Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHY DO WE
HAVE TO CLEAN
OUT OUR STUPID
CATCH-ALL DRAWER
ANYWAYS?
BECAUSE IT'S
BEEN SO LONG
WE DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT'S
IN THERE.
WHADDYA MEAN WE DON'T
KNOW? EVERYONE'S CATCH-ALL
DRAWER HAS ALL THE SAME
STUFF... OLD LIGHTER... DEAD
BATTERY...STRANGE KEY...
ADMITTEDLY, THE
AMISH MAN WAS
A BIT UNUSUAL.

YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON HAVING ANNOYING RINGTONES?
I DON’T KNOW, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU COULD OUT-ANNOY THEM, SAY, WITH A RINGTONE OF A BELCHING MAN SCRAPING HIS NAILS ACROSS A CHALKBOARD WHILE RIDING A SOUPED-UP HARLEY WITH HIS CRYING BABY.
UUUUURRRP EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK VRRROOOM WAHHHHH
PARDON ME. I HAVE A CALL.

HIYA, PIG... MEET MISTER MUFFATONI, THE PUPPET ON A STICK WHO MAKES SNAP JUDGMENTS ABOUT WHO HE LIKES
SNAP JUDGMENTS? MEANING QUICK?
I'D SAY SO.

2:52 Sipped coffee.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RECORDING MY EVERY ACTION SO FUTURE BIOGRAPHIES WILL HAVE AN ACCURATE RECORD OF MY EVERY MOVE.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE ARROGANT TO ASSUME THAT ONE DAY PEOPLE WILL WANT TO CHRONICLE YOUR LIFE?
2:53 Silenced doubters.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THIS COMEDIAN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. HE TALKS A LOT ABOUT GROWING UP AND HOW HIS PARENTS MESSED HIM UP.
INTERESTING. SO HIS PARENTS MESSED HIM UP, HUH? I DON'T SUPPOSE THAT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE THE STORY OF, UHH...
EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE PLANET??
I THINK I KNOW WHY YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE IS SO HIGH.
BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY MORONS?

What's the "WALL STREET JOURNAL"?
AHAHA WHOA AHAHA... YESTERDAY, YOU HAD GUARD DUCK TORCH MY NEW YORK TIMES WITH A FLAME THROWER BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAVE COMICS! IS THAT WHY YOU'RE ASKING?
NO, NO, NO. JUST BECAUSE A NEWSPAPER DOESN'T HAVE A COMICS SECTION IS NO REASON TO BURN IT WITH A FLAME THROWER.
GREAT... THANKS.
FIRE IN THE HOLE!!
HAND GRENADES ARE NOT AN IMPROVEMENT.
THEN READ A PAPER WITH COMICS, TRAITOR.
BE LOYAL TO THE ART FORM, SIR.

EXCUSE ME, GOAT, BUT IS THAT THE "NEW YORK TIMES" YOU'RE PERUSING?
YES. WHY?
NO COMICS SECTION.
SUPPORT OUR OWN, SIR.

Okay, woomun, lesteen...Crocs geet wheels. Run over deer. Eet.
THAT'S A GOLF CART, LARRY. IT'S NOT GONNA RUN OVER ANYTHING.
Whoa whoa whoa, Ms. Larry. Dat no true.
Me run over beetle.
Next time me do talking, Bob.
Hey, whuhn you know...leetle guy still alive.

BOB! BOB! Guess whuhh me see.
Whuh?
Dead deer. On highway. Stoopid tings try run across. Geer hit.
Dead deer taste gud.
Me know dat, Bob. So go steal beeegest truck possible. We zoom down highway. Run over beeeeg deer herd.
How 'bout YOU go run across highway, Bob?
GIMME BACK THE CART, PIG.
Peese no hit me, Man-e-en-Funny-Pants.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUPPORT OUR CAUSE? MAYBE SIGN SOME OF OUR PETITIONS?
I'M SORRY. I'M NOT VERY POLITICAL.
OH, PLEASE, SIR...WE'VE BEEN OUT HERE IN THE HOT SUN ALL DAY. COULD YOU AT LEAST JUST WEAR ONE OF OUR SHIRTS OR SOMETHING?
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, FINE.
THIS IS AWKWARD.

SORRY I'M LATE, GOAT. THERE WAS SOME CONSTRUCTION, SO I HAD TO WALK A DIFFERENT WAY.
THAT'S OKAY. HEY, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, CHRIS…CHRIS, THIS IS PIG.
PIG, HUH? WHAT DO YOU GO BY?
THE CHEESE STORE AND THE BAKERY.
A NAME, PIG…HE'S LOOKING FOR A NAME.
OH. I THINK IT'S LOU'S CHEESE STORE. THEY HAVE VERY GOOD CHEESE.
NEVER MIND.

MY NEIGHBOR, MR. DEATH, STARTED A SHOE REPAIR BUSINESS. IT'S PRETTY CONVENIENT. HE PICKS UP THE WORN-OUT SHOES RIGHT FROM THE CUSTOMERS' HOMES.
HOW'S THAT GOING?
NOT SO WELL.
WHY NOT?
I'VE COME FOR YOUR SOLE.

HEY, PIGITA... MY NEIGHBORS BOB AND BETTY ASKED IF WE'D BE INTERESTED IN DOING SOMETHING WITH THEM.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THEM.
WELL, FOR ONE THING, THEY'RE SWINGERS.
SHE DOESN'T APPROVE OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, PIG?
IT'S MY NEIGHBOR, JUAN.
HE'S SO RUDE TO PEOPLE, BUT I DON'T THINK HE
REALIZES IT.
WELL, IT CAN BE PAINFUL FOR SOME PEOPLE TO SEE THEMSELVES AS THEY TRULY ARE.
SO IT ACHES JUAN TO KNOW JUAN?
SURELY, YOU CAN DO BETTER.

WELL, GOAT, I'M OFF... I JOINED TOASTMASTERS INTERNATIONAL AND HAVE MY FIRST MEETING.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. ARE YOU GOING TO IMPROVE YOUR PUBLIC SPEAKING SKILLS?
IT APPEARS THERE'S BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR WILLY! WAIT TO GOING TO MARS?
CAN'T. HAVE TO STUDY.
WHY?
I NEED A 4.6 G.P.A.
WHAT FOR?
TO GET INTO A TOP-TIER, IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL.
WHERE, IF I WORK REALLY HARD, I CAN GET A DEGREE AND THEN A SIX-FIGURE JOB.
WHERE, IF I WORK EVEN HARDER, I CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY FOR MANY YEARS.
WHICH, IF EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT, WILL ALLOW ME TO RETIRE COMFORTABLY AT 65.
THEN WHAT?
THEN MAYBE I'LL HAVE A COUPLE YEARS LEFT BEFORE I DIE.

WHAT'S THE KEY TO BEING HAPPY?
I THINK IT'S LEARNING TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
WHICH MOMENT? BECAUSE MANY OF MINE ARE CRAPPY.
THIS MOMENT.
THIS MOMENT? OH, HOW BORING.

PROMOTE PEACE... 'CO-EXIST'... 'SAVE THE PLANET'... WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME WHAT TO DO ON THEIR BUMPER STICKERS?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY DOES IT MATTER?
BECAUSE IT BOTHERS ME. SO I'VE CREATED MY OWN…
Stop telling me what to do on your bumper stickers.
I THINK IT HURTS YOUR CASE THAT IT'S ON A BUMPER STICKER.
HEY. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO.

HEY, PIG. I WANT YOU TO MEET ONE OF THE BEST ENTERTAINMENT LAWYERS IN HOLLYWOOD... I'M SELLING A 'PEARLS' MOVIE SCRIPT AND HE'S GONNA HELP ME.
HI... I'M LES ABELL.
OHH, DON'T SAY THAT. I BET IF YOU TRY A LITTLE HARDER, ONE DAY YOU'LL BE JUST AS GOOD AS ALL THE OTHER LAWYERS.
WHAT THE @#&$ IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
PIG... HE'S LES ABELL.
WELL, DON'T SAY IT IN FRONT OF HIM.

LOOK AT THAT GUY HOLDING HIS CELL PHONE SO CLOSE TO HIS HEAD. DO YOU THINK IT'S TRUE THAT THOSE THINGS CAN BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH?
SOMETIMES.

HEY THERE, PIG. JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR BEING SO NICE AND WELCOMING ME BACK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
IT'S MY PLEASURE, MR. DEATH. HEY, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WEARING THE GIFT I GOT YOU?? I BOUGHT IT ON MY LAST VACATION.
OH, THAT'...? WELL, I...
OH, C'MON, MR. DEATH... YOU'RE REALLY GONNA HURT MY FEELINGS.
HAPPY?
YOU LOOK SOOOO CUTE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT THE GRIM REAPER GUY IS MOVING BACK INTO THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR TO YOU?
YEAH, I SURE MISSED MR. DEATH. I'M EVEN MAKING A SIGN ON BEHALF OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD WELCOMING HIM BACK.
I GUESS HE AND MRS. DEATH WERE SEPARATED FOR A WHILE.
THIS TOWN WELCOMES DEATH
MAYBE WE COULD RE-WORD THAT.
HOW 'BOUT THIS?
EAGERLY AWAITING DEATH

Hullooo, zeeba neighba, leestn... Crocs buy eeendustrial strengf trash compakker.
WHAT FOR?
Shove you eenside. Crush you like Hefty bag.
DO YOU THINK THAT CAN CRUSH AN ANIMAL MY SIZE?
Do me trink? Me know. Me and Burt be like professional scientist. Did many test.
WHERE'S BURT?
He scream a lot for professional scientist.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING PING PONG WITH RAT.
BUT HE'S JUST SMASHING THE BALL INTO YOUR FACE.
YEAH. RAT SAYS THE "PING" IS WHEN YOU HIT IT WITH THE PADDLE. BUT THE "PONG" IS WHEN YOU SMASH SOMEONE'S FACE. OTHERWISE, HE SAYS IT'D BE CALLED 'PING PING'.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY--
MAY I ONE DAY BE A PINGER?
A PONGER BE A PINGER? NOW I HAVE TO PADDLE YOU FOR ASKING.

HEY, RAT, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE NOT EATING YOUR SOUP THE RIGHT WAY...WHEN YOU DIP THE SPOON, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MOVE IT AWAY FROM YOU, NOT TOWARD YOU.
LIKE THAT?
NOT QUITE.
SHOULD I TRY AGAIN, MISS MANNERS?