Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, STEPH, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY, GEORGE WASHINGTON.
GEORGE WASHINGTON? OH, GOODNESS. WHAT A TREMENDOUS HONOR.
YOU'RE THE LEAST TALENTED CARTOONIST I'VE EVER SEEN.
HE CANNOT TELL A LIE.
I SEE.
AND YOUR PUNS MAKE ME ILL.

HEY THERE, PIG. CHECK IT OUT... THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF COMICS, I'VE BEEN HANGING OUT WITH GEORGE! I CANNOT TELL A LIE. WASHINGTON... WE'VE BEEN HITTING THE BARS.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NICE TO MEET YOU, GEORGE.
YOU HAVE A VERY LARGE REAR.
NOT THAT WE...
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
DO NOT THROW MARTINIS ON THE FATHER OF OUR COUNTRY!

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, PATTY... SHE DOESN'T LIKE TO COMMUNICATE VERY MUCH.
WHY IS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT SHE LIKES SILLY PUTTY. SO I TOLD HER TO FORM IT INTO WORDS IF SHE'D LIKE.
OH, GOOD IDEA.
YEAH, BUT THEN SHE WANTED PRIVACY, SO SHE TOOK IT INTO THE BATHROOM AND THEN CAME BACK WITH VERY FEW WORDS.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
I KNOW. WOULD YOU MIND TRYING TO TALK TO HER?
SURE.
PATTY, YOU'RE SO PITHY WITH THE PUTTY IN THE POTTY, PATTY.
DID I MENTION SHE LIKES PUTT-PUTT GOLF?
STOP!
PLEASE, RAT, DON'T BE PATTY TO PITHY PATTY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I’M A PROFESSIONAL BREAKER-UPPER. FOR A SMALL FEE, I HELP PEOPLE CUT TIES WITH THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN A WAY THAT IS BOTH KIND AND SENSITIVE … HERE, HAVE A LOOK.
BYE-BYE, CHUMPY CHUMP.
WHAT A KIND AND SENSITIVE TEXT.
FOR EXTRA, I’LL THROW IN PROFANITY.

DID YOU HEAR THE AMAZING NEWS? MY NEIGHBORS, THE SMITHS, ARE EXPECTING.
EXPECTING WHAT?
A KID.
TO DO WHAT?
NEVER MIND.
DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING, MAN!!

OUR NEW BIKER GANG NEIGHBOR IS SO NICE.
THE GUY WITH THE LOUD MOTORCYCLE?
YEAH, I TOLD HIM YOU WERE MAD ABOUT ALL THE NOISE AND HE OFFERED TO COME OVER AND HELP WITH SOME HOUSEHOLD CHORES.
WHAT'D HE OFFER TO DO?
CLEAN OUR CLOCKS.
THERE HE IS NOW. I'LL GET HIM SOME WINDEX.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

YOU KNOW, RAT, MOST AMUSEMENT PARKS HAVE SOME SORT OF LIVE ENTERTAINMENT.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY WE'VE HIRED SOME ACROBATIC CLOWNS WHO CAN JUMP OFF A HIGH LEDGE.
OH, COOL. KINDA LIKE THOSE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL ONES WHO LAND ON THOSE HIDDEN TRAMPOLINES AND BOUNCE BACK UP?
BOUNCE BACK UP?
THIS IS DEGRADING.

YOU KNOW, RAT, THIS "BEERLAND" IS FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT BIZARRE RIDES AND INAPPROPRIATE ATTRACTIONS. WHAT IF SOMEONE ATTEMPTS TO BRING THEIR FAMILY HERE?
WE DO HAVE A SWIMMING POOL.
OH. GOOD.
FILLED WITH BEER YOU CAN DRINK.
THAT CAN'T BE TO CODE.
YO... WHICH ENDS THE LIGHT BEER?
HEY, PAL. SWIM TRUNKS REQUIRED.

IT'S A WORLD OF HOPES
IT'S A WORLD OF FEARS
BUT TO HELL WITH YOU ALL
'CAUSE I GOT MY BEER
I THINK I PREFER DISNEY'S VERSION.
HEY LOOK... THE GERMAN KID'S BEATING UP THE FRENCH BOY FOR HIS WEISSBIER.

YOUR FOOD, SIR.
EEESH, WHAT IS THAT?
FISH. IT'S WHAT YOU ORDERED.
BUT WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S A FISH. WOULD YOU LIKE IT TO LOOK LIKE A COW?
NO, BUT IT WOULD BE NICE IF IT LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING THAT WASN'T ALIVE.
SIR, WE'RE A THREE-STAR MICHELIN-RATED RESTAURANT. THAT'S HOW FISH IS SERVED.
NO, NO, PLEASE... JUST MAKE IT LOOK LIKE FOOD. YOU KNOW... NOT SOME THING THAT COMES FROM NEMO-LAND AND MAGICALLY APPEARS ON MY PLATE.
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT. CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GIMME A SECOND.
THANKS.
WWWHHHYYYYOOOOO KIIIIILLLLL MEEEEEEE?
WHHHYY YOOOUUU?
AAAHHHHHHH!
THAT PROBABLY WASN'T CONSISTENT WITH FOOD-HANDLING STANDARDS.
GIMME THAT. I THINK I WANT TO CHASE HIM HOME.

WHERE WERE YOU, PIG?
THE APPLE STORE. GOT SOME GREAT STUFF.
NO KIDDING...WHAT'D YOU GET? THE NEW iPHONE? MACBOOK PRO? iPAD MINI?
I'M FROM A SIMPLER AGE.

YOUR NEW "BEERLAND" AMUSEMENT PARK HAS ABSOLUTELY NO REDEEMING SOCIAL VALUE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT - WE'VE GOT "GREAT MOMENTS WITH MISTER UNICORN."
YO, SWEETIE... IS THAT YOUR REAR END OR ARE YOU SMUGGLING GUNS TO THE REBELS?
HE IS SO BAD AT PICKING UP WOMEN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE BUILT AN ENTIRE AMUSEMENT PARK DEDICATED TO BEER. YOU KNOW, KIDS COME TO THESE PARKS. WHAT HERE COULD POSSIBLY APPEAL TO THEM?
SLEEPING DRUNK GUY'S CASTLE?
WONDERFUL.
SHHHHH... HE GETS VIOLENT WHEN YOU WAKE HIM.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
BUILDING AN AMUSEMENT PARK.
AN AMUSEMENT PARK?? WHAT KIND?
ONE THAT HE SAYS PEOPLE OF ALL AGES CAN ENJOY.
WELCOME.

I GOT A JOB MAKING TRAFFIC SIGNS.
OH, YEAH? WHY'D YOU WANT TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE THE SIGNS WE HAVE NOW ARE TOO STRICT. AND I DON'T LIKE THAT.
SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
DO WHAT YOU FEEL
LET'S SEE COPS ENFORCE THAT ONE.

I DON'T LIKE THE FAMILY IN THE COMIC STRIP "HI AND LOIS". I WANT TO BEAT ONE OF THEM UP.
WHO DO YOU WANT TO BEAT UP?
I WANT TO GET THE DAD.
YOU WANT TO GET HI?
HEY! WHAT THE???
I AM SO DARN CLEVER.

I'M STEPHAN. MY WIFE STACI THREW ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WON'T I NEED SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A HOME. SOMEONE WHO APPRECIATES THE BENEFITS OF LIVING WITH A SYNDICATED CARTOONIST.
LIKE THE FACT THAT WE SIT ALONE IN OUR ROOMS ALL DAY.
AND ARE OUT-OF-SHAPE AND DRESS FUNNY.
AND PLAY VIDEOS GAMES AND SMELL.
AND ONLY INTERACT WHEN WE WANT TO TEST OUT A NEW JOKE.
AND IF ALL THAT DOESN'T INTRIGUE YOU, I PROMISE TO BE MOODY, FORGET YOUR BIRTHDAY, AND COMPLAIN ABOUT ANY SOCIAL EVENT YOU DRAG ME TO.
SO PLEASE. ADOPT ME.
I AM NOT UP FOR ADOPTION.
OH, AND I GET CRANKY WHEN YOU LOCK ME OUT OF MY STUDIO.
YOU DON'T SMELL THAT BAD.

I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD EXPRESS MY POLITICAL OPINION MORE OFTEN, BUT I JUST CAN’T.
MAN UP!
GEE, PIG… THAT’S A LITTLE RUDE… I’M JUST SAYING I’M HESITANT TO—
SMACK
I CAN’T WARN YOU ABOUT FALLING PEOPLE IF YOU WON’T LISTEN.

HEY, PIG, HAVE YOU SEEN RAT?
HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN YOUR DRAWING STUDIO. I THINK HE'S UPSET ABOUT YOU OFFERING HIM UP FOR ADOPTION IN YOUR "SHELTER STORIES" STRIPS.
AND YOU LET HIM HAVE ACCESS TO MY STUDIO?!
YEAH. WHAT COULD HE DO?
SHELTER STORIES
"STEPHAN"
HI. I TELL STUPID PUNS AND PICK MY NOSE.

SHELTER STORIES
I AM A RAT WHO LOVES PEOPLE AND JUST WANTS A PAL.
I AM WARM AND CUDDLY, TOO!
OH, WHAT UTTER GARBAGE.
HEY, YOU TRY MAKING THE GUY SOUND APPEALING.
HEY, PAL, HAVE A LITTLE "CUDDLY."

I THINK IT'S SO GREAT HOW PATRICK MCDONNELL, CREATOR OF THE COMIC STRIP 'MUTTS', HAS "SHELTER STORIES" WEEK.
WHAT'S THAT?
HE HIGHLIGHTS STORIES OF CATS AND DOGS IN SHELTERS IN HOPES OF GIVING THEM A NEW HOME.
HOW KIND... I SHOULD CALL PATRICK AND COMMEND HIM FOR--
CAN YOU HELP ME GIVE AWAY A RODENT?
I HEARD THAT!
WELL, NO, HE'S NOT A CUTE LITTLE PUPPY.
TELL HIM WE'LL THROW IN CASH!

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST BRITISH COPS DON'T CARRY GUNS?
THEN HOW DO THEY STOP SOMEONE WHO'S GOT A GUN AND IS THREATENING TO KILL PEOPLE?
PINCHING AND TICKLING.
NO.
TICKLING IS MEAN.
AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, THEY THREATEN TO CALL THEIR MUM.

HEY, GUYS! GUESS WHAT I JUST LEARNED! MASS SUICIDE BY LEMMINGS IS A MYTH! SOMETHING PERPETUATED BY A 1958 DISNEY DOCUMENTARY! SO WE DON'T HAVE TO JUMP! DID YOU HEAR THAT, BOYS? WE DON'T HAVE TO JUMP!
HE HAD HIS iPOD ON.

MY BUILDING SUPERINTENDENT IS VISITING ME TODAY. HE'S THAT GUY ECCENTRIC GUY FROM CALIFORNIA WHO WALKS AROUND WITH A FEMALE DEER.
IS HE THE GUY YOU CALL “GAILS”?
YEAH. AND IT’S ALWAYS SCARY WHEN THE SUPER WANTS TO VISIT. I FEAR HE’LL RAISE MY RENT.
HELLO, GOAT.
OH, HELLO, GAIC.
BAD NEWS, GOAT. YOUR APARTMENT IS JUST TOO EXPENSIVE TO REPAIR. THE FRAME THING IS FALLING APART, SO I’M GONNA HAVE TO PUT IT FOR SALE, AND YOU’LL NEED TO MOVE OUT. IF YOU OBJECT, YOU CAN EXPECT A VISIT FROM YOUR LAWYER, ANULE.
SUPER CALL... FRAGILE... IST... I
EXPECT ANULE
DOE, SHUSH!
MARY POPPINS ASKED ME TO KICK YOUR @#$%.

HEY, GOAT... I THINK YOU'RE HOMELY, AWKWARD, LAME, BORING, UNLOVEABLE, STRANGE, SAD, SOCIALLY INEPT, AND DESTINED FOR A LIFE OF UTTER LONELINESS.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME ALL THIS?
JUST BEING HONEST.
THAT'S THE "GET OUT OF JAIL FREE" CARD FOR INSULTS.