Pearls Before Swine | Search

FROM THIS NEW
FORTIFIED BASE,
I SHALL SEEK
NOTHING SHORT
OF
WORLD
DOMINATION
TO BEND PEOPLE
TO MY WILL THROUGH
THE FORCE OF
MY
PERSONALITY
AND IF THAT
FAILS, THROUGH
THE USE OF
PHYSICAL
FORCE.
I WANT
PEOPLE
CHANTING
MY NAME!
I WANT PEOPLE
ATTESTING
TO MY
GREATNESS!
I WANT STATUES
OF ME IN
EVERY PARK!!
I WANT TO BE
WORSHIPED
BY THE
MASSES!!!
I'M REGRETTING
BUYING YOU
THAT CASTLE.
SO...HOW DO I
GET A WORKING
CANNON?

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BOOKS?
I BOUGHT 'EM... KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO READ THEM.
THERE'S ALWAYS A CATCH.

HEY, RAT. HOW COME YOU DIDN'T RESPOND TO MY FACEBOOK MESSAGE YESTERDAY?
I'M TRYING TO STAY AWAY FROM THE INTERNET LATELY. I WANT TO FREE UP SOME EXTRA TIME IN MY DAY.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW MUCH EXTRA TIME HAVE YOU FOUND YOU NOW HAVE?
EIGHTEEN HOURS.
IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

HEY, ARMANDO ARMADILLO. HOW GOES IT?
GREAT...I GOT MARRIED LAST WEEKEND.
WELL, CONGRATULATIONS! WHO'S THE LUCKY LADY?:)
LUPE. BUT SHE GOT RUN OVER BY A MINIVAN.
SO SHE WASN'T THAT LUCKY.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, PIG?
JUST SOME FRIED CHEESE STICKS. THEY'RE NOT GOOD FOR YOU, BUT I FIGURE IT'S OKAY SINCE I ONLY EAT THEM ONCE A WEEK.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER ONCE-A-WEEK FOODS?
JUST CHEESEBURGERS, HOT DOGS, FRIED CHICKEN, BACON, CORNDOGS, CHILI CHEESE FRIES, SAUSAGES, DOUGHNUTS, AND FRIED BUTTER ON A STICK.
MODERATION IS KEY.

HEY, RAT, DID YOU GET MY E-MAIL ABOUT THE CHANGE OF DATE FOR THAT MEETING?
YEAH, THE ONE YOU ALSO CONFIRMED WITH TWO VOICEMAILS, A TEXT, AND A FACEBOOK MESSAGE?
YES.
BINGE COMMUNICATING MUST BE STOPPED.

HI, CAN I HELP YOU?
HELLO. I'M AN ARMADILLO. I JUST MOVED IN NEXT DOOR.
NICE TO MEET YOU! I'LL HAVE TO BRING OVER A "WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD" FRUIT BASKET!
OH, NO NEED FOR THAT.
WHY NOT?
I'LL BE HIT BY A TRUCK SOON.
IT'S HARD TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH ROADKILL.

HEY, PIG. WHAT'S WITH YOU?
MY SISTER'S COMING OVER, AND SHE REALLY BUGS ME BECAUSE SHE JUST ASKS FOR THINGS.
TELL HER YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I'VE TRIED, BUT SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.
HERE, DRAW IT OUT FOR HER. SAY, 'LOOK, SIS... WE'RE LIKE PLANETS. EACH MOVING IN OUR OWN ELLIPSE.'
BUT SOMETIMES OUR ORBITS INTERSECT, AND DURING THAT TIME, YOU ALWAYS WANT THINGS.'
THAT'S GREAT. I'LL HAVE TO SHOW HER THAT.
HEY, BROTHER, CAN I BORROW A TACK? I'M TRYING TO PUT UP A POSTER.
I'M AFRAID NOT.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I GAVE YOU A TACK YESTERDAY, AND BESIDES, EVERY TIME YOU COME OVER, ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS BORROW STUFF.
SO READ MY ELLIPSE. NO NEW TACK, SIS!
YOU RUIN MY ENTIRE SUNDAY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. THIS ARTICLE SAYS THAT ELEVEN PERCENT OF AMERICANS BELIEVE ELVIS IS STILL ALIVE.
NO.
YES.
WHY SO FEW?
MAYBE YOU'RE THE WRONG PERSON TO DISCUSS THIS WITH.
YOU KNOW, JUST BECAUSE ALIENS PROBED HIM DOESN'T MEAN HE'S DEAD.

HEY THERE, PIG... WHY ARE YOU OVER HERE AT NEIGHBOR BOB'S HOUSE?
I'M HELPING HIM WATCH HIS ELDERLY MOM. SHE'S OFF HER ROCKER.
PIG, THAT'S NOT A VERY NICE WAY OF REFERRING TO SOMEONE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS.
MENTAL ILLNESS, MY BUTT. JUST GOT SORE.
CAN'T A WOMAN STRETCH HER LEGS WITHOUT BEING CALLED INSANE?
GOING BACK HOME NOW.

HEY, PIG. MEET 'LIL RAT... I SIGNED UP TO BE HIS BIG BROTHER.
THAT'S GREAT! WHY'D YOU DECIDE TO DO THAT?
BOOT
BOOT
BECAUSE EVERYONE NEEDS A ROLE MODEL.

Hows my tat coming?
Good... I love Ben.
'Jen.'
You enunciate poorly.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU, PIG?
I GOT MY NAME TATTOOED ON ME BY A NEW TATTOO ARTIST.
NEW TATTOO ARTIST??
IT JUST SAYS "PI".
YEAH...HALFWAY THROUGH HE SAID HE NO LONGER FELT CREATIVELY INSPIRED.
IT HAPPENS.

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, HELLO, RAT...I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIENDS, LAUREL AND LAUREL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THEIR HEADS?
I'M RESTING ON MY LAURELS.
SURELY YOU HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME.

HI, PIG. HOW WAS YOUR DAY.
OH, GOMER GOLDFISH, IT WAS TERRIFIC.
WHAT DID YOU DO.
WELL, FIRST I WENT TO BREAKFAST AT THAT NEW DINER AND HAD THE BANANA WAFFLES.
THEN I STROLLED THROUGH THE PARK AND TOOK PICTURES OF THE ROSES.
AFTER THAT, I WENT TO THE COUNTY FAIR AND HAD COTTON CANDY.
THEN I VISITED A COUPLE FRIENDS AND PLAYED CARDS.
AND FOR DINNER, I WENT TO A NEIGHBORHOOD BARBECUE AND WATCHED THE SUNSET... AND HOW ‘BOUT YOU, GOMER.
I SWAM IN CIRCLES.
NEVER ASK A GOLDFISH ABOUT HIS DAY.

I FIND IT SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT WHO I CAN TRUST IN LIFE AND WHO I CAN'T.
I DON'T. I HAVE A FOOL-PROOF TEST.
WHAT'S THAT?
I NEVER TRUST A PERSON WHO USES THE WORD "IMPLEMENT." THEY ARE ALWAYS LYING.
SO MUCH FOR MY RESUME.
LET ME GUESS, YOU IMPLEMENTED CHANGE.

HELLO... CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS?
ENCYCLOPEDIAS? ARE YOU NUTS? WE HAVE THE INTERNET NOW.
CAN YOUR INTERNET DO THAT?

GUYS, I'VE BEEN THINKING... I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD JUMP. I THINK WE SHOULD LIVE. BECAUSE LIFE IS FILLED WITH JOY AND WONDER AND LOVE.
THAT REALLY LOWERS HIS CREDIBILITY.

HEY GOAT.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, DAVE.
NICE TO MEET YOU,
DAVE. HEY, PIG AND I
ARE GOING TO DINNER
TOGETHER TONIGHT. CARE
TO JOIN US?
SURE... I'LL BE THERE SOME TIME IN THE FOUR-HOUR WINDOW BETWEEN 6:00 AND 10:00 P.M.
HE WORKS FOR THE CABLE COMPANY.

OKAY, GUYS, THIS IS IT... THE MOMENT THAT WE, AS LEMMINGS, FULFILL OUR MUTUAL SUICIDE PACT BY EACH JUMPING OFF THE CLIFF IN QUICK SUCCESSION. FRED, YOU START US OFF.
Jump
Poof
I NEVER DID TRUST THAT GUY.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR SELLING HIS HOMEMADE NEWSPAPER. HE WAS TIRED OF ALWAYS HEARING BAD NEWS, SO HE THOUGHT HE'D PUBLISH ONE FILLED WITH THE OPPOSITE.
HOW'S IT GOING?
NOT GOOD. I THINK THERE'S A MARKETING PROBLEM.
HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?

DIFFICULT TIMES
When the going gets tough...
And the chips are down...
And the breaks aren't going your way...
And everyone is telling you can't...
Give up.
'Cause they're probably right.
YOU SHOULD NOT BE WRITING MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS.
AND DRINK BEER INSTEAD!
I AM SO &%@!#% MOTIVATED!

HEY, RAT. WHERE WERE YOU TODAY?
DEPRESSED OVER MY LIFE'S CIRCUMSTANCE. SO I PAINTED ALL THE WINDOWS BLACK.
YOU REALLY THINK THAT PAINTING ALL YOUR WINDOWS BLACK IS THE ANSWER?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MY WINDOWS?
HEY, RAT. NEIGHBOR BOB'S LOOKING FOR YOU.
OH, GREAT. WHAT'S IT TAKE TO NOT SEE THAT GUY?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE DRUNK?
BEING DRUNK IS WHEN YOU HAVE
THE WORST COORDINATION, THE
WORST PERCEPTION, THE WORST JUDGMENT,
AND THE MOST CONFIDENCE ABOUT ALL THREE.
THAT
DOESN'T
SOUND
SAFE.
HEY...
THINK I CAN
JUMP AND LAND
ON ANDY CAPP'S
HEAD?

HI. I'D LIKE TO BUY A DOZEN LONG-STEMMED ROSES FOR MY GIRLFRIEND.
THAT'LL BE $150.
BUT THE SIGN SAYS $75.
I KNOW, BUT IT'S VALENTINES DAY AND MY POWER HAS GROWN EXPONENTIALLY.
BWAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA
FLORISTS ARE A CRUEL BUNCH.