Pearls Before Swine | Search

WELL, MR. WHINY, GOOD NEWS...
FOOD? RESCUE?
NO...THE RESORT'S GONNA HOLD A SPIRITUAL RETREAT WITH AN EMPHASIS ON THE ETERNAL SOUL AND PERFECTION THROUGH REINCARNATION.
HOW IS THAT GONNA HELP ME WHEN I'M STARVING...
MAYBE YOU CAN COME BACK AS A CHEESEBURGER.

Elly Elephant went on a date.
Her date talked about himself.
And talked about himself.
And talked about himself.
"I wonder if he even knows I'm here," wondered Elly.
So Elly stood on her head.
And hung from the chandelier.
And lit her head on fire.
And finally noticed.
Is it me or does it feel warm in here?
Elly Elephant roasted her date like a marshmallow.
I know your romance novels don't sell well.
YEAH. WHO DOESN'T LIKE MARSHMALLOWS?
MAKE HIM A SMORE! MAKE HIM A SMORE!

HEY THERE, RAT. DID YOU HEAR GOAT PRACTICING HIS SINGING? HE'S TAKING VOICE LESSONS.
I DID. HE REALLY HAS A GOLDEN VOICE.
YOU THINK?
YEAH. IT SOUNDS LIKE GOLD BRICKS BEING HURLED DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
SO THAT'S WHAT THAT EXPRESSION MEANS.
NO.
WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?

OKAY, RAT, I’VE TRIED TO BE PATIENT, BUT A GUY’S GOTTA HONOR HIS GAMBLING DEBTS OR ELSE PAY THE PRICE AND YOU, MY FRIEND, HAVE TO PAY…
WHOA WHOA WHOA, BOOKIE BABY LISTEN…I’VE GOT YOUR CASH…I JUST—
NAP TIME.

HEY, PIG. DO YOU HAVE A GAME TONIGHT?
YEAH, BUT I DON'T LIKE THE OTHER TEAM. THEY'RE RUTHLESS.
AND YOUR TEAM'S NOT?
NO. WE'RE PRETTY RUTH.
NOT SURE THAT'S A WORD.
IN FACT, OUR CENTER'S A GRUNTLED POSTAL WORKER.

PSSST. BARTENDER. YOU HAVE TO
LISTEN TO ME. I KNOW YOUR SOCIAL
ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR. WE HAVE A
HISTORY. AND HE'S TRYING TO GET
ME INTO THE WATER TO EAT ME.
WHOA...GOT IT.
WHAT'S THAT?
OUR '800' NUMBER.
PUSH '4' FOR
COMPLAINTS.
PERHAPS
YOU DON'T
UNDERSTAND.
OH, I DO.
BUT BE PATIENT.
THEY TAKE
FOREVER TO
ANSWER.

HEY, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER ABOUT THIS RESORT, WE'VE HIRED A SOCIAL ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR.
GREAT. WHO?
EES TIME FOR WATER POLO!
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S NOT VERY SOCIAL.

ZEBRA'S BAD VACATION
LISTEN! YOU OBVIOUSLY GO BACK HOME
AT THE END OF YOUR WORK DAY. JUST
TELL ME HOW AND I CAN JOIN YOU
AND GET OFF THIS TINY ISLAND.
OH, SURE, BUT CAN YOU
GIVE ME THAT COCKTAIL
NAPKIN? IT MUST HAVE
BLOWN OFF THE BAR.
SURE.
WHERE
IS
IT?
BARTENDERS ARE SO DARN
CLEVER.

HEY, PIG. HOW'S THAT NEIGHBOR OF YOURS...THE ONE WHO WORKS IN THE FACTORY?
YOU MEAN NEIGHBOR BOB?
YEAH. I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM IN A WHILE.
OH, SO YOU DIDN'T HEAR?
HEAR WHAT?
HE GOT HIS PINK SLIP.
OH, THAT POOR GUY. HE MUST BE SO DEPRESSED.
WHY WOULD HE BE DEPRESSED?
KEEP YOUR PERVERSITIES TO YOURSELF.

An Open Letter to Everyone in the World Who Writes Open Letters
No one cares what you think.
SOMEONE NEEDS TO REACH THOSE PEOPLE.

HEY.. YOU'RE FINALLY MOVING PEOPLE.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU REVERSED MY COMIC STRIP.
NO, I MEAN GET THEM TO MOVE, LIKE, TO LOOK AT SOMETHING IN A MIRROR.
YOU MEAN AFFECT THEM EMOTIONALLY?
DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE TO MOVE PEOPLE WITH A COMIC STRIP?

WAAAHHHHH!
OH NO, BOOKIE BABY... IS YOUR WITTLE BOTTLE EMPTY? I’M AFRAID WE’RE OUT OF MILK!
THEN GIVE ME A JACK AND COKE.
THIS FEELS WRONG.

OKAY, PAL, THE RESORT SAYS I CAN GIVE YOU AS MUCH FOOD AS YOU WANT...WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
OHMYGANDO! BURGERS! FRIES!! PIZZA! TACOS!!
I HAVE CHERRIES, OLIVES, AND A LIME WEDGE.
WE BARTENDERS HAVE LIMITED OPTIONS.

LISTEN, I'M HAPPY TO GIVE YOU SOME FOOD AND SAVE YOU FROM STARVING AND DYING A GRUESOME DEATH. ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU GO ON YELP RIGHT NOW AND GIVE THIS RESORT A LITTLE BIT BETTER REVIEW.
OF COURSE! I'D LOVE TO! BUT MY IPHONE HAS NO CHARGE! CAN I YOU JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET BACK TO CIVILIZATION AND CHARGE MY PHONE?
IT'S SAD YOU'RE BEING SO UNREASONABLE.

ZEBRA'S BAD VACATION
SCOTCH AND SODA
WHO ARE YOU?
THE RESORT SENT ME. THEY SAID YOU GAVE THEM A BAD REVIEW ON 'YELP' AND THEY WANTED TO TRY TO FIX THINGS BY SETTING UP A BAR.
BUT I'M STARVING. I NEED FOOD.
YOU ARE SO HARD TO PLEASE.

A Summary of Life at its Various Stages
TODDLER
Life is unfamiliar.
TEEN
Life is aggravating.
20s
Life is to be conquered.
30s
Life cannot be conquered.
40s
Life has conquered me.
50s
Life, I’m starting to figure you out.
60s
Life, I’m going to savor every moment of you before it’s too late.
70s
Life is over.
WELL, THAT’S UPLIFTING.
IT’S NOT MY FAULT WE’RE NOT ALL BORN AS 70-YEAR-OLD BABIES.
SO THAT’S WHY OLD FOLKS WEAR DIAPERS!

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
A STUDY OF THE AMOUNT OF TIME I'VE LOST IN MY LIFE DUE TO PEOPLE WHO DON'T ACCELERATE AT GREEN LIGHTS BECAUSE THEY'RE TOO BUSY DOING SOMETHING ON THEIR SMARTPHONE.
HOW MUCH TIME?
SEVEN MILLION YEARS.
THAT SEEMS HIGH.
THERE WERE A LOT OF PEOPLE.

HEY, RAT. WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
GIMME A RUM AND COKE. AND GIMME A GIN AND TONIC FOR MY BOOKIE.
SORRY, RAT, BUT I'M GONNA NEED TO SEE YOUR FRIEND'S I.D.
WHAT FOR?
HE LOOKS A LITTLE YOUNG.
IT'S THAT @#$%&* DIAPER.

HEY, RAT...THAT LITTLE BOOKIE BABY OF YOURS IS AT THE DOOR. HE SAYS YOU OWE HIM TWO GRAND ON THE PHILLY GAME.
WHO CARES? HE'S A BABY. WHAT'S HE GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
WAAAAAAA
MY, YOU PAID HIM FAST.
BABIES CAN BE SO @#$%^& RUTHLESS.

LISTEN, LARRY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
STOP CHASING ME. I'M MUCH FASTER
THAN YOU ON LAND. YOUR ONLY
ADVANTAGE IS IN THE WATER. AND IT
WOULD TAKE A PRETTY BRILLIANT PLAN
TO GET ME TO JUMP IN THERE.
Help. Me drowning.

ZEBRA'S BAD VACATION
ALRIGHT, LISTEN. IF YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE STRANDED ON THIS ISLAND WITH NO MEANS OF COMMUNICATION, NO SHELTER, AND NO FOOD, WE MIGHT AS WELL WORK TOGETHER IN THE SPIRIT OF A TEAM.
You lost me at 'no food!'
YOU'RE REALLY HURTING TEAM SPIRIT.

YOU KNOW, STEPH, I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T THINK ANY OF US ASKED YOU TO JOIN OUR BASKETBALL TEAM. WOULD YOU LIKE TO?
SURE, PIG. I PLAYED A LOT OF BASKETBALL IN THE EARLY '80s. MATTER OF FACT, I PROBABLY STILL HAVE MY OLD BASKETBALL SHORTS.
SHORTS ARE A LITTLE LONGER NOW, STEPH.
THE HORROR! THE HORROR!

PARDON ME, BUT ALL THE TABLES IN THIS CAFE ARE FULL. MIND IF I SHARE YOURS?
SURE. GO AHEAD.
VRRRRRRRRR
VRRRRRR
CLANG
CURRENTLY IN ANTISOCIAL GLOBE O'GOODNESS
YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID NO.
SORRY. CAN'T HEAR SQUAT.

I HATE HOW IN THIS P.C. AGE, WE ALL HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO EXPRESS OUR TRUE OPINIONS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO EXPRESS YOUR OPINION.
MEN WHO WEAR SWEATER VESTS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BREED.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
THEIR KIND WILL NOT BE MISSED.

HEY, PIG... WHERE'S
PAT? I THOUGHT
HE WAS GONNA
WATCH THE GAME
WITH US.
HE FORGOT
TO PLACE A
BET WITH
HIS BOOKIE.
HE'S GOING TO
PLACE A BET
NOW? ISN'T IT
A BIT LATE?
HE SAYS HE
CAN STILL
REACH HIM.
TWO G'S ON PHILLY.