Pearls Before Swine | Search

DAD! DAD! YOU BROUGHT BACK FREDDY THE FROG! NO LONGER PRINCE VALIANT?
Oh, dat?… Yeah… Me trying be more open-mind bout amphibians.
THAT'S GREAT, DAD…WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND?
Oh, dis? Dis you need read on—
Dear Sirs,
"Prince Valiant" is a
registered trademark of
King Features Syndicate.
Please cease and desist
from all use thereof.
OPEN-MINDED?
Lawyer-minded. Doze guys ruin everything.

HEY, RAT, YOU GONNA HELP ME CLEAN OUT MY GARAGE NEXT WEEK?
WHY SHOULD I?
WELL, FIRST OFF --
CRACK
"FIRST OFF" IS NEVER FOLLOWED BY ANYTHING GOOD.

Danny Donkey went to the park.
A woman approached him.
HELP SAVE OUR TRAIN, SIR. IT'S FOR THE CHILDREN.
Danny Donkey looked up and saw a miniature steam train in disrepair.
I will save your train, said Danny Donkey.
And Danny Donkey spent all his money and fixed the train.
And on the day of the re-opening, everyone cheered the shiny new train.
And watched as it departed the new station and rolled down its track.
Which now led out of the park.
And straight to the liquor store.
I HAVE BUILT THE WORLD'S MOST CONVENIENT BEER RUN, shouted Danny.
BUT IS YOUR COMMEMORATION OF NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROVEMENT DAY?
CHILD SHALL EVER BEES TUFAT VISHA!

Hey, Rat...Didja see the funny YouTube video me and Goat emailed you?
I did.
TOO LOL.
TOO LOL?
The
Opposite
Of
Laugh
Out
Loud
THAT HURTS.

DAD'S ON THE ROOF DRESSED AS MARY POPPINS. I THINK HE WANTS TO FLY INTO ZEBRA'S YARD.
PLEASE, SON... EVEN YOUR IDIOT DAD KNOWS MARY POPPINS COULDN'T REALLY FLY.
Supercalif-AAAAHHHHHHHH
CLOSE THE DRAPES, SON.
Chim chiminity

DID DAD GET THE ROLE HE TRIED OUT FOR IN THE COMMUNITY PLAY?
OF COURSE NOT. IT WAS 'MARY POPPINS.'
SO THAT'S WHERE HE GOT THE IDEA.
WHAT IDEA?
Me gonna fly over hedge, zeeba neighba!
GO FOR IT.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. CHECK OUT THIS BOOK. IT'S ABOUT COMPANY TOWNS AT THE TURN OF THE CENTURY. THESE POOR WORKERS LIVED EVERY FREE MOMENT OF THEIR LIVES IN THE SHADOW OF THEIR EVER-PRESENT EMPLOYER.
HOW AWFUL. WHY DID THEY PUT UP WITH---
Hey, Bob, I know it's your day off, but Jeff needs that report ASAP.
I GOTTA GO.

LARRY TRIES OUT FOR COMMUNITY THEATER
NEW. HELLO, SIR...ARE YOU HERE TO
VOLUNTEER FOR OUR COMMUNITY
PLAY?
Yeah. Me want role whete me, like,
domenteare...You know, like, keel lot
people, eet guy's hed.
I TAKE IT YOU'VE
NEVER SEEN
"MARY POPPINS."
No.
How high
body
count?

Okay, zeeba neighba... Me and Frank decide go downtown, act een community play. Frank tink it help us take mind off pressure of being predator.
OH, YEAH? WELL, KNOCK 'EM DEAD.
CRACK
How dat help play?

HEY THERE, GOAT... COME WATCH TV WITH US.
NO THANKS. I HAVE A BOOK TO READ.
WHAT BOOK?
IT'S ON NATURAL SELECTION. IT EXPLAINS HOW A CHANGE THAT BETTER EQUIPS AN ANIMAL TO LIVE GETS PASSED ON TO ITS DESCENDANTS, THEREBY ALTERING THE SPECIES FOREVER.
I'M SORRY... DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT MEANS?
THAT MY KIDS WILL HAVE PILLOWS FOR BUTTS.
NO.
AND A REMOTE CONTROL FOR A HAND?
AND CHEESE POOFS FOR FEET?

HEY, GOAT. I WAS READING YOUR BLOG AT HOME TODAY, BUT I GOT DISTRACTED.
YEAH, THAT CAN HAPPEN WITH EVEN THE MOST COMPELLING WRITING... WHAT DISTRACTED YOU? A PHONE CALL? A PERSON AT THE DOOR? TV SHOW?
A BEIGE WALL.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SPICE UP YOUR BLOG.

ALRIGHT, PRIVATE... IF YOU'RE GONNA BE IN MY ARMY, YOU HAVE TO LOOK THE PART... HALF OF WARFARE IS INTIMIDATION.
OH, I KNOW. SO I WENT OUT AND BOUGHT MYSELF SOMETHING.
PERMISSION TO TOSS HIM IN THE BRIG, SIR?
DENIED.

ARE YOU A DEMOCRAT OR A REPUBLICAN?
NEITHER. I REALLY PREFER SOME OF THE FRINGE PARTIES. I JUST WISH MORE PEOPLE WANTED TO JOIN ME.
I WOULD LOVE TO COME TO YOUR FRINGE PARTY!!
PLEASE SIT DOWN, PIG.
YOU KNOW, HIS VOTE COUNTS THE SAME AS YOURS.
WILL THERE BE MUSIC AT YOUR FRINGE PARTY?

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT I'M NOT VERY ARROGANT.
HOW'D YOU REACH THAT CONCLUSION?
BY USING MY GINORMOUS BRAIN.
NEVER MIND.
I'D BE A LOT MORE HUMBLE IF I HAD A REASON TO BE.

HOW COME AFTER A HOLIDAY WITH MY FAMILY, I ALWAYS FEEL WORSE ABOUT MYSELF?
OH, PIG, I'M SURE THEY DON'T MEAN TO DO THAT... THEY PROBABLY JUST--
BECAUSE LIFE IS LIKE ATTENDING A FOOTBALL GAME. YOUR FRIENDS ARE THE ONES YOU GO TO THE GAME WITH. YOUR FAMILY ARE THE WEIRDOS YOU FIND SITTING AROUND YOU.
SO THOSE ARE THE FAT PEOPLE THROWING BON BONS AT ME?
PIG, THAT'S NOT--
YEAH. SO BLOW THIS IN THEIR FACE.

WHEN ARE YOU GONNA FIND THAT STUPID DUCKLING A HOME
I'M TRYING MY BEST, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHERE HIS MOM IS, AND I CAN'T FIND ANYONE ELSE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM.
I DENY EVERYTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
I'M PUTTING TOGETHER A BOOK OF FAMOUS WATERWAYS, BUT I'M HAVING TROUBLE GETTING GOOD SHOTS OF THE BERING STRAIT.
NO ONE HAS ANY GOOD PHOTOS?
WELL, THIS ONE PHOTO-COLLECTING GEEK HAS OFFERED TO EMAIL ME SOME, BUT THEY'RE ALL GIFS, AND I LIKE JPGs.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
THEY'RE JUST DIFFERENT WAYS TO COMPRESS IMAGES ON THE WEB. I LIKE THE COLOUR IN JPGs BETTER, SO I WANT TO BE CAREFUL TO NOT USE ANY GIFs.
I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOU HEAR THE WARNING.
WHAT WARNING?
BEWARE OF GEEKS' BERING GIFs.
IT HAD TO BE DONE.

DO YOU THINK EACH OF US HAS FREE WILL?
NO. ONLY SOME OF US.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE BOUGHT THE DVD.
FREE WILL, NOT "FREE WILLY."
OH, GREAT. IS THAT SOME BORING RE-MAKE?

EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE... I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE... I JUST GOT BACK FROM THAT NEW CAFE DOWNTOWN. THEY HAD THREE DIFFERENT SIZES OF COFFEE CUPS. AND THEY HAD LIDS.
SO WHAT, PIG? EVERY COFFEE PLACE HAS LIDS.
THE SAME LID FIT ALL THREE CUPS!!
THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD LOCK HIM IN HIS ROOM.
HAS THE NOBEL PRIZE EVER BEEN SUCH A LOCK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE MOVED TO AN ISLAND.
WHAT FOR?
TO FOREVER SEPARATE MYSELF FROM THIS WORLD THAT I HATE. SO GOODBYE, GOOD FRIEND, UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN IN A BETTER PLACE.
STUPID TIDE.

GOSH, THIS BOOK ON CHARLES DARWIN IS GREAT...! IT GETS PAST ALL THE CONTROVERSY SURROUNDING HIS THEORY OF NATURAL SELECTION AND JUST EXPLAINS IT.
WHAT'S NATURAL SELECTION?
IT'S WHEN A MAN CHOOSES TO BE WITH A WOMAN WHO DOES NOT HAVE SURGICALLY ENHANCED TA-TAS.
NO WONDER IT'S CONTROVERSIAL.
IT'S A VERY TOUGH CHOICE.
STOP!!

HEY, GOAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST DRINKING SOME WINE AND LISTENING TO A PODCAST OF TERRY GROSS' "FRESH AIR"... IT'S TERRIFIC.
AH, MORE N.P.R. I'D LIKE TO LISTEN, BUT I'M NOT AS SPECIAL AS YOU.
OH, WILL YOU GET OFF ALL THIS "ELITIST" CRAP?! N.P.R. IS A GREAT STATION THAT COVERS EVERY- THING... EVERYTHING!
MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES ?
OKAY, THERE ARE LIMITS.
HAVE A BEER. WE COMMONERS ENJOY IT.

HOW COME EVERYONE WHO DOES A LISTENER COMMENTARY ON N.P.R. SOUNDS LIKE A SNOOTY ELITIST THAT NEEDS TO BE PUNCHED IN THE HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THOSE ARE SMART, THOUGHTFUL PEOPLE. IN FACT I DID ONE OF THOSE ONCE.
I'M GUESSING IT WAS SNOOTY.

HULLOOO ZEBRA NEIGHBO... LESTERN... YOU NO RINK CROCS SMAHRT, YU?
RIGHT.
YEAH, YOU PROBLY RIGHT ABOUT HEAVENS OF BETSY'S EAS SMARTEST GUY EVER... ALBERT EINSTEIN! ME NOT NO HOW HE DIES.
WHY YES ME IS.
STOP STOP STOP. OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, HIS NAME IS ALBERT, NOT ALAN. SECOND, DO YOU EVEN KNOW ONE THING ABOUT HIM?
HE EEWENT INVENTED BLENDER.
NO. ALBERT EINSTEIN DID NOT INVENT THE BLENDER.
TOASTER?
STICKY NOTES?
HAM... O?
NO NO NO! ALBERT EINSTEIN FORMULATED THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY! E = MC 2 AND YOU THINK WE'EQUTT MORELS AGES? ABOUT ALBERT EINSTEIN? HE'S DEAD! DEAD! SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY NOW?
ACK.
GREAT... NOW YOU KILLED ALAN EINSTEIN,
ALBERT
INVENTING HAM TOOK LOT OUT OF ME.

HEY, GOAT! WANT TO HELP ME WRITE MY EPITAPH? RAT AND I ARE TRYING TO PLAN AHEAD BY PRE-PURCHASING OUR GRAVESTONES AND WRITING OUR OWN EPITAPHS.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD...ONE LESS THING FOR YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO WORRY ABOUT.
YEAH, BUT WRITING YOUR OWN EPITAPH IS HARD. SO FAR I'VE TRIED "LOYAL FRIEND" AND "GOOD SON," BUT I DUNNO...I MEAN, HOW DO YOU SUM UP YOUR LIFE IN JUST A FEW WORDS?
KICKED MAJOR FANNY