Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU HAVE ANY ASPIRATIONS IN LIFE?
I AM A REGIUST. AND AS A REGIUST, I MOCK THE LOFTY ASPIRATIONS OF OTHERS AND MAINTAIN FOR MYSELF BUT ONE SIMPLE GOAL.
WHICH IS WHAT?
TO BE SO GREAT THAT WHEN I DIE, THE WORLD ENDS.
TRY HUMILITY.
IN THE RACE FOR GREATNESS, HUMILITY IS BUT A BOOBY PRIZE.

GOSH, THAT WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO ME SURE IS PRETTY.
WELL, SAY SOMETHING TO HER. NOTHINGS GUNNA HAPPEN IF YOU JUST SIT THERE.
EXCUSE ME, BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT THE CHILDREN'S SONG "RING AROUND THE ROSIE. A POCKETFUL OF POSIES, ASHES, ASHES, WE ALL FALL DOWN" IS ACTUALLY A REFERENCE TO THE BLACK DEATH, A PLAGUE THAT KILLED MILLIONS?
PERHAPS SILENCE IS THE BETTER APPROACH.

I HEAR YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT YOUR NEW FROG NEIGHBORS.
Yeah. Me hate slimy amphibians almost as much as me hate you.
WELL, THE REASON THAT THEY'RE 'SLIMY' IS THAT THEY BREATHE THROUGH THEIR SKIN. IF THEIR SKIN ISN'T MOIST, THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY ARE YOU BLOW-DRYING FREDDY?
Ohh, just styling hair.

HEY, RAT, I'M HOME!
WHERE YOU BEEN?
GROCERY STORE... DID YOU KNOW THEY HAVE SPRAYERS NOW THAT GO OFF IN THE PRODUCE SECTION?
YEAH. THEY'RE FOR KEEPING THE PRODUCE FROM WILTING.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR?
YEAH. WHY?
NO REASON.

Hey, son... Where my wife? We want her sign petition against sheety amphibian thieves moving centro neighborhood.
She's at the hairdresser, dad... and Freddy's family are not thieves-- they're--
AH!
HE STEAL WIFE HAIR!
Excuse us, Junior. I'd like to talk to your dad.
Why you blame me? He one make you look terrible.

HEY THERE,
PIG... YOU
LOOK HAPPY.
I AM! I JUST
MEASURED MYSELF.
I'M FIVE FEET, NINE
INCHES TALL!
GEE, PIG... THAT
SOUNDS A
LITTLE HIGH.
WELL, I DID MEASURE
MYSELF WITH SHOES.
EVEN WITH
SHOES, THAT
SOUNDS HIGH.
HERE. MEASURE FOR
YOURSELF. I'LL STAND
AGAINST THAT FENCE.
I THINK
I SEE
THE PROBLEM.
YOU MISJUDGED! IT'S OKAY. WE ALL MAKE MENTAL BOOBOOS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GOAT!! I GOT YOU A GIFT CARD FROM STARBUCKS!! DRINK ALL THE MOCHAS YOU WANT..
JEEZ, GOSH, RAT.. THANK YOU!.. BUT ALL I WANT TO-- HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU PUT ON IT ?
NONE. I JUST GOT YOU THE CARD.
YOU’RE A BIT OF AN INGRATE.

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF I SHOULD STILL BUY GAS AT THAT PLACE ON MY CORNER.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CAR WASH.
IT USED TO BE. NOW IT'S JUST AN EXPENSIVE GAS STATION. I CAN DRIVE TO A CHEAPER ONE FIVE MILES AWAY. BUT THAT MAKES ME USE MORE GAS.
SO IS THE CLOSE GAS STATION CHEAPER?
I THINK IT'S A WASH.
YOU SAID IT WAS A GAS STATION.
CAN WE DISCUSS THIS LATER?
SURE. RIGHT NOW YOU SOUND PRETTY CONFUSED.

RAT GETS A PERSON PET
FLUSH
IT'S NICE WHEN THEY'RE HOUSE-TRAINED.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
A PERSON. I GOT HIM AT THE PERSON STORE.
IS HE HARD TO CARE FOR?
NOT REALLY. YOU JUST GIVE HIM A FLATSCREEN AND ESPN AND HE'LL SIT THERE FOR HOURS.
WANT TO GIVE HIM A TREAT?

LISTEN, DAD, YOU NEED TO ADJUST TO THE FACT THAT WE'RE GONNA HAVE AMPHIBIANS LIKE FREDDY LIVING ACROSS THE STREET.
Okay. Me learn adjust.
THANKS MR. LARRY.
PUTTING ON BLINDERS IS NOT ADJUSTING TO FREDDY.
Freddy? Who dis Freddy?
OVER HERE, MR. LARRY.

HI, JUNIOR. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
FREDDY THE FROG. HE AND HIS FAMILY ARE MOVING IN ACROSS THE STREET.
READY... I DON'T THINK WE'VE HAD AMPHIBIANS ON THE BLOCK BEFORE.
I KNOW MOM. WHICH IS WHY WE NEED TO DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO MAKE THEM FEEL AS WELCOME AS POSSIBLE..
BOOOOOOO.
MAKE DAD GO INSIDE.
WHERE YOU TAIL, FORMER FISH?!

I WISH I COULD MEET SOMEONE TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH.
TELL ME YOUR WISH, AND I’LL SHAKE MY BUTT.
AND POOF, THE MARRIAGE FAIRY APPEARED.
BUT BEFORE ELLY COULD ANSWER, SHE RAN INTO HER FRIEND, RITA RABBIT.
WHAT’S WRONG, RITA RABBIT?
MY HUSBAND WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME HERE, SHE SAID, BUT HE’S AN HOUR LATE.
HE’S ALWAYS AN HOUR LATE. THAT IS, WHEN HE EVEN REMEMBERS.
OF COURSE, IF IT’S HIS FRIEND, IT’S DIFFERENT, SAID RITA RABBIT. THEN HE DROPS EVERYTHING.
IT’S JUST SO FRUSTRATING, ELLY ELEPHANT. TO BE MARRIED, BUT SO ALONE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME?
ELLY ELEPHANT CRUSHED THE MARRIAGE FAIRY WITH THE SUGAR DISPENSER.
WHAM
WELL NOW, THAT’S A HEARTWARMING TALE.
YOU SMASH A NEW LITTLE HOPE-SHAKER! YEILD RITA RABBIT!!
NONE FROM THE CONDIMENTS ‘TIL FAIRY!

BEHOLD! I, RAT, HAVE INVENTED THE 'BOX O' SUPERIOR WISDOM'...REACH IN AND GRAB BRILLIANCE!
IT'S BEER.
YES. DRINK EIGHT AND YOU'LL THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
THAT IS NOT WISDOM.
Ohhhhh...AHHH
WELL, LISTEN ME TO YOU, MISTER MISE GUY...
ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER.

I GOT A GERMAN SHEPHERD.
HEY, GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. IS HE HOUSE-TRAINED?
ARE YOU HOUSE-TRAINED?
JA.
THAT WAS PROBABLY INSULTING.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
"OF MICE AND MEN"...IT'S THE STORY OF TWO FRIENDS. ONE IS SHORT AND CRAFTY AND THE OTHER IS AN OVER-SIZED FELLOW WITH MENTAL CHALLENGES.
DO WE GET ROYALTIES FOR THIS?
NO.
I'M FAMOUS! I'M FAMOUS!!

So, amphibian... You is start life wid tail, live underwater.
Den one day--POOF--you lose tail, live on land...
How you essplain?
I DUNNO
I GUESS
JUST
EVOLUTION?
HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN IT?
Mebbe you worship Satan?
OKAY, DAD,
TIME TO GO.
Show us
your horns,
leetle
devil frog.

HEY, DAD, I KNOW YOU THINK AMPHIBIANS ARE SHIFTY AND UNTRUSTWORTHY, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'VE BECOME FRIENDS WITH ONE. HE'S FREDDY THE FROG, AND I'D LIKE YOU TO TREAT HIM WITH RESPECT.
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
JUST MAKING SURE HE NO STEAL SILVERWARE.

MY STUPID KNOW-IT-ALL COUSIN FROM NEW ORLEANS WANTS TO VISIT ME... HE'S THAT GUY WHO EVEN WHEN HE ASKS A QUESTION JUST DOES IT SO HE CAN SHOW YOU WHAT HE KNOWS.
ISN'T HE THAT ONE FROM THE GARDEN DISTRICT WHERE ALL THE WEALTHY TOBACCO, COTTON AND SUGAR MERCHANTS BUILT THEIR HOMES ALONG ST. CHARLES AVENUE IN THE 1840s AND '50s WHEN NEW ORLEANS HAS THE SECOND BIGGEST PORT IN THE UNITED STATES?
ISN'T SUGAR THE THING I'M ABOUT TO JAM UP YOUR NOSE?
CHECK PLEASE.
YES! YES! THAT IS SUGAR!

Hey, Rat. It's me, Pig. What's going on?
Chill. I know what I'm doing.
'ZITS' WINS EVERY SINGLE NEWSPAPER COMICS POLL. BUT 'PEARLS' DOESN'T.
SO I'M GONNA BE JEREMY.
AND YOU'RE HIS DAD.
WITH ANY LUCK, WE'LL CONFUSE THE MARKETPLACE AND PEOPLE WILL THINK 'PEARLS' IS THAT GREAT STRIP ABOUT A TEENAGER AND HIS PARENTS.
But what if people catch on?
CAN'T HAPPEN. WE LOOK EXACTLY LIKE 'ZITS'.
Hey, where all da zeebas?
I THINK IT HAPPENED.
CUT!!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
WEDDING PRESENT. I HAVE TO GO TO ONE OF MY STUPID COUSINS' WEDDINGS.
YOU LEFT THE PRICE TAG ON.
I DID? THEN I PROBABLY DIDN'T NEED TO INCLUDE THAT NOTE.
"HEY, MORONS... I SPENT $125 ON YOUR WEDDING PRESENT."
I LIKE MY GENEROSITY TO BE NOTED.

HEY THERE, PIG... I RUSHED RIGHT OVER WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD SOME GREAT NEWS.
I DO. BUT IT'S NOT GOOD.
YOU SAID IT WAS GREAT.
GRATE. I BOUGHT THE WRONG SIZE FOR MY BARBECUE.
EVEN I'M BEGINNING TO HATE YOU.

HERE'S YOUR MAIL, PIG. ALL JUNK, I'M AFRAID. CATALOGS, CREDIT CARD OFFERS COUPONS.
THAT'S OKAY, MAILMAN MIKE. JUST PUT IT ON THE PATH THERE.
THE PATH? SURE, IF YOU WANT. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D--
FOOOSH
SORRY ABOUT THE SLEEVE.
WANT HIM TO BURN THE STUFF IN YOUR TRUCK, TOO?
UH... NO THANKS

IF YOU COULD EITHER FLY OR BE INVISIBLE, WHICH WOULD YOU PICK ?
I'D BE INVISIBLE.
HOW COME ?
BECAUSE WHEN I FLY, THEY NEVER GIVE ME ENOUGH PEANUTS.
NEVER MIND.
AND WHAT’S WITH THE LUGGAGE RESTRICTIONS ?

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, PIG?
JEAN CLAUDE THE HORSE. HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS SCULPTOR AND THAT'S ONE OF HIS MASTERWORKS. BUT BE CAREFUL. IT'S SUPER DELICATE.
LET ME JUST HOLD IT.
PUT IT DOWN! PUT IT DOWN!
BLAM BLAM BLAM
THUD
WELL, NOW THAT WAS AN UNFORTUNATE EXPRESSION.