Pearls Before Swine | Search

Unable to pull off the “Godfather”-style hit on Zebra with extra-soft toilet paper, the crocs send Bob out for a better weapon... regular toilet paper.
Me not want do dis, Larry. Ees humiliating buy T.P.
Shut face, Bob. Peoples buy T.P. all time.
HEY, YOU KNOW, THERE’S A TWO-FOR-ONE SALE ON THAT... LET ME JUST GET SOMEONE TO—
NO NO NO NO NO NO
CAN I GET ONE PACK OF REGULAR TOILET PAPER FOR A CUSTOMER ON AISLE TWO WHOSE RUMPUS MUST NOT BE EXTRA-SENSITIVE?
YOU MISTER HARD-
NO NO NO
You not know nutting.
PLEASE TAKE YOUR TOILET PAPER, CAPTAIN STONE CHEEKS!

How me 'spose hit zeeba wid toilet paper?
Zeeba have thin skull. Toilet paper bust right t'roo.
Eef you say so. But me gonna grab rest of package just een case it... UH OH!
Whuh? Whuh?
Ees Esstra Soft.
ABORT! ABORT!

WHO YOU TALKING TO, LARRY?
Bob. He gonna keel Zeeba at ressaurant. We geet idea from scene in Godfather.
THE SCENE WHERE MICHAEL GOES TO THE BATHROOM TO GET A GUN AND THEN SHOOTS THE COP?
Yeah. Dat where we learn guns come from bathroom.
GUNS DON'T COME FROM BATHROOMS, LARRY. SOMEONE PUT IT THERE IN FIRST PLACE FOR MICHAEL TO FIND LATER... SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU SENT BOB TO THE RESTAURANT AND HAVE NO GUN WAITING FOR HIM IN THE BATHROOM?
SHUT UP, MOUSE. LARRY HAVE BACKUP PLAN!
Whuh you mean, beat Zeeba wid toilet paper roll?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I HAVE A BIG DATE TONIGHT AND I'VE GOT THIS ONE EAR STICKING UP.
COVER IT UP WITH SOMETHING.
LIKE WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO WEAR SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL EVEN MORE AWKWARD.
I HAVE SOMETHING. AND IT WON'T MAKE YOU FEEL AWKWARD.
I FEEL AWKWARD.
HEY... HOPE YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM FIRST.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?
SLEPT ON MY EAR FUNNY. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
JUST TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
SOME OF MY PEZ COLLECTION.
OH, YEAH. IT'S GREAT TRYING TO COLLECT THE BEST PEZES.
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR?
THE ONES WITH THE MOST 'PEZNESS.'
WHAT'S THAT?
PROPER HEAD-TO-BODY RATIO, COLOR, AND MOST OF ALL, RARITY.
AND WHICH ONES HAVE ALL THAT?
"PEZNESS"? GOSH, HULK, MY YODA, THE TIN MAN, MY WILLIAM SHATNER, BUT THE BEST IS THE OPENING OF THE BRITISH STAND-UP COMIC MARGARET CHO. ALMOST NO ONE HAS IT.
THAT'S
GGOOD
GGOD
GOOD?
THERE'S NNOOOO PEZNESS LIKE CHO PEZNESS!
I MADE IT USING HIS ACTUAL HEAD.

WHY DO PEOPLE HATE EACH OTHER OVER RACIAL AND RELIGIOUS AND POLITICAL DIFFERENCES WHEN IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT FUNDAMENTALLY THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE?
WHICH ARE WHAT?
GOOD PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WHO USE THE WORD 'WHOM'.
TO WHOM ARE YOU REFERRING?
WHOMER, REPENT!

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE HAS TO SPEND EASTER WITH HIS FAMILY.
I THOUGHT HE HATED SPENDING HOLIDAYS WITH HIS FAMILY.
HE DOES, BUT HE SAYS HE HAS A WAY OF DEALING WITH IT NOW.
WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
STUDYING HOW TO BE A KNIGHT FROM THE MIDDLE AGES. THESE GUYS HATED TALKING TO THE IDIOTS AROUND THEM SO MUCH THAT THEY HID INSIDE A SUIT OF METAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT'S NOT WHY KNIGHTS WORE ARMOR. THEY WORE IT BECAUSE ---
THAT'S RATHER RUDE.
NUTS. I CAN STILL HEAR YE.

EXCUSE ME SIR, BUT YOUR CAT SNUFFLES WOULD LIKE YOU TO KNOW HOW UPSET HE IS THAT ANOTHER CAT FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD HAS BEEN USING HIS LITTERBOX.
YEAH, WELL I'M TAKING CARE OF MY NEIGHBOR'S CAT, BOOTSES, SO HE'S JUST GONNA HAVE TO LEARN TO SHARE FOR A WHILE.
TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T HAVE MINED THE LITTERBOX.

HEY, RAT, MY FRIEND TIMMY IS COMING OVER TODAY TO HELP ME DIG A DITCH. HE'S REALLY SHORT AND HAS A BEARD.
IS THAT HIM??
WHAT HAPPENED?
I THOUGHT IT WAS A LEPRECHAUN HIDING ITS POT OF GOLD.
HE REALLY SHOULDN'T WEAR GREEN.
HEY, I DID GET A WALLET.

HELLO, RAT. MAY I PLEASE HAVE SOME COFFEE?
SURE, PIG. LET ME HAND YOU SOME....
IT WORKED! IT WORKED!
FIRST 3D COMIC EVER.
GIVE ME MY COFFEE BACK.

Zeeba neighba....
WHAT?
Dere no barrier. No bush. No fence. Nutting stop us keel you. Dis beeg moment me wait for.
FIST
BUMP
CHEST
BUMP
Speach! speach!
Okay...Uh...Good knowing you...Me hate you face...Die...
AARGHHH
THWACK
THWACK
Guy protected by force field, Bob.
Curse you, technology.

WHAT DO YOU DREAM OF BEING WHEN YOU’RE OLDER?
OH, A TOY SHOP OWNER! I’D HAVE ALL THE TOYS I EVER WANTED FOR FREE!!
TOY SHOP OWNERS DON’T GET TOYS FOR FREE. THEY PAY FOR THEM.
LIFE IS CRUEL.

HEY, NEIGHBOR MELANIE! HOW ARE THINGS? HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND?
TERRIFIC, PIG! WE'VE BEEN GETTING ALONG GREAT EVER SINCE WE DECIDED TO COMMUNICATE BETTER AND BE MORE OPEN WITH EACH OTHER.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO YAPPING ABOUT?
OH, SORRY, RAT. THIS IS MELANIE. SHE AND HER HUSBAND NOW HAVE AN OPEN MARRIAGE.
WELL, WOW, HER MOOD SURE CHANGED FAST.

IF THE CHOICE WAS YOURS, HOW WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO DIE?
I DON'T KNOW... I GUESS RIGHT HERE DRAWING AT MY DRAWING TABLE.
BY NATURAL CAUSES.
FELT PRETTY NATURAL TO ME.

HOW'S IT
GOING, SIR?
NOT GOOD, L'IL GUARD DUCK.
I'M HAVING FRIENDS OVER FOR
LUNCH AND I CAN'T GET THE
MAYONNAISE LID LOOSE.
BLAM!!
IT'S
LOOSE
NOW,
SIR.
WELL, NOW, THAT'S
A HANDY-DANDY
KITCHEN DEVICE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO GO AROUND IN A BABY WALKER?
YUP. I JUST ROLL AROUND AND DRINK BEER. MY GOAL IS TO NEVER HAVE TO GET UP TO DO ANYTHING AGAIN.
WELL, YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE TO GET UP TO DO SOME THINGS.
I GOT WHAT YOU ASKED ME TO GET, RAT.
I'M GOING NOW.
NO, NO. I'M GOING NOW.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
SHOPPING. HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT LETS HIM SIT WHEREVER HE WANTS YET ALWAYS HAVE A BEER HANDY.
SQUEAK SQUEAK
SQUEAK SQUEAK
GOTTA LOVE THE BABY STORE.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH...WHAT DO I WANT...HMMMM...
MAYBE A CHEESEBURGER...NO...NO...JUST PLAIN...NO NO...CHEESE.
FOR HERE OR TO GO?...HMMM...
DUDE...YOU HAD THAT ENTIRE GOSHDARN LINE TO DECIDE ALL OF THIS AND YOU WAIT 'TIL NOW TO DECIDE?
OUT OF MY FACE, PAL.
MAKE HIS TO GO.

Dear Girls,
I am not smart. I’m fat. I’m poor. And I’m ugly.
Come and get me!
YOUR SINGLES AD LEAVES SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED.

I GOT TWO HUNDRED COMPLAINTS ABOUT THIS FEBRUARY 8TH STRIP WHERE YOU SAY YOU'RE TRY TO RUN OVER PEOPLE LIKE JEFF, THE ANNOYING CYCLIST
BUT I'M JUST A CARTOON CHARACTER.
THAT'S NOT HOW THESE PEOPLE VIEW IT. THEY SAY YOU'RE AN 'ADVOCATE'... THAT YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO AFFECT PEOPLES' BEHAVIOR.
BREAK STEPHAN'S FINGERS!! BREAK STEPHAN'S FINGERS!!
HAVING FUN?
WHAT'S TAKING THESE PEOPLE SO LONG?

SOMETIMES I WONDER IF I HAVE FAITH IN ANYTHING. BUT I'M NOT SURE I KNOW WHAT FAITH IS.
IT'S BELIEVING IN SOMETHING.. TRUSTING AND RELYING ON IT WITHOUT QUESTION. IS THERE SOMETHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT MEETS THAT STANDARD?
CHEESE.
MAYBE I DIDN'T DEFINE THAT WELL.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME. I NEED TO BUILD A CHURCH.

THE CARTOONISTS' WAR
RAT! RAT! STEPHAN'S BEEN FREED! THE EAST COASTERS HAVE GIVEN UP!
REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?
STEPHAN USED HIS SKIIS TO MAKE THEM SURRENDER.
SKIIS? WHAT SKIIS?
AND THEN THE GUY SAYS, 'DUNK RYE FOR ME, ARCH AND TINA! IT'S A PUN! GET IT?'
STOP! STOP! WE GIVE UP!
AUGHHHHHH!

Okay, Shortfawn, your pals don't want to pay your RANSOMmee. So this is here's Beetle Bailey. He's gonna SHOOT you.
Shoot me? Does he know HOW?
What do you mean, "DOES he know HOW?" HE'S a soldier.
But this country's been in five wars and countless military excursions since his creation in 1950, and I don't think he's been in one of them.
That is a little odd.
WE PREFER LIGHTHEARTED FAMILY FARE.
By the way, are you and Sarge 'Friends with BENEFITS?'