Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, ALEX. HE'S JUST BACK FROM COLLEGE, WHERE HE'S A COMMUNICATIONS MAJOR.
WHAT DOES A COMMUNICATIONS MAJOR STUDY?
HOW TO BE UNEMPLOYED.
NO.
HEY! WE CAN TEACH YOU THAT!

HEY, CHEF BOB... YOUR MENU SAYS YOU HAVE LOCALLY-SOURCED BEEF... HOW LOCAL IS IT?
LET'S GO, FRED.
MAYBE I'LL JUST HAVE A SALAD.

MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA AND I HAD OUR BIG DATE AT THE DRIVE-IN MOVIE, BUT THERE WAS A HUGE STORM.
HOW'D YOU MAKE OUT?
I JUST PUT MY LIPS AGAINST HERS AND WE TOUCHED TONGUES.
WHY'D YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT?

HEY, GUYS. WHATCHA UP TO?
WE’RE GOING TO A COSTUME PARTY. I’M THE WRITER OF “THE ILIAD” AND “THE ODYSSEY.”
AND I’M A BASEBALL PLAYER.
OOOH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
NO, THE GREAT PART IS THAT THE HOST IS GOING TO GIVE AWAY A SPECIAL GIFT IF YOU WIN THIS GRAND PRIZE.
REALLY?
YEAH, BUT THE RULES ARE THAT WE HAVE TO STAY IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME TO WIN. IF THEY THINK YOU’RE NOT LIKE US WE ARE THE REAL GUYS.
OH. I’M SORRY…WELL, UH, GO OUT AND WRITE ANOTHER GREAT BOOK, SIR!
THANK YOU.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
OH, RIGHT…UM, GO OUT AND HIT A HOMER!
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
I DON’T KNOW.
BLAME THE PIG.

ARMANDO! ARMANDO! I FIGURED OUT WHY ALL YOU ARMADILLOS GET RUN OVER!
REALLY? WHY?
BECAUSE WHEN A HUGE 18-WHEELER IS COMING, YOU GET SCARED AND JUMP A FOOT OFF THE GROUND, CAUSING YOU TO GET HIT BY THE TRUCK'S BUMPER. SO DO YOU SEE HOW YOU CAN FIX THAT?
JUMP HIGHER.
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT MEANT TO LIVE.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
NEIGHBOR BOB BORROWED MY SHOVEL WITHOUT ASKING, SO I'M GOING ON THE INTERNET TO RESEARCH POSSIBLE LEGAL REMEDIES.
THE INTERNET? I THOUGHT YOU GUYS GAVE UP INTERNET ACCESS BECAUSE THE BILL WAS TOO EXPENSIVE.
I'M STEALING BOB'S WI-FI.
THAT MIGHT BE HYPOCRITICAL.
IT'S NOT THE SAME IF IT'S FLOATING IN THE AIR!

OKAY, BOYS, REFS ARE IN SHORT SUPPLY,
BUT I WAS ABLE TO LINE ONE UP FOR
OUR FIRST GAME. I'M ASSURED HE'LL
BE KNOWLEDGEABLE AND FAIR.
FAIR IS RELATIVE.
MAY I
PLEASE
FORFEIT
NOW :)
TWEEEET TWEEEET
EXCESSIVE
FATNESS.

OKAY, BOYS, HERE'S THE PLAY I'D LIKE TO RUN. WE'LL PLACE OUR TWO BEST DEFENDERS DOWN LOW. SIR, YOU HAVE A QUESTION?
A SUGGESTION.
DRAW DRAW DRAW
RUN "THE HAPPY GUY" PLAY.
I'M NOT QUITE SURE HOW THAT WOULD WORK.
ME NEITHER, BUT WE SURE WOULD BE GIDDY.

HEY, MR. ARMADILLO, CARE TO JOIN OUR BASKETBALL TEAM?
I'D LIKE TO, BUT MY WIFE JUST GOT RUN OVER BY A TRUCK AND I'M AFRAID I NEED SOME TIME TO MOURN.
OKAY, I'M GOOD.
HE IS SO RESILIENT.

WHATCHA DOING, GUARD DUCK?
MEOW.
I'M STARTING A BASKET-BALL TEAM. MR. SNUFFLES IS MY CENTER. RIGHT NOW, I'M DRILLING HIM ON THE FINE POINTS OF STRATEGY AND SPORTSMANSHIP.
NO, YOU MAY NOT CUT AN OPPONENT WITH ANY KIND OF HUNTING KNIFE.
HE'S A SLOW LEARNER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
READING THIS TEXT FROM MY NEIGHBOR BOB. HE'S THE ONE RAT ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
THAT HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS.
OH,YEAH? WHAT'S HE PROPOSE?
HE'S ASKING IF I THINK WE COULD HANDLE GETTING SOME COFFEE TOGETHER.
WHAT A NICE GESTURE. YOU SHOULD TELL HIM YOU'LL TREAT HIM.
OH,THAT WOULD BE SO SPECIAL...I'LL TELL HIM...I'...I'...I'... 'I'LL...
OOPS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
AUTOCORRECT.
I'll threaten you.
THAT'S A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT MESSAGE.
I'LL SAY SO. SPECIAL MESSAGE BACK.

HEY, ARMANDO ARMADILLO. WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A POPULAR ARMADILLO BOOK CALLED THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ALFIE ARMADILLO.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT. READ ME A LITTLE.
I AM ALFIE ARMADILLO.
THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT
ROADKILL AUTOBIOGRAPHIES ARE RARELY LONG.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE KEY
TO LIVING AN ETHICAL LIFE IS
TO ALWAYS PAUSE BEFORE I DO
ANYTHING AND ASK MYSELF
THAT KEY MORAL QUESTION.
WHICH IS
WHAT?
CAN I GET AWAY WITH IT?
I DON'T
THINK THAT'S
MORAL.
WELL, NOT
IF YOU
GET
CAUGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU READING ABOUT?
THIS FIRE AT A CLOTHING FACTORY IN BANGKOK.
ANY INJURIES OR DAMAGE?
NINE THAIS. TEN TIES.
YOUR PARENTS MUST BE SO PROUD.

LOOK, RAT, I MADE A VICTORY GARLAND FROM PLANTS I FOUND IN OUR BACKYARD. IT MEANS I'M A WINNER!
THAT'S POISON OAK.
I'M FEELING LESS WINNERY.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS OUR NEW NEIGHBOR, MR. ARMADILLO.
WELL, HELLO. DO YOU HAVE ANY FAMILY?
I USED TO, BUT THEY WERE ALL RUN OVER BY CARS.
I'M SORRY. WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?
BUICK, TOYOTA, HONDA, FORD, AND HYUNDAI.
I THINK HE MEANS THE FAMILY.
OH, THEM? THEY DIDN'T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO GET NAMES.

HEY, PIG, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I HAVE A TERMINAL DISEASE.
OH MY GOD, PIG...ARE YOU SURE?
YES.
I CAUGHT IT IN A BUS TERMINAL.
LET'S START OVER.
A SMELLY GUY SNEEZED ON ME.

HEY, RAT...HOW GOES IT?
I HAVE MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
WOW. TELL ME ABOUT IT.
SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON I'VE EVER MET...NOT JUST ON THE OUTSIDE BUT ON THE INSIDE AS WELL.
HOLY SMOKES...I'VE GOT TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.
HEY, UH...I'M SORRY. DID SHE GO TO THE RESTROOM?
NO. SHE'S ON THE SEAT RIGHT NOW.
PERHAPS I'LL SIT FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE.
WHOA. WAIT. WHAT? SHE JUST DIED.
AND I WILL DEDICATE THE FOOTBALL SEASON TO HER.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT. I'M LEARNING TIGHTROPE.
THAT'S GREAT. BALANCING IS SUPPOSED TO PUT YOU IN A VERY ZEN-LIKE STATE THAT IS ULTIMATELY VERY SATISFYING TO THE SOUL.
I THINK IT'S WORKING.

HEY, RAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE.
HI. I'M BOB.
HI. I'M RAT. BUT NO NEED TO TELL ME YOUR NAME.
WHY IS THAT?
I'M PRETTY SURE ONLY MINE IS IMPORTANT.
HE'S SLIGHTLY SELF-ABSORBED.
I SEE.
HEY. NO NEED TO BE INSULTING, GEORGE.

IT'S EMBARRASSING TO WALK IN ON A GUY'S BATHROOM TIME.

PIG HAS A NEW DIET.
HOW'S IT GOING?
GOOD. HE'S VERY DISCIPLINED.
WHAT'S HIS SECRET?
MAY I -
NOPE.

HEY THERE, GOAT...I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MAHATMA GANDHI. HE CHANGED THE ENTIRE WORLD THROUGH HIS ADVOCACY OF NON-VIOLENT CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE.
CRACK
HE LOOKED AT ME WRONG.

WHAT'S UP, TOON BOY?
I WANT TO DO SOME STRIPS ABOUT MAHATMA GANDHI, BUT SINCE HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 60 YEARS, IT'S HARD TO THINK OF A REALISTIC, VIABLE PREMISE WHEREBY I COULD SOMEHOW INTRODUCE HIM INTO "PEARLS."
LOOK, THERE'S GANDHI.
YOU OVERTHINK THINGS.
I HATE YOUR PUNS.

FROM THIS NEW
FORTIFIED BASE,
I SHALL SEEK
NOTHING SHORT
OF
WORLD
DOMINATION
TO BEND PEOPLE
TO MY WILL THROUGH
THE FORCE OF
MY
PERSONALITY
AND IF THAT
FAILS, THROUGH
THE USE OF
PHYSICAL
FORCE.
I WANT
PEOPLE
CHANTING
MY NAME!
I WANT PEOPLE
ATTESTING
TO MY
GREATNESS!
I WANT STATUES
OF ME IN
EVERY PARK!!
I WANT TO BE
WORSHIPED
BY THE
MASSES!!!
I'M REGRETTING
BUYING YOU
THAT CASTLE.
SO...HOW DO I
GET A WORKING
CANNON?