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WHY ARE YOU STILL CAMPAIGNING AGAINST NEWT GINGRICH, DAD?
Becuss amphbians beegest liars ever. One day dey has gills. Nex dey dey has lungs. Dey evin deel wif magicians.
DAD... STOP... THIS NEWT'S A HUMAN... I BROUGHT A PHOTO OF HIM... SEE... WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Dat amphbians learn grow human heed.
No.
Guy probblee laying eggs een swamp right now.

GET OUT OF MY WAY, FAMILY -- ME CAMPAIGNING AGAINST SEGREGATION.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE ABOUT POLITICS?
SINCE AMPHIBIAN TRY BE PRESIDENT. AMPHIBIANS WANTS IN TING IN WORLD.
LARRY, THAT NEWT IS A HUMAN.
HAHAHAHAAAAA
HA HA HA HA HA
AND DAT WHY ME NO LET WOMEN VOTE, SON.
WOMEN CAN VOTE, DAD.
LEMME SHOW YOU WHAT ELSE WOMEN CAN DO, LARRY.

WHAT'S WITH THE SIGN?
Me is support Newt Greenrich for PreesydenT.
WHAT FOR?
Newt is fellow reptile. WE DOMINATE WORLD!
NEWTS ARE AMPHIBIANS.
Politics so disillusioning.

PIGITA?
YES?
I HAVE SOMETHING TO CONFESS.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S ABOUT US.
US??
I CHEATED ON YOU.
...BY LANDING ON 'MARVIN GARDENS' AND NOT PAYING YOU RENT.
OH.
YOU'RE A VERY INTENSE 'MONOPOLY' PLAYER.

HEY, STEPH, I'M GETTING TAKE-OUT FROM THE DELI... WANT ANYTHING?
SURE. GET ME WHATEVER.
HI, I'D LIKE TO ORDER ONE BLT AND A REUBEN SANDWICH FOR MY FRIEND...
OH... YOU'RE OUT OF REUBENS?
SO MY FRIEND CAN'T GET ONE? NO REUBEN AT ALL? NEVER? NEVER EVER? WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? NOT EVEN IF HELL FREEZES OVER?
NOT EVEN IF WINGED PONIES FLY FROM MY REAR END WILL MY GOOD FRIEND STEPHAN PASTIS EVER EVER EVER GET A SINGLE REUBEN??
THEY'RE OUT.

HEY, ZEBRA. HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND, TINA TURTLE? HER HUSBAND TIMMY DIED TEN YEARS AGO, SO ALL SHE DOES NOW IS COME HERE FOR BEER AND CARRY HIS SHELL ON HER BACK.
GEE, TINA, I'M SO SORRY... I GUESS HIS SHELL IS YOUR WAY OF HOLDING ON.
TO MY BEER. IT'S VERY HANDY.
FORGET IT.
MORE ICE, TINA TURTLE?

HEY, GOAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PALS, TIMMY AND TINA TURTLE. TIMMY DIED TEN YEARS AGO, BUT TINA STILL CARRIES HER DEAD HUSBAND'S SHELL ON HER BACK.
AAWW. HOW SAD.
BEST TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE WE'VE EVER HAD.
NEVER MIND.
SO, TIMMY... WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR DINNER? OH, YEAH... YOU DON'T HAVE A SAY.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING FOR BREAKFAST TODAY?
FIFTY GRAMS OF OATMEAL, ONE CUP OF BERRIES, AND A QUARTER CUP OF ALMONDS. IT'S ALL PART OF MY FITNESS REGIMEN.
THAT'S GREAT. HAVING A FITNESS REGIMEN IS IMPORTANT.
ESSENTIAL. AND WHAT IS YOURS?
I'VE STOPPED FRYING MY TWINKIES.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM THAT RICHARD THOMPSON BEAT YOU FOR THE REUBEN AWARD LAST YEAR. THAT "BEST CARTOONIST" TROPHY SHOULD REALLY BE YOURS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA... THAT'S NOT TRUE. RICHARD DESERVED THAT TROPHY. HIS "CUL DE SAC" STRIP IS AWESOME. PLUS, RICHARD IS A KINDHEARTED, SWEET, HUMBLE GUY.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR KNOCKING HIM UNCONSCIOUS.
TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T HAVE STOLEN THIS.

LISTEN, STEPH, I KNOW THAT EVERY YEAR YOU'RE UP FOR CARTOONING'S HIGHEST AWARD, THE REUBEN, AND THAT EVERY YEAR YOU LOSE. SO NOW I FEEL BAD FOR BUILDING YOU THIS EMPTY TROPHY SHELF.
IS THAT SO?
YEAH, SO I BOUGHT YOU SOME DECORATIVE WOODEN LETTERS TO FILL THE SPACE. THEY'RE FUN TO REARRANGE IF YOU'RE EVER BORED.
WOW, I GUESS THAT'S PRETTY NICE OF YOU. THANKS.
OH, LOOK. I'VE REARRANGED THEM.
TAKE THEM DOWN.
THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A TROPHY.

HEY, STEPSTER. QUICK QUESTION.
WHAT IS IT? I'M TRYING TO DRAW..
JUST CURIOUS.. WHAT'S THE HIGHEST HONOR IN ALL OF CARTOONING?
THE REUBEN AWARD. WHY?
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE EVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR THAT?
WHERE IS THIS GOING?
NOWHERE. HEY, JUST WONDERING. YOU HAVEN'T BY CHANCE BEEN NOMINATED THREE YEARS IN A ROW?
PLEASE LEAVE. RIGHT NOW.
AND LOST MISERABLY EVERY SINGLE YEAR??
I BUILT YOU A TROPHY SHELF. MIND IF I USE IT TO STORE GARLIC AND BANANAS?
THE PANTRY IS SOOOO FULL.

YO, ZEBRA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SON, "PIKLA"?
TURNS OUT HE WASN'T MY SON. I GUESS THERE ARE LOTS OF POTENTIAL ZEBRA DADS SINCE MY KID HAS STRIPES LIKE MINE, AND MY EX-GIRLFRIEND JUST PICKED THE WRONG ONE.
SOUNDS TO ME LIKE SOME WEASEL CARTOONIST DIDN'T KNOW WHERE TO GO WITH THE CHARACTER, SO HE JUST WIMPED OUT BY COMING UP WITH THAT STUPID EXPLANATION IN PANEL ONE.
THAT'S VERY INAPPROPRIATE.
THE WEASEL SPEAKS.
HEY! YOU TRY COMING UP WITH 365 IDEAS A YEAR!!!

Whuh you doing, Bob?
Me geet new God, Burt.
Yours no save us.
Yours juss box.
He no juss box. He play moosic.
Releegian very confusing, Bob.
My God so vengeful!

Whuh we gonna do, Burt? Me keep geeting shot by bloowdart assaseen. Buttocks een great pain.
We is pray to God of crocs. He save us.
Hullo, God of Crocs. Dis Bob and Burt… Someone shoot us. Peese make stop now.
Dis why me atheist, Burt.

Whuh you doing, Bob?
Neighborhood no safe. Someone hunting crocs wid blow dart.
No one hurt us. We fierce. We top of food chain.
Gud point, Burt. Stand up. Yell someting.
NAILED THE LOUD ONE.
AHHHHHH! ME GOT BOO BOO! ME GOT BOO BOO!

HEY, SON. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
GOOD. I KNOW YOU WANTED ME TO EASE UP ON THE VIDEO GAMES, SO I WENT OUTSIDE AND PLAYED WITH MY BLOW-DART GUN INSTEAD.
BLOW-DART GUN? IS THAT SAFE?
SURE. I DON'T AIM IT AT ANYBODY. I JUST TRY TO SHOOT IT OVER YOUR HEDGE.
THE HEDGE BEHIND THE HOUSE?
YEAH. WHY?
PULL TEENG OUT OF BUTT, MELVIN!
ME NO COMFORTABLE DOING DAT, BOB.

GOSH, SON, I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO MAKE UP FOR...WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO, PLAY BASEBALL, GO TO THE MOVIES, TRAVEL?
PLAY VIDEO GAMES.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT...AND WHAT ABOUT AFTER?
PLAY MORE VIDEO GAMES.
WELL, MAYBE IN YOUR TWENTIES WE CAN SPEND TIME TOGETHER.
I LOVE YOU, DAD, BUT LET'S TALK LESS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, ZEBRA, I'M VIRGINIA, THE VERTICALLY STRIPED ZEBRA. WE DATED FIVE YEARS AGO.
VIRGINIA! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
NOT GREAT. I'LL GET RIGHT TO THE POINT. WE HAVE A SON.
A SON? US? HOW DO YOU KNOW? I MEAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S MINE?
BECAUSE YOU'RE HORIZONTALLY STRIPED, AND I'M VERTICALLY STRIPED.
SO?
SO MEET OUR SON.
'PLAID'.
OH, GAHH.
TELL HIM HOW HARD ITS BEEN, PLAID.
ACTUALLY, RIGHT NOW I'M IN STYLE.

OKAY, IF WE CAN'T STARVE OUT YOUR STUPID COUCH DUCK, WE CAN AT LEAST CLOSE HIS BANK ACCOUNTS. THAT WAY HE WON'T HAVE ANY CASH FOR NEW WEAPONS.
THERES SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS IN LOOSE CHANGE DOWN HERE.
WE REALLY SHOULDA BEEN CHECKING UNDER THE CUSHIONS.

IF YOUR COUCH DUCK IS GONNA TERRORIZE US BY HIDING IN THE CUSHIONS, WE NEED TO START STARVING HIM OUT.
THERE'S ENOUGH FOOD IN HERE TO LAST THIRTY YEARS.
WE SHOULD VACUUM UNDER THE CUSHIONS NOW AND THEN.

GUARD DUCK HAS A NEW MISSION. HE'S GONNA SNEAK UP ON NEGATIVE PEOPLE AND BITE THEIR BUTTOCKS.
SOUNDS LAME.
LET'S TRY TO REMAIN POSITIVE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
IT'S A LETTER SOME READER WROTE TO A NEWSPAPER ABOUT MY USE OF THE WORD "ALRIGHT"... THE CORRECT TERM IS 'ALL RIGHT,' AND HE NEVER WANTS TO SEE IT WRITTEN AS 'ALRIGHT' IN THE STRIP AGAIN...
AND THIS GUY TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE AN ACTUAL LETTER TO THE NEWSPAPER SAYING THAT?
YEP.
IS THE POOR GUY ALRIGHT?
HEY, DON'T CRITICIZE HIM, ALRIGHT?
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

DO YOU THINK THERE'S AN ELEMENT OF FRAUD IN MANY PROTESTS? THAT SOME PEOPLE RAIL AGAINST THE VERY THING THEY EXEMPLIFY?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE.
FIGHT LAZINESS
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
EXERCISE, PEOPLE!

Hey, Jeff the cyclist. How are things?
Intense. I have to put in long hours training for my next race. My wife and kids don't seem to understand.
I didn't know you had a wife and kids. What are their names?
You should spend more time with your family, Jeff.
Wait... I think one of them is a Betty.

So she went to a bar.
"Hello," she said to the hippo sitting on the bar stool next to her, "I am Elly Elephant."
"My interests are 19th century romantic poetry, South American birds and the work of historian Robert Caro."
"I came here tonight in the hopes of meeting someone with similar sensibilities."
"Oh, silly me," said Elly. "All I've done is go on oafishly about myself. I'm sure you have much more erudite things to say."
"Nice rear."
Elly Elephant beat the erudite hippo with her own book.
YOU KNOW, MOST ROMANCE NOVELS HAVE HAPPY ENDINGS.
YEAH... I'M MAKING UP FOR THAT.
HER REAR IS RATHER ATTRACTIVE.