Pearls Before Swine | Search

Whuh we gonna do, Burt? Me keep geeting shot by bloowdart assaseen. Buttocks een great pain.
We is pray to God of crocs. He save us.
Hullo, God of Crocs. Dis Bob and Burt… Someone shoot us. Peese make stop now.
Dis why me atheist, Burt.

Whuh you doing, Bob?
Neighborhood no safe. Someone hunting crocs wid blow dart.
No one hurt us. We fierce. We top of food chain.
Gud point, Burt. Stand up. Yell someting.
NAILED THE LOUD ONE.
AHHHHHH! ME GOT BOO BOO! ME GOT BOO BOO!

HEY, SON. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
GOOD. I KNOW YOU WANTED ME TO EASE UP ON THE VIDEO GAMES, SO I WENT OUTSIDE AND PLAYED WITH MY BLOW-DART GUN INSTEAD.
BLOW-DART GUN? IS THAT SAFE?
SURE. I DON'T AIM IT AT ANYBODY. I JUST TRY TO SHOOT IT OVER YOUR HEDGE.
THE HEDGE BEHIND THE HOUSE?
YEAH. WHY?
PULL TEENG OUT OF BUTT, MELVIN!
ME NO COMFORTABLE DOING DAT, BOB.

GOSH, SON, I FEEL LIKE WE HAVE SO MUCH TIME TO MAKE UP FOR...WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO, PLAY BASEBALL, GO TO THE MOVIES, TRAVEL?
PLAY VIDEO GAMES.
WELL, THAT'S GREAT...AND WHAT ABOUT AFTER?
PLAY MORE VIDEO GAMES.
WELL, MAYBE IN YOUR TWENTIES WE CAN SPEND TIME TOGETHER.
I LOVE YOU, DAD, BUT LET'S TALK LESS.

CAN I HELP YOU?
HI, ZEBRA, I'M VIRGINIA, THE VERTICALLY STRIPED ZEBRA. WE DATED FIVE YEARS AGO.
VIRGINIA! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
NOT GREAT. I'LL GET RIGHT TO THE POINT. WE HAVE A SON.
A SON? US? HOW DO YOU KNOW? I MEAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW HE'S MINE?
BECAUSE YOU'RE HORIZONTALLY STRIPED, AND I'M VERTICALLY STRIPED.
SO?
SO MEET OUR SON.
'PLAID'.
OH, GAHH.
TELL HIM HOW HARD ITS BEEN, PLAID.
ACTUALLY, RIGHT NOW I'M IN STYLE.

OKAY, IF WE CAN'T STARVE OUT YOUR STUPID COUCH DUCK, WE CAN AT LEAST CLOSE HIS BANK ACCOUNTS. THAT WAY HE WON'T HAVE ANY CASH FOR NEW WEAPONS.
THERES SEVENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS IN LOOSE CHANGE DOWN HERE.
WE REALLY SHOULDA BEEN CHECKING UNDER THE CUSHIONS.

IF YOUR COUCH DUCK IS GONNA TERRORIZE US BY HIDING IN THE CUSHIONS, WE NEED TO START STARVING HIM OUT.
THERE'S ENOUGH FOOD IN HERE TO LAST THIRTY YEARS.
WE SHOULD VACUUM UNDER THE CUSHIONS NOW AND THEN.

GUARD DUCK HAS A NEW MISSION. HE'S GONNA SNEAK UP ON NEGATIVE PEOPLE AND BITE THEIR BUTTOCKS.
SOUNDS LAME.
LET'S TRY TO REMAIN POSITIVE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
IT'S A LETTER SOME READER WROTE TO A NEWSPAPER ABOUT MY USE OF THE WORD "ALRIGHT"... THE CORRECT TERM IS 'ALL RIGHT,' AND HE NEVER WANTS TO SEE IT WRITTEN AS 'ALRIGHT' IN THE STRIP AGAIN...
AND THIS GUY TOOK THE TIME TO WRITE AN ACTUAL LETTER TO THE NEWSPAPER SAYING THAT?
YEP.
IS THE POOR GUY ALRIGHT?
HEY, DON'T CRITICIZE HIM, ALRIGHT?
ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

DO YOU THINK THERE'S AN ELEMENT OF FRAUD IN MANY PROTESTS? THAT SOME PEOPLE RAIL AGAINST THE VERY THING THEY EXEMPLIFY?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE.
FIGHT LAZINESS
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
EXERCISE, PEOPLE!

Hey, Jeff the cyclist. How are things?
Intense. I have to put in long hours training for my next race. My wife and kids don't seem to understand.
I didn't know you had a wife and kids. What are their names?
You should spend more time with your family, Jeff.
Wait... I think one of them is a Betty.

So she went to a bar.
"Hello," she said to the hippo sitting on the bar stool next to her, "I am Elly Elephant."
"My interests are 19th century romantic poetry, South American birds and the work of historian Robert Caro."
"I came here tonight in the hopes of meeting someone with similar sensibilities."
"Oh, silly me," said Elly. "All I've done is go on oafishly about myself. I'm sure you have much more erudite things to say."
"Nice rear."
Elly Elephant beat the erudite hippo with her own book.
YOU KNOW, MOST ROMANCE NOVELS HAVE HAPPY ENDINGS.
YEAH... I'M MAKING UP FOR THAT.
HER REAR IS RATHER ATTRACTIVE.

HEY THERE, GOAT. DID YOU ENJOY OUR BARBECUE YESTERDAY?
SURE DID. THANKS FOR INVITING ME.
YOU'RE WELCOME. AND HERE'S YOUR BILL.
BILL? YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY FOR A PARTY YOU INVITED ME TO?
NO. AND THAT'S WHY I'VE BROUGHT MY LAWYER.
PREPARE TO LOSE EVERYTHING.
I GIVE UP.

HEY, PIG... I HEAR YOU'RE HAVING A BACKYARD BARBECUE... HOPE YOU
DIDN'T INVITE A BUNCH OF LAZY FREELOADERS
I DON'T LIKE.
NO, NO...I JUST INVITED GOAT AND ZEBRA.
WHO ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?
WE NEED TO START LOCKING THE
GATE.

I'VE SURE ENJOYED OUR DATE TONIGHT, PIGITA. BUT I WISH WE COULD DO SOMETHING THAT WAS EVEN MORE INTIMATE.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
GROOMING FOR FLEAS. JUST LIKE MONKEYS.
SHE'S SO HARD TO READ.

HEY, IF IT ISN'T MY GOOD FRIEND, JEFF THE CYCLIST! HOW ARE YOU, JEFF?
BETTER THAN YOU. AND THAT IS WHY I SHOW MY SUPERIORITY BY RIDING MY BIKE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR CAR, INSTEAD OF IN THE BIKE LANE.
GOSH, JEFF. I WISH YOU WOULDN'T DO THAT BECAUSE--
EAT MY SPANDEX GREATNESS, FATTY McFAT FAT!!
AND THAT'S WHY I TRY TO RUN THEM OVER.
JEFF, YOU'RE ON MY BREAKFAST!
I STAMP OUT YOUR FATTENING FOOD AS A FAVOR TO YOU!!

DO YOU EVER THINK THAT AS A SOCIETY WE'VE GROWN SOFT? THAT RATHER THAN RELY ON OUR GOD-GIVEN ABILITIES, WE NOW JUST RELY ON SOMEONE OR SOMETHING ELSE TO GIVE US A BOOST?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE. I THINK--
SPARE A BUCK FOR TWO TIRED ROADRUNNERS?
THAT'S DISTURBING.
MONEY, PLEASE.

HEY, RAT, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I HAVE A COUPLE FRIENDS COMING OVER. THEY'RE ROADRUNNERS.
ROADRUNNERS ARE GREAT, DUDE. THEY'RE RIDICULOUSLY FAST. I'D LOVE TO JUST WATCH HOW THEY MOVE.
THAT'S DISAPPOINTING.

ALL I DO IS WORRY.
ABOUT WHAT?
THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED.
THINGS THAT HAVEN'T HAPPENED.
THINGS THAT MIGHT HAPPEN.
WHAT GOOD DOES THAT DO?
BECAUSE IF I DON'T WORRY, LIFE'S BAD STUFF WILL SNEAK UP ON ME. WORRYING IS MY WAY OF SAYING @*#!% YOU, LIFE. YOU WON'T SURPRISE ME.
BUT YOU DO BELIEVE LIFE IS BAD ANYWAY.
SO WHY WORRY?
MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
YEAH. SO CLOSE YOUR EYES AND RELAX.
RELAX.
I'VE BEEN WAITING TEN YEARS TO DO THAT.
NEVER STOP WORRYING.

HI, BOYS AND GIRLS. TODAY WE'RE GONNA LEARN ABOUT REVOLUTION. LIKE THE ONE JIHAD JERRY JUST PULLED OFF IN MR. RAT'S NEIGHBORHOOD.
AS YOU MAY NOTICE, I'M NOW DRESSED A LITTLE DIFFERENT. BUT DON'T WORRY, BOYS AND GIRLS. OTHER THAN THAT, EVERYTHING ELSE IN MR. RAT'S NEIGHBORHOOD WILL BE JUST LIKE IT ALWAYS WAS. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MR. TROWLEY?
DING! DING!
HEY, TROWLEY. SELL THIS OIL TO MR. MCFEELEY AT EXORBITANT PRICES.
Bad news. Meester McFeeley teken hostage by rival sect.

HI, BOYS AND GIRLS. THIS IS KING FRIDAY AND QUEEN SARA. KING FRIDAY IS USUALLY A HAPPY KING. BUT TODAY HE IS SAD. WHY? BECAUSE THE ARAB SPRING HAS THREATENED DESPOTIC MONARCHIES EVERYWHERE.
OH, NO, KING FRIDAY... IT'S JIHAD JERRY.
POP
POP
POP
OH, WELL... TRY TO HAVE A DEMOCRATIC FORM OF GOVERNMENT, JERRY.
YOU... PUT ON BURKA.

HI, BOYS AND GIRLS. I THINK IT'S TIME FOR SOME MAKE-BELIEVE... OH, TROUSY... COME TAKE US TO THE LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE...
DING DING
DING DING
THIS IS HOW I GO TO THE LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE, BOYS AND GIRLS.
CUT

HI, BOYS AND GIRLS. TODAY WE'RE GOING TO VISIT SOMEONE AT THEIR JOB. A JOB IS HOW YOU MAKE MONEY.
BUT SADLY, BOYS AND GIRLS, THIS PERSON IS BAD AT THEIR JOB. THIS PROVES YOU CAN SOMETIMES HAVE A JOB EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE @$#% YOU ARE DOING.
I DON'T THINK MR. ROGERS EVER SAID @$#%.
SEE, BOYS AND GIRLS--HE GOT PAID FOR THAT.

Okay, larry, fraternity decide let you back in, provided dere no more surprises from you drunken night.
Dere not. Me promiss. And juss be safe, me delete face-book account, tweeter account--
Tweeter account? We no check you Tweeter...Please no tell me you is post--
ME NO POST NUTTING! ME NO POST--
larryZZEcroc
Me totally want kiss zeeba on mouf.
Dis leetle bit of probbum, larry.
Account hacked. Me know nutting.

STORY UPDATE:
Larry's wife, Patty, has learned of the Badonkadonk Rub Heard Round The World
YOU STUPID IDIOT, LARRY! HOW COULD YOU POST A PHOTO ON FACEBOOK OF YOU RUBBING BUTTS WITH A ZEBRA?! THINGS ON THE INTERNET LIVE FOREVER!
IT NO LEAVE FOREVER! LARRY HAS PLAN!!
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? GO DOOR-TO-DOOR TO SIX BILLION STRANGERS ON THE PLANET AND POLITELY ASK THEM TO DELETE IT FROM THEIR COMPUTERS??
Hullo. Me larry. Me have favor to ask.