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HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET BENNIE. HE'S A BLACK BEAR.
BLACK BEAR, HUH? I'VE ALWAYS FEARED YOU GUYS BECAUSE NO PREY CAN ESCAPE YOU. YOU RUN FAST, SWIM FAST, CLIMB TREES.
NOT BENNIE.
WHY NOT?
HE WEARS WOMEN'S BOOTS.
THEY'RE VERY FLATTERING.
MY FEAR IS DIMINISHING.

HOW COME YOU WANTED TO COME TO THE BOOKSTORE, GOAT?
I JUST ENJOY IT. SEEING ALL THESE WONDERFULLY DIVERSE AREAS OF KNOWLEDGE GIVES ME HOPE FOR MANKIND.
I MEAN, LOOK, YOU'VE GOT YOUR SCIENCE SECTION, YOUR CLASSIC LITERATURE ...
...HISTORY...GEOGRAPHY...
...PSYCHOLOGY...PHILOSOPHY...
NEW TEEN PARANORMAL ROMANCE
WE'RE ALL @%#*ING DOOMED.
AWWWWWWW.... BLOODSUCKING VAMPIRES ARE SO DARN SWEET.

WELL, I GOTTA TAKE OFF...I'M DOING SOME COMMUNITY SERVICE TODAY.
I DID THAT ONCE... TRIED TO SET UP A SPORTS PROGRAM IN A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD.
WHAT SPORT?
POLO.
I'M LEAVING NOW.
'BRING YOUR OWN HORSE,' I TOLD THE KIDS... BUT DID THEY LISTEN? NOOOOOOO...

HEY, DUDE. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M PLAYING WITH MY NEW BASKETBALL, VOLLEYBALL, AND BASEBALLS, ALL UNDER THE LIGHT OF THE FULL MOON, WHICH I CAN SEE THROUGH THIS PORTHOLE WINDOW.
COOL IT WITH THE NEW STENCIL.
BUT IT'S SO EXCITING.

HEY, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SKIPPY THE SCORPION.
AWWW...WHAT A FRIENDLY LIL' GUY. HE WANTS TO SHAKE HANDS.
NOT A HANDSHAKE.
Nature... so... confusing.

I THINK I FIGURED OUT HOW TO UNIFY THIS COUNTRY.
HOW?
WELL, ONE BIG CHUNK OF THE COUNTRY READS THE NEW YORK TIMES BUT HATES NASCAR. ANOTHER BIG CHUNK OF THE COUNTRY LOVES NASCAR BUT HATES THE NEW YORK TIMES.
SO?
SO LET'S PUT PEOPLE WHO READ THE 'NEW YORK TIMES' ON THE TRACK OF THE DAYTONA 500.
I'M GONNA FACE THAT WAY NOW.
HOPE THEY HAVE QUICK REACTIONS.

OYEZ! OYEZ! I BRING THEE YE NEWS OF THE DAY!
RAT DECLARED MOST POPULAR MEMBER OF PEARS!
RAT AN IMMENSE STUD!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS, RAT. THE PROVIDER OF THE NEWS IS SUPPOSED TO GIVE PEOPLE THE TRUTH. I CAN NO LONGER TAKE YOU SPOUTING OUT THIS BIASED AGENDA.
SORRY. I CAN FIX THAT.
YE GOAT TO BE HUNG AT NOON!!
YE MUST BE GOAT.

HEY, GOAT,
IS THE CABLE OUT
IN YOUR AREA?
YEP. CABLE, INTERNET, EVERY-
THING. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO GET ANY NEWS ALL DAY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M
GONNA DO.
OYEZ! OYEZ! YE NEWS OF THE
DAY!
DING! DING!
DING!
OH. THIS
IS GONNA
BE FUN.
YE LONELY GOAT
DECLARED LEAST
LIKELY TO HOOK
UP WITH WOMEN.

FRUIT FOR SALE! FRUIT FOR SALE! HEY, NEIGHBOR BETTY... WHASSA MATTER?
MY BOYFRIEND AND I RAN OFF SECRETLY TO GET MARRIED, BUT MY PARENTS CAUGHT US.
WHY'D YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED THAT WAY?
BECAUSE MY PARENTS ARE INSISTING ON THIS BIG FORMAL WEDDING, AND WE DON'T WANT THAT.
SO NOW WE'RE BANNED FROM TRYING TO RUN OFF AGAIN. AND IF WE DO, THEY'RE FOREVER WRITTEN OUT OF THEIR WILL.
GOSH, I'M SORRY, BETTY. HOW ABOUT SOME HOMEGROWN FRUIT TO TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THINGS?
SURE, PIG. WHATCHA GOT?
CANTALOUPE!
OH GAAWND
A SIMPLE 'NO' WOULD SUFFICE.

HOW WAS YOUR FIRST JOB INTERVIEW, DAD?
Great. Me show attention to detail and assertiveness.
You fat. Give me monies.
Somehow me no get job.

Hey, son. Mom say me got geet job. Help me write resumé.
Sure. EMPLOYERS REALLY RELY ON THOSE THINGS FOR THEIR EVALUATIONS. WHAT DO YOU HAVE SO FAR?
Me like drinking.
It pretty gud skill.

LARRY, IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA CATCH THIS FAMILY A ZEBRA, YOU NEED TO GO TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE AND GET A JOB.
Fine.
Me great. Give me job.
DEY NOT HELPFUL.

BAD NEWS, RAT.
YOU WEREN'T ELECTED PRESIDENT.
THIS GUY HAS.
THAT GUY? WHAT A JOKE.
THE COUNTRY'S RUINED.
WHOA WHOA WHOA... SORRY TO INTERRUPT, RAT, BUT WOULD YOU MIND REMINDING EVERYONE THAT I WROTE THIS STRIP IN AUGUST AND DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW THE WINNER, SO YOUR REFERENCE ISN'T TO ANYONE SPECIFIC.
I'D RATHER NOT GET 1,000 COMPLAINTS.
STEPHAN THINKS THIS GUY GETS ELECTED AND HE'S AN IDIOT.
STOP
SEND THOSE COMPLAINTS TO
pearlscomic@gmail.com

WELL, RAT, HAVE YOU VOTED YET?
NO. I DECIDED NOT TO. I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANY OF THE CANDIDATES.
YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
THAT CAN'T BE A GOOD SIGN.

HOW'S YOUR CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT GOING?
GOOD. I'VE HIRED ARNIE ARMADILLO TO RUN IT. HE HAS EXPERTISE IN A NUMBER OF DISCIPLINES, INCLUDING ELECTION STRATEGY, POLLING, MEDIA RELATIONS, AND FUNDRAISING.
SO WHERE IS HE?
HE GOT RUN OVER BY A TRUCK.
HE NEVER DID MASTER ROAD CROSSING.

Hey, babe...
Hope U R having a good day :)
Sure wish I could u
kiss u right on your cute nose
By the way, have I told u how good u look lately?
Especially your rear. All that exercise sure paying off!
Want 2 meet me here at cafe for romantic lunch?
Could be fun!
WOW. THAT WAS QUICK.
WHAT WAS?
YOU RESPONDING TO MY TEXT.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ALL THIS TO YOUR MOTHER?
AAAHHHHHHHHHHH
HEY...WHO'S THIS FUZZY YOU'RE TEXTING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
FINDING OUT HOW CLEARLY I CAN SEE MY BUTT.
WHAT FOR?
TO SEE IF HINDSIGHT REALLY IS 20/20.
I THINK I'VE LOST MY APPETITE.
WHOA. ME, TOO.

WHY SHOULD I VOTE FOR YOU?
BECAUSE UNLIKE MOST POLITICIANS WHO MAKE A WIDE RANGE OF PROMISES, I'M GONNA FOCUS ON JUST ONE ISSUE.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU SHAKE THE KETCHUP BOTTLE BUT NOTHING COMES OUT, YOU SHAKE IT MORE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT ALL COMES OUT IN ONE MASSIVE SPLOPPP THAT RUINS YOUR FOOD?
YEAH.
I'M GONNA CHANGE THAT.
HOW AMBITIOUS.
HELP ME FIGHT THE SPLOPPP.

SIR. ONE OF YOUR OPPONENTS IN THIS RACE SEEMS TO RAISE TAXES ON THE WEALTHY. ANOTHER OPPONENT HAS A TAX PLAN THAT SOME SAY COULD RAISE TAXES ON THE MIDDLE CLASS. WHAT APPROACH DO YOU FAVOR?
MY OWN.
WHICH IS WHAT?
TO SINGLE OUT STUPID PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM PAY MORE.
THAT CAN'T BE CONSTITUTIONAL.
OH, RIGHT. LIKE THEY'LL FIGURE THAT OUT.

TRICK OR TREAT.
WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HERE TO TELL YOU ALL THE REASONS YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME.
AHHHHHHHHHH
I SHOULD WEAR A LESS SCARY COSTUME.

WELCOME TO "FRESH AIR"...I'M TERRY GROSS. WE'RE HERE WITH A LAST MINUTE ENTRY INTO THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE. ART, SIR, WHAT'S YOUR STRATEGY FOR WINNING AT THIS LATE DATE?
I'LL LET MY CAMPAIGN STRATEGIST ANSWER THAT.
THANKS, TERRY...WE'RE CONCENTRATING MAINLY ON OHIO, MISSOURI, AND FLORIDA...THEY'RE THE SWINGER STATES.
THEY ARE?
SWING STATES! SWING STATES!
WHOA...BETTER CHANGE THE CAMPAIGN LITERATURE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE RAT IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
HE'S JUST NOT HAPPY WITH THE CURRENT CANDIDATES. FOR ONE THING, EACH OF THEM WEARS A SINGLE FLAG PIN IN THEIR LAPEL.
SO.?
SO I HAVE 137.
MAYBE I'LL WRITE IN MYSELF FOR PRESIDENT.
DON'T DO IT. YOU HAVE NO FLAG PINS.

GOOD EVENING, MY FELLOW CITIZENS...
IF YOU DON'T MIND, PLEASE SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES.
WHAT NOW?!
UNSATISFIED WITH THE CURRENT SLATE OF NOMINEES, I, RAT, AM DECLARING MY CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR BIG ISSUE?
BUILDING A THOUSAND-FOOT-TALL WALL ALONG THE BORDER TO KEEP OUT ALL THESE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
YOU'RE GONNA BUILD A THOUSAND-FOOT-TALL WALL ALL THE WAY FROM CALIFORNIA TO TEXAS TO KEEP OUT MEXICANS?
NO. FROM WASHINGTON TO MAINE TO KEEP OUT CANADIANS.
SUDDENLY, MY VOTER APATHY IS GROWING.
HEY! DIDN'T CANADA JUST UNVEIL A NEW WEAPON BY SNEAKING ACROSS THE BORDER?
HE'S FROM CANADA?
I THOUGHT WE LOVED CANADA.
THEY'RE FREAKIN' CANUCKS FOR A REASON.

WHY DO WE ALLOW PEOPLE TO BRIBE CONGRESSMEN?
WE DON'T. IT'S ILLEGAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? RICH CORPORATIONS ARE ALWAYS GIVING THESE IDIOTS MONEY TO VOTE A CERTAIN WAY.
YEAH, BUT THOSE AREN'T BRIBES. THEY'RE CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS.
FOR THE SMART GUY IN THE STRIP, YOU'RE PRETTY MORONIC.

ALRIGHT, GUYS, SO I'LL JUMP TO MY DEATH FIRST, AND THAT'LL BE BOB'S CUE TO JUMP NEXT, AND THAT'LL BE MURRAY'S CUE, AND SO ON AND SO ON...GOT IT?
GOT IT
GOT IT
FINGERS CROSSED.