Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT.
WRITING IN MY DIARY. I LIKE TO KEEP TRACK OF HOW AWESOME I WAS EACH DAY ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN.
TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN...
TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN...
TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN...
TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN... TEN...
IT'S BEEN A GOOD MONTH.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT LITTLE GIRL WHO'S ALWAYS CRITICIZING STEPHAN'S STRIP ON THE INTERNET?
CARTOON CRITIC 2544? ... SHE STARTED HER OWN BLOG.
WELL THAT'S NICE. MAYBE HAVING HER OWN CREATIVE WORK SUBJECT TO CRITICISM WILL MAKE HER MORE SENSITIVE TO HOW SHE CRITICIZES OTHERS.
I DOUBT IT. I MEAN, WHO'S GONNA RIP ON THE BLOG OF A NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRL?
Worst. Blog. Ever.

LISTEN, CARTOON CRITIC 2544, PLEASE STOP CRITICIZING MY COMIC STRIP... I TRY VERY HARD WITH MY JOKES AND YOU'RE REALLY HURTING MY FEELINGS.
SORRY, BUT I HAVE TO GO PLAY DOLLS NOW.
ANOTHER PROUD STEPHAN MOMENT.
I WANT TO CONTINUE THIS DISCUSSION LATER!!

WHERE'S STEPHAN TODAY?
GOING TO MEET "CARTOON CRITIC 2544," THE GUY WHO RIPS HIM ON INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS. HE TRACKED HIM DOWN BY HIS I.P. ADDRESS.
WHO IS THE GUY?
RIGHT NOW, HE ONLY HAS HIS STREET ADDRESS, BUT HE SUSPECTS HE'S SOME POMPOUS OVERWEIGHT GUY IN HIS MID-50S THAT HE'LL PROBABLY HAVE TO GET ROUGH WITH.
NO.
YES.
AND TODAY'S CARTOON: LAAAAAAAME.

MORNIN', STEPH. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
TERRIFIC, PIG! THE SUN IS SHINNING...
I HAD A GREAT JOG...ATE A TASTY BREAKFAST...
NOW I'M JUST GONNA HOP ON THE INTERNET HERE AND CHECK OUT MY STRIP FOR TODAY AND SEE WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT--
AUGGHHHH!!
YOU
SON OF A
YOU SHOULD STAY OFF THE INTERNET, STEPH.
'CARTOON CRITIC 2544' IS SO HARD TO PLEASE.

DO YOU THINK FAMOUS PEOPLE GOOGLE THEIR OWN NAME TO SEE WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT THEM?
I DOUBT IT. THEY KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING. BUT I BET THE SEMI-FAMOUS DO.
WHO ARE THEY?
PEOPLE IN THE PUBLIC EYE WHO DON'T NECESSARILY GET RECOGNIZED IN THE GROCERY STORE. IF YOU ASK ME, I BET THAT GROUP'S FILLED WITH INSECURE LOSERS WHO GOOGLE THEMSELVES JUST TO FIND OUT WHO'S RIPPING THEM ON INTERNET MESSAGE BOARDS.
CURSE YOU, CARTOONCRITICS24!!

HOW WAS DINNER, PIGITA?
GOOD. BUT IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO POWDER MY NOSE.
SURE. GO AHEAD.
WHERE YOU GOING?
I JUST TOLD YOU... TO POWDER MY NOSE.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DO IT HERE.
NO, I'M NOT GONNA DO IT HERE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO.
BUT I DON'T MIND A LITTLE POWDER.
IT'S NOT A LITTLE POWDER.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S A LOT... YOU CAN STILL--
I HAVE TO USE THE @#$% TOILET!!!
YOU'RE VERY CONFUSING.

LOOK, RAT! IT'S ALICE FROM THE COMIC STRIP "CUL DE SAC," AND SHE'S STANDING ON THAT MANHOLE COVER LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES! HOW COME YOU ALWAYS DO THAT, SWEET L'IL ALICE?
I'VE TRAPPED THE FAMILY CIRCUS KIDS IN HERE.
MY KIND OF GIRL.
IF YOU LET US OUT, WE'LL SHOW YOU OUR DEAD GRANDPA.
SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, JEFFY.

HEY, GOAT. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
YOU’D JUST MAKE FUN OF ME.
NO I WOULDN’T.
A’RIGHT, FINE. IT’S FRANCOIS TRUFFAUT’S ‘400 BLOWS’… OR ‘LES QUATRE CENTS COUPS.’ THIS AND GODARD’S ‘A BOUT DE SOUFFLE’ ESTABLISHED ‘LA NOUVELLE VAGUE’ IN FRANCE.
YOU’RE A FOO FOO FATFACE.
THIS IS WHY WE DON’T HAVE THESE DISCUSSIONS.
OH, SORRY… I SHOULD HAVE SAID ‘LE FATFACE.’

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I THREW A MESSAGE-IN-A-BOTTLE IN THE WATER. I'M HOPING IT REACHES SOME
FAR-OFF CIVILIZATION WHO'LL SEND ME A MESSAGE BACK.
MAYBE THE
RING AROUND
THE TUB
WILL CONTACT
YOU.
WHERE'S A
CURRENT
WHEN YOU
NEED ONE?

OKAY, PIG, WE NEED TO START DIVIDING UP ALL THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES, SO I TOOK THE TIME TO MAKE THIS LIST.
YOU HAVE ME DOING ALL THE CHORES.
NO I DON'T.
THEN WHICH ONES ARE YOURS?
I MAKE THE LIST.
IT DOES TAKE A LOT OF WORK TO WRITE 'PIG' FIFTY TIMES.
YEAH. PUT 'MASSAGE RAT'S WRITING HAND' ON THERE, WILL YOU?

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I GOT A JOB ENTERTAINING LITTLE KIDS AS A BIRTHDAY PARTY CLOWN. HERE, LOOK AT THE COSTUME I MADE...
YOU ARE NOT WEARING THAT TO CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
I CALL MYSELF 'DISTURBO, THE CLOWN YOU DON'T HIRE TWICE.'

I THINK IT'S TIME TO MOVE TO A DIFFERENT PART OF THE COMICS PAGE.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
THIRD PANEL.
IT'S
AND IT USED TO BE SUCH A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD.

RIIINNNGGG...
HELLO, RAT. THIS IS YOUR MOTHER.
Hi Mom What'sup?...
WELL, I'M JUST CALLING TO GIVE YOU SOME SAD NEWS...YOUR AUNT CLAIRE PASSED AWAY LAST--
That's Bad
--WEEK.
I...I JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT THE ADDRESS WHERE YOU CAN SEND FLOWERS AND--
NOPE. I'LL GOOGLE IT.
YOU WHAT?
GottaGo
YOU DON'T HAINT THE
ByNow!
*CLICK*
WHEN YOU'RE OVER YOUR CELL PHONE MINUTES, YOU'RE OVER YOUR CELL PHONE MINUTES.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
EDDIE THE EXCLAMATION POINT. HE'S THE MOST ABUSED AND OVERUSED PUNCTUATION IN THE ENTIRE INTERNET AGE.
OMG!! Just got a Facebook message from Becky!!! LOL!!!! Later, girl!!!!!!
IT'S TAKING A REAL TOLL.

ZZZZZZZ
BANG BANG BANG
HAPPY GARBANZO DAY!!
PLEASE LEAVE.
HE DOESN'T LOOK HAPPY.
WHOA.
YOU SHOT HIS CAR.

DID YOU MAKE
A GARBANZO
COSTUME FOR
TODAY?
I THOUGHT
YOU SAID
GARBANZO
DAY WAS
FRIDAY.
IT IS. BUT THE FESTIVITIES
BEGIN WITH A BIG
MARDI-GARBANZO
PARADE ON THURSDAY.
WHO'S GONNA DRESS
UP FOR THAT?!
NOW YOU'VE
HURT HIS
FEELINGS.
OH,
LORD.
YOU
DON'T
LIKE
MY
GARBANZOS.

HEY, ABOUT YOUR CELEBRATION
OF THE GARBANZO BEAN ON
FRIDAY, YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNOW
THAT HALF THE COUNTRY DOESN'T
EVEN CALL THEM THAT. THEY CALL
THEM 'CHICKPEAS.'
CRACK
IT'S BEST TO DESTROY THESE
SPUNTER MOVEMENTS EARLY.

HEY, BOSS MAN...DO WE GET OFF THURSDAY AND FRIDAY THIS WEEK, OR JUST FRIDAY?
YOU GET OFF NEITHER.
I QUIT.
NO ONE DISRESPECTS
GARBANZO BEAN FRIDAY.

OKAY. WE'VE GOT MOTHER'S DAY, FATHER'S DAY, BLACK HISTORY MONTH, GRANDMOTHER'S DAY, EARTH DAY, HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH, SECRETARY'S DAY AND WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH.
SO-?
SO IS THERE ONE PERSON, THING OR GROUP THAT DOESN'T YET HAVE ITS OWN SPECIAL DAY ON THE CALENDAR?
I DON'T KNOW.
IS THERE?
GARBANZO BEANS.
GOODBYE.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7th IS GARBANZO BEAN DAY!!
ONLY FOUR DAYS TO BUY A CARD!

CAMILLE STOOD ON THE WIND-SWEPT CLIFF, THE NIGHT'S STARS THE ONLY WITNESS TO HER LONELY PLIGHT.
ONE YEAR HAD PASSED SINCE HER LOVER BOARDED THE TRAIN FOR THE WAR.
ONE YEAR OF TEARS AND LONG NIGHTS AND DESPERATE LETTERS.
BUT AS THE SEPARATION GREW, SO DID THE TIME BETWEEN HIS LETTERS, EACH LESS PASSIONATE THAN THE LAST.
NOW, ON THE THRESHOLD OF THE REUNION TO WHICH THEY HAD BOTH COUNTED DOWN THE MINUTES, SHE STOOD UNCERTAIN THAT HE WOULD RETURN TO HER AT ALL.
AND THEN, AT THE HOUR OF THE DARKEST NIGHT OF THE SOUL, A SILHOUETTED FIGURE.
AN ARMY UNIFORM.
A FAMILIAR GAIT.
AND A SMILE ILLUMINATED BY THE STARS.
AND A JOYOUS CALL FROM CAMILLE TO HER LOVE.
SEE, I THINK THE MAN NEEDS A DIFFERENT BRAND.
BEAN DIP!
MARRIAGES ARE SOOOO HARD.
CALL THE CHICK-FRITOS. THEN YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.

HEY, STEPH, WHATCHA READING?
'POGO' BY WALT KELLY… HE WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST CARTOONISTS EVER.
OHH… EVEN I KNOW HIM… HE'S THE GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THAT FAMOUS QUOTE… 'WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY AND HE IS… GUS!'
'US.'
OH… ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT HE HAD AGAINST THAT GUS GUY.

HEY... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU'RE NOT OVERWEIGHT ANYMORE.
YUP. I LOST THE POUNDS. NOW I JUST HAVE TO FINISH THIS BIG BOOK ON HOW I DID IT AND I'LL BE RICH, RICH, RICH.
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE WRITING NOW?
YEAH… IT'S A THREE HUNDRED PAGE MASTERPIECE CONTAINING ALL MY WEIGHT-LOSS SECRETS. HAVE A LOOK...
I ate less.
I PLAN ON USING A VERY LARGE FONT.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
A ROMANCE NOVEL. BUT I'M STRUGGLING WITH THE MAIN CHARACTERS' NAMES. SO FAR ALL I HAVE IS THE WOMAN'S NAME... JULIET.
WELL, JULIET'S A GREAT NAME. HEARKENS BACK TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ROMANCE OF ALL TIME, "ROMEO AND JULIET" BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE... WHAT'S THE MAN'S NAME?
"BEAN DIP."
REALLY KILLS SOME OF THE INTIMATE SCENES.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I GOT FAT.
WHY?
TO GET RICH...SEE, IF YOU'RE FAMOUS AND YOU GET FAT, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET UNFAT AND PEOPLE WILL PAY YOU MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO WRITE A BOOK REVEALING HOW YOU DE-FATTIFIED.
MAYBE YOU COULD START BY USING REAL WORDS.
SHUT UP AND BOOK ME ON 'ELLEN.'
MORE CHEESE-COVERED FRIED 'TWINKIES,' SIR?