Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU ENJOYING THE COAST, PIGITA?
NOT REALLY.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED IT HERE.
I DO. AND I LIKE STARING OUT AT THE BOATS. I THINK IT'S JUST THE SAND IN MY TOES I DON'T LIKE.
OH.
I'M SORRY. I'M JUST NOT A BEACHY KIND OF GIRL.
WOULD YOU RATHER WALK AROUND THE PORT?
OH, I LOVE PORTS.
SO YOU'RE MORE OF A PORTLY KIND OF GIRL.
MAYBE WE SHOULD AVOID THE COAST ENTIRELY.

HEY, GOAT,
WANT TO SEE
AN ANIMATED
MOVIE WITH
ME AND RAT?
I GUESS. BUT WHY'S
RAT CARRYING A
BOOK OF RUSSIAN
PLAYS?
BECAUSE ALL ANIMATED MOVIES HAVE
SICKENINGLY SWEET ENDINGS. AND ALL
RUSSIAN PLAYS END WITH SOMEONE
SHOOTING THEMSELVES. SO WHEN THE FILM
NEARS ITS SACCHARINE END, I JUST
STAND AND READ THE LAST PAGE OF THE
PLAY ALOUD, THEREBY KEEPING THE
WHOLE UNIVERSE IN BALANCE.
OH.
THAT
MUST
BE
HEART-
WARMING.
IT IS? THEN
LISTEN TO THIS...
AND IVAN
SHOT HIMSELF.
THE END.
AWW...
POOR
LIL'
IVAN.

HI, MOM... IT'S ME, PIG... I'M TIRED OF YOU CONTROLLING MY LIFE, SO I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND DECLARE MY INDEPENDENCE FROM YOU IN A VOICE THE WHOLE WORLD CAN HEAR.
SHE SAID TO PUT ON A JACKET.

HEY, MOM, WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?
TO EXPRESS MYSELF BETTER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, SWEETIE, PRETEND FOR A MOMENT THAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL LIFE, BUT I HAVE MY OLD HAIR.
OKAY.
OKAY...THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL LIFE IS
SPEECH BALLOON INTERFERENCE.
THE CURSE OF THE BIG-HAIRED WOMAN.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF. TODAY IS MY FAMILY'S ANNUAL POTATO SACK RACE. IT'S SORT OF A TRADITION.
WHAT'S "TRADITION?"
TRADITION IS THE REASON FOR DOING SOMETHING YOU CAN NO LONGER THINK OF A REASON FOR DOING.
I HATE IT WHEN I AGREE WITH YOU.
SO THAT'S WHY WE STILL SEE OUR ANNOYING FAMILY.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S IT TAKE
TO BE A SYNDICATED CARTOONIST?
IS IT BEING A GOOD WRITER?
KNOWING A LOT OF JOKES?
HAVING THE RIGHT PEN?
WELL, PIG, YOU
HAVE TO --
-- BE A LONELY NERD IN HIGH SCHOOL
WHO SPENT ALL HIS TIME DRAWING
BECAUSE HE HAD NO FRIENDS AND
COULDN'T ATTRACT GIRLS.
WE DO HAVE FEELINGS, YOU KNOW.
FEELINGS, SURE.
IT'S DATES YOU
COULDN'T GET.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST... DO YOU PRAY? SOME PEOPLE THINK IT HELPS TO KEEP A GUY HUMBLE..
I DO, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
THAT'S GREAT. WHO DO YOU PRAY TO?
MYSELF, FOR I AM A GOD ON THIS EARTH.
CYCLISTS ARE A UNIQUE BUNCH.
LEMME GUESS... FATTY MC FAT FAT WANTS TO PRAY TO ME.

WHERE ARE YOU, RAT? YOU PROMISED TO HELP PIG AND ME CLEAN OUT MY GARAGE.
I'M LYING ON MY GRAVE WITH A BEER ON MY BELLY.
WHY?
NASA. NASA?
NASA ISSUED A REPORT SAYING THERE ARE CURRENTLY 47,000 ASTEROIDS THAT ARE BIG ENOUGH AND CLOSE ENOUGH TO POSE A THREAT TO EARTH.
SO EVERYTHING'S POINTLESS. GOODBYE.
SO YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE THE ENTIRE JOB TO ME AND PIG?
DUH.
HE'S CLEARLY LOST ALL PERSPECTIVE.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT HALF OF THIS COUNTRY PRONOUNCES THE WORD "AUNT" ANT, WHILE THE OTHER HALF PRONOUNCES IT AWNT ?
CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG???
HE'S VERY SENSITIVE TO DIVISION.
PIG, THEY'RE NOT SHOOTING EACH OTHER.
JOIN MY CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR PEACE, WON'T YOU?

HEY, GOAT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?
BREAK DOWN SOME GRAIN IN HOT WATER AND LET A BUNCH OF FUNGI EAT IT AND THEN GIVE ME THEIR WASTE PRODUCTS.
IT'S CALLED BEER, @#$% IT!!
I LIKE TO BE PRECISE.

HEY, RAT. WHATCHA GETTING FOR BREAKFAST?
I'M THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A BUNCH OF BACTERIA THAT'S BEEN THROWN INTO MILK AND ALLOWED TO FERMENT.
IT'S CALLED YOGURT.
I LIKE TO BE PRECISE.

HEY, SIR, WHEN I WAS WITH MOM, SHE FED ME THREE TIMES A DAY, PLANNED OUT ALL MY MEALS, MADE SURE I GOT ALL THE DIFFERENT FOOD GROUPS... HOW ARE WE GONNA HANDLE THAT?
HERE'S A TWINKIE. MAKE IT LAST.
THIS IS WAY MORE FUN.
NEED A COLD ONE TO WASH IT DOWN?

DAD! DAD! YOU BROUGHT BACK FREDDY THE FROG! NO LONGER PRINCE VALIANT?
Oh, dat?… Yeah… Me trying be more open-mind bout amphibians.
THAT'S GREAT, DAD…WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND?
Oh, dis? Dis you need read on—
Dear Sirs,
"Prince Valiant" is a
registered trademark of
King Features Syndicate.
Please cease and desist
from all use thereof.
OPEN-MINDED?
Lawyer-minded. Doze guys ruin everything.

HEY, RAT, YOU GONNA HELP ME CLEAN OUT MY GARAGE NEXT WEEK?
WHY SHOULD I?
WELL, FIRST OFF --
CRACK
"FIRST OFF" IS NEVER FOLLOWED BY ANYTHING GOOD.

Danny Donkey went to the park.
A woman approached him.
HELP SAVE OUR TRAIN, SIR. IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN.
Danny Donkey looked up and saw a miniature steam train in disrepair.
I will save your train, said Danny Donkey.
And Danny Donkey spent all his money and fixed the train.
And on the day of the re-opening, everyone cheered the shiny new train.
And watched as it departed the new station and rolled down its track.
Which now led out of the park.
And straight to the liquor store.
I HAVE BUILT THE WORLD'S MOST CONVENIENT BEER RUN, shouted Danny.
BUT IS YOUR COMMEMORATION OF NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROVEMENT DAY?
CHILD SHALL EVER BEES TUFAT VISHA!

Hey, Rat...Didja see the funny YouTube video me and Goat emailed you?
I did.
TOO LOL.
TOO LOL?
The
Opposite
Of
Laugh
Out
Loud
THAT HURTS.

DAD'S ON THE ROOF DRESSED AS MARY POPPINS. I THINK HE WANTS TO FLY INTO ZEBRA'S YARD.
PLEASE, SON... EVEN YOUR IDIOT DAD KNOWS MARY POPPINS COULDN'T REALLY FLY.
Supercalif-AAAAHHHHHHHH
CLOSE THE DRAPES, SON.
Chim chiminity

DID DAD GET THE ROLE HE TRIED OUT FOR IN THE COMMUNITY PLAY?
OF COURSE NOT. IT WAS 'MARY POPPINS.'
SO THAT'S WHERE HE GOT THE IDEA.
WHAT IDEA?
Me gonna fly over hedge, zeeba neighba!
GO FOR IT.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. CHECK OUT THIS BOOK. IT'S ABOUT COMPANY TOWNS AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY. THESE POOR WORKERS LIVED EVERY FREE MOMENT OF THEIR LIVES IN THE SHADOW OF THEIR EVER-PRESENT EMPLOYER.
HOW AWFUL. WHY DID THEY PUT UP WITH---
Hey, Bob, I know it's your day off, but Jeff needs that report ASAP.
I GOTTA GO.

LARRY TRIES OUT FOR COMMUNITY THEATER
NEW. HELLO, SIR...ARE YOU HERE TO
VOLUNTEER FOR OUR COMMUNITY
PLAY?
Yeah. Me want role whete me, like,
domenteare...You know, like, keel lot
people, eet guy's hed.
I TAKE IT YOU'VE
NEVER SEEN
"MARY POPPINS."
No.
How high
body
count?

Okay, zeeba neighba... Me and Frank decide go downtown, act een community play. Frank tink it help us take mind off pressure of being predator.
OH, YEAH? WELL, KNOCK 'EM DEAD.
CRACK
How dat help play?

HEY THERE, GOAT... COME WATCH TV WITH US.
NO THANKS. I HAVE A BOOK TO READ.
WHAT BOOK?
IT'S ON NATURAL SELECTION. IT EXPLAINS HOW A CHANGE THAT BETTER EQUIPS AN ANIMAL TO LIVE GETS PASSED ON TO ITS DESCENDANTS, THEREBY ALTERING THE SPECIES FOREVER.
I'M SORRY... DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT MY KIDS WILL HAVE PILLOWS FOR BUTTS.
NO.
AND A REMOTE CONTROL FOR A HAND?
AND CHEESE POOFS FOR FEET?

HEY, GOAT. I WAS READING YOUR BLOG AT HOME TODAY, BUT I GOT DISTRACTED.
YEAH, THAT CAN HAPPEN WITH EVEN THE MOST COMPELLING WRITING... WHAT DISTRACTED YOU? A PHONE CALL? A PERSON AT THE DOOR? TV SHOW?
A BEIGE WALL.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SPICE UP YOUR BLOG.

ALRIGHT, PRIVATE... IF YOU'RE GONNA BE IN MY ARMY, YOU HAVE TO LOOK THE PART... HALF OF WARFARE IS INTIMIDATION.
OH, I KNOW. SO I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT MYSELF SOMETHING.
PERMISSION TO TOSS HIM IN THE BRIG, SIR?
DENIED.

ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT OR A REPUBLICAN?
NEITHER. I REALLY PREFER SOME OF THE FRINGE PARTIES. I JUST WISH MORE PEOPLE WANTED TO JOIN ME.
I WOULD LOVE TO COME TO YOUR FRINGE PARTY!!
PLEASE SIT DOWN, PIG.
YOU KNOW, HIS VOTE COUNTS THE SAME AS YOURS.
WILL THERE BE MUSIC AT YOUR FRINGE PARTY?