Pearls Before Swine | Search

Well now, there's a constellation you don't see every day.

HEY, PIG. WHAT's WRONG?
OH, ZEBRA... I'VE BEEN HEARING VOICES.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WELL, LOOK... IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. MAYBE GET YOU HELP... A GOOD PSYCHOLOGIST.
HOW WILL THAT MAKE THE COUPLE NEXT DOOR STOP FIGHTING?
THOSE ARE YOUR VOICES?
HEY... WHAT CAN HE DO ABOUT THEIR BARKING DOG?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
A BUCKET LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I’D LIKE TO DO BEFORE I DIE.
1) STAND ON IT.
2) PUT IT ON HEAD.
3) ROLL IT DOWN STREET.
YOU KNOW, THINGS ON YOUR BUCKET LIST DON’T HAVE TO INVOLVE BUCKETS.
WHOA. NOW THAT BROADENS THINGS.

YOU HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH A LOT IN LIFE, RIGHT?
SURE.
WHY?
BECAUSE I JUST FIGURED OUT THAT WITH YOU BEING 43 YEARS OLD AND THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR A MAN BEING 76 YEARS OLD, YOUR LIFE IS AT LEAST 56 PERCENT OVER.
SO?
SO IF YOUR LIFE IS A FOOTBALL GAME, YOU'RE WELL INTO THE THIRD QUARTER AND DOWN 20 POINTS.
ARE YOU DONE?
THROW A HAIL MARY, STEPH!!
LEMME GUESS. YOU'RE BANKING ON A MIRACULOUS FOURTH QUARTER COMEBACK.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING, STEPH?
A NEW GERMAN BEER. IT'S GREAT.
GERMAN? HA! I DRINK AN ALL-AMERICAN BEER WITH ITS RED, WHITE AND BLUE LABEL AND ITS ALL-AMERICAN ADS FILLED WITH AMERICAN FLAGS AND AMERICAN BARBECUES AND AMERICAN BASEBALL...
THAT BEER YOU'RE HOLDING IS NOW OWNED BY A EUROPEAN COMPANY.
I KNEW THAT.

WHERE WERE YOU GUYS?
SEEING THAT NEW 4D MOVIE.
4D? THE FOURTH DIMENSION IS TIME.
YEAH. THE MOVIE ENDS BEFORE IT STARTS.
NEVER MIND.
STRANGE THINGS HAPPEN IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION.
LOOK! MY POPCORN'S STILL WARM.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE. IT'S A CLASSIC CHRISTMAS MOVIE.
IS THAT THE ONE WHERE THEY SAY, "EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS, A PIG GETS BEATEN."?
THAT'S NOT THE SAYING.
PLEASE DON'T RUIN THE FUN.
WHY IS THAT A CLASSIC?

T-SHIRT SHOP
I'M
WITH
STUPID
I'M
WITH
STUPID
I'M
WITH
STUPID
I'M
WITH
STUPID

HEY, YOU'RE "PIG" FROM THE COMIC STRIP "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE"... MIND SIGNING MY "PEARLS" BOOK?
SURE! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
STACY... WITH AN "E"!
GOTCHA!
TO STEYCI

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, DAD?
Crocs climb zeeba wall. Now dey juss need way get down into zeeba yard.
HOW ARE THEY GONNA DO IT?
Dey essperimenting.
So much for 'pusheeng Bob.'

IF THAT READER IN CLEVELAND IS GONNA INTERRUPT OUR STRIP BY NOT TURNING OFF HIS CELL PHONE WHILE HE READS THE NEWSPAPER, I'M GONNA RUIN HIS DAY RIGHT BACK!
HOW YOU GONNA DO THAT?
FOUR DOWN IS 'EVE'!!
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T GIVE AWAY THE CROSSWORD.
KEEP IT UP, PAL...THE SUDOKU'S NEXT!!

BEFORE TODAY'S PERFORMANCE OF "PEARLS," WE'D APPRECIATE IT IF ALL OF YOU READERS WOULD PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONES SO AS TO NOT INTERFERE WITH OTHER READERS' VIEWING ENJOYMENT. THANK YOU...
HEY, RAT, WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
A MONKEY IN PANTS STOLE MY --
IT'S THE GUY IN CLEVELAND AGAIN!!
USHER, PLEASE REMOVE THE CLEVELAND MAN.
HIM AGAIN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLANNING A PARTY AT MY HOUSE, BUT I NEED SOME GAMES WHERE PEOPLE CAN WIN PARTY BAGS. DO YOU KNOW ANY GOOD GAMES?
DO THE ONE WHERE YOU PUT PENNIES IN A JAR, AND SEE WHO CAN COME THE CLOSEST TO GUESSING HOW MANY ARE IN THERE.
OOH, GREAT IDEA.
THREE.
YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT THIS.

DO YOU EVER MEET A PERSON AND KNOW IMMEDIATELY YOU'RE NOT GONNA LIKE THEM?
OH, SURE.
YEAH...WHAT IS IT ABOUT CERTAIN PEOPLE THAT TELLS YOU THAT?
THEY'RE BREATHING.
MAYBE YOU'RE THE WRONG GUY TO ASK.
AND MOUTHS. THEY ALL SEEM TO HAVE MOUTHS.

HEY, PIG. DID YOU NEED
OH! THE TAPPING PIG! I-
I'M THE TAPPING PIG! I GO DOOR-TO-DOOR TAP DANCING FOR PEOPLE AND THEN KEEP TRACK OF WHETHER OR NOT THEY LIKED IT. SO FAR, EVERYONE'S LOVED IT!
LISTEN, PIG. I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO TALK TO YOU, BUT MY NEICE LARISA WAS EATEN BY LIONS LAST NIGHT. MY COUSIN DEAN WAS EATEN BY LIONS.
AND WHEN THEY WERE DONE, THEY ATE MY UNCLE STEVE. THEN HIS BROTHER PETE.
A WHOLE FAMILY WIPED OUT BY A GROUP OF HEARTLESS, INSATIABLE PREDATORS. WHERE DOES IT END... WHEN DOES THE MINDLESS VIOLENCE AND SUFFERING OF THIS WORLD END?!?!
tap tap
TAPPITY
TAP TAP
tappity
TAP TAP TAP
Not a fan.

WHERE IS PIG?
READING THE NEWS-
PAPER ON MY iPad.
HE WAS FASCINATED
THAT THE WHOLE
NEWSPAPER WAS ON
SUCH AN EASY-TO-READ
DEVICE.
NEW, HOW
WAS IT?
GREAT!
I READ THE
WHOLE
NEWSPAPER!
WHERE'S THE
iPad?
I USED IT
TO LINE MY
BIRD CAGE.
GUESS HE DOESN'T
LIKE BIRDS.

I GET SO TIRED OF UNMOTIVATED PEOPLE SOMETIMES. HOW CAN SOMEONE HAVE NO PASSION IN LIFE? NO RAISON D'ETRE?
OH, I'VE GOT SOME OF THAT.
THAT'S RAISIN BRAN.
IT'S A REASON FOR EXISTENCE.
NOT REALLY, BUT IT'S A PRETTY GOOD CEREAL.

YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS WHERE YOUR BRAIN JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO BE FUNCTIONING CORRECTLY?
BONK BONK BONK
WORKS WITH THE T.V.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BOB. HE'S A MECHANICAL ENGINEER. YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE HIM, THOUGH... HE THINKS HE'S MISSING SOMETHING.

CHARISMA?

MY KEYS.
MY MISTAKE.

WOMEN MUST SURE LOVE ALL THOSE PENCILS, BOB.

WHY DO ALL OF
THESE OBITUARIES
ALWAYS SAY THAT
SO-AND-SO "PASSED
AWAY PEACEFULLY"?
WHAT DO YOU
MEAN, 'WHY'?
BECAUSE THE
PERSON DIED
PEACEFULLY.
YEAH, WELL, WHEN I DIE, I'M GONNA
GO OUT PUNCHING NURSES AND DOCTORS.
JUST SO SOMEONE CAN FINALLY SAY,
"HE PASSED AWAY VIOLENTLY."
WHAT
A
GOAL.
BRING
IT ON,
DEATH!

HEY, DAD,
WHY'S YOUR
PAL BOB
IN THE
BATHROOM?
He changing clothes. Gonna dress like person from City Planning Department. Tell Zeeba he have to tear down bed wall around property.
DOES HE
REALLY
RESEMBLE
A PERSON?
Peese,
son.
No eensult
us.
Yeah.
No eensult
us.
Whoa.
Resemblance
uncanny.

THIS GUY'S COMPLAINING TO THE NEWSPAPER ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF SWEARING IN OUR COMIC STRIP.
WHAT DID WE SAY?
RAT CALLED SOMEONE A 'GRAWKING IDIOT'.
THAT'S NOT SWEARING.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
GRAWKING MEANS 'LOVABLE'. I JUST USE THE SQUIGGLES BECAUSE I'M TOO EMBARRASSED TO USE THE 'L WORD'.
SO YOU WERE JUST CALLING SOMEONE A 'LOVABLE IDIOT'?
OF COURSE. WHAT DID THE READER THINK 'GRAWKING' MEANT?
PSST PSST
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'LL BE WASHING OUT MY VIRGIN EARS AND WEEPING.
WANT TO HOLD MY GRAWKING TEDDY BEAR?

LOOK AT THOSE TWO PEOPLE TOGETHER. THEY'RE EACH SPENDING THE ENTIRE TIME E-MAILING AND TEXTING ON THEIR I-PHONES.
SO?
SO IT'S LIKE THEY'RE EACH SAYING TO THE OTHER, "I'M PHYSICALLY HERE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW, BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE BORING, SO I'D RATHER SPEND TIME WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO AREN'T HERE".... DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S WRONG?

THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS KNOWING YOUR LIMITATIONS AND ACCEPTING THEM.
I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT, RAT. IT'S A PRETTY MATURE OUTLOOK.
YEAH... LIKE YOU'RE A POMPOUS IDIOT, AND I ACCEPT THAT.
WHY DO I HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS?
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT SMART. PLEASE, KNOW YOUR LIMITATIONS.

YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ON THAT iPHONE. IT'S NOT HEALTHY.
BEEP BOOP BEEP
CRUSH
THE "MONTY PYTHON" APP.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?