Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, ZEBRA, HAVE YOU MET MY NEW FRIEND, "MAGIC BUNNY"? IF YOU GIVE HIM A FIVE DOLLAR BILL, HE CAN MAKE IT DISAPPEAR.
OH, YEAH? THIS I GOTTA SEE.
VIVAAA LAS VEGAS!
GAMBLING IS HIS MAGIC TRICK?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MAGIC TRICKS?
HOW DID HE DO THAT?

HEY, RAT... WE GOT ONE OF
THOSE AUTOMATED PHONE
CALLS FROM THE LIBRARY
SAYING YOU HAVE AN
OVERDUE BOOK. YOU
BETTER RETURN IT.
WHO CARES,
DUDE? IT'S ONE
AUTOMATED
MESSAGE. LET'S
AT LEAST WAIT
'TIL WE GET TWO.
I DON'T THINK WE GET TWO.

HEY, GOAT, I GOT YOUR REPLY
TO THAT JOKE I E-MAILED YOU
AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT
NOTICE YOU USED THAT RATHER
HACKNEYED ACRONYM, 'LOL'.
YEAH. 'LAUGHING
OUT
LOUD.'
WHY?
I'M GONNA STOP THAT ACRONYM
ONE INTERNET USER AT A TIME.

DUVAL STREET, KEY WEST, FLORIDA
THIS IS THE GREATEST TOWN EVER! GREAT BARS! HOT WOMEN! IF ONLY I HAD A SMOOTH WING MAN TO HELP ME WITH THE LADIES...
HIYA, PAL!
WHY DOES THE GOD OF LOVE HATE ME SO?
MAGIPANTS SAYS HELLO.

MAGIPANTS! MAGIPANTS! YOU'RE UNHARMED!!!
I WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU AGAIN! I WILL FLY BACK TO MY VACATION WITH YOU! I WILL WEAR YOU ON MY HEAD IF YOU WANT ME TO! AND I WILL NEVER EVER REMOVE YOU AGAIN!
...SIR, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU PROMISED YOUR PANTS... YOU'RE TAKING THEM OFF OR I AM.
PLEASE, SIR. DON'T MAKE ME GET VIOLENT.

DUDE, THIS KEY WEST VACATION HAS MY BEST IDEA EVER.
YEAH, I-- WAIT! I FORGOT MAGIPANTS!
YOU WHAT?
THE PANTS I SLEEP IN... "MAGIC PANTS!" OR AS I CALL THEM, "MAGIPANTS" THEY ARE THE COMFIEST SLEEPING PANTS OF ALL-TIME! AND THEY ARE BACK AT HOME! ABANDONED!
DUDE, SHUT UP! WE JUST FLEW 3,000 MILES TO GET HERE. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN GO BACK AND GET THEM.
ARE WE THERE YET?
AGAIN, SIR, WE JUST TOOK OFF.

BEHOLD! I, MASTER LINGUIST RAT, SEEK TO TEST THE LINGUISTIC THEORY THAT WHEN PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD, THEY AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME IT IS INAPPROPRIATE.
THUS, I HAVE INVENTED THE PHRASE 'SCHOOP SCHOOP PING-A-PANG BONG', WHICH MEANS 'TO PLAY A VIGOROUS GAME OF MONOPOLY.'
PIG, PLEASE READ THIS NOTE TO THE KIND PERSON NEXT TO YOU.
HELLO, MA'AM. CARE TO COME HOME WITH ME AND SCHOOP SCHOOP PING-A-PANG BONG?
KAPISHHHH
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND 'MONOPOLY.'
RESULT INCONCLUSIVE. MUST TEST ON A GOAT.
CHECK, PLEASE. PIGS DON'T TALK.

I THINK I'M COMPOSED OF TWO SELVES THAT ARE CONSTANTLY AT ODDS WITH EACH OTHER FOR CONTROL OF MY SOUL.
I THINK THOSE TWO SELVES FIGHT IN EACH OF US.
EVIL AND EVILER?
EVIL AND GOOD.
GOOD? OH, WE WIPED HIM OUT YEARS AGO.

Meow.
AWWW… LOOK AT THE CUTE LI’L KITTY… IS HE YOURS?
YES, MA’AM.
Meow.
Meow.
DON’T YOU WONDER WHAT SILLY THINGS A LITTLE KITTY MIGHTY IS TRYING TO TELL US WITH HIS “MEOWS”?
Kill. Fat. Lady.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO EAT AND RUN, MA’AM.
OHHH… I THINK HE LIKES ME.
Meow.

DID YOU KNOW THE ANCIENT GREEKS HAD
A TRADITION OF BREAKING POTTERY AND
GIVING EACH CITIZEN A SHARD ON WHICH
THEY COULD WRITE THE NAME OF ONE
GUY THEY WANTED TO KICK OUT OF THE
CITY? WHOEVER GOT THE MOST
VOTES WAS EXILED.
IS
THAT
TRUE?
YEAH. AND THE GREEK WORD FOR
POTTERY IS "OSTRAKON," WHICH
IS WHERE WE GET THE WORD
"OSTRACIZE"...ISN'T THAT
KSSSHHHH!
THE WORDS, "THAT BORING GOAT,"
WON'T FIT ON MY SHARD.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
ACOUSTIC TILES. PEOPLE USE THEM ON RESTAURANT CEILINGS AND STUFF TO ABSORB SOUND. THAT WAY YOU DON'T HAVE TO HEAR ANY OF THE CHATTER FROM THE IDIOTS SITTING AT THE NEXT TABLE.
BUT I LIKE HEARING THAT CHATTER. IT'S HOW I LEARN THINGS AND MEET A LOT OF NEW PEOPLE.
THIS WILL IMPROVE OUR FRIENDSHIP.

WITH THE READERS' VOTES IN, MELVIN FALLS FROM THE SKY, DESTINED TO DESTROY...
(suspense builds)
KAABOOM
LEMMINGWORTH FEDERAL PRISON
I'M FREE
GUYS! THE STEPH-STER IS BACK!!
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THAT!
I miss Melvin already...

WITH ONLY SECONDS TO GO BEFORE MELVIN'S VEST BOMB EXPLODES, THE CROCS BUST INTO THE POTTY.
HEY! Me no done wid crossword!
IMPROVISING WITH JUNIOR'S SEE-SAW, THEY LAUNCH MELVIN INTO THE SKY.
Whhheeeeeeeee
LEAVING JUST ONE QUESTION... WHERE SHOULD MELVIN LAND?
Somewhwere soft.
SEARCH FOR "AUTHOR STEPHAN PASTIS" ON FACEBOOK TO VOTE... BECAUSE LIVES HANG IN THE BALANCE.

STORY UPDATE
Okay..Uh.. Let's see.. Three letter word beginning with "E"..Clue is "Garden of Eden noourn.."
BOMB ABOUT START FINAL COUNTDOWN, MELVIN!
Hmmm..."Garden of Eden noourn..."
"Garden of Eden noourn..."
YUP!
YOU RIGHT!
Maybe it's about woomun..?
About bomb start final countdown.
Somehow dat not very satisfying.
MYRTE!
GLADYS!
TALUGA?

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I'M GOING AROUND GIVING EACH OF US CLEVER, WELL-THOUGHT-OUT NICKNAMES THAT SOMEHOW REFLECT WHO EACH OF US ARE. MINE IS 'GOD'S GIFT TO THE WORLD.'

WHAT'S MINE?
MR. CRAPPO.

I TRIED TO BE FAIR.

HEY, NEIGHBOR CUARÉ... HOW ARE THINGS?
GREAT. I'M DOING JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF MY WHOLE LIFE.
WHAT'S THAT?
SPENDING ALL DAY DRIVING MY KIDS AROUND IN A MINI-VAN.
I SENSE SARCASM.
OH. WELL, GOTTA GO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
PIG TICKED ME OFF THIS MORNING, SO I'M HOLDING A GRUDGE AS A MEANS OF GETTING HIM BACK.
YOU'RE REALLY AFFECTING HIM.
HAHA HAAA... TAKE THAT, YOU STUPID PIG!

LOOK AT THIS... I'M TRYING TO TAPE DOWN
THE LOOSE BACK OF THE T.V. REMOTE,
BUT THE END OF MY SCOTCH TAPE ROLL
GOT STUCK SOMEWHERE BACK ON THE
ROLL. NOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND
THE END, MUCH LESS PEEL IT OFF.
SO?
SO NOW MY WHOLE WEEK IS RUINED.
HE'S A
TAD TIGHTLY
WOUND.
WELL, TIME
TO DESTROY THE
WHOLE T.V.

Hey, Melvin...Me and Bob no want hurry you potty break, but you has beeg bomb strapped to you.
Hey, when you rush Melvin potty break, Melvin internal organs no work right. Besides, me no done reading newspaper.
Newspaper-? How much you has left?
Juss New York Times crossword puzzle...Sunday eedition.
Dis not gud sign, Bob.
Whoa...Dis one harder den Mondays.

Hey, Larry...
When Melvin's bomb s'pose go off?
Any meenute now.
Dat why we wait here een safety of fraternity house.
Sorry, but me got take qweek potty break.
Dis bad time read on john.

HI, MS. JONES. HAVE YOU MET MY NEIGHBOR BOB'S SON, JOJO? HE'S LEARNING THE KAZOO. HE'S HOPING IT WILL ONE DAY BE A NICE EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY THAT COULD HELP HIS COLLEGE APPLICATION.
SHOW HER, JOJO.
TOOT, TOOT.
THAT'S NICE. THIS IS MY SON, PHILIP. HE VIOLIN.
HE'S ALSO PRESIDENT OF THE STUDENT BODY, THE DEBATE TEAM, AND THE DRAMA CLUB.
WHICH HASN'T STOPPED HIM FROM GETTING A 4.9 G.P.A. AND THE HIGHEST S.A.T. SCORE IN HIS SCHOOL'S HISTORY.
NOT BAD CONSIDERING HE SPENT THE SUMMER SAVING AN ENTIRE AFRICAN NATION FROM STARVATION.
HE IS SUCH A SHOW-OFF.

HEY, GOAT! GOAT! I FINALLY GOT A DATE!
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG! HOW'D THAT COME ABOUT? THE PERSONALS? MATCH.COM?
THE GROCERY STORE.
NEVER MIND.
DOES MATCH.COM SELL FRUIT?

Leesten, Larry... Me no happy you make me volunteer blow self up, and me want you know me is do someting geet even.
Whuh you do..?
Me unfriend you on Facebook.
Dat low blow, Melvin.

Hey, Bob.
When bomb blow up?
Tomorrow at noon, Melvin.
Well, better be quick 'cause
me has busy afternoon.
Melvin seem unclear on concept.

Hey, Melvin. Me do grocery shopping dis week for our Zeeba Zeeba Eata fraternity. And you no do no chore at all.
So?
So strap bomb to youself and blow up wall.
Me feel like you got better part of deal.