Pearls Before Swine | Search

NO NO NO
'DAD, LISTEN. WHEN I GOT YOU THAT CHRISTMAS HAT, IT WAS MY WAY OF SAYING--'
'DAD, LISTEN, I KNOW WE'VE HAD PROBLEMS, BUT YOU GOTTA KNOW SOMETHING. I LOVE--'
ARE YOU ANDY?
YES.

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?

THIS BOOK ON THE AMISH. IT'S AN INTERESTING RELIGION.

HOW SO?
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE, THEY HAVE THIS RITE OF PASSAGE CALLED 'RUMSPRINGA.'
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S THIS PERIOD OF ADOLESCENCE WHERE YOUNG PEOPLE LEAVE THE COMMUNITY AND SOW THEIR WILD OATS.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
SOME OF THEM GO OUT INTO THE WORLD AND EXPERIENCE DRINKING AND HOOKING UP AND DRIVING FAST CARS AND FLOUTING AUTHORITY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT I'M AMISH!!
HE'S THE HOLIEST MAN EVER!
NO.
YOU CAN'T CALL THIS 'RITE OF PASSAGE' LAST MAY AND JUNE.

HEY, GOAT... DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE PART OF A BELL CALLED THE CLAPPER DOES?
IT RINGS A BELL.
THEN TAKE A GUESS.
IT RINGS A BELL.
SO GUESS.
IT... RINGS... A... BELL!!
YOU'RE A HARD GUY TO TALK TO.

LISTEN, PAL, I KNOW YOU GOT SOME PROBLEMS WITH YOUR DAD, BUT SOMETIMES THAT'S HOW IT IS WITH SONS AND FATHERS.
BUT I WANT TO BE CLOSE.
YEAH, WELL, MAYBE THAT CAN'T HAPPEN. MAYBE YOU'RE AS DIFFERENT AS TWO GUYS CAN BE. BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THERE HAS TO BE A WALL. AND YOU SHOULD TELL HIM THAT BEFORE ONE DAY YOU CAN'T.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I GOTTA MARCH IN THERE AND SAY IT.
NOT DURING "WHEEL OF FORTUNE," YOU DON'T!!
GOOD LUCK.
MIND IF I SAY IT TO YOUR FATHER?

YOU VISITING YOUR DAD?
YUP.
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
GET WELL, DAD!
YEAH. MY OLD MAN'S IN HERE, TOO. WE SPENT THE DAY LOOKING THROUGH OLD PHOTOS, PLAYING SCRABBLE, REMINISCING ABOUT WHEN HE TAUGHT ME TO THROW A FOOTBALL. HOW 'BOUT YOU?
HE TOLD ME TO PIPE DOWN DURING JEOPARDY!
HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM
GET WELL, DAD!
I SEE.
HE LET ME TALK DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS.
WAITING ROOM

Dear son,
For the last three years, you have been too busy to have Christmas dinner at our house. Please come this year so your father and I can hear all the great stories you must have about being a fierce bear that chases down all the prey, you see!
Still busy.

DAD. I KNOW WE HAVEN'T BEEN VERY TIGHT, SO I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A GIFT. I BOUGHT IT AT THAT NEW TARGET.
IS THAT THE STORE ON SECOND STREET?
WHERE YOU GO DOWN MAIN AND MAKE A LEFT?
I THINK YOU MAKE A RIGHT OFF OF MAIN. BUT THE POINT IS THAT I GOT YOU A PRESENT.
OH. I GET IT.
YOU DO?
YEAH. YOU MAKE A RIGHT IF YOU'RE COMING EAST ON MAIN
MAYBE I'LL WEAR IT MYSELF.
WAIT. ISN'T MAIN ONE-WAY?

LISTEN, DAD. I KNOW WE WERE NEVER CLOSE, BUT I -
HAND ME THE CLICKER, KID. I DON'T WANT TO WATCH NEWS. IT DRIVES ME NUTS. THE WHOLE WORLD IS NUTS NOW.
HERE, DAD... LISTEN... I THOUGHT MAYBE WE SHOULD TRY AND TALK --
WHOA WHOA. LISTEN: IS "JEOPARDY" ON? I DON'T WANT TO MISS "JEOPARDY."
MAYBE CLOSENESS IS OVERRATED.
AND WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BUTTONS ON THIS THING? IT DRIVES ME NUTS. THE WHOLE WORLD IS NUTS.

DO YOU THINK IT'S WRONG TO SINGLE OUT SOMEONE BECAUSE OF THEIR NATIONALITY AND THEN TELL THEM YOU NO LONGER WANT THEM TO LIVE ?
OF COURSE IT IS, PIG. IT'S VERY RACIST. WHY ?
BECAUSE I SAW A MAN DOING THAT TO PEOPLE.
WHAT--?? THAT'S HORRIBLE... LEAD ME TO HIM RIGHT NOW.
PIG ?... YES ?
THIS GUY DIDN’T HAPPEN TO BE SELLING T-SHIRTS, DID HE ?
YEAH, HE WAS DOING THAT, TOO. LOOK...
TIE-DYE!!... TIE-DYE!!... TIE-DYE!!...
T-SHIRTS FOR SALE
SLOW IDEA WEEK?
SORTA.
BOOOOO! RACIST T-SHIRTS !! BOOOO!!

WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO RUN AWAY, ANDY? YOU'VE ALWAYS SEEMED SO HAPPY.
IT'S MY DAD. WE'VE NEVER BEEN SUPER CLOSE, AND NOW HE'S OLD AND HOSPITALIZED, AND I WANTED TO TAKE ONE LAST CHANCE AT IMPROVING THINGS BEFORE HE'S GONE.
AWWWW, HE MUST HAVE BEEN SO TOUCHED. WHAT DID HE SAY?
IS IT ME, OR ARE YOU NURSES GETTING UGLIER AND UGLIER?

ANDY! ANDY! WHAT'S GOING ON?
OHH, PIG. IT'S AWFUL. I ESCAPED AND NOW THE POLICE ARE AFTER ME AND THEY'RE OFFERING THIS BIG BIG REWARD FOR INFORMATION ABOUT ME AND
Beep Beep Boop Beep Boop Beep Beep
JUST ORDERING A PIZZA.

CHECK IT OUT... THE POLICE HELICOPTERS ARE STILL LOOKING FOR THAT GUY WHO ESCAPED.
YEAH, I HEARD THEY'RE OFFERING A 50,000 REWARD FOR TIPS LEADING TO HIS CAPTURE.
I'M TURNING HIM IN FOR THE CASH.
ANDY!!

WHATCHA WATCHIN’?
POLICE CHASE. I GUESS SOMEONE ESCAPED FROM CAPTIVITY.
OOOH, HOW SCARY. WHO IS IT?
I DUNNO. BUT IT MUST BE SOMEONE PRETTY DESPERATE NOT TO RETURN TO WHERE THEY WERE.

AND I'M LIKE,
"YOU DID NOT
JUST UNFRIEND
ME, DID YOU?"
GIRL,
THAT IS
HELLA
WHACK.
TELL ME ABOUT IT. SO
I'M LIKE --
DON'T MIND ME.

I SOLVED THE ENERGY CRISIS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
EVERYONE'S LOOKING FOR A RENEWABLE SOURCE OF ENERGY THAT IS CHEAP, DEPENDABLE, AND IN ABUNDANT SUPPLY.
SO?
SO HARNESS STUPIDITY.
LOOK, EVERYTHING HE SAYS TURNS THE LITTLE WINDMILL...
IT'S MOVING! IT'S MOVING!

HEY, RAT... IT'S YOUR BANK. IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE LATE WITH SOME PAYMENT.
HI, THANKS FOR CALLING.
IF THIS IS ABOUT A LATE CREDIT CARD PAYMENT, PRESS '1.'
IF THIS IS ABOUT A LATE MORTGAGE PAYMENT, PRESS '2.'
IF THIS IS ABOUT A LATE CAR PAYMENT, PRESS '3.'
TO SPEAK WITH A PERSONAL REPRESENTATIVE AT ANY TIME, JUST SAY 'RAT.'
RAT.
I'M SORRY... I DIDN'T CATCH THAT.
RAT.
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T CATCH THAT.
RAT!
THANKS. I'LL TRANSFER YOU TO... CAT.
RAT! RAT! NOT CAT!
YOU'RE HAVING WAY TOO MUCH FUN.
MEOWWWW.
GrrEN STREET FLIGHT.

HEY, PIG, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
ME AND MY COUSIN PLAYED A SCHMUPPERDINK THIS MORNING.
WHAT'S THAT?
IT'S WHEN TWO GUYS ARE ABOUT TO WALK INTO EACH OTHER, SO ONE GUY MOVES TO THE SIDE, BUT THEN THE OTHER GUY MOVES TO THE SAME SIDE, THEN THEY BOTH MOVE TO THE OTHER SIDE, AND ON AND ON.
WELL, THAT HAPPENS TO EVERYONE, PIG... WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
IT LASTED FOR FOUR HOURS.
NEVER MIND.
WHOEVER SAID PIGS ARE SMART NEVER MET MY FAMILY.

HEY, ANDY THE CHAINED-UP DOG...
WHAT ARE YOU SO EXCITED ABOUT?
NEW CHAIN!!
THAT'S ONE OPTIMISTIC DOG.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT MR. SHUFFLES HERE FEELS HE HASN'T GOTTEN ENOUGH TIME IN THE STRIP LATELY.

GEE, GUARD DUCK, I THINK EVERY CHARACTER FEELS THAT WAY. I'M NOT QUITE SURE WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
HOW ABOUT A FOOT-RACE, SIR? ALL THE CHARACTERS COMPETE. WHOEVER WINS GETS MORE TIME IN THE STRIP.
SOUNDS FINE TO ME. WHAT DO THE OTHER CHARACTERS THINK?
I OBJECT.

PIG AND I GOT ONE OF THOSE TRENDY SHAG RUGS… THE KIND WITH THE DEEP PILE.
WOW. HOW DEEP IS THAT?
PRETTY DEEP.

HEY, RAT. . . YOU WANT HALF THIS SANDWICH? I CAN’T EAT ALL OF IT.
I CAN’T EAT THAT. THERE ARE SPROUTS ON IT.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH SPROUTS?
NOBODY LIKES SPROUTS. THAT’S HOW THEY GOT THEIR NAME.
“SPROUTS”?
SOMETHING PEOPLE RUIN OUR USUALLY TASTY SANDWICHES WITH.
OF COURSE.
WANT TO KNOW WHAT BROCCOLI STANDS FOR?

HEY, PIG. D'YOU GET A NEW HAT?
YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS LIKED COWS, SO I DECIDED TO SHOW MY FINANCIAL SUPPORT FOR THEM BY BUYING THEIR HATS.
PIG... THOSE ARE THE UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS LONGHORNS.
THESE COWS ATTEND COLLEGE?
LET'S START OVER.
LETS. THESE ARE VERY PRIVILEGED COWS.

CAN ME HAS LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN?
GREEK TO LATIN.
IS DERE ANY ALTERNATE PRONOUNCIASHUNS?
NO.
IS IT A NOUN?
YES.
CAN ME PEES HAS DEFENISHUN?
A SMALL DOMESTICATED MAMMAL WITH FUR AND SHORT SNOUT.
CAN YOU PEESE USE WORD IN A SENT'N?
COULD YOU PLEASE JUST SPELL THE &@#$ING WORD 'CAT'?
ME FORGOT. WHICH IS LANGUAGE OF ORIGIN?
AUGHHH.

I'M TIRED OF SOCIETY'S CONSTRAINTS. WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I'M HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE, AM I EXPECTED TO PERIODICALLY NOD MY HEAD AND SAY STUFF LIKE 'YEAH', 'UH HUH', 'RIGHT'...?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO INSTEAD?
ANYTHING. WATCH... START A CONVERSATION.
OKAY... UH... SURE HAVE HAD NICE WEATHER LATELY, HUH?
GLONK.
I REGRET ASKING.
TOFU.

HI, PIG. IT'S ME, BENNIE THE BEAR. I WANT YOU TO KNOW I GOT RID OF MY WOMEN'S BOOTS.
THAT'S GREAT! NOW YOU CAN CHASE AFTER RABBITS LIKE OTHER BEARS!
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHY NOT?
MY HAT WILL BLOW OFF.