Pearls Before Swine | Search

Zeeba neighba....
WHAT?
Dere no barrier. No bush. No fence. Nutting stop us keel you. Dis beeg moment me wait for.
FIST
BUMP
CHEST
BUMP
Speach! speach!
Okay...Uh...Good knowing you...Me hate you face...Die...
AARGHHH
THWACK
THWACK
Guy protected by force field, Bob.
Curse you, technology.

WHAT DO YOU DREAM OF BEING WHEN YOU’RE OLDER?
OH, A TOY SHOP OWNER! I’D HAVE ALL THE TOYS I EVER WANTED FOR FREE!!
TOY SHOP OWNERS DON’T GET TOYS FOR FREE. THEY PAY FOR THEM.
LIFE IS CRUEL.

HEY, NEIGHBOR MELANIE! HOW ARE THINGS? HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND?
TERRIFIC, PIG! WE'VE BEEN GETTING ALONG GREAT EVER SINCE WE DECIDED TO COMMUNICATE BETTER AND BE MORE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO YAPPING ABOUT?
OH, SORRY, RAT. THIS IS MELANIE. SHE AND HER HUSBAND NOW HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE.
WELL, WOW, HER MOOD SURE CHANGED FAST.

IF THE CHOICE WAS YOURS, HOW WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO DIE?
I DON'T KNOW... I GUESS RIGHT HERE DRAWING AT MY DRAWING TABLE.
BY NATURAL CAUSES.
FELT PRETTY NATURAL TO ME.

HOW'S IT
GOING, SIR?
NOT GOOD, L'IL GUARD DUCK.
I'M HAVING FRIENDS OVER FOR
LUNCH AND I CAN'T GET THE
MAYONNAISE LID LOOSE.
BLAM!!
IT'S
LOOSE
NOW,
SIR.
WELL, NOW, THAT'S
A HANDY-DANDY
KITCHEN DEVICE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO GO AROUND IN A BABY WALKER?
YUP. I JUST ROLL AROUND AND DRINK BEER. MY GOAL IS TO NEVER HAVE TO GET UP TO DO ANYTHING AGAIN.
WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE TO GET UP TO DO SOME THINGS.
I GOT WHAT YOU ASKED ME TO GET, RAT.
I'M GOING NOW.
NO, NO. I'M GOING NOW.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
SHOPPING. HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT LETS HIM SIT WHEREVER HE WANTS YET ALWAYS HAVE A BEER HANDY.
SQUEAK SQUEAK
SQUEAK SQUEAK
GOTTA LOVE THE BABY STORE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH...WHAT DO I WANT...HMMMM...
MAYBE A CHEESEBURGER...NO...NO...JUST PLAIN...NO NO...CHEESE.
FOR HERE OR TO GO?...HMMM...
DUDE...YOU HAD THAT ENTIRE GOSHDARN LINE TO DECIDE ALL OF THIS AND YOU WAIT 'TIL NOW TO DECIDE?
OUT OF MY FACE, PAL.
MAKE HIS TO GO.

Dear Girls,
I am not smart. I’m fat. I’m poor. And I’m ugly.
Come and get me!
YOUR SINGLES AD LEAVES SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED.

I GOT TWO HUNDRED COMPLAINTS ABOUT THIS FEBRUARY 8TH STRIP WHERE YOU SAY YOU'RE TRY TO RUN OVER PEOPLE LIKE JEFF, THE ANNOYING CYCLIST
BUT I'M JUST A CARTOON CHARACTER.
THAT'S NOT HOW THESE PEOPLE VIEW IT. THEY SAY YOU'RE AN 'ADVOCATE'... THAT YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO AFFECT PEOPLES' BEHAVIOR.
BREAK STEPHAN'S FINGERS!! BREAK STEPHAN'S FINGERS!!
HAVING FUN?
WHAT'S TAKING THESE PEOPLE SO LONG?

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I HAVE FAITH IN ANYTHING. BUT I'M NOT SURE I KNOW WHAT FAITH IS.
IT'S BELIEVING IN SOMETHING.. TRUSTING AND RELYING ON IT WITHOUT QUESTION. IS THERE SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT MEETS THAT STANDARD?
CHEESE.
MAYBE I DIDN'T DEFINE THAT WELL.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME. I NEED TO BUILD A CHURCH.

THE CARTOONISTS' WAR
RAT! RAT! STEPHAN'S BEEN FREED! THE EAST COASTERS HAVE GIVEN UP!
REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?
STEPHAN USED HIS SKIIS TO MAKE THEM SURRENDER.
SKIIS? WHAT SKIIS?
AND THEN THE GUY SAYS, 'DUNK RYE FOR ME, ARCH AND TINA! IT'S A PUN! GET IT?'
STOP! STOP! WE GIVE UP!
AUGHHHHHH!

Okay, Shortfawn, your pals don't want to pay your RANSOMmee. So this is here's Beetle Bailey. He's gonna SHOOT you.
Shoot me? Does he know HOW?
What do you mean, "DOES he know HOW?" HE'S a soldier.
But this country's been in five wars and countless military excursions since his creation in 1950, and I don't think he's been in one of them.
That is a little odd.
WE PREFER LIGHTHEARTED FAMILY FARE.
By the way, are you and Sarge 'Friends with BENEFITS?'

OKAY, MISTHER SHMART GUY, WE HAVE WAYS
OF MAKING HOOSHAGES SHPEAK.
NO! NO! STOP! I'LL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING!
BUT WE HAVEN'T
SHTARTED THE
TORTURE.
I THOUGHT
THOSE CUTEY
"S"S WERE
THE TORTURE.
IT'S
A SHPEECH
IMPEDIMENT
SORRY.
MAY I
ELECTROFY
HIS NIPPLES
NOW?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A HAMMER?
Ees genetic adaptation.
Ees better equip us keel zeeba.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Bob here esspert. We hire heem essplain white theengs.
He reely smart. Geeve us superior knowledge.
YEAH, WELL, BOB'S INCORRECT! A GENETIC ADAPTATION TAKES PLACE OVER MILLIONS OF YEARS. PLUS, IT'S A MODIFICATION OF THE ANIMAL'S D.N.A., AND IT FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGES ITS INNATE ABILITY TO SURVIVE.
Me fundamentally change Bob.

RAT! RAT! THAT CUTE LIL' DOG AND CAT FROM "MUTTS" BROKE IN AND KIDNAPPED STEPHAN AT KNIFEPOINT! THEY WANT $10,000 TO GIVE HIM BACK!
NEVER
YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY?
I DON'T WANT STEPHAN BACK.
POOR STEPHAN.
NOW IF THEY WANT CASH TO KEEP HIM, I'LL TALK.

STEPH, WHAT THE GRIMX IS THIS EAST COAST/ WEST COAST CARTOONISTS' FEUD?
SYNDICATION'S A ROUGH BUSINESS, GAT, SO EVERY FEW YEARS, CARTOONISTS FROM THE EAST COAST FIGHT ALONGSIDE THEIR CHARACTERS AGAINST ALL OF US WEST COAST GUYS AND ALL OF OUR CHARACTERS.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE GUARDDUCK RIGHT NOW... WHAT WEST COAST CHARACTERS DO WE HAVE THAT CAN MAKE UP FOR THAT?
SHOOT ME NOW.

LISTEN, PIG. THIS EAST COAST/WEST COAST CARTOONISTS' WAR IS GONNA GET UGLY. BUT DON'T WORRY, 'CAUSE WE HAVE THE ULTIMATE BAD@*% ON OUR SIDE, AND THAT'S GUARD DUCK.
GEE, STEPH. I DUNNO. THE POOR GUY'S BEEN SO HIGH-STRUNG LATELY THAT I SENT HIM ON A RETREAT.
RETREAT? TO WHERE?
OHMMMMMMMMMM
TIBETAN PEACE, LOVE AND MEDITATION CENTER

HEY, STEPH, CAN I ASK WHY WE'RE PUTTING MATTRESSES IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW?
IT'S A RE-KINDLING OF THE EAST COAST/WEST COAST CARTOONISTS WAR. IT FLARES UP EVERY FEW YEARS.
BUT YOU GUYS SHOULD BE DRAWING FUNNY DOODLES AND
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
SORRY... I HAD TO CAP ANDY CAPP.
LOOK... HE'S SO DRUNK HE DIDN'T FEEL IT.

YO, TOON BOY, WHATCHA WRITING?
JUST A "PEARLS" STRIP THAT I--
BLAM BLAM BLAM
WHAT THE
#@****$
WAS THAT?
IT'S "BEETLE BAILEY" CREATOR MORT WALKER TRYING TO TAKE US OUT!! IT'S A RE-KINDLING OF THE EAST COAST/WEST COAST CARTOONISTS' WAR! EVERYONE GRAB AN UZI!!
CARTOONISTS ARE AN ODD BUNCH.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE PAINTER?
MAYBE VAN GOGH. WHY?
BECAUSE MINE IS RUBENS. BUT I'M NOT SURE OF HIS FIRST NAME.
I THINK IT'S PETER PAUL RUBENS.
REALLY? 'CAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS "MY-CARTOONING'S-SO-CRAPPY-I-WON'T-BE-WINNING-A-LOT-OF" RUBENS.
YOU SEEM TO DISAGREE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING A LETTER TO THE PAPER ASKING THAT THEY REMOVE THE COMIC STRIP "BLONDIE".
'BLONDIE'S' WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'BLONDIE'?
LOOK AT HER.
WHAT?.... IT'S 'BLONDIE'...
LOOK AT HER RIGHT HAND.
I DON'T
SHE'S FLASHING GANG SIGNS!!
THEY SHOULD REMOVE YOU FROM THE PAPER.
YO, BLONDIE! KIDS READ THIS SECTION!!

HOW YOU GONNA FINISH THE NEXT SERIES? IT'S DECEMBER WHEN YOU'RE WRITING THIS AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE GINGRICH'S CAMPAIGN WILL BE WHEN THE SERIES RUNS.
NO IDEA?? NEWT DROPPED OUT?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
NO IDEA?! NEWT BECOMES NOMINEE!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
NO IDEA? JON HUNTSMAN WON EVERYTHING!
YOU SLIMY CHEAT.
OKAY, LET'S NOT GET SILLY.

Dear Mitts Romnee, Newt guy you running against no is human. He evil amfibian.
How you prove?
At next debate, hold guy underwater, see if can breathe.
P.S. For dis tip, me expekt be made Vice-Pressydent.

NEWT GINGRICH PRESS CONFERENCE
...AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK OF INDIVIDUAL MANDATES. I HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION, FOLKS...
WHERE YOU LAY YOUR EGGS, AMPHIBIAN??
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
SHOW US YOUR GILLS!
SHOW US YOUR WEBBED FEET!