Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GOAT... DID YOU HEAR I'M FIGHTING HARD TO KICK THE CIRCUS OUT OF TOWN?... I DON'T LIKE HOW THEY TREAT THEIR ANIMALS.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. GO FOR THE JUGULAR.
WHY YOU PICKING ON THAT GUY?

GUARD DUCK'S ETIQUETTE PROGRAM
LISTEN, G.D. YESTERDAY YOU ADVISED SOME CALLER TO SHOOT ANY DINNER GUEST WHO ARRIVED TOO EARLY. AND YOU JUST CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT.
UNDERSTOOD, SIR.
GREAT... MAYBE YOU CAN ADDRESS THAT ON THE AIR TODAY.
OF COURSE, SIR.
IN THREE... TWO...
FOLKS, YESTERDAY I ADVISED A CALLER TO SHOOT ANY DINNER GUEST WHO ARRIVED TWO HOURS EARLY... AND THAT WAS WRONG.
SHOOT JUST OVER THEIR HEADS.
STATION BREAK!

GUARD DUCK GOT HIS OWN RADIO CALL-IN SHOW ALL ABOUT ETIQUETTE.
ETIQUETTE? WHAT'S HE KNOW ABOUT ETIQUETTE?
WELL, LIKE TODAY... SOME LISTENER CALLED IN ABOUT HOW TO HANDLE DINNER GUESTS WHO ARRIVE AT YOUR HOUSE TWO HOURS EARLY.
WHAT'D HE SAY?
SHOOT THEM.

HEY, COUNTRY DOCTOR JOE.
HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD, PIG... ALL THEM H.M.O.'S IS BAD.
THEY'RE KILLING ME.
WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
H.M.O.'S... THEY'RE RUININ' MY PRACTICE.
MAKES ME SO MAD I GOTTA CHEW TAB TOBACCO.
THEY REALLY STRESS YOU OUT?
YESSSUH... BUT NOT AS MUCH AS MY STAFF... THEY IS A CIGAR CHEW.
YOU'RE SO STRESSED YOU HAVE TO SMOKE CIGARS?
YUP. BUT AIN'T NOTHIN' AS BAD AS THEM PATIENTS.
THEY IS SO BAD THEY HAVE TO CHEW THE FURRY RUG I HAS ON MY OFFICE FLOUR.
THEY'RE THAT BAD?
JUST LIKE THEY SAY.
WHAT DO THEY SAY?
THAT PATIENTS IS A FUR CHEW.
I VOTE WE EUTHANIZE HIM.

HEY, GOAT, I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY CHIMP FRIEND, CHEAPO CHARLIE.
WHY DO YOU CALL HIM CHEAP?
WELL, LIKE RIGHT NOW, HE’S ONLY EATING HALF A DINNER, JUST SO HE CAN TAKE HOME THE OTHER HALF FOR LATER.
SWUUURP
SOUNDS WISE TO ME. WHY DOES THAT MAKE HIM CHEAP?
IT’S NOT HIS DINNER.
NEVER MIND.
DO YOU MIND?

RAT GOT A JOB AT THE AMUSEMENT PARK DOWNTOWN. HE’S ONE OF THOSE WALK-AROUND CHARACTERS.
WHICH ONE IS HE?
I DON’T KNOW. I THINK THEY LET HIM COME UP WITH HIS OWN…
HIS OWN? WHAT KIND OF LOVABLE CHARACTER COULD RAT DESIGN?
MEET DEPRESSO, THE OVERGROWN SAD KID

HEY, GOAT. WHATCHA WATCHING?
THIS NEW STATION FROM BRITAIN. IT HAS ALL THESE STORIES ABOUT THE CHUNNEL.
WHAT'S THAT?
THE UNDERSEA RAIL TUNNEL THAT SPANS THE ENGLISH CHANNEL. IT'S ALL THIS NETWORK COVERS.
WHAT NETWORK?
THE ENGLISH CHANNEL CHUNNEL CHANNEL.
YOU SAD LITTLE MAN.

DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO HEAVEN?
I KNOW IT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IT?
BECAUSE ONE TIME AT McDONALD'S, I HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR A FAT GUY.
HE MUST BE SO GRATEFUL.
NOT REALLY... HE WALKED SO SLOW I LET THE DOOR CLOSE ON HIM AGAIN.

HEY, RAT. WHERE'S PIG TODAY?
IN HIS ROOM. HE JUST GOT A NEW MATTRESS.
WHAT KIND DID HE GET?
A QUEEN.
SHE'S MORE COMFORTABLE THAN SHE LOOKS.

'SUP, BRO?
NADA, YO. HELLA TIRED, THOUGH. YOU HOOK UP WITH LAUREN ?
I'M SORRY, BUT COULD YOU TWO MOVE?
I THINK I'M BREATHING SOME OF YOUR SECONDHAND STUPIDITY.
PEOPLE CAN BE SO INCONSIDERATE.

EXCUSE ME, RAT, BUT I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET A FRIEND OF MINE.
THIS IS ANTONIO. HE’S A PROFESSIONAL SOCCER PLAYER IN ITALY.
HEY. IT’S NICE TO—
MAMA MIA! MAMA MIA! HE BROKA MY LEG! HE BROKA MY LEG!
NOT ALL EUROPEAN SOCCER PLAYERS FAKE INJURIES.
CAN I BREAK HIS LEG FOR REAL?
PENALTY KICKOS! PENALTY KICKOS!

I NEED TO GO OUT FOR A WHILE. DO YOU THINK YOU TWO CAN PLAY SOMETHING NICE TOGETHER WHILE I'M GONE?
MEOW.
MEOW.
SOMETHING NICER.

HEY, GOAT...HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND BOBBY? HE'S ONE OF THOSE BLOW-UP FISH.
I THINK YOU MEAN PUFFER FISH.
KABOOM
NOPE.

HEY, PIG. IT'S GOAT.
WANT TO GET SOME COFFEE?
I CAN'T. I'M AT OLD MAN JOHNSON'S FARM AND I HAVE A BIT OF A CRISIS ON MY HANDS.
OH MY GOODNESS. WHAT HAPPENED?
THE POOR GUY KICKED THE BUCKET.
HE TOOK IT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT.

HEY THERE, MR. SNUFFLES... WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND?
IT'S A LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT! OH, MR. SNUFFLES, WHY WOULD YOU WRITE SUCH A THING? YOU'RE SO YOUNG, DO YOU REALLY THINK SOMEONE LIKE YOU NEEDS THAT?
YOU ARE NOT KILLING HIM.
GRK*
RFFP*

Hullooo zeeba neighba.
Leesten... want come over, have bite of Happy Meal?
HAPPY MEAL? AS IN THE ONES FROM "McDONALD'S"?
As in prey who die wid smile.
We should have thrown in toy.

I'M EXPANDING PIG'S VOCABULARY. TODAY'S WORD WAS DEFENESTRATION, WHICH MEANS THE ACT OF THROWING SOMEONE OUT A WINDOW.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND IS THE BEST WAY OF TEACHING NEW WORDS?
LEARNING CAN BE A PAINFUL PROCESS.

HUMPTY DUMPTY SAT ON A WALL.
HUMPTY DUMPTY HAD A GREAT FALL.
ALL THE KING'S HORSES AND ALL THE KING'S MEN, COULDN'T PUT HUMPTY TOGETHER AGAIN.
SO HUMPTY SUED THE KING'S MEN FOR MALPRACTICE.
AND SUED THE WALL'S ENGINEER FOR DEFECTIVE DESIGN.
AND SUED FOR NEGLIGENCE.
MAKING HUMPTY RICH.
AND SITTING ON THE WALL DIFFERENT.
WALLS HEIGHT NOT TO EXCEED SIX INCHES!
SITTING FEES REQUIRED
HELMET TO BE WORN AT ALL TIMES!
COMPLIMENTARY HAIR CUSHION
"SIT AT YOUR OWN RISK"
Tighten your strap, Timmy.
MUST SIGN WAIVER
THE LAWYER'S BOOK OF FAIRY TALES GIVES THEM AN UPDATED FEEL.
YAYYY FOR OUR LEGAL SYSTEM!!! YAYYY!!!

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON SUPERSTRING THEORY.
THERE'S A THEORY BEHIND THAT?
OF COURSE. IT'S ONE OF THE MOST INTRIGUING PROBLEMS IN ALL OF PHYSICS.
DON'T YOU JUST POINT THE CAN AND SPRAY?
YOU'RE THINKING OF SILLY STRING.
HEY, MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.

Okay, zeeba neighba. Crocs tried getting laughed at. Decide change image to interdimating warrior guy who wear facepaint.
YOU MEAN LIKE A NATIVE AMERICAN WARRIOR??
Yeah.
No.
Guy look sooooooooo intimidated.

HEY, ZEBRA, I'M AFRAID ONE OF YOUR OUTGOING PACKAGES WAS UNDELIVERABLE... IT JUST SAYS 'TO SOME PLACE VERY FAR AWAY.'
I DIDN'T SEND THAT. WHAT'S IN IT?
Meow.
SNUFFLES!

WHY ARE BALD, SKINNY GUYS WITH GLASSES AND NEATLY TRIMMED BEARDS ALWAYS SO AWKWARD AND LONELY?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. THAT'S WHAT'S CALLED A BLATANT OVER-GENERALIZATION. AND WHEN YOU MAKE A STATEMENT LIKE THAT, IT MAKES YOU LOOK UNINFORMED.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WHY ARE HOMEY GOATS ALWAYS SO ARGUMENTATIVE?

LOOK, PIG... I GOT A REMOTE-CONTROLLED CAR FOR MY CATS TO PLAY WITH.
HOW CUTE. IS IT HELPING SNUFFLES BOND WITH THE NEW KITTY? :)
KSHHH
ZOOOOOOM
NOT SO MUCH.

LOOK, PIG... I GOT A NEW KITTY CAT TO KEEP MR. SNUFFLES COMPANY.
HOW ARE THE TWO OF THEM GETTING ALONG?
THEY'RE ADJUSTING.

Hey, Rat. What's up?
Did you 'poke' me on Facebook?
Yeah. I think I did. Why?
Run Run Run Run Run
KAPOOOSHHH
Poked you back.
Some trends have to be stopped.