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WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
READING THIS TEXT FROM MY NEIGHBOR BOB. HE'S THE ONE RAT ALWAYS FIGHTING WITH.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
THAT HE WANTS TO BE FRIENDS.
OH,YEAH? WHAT'S HE PROPOSE?
HE'S ASKING IF I THINK WE COULD HANDLE GETTING SOME COFFEE TOGETHER.
WHAT A NICE GESTURE. YOU SHOULD TELL HIM YOU'LL TREAT HIM.
OH,THAT WOULD BE SO SPECIAL...I'LL TELL HIM...I'...I'...I'... 'I'LL...
OOPS.
WHAT HAPPENED?
AUTOCORRECT.
I'll threaten you.
THAT'S A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT MESSAGE.
I'LL SAY SO. SPECIAL MESSAGE BACK.

HEY, ARMANDO ARMADILLO. WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A POPULAR ARMADILLO BOOK CALLED THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ALFIE ARMADILLO.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT. READ ME A LITTLE.
I AM ALFIE ARMADILLO.
THAT'S IT, ISN'T IT
ROADKILL AUTOBIOGRAPHIES ARE RARELY LONG.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE KEY
TO LIVING AN ETHICAL LIFE IS
TO ALWAYS PAUSE BEFORE I DO
ANYTHING AND ASK MYSELF
THAT KEY MORAL QUESTION.
WHICH IS
WHAT?
CAN I GET AWAY WITH IT?
I DON'T
THINK THAT'S
MORAL.
WELL, NOT
IF YOU
GET
CAUGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU READING ABOUT?
THIS FIRE AT A CLOTHING FACTORY IN BANGKOK.
ANY INJURIES OR DAMAGE?
NINE THAIS. TEN TIES.
YOUR PARENTS MUST BE SO PROUD.

LOOK, RAT, I MADE A VICTORY GARLAND FROM PLANTS I FOUND IN OUR BACKYARD. IT MEANS I'M A WINNER!
THAT'S POISON OAK.
I'M FEELING LESS WINNERY.

HEY, GOAT, THIS IS OUR NEW NEIGHBOR, MR. ARMADILLO.
WELL, HELLO. DO YOU HAVE ANY FAMILY?
I USED TO, BUT THEY WERE ALL RUN OVER BY CARS.
I'M SORRY. WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES?
BUICK, TOYOTA, HONDA, FORD, AND HYUNDAI.
I THINK HE MEANS THE FAMILY.
OH, THEM? THEY DIDN'T LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO GET NAMES.

HEY, PIG, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I HAVE A TERMINAL DISEASE.
OH MY GOD, PIG...ARE YOU SURE?
YES.
I CAUGHT IT IN A BUS TERMINAL.
LET'S START OVER.
A SMELLY GUY SNEEZED ON ME.

HEY, RAT...HOW GOES IT?
I HAVE MET THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
WOW. TELL ME ABOUT IT.
SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON I'VE EVER MET...NOT JUST ON THE OUTSIDE BUT ON THE INSIDE AS WELL.
HOLY SMOKES...I'VE GOT TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.
HEY, UH...I'M SORRY. DID SHE GO TO THE RESTROOM?
NO. SHE'S ON THE SEAT RIGHT NOW.
PERHAPS I'LL SIT FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE.
WHOA. WAIT. WHAT? SHE JUST DIED.
AND I WILL DEDICATE THE FOOTBALL SEASON TO HER.

CHECK IT OUT, GOAT. I'M LEARNING TIGHTROPE.
THAT'S GREAT. BALANCING IS SUPPOSED TO PUT YOU IN A VERY ZEN-LIKE STATE THAT IS ULTIMATELY VERY SATISFYING TO THE SOUL.
I THINK IT'S WORKING.

HEY, RAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE.
HI. I'M BOB.
HI. I'M RAT. BUT NO NEED TO TELL ME YOUR NAME.
WHY IS THAT?
I'M PRETTY SURE ONLY MINE IS IMPORTANT.
HE'S SLIGHTLY SELF-ABSORBED.
I SEE.
HEY. NO NEED TO BE INSULTING, GEORGE.

IT'S EMBARRASSING TO WALK IN ON A GUY'S BATHROOM TIME.

PIG HAS A NEW DIET.
HOW'S IT GOING?
GOOD. HE'S VERY DISCIPLINED.
WHAT'S HIS SECRET?
MAY I -
NOPE.

HEY THERE, GOAT...I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MAHATMA GANDHI. HE CHANGED THE ENTIRE WORLD THROUGH HIS ADVOCACY OF NON-VIOLENT CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE.
CRACK
HE LOOKED AT ME WRONG.

WHAT'S UP, TOON BOY?
I WANT TO DO SOME STRIPS ABOUT MAHATMA GANDHI, BUT SINCE HE'S BEEN DEAD FOR 60 YEARS, IT'S HARD TO THINK OF A REALISTIC, VIABLE PREMISE WHEREBY I COULD SOMEHOW INTRODUCE HIM INTO "PEARLS."
LOOK, THERE'S GANDHI.
YOU OVERTHINK THINGS.
I HATE YOUR PUNS.

FROM THIS NEW
FORTIFIED BASE,
I SHALL SEEK
NOTHING SHORT
OF
WORLD
DOMINATION
TO BEND PEOPLE
TO MY WILL THROUGH
THE FORCE OF
MY
PERSONALITY
AND IF THAT
FAILS, THROUGH
THE USE OF
PHYSICAL
FORCE.
I WANT
PEOPLE
CHANTING
MY NAME!
I WANT PEOPLE
ATTESTING
TO MY
GREATNESS!
I WANT STATUES
OF ME IN
EVERY PARK!!
I WANT TO BE
WORSHIPED
BY THE
MASSES!!!
I'M REGRETTING
BUYING YOU
THAT CASTLE.
SO...HOW DO I
GET A WORKING
CANNON?

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BOOKS?
I BOUGHT 'EM... KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO READ THEM.
THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH.

HEY, RAT. HOW COME YOU DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY FACEBOOK MESSAGE YESTERDAY?
I'M TRYING TO STAY AWAY FROM THE INTERNET LATELY. I WANT TO FREE UP SOME EXTRA TIME IN MY DAY.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MUCH EXTRA TIME HAVE YOU FOUND YOU NOW HAVE?
EIGHTEEN HOURS.
IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

HEY, ARMANDO ARMADILLO. HOW GOES IT?
GREAT...I GOT MARRIED LAST WEEKEND.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS! WHO'S THE LUCKY LADY?:)
LUPE. BUT SHE GOT RUN OVER BY A MINIVAN.
SO SHE WASN'T THAT LUCKY.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
JUST SOME FRIED CHEESE STICKS. THEY'RE NOT GOOD FOR YOU, BUT I FIGURE IT'S OKAY SINCE I ONLY EAT THEM ONCE A WEEK.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER ONCE-A-WEEK FOODS?
JUST CHEESEBURGERS, HOT DOGS, FRIED CHICKEN, BACON, CORNDOGS, CHILI CHEESE FRIES, SAUSAGES, DOUGHNUTS, AND FRIED BUTTER ON A STICK.
MODERATION IS KEY.

HEY, RAT, DID YOU GET MY E-MAIL ABOUT THE CHANGE OF DATE FOR THAT MEETING?
YEAH, THE ONE YOU ALSO CONFIRMED WITH TWO VOICEMAILS, A TEXT, AND A FACEBOOK MESSAGE?
YES.
BINGE COMMUNICATING MUST BE STOPPED.

HI, CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO. I'M AN ARMADILLO. I JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR.
NICE TO MEET YOU! I'LL HAVE TO BRING OVER A "WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD" FRUIT BASKET!
OH, NO NEED FOR THAT.
WHY NOT?
I'LL BE HIT BY A TRUCK SOON.
IT'S HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH ROADKILL.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S WITH YOU?
MY SISTER'S COMING OVER, AND SHE REALLY BUGS ME BECAUSE SHE JUST ASKS FOR THINGS.
TELL HER YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I'VE TRIED, BUT SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.
HERE, DRAW IT OUT FOR HER. SAY, 'LOOK, SIS... WE'RE LIKE PLANETS. EACH MOVING IN OUR OWN ELLIPSE.'
BUT SOMETIMES OUR ORBITS INTERSECT, AND DURING THAT TIME, YOU ALWAYS WANT THINGS.'
THAT'S GREAT. I'LL HAVE TO SHOW HER THAT.
HEY, BROTHER, CAN I BORROW A TACK? I'M TRYING TO PUT UP A POSTER.
I'M AFRAID NOT.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I GAVE YOU A TACK YESTERDAY, AND BESIDES, EVERY TIME YOU COME OVER, ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS BORROW STUFF.
SO READ MY ELLIPSE. NO NEW TACK, SIS!
YOU RUIN MY ENTIRE SUNDAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THIS ARTICLE SAYS THAT ELEVEN PERCENT OF AMERICANS BELIEVE ELVIS IS STILL ALIVE.
NO.
YES.
WHY SO FEW?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE WRONG PERSON TO DISCUSS THIS WITH.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE ALIENS PROBED HIM DOESN'T MEAN HE'S DEAD.

HEY THERE, PIG... WHY ARE YOU OVER HERE AT NEIGHBOR BOB'S HOUSE?
I'M HELPING HIM WATCH HIS ELDERLY MOM. SHE'S OFF HER ROCKER.
PIG, THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE WAY OF REFERRING TO SOMEONE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS.
MENTAL ILLNESS, MY BUTT. JUST GOT SORE.
CAN'T A WOMAN STRETCH HER LEGS WITHOUT BEING CALLED INSANE?
GOING BACK HOME NOW.

HEY, PIG. MEET 'LIL RAT... I SIGNED UP TO BE HIS BIG BROTHER.
THAT'S GREAT! WHY'D YOU DECIDE TO DO THAT?
BOOT
BOOT
BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS A ROLE MODEL.