Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hulloooo, zeeba neighba. Leesten, Me theenking geeve my woooman heart for Valentine Day.
GOOD FOR YOU. CHOCOLATE OR CANDY?
Why you never cooperate?

HEY, GOLDFISH. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG. I'M STARTING TO THINK THIS IS IT...ME...TINY FISHBOWL... SWIM SWIM SWIM...
THE GOLDFISH IS ON TO US.

HEY, GOAT, DO YOU LIKE YOUR ORANGE JUICE WITH PULP OR WITHOUT PULP?
EITHER, I GUESS.
YOU DON'T HAVE A PREFERENCE?
WELL, I SUPPOSE IF I HAD TO CHOOSE, I'D SAY WITH.
YEAH. WHY?
NO REASON. I JUST THINK IT'S INTERESTING THAT--
KILL THE PULPIST!!!
MUST EVERY ISSUE IN THIS COUNTRY BE DIVISIVE?
SOCIALIST!

THE CITY HOSPITAL IS CUTTING BACK ITS EMERGENCY ROOM STAFF AGAIN… AS THOUGH THE WAIT NOW ISN’T LONG ENOUGH.

OH, I NEVER WAIT.
WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE AFTER I TELL THEM MY INJURY, I ALWAYS ADD THAT I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK.
HOW NOBLE.
WHY JUST LAST WEEK, I HAD A HANGNAIL AND A HEART ATTACK.

RAT SAID YOU MADE A NEW FRIEND, BUT THAT HE'S ALWAYS SAD.
HE'S NOT SAD.
RAT SAID YOU CALLED HIM MELANCHOY.
I DID.
YOU MAKE US ALL SAD.

OKAY, GUYS, BEFORE WE LEAP TO OUR ETERNAL DEATH FROM ATOP THIS MOUNTAIN, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS THEY'D LIKE TO SAY?
I HOOKED UP WITH YOUR W-I-I-I-I-I-I-FE
I SUPPOSE IT'S TOO LATE TO PUNCH HIM IN THE NOSE.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW MUCH LINT YOU GET FROM THE LINT SCREEN IN THE DRYER?
SURE. WHY?
BECAUSE THAT'S YOUR CLOTHING STOLEN PIECE-BY-PIECE BY YOUR DRYER.
SO?
SO WE'RE STEALING IT BACK.
LINT. IT'S ALL THE RAGE.
CHECK PLEASE.

WELL, GUYS, THIS IS IT... TIME TO JUMP OFF THIS MOUNTAIN AND END OUR MISERABLE LIVES FOREVER... WHAT’S THE VIEW LIKE FROM UP THERE?
TO DIE FOR.
LET’S KEEP THINGS SERIOUS, BOB.

LOOK, RAT. IT'S SOME CUTE 'LIL' SCOUT GIRLS SELLING 'LIL' SCOUT' COOKIES. I'LL TAKE A BOX!
THANK YOU, MISTER..
UH...I'M SORRY. BUT I DON'T THINK I GOT ANY COOKIES.
THAT'S RIGHT, FATTY. AND IF YOU SAY A WORD ABOUT IT, WE'LL MAKE SURE YOU NEVER SPEAK AGAIN.
THAT'S DISILLUSIONING.
STILL TALKING SMACK, TUBBY?

LARRY, I NEED YOU TO TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE.
No can do. Larry dead.
YOU’RE NOT DEAD, LARRY.
Me got angel wings.
YOU MADE THOSE OUT OF PAPER.
Where me get dis?
THE HARP STORE. LARRY, NOW KNOCK IT OFF. YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PROOF YOU EVER WENT TO THE AFTERLIFE.
My Husbann went to afterlie and all me got was dis lousy t-shirt
HOW ‘BOUT I SEND YOU BACK FOR SOMETHING NICER?
Whoa. Suddenly fee like taking out garbage.

I HAVE NOT GONE TO CHURCH IN A LONG TIME.
OH, YEAH? WHY IS THAT?
I'M PERFECT NOW.
OF COURSE.
SURE HAS FREED UP TIME TO GET DRUNK WATCHING FOOTBALL.

Try the one at the County Fairgrounds. They have cows and games and cotton candy.
WHY'D YOU WRITE THAT, PIG?
I'M ANSWERING THIS WOMAN'S PERSONAL AD.
MARRIED WOMAN SEEKS AFFAIR
SHE MAY NOT FIND THAT HELPFUL.

DAD, YOU NEVER TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WALKER DOLPHINS.
Me keel dem.
REALLY? ALL BY YOURSELF?
HAHAHA. OF COURSE, SON. WHO ELSE EEN NEIGHBAHOOD CAPABLE OF KEELING VICIOUS DOLFEEN?
Well, that was a refreshing breakfast.

HEY, GOAT... THANKS FOR INVITING ME AND NEIGHBOR BOB TO THE MOVIES ON FRIDAY. I KNOW I WANT TO GO, BUT BOB IS STILL ON THE FENCE.
WHY CAN'T HE DECIDE?
WHO SAID I CAN'T DECIDE? :)
YOU JUMP TO A LOT OF CONCLUSIONS.

DAD, ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE STANDING OUT THERE FOR WHAT THEY THINK IS YOUR MEMORIAL DINNER. I THINK YOU SHOULD GO OUT THERE AND SAY SOMETHING TO THEM.
Hi. Me dead. Give me back food or me haunt you forever.
Me hate freeloaders.

DAD! DAD! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!!
Me not dead, son... Does mom tink me dead, too?
OF COURSE. WHY?
'Cause den me going Las Vegas.
NOT SMART, DAD.
Now remember, if wife ask, me still dead.

GOOD MORNING, PIG... WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
I REALLY LOVE FOLK MUSIC, SO I'M DEBATING WHETHER TO JOIN N.E.F.F.A.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE NEW ENGLAND FOLK FESTIVAL ASSOCIATION.
WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE I REALLY BELIEVE IN WOMEN'S RIGHTS, SO I'D ALSO LIKE TO JOIN N.O.W.- THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR WOMEN.
SO WHY NOT JOIN BOTH?
BECAUSE I CAN'T AFFORD THE DUES FOR BOTH.
SO IT'S ONE OR THE OTHER?
IT'S N.O.W. OR N.E.F.F.A.
ARE THERE REFUNDS FOR COMIC STRIPS?
NOPE.

I dont believe it, Mom. Dad can't be gone. Those dolphins couldn't have eaten him.
PLEASE, SON. THE MEMORIAL'S STARTING. YOU NEED TO GET YOUR JACKET.
Here you go, son.
THANKS.

I THINK MY NEIGHBOR LARRY DIED... ALL THE OTHER CROCS ARE GOING OVER TO HIS HOUSE.
I GUESS THEY'RE PAYING THEIR RESPECTS.
OR MAYBE NOT.
HEY... ME GET DEAD GUY'S T.V.

RAT! RAT! I WON A TROPHY IN MY PING PONG LEAGUE!!
FOR WHAT? WINNING THE WHOLE LEAGUE?
"BEST PARTICIPATION BY SOMEONE IN OUR LEAGUE WHO CAN BREATHE AND HAS PARTICIPATED."
AND THEY SAY WINNING AWARDS DOESN'T MEAN WHAT IT USED TO.
OH, I DIDN'T WIN. I WAS SEVENTH RUNNER-UP.

ECONOMICS SURE IS A TOUGH TOPIC TO TEACH YOURSELF. RIGHT NOW I'M TRYING TO LEARN ABOUT GROSS PROFITS.
WHAT'S THERE TO KNOW?
THANKS FOR THE HELP.
THEY'RE TWO OF THE GROSSEST.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT MY LIL' GUARD DUCK IS STARTING A NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH PROGRAM. HE WANTS TO KEEP AN EYE ON THE COMMUNITY.
THAT'S GREAT. BUT HOW INTRUSIVE IS HE GONNA BE?
THAT'S FAIRLY INTRUSIVE.

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
OKAY, I GUESS. I'M HAVING SOME DOCTORS MEET ME HERE ABOUT GETTING THIS MOLE REMOVED.
HEY! WHAT THE @#$% ARE YOU DOING?!?
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. THANKS FOR MEETING ME.
SURE, PIG. WHADDYA NEED? I’VE GOT A MEETING FOR WORK I HAVE TO GET TO.
WELL, LISTEN, I KNOW YOU HAVE TROUBLE MEETING WOMEN, SO I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU TO THE NICE LADY SITTING NEXT TO ME. SHE’S SINGLE.
DUNNO, PIG. I HAVEN’T BEEN WITH A FEMALE SINCE I HAD A GIRLFRIEND IN FIFTH GRADE.
SO?
SO I DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT AROUND THEM. IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME.
AWW. WHAT’S THERE TO KNOW, BOB. THIS IS MY NEIGHBOR..GINA.
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU…
EWWWW! GIRL COOTIES! GIRL COOTIES!
I’LL BE LEAVING NOW…
BOB, GIRLS DON’T HAVE…
SMACK SMACK
TAG! NOW YOU’VE GOT GIRL COOTIES!

HEY, GOAT, I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A SUPERHERO. MY SUPERPOWER WILL BE A WHIP THAT CAN DO ANYTHING... EVEN PERFORM MIRACLES!
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. WHERE YOU GONNA FIND A WHIP LIKE THAT?
YOU KNOW, "MIRACLE WHIP" DOESN'T ACTUALLY CONTAIN A MIRACLE WHIP.
NUTS. MORE WHITE GOO.