Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST...WHY DO YOU NEED TO WEAR SUCH TIGHT CLOTHES?
SO THAT YOU COMMONERS CAN SEE MY EVERY MUSCLE AND BULGE. ALL OF WHICH IS THE PRODUCT OF HARD WORK AND GOOD NUTRITION. WHY JUST LOOK AT MY PACKAGE...
...OF HEALTHY SNACKS I CARRY WITH ME WHEREVER I GO.
CLOSE CALL, JEF THE CYCLIST.
I'M FIT AND CLEVER.
COULD YOU BAN JEF FOR LIFE?

YOUR FATHER GOT A JOB AS A NIGHT WATCHMAN AT A RARE BIRD SHOP.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT WELL. HIS BOSS IS ALREADY ACCUSING HIM OF STEALING.
STEALING? WHAT'S DAD SAY?
DOZE IS BIG WORDS, BOB.

WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?
MY NEW RESTAURANT. I GIVE YOU A TACO AND WISH BAD LUCK ON YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS TO COME.
WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT IS THAT?
HEX MEX.

HI, NEIGHBOR NANCY. I HEARD YOU HAD SOME HEALTH ISSUES. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I’M FINE NOW... BUT I HAD A MASTECTOMY. THAT’S WHEN THEY REMOVE —
OH, I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
GOOD.
BUT I DIDN’T KNOW YOU OWNED A SAILBOAT.
I DID NOT HAVE A MAST REMOVED.
OH, GREAT. WANT TO GO SAILING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M ABOUT TO CRUSH THIS ANT.
WHY?
HE'S SMALL. HE'S NOT LIKE ME. AND HE'S DEVOID OF ANY INTELLECTUAL, ARTISTIC OR CULTURAL VALUE.
TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS THE QUESTION... WHETHER 'TIS NOBLER TO -
SQUISH
SHAKESPEARE BORES ME.

I MET A GIRL LAST NIGHT.
REALLY? WHO?
SHE'S A ROADIE FOR SOME ROCK BAND.
D'YOU DO ANYTHING?
WE MADE OUT.
YOU MADE OUT... YOU MUST KISS ANYONE.
SHE DOES, ACTUALLY. I FOUND OUT ABOUT HER PAST LATER.
WELL, GIVE ME HER NUMBER.
GROSS. NO WAY. I DON'T WANT YOU TO KISS SOME GIRL I'VE KISSED.
DUDE. PLEASE. IT'S THE LAW.
WHAT LAW?
'S HARE THE ROADIE.'
IT'S 'SHARE THE ROAD.'
OH, GREAT. NOW YOU WANT A SHOT AT HER?
NO ONE'S SAYING A SHOT AT ANYONE.
PSSST... DOES SHE GIVE OUT HUGS?

HOW COME YOU AND PIG DON'T HAVE THE LATEST SMART PHONES?
BECAUSE IT'S STUPID. WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS NEED THE LATEST GADGET? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE PREVIOUS GENERATION OF TECHNOLOGY?
BECAUSE IT'S OLDER
AND SLOWER
AND LESS EFFICIENT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IDIOT?

MY STUPID CABLE BILL WENT UP AGAIN.
MINE TOO. THE CABLE COMPANY SAID IT WAS DRIVEN UP BY ALL THE IDIOTS OUT THERE WHO STEAL THEIR CABLE SIGNAL. DOESN'T IT MAKE YOU WANT TO DO SOMETHING?
STEAL CABLE.
I MEANT SOMETHING THAT ISN'T A FELONY.
HEY. DON'T KNOCK FELONIES.

CHECK IT OUT, GOMER GOLDFISH... I JUST GOT SOME FORTUNE COOKIES AT A CHINESE RESTAURANT. MINE SAYS, "YOU WILL HAVE FAME AND FORTUNE."
HOPE IT COMES TRUE. OPEN ONE FOR ME.
"YOU WILL SWIM IN CIRCLES FOREVER."
THESE THINGS ARE RARELY ACCURATE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I HAVE A CAN OF ROACH SPRAY AND AN AIR FRESHENER.
SO?
SO WHICH WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SPRAYED WITH FIRST?
NOW THERE'S AN EASILY OFFENDED GENTLEMAN.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE HAS TO TAKE THE SUBWAY DOWNTOWN, SO HE'S GETTING READY.
READY FOR WHAT?
BRING ON THE MASSES.

OUR STUPID CAR BROKE DOWN. HOW AM I GONNA GET AROUND TODAY?
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE SUBWAY?
I CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T MIX WELL WITH COMMONERS.

The Center for Inspirational Ideas held its first annual Inspirational Ideas Symposium.
I would like to improve living conditions in Africa through sustainable green energy.
YAAAAAAAAY
I would like to teach people to meditate in a way that raises our collective consciousness.
YAAAAAAAAY
I would like to teach disadvantaged children to express themselves through art.
YAAAAAAAAY
And I would like to sit around in my underwear and drink beer.
AND THE CENTER BANNED THE DRANK DONKEY FOR LIFE.
Poor Danny. He's so ahead of his time.
I'D LOOK GOOD GOOD IN TIGHTY WHITIES

HEY, GOAT. CAN I HAVE SECONDS OF ICE CREAM BEFORE I GO HOME?
OH, PIG. YOU'RE A GUEST AT MY HOUSE... OF COURSE... TAKE IT AS A GIVEN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TAKING IT AS A GIBBON.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO HOME.
Hey.
Me want banana.

OKAY, GUYS, IT'S TIME TO END OUR LITTLE LEMMING LIVES...
BOB, YOU START US OFF.
ALRIGHT, FRED!
WAIT! WAIT! YOU YELLED "ALRIGHT" IN THAT SPEECH BALLOON!
BUT THAT'S NOT A WORD, BOB! IT'S "ALL RIGHT"... TWO WORDS...
ASK ANYONE!
OH, CRAP. REALLY?
IT'S A SHAME TO GO OUT ON A GRAMMATICAL ERROR.

I'M DATING A NEW GIRL NAMED `AVI.' SHE'S THE PERFECT GIRL FOR ME.
WHAT MAKES HER THE PERFECT GIRL?
IF I GET AN 'I LOVE AVI' TATTOO AND WE BREAK UP, I CAN ALWAYS CHANGE IT TO 'I LOVE RAVIOLI.'
BRILLIANT.
HEY, WHO DOESN'T LOVE RAVIOLI.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
A SEQUEL TO THE HEADLESS HORSEMAN STORY... THE GUY WILL DO ANYTHING TO FIND A NEW HEAD, SO HE EXPLOITS ALL HIS PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHERS TO GET ONE.
SO HE USES PEOPLE TO GET A HEAD?
YOUR HUMOR'S BOTH SLEEPY AND HOLLOW.

HEY, PIG. HOW ARE YOU DOING?
NOT SO GOOD. IT'S MY GRANDMA. WE EXPECT HER TO GO ANY DAY.
I'M SO SORRY.
WHY? SHE'S BEEN VACATIONING AT OUR HOUSE FOR A WEEK.
NEVER MIND.
THE WOMAN NEEDS TO FIND A HOTEL.

WHY DO PEOPLE GO ON SPIRITUAL SEARCHES?
TO FIND A SATISFYING RELIGION. SOMETHING RELIABLE THAT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR THEM IN THE DARKEST MOMENTS OF THEIR LIVES.
BEER CANNOT BE A RELIGION.
PLEASE DON'T BLASPHEME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY CHURCH'S RELICS.

RAT!
A RAINBOW!
FOLLOW IT TO ITS END. THERE'S S'POSED TO BE ALL SORTS OF MAGICAL STUFF THERE.
OH YAY! YAY!
WHEEEEE!
WOOOOHOOO--
IT'S NEARING ITS END! IT'S NEARING ITS END!!
WHAT'D YOU EXPECT, A $@#*%&$^ LEPRECHAUN?
WELL, THAT WAS LESS THAN MAGICAL.
WE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T ASK TO SEE HIS POT OF GOLD.
URP.

I HAD A JOB INTERVIEW TODAY. THEY ASKED ME WHAT MY GREATEST WEAKNESS WAS.
YEAH. THAT'S A COMMON INTERVIEW QUESTION. IT'S DESIGNED TO SEE HOW CREATIVE YOU CAN COMPLIMENT YOURSELF.
THAT'S WHAT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO DO?
YEAH. SO PEOPLE SAY, "I WORK TOO HARD" OR "I CARE TOO MUCH". WHY? WHAT'D YOU SAY?
I'M DUMB AS ROCKS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PROTESTING THIS DEPARTMENT STORE. THEY HAVE A WHOLE SECTION DEVOTED TO MEN USING PROFANITY.
IT'S "MENSWEAR." NOT "MEN SWEAR."
OH.
HEY... THIS SOUNDS LIKE A FUN B%@#@* SECTION.

HEY, GOMER GOLDFISH, HOW GOES IT?
GOOD. I'M THINKING ABOUT GOING TO NEW YORK CITY SO I CAN HANG OUT IN THE EAST VILLAGE AND KNOCK BACK A FEW BLOODY MARYS WITH SOME FAMOUS ARTISTS AND WRITERS.
OR MAYBE I'LL JUST SWIM AROUND IN A LITTLE GLASS BOWL.
GOLDFISH CAN BE SO SARCASTIC.

HEY NEIGHBOR BOB...HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. ME AND MY WIFE ARE GOING ON A COUPLES DATE WITH ANOTHER COUPLE.
WHAT'S A COUPLES DATE?
A COUPLES DATE IS WHEN FOUR PEOPLE GET TOGETHER AND NONE OF THEM WANT TO.
HOW FUN.
KNOCK ME UNCONSCIOUS SO I HAVE AN EXCUSE TO BE LATE.
AGAIN?

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT... THE SAD LITTLE END OF OUR LEMMING LIVES... SO IF THERE WAS EVER ANYTHING DANGEROUS YOU WANTED TO DO IN LIFE BUT WERE AFRAID TO TRY, NOW IS THE TIME.
PUFF
PUFF
PUFF
PUFF
TAKE THAT, SURGEON GENERAL.