Pearls Before Swine | Search

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN YOU SIT DOWN TO GET WORK DONE ON THE COMPUTER AND THEN FIND YOURSELF JUST WASTING TIME ON THE INTERNET?
HEY, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A LITTLE BREAK NOW AND THEN. HOW MUCH TIME DID YOU LOSE?
THREE DAYS.
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD INVEST IN A TYPEWRITER.
HOW DARE THEY PUT ENTERTAINMENT WHERE MY WORK IS!

I went to dinner in San Francisco with some friends from my comic strip syndicate and our crazy cabbie drove 85 MPH through the Broadway Tunnel.
Oh my goodness... what happened next??
I'll tell you what was going through his mind but first let me note that this was the Princess Diana tunnel all over again. And he would be immortalized just like her.
Oh, don't be silly, Rat.
Oh, I won't. But I will read these candle in the wind lyrics I wrote in his notepad.
"GOODBYE, 'SPEEDY,' YOU THRIVER I NEVER KNEW AT ALL WHO HAD THE GRACE TO HOLD YOUR PEN WHILE TOONISTS FOUND YOU SCRAWLED...
they scrambled out of their dumb cars and they screamed that you had no brain and those fatties needed YOUR GRAPHIC HAND AND THEY WISHED THEY HAD A TREADMILL..."
...YOU FLIPPED YOUR TAXI TRYING HARD TO SAVE A DAMSEL AND EVEN THOUGH YOU HAD NO CLASS...
They waved you in front of the chase van and they made a cartoonist of you...
SHOULD I HOLD THIS CANDLE HERE??
OOH OOH! CAN IT TALK TO HER??

HEY THERE, MISTER SNUFFLES... LISTEN, I HEARD OUR NEIGHBOR, MR. JOHNSON, ANNOYED YOU BY SHOOING YOU OUT OF HIS YARD WITH A BROOM. AND I'M SURE YOU FOUND IT EMBARRASSING AND DISRESPECTFUL.
BUT YOU STILL CAN'T TAKE HIM HOSTAGE.
HE'S BIG ON RESPECT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I SAW YOU DOING ORIGAMI, SO I THOUGHT I'D TRY IT MYSELF. THIS ONE'S AN EXPLODING DELI OVERWHELMING A POOR TOWN WITH A WAVE OF FALLING MEATS.
IT'S A WHAT NOW?
AN ORIGAMI SALAMI TSUNAMI.
YOU BRING DOWN THE ENTIRE COMICS SECTION.

CHECK IT OUT, PIG. I’M DOING ORIGAMI. IT’S SURPRISINGLY EASY TO MAKE STUFF OUT OF PAPER.
OH, YEAH? SHOW ME WHAT YOU’VE LEARNED TO MAKE SO FAR.
CRUMPLED BALL.

WELL, GENTLEMEN, YOUR LAWYER'S HERE. LOOKS LIKE HE GOT YOU ALL OUT ON BAIL.
AND I BETTER GET PAID HANDSOMELY FOR IT!!!
STEVE DALLAS?
WHO'S STEVE DALLAS?
LOOK IT UP, KID. LOOK IT UP.

Every major character in "Pearls" is currently in prison, with the sole exception of Goat, who isn't funny. So in lieu of a "Pearls" strip, Stephan will run an installment of his favorite online strip, "Cyanide and Happiness."
I just Did you
who a
my of
in her?
I SENSE A WEE BIT OF CENSORSHIP.
WELL, WE'RE IN NEWSPAPERS, GOSH DARN IT!
WHOA WHOA WHOA, WATCH THE LANGUAGE, STEPH.

HI. TODAY I THOUGHT I'D READ YOU A LITTLE SHAKESPEARE FROM THIS BAR STOOL. AHH, YOU SAY, WHERE'S THE HUMOR IN THAT?
I'M READING THE BARD IN A BAR!
OH, GAHH.
MAKE IT STOP.
I COULD HAVE HIM TAKEN OUT, SIR.

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT...THE END OF OUR LEMMING LIVES... IF THERE'S ANYTHING ANY OF YOU WANTED TO DO IN LIFE BUT NEVER DID, NOW IS THE TIME.
TUG TUG
RIP
HOP HOP WOOHOO
AND HE SEEMED SO LAW-ABIDING.

WELL, GUYS, THIS IS IT…THE TIME WHEN WE AS LEMMINGS AFFIRM OUR ETERNAL COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER BY ALL JUMPING OFF THIS CLIFF AS ONE.
WHOA WHOA WHOA…THIS ISN'T A NATURE WALK*.
YOU REALLY NEED TO START COMING TO MEETINGS, FRED.

WHAT ARE THOSE TWO DOING HERE?
GUARD DUCK HAD AN UNREGISTERED R.P.G... DANNY DONKEY IS THE TOWN DRUNK.
THEN WHO'S LEFT TO CARRY THE HUMOR OF THE STRIP?
WE'RE ALL @*@?!*@# DOOMED.
MAYBE WE COULD JUST RUN BLANK SPACE.

NOW WHYS MY WINDOW OPEN? I THOUGHT - OH, GAND. MAYBE I'VE BEEN ROBBED. I BETTER CALL THE POLICE.
BEEP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP
HULLOO, ZEEBA NEIGHA.
THIS HAS TO BE ILLEGAL IN SOME STATE.
KNOW ANY GOOD PRISON SONGS?

LOOK AT THIS IDIOT WHO GOT ARRESTED FOR FLASHING.
WHAT'S FLASHING?
TAKING OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND EXPOSING YOURSELF TO SOME STRANGER.
BUT YOU AND I DON'T WEAR CLOTHES... SO DOES THAT MEAN WE COULD GET IN TROUBLE FOR...
...HEY, LADY!... LOOK AT ME!
NICE GOING.
OH, HEY GUYS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT... WE HAVE THREE CHARACTERS IN PRISON - SNUFFLES, THE BOOKIE BABY, AND ANDY. IT'S LIKE WE'RE AN EPISODE OF "LOCKUP"
SO WHAT? HAVEN'T YOU EVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG?
OH, SURE, BUT LITTLE THINGS, LIKE GIVING THE CABLE GUY $20 TO GIVE ME FREE HBO. BUT WHO CARES ABOUT THAT KIND OF STUFF?
PERHAPS WE SHOULD FORM A GANG.

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT... THE SAD TRAGIC DAY WHERE WE AS LEMMINGS JUMP FROM THIS HIGH CLIFF TO OUR ETERNAL DESTRUCTION... BOB, YOU GO FIRST.
Wheeeeeeeee
HE ALWAYS DID HAVE A GOOD ATTITUDE.

I'VE FINALLY REACHED THE CONCLUSION THAT I'M JUST NOT FRIENDLY OR SOCIAL ENOUGH.
SO?
SO I'VE INVENTED SOMETHING THAT WILL ALLOW ME TO GO TO PARTIES AND BE SOCIAL, BUT NOT TOO SOCIAL.
WHAT IS IT?
THE FRIENDLY BOX.
HOW'S IT WORK?
I'LL SHOW YOU. PRETEND WE'RE AT A PARTY AND YOU ASK ME A QUESTION.
HEY...UH...HAVE YOU TRIED THE DIP?
NO. NO I HAVE NOT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M STICKING OUT MY LEG. IT'S WHAT I CALL 'LIMITED SOCIAL INTERACTION.'
WHAT IF IT'S SOMEONE WHO WON'T LOOK AT PARTIES.
COME A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE FRIENDLY BOX AND SAY THAT.
WHAT IF IT'S SOMEBODY WHO'S BEING SOCIAL!

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ANDY, THE HAPPY LIL' CHAINED-UP DOG, AFTER HE ESCAPED TO VISIT HIS DAD IN THE HOSPITAL?
HE GOT CAUGHT.
SO NOW HE'S BACK ON THE CHAIN?
YOU COULD SAY THAT.
OOH! OOH! CAN WE DIG ANOTHER DITCH, SIR?

SO WHAT ARE YOU GUYS GONNA DO ABOUT LARRY, NOW THAT HE'S REINCARNATED AS JEFFY FROM THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS'?
We ask him help make cherries jubalee.
THAT'S ONE WAY TO GET RID OF HIM.
Hope he no come back as Dolly.

Okay, zeeba neighba... You survive island wid Larry, but us interidating cros about make you life much worse.
WHY IS THAT?
'CAUSE MY GRANDPA'S WATCHING OVER US FROM HEAVEN.
You really lowering interidation factor, Larry.

HOW'S LARRY THE CROC DOING SINCE HE RETURNED FROM THE ISLAND WITH ZEBRA?
I THINK HE'S HAVING TROUBLE FITTING IN WITH HIS FELLOW CROCS.
HOW SO?
Mommy! Mommy! My hug tank's on empty.

BAD NEWS, GUYS. OUR TEAM HAS BEEN SUSPENDED FROM COMPETITION.

WHAT FOR?

ONE OF OUR PLAYERS WAS CAUGHT TRYING TO FIX GAMES WITH THE HELP OF A KNOWN GAMBLER.

WHO ON OUR TEAM WOULD DO THAT?

Meow.
HOPE YOU CAN CHANGE DIAPERS.

Hullooo, zeeba neighba...
Leesten...Crocs learn be chef.
Me and assistant Bob make cherries joopelee.
HOW'S THAT GOING?
GOOD, I SEE.
No light hed on fire, Bob.

HEY, PIG.
LEMME BORROW THAT PEN.
OH, GOSH, RAT...I'D LIKE TO.
BUT THOSE ARE SPECIAL PENS.
AND THIS IS MY SECOND TO
LAST ONE.
WHAT'S SO SPECIAL
ABOUT THEM?
THEY'RE THE ULTIMATE WRITING
INSTRUMENT. I USE THEM TO
KEEP SCORE WHEN I PLAY
TEAM FRISBEE. PLUS, THEY
HAVE FAMOUS PEOPLE ON THEM.
WHO'S
ON THAT
ONE?
THAT'S SEAN
PENN. HE'S MY
FAVORITE
ACTOR.
WHERE'D
YOU BUY
THEM?
AT THE
UNIVERSITY
OF...
STOP!
WHAT?
PLEASE DON'T
SAY THE
UNIVERSITY
OF PENNSYLVANIA.
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE YOUR PENNULTIMATE PENN ULTIMATE ULTIMATE PENN PEN.
DOES THE WORD 'SHAME' MEAN
ANYTHING TO YOU?

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU MET MY NEIGHBOR BILL? HE’S THE CATS MEOW.
HE'S A REALLY GREAT GUY.
HIS CAT HAS LARYNGITIS.
MEOW.
WHY ME?
DOG'S GOT IT, TOO.
RUFF.

D'YOU HEAR THAT ZEBRA FINALLY GOT OFF THAT ISLAND?
HE DID? HOW'D HE DO IT?
WELL, LIKE A REMORA ON A SHARK HE HITCHED A RIDE ON AN UNKNOWING HOST.