Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GOAT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST DRINKING SOME WINE AND LISTENING TO A PODCAST OF TERRY GROSS' "FRESH AIR"... IT'S TERRIFIC.
AH, MORE N.P.R. I'D LIKE TO LISTEN, BUT I'M NOT AS SPECIAL AS YOU.
OH, WILL YOU GET OFF ALL THIS "ELITIST" CRAP?! N.P.R. IS A GREAT STATION THAT COVERS EVERY- THING... EVERYTHING!
MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES ?
OKAY, THERE ARE LIMITS.
HAVE A BEER. WE COMMONERS ENJOY IT.

HOW COME EVERYONE WHO DOES A LISTENER COMMENTARY ON N.P.R. SOUNDS LIKE A SNOOTY ELITIST THAT NEEDS TO BE PUNCHED IN THE HEAD?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THOSE ARE SMART, THOUGHTFUL PEOPLE. IN FACT I DID ONE OF THOSE ONCE.
I'M GUESSING IT WAS SNOOTY.

HULLOOO ZEBRA NEIGHBO... LESTERN... YOU NO RINK CROCS SMAHRT, YU?
RIGHT.
YEAH, YOU PROBLY RIGHT ABOUT HEAVENS OF BETSY'S EAS SMARTEST GUY EVER... ALBERT EINSTEIN! ME NOT NO HOW HE DIES.
WHY YES ME IS.
STOP STOP STOP. OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, HIS NAME IS ALBERT, NOT ALAN. SECOND, DO YOU EVEN KNOW ONE THING ABOUT HIM?
HE EEWENT INVENTED BLENDER.
NO. ALBERT EINSTEIN DID NOT INVENT THE BLENDER.
TOASTER?
STICKY NOTES?
HAM... O?
NO NO NO! ALBERT EINSTEIN FORMULATED THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY! E = MC 2 AND YOU THINK WE'EQUTT MORELS AGES? ABOUT ALBERT EINSTEIN? HE'S DEAD! DEAD! SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY NOW?
ACK.
GREAT... NOW YOU KILLED ALAN EINSTEIN,
ALBERT
INVENTING HAM TOOK LOT OUT OF ME.

HEY, GOAT! WANT TO HELP ME WRITE MY EPITAPH? RAT AND I ARE TRYING TO PLAN AHEAD BY PRE-PURCHASING OUR GRAVESTONES AND WRITING OUR OWN EPITAPHS.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD...ONE LESS THING FOR YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO WORRY ABOUT.
YEAH, BUT WRITING YOUR OWN EPITAPH IS HARD. SO FAR I'VE TRIED "LOYAL FRIEND" AND "GOOD SON," BUT I DUNNO...I MEAN, HOW DO YOU SUM UP YOUR LIFE IN JUST A FEW WORDS?
KICKED MAJOR FANNY

LISTEN, DINKY DUCKLING... YOUR MOM
HAS NOT ABANDONED YOU... I'M SURE
SHE'D BE THRILLED IF YOU FOUND HER.
WELL, THOSE ARE ODD-LOOKING DUCKS.

YOU LISTEN TO ME, LARRY... YOU BETTER GET USED TO MY NEW HAIR BECAUSE I LIKE IT.
Yeah, well, Larry NO like. Larry like BIG hair. Why you cut it short?
BECAUSE IT'S IN STYLE... I GOT THE IDEA FROM A VERY CLOSE FRIEND.
Yeah? Well, you tell dat person Larry NO like... Larry tink BAD.
"He said what?!"

I REALLY DON'T THINK YOUR MOM WOULD ABANDON YOU, DINKY DUCKLING. I'M SURE SHE JUST LOST TRACK OF YOU.
THAT COULD MEAN ANYTHING.

HEY THERE, DINKY DUCKLING. HOW COME YOU'RE NOT WITH YOUR MOTHER?
I CAN'T FIND HER. I'M STARTING TO THINK SHE'S ABANDONED ME.
WHY WOULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING?
I FOUND THIS NOTE.
I ABANDONED YOU.
I'D CALL THAT PRETTY VAGUE.
YEAH. SHE JUST THREW IT AT ME AND RAN.

I JUST MET THE PRETTIEST GIRL. SHE HAD LONG BROWN HAIR WITH ONE LOCK HANGING DOWN IN FRONT OF HER FOREHEAD.
SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL. I'D LIKE TO MEET HER.
YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO THE ART FORM.

THE FAMILY CIRCUS KID?
YEAH. HE JUST RAN OVER FROM THEIR SUNDAY STRIP AND STARTED PUNCHING ME.
ARE OUR PANELS IN THE RIGHT ORDER NOW?
I KIND OF. I WAS TRYING TO PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER THE BEST I COULD.
WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW. HE JUST KEPT SAYING...

WELL, WHERE THAT IDIOT NOW?

HE RAN TO ASK HIS MOMMY SOMETHING.
ASK HER WHAT?
"THIS'LL TEACH YOU LITTLE 'PEARLS' PUNKS TO*##** WITH THE F.C."
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
JEFFY KEANE BEAT ME UP.
A PIG?
HE SAID THAT EVEN AND THEN WORST PART. AFTER THAT, HE RIPPED ALL PANELS OF OUR STRIP APART AND THREW THEM TO THE GROUND.
"Do I need forgiveness for #%*#** up a pig?"

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
PRACTICING HIS SKI JUMP POSE. HE'S GONNA USE IT WHENEVER SOMEONE BORES HIM. AS IF TO SAY, "I'M LEAPING RIGHT OVER YOUR TIRESOME CONVERSATION."
THAT'S RIDICULOUS. WHY DOES THE GUY HAVE TO BE SUCH A WEIRDO? WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE NORMAL NOW AND THEN?

Dere is frog.
You sure if me kees, he become bootiful princess?
ME SURE. ME SURE. KEES NOW.
SMOOOOCH
We got probbum, Bob.
BEHOLD! THOUGH PRINCE VALIANT, AN UGLY DRAGON TO SLAY.

DO YOU THINK IF WE'RE BAD IN LIFE, WE REALLY GO TO A PLACE CALLED "HECK"?
AND IF SO, WHAT'S IT LIKE?
HECK IS A SMALL, WINDOWLESS ROOM FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT THE SOUND OF POLKA MUSIC.
I WILL REPENT RIGHT NOW!
REMEMBER... ONLY SATAN COULD HAVE INVENTED THE ACCORDION.

DAD! WHY ARE
YOU TRYING TO
KISS FREDDY?!
BOB SAY IN
FAIRY TALE IT
MAKE FROGS
BECOME BOOT-
IFUL PRINCESS!
THAT'S NOT HOW THE FAIRY
TALE GOES, DAD! AND WHY
WOULD YOU WANT A BEAU-
TIFUL PRINCESS ANYWAYS?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MOM?
Has you seen new
haircut?
WHAT'S
THAT YOU SAY,
LARRY?
AHH!
ME LOVE
BAD NEW HAIR!
ME LOVE
BAD NEW
HAIR!!

Whuh you doing, Larry?
Me selling house, Bob. Amphibians ruin neighborhood.
But dey juss frogs, Larry. Dere easy way turn dem eento someting else.
Whuh dat?
Kissy, kissy, fairy tale frog.
I'M FEELING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

YO, DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
I TOLD PIG I HAD SOME GREAT NEWS ABOUT A COUSIN OF MINE GETTING MARRIED, AND HE SAID TO COME OVER 'CAUSE HE HAD SOME GRATER NEWS.
YEAH...I GOT A NEW ONE.
GRATES ON YOU, DOESN'T HE?
GOING HOME NOW.
STAY! SHRED SOME CHEESE!

HEY, RAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, HANNAH HIPPO.
HEY.
WELL, HELLO...I'D LOVE TO CHAT MORE, BUT I SIMPLY MUST BE LEAVING.
DIDN'T SHE SAY SHE WAS LEAVING?
OH, THAT'S JUST HANNAH'S WAY. SEE, THE HIPPO SAYS GOODBYE, BUT NEVER LEAVES.
I HATE THAT...WHEN YOU SAY GOODBYE, GET OUT. DON'T LINGER. LEAVE. YOUR CHAT PRIVILEGES ARE REVOKED.
FINE.
FINE.
I HAVE EARS, YOU KNOW...I DON'T NEED TO STAY HERE AND BE INSULTED.
DO WE NEED TO RENT A CRANE?
OH. I HEARD THAT. AND I AM SO OUT OF HERE.
SURE.
MORE COFFEE.

WHAT'S THIS COUCH DOING OUT HERE ON THE CURB?
IT'S NEIGHBOR BOB'S. IT'S HOW HE GETS RID OF STUFF HE DOESN'T WANT. A LOT OF PEOPLE DO IT.
IT'S JUST THAT EASY?
YUP.
SOME THINGS I JUST SHOULDN'T MENTION.

DO YOU HAVE ANY ASPIRATIONS IN LIFE?
I AM A REGIUST. AND AS A REGIUST, I MOCK THE LOFTY ASPIRATIONS OF OTHERS AND MAINTAIN FOR MYSELF BUT ONE SIMPLE GOAL.
WHICH IS WHAT?
TO BE SO GREAT THAT WHEN I DIE, THE WORLD ENDS.
TRY HUMILITY.
IN THE RACE FOR GREATNESS, HUMILITY IS BUT A BOOBY PRIZE.

GOSH, THAT WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO ME SURE IS PRETTY.
WELL, SAY SOMETHING TO HER. NOTHINGS GUNNA HAPPEN IF YOU JUST SIT THERE.
EXCUSE ME, BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT THE CHILDREN'S SONG "RING AROUND THE ROSIE. A POCKETFUL OF POSIES, ASHES, ASHES, WE ALL FALL DOWN" IS ACTUALLY A REFERENCE TO THE BLACK DEATH, A PLAGUE THAT KILLED MILLIONS?
PERHAPS SILENCE IS THE BETTER APPROACH.

I HEAR YOU'RE UPSET ABOUT YOUR NEW FROG NEIGHBORS.
Yeah. Me hate slimy amphibians almost as much as me hate you.
WELL, THE REASON THAT THEY'RE 'SLIMY' IS THAT THEY BREATHE THROUGH THEIR SKIN. IF THEIR SKIN ISN'T MOIST, THEY CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY ARE YOU BLOW-DRYING FREDDY?
Ohh, just styling hair.

HEY, RAT, I'M HOME!
WHERE YOU BEEN?
GROCERY STORE... DID YOU KNOW THEY HAVE SPRAYERS NOW THAT GO OFF IN THE PRODUCE SECTION?
YEAH. THEY'RE FOR KEEPING THE PRODUCE FROM WILTING.
THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE FOR?
YEAH. WHY?
NO REASON.

Hey, son... Where my wife? We want her sign petition against sheety amphibian thieves moving centro neighborhood.
She's at the hairdresser, dad... and Freddy's family are not thieves-- they're--
AH!
HE STEAL WIFE HAIR!
Excuse us, Junior. I'd like to talk to your dad.
Why you blame me? He one make you look terrible.

HEY THERE,
PIG... YOU
LOOK HAPPY.
I AM! I JUST
MEASURED MYSELF.
I'M FIVE FEET, NINE
INCHES TALL!
GEE, PIG... THAT
SOUNDS A
LITTLE HIGH.
WELL, I DID MEASURE
MYSELF WITH SHOES.
EVEN WITH
SHOES, THAT
SOUNDS HIGH.
HERE. MEASURE FOR
YOURSELF. I'LL STAND
AGAINST THAT FENCE.
I THINK
I SEE
THE PROBLEM.
YOU MISJUDGED! IT'S OKAY. WE ALL MAKE MENTAL BOOBOOS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GOAT!! I GOT YOU A GIFT CARD FROM STARBUCKS!! DRINK ALL THE MOCHAS YOU WANT..
JEEZ, GOSH, RAT.. THANK YOU!.. BUT ALL I WANT TO-- HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU PUT ON IT ?
NONE. I JUST GOT YOU THE CARD.
YOU’RE A BIT OF AN INGRATE.