Pearls Before Swine | Search

SON, YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE LEAVING YOU. I CANNOT TOLERATE YOU LIKE THIS.
Like whuh?
LOOK AT YOU. NO JOB. NO EDUCATION. YOUR HEAD IN A BEER MUG. YOU ARE, IN SHORT, WHAT SOCIETY MIGHT CALL A FAILURE.
I'm sorry. But goodbye.
Bye, Dad. Me sorry me no huh you wanted.
HE MAY BE A FAILURE, BUT HE'S MY FAILURE, GAT ** IT!!
Nicest ting anyone ever say 'bout me.
I KNOW. NOW GET YOUR A** OUT OF THE BEER MUG.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO GOOD OLD-FASHIONED NAMES LIKE BOB AND ED AND JANE? HOW COME EVERY KID NOWADAYS HAS TO HAVE SOME UNIQUE, CUTESY NAME LIKE JAEDEN AND BRAYLEE AND JADEN AND SHAWN-LEE?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE NAMES?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S TRYING TO OUT-UNIQUE EVERYONE ELSE! WHERE DOES IT END? SOMEONE'S GONNA GET CARRIED AWAY AND NAME THEIR KID DINKY-McGOOGLE?
DID YOU CALL OUR SON'S NAME?
UHH... I DON'T THINK SO...
C'MON, DINK, HE MUST BE TALKING TO ANOTHER DINKY-McGOOGLE.

LARRY, YOUR MOTHER AND I PULLED MANY STRINGS SO YOU COULD MATRICULATE AT STANFORD... AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DID WITH YOUR EDUCATION?
Me trick you late?
MATRICULATE, LAWRENCE. MATRICULATE. AND WE PROVIDED YOU WITH $52,000 A YEAR FOR TUITION. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THOSE FUNDS?
It pretty gud invesment.

LARRY'S PARENTS COME FOR A VISIT
I DON'T UNDERSTAND, LARRENCE... YOUR MOTHER AND I COME FOR A ONE-WEEK VISIT AND THIS IS HOW WE FIND YOU?? WITH YOUR BACKSIDE SHOVED INTO A BEER MUG? IS THIS HOW YOU SPEND EVERY NIGHT?
No.
Sometimes me shove face in chicken bucket.
PERHAPS WE'LL LEAVE BEFORE DINNER.
Stay.
We got chicken.

CARRY.
Whuh you want, naomom? barry busy proving he can shove entire butt into beer mug.
YOUR PARENTS ARE HERE.
Harder den it looks.

MY IDIOT CROC NEIGHBOR, LARRY, IS HAVING HIS PARENTS OVER NEXT WEEK.
THAT BEER-SWILLING BEAST HAS PARENTS?
YEAH...CAN YOU IMAGINE THE KIND OF NEANDERTHAL GATHERING THAT'S GONNA BE?
AND MAY I TAKE ALONG THE COMPLETE WORKS OF SIR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE?
IF, PERFORCE, YOU MUST, DEAR.

WHAT'S GOING ON, JEFF THE CYCLIST?
I'M TRAINING FOR A RACE. I NEED TO BE JUST THE RIGHT WEIGHT. ONE EXTRA POUND MEANS BEING 8% LESS EFFICIENT ON HILL CLIMBS.
BUT YOU'RE ALREADY SO FIT, AND YOUR BIKE IS AS LIGHT AS CAN BE... WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO TO DROP WEIGHT?
CHANGE THE SPELLING OF MY NAME FROM 'JEFF' TO 'JEF'.
ONE 'F' LIGHTER!
JEF THINKS OF EVERYTHING!

HEY THERE, PIG. I HEAR YOU GOT A NEW MATTRESS. MIND IF I HAVE A LOOK?
SURE. IT'S ONE OF THOSE MEMORY FOAM ONES.
OHHH, THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GREAT. DO YOU LIKE IT?
NO.
IT'S BAD.
BAD HOW?
AND REMEMBER THE TIME EVERYONE BUT YOU GOT A VALENTINE AND YOU CRIED ALL THE WAY HOME?
BAD MEMORIES.
OH. AND REMEMBER THE TIME YOU SPLIT YOUR PANTS PLAYING TETHERBALL?

HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THOSE ELECTRONIC SIGNS THE CITY PUTS BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD TELLING YOU THE SPEED YOU'RE DRIVING?
YEAH. THEY'RE TO MAKE YOU SLOW DOWN.
OH.
'OH' WHAT?
I KEEP TRYING TO SET A SPEED RECORD.
PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME.
SO THE NUMBERS ARE NOT SENT TO THE 'GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS'?

Hullooo zeeba neighba. Leesten. Croc start barber shop. Want haircut?
I don't think I'd feel comfortable with your barber.
Whuh wrong wid barber?
Guy juss lack people skills.

HEY, GOAT... I MADE A NEW FRIEND. HE'S A BOUNCER.
A BOUNCER, HUH? MUST BE PRETTY TOUGH.
NOT REALLY.

WHAT'S WITH THIS NEW TREND WITH GUYS KEEPING THEIR SUNGLASSES ON THE BACK OF THEIR HEAD?
YEAH. IT'S A LITTLE STRANGE, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
YOU LOOK STUPID.
THERE'S THAT.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
GETTING READY FOR A DATE WITH A GIRL HE KNEW YEARS AGO. BUT HE'S WORRIED 'CAUSE HE THINKS HE'S TOO FAT NOW.
POOR GUY. WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
I TOLD HIM IF HE WANTS TO LOOK THINNER, HE SHOULD WEAR SOMETHING WITH VERTICAL STRIPES.
I FEEL BETTER NOW.

HEY, GOAT, I WAS GONNA ASK YOU TO STAY FOR DINNER, BUT THAT HOMEMADE PASTA I GOT FROM PROFESSOR LINGUIST WENT STALE.
IS HE THAT PROFESSOR OF LANGUAGE DOWN AT THE COLLEGE?
YEAH. HE GAVE ME ALL THIS LINGUINE THAT I JUST LEFT SIT OPEN ON THE SHELF. I FEEL ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE ABOUT IT.
SO YOU HAVE LINGUIST LINGUIST'S LINGUINE LANGUISH ANGUISH?
I HATE THAT GUY.

Dude,
Have Guard Duck destroy Pakistan.
Rat should get arrested at Disneyland and punch Goofy in the face!!
No one where a girl takes off her bikini top. Says, "Glad to get that off my chest."
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do something with Star Wars where everyone blows up.
STAR WARS ROCKS !!!!!!!!
My wife Jessica's 39th birthday is on Friday. Have your strip that day say, "Happy B-Day, Jess!"
MORE CROCS!!!
Less crocs.
KILL ALL YOUR CHARACTERS P.S. Please give me credit if you use this idea.
HEY, STEPH, I HAD AN IDEA FOR A STRIP... DO YOU TAKE SUGGESTIONS?
NO.
SO THIS IS WHERE YOU GET YOUR IDEAS.

Hey, zeeba. You like cooking wid gas or charcoal?
WELL, THAT'S THE GREAT DEBATE, ISN'T IT? BUT I SUPPOSE I'D HAVE TO SAY CHARCOAL.
Gud. Geet on grill.
Guy never coopperate.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WE SEE MUCH OF LIFE THROUGH THE PRISM OF OURSELVES?
HOW SO?
WHEN PEOPLE AROUND US DO THINGS, WE ASSUME THEIR MOTIVATION FOR DOING SO MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH OURSELVES, WHEN IN TRUTH MOST DECISIONS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH US.
THAT'S INTERESTING BUT I NEED TO GET GOING
WHY? BECAUSE I'M BORING?
BECAUSE I'LL MISS MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT.
CALL ME 'BORING' AGAIN. I DARE YOU.

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S THAT?
MY NEW INVENTION, THE 'TROUBLE BOX.' IF YOU HAVE TROUBLES, YOU PUT 'EM IN HERE AND THEY'RE GONE FOREVER. GO AHEAD, PUT A COUPLE IN THERE.
I'M DUMB AND NEED AFFECTION.
HEE HEE HEE HEE
FIRST I LAUGH AT THEM.

I MISS MY MOTHER.
YOU'LL BE OKAY, PRIVATE. YOU'RE A SURVEILLANCE DRONE NOW.
HOW DOES THAT HELP?
BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA SHOW EVERYONE WHO EVER REJECTED YOU HOW GREAT YOU'VE BECOME. HOW IMPORTANT. HOW WORLDLY... HOW...
TOO.
SOMETIMES IT'S EASIER TO JUST DEMONSTRATE.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING 'TRIVIAL PURSUIT' AGAINST JIMMY THE JELLYFISH.
WHY ARE YOU PLAYING AGAINST JIMMY?
BECAUSE JELLYFISH HAVE NO BRAIN.
WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF TEXAS?
BLUE.
AWW, TOO BAD, JIMMY, YOU LOSE AGAIN.

PIG, I'VE MADE A CHOICE...
ABOUT US. I WOULD LIKE
TO BE... UH... IN A WORD...
WELL... I'LL JUST SAY IT...
CELIBATE!
YAY!
YAY!
YOU'RE
FINE
WITH
THAT?
FINE!
I LOVE
TO CELEBRATE.
LET'S
START
OVER.
WHY?
JOIN
IN!
TOOT
TOOT

HEY, PIG... WHAT'S ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
IT'S A POST-IDIOT. THEY'RE POST-ITS THAT ARE STUCK ON IDIOTS' FOREHEADS TO DESIGNATE THEIR LEVEL OF STUPIDITY. ONE'S THE MOST, UNFORTUNATELY.
OH GREAT. SO NOW EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS DINER CAN JUST AVOID PIG AND BE HAPPY.
LET ME GUESS WHOSE RIDICULOUS IDEA THAT WAS.
IT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA, MOUSEHEAD.
THEY'RE NOT THAT HAPPY...
WHY IS THAT BRILLIANT?
BECAUSE YOU WALK THROUGH LIFE NOT KNOWING WHO THE IDIOTS ARE! THAT GIVES THEM THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE! AND THAT'S HOW THEY RUIN YOUR DAY!
SADLY, I RAN OUT OF POST-ITS.

HEY, RAT, WANT TO MEET MY FRIEND, GREG?
WHERE IS HE?
AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS HOLE.
WHAT'S HE DOING DOWN THERE?
HE'S AN UNDERGROUND ARTIST.
MORE DIRT ON THE CANVAS.

WOULD YOU SAY MY ABILITY TO ANNOY OTHERS IS BEYOND THAT OF ANYONE ELSE ?
ABSOLUTELY.
TOLD YOU I HAVE A SUPERPOWER.
I'M LEAVING.
SEE? MY VERY PRESENCE HAS HURLED HIM FROM THE ROOM.
IT IS A SUPERPOWER!

WELL, SIR, I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE PRIVATE DINKY IN MY ARMY. HE'LL BE A SURVEILLANCE DRONE HOVERING HIGH OVERHEAD.
DOES HE KNOW HOW TO FLY?
PTOO
SORT OF.