Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, PIG?
IT'S MY NEIGHBOR, JUAN.
HE'S SO RUDE TO PEOPLE, BUT I DON'T THINK HE
REALIZES IT.
WELL, IT CAN BE PAINFUL FOR SOME PEOPLE TO SEE THEMSELVES AS THEY TRULY ARE.
SO IT ACHES JUAN TO KNOW JUAN?
SURELY, YOU CAN DO BETTER.

WELL, GOAT, I'M OFF... I JOINED TOASTMASTERS INTERNATIONAL AND HAVE MY FIRST MEETING.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. ARE YOU GOING TO IMPROVE YOUR PUBLIC SPEAKING SKILLS?
IT APPEARS THERE'S BEEN A MISUNDERSTANDING.

HEY, NEIGHBOR WILLY! WAIT TO GOING TO MARS?
CAN'T. HAVE TO STUDY.
WHY?
I NEED A 4.6 G.P.A.
WHAT FOR?
TO GET INTO A TOP-TIER, IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL.
WHERE, IF I WORK REALLY HARD, I CAN GET A DEGREE AND THEN A SIX-FIGURE JOB.
WHERE, IF I WORK EVEN HARDER, I CAN MAKE A LOT OF MONEY FOR MANY YEARS.
WHICH, IF EVERYTHING GOES RIGHT, WILL ALLOW ME TO RETIRE COMFORTABLY AT 65.
THEN WHAT?
THEN MAYBE I'LL HAVE A COUPLE YEARS LEFT BEFORE I DIE.

WHAT'S THE KEY TO BEING HAPPY?
I THINK IT'S LEARNING TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
WHICH MOMENT? BECAUSE MANY OF MINE ARE CRAPPY.
THIS MOMENT.
THIS MOMENT? OH, HOW BORING.

PROMOTE PEACE... 'CO-EXIST'... 'SAVE THE PLANET'... WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME WHAT TO DO ON THEIR BUMPER STICKERS?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY DOES IT MATTER?
BECAUSE IT BOTHERS ME. SO I'VE CREATED MY OWN…
Stop telling me what to do on your bumper stickers.
I THINK IT HURTS YOUR CASE THAT IT'S ON A BUMPER STICKER.
HEY. STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO.

HEY, PIG. I WANT YOU TO MEET ONE OF THE BEST ENTERTAINMENT LAWYERS IN HOLLYWOOD... I'M SELLING A 'PEARLS' MOVIE SCRIPT AND HE'S GONNA HELP ME.
HI... I'M LES ABELL.
OHH, DON'T SAY THAT. I BET IF YOU TRY A LITTLE HARDER, ONE DAY YOU'LL BE JUST AS GOOD AS ALL THE OTHER LAWYERS.
WHAT THE @#&$ IS HE TALKING ABOUT?
PIG... HE'S LES ABELL.
WELL, DON'T SAY IT IN FRONT OF HIM.

LOOK AT THAT GUY HOLDING HIS CELL PHONE SO CLOSE TO HIS HEAD. DO YOU THINK IT'S TRUE THAT THOSE THINGS CAN BE DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH?
SOMETIMES.

HEY THERE, PIG. JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS FOR BEING SO NICE AND WELCOMING ME BACK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
IT'S MY PLEASURE, MR. DEATH. HEY, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WEARING THE GIFT I GOT YOU?? I BOUGHT IT ON MY LAST VACATION.
OH, THAT'...? WELL, I...
OH, C'MON, MR. DEATH... YOU'RE REALLY GONNA HURT MY FEELINGS.
HAPPY?
YOU LOOK SOOOO CUTE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT THE GRIM REAPER GUY IS MOVING BACK INTO THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR TO YOU?
YEAH, I SURE MISSED MR. DEATH. I'M EVEN MAKING A SIGN ON BEHALF OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD WELCOMING HIM BACK.
I GUESS HE AND MRS. DEATH WERE SEPARATED FOR A WHILE.
THIS TOWN WELCOMES DEATH
MAYBE WE COULD RE-WORD THAT.
HOW 'BOUT THIS?
EAGERLY AWAITING DEATH

Hullooo, zeeba neighba, leestn... Crocs buy eeendustrial strengf trash compakker.
WHAT FOR?
Shove you eenside. Crush you like Hefty bag.
DO YOU THINK THAT CAN CRUSH AN ANIMAL MY SIZE?
Do me trink? Me know. Me and Burt be like professional scientist. Did many test.
WHERE'S BURT?
He scream a lot for professional scientist.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING PING PONG WITH RAT.
BUT HE'S JUST SMASHING THE BALL INTO YOUR FACE.
YEAH. RAT SAYS THE "PING" IS WHEN YOU HIT IT WITH THE PADDLE. BUT THE "PONG" IS WHEN YOU SMASH SOMEONE'S FACE. OTHERWISE, HE SAYS IT'D BE CALLED 'PING PING'.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY--
MAY I ONE DAY BE A PINGER?
A PONGER BE A PINGER? NOW I HAVE TO PADDLE YOU FOR ASKING.

HEY, RAT, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE NOT EATING YOUR SOUP THE RIGHT WAY...WHEN YOU DIP THE SPOON, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MOVE IT AWAY FROM YOU, NOT TOWARD YOU.
LIKE THAT?
NOT QUITE.
SHOULD I TRY AGAIN, MISS MANNERS?

HEY, PAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET OUR NEWEST CHARACTER, MIKEY THE MOUSE.
THAT'S IT?... HE'S JUST A MOUSE? NO WEIRD FREAKISH TRAIT LIKE ALL OUR OTHER CHARACTERS?
FOOSHHH
HE DOES SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
FEEL FREE TO ROAST MARSHMALLOWS.

I JUST READ THOMAS MANN'S NOVEL 'DEATH IN VENICE.'
GREAT. THAT'S A REAL CLASSIC.
OH. AND I CAN SEE WHY. MAN GOES TO VENICE. MAN DIES.
A CLASSIC!!!
MAYBE GREAT LITERATURE ISN'T YOUR THING.
SO IS 'CLASSIC' CODE FOR BORING AND SUCKY?

Hullo zeeba neighba.
Leesten. You got long arms? Me drop keys through grate.
OH, YOU MEAN THE SEWER GRATE?
Barbecue.
Dat guy never helpful.

I HATE EVERYBODY.
I HATE EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE SO UNHAPPY, YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT MOVING ABROAD.
DIDN'T HELP.

WHO WERE YOU YELLING AT ON THE PHONE?
THE PEOPLE WHO COLOR MY SUNDAY STRIPS.
I THOUGHT YOU COLORED THEM.
WELL, I DO. BUT THEN MY COLOR FILE GETS SENT TO SOME COMPANY THAT LIKES TO REFORMAT IT FOR THE COLOR PAPERS LIKE THE SUNDAY PAPER.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.
DON'T BOTHER, REALLY. ALL I KNOW IS THAT THOSE GUYS ARE ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE COLOR THAT APPEARS IN THE SUNDAY STRIP.
WHY'D YOU GET TICKED AT THEM?
THEY TOOK OUR STRIP A FEW WEEKS AGO AND TOLD ME TO BE MORE CAREFUL.
WILL THEY LISTEN?
OH, YEAH, LISTEN, ALL RIGHT. DEAR EDITOR... THIS IS STEPHAN PASTIS... DARN IT. I THINK THAT REALLY INTIMIDATED THEM.
IT SURE DID.
I'LL GET THEM FOR THIS.
WHOA, HE MUST BE MORE BUZZED ON THE INK.

LOOK AT ALL THIS E-MAIL. I'VE GOT HUNDREDS I HAVEN'T EVEN READ.
HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO ALL THOSE?
WELL, ONE LITTLE SHORTCUT I'VE LEARNED IS TO FIRST CLICK THE 'SELECT ALL' FEATURE.
THEN WHAT?
[Delete]
IT'S A BIG TIME-SAVER.

HEY, RAT...
HOW COME PIG
WASN'T AT THE
DINER THIS
MORNING?
HE
HAS
GOOSEBUMPS.
SINCE WHEN DO GOOSEBUMPS KEEP SOMEONE FROM GOING OUT FOR COFFEE?
NEXT TIME PAY YOUR DEBTS.
NEVER
MIND.
LOOK...IT'S A
GOOSEKICKTOTHE-
GROIN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO FIND KLEENEX BOB. HE'S THE LITTLE MAN IN THE KLEENEX BOX WHO RADIO BACK TO HEADQUARTERS WHENEVER YOU TAKE OUT A KLEENEX.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S HOW KLEENEX HEADQUARTERS KNOWS TO POP THE NEXT KLEENEX OUT OF THE BOX! HE'S A CRITICAL PART OF THE OPERATION! AND I CAN'T FIND HIM ANYWHERE! BECAUSE HE'S LOST! LOST!
I THINK I'LL SHOW MYSELF OUT.
SHHH. SENDING IN A SEARCH PARTY.

HEY, GOAT. SORRY THAT YESTERDAY I WAS SO AMAZED AT HOW WHEN YOU PULL A KLEENEX OUT OF THE BOX, THE NEXT ONE AUTOMATICALLY APPEARS. RAT EXPLAINED TO ME HOW THEY DO IT.
THAT'S O.K., PIG... AT LEAST NOW YOU UNDERSTAND.
YEAH. BUT HOW DO THEY GET THAT LITTLE MAN IN THERE WHO RADIOS BACK TO KLEENEX HEADQUARTERS?
HE'S VERY SMALL.
DO YOU NEED FOOD?!
CHECK, PLEASE.

WITH ALL THESE NEW TECHNOLOGIES COMING OUT EVERY DAY, DOESN'T IT SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE WE'RE LIVING IN AN AGE OF MIRACLES?
OH, YEAH. LIKE HOW WHEN YOU PULL OUT A KLEENEX, THE NEXT ONE MIRACULOUSLY APPEARS?
NO.
HOW DO THEY DO IT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
JUST GETTING OUTSIDE FOR A CHANGE... ENJOYING NATURE... IT'S SO PEACEFUL... SO HARMONIOUS. THE BIRDS, THE FISH, THE INSECTS...
ALL OF WHOM ARE TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER.
LET'S NEVER LEAVE THE LIVING ROOM AGAIN.

DONNY DONKEY NEEDED HELP.
So Danny Donkey bought a treehouse at a very tall tree.
"You should invite the entire neighborhood to a housewarming party," said Danny's perky real estate agent. "Then you'll have good relationships with all your neighbors."
So Danny Donkey invited all his neighbors to a housewarming party.
Which went well until he ran out of champagne.
YOU RUN OUT OF CHAMPAGNE! WE HATE YOU!
So Danny excused himself to buy more champagne.
And chopped down the tree.
"Now I have good relationships with all my neighbors," exclaimed Donny Donkey.
SO REMEMBER, KIDS, IT'S NOT GOOD FENCES THAT MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS. IT'S DECEASED NEIGHBORS THAT MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS.
ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AT "Xs" FUNERALS OR JUST NAPPING?

STORY UPDATE
Larry and Bob have bought the hardest toilet paper they can find to bash Zebra over the head while he is on a date at a restaurant.
Okay, Larry, me behind Zeeba booth holding seecret weapon.
Okay. Time bash Zeeba's soft skull. End years of croc misery. God bless you face.
KEEL
We got teehnkeal deeficultees, Larry.