Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU KNOW, STEPH, I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T THINK ANY OF US ASKED YOU TO JOIN OUR BASKETBALL TEAM. WOULD YOU LIKE TO?
SURE, PIG. I PLAYED A LOT OF BASKETBALL IN THE EARLY '80s. MATTER OF FACT, I PROBABLY STILL HAVE MY OLD BASKETBALL SHORTS.
SHORTS ARE A LITTLE LONGER NOW, STEPH.
THE HORROR! THE HORROR!

PARDON ME, BUT ALL THE TABLES IN THIS CAFE ARE FULL. MIND IF I SHARE YOURS?
SURE. GO AHEAD.
VRRRRRRRRR
VRRRRRR
CLANG
CURRENTLY IN ANTISOCIAL GLOBE O'GOODNESS
YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID NO.
SORRY. CAN'T HEAR SQUAT.

I HATE HOW IN THIS P.C. AGE, WE ALL HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO EXPRESS OUR TRUE OPINIONS.
THAT'S NOT TRUE. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO EXPRESS YOUR OPINION.
MEN WHO WEAR SWEATER VESTS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BREED.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
THEIR KIND WILL NOT BE MISSED.

HEY, PIG... WHERE'S
PAT? I THOUGHT
HE WAS GONNA
WATCH THE GAME
WITH US.
HE FORGOT
TO PLACE A
BET WITH
HIS BOOKIE.
HE'S GOING TO
PLACE A BET
NOW? ISN'T IT
A BIT LATE?
HE SAYS HE
CAN STILL
REACH HIM.
TWO G'S ON PHILLY.

HEY, GOAT. I NEED CASH FAST... I’VE FALLEN BEHIND ON MY DEBT TO A BOOKIE.
OH, GOODNESS. IS HE THREATENING TO HURT YOU?
I WILL STAB YOU WITH MY DIAPER’S SAFETY PIN.
IT’S A LONG STORY.

MY BOOKIE'S COMING OVER. WANT TO PLACE ANY BETS?
I THOUGHT YOUR BOOKIE GOT ARRESTED.
HE DID. I GOT A NEW ONE...HE'S THE JOHNSON'S KID.
ISN'T HE A LITTLE YOUNG?
YOU TAKING PHILLY AND THE POINTS?
A LITTLE.
OH, ***, I THINK I MADE A POO-POO.

ALRIGHT, LISTEN, YOU AND I MIGHT BE STUCK ON THIS ISLAND, BUT NOT FOR LONG BECAUSE I HAVE AN iPHONE AND I CAN CAL-- HEY! WHY IS MY BATTERY AT ZERO?
Me was checking Facebook.
Me sort of addicted.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
Wife kick me out of house. Me start swimming. Me get lost.
AND YOU SOMEHOW END UP 3000 MILES AWAY ON THE SAME TINY ISLAND I HAPPEN TO BE STANDING ON? I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHAT KIND OF IDIOT WOULD THINK THAT EVEN MAKES SENSE
THAT HURTS.

ME AND MY BUDDY HERB TOOK FISHING LESSONS FROM FISHERMAN RICK TODAY.
OH, YEAH? THAT FISHERMAN RICK SURE IS A NICE GUY. YEAH, BUT THEN HERB STARTED EATING THE ANCHOVIES WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BAIT OUR HOOKS WITH.
OH, NO.
YEAH, SO WE EXCHANGED A FEW WORDS WITH FISHERMAN RICK AND HE KICKED US RIGHT OUT.
REALLY? THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE RICK TO ME. TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID AND WHAT YOU SAID WHEN HE TOLD YOU TO BAIT YOUR HOOKS.
SIR. BAIT 'EM.
HERB ATE 'EM.
VERBATIM?
CUR.
HATE 'EM.

I LOVE READING THIS 'MISS MANNERS' COLUMN. SO FEW PEOPLE HAVE GOOD MANNERS.
HOW DO YOU DEFINE MANNERS?
MANNERS ARE THE THINGS WE USE TO HIDE OUR REAL INTENTIONS.
NO.
SEE, RIGHT NOW I WANT TO CRUSH GOAT, BUT I'LL BE POLITE AND JUST HIT HIM LIGHTLY.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I PAID FOR A FOUR-STAR ISLAND RESORT AND I GET THIS PLACE. WHAT MORE CAN GO WRONG?
NEVER ASK THAT QUESTION.

ZEBRA'S BAD VACATION
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, ZEBRA.. HOW DID YOU END UP ON THIS ISLAND?
THE RESORT PEOPLE DROPPED ME OFF HERE.
THE RESORT PEOPLE ABANDONED YOU ON A TINY DESERTED ISLAND IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE WITHOUT FOOD OR WATER AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING?
I HATE TO COMPLAIN..
HE IS SO POLITE.

DID YOU HEAR THAT ZEBRA WENT ON VACATION?
WHERE TO?
THE CARIBBEAN… HE WANTED AN ISLAND RESORT WITH A NICE VIEW AND A REMOTE LOCATION.
HOW REMOTE?
I EXPECTED MORE.

OKAY, BOYS, I'VE LINED UP A GAME AGAINST AN OPPONENT THAT I THINK IS BEATABLE.
WHY ARE THEY BEATABLE?
BECAUSE AT HALFTIME WE HAVE TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF.
THAT SHOULD HELP.
IT'S WHY YOU DON'T SEE A LOT OF LEMMINGS IN THE N.B.A.

HEY THERE, PIG... HOW'S THE BASKETBALL TEAM?
GOOD... MY LARGE BUTT HAS BEEN A BIG ADVANTAGE.
HOW CAN A LARGE--
DUNK
NEVER MIND.
AND THAT'S JUST BOUNCING OFF ONE CHEEK.

Hullooo zeeba neighba... Leesten. Crocs now has zip line into you house.
HOW'D YOU LEARN ABOUT ZIP LINES?
None of you bisness. Point is you safe.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
Oh? You no beleeve?
HEY, LARRY! YOU READY GRAB ZIP LINE, SHOW ZEEBA NEIGHBA WHUH EEDIOT HE EES!?
ME READY!
AUUUGHhhha
Whoa. Zip line got lot of zip.

THE MONOPOLY TOKENS DECIDE WHO GETS ELIMINATED
WELL, NOW THAT THE IRON IS GONE, I SUPPOSE IT'S TIME TO START PLANNING THE WELCOME PARTY FOR THE NEWEST TOKEN.
A CAT?
HOW WONDERFUL. WHAT'S THE NEW TOKEN?
I WILL CHEW SOMEONE'S LEG OFF FOR THIS.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD LEAVE SCOTTIE OFF THE WELCOMING COMMITTEE.

ALRIGHT. LET'S START WITH THE TOKENS WE KNOW ARE UNIVERSALLY LOVED. ME, THE SHIP, THE DOG.
WHOA. WHO SAYS THE DOG IS LOVED?
PLEASE. HE'S SO POPULAR WITH FANS THEY GAVE HIM A NICKNAME "SCOTTIE."
BIG DEAL. I HAVE A NICKNAME.
WHAT?
STUD BOY.
NO ONE CALLS YOU "STUD BOY."
SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE POOP MACHINE.
DO METAL DOGS POOP?

THE MAKERS OF "MONOPOLY" HAVE ANNOUNCED THEY'RE GETTING RID OF ONE OF THE TOKENS.
WHICH ONE?
THE IRON.
WHY'D THEY PICK THE IRON?
BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES IRONING.
OH. AND THIMBLES ARE GOSH-DARN FUN...!!
PLEASE, IRON. GO OUT WITH CLASS.

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE RICH?
I GUESS IT'S WHEN YOU OWN ALL THE IMPORTANT STUFF.
LIKE WHAT?
CAR, SHIP, TOP HAT, DOG, WHEELBARROW, IRON, SHOE, AND THIMBLE.
YOU JUST LISTED ALL THE 'MONOPOLY' TOKENS.
IT'S ALL I KNOW ABOUT RICH PEOPLE.

WHERE WERE YOU?
TALKING TO CORMOR GOLDFISH. HE'S BORED OF ALWAYS SWIMMING AROUND IN CIRCLES, SO I TOLD HIM TO TAKE UP A NICE HOBBY.
THWACK
I THINK I'D DISCOURAGE AXE-THROWING.

HEY, PIG. WHERE YOU GOING?
I HAVE TO LEAVE. MY GRANDMOTHER PASSED.
OH, NO.
HER DRIVING TEST!
YOU MIGHT WANT TO BREAK THAT NEWS DIFFERENTLY.
MOM? DAD? ARE YOU SITTING DOWN? GRANDMA PASSED.

HEY, JEF THE CYCLIST!

NUTRITION, PIG. TREATING THE BODY AS THE TEMPLE THAT IT IS.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN?

LOW FAT. HIGH CARB. AND NOT JUST ANY CARBS. YOU WANT FRUITS, VEGETABLES, BEANS, RICE. WHOLE GRAIN BREADS.

WHAT ABOUT PROTEIN?

LEAN PROTEIN ONLY. LIKE FISH, AND DARK-MEAT CHICKEN. HALF A GRAM PER POUND OF BODY WEIGHT EVERY DAY.

WOW. YOU GUYS REALLY TREAT THE BODY AS A TEMPLE.

WE SURE DO, PIG--HEY, LOOK OVER THERE !

WHAT AM I LOOKING AT?

SORRY, THOUGHT I SAW A BOWL OF GRANOLA.

GOAT SAID YOU THOUGHT JEJIO JUGSIED BECAUSE IT WAS POSSESSED BY A GHOST.
YEAH. PRETTY STUPID OF ME, HUH?
YEAH, WELL, HERE'S WHAT'S NOT STUPID. WHENEVER I RUB A BALLOON AGAINST THE FUR ON MY HEAD, THIS INSANE GHOST APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE AND PINS IT TO MY HEAD.
AHHHHHHHH
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL HIM ABOUT STATIC ELECTRICITY?
PIPE DOWN, SCIENCE NERD.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
A JELLO MOLD. BUT LOOK... EVERY TIME I SET IT DOWN, IT SHAKES LIKE CRAZY.
THAT'S NOT UNUSUAL. JELLO JUST JIGGLES.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR CALLING 'GHOST HUNTERS'.