Pearls Before Swine | Search

HAVE YOU SEEN ALL THOSE ELECTRONIC SIGNS THE CITY PUTS BY THE SIDE OF THE ROAD TELLING YOU THE SPEED YOU'RE DRIVING?
YEAH. THEY'RE TO MAKE YOU SLOW DOWN.
OH.
'OH' WHAT?
I KEEP TRYING TO SET A SPEED RECORD.
PLEASE STOP TALKING TO ME.
SO THE NUMBERS ARE NOT SENT TO THE 'GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS'?

Hullooo zeeba neighba. Leesten. Croc start barber shop. Want haircut?
I don't think I'd feel comfortable with your barber.
Whuh wrong wid barber?
Guy juss lack people skills.

HEY, GOAT... I MADE A NEW FRIEND. HE'S A BOUNCER.
A BOUNCER, HUH? MUST BE PRETTY TOUGH.
NOT REALLY.

WHAT'S WITH THIS NEW TREND WITH GUYS KEEPING THEIR SUNGLASSES ON THE BACK OF THEIR HEAD?
YEAH. IT'S A LITTLE STRANGE, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
YOU LOOK STUPID.
THERE'S THAT.

WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
GETTING READY FOR A DATE WITH A GIRL HE KNEW YEARS AGO. BUT HE'S WORRIED 'CAUSE HE THINKS HE'S TOO FAT NOW.
POOR GUY. WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
I TOLD HIM IF HE WANTS TO LOOK THINNER, HE SHOULD WEAR SOMETHING WITH VERTICAL STRIPES.
I FEEL BETTER NOW.

HEY, GOAT, I WAS GONNA ASK YOU TO STAY FOR DINNER, BUT THAT HOMEMADE PASTA I GOT FROM PROFESSOR LINGUIST WENT STALE.
IS HE THAT PROFESSOR OF LANGUAGE DOWN AT THE COLLEGE?
YEAH. HE GAVE ME ALL THIS LINGUINE THAT I JUST LEFT SIT OPEN ON THE SHELF. I FEEL ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE ABOUT IT.
SO YOU HAVE LINGUIST LINGUIST'S LINGUINE LANGUISH ANGUISH?
I HATE THAT GUY.

Dude,
Have Guard Duck destroy Pakistan.
Rat should get arrested at Disneyland and punch Goofy in the face!!
No one where a girl takes off her bikini top. Says, "Glad to get that off my chest."
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do something with Star Wars where everyone blows up.
STAR WARS ROCKS !!!!!!!!
My wife Jessica's 39th birthday is on Friday. Have your strip that day say, "Happy B-Day, Jess!"
MORE CROCS!!!
Less crocs.
KILL ALL YOUR CHARACTERS P.S. Please give me credit if you use this idea.
HEY, STEPH, I HAD AN IDEA FOR A STRIP... DO YOU TAKE SUGGESTIONS?
NO.
SO THIS IS WHERE YOU GET YOUR IDEAS.

Hey, zeeba. You like cooking wid gas or charcoal?
WELL, THAT'S THE GREAT DEBATE, ISN'T IT? BUT I SUPPOSE I'D HAVE TO SAY CHARCOAL.
Gud. Geet on grill.
Guy never coopperate.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WE SEE MUCH OF LIFE THROUGH THE PRISM OF OURSELVES?
HOW SO?
WHEN PEOPLE AROUND US DO THINGS, WE ASSUME THEIR MOTIVATION FOR DOING SO MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH OURSELVES, WHEN IN TRUTH MOST DECISIONS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH US.
THAT'S INTERESTING BUT I NEED TO GET GOING
WHY? BECAUSE I'M BORING?
BECAUSE I'LL MISS MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT.
CALL ME 'BORING' AGAIN. I DARE YOU.

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S THAT?
MY NEW INVENTION, THE 'TROUBLE BOX.' IF YOU HAVE TROUBLES, YOU PUT 'EM IN HERE AND THEY'RE GONE FOREVER. GO AHEAD, PUT A COUPLE IN THERE.
I'M DUMB AND NEED AFFECTION.
HEE HEE HEE HEE
FIRST I LAUGH AT THEM.

I MISS MY MOTHER.
YOU'LL BE OKAY, PRIVATE. YOU'RE A SURVEILLANCE DRONE NOW.
HOW DOES THAT HELP?
BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA SHOW EVERYONE WHO EVER REJECTED YOU HOW GREAT YOU'VE BECOME. HOW IMPORTANT. HOW WORLDLY... HOW...
TOO.
SOMETIMES IT'S EASIER TO JUST DEMONSTRATE.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING 'TRIVIAL PURSUIT' AGAINST JIMMY THE JELLYFISH.
WHY ARE YOU PLAYING AGAINST JIMMY?
BECAUSE JELLYFISH HAVE NO BRAIN.
WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF TEXAS?
BLUE.
AWW, TOO BAD, JIMMY, YOU LOSE AGAIN.

PIG, I'VE MADE A CHOICE...
ABOUT US. I WOULD LIKE
TO BE... UH... IN A WORD...
WELL... I'LL JUST SAY IT...
CELIBATE!
YAY!
YAY!
YOU'RE
FINE
WITH
THAT?
FINE!
I LOVE
TO CELEBRATE.
LET'S
START
OVER.
WHY?
JOIN
IN!
TOOT
TOOT

HEY, PIG... WHAT'S ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
IT'S A POST-IDIOT. THEY'RE POST-ITS THAT ARE STUCK ON IDIOTS' FOREHEADS TO DESIGNATE THEIR LEVEL OF STUPIDITY. ONE'S THE MOST, UNFORTUNATELY.
OH GREAT. SO NOW EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS DINER CAN JUST AVOID PIG AND BE HAPPY.
LET ME GUESS WHOSE RIDICULOUS IDEA THAT WAS.
IT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA, MOUSEHEAD.
THEY'RE NOT THAT HAPPY...
WHY IS THAT BRILLIANT?
BECAUSE YOU WALK THROUGH LIFE NOT KNOWING WHO THE IDIOTS ARE! THAT GIVES THEM THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE! AND THAT'S HOW THEY RUIN YOUR DAY!
SADLY, I RAN OUT OF POST-ITS.

HEY, RAT, WANT TO MEET MY FRIEND, GREG?
WHERE IS HE?
AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS HOLE.
WHAT'S HE DOING DOWN THERE?
HE'S AN UNDERGROUND ARTIST.
MORE DIRT ON THE CANVAS.

WOULD YOU SAY MY ABILITY TO ANNOY OTHERS IS BEYOND THAT OF ANYONE ELSE ?
ABSOLUTELY.
TOLD YOU I HAVE A SUPERPOWER.
I'M LEAVING.
SEE? MY VERY PRESENCE HAS HURLED HIM FROM THE ROOM.
IT IS A SUPERPOWER!

WELL, SIR, I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE PRIVATE DINKY IN MY ARMY. HE'LL BE A SURVEILLANCE DRONE HOVERING HIGH OVERHEAD.
DOES HE KNOW HOW TO FLY?
PTOO
SORT OF.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAS CHANGED THE MOST SINCE YOU WERE A KID, STEPH?
PARENTING. WHEN I WAS A KID, MY PARENTS WOULD JUST LET ME GO OFF ALONE FOR HOURS.
HECK, I EVEN FLEW CROSS COUNTRY ON MY OWN. LOTS OF KIDS DID. AND NOW, PARENTS NEVER LET THEIR KIDS DO STUFF LIKE THAT. AND WHY NOT? I TURNED OUT OKAY.
NEVER CITE YOURSELF AS AN EXAMPLE OF NORMALCY.
MAYBE YOU FELL AND HIT YOUR HEAD A LOT.

I DON'T GET IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY SOMEONE'S A "SITTING DUCK".
A SITTING DUCK IS JUST SOMEONE WHO'S EASY TO ATTACK. WHY IS THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?
IT'S COUNTER TO MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
GO AHEAD. MAKE MY DAY.

I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS THAT BUGS ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU, AND I THINK I KNOW THE ANSWER... YOU'RE CONDESCENDING.
THAT'S NOT CORRECT...
BUT YOU TRIED YOUR BEST.
PAT PAT PAT
PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY HEAD.
I'M SORRY. IT'S PROBABLY SORE FROM ALL THAT THINKING.

HEY, PIG. WHY'D YOU NEED ME TO COME OVER?
I CAN'T SLEEP.
WHY NOT?
RAT SAID THAT IF YOU'RE BAD IN LIFE, YOU'RE FORCED TO LISTEN TO NOTHING BUT POLKA MUSIC WHEN YOU DIE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE, PIG. HE JUST SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT TO MESS WITH YOU.
YEAH.. HOW SILLY.
NOW YOU GET SOME SLEEP AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
THANKS, GOAT... YOU CAN TURN OFF THE LIGHTS ON YOUR WAY OUT.
PIG?
GOAT? YOU STILL HERE?
*CLICK*
OUT!
WHAT? I'M JUST SINGING HIM A LULLABY.
AWAY WITH YE, SATAN! AWAY!!!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN PEOPLE SAY THINGS AREN'T WHAT THEY APPEAR TO BE?
WELL, TAKE THAT GIRL OVER THERE.
WHAT ABOUT HER?
SHE APPEARS TO BE LISTENING TO MUSIC ON HER iPOD. BUT SHE'S NOT. SHE JUST KEEPS THOSE EARBUDS IN HER EARS TO KEEP LOSERS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO FROM TALKING TO HER.
OHHH, THAT'S NOT TRUE, IS IT?
LA LA LA LA LA LA-LA-LA-LA
LISTENING TO MUSIC... CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

HEY, RAT, IF YOU'RE GONNA COME OVER AND EAT MY CHIPS, PUT THIS BAG CLIP ON THEM WHEN YOU'RE DONE SO THE CHIPS STAY FRESH.
CONSIDER IT DONE.
GREAT. SO YOU'LL DO IT.
NO. I JUST WANT YOU TO CONSIDER IT DONE SO YOU'LL STOP WHINING LIKE AN OVERSENSITIVE NINNY.
GIVE 'EM BACK.
CONSIDER IT DONE.

WOW. LOOK AT THAT WOMAN'S GREAT JUGS.
PIG, THAT'S RIDICULOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE. GO SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
SORRY.
FOR WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GIVE UP.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, I HEAR YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
YEP. AND TO RELAX, I'M TAKING ALL MY GROOMSMEN TO PLAY SOME GOLF FOR A LITTLE FRIENDLY WAGER. I COULD REALLY USE THE CASH.
THAT'S GREAT! MAY THE BEST MAN WIN!
WHY YOU ROOTING FOR HIM?