Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hey, babe...
Hope U R having a good day :)
Sure wish I could u
kiss u right on your cute nose
By the way, have I told u how good u look lately?
Especially your rear. All that exercise sure paying off!
Want 2 meet me here at cafe for romantic lunch?
Could be fun!
WOW. THAT WAS QUICK.
WHAT WAS?
YOU RESPONDING TO MY TEXT.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ALL THIS TO YOUR MOTHER?
AAAHHHHHHHHHHH
HEY...WHO'S THIS FUZZY YOU'RE TEXTING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
FINDING OUT HOW CLEARLY I CAN SEE MY BUTT.
WHAT FOR?
TO SEE IF HINDSIGHT REALLY IS 20/20.
I THINK I'VE LOST MY APPETITE.
WHOA. ME, TOO.

WHY SHOULD I VOTE FOR YOU?
BECAUSE UNLIKE MOST POLITICIANS WHO MAKE A WIDE RANGE OF PROMISES, I'M GONNA FOCUS ON JUST ONE ISSUE.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU SHAKE THE KETCHUP BOTTLE BUT NOTHING COMES OUT, YOU SHAKE IT MORE AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT ALL COMES OUT IN ONE MASSIVE SPLOPPP THAT RUINS YOUR FOOD?
YEAH.
I'M GONNA CHANGE THAT.
HOW AMBITIOUS.
HELP ME FIGHT THE SPLOPPP.

SIR. ONE OF YOUR OPPONENTS IN THIS RACE SEEMS TO RAISE TAXES ON THE WEALTHY. ANOTHER OPPONENT HAS A TAX PLAN THAT SOME SAY COULD RAISE TAXES ON THE MIDDLE CLASS. WHAT APPROACH DO YOU FAVOR?
MY OWN.
WHICH IS WHAT?
TO SINGLE OUT STUPID PEOPLE AND MAKE THEM PAY MORE.
THAT CAN'T BE CONSTITUTIONAL.
OH, RIGHT. LIKE THEY'LL FIGURE THAT OUT.

TRICK OR TREAT.
WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HERE TO TELL YOU ALL THE REASONS YOU SHOULD VOTE FOR ME.
AHHHHHHHHHH
I SHOULD WEAR A LESS SCARY COSTUME.

WELCOME TO "FRESH AIR"...I'M TERRY GROSS. WE'RE HERE WITH A LAST MINUTE ENTRY INTO THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE. ART, SIR, WHAT'S YOUR STRATEGY FOR WINNING AT THIS LATE DATE?
I'LL LET MY CAMPAIGN STRATEGIST ANSWER THAT.
THANKS, TERRY...WE'RE CONCENTRATING MAINLY ON OHIO, MISSOURI, AND FLORIDA...THEY'RE THE SWINGER STATES.
THEY ARE?
SWING STATES! SWING STATES!
WHOA...BETTER CHANGE THE CAMPAIGN LITERATURE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE RAT IS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
HE'S JUST NOT HAPPY WITH THE CURRENT CANDIDATES. FOR ONE THING, EACH OF THEM WEARS A SINGLE FLAG PIN IN THEIR LAPEL.
SO.?
SO I HAVE 137.
MAYBE I'LL WRITE IN MYSELF FOR PRESIDENT.
DON'T DO IT. YOU HAVE NO FLAG PINS.

GOOD EVENING, MY FELLOW CITIZENS...
IF YOU DON'T MIND, PLEASE SHUT YOUR PIEHOLES.
WHAT NOW?!
UNSATISFIED WITH THE CURRENT SLATE OF NOMINEES, I, RAT, AM DECLARING MY CANDIDACY FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR BIG ISSUE?
BUILDING A THOUSAND-FOOT-TALL WALL ALONG THE BORDER TO KEEP OUT ALL THESE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
YOU'RE GONNA BUILD A THOUSAND-FOOT-TALL WALL ALL THE WAY FROM CALIFORNIA TO TEXAS TO KEEP OUT MEXICANS?
NO. FROM WASHINGTON TO MAINE TO KEEP OUT CANADIANS.
SUDDENLY, MY VOTER APATHY IS GROWING.
HEY! DIDN'T CANADA JUST UNVEIL A NEW WEAPON BY SNEAKING ACROSS THE BORDER?
HE'S FROM CANADA?
I THOUGHT WE LOVED CANADA.
THEY'RE FREAKIN' CANUCKS FOR A REASON.

WHY DO WE ALLOW PEOPLE TO BRIBE CONGRESSMEN?
WE DON'T. IT'S ILLEGAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? RICH CORPORATIONS ARE ALWAYS GIVING THESE IDIOTS MONEY TO VOTE A CERTAIN WAY.
YEAH, BUT THOSE AREN'T BRIBES. THEY'RE CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS.
FOR THE SMART GUY IN THE STRIP, YOU'RE PRETTY MORONIC.

ALRIGHT, GUYS, SO I'LL JUMP TO MY DEATH FIRST, AND THAT'LL BE BOB'S CUE TO JUMP NEXT, AND THAT'LL BE MURRAY'S CUE, AND SO ON AND SO ON...GOT IT?
GOT IT
GOT IT
FINGERS CROSSED.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
VISITING MY FRIEND, BOB. HE'S IN THE DOGHOUSE.
WHAT'D HE DO WRONG?
NOTHING.
THEN WHY'S HE IN THE DOGHOUSE?
HE'S A DOG.
ANTHROPOMORPHIC ANIMAL STRIPS ARE SO CONFUSING.

HERES THAT BOOK YOU LET ME BORROW. THANKS.
WHAT THE @#&*! YOU UNDERLINED SENTENCES.
OH, YEAH, SORRY. I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO LIKES TO UNDERLINE AS I READ. IT'S JUST PENCIL, THOUGH.
I CAN ERASE IT IF IT UPSETS YOU.
I SENSE IT UPSETS HIM.

ALRIGHT, GUYS, THIS IS IT... DOES ANYONE WANT TO REFLECT BACK ON OUR LIVES BEFORE WE LEAP TO OUR DEATHS?
YEAH. FRED OWES ME FIVE BUCKS.
PERHAPS A TAD MORE REFLECTIVE.

I WROTE A SCREENPLAY ABOUT THIS HEROIC GUY, BUT I THINK IT'S MISSING SOMETHING.
HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ADDING SOME STRONG HEROINE?
CRACK
SAY NO TO DRUGS.

Clear Recent Calls
Delete Chat History
Clear Browser History
Delete All Texts
Erase Everything Bad You've Ever Done in Your Life
SMARTPHONES JUST GET BETTER AND BETTER.

OKAY, GUYS, IF I JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF TO MY DEATH, WE ALL JUMP OFF THIS CLIFF TO OUR DEATHS.
Okay
Okay
SUCKER.

HEY, LOOK, A LEMMING JUMPING OFF A CLIFF.
YEAH, WATCH... WHEN ONE LEMMING COMMITS SUICIDE, THEY ALL COMMIT SUICIDE.
LOSER.
OR MAYBE NOT.
I GET HIS CAR.
I GET HIS CONDO.
I GET HIS WIFE.
I GET HIS WIFE.

I THINK I'M GONNA OPEN UP MY OWN COFFEE SHOP.
I'LL HAVE A ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY FOR EMPLOYEES WHO ARE RUDE TO CUSTOMERS.
REALLY?
YEAH. IF THEY'RE RUDE, I'D TOLERATE ZERO BEING DONE ABOUT IT.
THAT'S NOT WHAT THAT MEANS.
HECK, I'D GIVE BONUSES.

HAVE YOU SEEN THOSE "MOST INTERESTING MAN IN THE WORLD" DOS EQUIS ADS?
OF COURSE. WHY?
BECAUSE I AM THE MOST INTERESTING COMIC STRIP CHARACTER IN THE WORLD.
WHY DID I KNOW THAT WAS COMING?
STAY LAUGHING, MY FRIEND.

HEY, GOAT.
IT'S ME, PIG.
WANT TO COME OVER?
I CAN'T, PIG. I'M GOING TO A WILD WEST THEME PARTY.
OOOH...
CAN I COME?
SURE. GOT A TEN-GALLON HAT?
MAYBE I'LL GO ALONE.

I HEAR YOU LOST YOUR RADIO JOB.
YES, SIR... I CLASHED WITH STATION MANAGEMENT.
WELL, I'LL GUARD DUCK, IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE LEARNED IN LIFE, IT'S THAT YOU REALLY HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES.
YOU DO?
YEAH.
THEN I PICK ALL OF THEM.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S HOW THAT WORKS.
NOW THAT I'VE PICKED THEM, CAN I GO BACK AND FIGHT THEM?

LINE THREE, YOU'RE ON WITH G. D.
HI. WE HAVE SOME FRIENDS WHO COME OVER TO OUR HOUSE FREQUENTLY FOR DINNER. BUT THEY NEVER BRING WINE OR ANYTHING, AND THEY NEVER RECIPROCATE.
I SEE. WELL, ONE WAY TO HANDLE THE SITUATION IS TO SIMPLY TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL.
ANOTHER IS TO MINE YOUR WALKWAY.
COMMERCIAL BREAK!!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH GIVING THEM OPTIONS?

HEY, PIG, I GOTTA CALL RAT REAL QUICK. CAN YOU GIMME HIS NUMBER?
TWO.
TWO WHAT?
JUST TWO.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE HAVE ACTUAL PHONE NUMBERS BEYOND THE NUMBER THEY ARE ON YOUR SPEED DIAL.
WHOA...I THOUGHT IT WAS WEIRD ALL MY FRIENDS HAD SUCH CONVENIENT PHONE NUMBERS.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH. GIMME A TRIPLE BACON CHEESEBURGER.

ANYTHING ELSE?

HOW 'BOUT A LARGE ORDER OF CHILI CHEESE FRIES.

SURE. IS THAT ALL?
THROW IN A SALAD WITH CHUNKY BLUE CHEESE DRESSING. BUT MAKE SURE IT'S LOWFAT.
I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

LISTEN, ED, YOU REALLY NEED TO TONE DOWN THE VIOLENT STUFF. WE CAN'T HAVE THE HOST OF AN ETIQUETTE PROGRAM BE A "SHOOT FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER" KINDA GUY.
I'M NOT, SIR.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
I DON'T ASK QUESTIONS LATER.
I DON'T THINK WE'RE REACHING HIM.
NOW "SHOOT FIRST," SURE.