Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hullooo, zeeba neighba, leestn... Crocs buy eeendustrial strengf trash compakker.
WHAT FOR?
Shove you eenside. Crush you like Hefty bag.
DO YOU THINK THAT CAN CRUSH AN ANIMAL MY SIZE?
Do me trink? Me know. Me and Burt be like professional scientist. Did many test.
WHERE'S BURT?
He scream a lot for professional scientist.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING PING PONG WITH RAT.
BUT HE'S JUST SMASHING THE BALL INTO YOUR FACE.
YEAH. RAT SAYS THE "PING" IS WHEN YOU HIT IT WITH THE PADDLE. BUT THE "PONG" IS WHEN YOU SMASH SOMEONE'S FACE. OTHERWISE, HE SAYS IT'D BE CALLED 'PING PING'.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU PLAY--
MAY I ONE DAY BE A PINGER?
A PONGER BE A PINGER? NOW I HAVE TO PADDLE YOU FOR ASKING.

HEY, RAT, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOU'RE NOT EATING YOUR SOUP THE RIGHT WAY...WHEN YOU DIP THE SPOON, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MOVE IT AWAY FROM YOU, NOT TOWARD YOU.
LIKE THAT?
NOT QUITE.
SHOULD I TRY AGAIN, MISS MANNERS?

HEY, PAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET OUR NEWEST CHARACTER, MIKEY THE MOUSE.
THAT'S IT?... HE'S JUST A MOUSE? NO WEIRD FREAKISH TRAIT LIKE ALL OUR OTHER CHARACTERS?
FOOSHHH
HE DOES SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST.
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
FEEL FREE TO ROAST MARSHMALLOWS.

I JUST READ THOMAS MANN'S NOVEL 'DEATH IN VENICE.'
GREAT. THAT'S A REAL CLASSIC.
OH. AND I CAN SEE WHY. MAN GOES TO VENICE. MAN DIES.
A CLASSIC!!!
MAYBE GREAT LITERATURE ISN'T YOUR THING.
SO IS 'CLASSIC' CODE FOR BORING AND SUCKY?

Hullo zeeba neighba.
Leesten. You got long arms? Me drop keys through grate.
OH, YOU MEAN THE SEWER GRATE?
Barbecue.
Dat guy never helpful.

I HATE EVERYBODY.
I HATE EVERYTHING.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE SO UNHAPPY, YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT MOVING ABROAD.
DIDN'T HELP.

WHO WERE YOU YELLING AT ON THE PHONE?
THE PEOPLE WHO COLOR MY SUNDAY STRIPS.
I THOUGHT YOU COLORED THEM.
WELL, I DO. BUT THEN MY COLOR FILE GETS SENT TO SOME COMPANY THAT LIKES TO REFORMAT IT FOR THE COLOR PAPERS LIKE THE SUNDAY PAPER.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.
DON'T BOTHER, REALLY. ALL I KNOW IS THAT THOSE GUYS ARE ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE COLOR THAT APPEARS IN THE SUNDAY STRIP.
WHY'D YOU GET TICKED AT THEM?
THEY TOOK OUR STRIP A FEW WEEKS AGO AND TOLD ME TO BE MORE CAREFUL.
WILL THEY LISTEN?
OH, YEAH, LISTEN, ALL RIGHT. DEAR EDITOR... THIS IS STEPHAN PASTIS... DARN IT. I THINK THAT REALLY INTIMIDATED THEM.
IT SURE DID.
I'LL GET THEM FOR THIS.
WHOA, HE MUST BE MORE BUZZED ON THE INK.

LOOK AT ALL THIS E-MAIL. I'VE GOT HUNDREDS I HAVEN'T EVEN READ.
HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO ALL THOSE?
WELL, ONE LITTLE SHORTCUT I'VE LEARNED IS TO FIRST CLICK THE 'SELECT ALL' FEATURE.
THEN WHAT?
[Delete]
IT'S A BIG TIME-SAVER.

HEY, RAT...
HOW COME PIG
WASN'T AT THE
DINER THIS
MORNING?
HE
HAS
GOOSEBUMPS.
SINCE WHEN DO GOOSEBUMPS KEEP SOMEONE FROM GOING OUT FOR COFFEE?
NEXT TIME PAY YOUR DEBTS.
NEVER
MIND.
LOOK...IT'S A
GOOSEKICKTOTHE-
GROIN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO FIND KLEENEX BOB. HE'S THE LITTLE MAN IN THE KLEENEX BOX WHO RADIO BACK TO HEADQUARTERS WHENEVER YOU TAKE OUT A KLEENEX.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT'S HOW KLEENEX HEADQUARTERS KNOWS TO POP THE NEXT KLEENEX OUT OF THE BOX! HE'S A CRITICAL PART OF THE OPERATION! AND I CAN'T FIND HIM ANYWHERE! BECAUSE HE'S LOST! LOST!
I THINK I'LL SHOW MYSELF OUT.
SHHH. SENDING IN A SEARCH PARTY.

HEY, GOAT. SORRY THAT YESTERDAY I WAS SO AMAZED AT HOW WHEN YOU PULL A KLEENEX OUT OF THE BOX, THE NEXT ONE AUTOMATICALLY APPEARS. RAT EXPLAINED TO ME HOW THEY DO IT.
THAT'S O.K., PIG... AT LEAST NOW YOU UNDERSTAND.
YEAH. BUT HOW DO THEY GET THAT LITTLE MAN IN THERE WHO RADIOS BACK TO KLEENEX HEADQUARTERS?
HE'S VERY SMALL.
DO YOU NEED FOOD?!
CHECK, PLEASE.

WITH ALL THESE NEW TECHNOLOGIES COMING OUT EVERY DAY, DOESN'T IT SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE WE'RE LIVING IN AN AGE OF MIRACLES?
OH, YEAH. LIKE HOW WHEN YOU PULL OUT A KLEENEX, THE NEXT ONE MIRACULOUSLY APPEARS?
NO.
HOW DO THEY DO IT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
JUST GETTING OUTSIDE FOR A CHANGE... ENJOYING NATURE... IT'S SO PEACEFUL... SO HARMONIOUS. THE BIRDS, THE FISH, THE INSECTS...
ALL OF WHOM ARE TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER.
LET'S NEVER LEAVE THE LIVING ROOM AGAIN.

DONNY DONKEY NEEDED HELP.
So Danny Donkey bought a treehouse at a very tall tree.
"You should invite the entire neighborhood to a housewarming party," said Danny's perky real estate agent. "Then you'll have good relationships with all your neighbors."
So Danny Donkey invited all his neighbors to a housewarming party.
Which went well until he ran out of champagne.
YOU RUN OUT OF CHAMPAGNE! WE HATE YOU!
So Danny excused himself to buy more champagne.
And chopped down the tree.
"Now I have good relationships with all my neighbors," exclaimed Donny Donkey.
SO REMEMBER, KIDS, IT'S NOT GOOD FENCES THAT MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS. IT'S DECEASED NEIGHBORS THAT MAKE GOOD NEIGHBORS.
ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE AT "Xs" FUNERALS OR JUST NAPPING?

STORY UPDATE
Larry and Bob have bought the hardest toilet paper they can find to bash Zebra over the head while he is on a date at a restaurant.
Okay, Larry, me behind Zeeba booth holding seecret weapon.
Okay. Time bash Zeeba's soft skull. End years of croc misery. God bless you face.
KEEL
We got teehnkeal deeficultees, Larry.

Unable to pull off the “Godfather”-style hit on Zebra with extra-soft toilet paper, the crocs send Bob out for a better weapon... regular toilet paper.
Me not want do dis, Larry. Ees humiliating buy T.P.
Shut face, Bob. Peoples buy T.P. all time.
HEY, YOU KNOW, THERE’S A TWO-FOR-ONE SALE ON THAT... LET ME JUST GET SOMEONE TO—
NO NO NO NO NO NO
CAN I GET ONE PACK OF REGULAR TOILET PAPER FOR A CUSTOMER ON AISLE TWO WHOSE RUMPUS MUST NOT BE EXTRA-SENSITIVE?
YOU MISTER HARD-
NO NO NO
You not know nutting.
PLEASE TAKE YOUR TOILET PAPER, CAPTAIN STONE CHEEKS!

How me 'spose hit zeeba wid toilet paper?
Zeeba have thin skull. Toilet paper bust right t'roo.
Eef you say so. But me gonna grab rest of package just een case it... UH OH!
Whuh? Whuh?
Ees Esstra Soft.
ABORT! ABORT!

WHO YOU TALKING TO, LARRY?
Bob. He gonna keel Zeeba at ressaurant. We geet idea from scene in Godfather.
THE SCENE WHERE MICHAEL GOES TO THE BATHROOM TO GET A GUN AND THEN SHOOTS THE COP?
Yeah. Dat where we learn guns come from bathroom.
GUNS DON'T COME FROM BATHROOMS, LARRY. SOMEONE PUT IT THERE IN FIRST PLACE FOR MICHAEL TO FIND LATER... SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU SENT BOB TO THE RESTAURANT AND HAVE NO GUN WAITING FOR HIM IN THE BATHROOM?
SHUT UP, MOUSE. LARRY HAVE BACKUP PLAN!
Whuh you mean, beat Zeeba wid toilet paper roll?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. I HAVE A BIG DATE TONIGHT AND I'VE GOT THIS ONE EAR STICKING UP.
COVER IT UP WITH SOMETHING.
LIKE WHAT? I DON'T WANT TO WEAR SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA MAKE ME FEEL EVEN MORE AWKWARD.
I HAVE SOMETHING. AND IT WON'T MAKE YOU FEEL AWKWARD.
I FEEL AWKWARD.
HEY... HOPE YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM FIRST.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?
SLEPT ON MY EAR FUNNY. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT.
SORRY.
IT'S OKAY.
JUST TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, PIG?
SOME OF MY PEZ COLLECTION.
OH, YEAH. IT'S GREAT TRYING TO COLLECT THE BEST PEZES.
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR?
THE ONES WITH THE MOST 'PEZNESS.'
WHAT'S THAT?
PROPER HEAD-TO-BODY RATIO, COLOR, AND MOST OF ALL, RARITY.
AND WHICH ONES HAVE ALL THAT?
"PEZNESS"? GOSH, HULK, MY YODA, THE TIN MAN, MY WILLIAM SHATNER, BUT THE BEST IS THE OPENING OF THE BRITISH STAND-UP COMIC MARGARET CHO. ALMOST NO ONE HAS IT.
THAT'S
GGOOD
GGOD
GOOD?
THERE'S NNOOOO PEZNESS LIKE CHO PEZNESS!
I MADE IT USING HIS ACTUAL HEAD.

WHY DO PEOPLE HATE EACH OTHER OVER RACIAL AND RELIGIOUS AND POLITICAL DIFFERENCES WHEN IT'S SO OBVIOUS THAT FUNDAMENTALLY THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE?
WHICH ARE WHAT?
GOOD PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WHO USE THE WORD 'WHOM'.
TO WHOM ARE YOU REFERRING?
WHOMER, REPENT!

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE HAS TO SPEND EASTER WITH HIS FAMILY.
I THOUGHT HE HATED SPENDING HOLIDAYS WITH HIS FAMILY.
HE DOES, BUT HE SAYS HE HAS A WAY OF DEALING WITH IT NOW.
WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
STUDYING HOW TO BE A KNIGHT FROM THE MIDDLE AGES. THESE GUYS HATED TALKING TO THE IDIOTS AROUND THEM SO MUCH THAT THEY HID INSIDE A SUIT OF METAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THAT'S NOT WHY KNIGHTS WORE ARMOR. THEY WORE IT BECAUSE ---
THAT'S RATHER RUDE.
NUTS. I CAN STILL HEAR YE.