Pearls Before Swine | Search

I FIND IT SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHO I CAN TRUST IN LIFE AND WHO I CAN'T.
I DON'T. I HAVE A FOOL-PROOF TEST.
WHAT'S THAT?
I NEVER TRUST A PERSON WHO USES THE WORD "IMPLEMENT." THEY ARE ALWAYS LYING.
SO MUCH FOR MY RESUME.
LET ME GUESS, YOU IMPLEMENTED CHANGE.

HELLO... CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS?
ENCYCLOPEDIAS? ARE YOU NUTS? WE HAVE THE INTERNET NOW.
CAN YOUR INTERNET DO THAT?

GUYS, I'VE BEEN THINKING... I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD JUMP. I THINK WE SHOULD LIVE. BECAUSE LIFE IS FILLED WITH JOY AND WONDER AND LOVE.
THAT REALLY LOWERS HIS CREDIBILITY.

HEY GOAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, DAVE.
NICE TO MEET YOU,
DAVE. HEY, PIG AND I
ARE GOING TO DINNER
TOGETHER TONIGHT. CARE
TO JOIN US?
SURE... I'LL BE THERE SOME TIME IN THE FOUR-HOUR WINDOW BETWEEN 6:00 AND 10:00 P.M.
HE WORKS FOR THE CABLE COMPANY.

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT... THE MOMENT THAT WE, AS LEMMINGS, FULFILL OUR MUTUAL SUICIDE PACT BY EACH JUMPING OFF THE CLIFF IN QUICK SUCCESSION. FRED, YOU START US OFF.
Jump
Poof
I NEVER DID TRUST THAT GUY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR SELLING HIS HOMEMADE NEWSPAPER. HE WAS TIRED OF ALWAYS HEARING BAD NEWS, SO HE THOUGHT HE'D PUBLISH ONE FILLED WITH THE OPPOSITE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT GOOD. I THINK THERE'S A MARKETING PROBLEM.
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?

DIFFICULT TIMES
When the going gets tough...
And the chips are down...
And the breaks aren't going your way...
And everyone is telling you can't...
Give up.
'Cause they're probably right.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
AND DRINK BEER INSTEAD!
I AM SO &%@!#% MOTIVATED!

HEY, RAT. WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
DEPRESSED OVER MY LIFE'S CIRCUMSTANCE. SO I PAINTED ALL THE WINDOWS BLACK.
YOU REALLY THINK THAT PAINTING ALL YOUR WINDOWS BLACK IS THE ANSWER?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY WINDOWS?
HEY, RAT. NEIGHBOR BOB'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
OH, GREAT. WHAT'S IT TAKE TO NOT SEE THAT GUY?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE DRUNK?
BEING DRUNK IS WHEN YOU HAVE
THE WORST COORDINATION, THE
WORST PERCEPTION, THE WORST JUDGMENT,
AND THE MOST CONFIDENCE ABOUT ALL THREE.
THAT
DOESN'T
SOUND
SAFE.
HEY...
THINK I CAN
JUMP AND LAND
ON ANDY CAPP'S
HEAD?

HI. I'D LIKE TO BUY A DOZEN LONG-STEMMED ROSES FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.
THAT'LL BE $150.
BUT THE SIGN SAYS $75.
I KNOW, BUT IT'S VALENTINES DAY AND MY POWER HAS GROWN EXPONENTIALLY.
BWAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA
FLORISTS ARE A CRUEL BUNCH.

HI, SURGEON BOB. ARE YOU READY FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?
YOU BET. I EVEN MADE MY WIFE THIS ROMANTIC, HOMEMADE VALENTINE.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY
I'M BIG ON ACCURACY.

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba. Leesten, Me theenking geeve my woooman heart for Valentine Day.
GOOD FOR YOU. CHOCOLATE OR CANDY?
Why you never cooperate?

HEY, GOLDFISH. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M STARTING TO THINK THIS IS IT...ME...TINY FISHBOWL... SWIM SWIM SWIM...
THE GOLDFISH IS ON TO US.

HEY, GOAT, DO YOU LIKE YOUR ORANGE JUICE WITH PULP OR WITHOUT PULP?
EITHER, I GUESS.
YOU DON'T HAVE A PREFERENCE?
WELL, I SUPPOSE IF I HAD TO CHOOSE, I'D SAY WITH.
YEAH. WHY?
NO REASON. I JUST THINK IT'S INTERESTING THAT--
KILL THE PULPIST!!!
MUST EVERY ISSUE IN THIS COUNTRY BE DIVISIVE?
SOCIALIST!

THE CITY HOSPITAL IS CUTTING BACK ITS EMERGENCY ROOM STAFF AGAIN… AS THOUGH THE WAIT NOW ISN’T LONG ENOUGH.

OH, I NEVER WAIT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE AFTER I TELL THEM MY INJURY, I ALWAYS ADD THAT I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
HOW NOBLE.
WHY JUST LAST WEEK, I HAD A HANGNAIL AND A HEART ATTACK.

RAT SAID YOU MADE A NEW FRIEND, BUT THAT HE'S ALWAYS SAD.
HE'S NOT SAD.
RAT SAID YOU CALLED HIM MELANCHOY.
I DID.
YOU MAKE US ALL SAD.

OKAY, GUYS, BEFORE WE LEAP TO OUR ETERNAL DEATH FROM ATOP THIS MOUNTAIN, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS THEY'D LIKE TO SAY?
I HOOKED UP WITH YOUR W-I-I-I-I-I-I-FE
I SUPPOSE IT'S TOO LATE TO PUNCH HIM IN THE NOSE.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW MUCH LINT YOU GET FROM THE LINT SCREEN IN THE DRYER?
SURE. WHY?
BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR CLOTHING STOLEN PIECE-BY-PIECE BY YOUR DRYER.
SO?
SO WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
LINT. IT'S ALL THE RAGE.
CHECK PLEASE.

WELL, GUYS, THIS IS IT... TIME TO JUMP OFF THIS MOUNTAIN AND END OUR MISERABLE LIVES FOREVER... WHAT’S THE VIEW LIKE FROM UP THERE?
TO DIE FOR.
LET’S KEEP THINGS SERIOUS, BOB.

LOOK, RAT. IT'S SOME CUTE 'LIL' SCOUT GIRLS SELLING 'LIL' SCOUT' COOKIES. I'LL TAKE A BOX!
THANK YOU, MISTER..
UH...I'M SORRY. BUT I DON'T THINK I GOT ANY COOKIES.
THAT'S RIGHT, FATTY. AND IF YOU SAY A WORD ABOUT IT, WE'LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.
THAT'S DISILLUSIONING.
STILL TALKING SMACK, TUBBY?

LARRY, I NEED YOU TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.
No can do. Larry dead.
YOU’RE NOT DEAD, LARRY.
Me got angel wings.
YOU MADE THOSE OUT OF PAPER.
Where me get dis?
THE HARP STORE. LARRY, NOW KNOCK IT OFF. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROOF YOU EVER WENT TO THE AFTERLIFE.
My Husbann went to afterlie and all me got was dis lousy t-shirt
HOW ‘BOUT I SEND YOU BACK FOR SOMETHING NICER?
Whoa. Suddenly fee like taking out garbage.

I HAVE NOT GONE TO CHURCH IN A LONG TIME.
OH, YEAH? WHY IS THAT?
I'M PERFECT NOW.
OF COURSE.
SURE HAS FREED UP TIME TO GET DRUNK WATCHING FOOTBALL.

Try the one at the County Fairgrounds. They have cows and games and cotton candy.
WHY'D YOU WRITE THAT, PIG?
I'M ANSWERING THIS WOMAN'S PERSONAL AD.
MARRIED WOMAN SEEKS AFFAIR
SHE MAY NOT FIND THAT HELPFUL.

DAD, YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WALKER DOLPHINS.
Me keel dem.
REALLY? ALL BY YOURSELF?
HAHAHA. OF COURSE, SON. WHO ELSE EEN NEIGHBAHOOD CAPABLE OF KEELING VICIOUS DOLFEEN?
Well, that was a refreshing breakfast.

HEY, GOAT... THANKS FOR INVITING ME AND NEIGHBOR BOB TO THE MOVIES ON FRIDAY. I KNOW I WANT TO GO, BUT BOB IS STILL ON THE FENCE.
WHY CAN'T HE DECIDE?
WHO SAID I CAN'T DECIDE? :)
YOU JUMP TO A LOT OF CONCLUSIONS.