Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hey Zeebs... Crocs make you ice cream cake to say we truly sorry for past meatstake... Oh, no. Ice cream melting and me no can fit through bars.
Oh, well. Guess you has to open gate.
He no leesten gud.

HEY...
WHAT THE
@#$%^
* IS
THIS!
A WALL TO KEEP THE COPS OUT... AND THAT'S A SECURITY GATE. I HAD THIS MAN INSTALL. IT CAN ONLY BE OPENED BY ENTERING THE TOP-SECRET SECURITY PASSWORD.
SO IS IT "1-2-3-4", "PASSWORD", OR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
WE SHOULD CHANGE THE TOP-SECRET SECURITY CODE.

WELL, SHOULD WE TRY IT?
I DON'T KNOW. LET ME LISTEN TO YOU.
"DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPERATE BEFORE READING THIS MANUAL."
"NEVER LEAVE THIS PRODUCT UNATTENDED WHEN IN USE."
"ALWAYS KEEP HANDS AND HAIR AWAY FROM MOVING PARTS."
"STEEL CUTTING ATTACHMENT IS USED TO MANUFACTURE PRODUCT COULD RESULT IN SHARP EDGES. TAKE CARE IN HANDLING."
"USE EXTREME CAUTION WHEN MOVING THE PRODUCT."
"VERY HIGH TEMPERATURES ARE REACHED DURING USE. TAKE EXTREME CARE. PRODUCT REMAINS HOT AFTER PRODUCT IS IN USE."
"DO NOT OPERATE NEAR DRAPES, CURTAINS OR WALLS, AS FIRE AND SUBSTANTIAL PROPERTY DAMAGE MAY RESULT."
"FAILURE ON THE PART OF THE USER TO ADHERE TO THESE WARNINGS COULD RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH OF THE USER."
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO AFRAID OF A TOASTER.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
OH. I LOST IT YEARS AGO.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU LEFT IT LAST?
LET'S STOP TALKING.
HAVE YOU TRIED RE-TRACING YOUR STEPS?

I'VE REALLY HAD A WONDERFUL TIME WITH YOU TONIGHT, PIG... THANKS FOR TAKING ME OUT..
YOU'RE WELCOME, PIGITA. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME BACK TO MY CRIB~
SURE, PIG. I'D ENJOY THAT.
I'D LIKE TO GO HOME NOW.

DID YOU SEE THE VACATION PHOTOS I POSTED ON "FACEBOOK"?
NO. I CAN'T. WE ARE NOT "FACEBOOK" FRIENDS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE WERE FRIENDS YESTERDAY.
YES...I REMOVED YOU FROM MY FRIEND LIST THIS MORNING.
WHY?
I CALL IT 'CULLING THE HERD.'
I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR CATTLE.
NOT NOW YOU'RE NOT.

WHAT ARE THE CROCS DOING?
THEY WANT ME TO GET RID OF MY WALL, SO THEY HIRED A POLITICAL CONSULTANT TO HELP THEM FIGURE OUT THE MOST EFFECTIVE APPROACH.
MEESTER ZEEBACIEV, TEAR DOWN DIS WALL!!
DID RONALD REAGAN CONCLUDE BY THROWING BEER CANS?
HEY! RECYCLE THOSE!

DID YOU HEAR THOSE TREEHOUSE KIDS BUILT A BIG WALL FOR ZEBRA?
YEAH. I MET THEM. THEY'RE SUCH GOOD, DEPENDABLE KIDS. ZEBRA AND I REALLY SWEAR BY THEM.
THAT'S WRONG.
WHAT'S WRONG?
TEACHING PROFANITY TO LITTLE KIDS.
NEVER MIND.
SORRY. I'VE GOT A FOUL-MOUTHED FRIEND.

WUH YOU TINK YOU DOEENG?
BUILDING THE WALL HIGHER. I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS YEARS AGO.
BUT YOU HURTEENG OUR RELATHUNSHEEP.
RELATHUNSHEEP? YOU JUST KEPT TRYING TO KEEL ME.
TRY TO FOCUS ON DA GUD TIMES.

The sheep were angry.
Angry about their old barn. Angry about their bad food. Angry about getting sheared.
"Let's band together and tell Farmer Bob how we feel," said Stevie Sheep. "For together we are strong."
And so all the sheep marched together to see Farmer Bob.
"What the #@%& do you want?" asked Farmer Bob, holding out the biggest pair of shears ever seen by sheep or man.
"Me and my united sheep brothers here need to talk with you some demands," said Stevie Sheep.
"What sheep brothers?" asked Farmer Bob.
Stevie Sheep was sheared like he was never there.
"This is your "GUIDE TO BEING A TEAM PLAYER". SO REMEMBER KIDS...NEVER BE THE ONE TO SPEAK UP."
THE OTHERS ARE JUST NOT SAYING A LOT.

Hey... Whuh da heck dis stoopid ting?
I enlarged the wall separating our properties. I couldn’t have done it myself, of course. I got some help from some volunteers.
HI, DISGRACED VICE PRESIDENT LARRY.
Dis very upsetting storyline.

Hey. Whuh dis stoopid wall doing here?
IT'S MORE PROTECTION FROM YOU PREDATORS.
Who want talk staring over stoopid wall?
MIND KEEPING IT DOWN?
Who Meester Beeg Head?

MR. JURY FOREMAN, HOW DOES THE JURY RULE?
GUILTY AS GUILTY CAN BE, YOUR HONOR.
YESS...! MR. PASTIS, YOU ARE SENTENCED TO LIFE IN FEDERAL PRISON. YOU WILL HEREBY SURRENDER YOUR PEN AND PAPER, AND YOUR STRIP WILL BE REPLACED EVERYWHERE BY THE COMIC "PLUGGERS!"
BUT YOUR HONOR, I HAVE A SERIES OF CROC STRIPS LEFT. CAN I AT LEAST RUN THEM?
THAT WOULD BE UP TO THE "PLUGGERS" FOLK.
GO FOR IT.
THANK YOU, MR. PLUGGER.
A plugger is someone who lets a condemned man run a few stupid croc strips.

STEPHAN'S FEDERAL TRIAL
RAT! WHERE ARE YOU? TODAY'S THE DAY FOR CLOSING ARGUMENTS AND YOU'RE MY LAWYER!
SORRY. CAN'T MAKE IT. I'M UNDER A BIT OF A TIME CONSTRAINT.
TIME CONSTRAINT?! WHAT TIME CONSTRAINT?!
TO FINISH THE BEER IN MY COOLER BEFORE IT GETS WARM.
I'M FACING LIFE IN PRISON.
AND I'M FACING WARM BEER. PLEASE, MAN, PRIORITIZE.

OKAY, JUST TO PREPARE YOU, THE GOVERNMENT'S NEXT WITNESS IS REALLY GONNA TRY TO TEAR YOU APART. HE'S GONNA TELL THE JURY YOU'RE A LIAR AND A FRAUD AND THAT YOU SHOULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BEHIND BARS.
OH, GREAT...WHO IS IT?
DO YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?
OH, BOY, DO I!

MR. PASTIS, TELL THE JURY IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHY THEY SHOULD REFRAIN FROM THROWING YOU IN THE CLINK.
WELL... I DO THESE ELABORATE PUN STRIPS AND I THINK THEY'RE SORT OF POPULAR. AND IF I WAS PUT AWAY FOR LIFE, THERE'D NEVER BE ANOTHER ONE.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
YAAAAY
YAAAY
I GIVE UP.

CABLE'S OUT AGAIN.
THAT DOES IT. I'M GONNA CALL THOSE CABLE IDIOTS AND RIP INTO 'EM.
BOMBAY CABLE. HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
IS THIS A LIVE PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY?
YEP.
NO 'PRESS #1 FOR THIS. PRESS #2 FOR THAT AND THEN BEING ON HOLD FOR AN HOUR?'
NOPE. YEAH, I BET YOU STILL CAN'T GET OUT HERE TILL NEXT WEEK.
NO, THANK YOU. WE CAN BE THERE TODAY.
REALLY?
REALLY. IN FACT, THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS GIVE ME A FOUR-HOUR WINDOW IN WHICH YOU MIGHT BE HERE?
NOPE. WE'LL BE THERE AT 3:00 P.M. ON THE DOT.
AN EXACT TIME?
YEP.
IS THIS A DREAM?
YEP.
OH. OKAY.
zzzz...

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, I KNOW THE TRIAL ISN'T GOING GREAT, STEPH, AND JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF YOU NEED, YOU KNOW, MORAL SUPPORT, YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS WHO CAN--
LIGHT THIS PLACE UP LIKE A $&*#@ING CHRISTMAS TREE.
I DON'T KNOW YOU...I DON'T KNOW YOU...I DON'T--
THAT'S GUARD DUCK AND HIS R.P.G., SILLY.
YEAH, AND IT WAS NOT EASY GETTING THIS PUPPY THROUGH THE METAL DETECTORS.

STEPHAN'S FEDERAL TRIAL
THAT ONE JUROR YOU SELECTED SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR. DO I KNOW HIM?
THAT'S JEFF KEANE, THE CREATOR OF THE FAMILY CIRCUS. THAT STRIP YOU MOCK.
SHOOT THE SON OF A @*%&~!!
I THINK YOU'VE MADE A TACTICAL ERROR.
OOPSY DOOPSIES.

STEPHAN’S FEDERAL TRIAL
YOUR HONOR, MY IDIOT CLIENT WOULD
LIKE ME TO WITHDRAW OUR REQUEST
FOR THE DEATH PENALTY. INSTEAD, HE’D
LIKE ME TO CALL OUR FIRST CHARACTER
WITNESS, HIS MOTHER PATTI.
I DON’T LIKE HIM.
NO ONE’S ASKED
YOU A QUESTION
YET, MS. PASTIS.
OH…WELL, I
STILL DON’T
LIKE HIM.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE MY LAWYER.
CHILL, TOON BOY. YOU'RE IN THE HANDS OF A PRO.
AND HOW DOES THE DEFENDANT PLEAD?
GUILTY, YOUR HONOR. AND WE'D LIKE TO ASK FOR THE DEATH PENALTY.
THE WHAT??!!
YEAH... I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT.

HEY, PRISON BOY...THE
COURT'S APPOINTED YOU
A LAWYER FOR YOUR
TRIAL.
I THOUGHT
I WAS
GONNA HAVE
TO REPRESENT
MYSELF.
I'LL REPRESENT
MYSELF.
HELLO...WE'D
LIKE TO PLEAD
MORONITY.

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
Per the plea agreement with Stephan Pastis, last week's strips were to be family-friendly.
Instead, they depicted an inebriated mother, a sociopathic frog, and Dennis the Menace as an arsonist.
As these offensive strips contained everything but a gun-toting, Communist monkey, the strip has been handed over to a guest artist, and Stephan's bail has been set at one million dollars.
Make that two million.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, GOAT?
OATMEAL FROM THIS NEW COMPANY... IT'S FROM ONLY THE FRESHEST OATS.
WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT?
BECAUSE WHEN OTHER COMPANIES USE OLD OATS, THE TASTE IS NOT AS GOOD.
THEN WHY DO THEY USE THEM?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT MAYBE THAT WOULD BE A GOOD SLOGAN FOR THIS NEW COMPANY. THEY'RE HOLDING A CONTEST.
YEAH. IT COULD JUST SAY 'MY 'WHY OLD OATS?'
YEAH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT IT ON AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING AND TAKE A PHOTO OF IT.
I'LL GET MY NEEDLE AND THREAD AND START RIGHT NOW!
HELLO, PIG. I CAME BY TO SEE IF YOU'D LIKE TO GO TO DINNER WITH ME.
OH. HI, PIGITA.
CAN'T... I'M ABOUT TO SEW MY 'WHY OLD OATS?'
MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOT VERY SUPPORTIVE.

I HEAR DENNIS THE MENACE SET FIRE TO YOUR HOUSE... SOUNDS LIKE YOUR NEW "FAMILY STRIP" IDEA'S GOING GREAT.
LISTEN, MOM-- I HAD A NICE TALK WITH THE YOUNG MAN AND I TOLD HIM HE NEEDED TO ACT MUCH, MUCH BETTER.
MAYBE TOO MUCH.
HEY, DENNIS, GO BACK TO BURNING DOWN MY HOUSE.
HERE, LET ME LEAVE YOU WITH SOME LITERATURE.