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I HEAR DENNIS THE MENACE SET FIRE TO YOUR HOUSE... SOUNDS LIKE YOUR NEW "FAMILY STRIP" IDEA'S GOING GREAT.
LISTEN, MOM-- I HAD A NICE TALK WITH THE YOUNG MAN AND I TOLD HIM HE NEEDED TO ACT MUCH, MUCH BETTER.
MAYBE TOO MUCH.
HEY, DENNIS, GO BACK TO BURNING DOWN MY HOUSE.
HERE, LET ME LEAVE YOU WITH SOME LITERATURE.

HEY, STEPH, SINCE WE'RE A FAMILY STRIP NOW, WE SHOULD HAVE A CUTE PET! HOW 'BOUT MY FROG, VITO?
THANKS, PIG. BUT A FAMILY STRIP NEEDS A CUTE LIL' CAT OR DOG, LIKE EARL OR MOOCH FROM 'MUTTS.'
I TAKE IT YOU'RE NOT A 'MUTTS' FAN.

OKAY, GUYS, IF WE'RE GONNA TURN "PEARLS" INTO A FAMILY STRIP, WE NEED CUTE KIDS. AND WHO BETTER TO INTRODUCE THAN THAT SLINGSHOT-CARRYING ICON, DENNIS THE MENACE.
HOPE YOU HAVE INSURANCE ON THIS GRANDE DAME.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S PAST THE SLINGSHOT PHASE.
AND REMEMBER, BLAME THOSE G**D*** FAMILY CIRCUS KIDS.

OKAY, CARTOON BOY...WHAT'S OUR GENERIC FAMILY HUMOR FOR TODAY?
LET'S SEE... MY MOM WILL BE BAKING COOKIES AND ONE OF US WILL EAT TOO MANY AND -- WAIT...WHERE IS SHE?
PIGEONS DID NUMBER TWO ON MY CAR...I'M GONNA SHOOT 'EM.
MOM...
HEY...SHE DID SAY "NUMBER TWO."
YEAH...I COULD'VE TOTALLY SAID "##@&$!!"

SO WHY'D THE
FEDS LET YOU
OUT OF PRISON?
I AGREED TO MAKE "PEARLS"
A LIGHTHEARTED SPOOF
ON THE MODERN AMERICAN
FAMILY, SURE TO INDUCE
WHOLESOME CHUCKLES.
THAT'S
LIKE
ALMOST
EVERY OTHER
COMIC ON
THE PAGE.
YEP, AND WE'RE GONNA
START BY INTRODUCING
A KINDHEARTED MOTHER
CHARACTER...IN FACT,
MY VERY OWN MOTHER.
IS THIS
THE ONLY
BEER IN
THE HOUSE?
MAYBE WE
WON'T
BE LIKE
EVERY OTHER
COMIC ON
THE PAGE.
LANGUAGE,
MOM.
LANGUAGE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HAVE YOU MET MY NEW GUARD FROG? WITH MY DUCK ON VACATION, I NEEDED A LITTLE PROTECTION.
WHAT'S HE DO?... SLAP PEOPLE WITH HIS WEBBED FOOT?
IT'S BEST NOT TO TAUNT HIM.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
STEVE! BEER! BEER!
STEVE GOT OUT OF PRISON TODAY, SO I THOUGHT I'D GIVE HIM A 'WELCOME HOME' PARTY. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND --
STEPH... WHAT DID HAP--
COULDN'T... DID MY HAIR. DON'T WISH TO DISCUSS.
WELL... A HAIRCUT'S ONLY TEMPORARY. STEPH... I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE WE GAVE YOU A TATTOO THAT YOU CAN NEVER --
WHAT IF -- WHAT IF WE GAVE HIM A TATTOO? LIKE A REALLY BAD ONE?
OHHHH... YOU LOOK WONDERFUL --
I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU STUPID G##$%&*#!!! $#$#%!!!
STEPH! NO! THAT'S NOT WHAT THE JEFFY WOULD WANT!

HEY, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE I MET ON MY JOURNEY THROUGH SPACE... IT'S PLUTO!
PLUTO? THE PLUTO THAT USED TO BE ONE OF OUR NINE PLANETS?
SENSITIVE SUBJECT.

Due to the content of this week's "Pearls Before Swine" comic strip, the U.S. Justice Department has obtained an injunction preventing the publication of the remainder of this week's strips. In its place, please enjoy this installment of the equally entertaining feature, "Jiffy and Spiffy, the Two Good Citizens."
I love my government for doing its very best.
I praise it for its goodness.
'Equally entertaining'? That's way more entertaining.
I love Spiffy best!

HEYA, RAT... HOW WAS YOUR VACATION?
TERRIFIC, BOB. HEY, LISTEN... I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD PUT TOGETHER A LITTLE EDITORIAL FOR THE NEWS TONIGHT.
WELL, SURE, RAT. AS LONG AS IT'S CLEARLY LABELED AS SUCH AND --
WE'RE ON IN THREE... TWO... ONE...
OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT!!!
IF I COULD HAVE A QUICK WORD...
AND NOW FOR THE WEATHER.
WEATHER SCHMEATHER. YOU GO, GIRL.

MOM, THIS IS STEPHAN... LISTEN, I GOT THROWN IN JAIL BECAUSE ONE OF MY CHARACTERS ADVOCATED REVOLUTION. NOW LISTEN... YOU'RE MY ONE CALL SO I NEED YOU TO ---
SORRY, SON... BUSY PLAYING 'ANGRY BIRDS' ON MY IPAD.
I NEVER WAS HER FAVORITE KID.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M ADVOCATING THE OVERTHROW OF THE GOVERNMENT.
THEY'LL TOSS YOU IN THE POKEY!
THEY CAN'T... I'M JUST A FICTIONAL CARTOON CHARACTER. THEY HAVE ABSOUTELY NO RECOURSE WHATSOEVER.

AREN'T YOU TIRED OF A GOVERNMENT THAT IS OWNED AND CONTROLLED BY BIG INTERESTS AND A SUPREME COURT THAT SAYS IT'S OKAY?
I SURE AM. WE REALLY NEED TO ORGANIZE AND—
OVERTHROW IT!!!
I WAS GONNA SUGGEST TOWN HALL MEETINGS.
GOOD IDEA. WE CAN HAND OUT THE PITCHFORKS THERE.

HIYA, GOAT!
HEY, PIG... THANKS FOR COMING TO MY PARTY... WHERE'S RAT?
OH, YOU KNOW HOW HE IS... HE'S... NOT EXACTLY MR. SOCIAL.
THAT'S TRUE. HE CAME TO MY SUMMER BARBECUE LAST YEAR AND JUST SAT INSIDE READING A BOOK...
AND REMEMBER MY CHRISTMAS PARTY? HE WENT OUTSIDE IN THE COLD AND JUST SAT ALONE ON A DECK CHAIR SMOKING.
WELL, NO MATTER. LET'S FORGET ABOUT HIM AND JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU GOT IT. IS EVERYONE IN THE LIVING ROOM?
YUP. GO JOIN THEM AND I'LL HANG UP YOUR COAT.
YOU MIND?
THAT'S DISTURBING.

IN THE CHANNEL 7 NEWSROOM
I DON’T GET IT, RALPH. OUR RATINGS ARE UP TEN PERCENT SINCE YOU CAME HERE. HOW DO YOU DO IT?
FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.
FEAR, HUH? BUT HOW?
I’LL SHOW YOU. NAME SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE IN OUR HOUSE AND SOMETHING WE ALL DO.
UH… MAYONNAISE… SLEEP?
TONIGHT AT SIX, HOW YOUR MAYONNAISE JAR MAY BE TRYING TO SUFFOCATE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
WOW.
AT ELEVEN… HOW YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM YOUR HOMICIDAL MAYONNAISE.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE GOT A JOB AS A TV NEWS ANCHOR.
SINCE WHEN DID HE TAKE AN INTEREST IN TV NEWS?
SINCE HE LEARNED THAT THEY LIKE TO DO STORIES BASED ON FEAR.
TONIGHT AT SIX... HOW FAT DWARVES ARE PLANNING TO EAT YOU.

HEY, MORAN... LAST WEEK YOU DROPPED A STORYLINE WITH ANGRY BEER CAN ALIENS. THIS WEEK YOU LEFT PIG IN SPACE WITH NO OXYGEN. EVER PLAN ON ACTUALLY FINISHING A ******** STORYLINE?
THERE'S THE ENEMY! THROW SOMETHING HEAVY AT THEM!
I'LL HIT 'EM WITH THESE OXYGEN TANKS!
WE'RE SAVED!
TELL ME THEY DON'T PAY YOU FOR THIS.

IT SAYS HERE THAT IN 2006, SCIENTISTS DECLARED THAT PLUTO WAS NO LONGER TO BE CONSIDERED ONE OF OUR NINE PLANETS. INSTEAD, ITS CLASSIFICATION WAS LOWERED TO THAT OF A "DWARF" PLANET.
HE TOOK IT HARD.
WAS "DRUNKY" ONE OF THE SEVEN DWARFS?

ALRIGHT, SUPPLY OFFICER DUCK. NOW THAT WE'RE IN SPACE, WE SHOULD GO THROUGH OUR THREE ESSENTIAL ITEMS CHECKLIST... LET'S SEE... PEANUT BUTTER?
CHECK.
ROOT BEER?
CHECK.
OXYGEN SUPPLY?
IT'S VERY TASTY PEANUT BUTTER.

HEY, GOAT, WANT TO COME WITH ME AND GUARD DUCK ON OUR JOURNEY THROUGH SPACE?
HAHAHA... WOW, GOSH, PIG. I'D LOVE TO PLAY WITH YOU TWO IN THAT BIG CARDBOARD BOX, BUT I'VE GOTTA RUN TO THE BANK... SO YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.
HE LOOKED SURPRISED WHEN THE ROCKET BOOSTERS KICKED IN.

Zeeba neighba... Come heres.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Time geev up. Crocs find you mail slot.
So? So me tell Bob buy essplosives, shove een heres.
Me thought you say 'Shove een ears.'
KABOOM
We having techeeneecal deefeecultees.

RAT AND PIG MEET AN ALIEN RACE
THANK YOU, PIG FRIEND, FOR PARTICIPATING IN OUR INTER-PLANETARY SUMMIT. MAY THE PEACE WE FORGED BE THE FIRST STEP IN A LONG AND PRODUCTIVE ALLIANCE.
YES! A TOAST TO US!
GLUG GLUG GLUG
NEXT TIME, LET'S SKIP THE TOAST.

RAT AND PIG MEET AN ALIEN RACE.
WE HAVE ASKED FOR THIS SUMMIT TO DISCUSS OUR RESPECTIVE GOALS. OURS IS TO PROMOTE INTERPLANETARY PEACE THROUGH THE EXCHANGE OF TECHNOLOGY AND CULTURE.
MINE IS TO DRINK YOUR HEAD.
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I'LL RECYCLE THE CAN.

WHAT THE...
LOOK! IT'S AN ALIEN SPACESHIP.
OH MY GOODNESS! ALIENS!! WHAT WILL THEY LOOK LIKE? HOW WILL WE GET ALONG?
I SENSE A CLASH OF CIVILIZATIONS.

HEY, GOAT...
WHERE YOU OFF TO?
I NEED SOME GREETING CARDS, SO I'm GOING TO THAT NEW STATIONERY STORE.
WAS THE OLD ONE ROLLING AROUND?
NEVER MIND.
I PREFER ALL MY STORES TO BE STATIONARY.