Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN SOMEBODY'S REALLY GOOD AT SOMETHING, THEY SAY, "HE MAKES IT LOOK EASY?"
YEAH. WHY?
YOU MAKE CARTOONING LOOK HARD.
SO MUCH FOR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

WELL, I'M OFF TO BUY LOTTERY TICKETS!
PIG, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE ODDS OF YOU WINNING THE LOTTERY ARE WORSE THAN THE ODDS OF YOU GETTING ATTACKED BY A BLACK BEAR AND A POLAR BEAR ON THE SAME DAY?
WHOA. THEN I AM NOT GONNA WASTE THIS ON A LOTTERY TICKET.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG.
I'M GONNA SPEND IT ON A RIFLE.
NEVER MIND. DO NOT SHOW FEAR. THEY CAN SMELL IT.

A dance for Steve
(from a Rat who doesn’t
even like to dance.)

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON THE PUNIC WARS.
OH, THAT SURE IS A NICE WAR.
WHY IS IT NICE?
BECAUSE IF THERE HAS TO BE A WAR, YOU WANT IT TO BE TINY.
PUNIC, PIG. NOT PUNY.
PANIC?
OKAY.
AUGHHHHH

NOW THAT YOU HAVE THIS BIG WALL AROUND YOUR PROPERTY, AREN’T YOU WORRIED YOU COULD LOSE THE KEY TO THE GATE?
NO. I HAVE A SPARE THAT I KEEP IN A SAFE PLACE.
SAFE ENOUGH THAT YOU DON’T THINK THE CROCS CAN GET TO IT?
YEP.
Reech for it, Bob.
You reech for it, Burt.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
WELL, YOU'VE HEARD OF BOOKS LIKE 'CHEMISTRY FOR DUMMIES'? I'M WRITING MY OWN SERIES... 'CHEMISTRY FOR MORONS.'
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CHEMISTRY.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW BANJOS CAN BE USED AS PART OF OUR NATIONAL DEFENSE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ONCE YOUR DEPARTMENT'S BUDGET IS TIED TO A WEAPON SYSTEM, IT'S PRACTICALLY SACROSANCT.
HOW IN THE WORLD CAN BANJOS BE USED AS A WEAPON??
YOU EVER HEARD ONE?
I GIVE UP.

RAT, THE GOVERNMENT "BANJO FATALITY" STATISTIAN
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
DECIDING WHERE TO PUT THE FIRST "BANJO FATALITY" CONFERENCE. I'M THINKING IT NEEDS TO BE THE SITE OF THE FIRST KNOWN BANJO FATALITY.
WHAT FATALITY WAS THAT?
BILLY LEE JOE BOB. HE WAS MAKING MOON-SHINE WHEN HE TRIPPED OVER HIS HOUND AND IMPALED HIMSELF ON HIS BANJO. BUT WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE IT HAPPENED.
WHAT'S YOUR BEST GUESS?
THE FRENCH RIVIERA.
NO.
WELL, BETTER CHECK TO BE SURE.

I GOT A HIGH-PAYING JOB COMPILING STATS FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD. BUT WITH ALL THIS WASTEFUL SPENDING GOING ON, I HOPE IT'S AN ESSENTIAL ONE. WHAT DO YOU COMPILE STATS ON?
BANJO FATALITIES.
I GIVE UP.
MIND IF I CONDUCT SOME FIELD RESEARCH?

HEY, PIG.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M EXHAUSTED.
I JUST CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT.
I USED TO HAVE THAT PROBLEM TOO, FOR ME IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE OPPRESSIVE SILENCE OF THE ROOM.
ME TOO!
IT SCARES ME. THEN I CAN'T SLEEP.
YEAH. WHAT FIXED IT FOR ME WAS TO JUST HAVE SOME WHITE NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND.
THAT WORKS?
IT DID FOR ME.
I'LL TRY IT!
FOOORE!!
SELL MY SHARES! SELL!
LAWN CARE CALLS FOR FUNGUS KILLER!
JAMES? JAMES? SUPPER?
PICK A PIZZA! POUR A DRINK!
POUR A DRINK!
MY WHITES ARE TOO NOISY.

HOW COME SOMETIMES WHEN I TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THING, EVERYTHING TURNS OUT BADLY FOR ME?
NEW, YOU KNOW, PIG, ACTING WITH HONOR IS ITS OWN REWARD. AFTER ALL, WHAT'S LIFE WITHOUT PRINCIPLES?
FUN.
DON'T LISTEN TO---
I WANT THAT!!

HEY, RAT...WHY YOU WEARING AN 'EVEL KNIEVEL' SUIT?
BECAUSE THE CITY INSTALLED LITTLE JUMP RAMPS ON OUR STREET. IF I DRIVE OVER 'EM REALLY FAST, MY CAR ACTUALLY GETS AIR...SO I'M A DAREDEVIL NOW!
THOSE ARE SPEED BUMPS. THEY'RE THERE TO SLOW YOU DOWN.
THEN WHY CALL 'EM SPEED BUMPS?
PLEASE STOP TALKING.
PERHAPS GOAT'S THINKING OF SLOW BUMPS.

MY BUDDY BOB GOT KICKED OUT YESTERDAY FOR TWEETING FROM HERE IN THE DINER.
YEAH, A LOT OF RESTAURANTS NOW ASK YOU TO TURN OFF ALL CELL PHONES AND OTHER DIGITAL DEVICES BECAUSE OF THE NOISE THEY MAKE. AND I HAVE TO AGREE. IT'S RUDE TO YOUR FELLOW DINERS.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BOB?
FORGET IT.
MIND IF I POST YOUR HUMILIATED FACE ON MY TWITTER PAGE?

HEY, GOAT, I THINK YOUR BLOG'S REALLY GAINING AN AUDIENCE...I HEARD A GUY COMMENTING ON IT AT THE CAFÉ YESTERDAY.
YOU'RE KIDDING. WHAT'D HE SAY?
WELL, I MENTIONED YOUR NAME AND TOLD HIM YOU HAD A BLOG, AND HE SAID, "SOUNDS PRETTY BORING."
MUST BE NICE TO GET SOME RECOGNITION.

I'M TIRED OF ROUTINE. I NEED CHANGE.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND? NEW HOBBIES? NEW SHOES?
BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.
I VOTE FOR SHOES.
VOTE FAST. TIME IS PRECIOUS.

GASP! IT?! MY STUPID MUG HAS @#$!*#& LIPSTICK STAINS ON IT.
You know, Rat, there are a lot of expressions that allow you to express your rage without having to resort to profanity.
HEAVENS TO BETSY!
NEVER MIND. NOT QUITE AS !@#$!@# SATISFYING.

WHY DO THEY CALL PHILADELPHIA THE "CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE"?
WELL, AS MOST WORD NERDS, YOU JUST HAVE TO BREAK DOWN THE WORD.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, "PHILO" IS GREEK FOR "TO LOVE"...AND "ADELPHOS" MEANS "BROTHER."
OOOH...THAT'S NEAT! LET ME TRY THAT WITH A WORD!!
SURE.
OKAY..."RA"...WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU MEAN, AS IN THE CHEER, "RAH RAH"?
YEAH.
AG?...THAT'S OFTEN SHORT FOR "AGRICULTURE."
VI"...? THAT MEANS "TO COMPETE."
SO "VIAGRA" IS TO HELP YOU CHEER AT AN AGRICULTURAL COMPETITION?!
MAY I HAVE THAT BACK PLEASE?
I'LL TAKE CHEER AND CHEER GREAT!
I CAN'T DO THIS.

WHAT'S GOING ON, PIG?
THAT PRETTY GIRL ACROSS THE ROOM SMILED AT ME... IT WAS REALLY QUICK AND IT WAS JUST THE CORNER OF HER MOUTH, BUT IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE.
PIG, SHE HAS A TIC.
IS THAT LIKE HAVING FLEAS?
NEVER MIND.
BECAUSE IF SO, I THINK OUR LOVE CAN OVERCOME IT.

WHY IS IT THAT AT A TIME WHEN MOST PEOPLE ARE HURTING ECONOMICALLY, THERE’S THIS CLASS OF SUPER-RICH PEOPLE WHO ARE DOING BETTER THAN EVER… WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
LIKE WRITE YOUR CONGRESSMAN?
LIKE PUSH THEM INTO A LAKE.
TRY YOUR CONGRESSMAN.
FINE. WE’LL PUSH HIM IN TOO.

LOOK AT THIS HOTEL ROOM ON THE
"TRAVEL CHANNEL".
THE BATHROOM HAS A T.V. WHAT A GREAT CONVENIENCE! THAT GIVES ME SOME SUPER DESIGN IDEAS FOR OUR HOUSE.
TO HANG A FLATSCREEN IN OUR BATHROOM?
CLOSE.

LOOKS LIKE THEY FINALLY CAUGHT THAT GUY WHO'S BEEN ROBBING BANKS... IT'S THE BIG HOUSE FOR HIM.
OOOH... DO YOU SUPPOSE IT HAS A NICE STUDY AND PRETTY CURTAINS?
BOOOOOOOOO
THAT'S ABOUT AS FUNNY AS A 'FAMILY CIRCUS' COMIC
IT'S NOT EVERY DAY YOU SEE A COMIC STRIP HECKLED.
HEY... WHY IS THAT AN INSULT?

I DATED THE CUTEST GIRL LAST NIGHT. SHE WAS SMART, INTERESTING, SWEET, EVERYTHING. BUT THEN I TOLD A JOKE.
AND WHAT, SHE DIDN’T LIKE IT?
SHE DID.
HAHA SNOOOOORT
CACKLE CACKLE HOOO
HAWW
GUFFAWW
COUGH COUGH
EEE
FAWWW
HOHOHO
SNOOOOORT
BAD LAUGHS: THE GREAT DEAL-BREAKER.

WELL, GOAT, I'VE FINALLY DECIDED... I'M QUITTING COLD TURKEY.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE YOU QUITTING? COFFEE? TELEVISION?
COLD TURKEY.
NEVER MIND.
YOU DON'T LISTEN WELL.

Okay, zeeba neighba... Seence crocs live right next to freeway, we convenient drive to Home Depot.
So?
So we is go buy springs for Bob feet. Now he jump over you wall. Keel you far face.
SPRUNG
Honk Honk SPLAT
Dat downside living next to freeway.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT.
WRITING IN MY DIARY. I LIKE TO KEEP TRACK OF HOW AWESOME I WAS EACH DAY ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN.
TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN...
TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN...
TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN...
TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN...
IT'S BEEN A GOOD MONTH.