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WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PROTESTING THIS DEPARTMENT STORE. THEY HAVE A WHOLE SECTION DEVOTED TO MEN USING PROFANITY.
IT'S "MENSWEAR." NOT "MEN SWEAR."
OH.
HEY... THIS SOUNDS LIKE A FUN B%@#@* SECTION.

HEY, GOMER GOLDFISH, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING TO NEW YORK CITY SO I CAN HANG OUT IN THE EAST VILLAGE AND KNOCK BACK A FEW BLOODY MARYS WITH SOME FAMOUS ARTISTS AND WRITERS.
OR MAYBE I'LL JUST SWIM AROUND IN A LITTLE GLASS BOWL.
GOLDFISH CAN BE SO SARCASTIC.

HEY NEIGHBOR BOB...HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. ME AND MY WIFE ARE GOING ON A COUPLES DATE WITH ANOTHER COUPLE.
WHAT'S A COUPLES DATE?
A COUPLES DATE IS WHEN FOUR PEOPLE GET TOGETHER AND NONE OF THEM WANT TO.
HOW FUN.
KNOCK ME UNCONSCIOUS SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO BE LATE.
AGAIN?

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT... THE SAD LITTLE END OF OUR LEMMING LIVES... SO IF THERE WAS EVER ANYTHING DANGEROUS YOU WANTED TO DO IN LIFE BUT WERE AFRAID TO TRY, NOW IS THE TIME.
PUFF
PUFF
PUFF
PUFF
TAKE THAT, SURGEON GENERAL.

OFFICER! HELP! HELP! THERE'S BEEN A MURDER OF CROWS!
HA HA. VERY AMUSING. A GROUP OF CROWS IS CALLED A "MURDER". NOW RUN ALONG AND PRANK SOMEONE ELSE.
SOME CRIMES ARE SO HARD TO REPORT.

DING!
Yer cute.
U single?
Single?
Yeah
Why?
Live not far from u.
Coffee sometime?
Love to.
When?
Wow. Uh. How bout u STEP OUTSIDE HOWSE RITE NOW#&*#* HW@#`# $*&#@!!!
You really break character, Bob.
Mebbe me try poke heem.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
GOING TO SEE THIS GUY PERFORM. TODAY WILL BE HIS SWAN SONG.
AWWW, THAT'S TOO BAD. IS HE RETIRING?
I like swans. They are great. I like swan.
NEVER MIND
WHY WOULD HE RETIRE?
WANT TO HEAR MY COW SONG?

HEY, GOAT. WHATCHA READING?
THIS ARTICLE ON THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT MESSING AROUND WITH ALL OF THESE SURREPTITIOUS PROGRAMS... OH, I'M SORRY, PIG... DO YOU KNOW WHAT "SURREPTITIOUS" MEANS?
IT'S SYRUP THAT'S DELICIOUS.
MAYBE I'LL JUST KEEP READING.
ARE THEY MESSING WITH MY SYRUP?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I HAVE THIS SHOCKINGLY UNBELIEVABLE PROBLEM... YOU SEE, I HAVE THIS GIRLFRIEND WHO--
*FAINT*
THE SHOCKING PART IS NOT THAT I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
SLOW DOWN, COWBOY...
ONE STUNNER AT A TIME.

HEY, ZEBRA, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SHLOMO. HE'S SECOND VIOLINIST IN OUR SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
THAT'S WONDERFUL. NOW AS SECOND VIOLINIST, WHAT IS YOUR MAIN FOCUS?
KILLING THE FIRST VIOLINIST.
I HEARD THAT, SHLOMO.
WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT, IVAN?
CHECK, PLEASE.

HEY, ZEBRA. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET IVAN. HE'S FIRST VIOLINIST IN OUR CITY'S SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
WOW. WHAT AN HONOR TO MEET—
HEY! I'M IN THE ORCHESTRA! I'M IN THE--
SECOND VIOLINISTS CAN BE SO ANNOYING.

I'M DATING A NEW WOMAN. SHE LIKES TO WEAR FISHNETS.
OH, GOSH... I THINK THAT'S SO SEXY, DON'T YOU?
NOT REALLY.
LEAVE IT TO YOU TO RUIN SOMETHING WONDERFUL.

WHERE YOU OFF TO, PIG?
ME AND ZEBRA ARE GOING TO SEE A HERD OF CATTLE THAT USED TO BELONG TO THE CHARACTER 'HOSS' ON 'BONANZA.'
WHAT FOR?
THEY'RE SUPER SMART. EVERY MEMBER OF THE HERD IS A REAL WHIZ AT DOING TRICKS, COMMUNICATING, ALL SORTS OF STUFF.
AND THEY PERFORM FOR ANYONE?
NO. YOU HAVE TO BRING ONE DEER THAT THE WHOLE HERD CAN EAT FIRST.
THAT'S ODD. I DIDN'T THINK CATTLE NORMALLY ATE MEAT.
ME EITHER. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GO.
WHERE YOU GOING?
OFF TO SEE THE WHIZ HERD. THE ONE-DEER- FULL WHIZ HERD OF HOSS.
DING DONG THE CARTOONIST IS DEAD.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT. I'M LEARNING HOW TO PLAY SIMON AND GARFUNKEL SONGS ON MY GUITAR.
HEY, I LOVE SIMON AND GARFUNKEL. PLAY ME ONE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
SOUNDS OF SILENCE.
CHECK, PLEASE.
ENCORE! ENCORE!

HEY, PIG, DID YOU GET A NEW SHIRT?
YEAH, BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. I JUST BOUGHT IT 'CAUSE I TRIED IT ON.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BUY A SHIRT JUST BECAUSE YOU TRY IT ON.
IF YOU TAKE THE LITTLE PINS OUT, YOU HAVE TO BUY THE SHIRT!!!
I SEE YOU FEEL STRONGLY.
HAVE YOU NO MERCY FOR THE RE-PINNING SHIRT PEOPLE??

HEY, GOAT... WHATCHA READING?
THIS BIOGRAPHY OF ABE LINCOLN.
DOES IT EXPLAIN VERY MUCH ABOUT HIS ASSASSINATION OR -- OOPS.
WHAT?
SPOILER ALERT.

HEY THERE, RAT… WANT TO HELP ME BUILD THIS NEW DECK? I'M USING PRESSURE-TREATED WOOD.
WHAT'S PRESSURE-TREATED WOOD?
YOU'LL NEVER GET A JOB.
YOU CAN'T PAY YOUR BILLS.
YOUR WIFE'S HAD IT WITH YOU.
PARDON ME WHILE I SAVE THE COMICS PAGE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?!
I'VE BECOME A PRO WRESTLER!
MY PERSONA IS THAT OF THE WRITER JAMES JOYCE.
I'LL ENGAGE THE CROWD THROUGH MY SHEER NUMBER OF RICH LITERARY ALLUSIONS!
ADMITTEDLY, THIS MAY GO OVER SOME PEOPLE'S HEADS.

MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BROKE UP WITH ME. NOW I'M GONNA BE LONELY FOREVER.
OHH, PIG... THERE ARE PLENTY OF FISH IN THE SEA.
IT'S NOT THE SAME.

Bob! Bob! Look whuh me find.
Whuh ees it, Burt?
It say 'defibrilator'.
Ooh. Sound like 'alligator'. Must be for reptiles.
How duh it work? It have instruckshuns, but too hard to read.
Maybe has audio instruckshuns.
You right. Dis button problee 'PLAY'...Now where sound come from?
Hedphones.
Yeah. But how it save lives? Hard to hear.
Aren't those devices supposed to save lives?
Whuh instruckshuns say, Bob?

WHERE YOU OFF TO?
I'VE DECIDED TO TRY MY HAND AT ABALONE DIVING.
YOU'LL NEED A WETSUIT.
HOW'S THIS HELP?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MY FRIEND COUNT DECREASED ON FACEBOOK AND I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO IT WAS THAT UNFRIENDED ME.
WHAT FOR?
SO I CAN FIND HIM.
PERHAPS YOU'RE TAKING FACEBOOK TOO SERIOUSLY.
NO ONE DECREASES MY FRIEND COUNT!

WHATCHA READIN', GOAT?
A BOOK ON THE COLLAPSE OF THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE.
FIGURES.
WHAT FIGURES?
THAT AN EMPIRE BUILT OF TINY LITTLE SOFAS WOULD COLLAPSE.
I THINK I'LL GO BACK TO READING NOW.
WERE THEY DEFEATED BY THE BARCALOUNGER DYNASTY?

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
ANTHONY BOURDAIN. THE GUY TRAVELS TO ALL THESE PLACES WHERE HE JUST DRINKS, SMOKES, SWEARS, AND HATES IDIOTS.
IS THAT ANNOYING?
ANNOYING?
HE'S LIVING THE DREAM!!
YOU HAVE ODD ROLE MODELS.
THE MAN'S A @#*%@# SUPERHERO!

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
THIS ACCOUNT OF A WOMAN ACCUSED OF BEING A WITCH IN THE 1600S. SHE WAS STONED.
KIDS READ THIS SECTION.
IT WAS A PUNISHMENT.
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ONE.