Pearls Before Swine | Search

I MISS MY MOTHER.
YOU'LL BE OKAY, PRIVATE. YOU'RE A SURVEILLANCE DRONE NOW.
HOW DOES THAT HELP?
BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA SHOW EVERYONE WHO EVER REJECTED YOU HOW GREAT YOU'VE BECOME. HOW IMPORTANT. HOW WORLDLY... HOW...
TOO.
SOMETIMES IT'S EASIER TO JUST DEMONSTRATE.

HEY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
PLAYING 'TRIVIAL PURSUIT' AGAINST JIMMY THE JELLYFISH.
WHY ARE YOU PLAYING AGAINST JIMMY?
BECAUSE JELLYFISH HAVE NO BRAIN.
WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF TEXAS?
BLUE.
AWW, TOO BAD, JIMMY, YOU LOSE AGAIN.

PIG, I'VE MADE A CHOICE...
ABOUT US. I WOULD LIKE
TO BE... UH... IN A WORD...
WELL... I'LL JUST SAY IT...
CELIBATE!
YAY!
YAY!
YOU'RE
FINE
WITH
THAT?
FINE!
I LOVE
TO CELEBRATE.
LET'S
START
OVER.
WHY?
JOIN
IN!
TOOT
TOOT

HEY, PIG... WHAT'S ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
IT'S A POST-IDIOT. THEY'RE POST-ITS THAT ARE STUCK ON IDIOTS' FOREHEADS TO DESIGNATE THEIR LEVEL OF STUPIDITY. ONE'S THE MOST, UNFORTUNATELY.
OH GREAT. SO NOW EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS DINER CAN JUST AVOID PIG AND BE HAPPY.
LET ME GUESS WHOSE RIDICULOUS IDEA THAT WAS.
IT'S A BRILLIANT IDEA, MOUSEHEAD.
THEY'RE NOT THAT HAPPY...
WHY IS THAT BRILLIANT?
BECAUSE YOU WALK THROUGH LIFE NOT KNOWING WHO THE IDIOTS ARE! THAT GIVES THEM THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE! AND THAT'S HOW THEY RUIN YOUR DAY!
SADLY, I RAN OUT OF POST-ITS.

HEY, RAT, WANT TO MEET MY FRIEND, GREG?
WHERE IS HE?
AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS HOLE.
WHAT'S HE DOING DOWN THERE?
HE'S AN UNDERGROUND ARTIST.
MORE DIRT ON THE CANVAS.

WOULD YOU SAY MY ABILITY TO ANNOY OTHERS IS BEYOND THAT OF ANYONE ELSE ?
ABSOLUTELY.
TOLD YOU I HAVE A SUPERPOWER.
I'M LEAVING.
SEE? MY VERY PRESENCE HAS HURLED HIM FROM THE ROOM.
IT IS A SUPERPOWER!

WELL, SIR, I'VE FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO USE PRIVATE DINKY IN MY ARMY. HE'LL BE A SURVEILLANCE DRONE HOVERING HIGH OVERHEAD.
DOES HE KNOW HOW TO FLY?
PTOO
SORT OF.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAS CHANGED THE MOST SINCE YOU WERE A KID, STEPH?
PARENTING. WHEN I WAS A KID, MY PARENTS WOULD JUST LET ME GO OFF ALONE FOR HOURS.
HECK, I EVEN FLEW CROSS COUNTRY ON MY OWN. LOTS OF KIDS DID. AND NOW, PARENTS NEVER LET THEIR KIDS DO STUFF LIKE THAT. AND WHY NOT? I TURNED OUT OKAY.
NEVER CITE YOURSELF AS AN EXAMPLE OF NORMALCY.
MAYBE YOU FELL AND HIT YOUR HEAD A LOT.

I DON'T GET IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY SOMEONE'S A "SITTING DUCK".
A SITTING DUCK IS JUST SOMEONE WHO'S EASY TO ATTACK. WHY IS THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?
IT'S COUNTER TO MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
GO AHEAD. MAKE MY DAY.

I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS THAT BUGS ME SO MUCH ABOUT YOU, AND I THINK I KNOW THE ANSWER... YOU'RE CONDESCENDING.
THAT'S NOT CORRECT...
BUT YOU TRIED YOUR BEST.
PAT PAT PAT
PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY HEAD.
I'M SORRY. IT'S PROBABLY SORE FROM ALL THAT THINKING.

HEY, PIG. WHY'D YOU NEED ME TO COME OVER?
I CAN'T SLEEP.
WHY NOT?
RAT SAID THAT IF YOU'RE BAD IN LIFE, YOU'RE FORCED TO LISTEN TO NOTHING BUT POLKA MUSIC WHEN YOU DIE.
THAT'S NOT TRUE, PIG. HE JUST SAYS STUFF LIKE THAT TO MESS WITH YOU.
YEAH.. HOW SILLY.
NOW YOU GET SOME SLEEP AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.
THANKS, GOAT... YOU CAN TURN OFF THE LIGHTS ON YOUR WAY OUT.
PIG?
GOAT? YOU STILL HERE?
*CLICK*
OUT!
WHAT? I'M JUST SINGING HIM A LULLABY.
AWAY WITH YE, SATAN! AWAY!!!

WHAT DOES IT MEAN WHEN PEOPLE SAY THINGS AREN'T WHAT THEY APPEAR TO BE?
WELL, TAKE THAT GIRL OVER THERE.
WHAT ABOUT HER?
SHE APPEARS TO BE LISTENING TO MUSIC ON HER iPOD. BUT SHE'S NOT. SHE JUST KEEPS THOSE EARBUDS IN HER EARS TO KEEP LOSERS SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO FROM TALKING TO HER.
OHHH, THAT'S NOT TRUE, IS IT?
LA LA LA LA LA LA-LA-LA-LA
LISTENING TO MUSIC... CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

HEY, RAT, IF YOU'RE GONNA COME OVER AND EAT MY CHIPS, PUT THIS BAG CLIP ON THEM WHEN YOU'RE DONE SO THE CHIPS STAY FRESH.
CONSIDER IT DONE.
GREAT. SO YOU'LL DO IT.
NO. I JUST WANT YOU TO CONSIDER IT DONE SO YOU'LL STOP WHINING LIKE AN OVERSENSITIVE NINNY.
GIVE 'EM BACK.
CONSIDER IT DONE.

WOW. LOOK AT THAT WOMAN'S GREAT JUGS.
PIG, THAT'S RIDICULOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE. GO SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
SORRY.
FOR WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I GIVE UP.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, I HEAR YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW.
YEP. AND TO RELAX, I'M TAKING ALL MY GROOMSMEN TO PLAY SOME GOLF FOR A LITTLE FRIENDLY WAGER. I COULD REALLY USE THE CASH.
THAT'S GREAT! MAY THE BEST MAN WIN!
WHY YOU ROOTING FOR HIM?

HEY, CHECK IT OUT, RAT...WE'RE SCRUNCHING THE STRIP VERTICALLY.
WHAT FOR?
IT CREATES SPACE ABOVE THE STRIP FOR NEWSPAPER READERS TO WRITE NOTES AND STUFF. THAT WAY, MAYBE A HUSBAND AND WIFE COULD COMMUNICATE WITH EACH OTHER IN THE MORNING WITHOUT HAVING TO WASTE EXTRA PAPER.
WHAT DO THEY NEED TO COMMUNICATE ABOUT?
HONEY, DON'T READ THIS STRIP. IT'S NOT FUNNY.
OH, THAT WORKED OUT WELL.
HEY! I THOUGHT IT WAS CLEVER!

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT LIFE IS FUNDAMENTALLY BAD.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE WE HAVE A TYPE OF MUSIC CALLED 'THE BLUES'.
SO?
SO WE HAVE NOTHING CALLED 'THE HAPPIES'.
READING NOW.
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE THE 'JUST GETTING BYS'!!

YOU ENJOYING THE COAST, PIGITA?
NOT REALLY.
I THOUGHT YOU LIKED IT HERE.
I DO. AND I LIKE STARING OUT AT THE BOATS. I THINK IT'S JUST THE SAND IN MY TOES I DON'T LIKE.
OH.
I'M SORRY. I'M JUST NOT A BEACHY KIND OF GIRL.
WOULD YOU RATHER WALK AROUND THE PORT?
OH, I LOVE PORTS.
SO YOU'RE MORE OF A PORTLY KIND OF GIRL.
MAYBE WE SHOULD AVOID THE COAST ENTIRELY.

HEY, GOAT,
WANT TO SEE
AN ANIMATED
MOVIE WITH
ME AND RAT?
I GUESS. BUT WHY'S
RAT CARRYING A
BOOK OF RUSSIAN
PLAYS?
BECAUSE ALL ANIMATED MOVIES HAVE
SICKENINGLY SWEET ENDINGS. AND ALL
RUSSIAN PLAYS END WITH SOMEONE
SHOOTING THEMSELVES. SO WHEN THE FILM
NEARS ITS SACCHARINE END, I JUST
STAND AND READ THE LAST PAGE OF THE
PLAY ALOUD, THEREBY KEEPING THE
WHOLE UNIVERSE IN BALANCE.
OH.
THAT
MUST
BE
HEART-
WARMING.
IT IS? THEN
LISTEN TO THIS...
AND IVAN
SHOT HIMSELF.
THE END.
AWW...
POOR
LIL'
IVAN.

HI, MOM... IT'S ME, PIG... I'M TIRED OF YOU CONTROLLING MY LIFE, SO I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND DECLARE MY INDEPENDENCE FROM YOU IN A VOICE THE WHOLE WORLD CAN HEAR.
SHE SAID TO PUT ON A JACKET.

HEY, MOM, WHY DID YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?
TO EXPRESS MYSELF BETTER.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, SWEETIE, PRETEND FOR A MOMENT THAT I WANTED TO TELL YOU THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL LIFE, BUT I HAVE MY OLD HAIR.
OKAY.
OKAY...THE SECRET OF A SUCCESSFUL LIFE IS
SPEECH BALLOON INTERFERENCE.
THE CURSE OF THE BIG-HAIRED WOMAN.

WELL, GUYS, I'M OFF. TODAY IS MY FAMILY'S ANNUAL POTATO SACK RACE. IT'S SORT OF A TRADITION.
WHAT'S "TRADITION?"
TRADITION IS THE REASON FOR DOING SOMETHING YOU CAN NO LONGER THINK OF A REASON FOR DOING.
I HATE IT WHEN I AGREE WITH YOU.
SO THAT'S WHY WE STILL SEE OUR ANNOYING FAMILY.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S IT TAKE
TO BE A SYNDICATED CARTOONIST?
IS IT BEING A GOOD WRITER?
KNOWING A LOT OF JOKES?
HAVING THE RIGHT PEN?
WELL, PIG, YOU
HAVE TO --
-- BE A LONELY NERD IN HIGH SCHOOL
WHO SPENT ALL HIS TIME DRAWING
BECAUSE HE HAD NO FRIENDS AND
COULDN'T ATTRACT GIRLS.
WE DO HAVE FEELINGS, YOU KNOW.
FEELINGS, SURE.
IT'S DATES YOU
COULDN'T GET.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST... DO YOU PRAY? SOME PEOPLE THINK IT HELPS TO KEEP A GUY HUMBLE..
I DO, AS A MATTER OF FACT.
THAT'S GREAT. WHO DO YOU PRAY TO?
MYSELF, FOR I AM A GOD ON THIS EARTH.
CYCLISTS ARE A UNIQUE BUNCH.
LEMME GUESS... FATTY MC FAT FAT WANTS TO PRAY TO ME.

WHERE ARE YOU, RAT? YOU PROMISED TO HELP PIG AND ME CLEAN OUT MY GARAGE.
I'M LYING ON MY GRAVE WITH A BEER ON MY BELLY.
WHY?
NASA. NASA?
NASA ISSUED A REPORT SAYING THERE ARE CURRENTLY 47,000 ASTEROIDS THAT ARE BIG ENOUGH AND CLOSE ENOUGH TO POSE A THREAT TO EARTH.
SO EVERYTHING'S POINTLESS. GOODBYE.
SO YOU'RE GONNA LEAVE THE ENTIRE JOB TO ME AND PIG?
DUH.
HE'S CLEARLY LOST ALL PERSPECTIVE.