Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG. HOW ARE THINGS?
NOT GOOD. I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT ACCOMPLISHING ANYTHING IN MY LIFE... LIKE I'M JUST FLOUNDERING.
GAAAAA YOU, PAL.
NEVER USE THAT EXPRESSION AROUND A FLOUNDER.

HERE IS THE DISTANCE BETWEEN MY LIFE AND MY DREAMS... IT IS A VAST EXPANSE THAT IMPEDES MY HAPPINESS.
WELL, THEN GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I DIDN'T MEAN RUN TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
EXPANSE... NARROWING.
GOAT... BRILLIANT.

WHERE YOU TAKING ME, PIG?
TO THE FIREWORKS SHOW... WE ALL SIT OUT ON THIS BASEBALL FIELD AND WATCH.
IT’S TOO CROWDED.
NO IT’S NOT. THERE’S A SPOT RIGHT THERE BY SECOND BASE.
IS THAT YOUR CELLPHONE?
YEAH. IT’S IN MY PURSE. WILL YOU ANSWER IT?? MY HANDS ARE FULL.
HELLO…?
IT’S YOUR DAD. HE’S JUST CHECKING IN ON US. WANTS TO KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING.
WELL, TELL HIM.
I’M TRYING TO GET TO SECOND BASE.
HE’S NOT HAPPY.

I'M SORRY, BUT MY GIRLFRIEND RECENTLY LEFT ME, AND I SAW YOU SITTING BY YOURSELF, AND I THOUGHT, I BET THAT WOMAN'S AS LONELY AS ME… I SHOULD TRY AND COMFORT HER.
MY BOYFRIEND'S IN THE BATHROOM.
"WELL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER" NOW FEELS LIKE A LESS APPROPRIATE LINE.

LOOK AT THAT PRETTY WOMAN. I WISH I HAD THE GUTS TO TALK TO HER.
SO TALK TO HER. TELL HER A LITTLE SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT YOURSELF.
NEXT TUESDAY IS THE EXPIRATION DATE ON THE MILK IN MY REFRIGERATOR.
SHE DIDN'T FIND ME INTERESTING.

WHY DO PEOPLE THAT MAKE RUDE, SNARKY COMMENTS ON THE INTERNET ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO END THEIR COMMENT WITH THAT DUMB WINKING EMOTICON?!
IT MEANS THEY'RE JUST TEASING YOU. YOU KNOW, JUST HAVING SOME FUN WITH YOU.
WELL, THAT'S STUPID. AND YOU'RE STUPID FOR KNOWING THAT.
I'M STUPID?!
;-)
HA! HA! HA! DON'T BE MAD... LOOK!

TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE MISERABLE.
MAYBE I CAN FIX IT.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO FIX IT. I JUST WANT TO VENT ABOUT IT.
BUT YOU WON'T HAVE TO VENT ABOUT IT IF I CAN FIX IT.
MAY I VENT ABOUT SOMETHING?

HI, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BRIAN. HE'S A COSMOLOGIST. HE STUDIES THE STRUCTURE OF THE UNIVERSE, BLACK HOLES, SUPERNOVAE... THAT SORT OF THING.
HOW DO YOU FIND TIME TO MAKE WOMEN PRETTY?
COSMOLOGIST, PIG... NOT COSMETOLOGIST.
IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
LEMME GUESS... YOU DO HAIR, BUT NOT MAKE-UP.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SPIDERS KILL THEIR PREY BY INJECTING THEM WITH VENOM AND SUCKING OUT THEIR INSIDES WITH THIS LONG APPENDAGE CALLED A PROBOSCIS?
REALLY?
REALLY. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING SO GROSS?
NEVER.
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT EVERY TIME I DRINK A SMOOTHIE?
WHOA. SORRY, MAN. DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
I WILL NOT BE ORDERING THAT.

Ohhh...Me could catch heem.
Yeah. Me could catch too.
Me could tear off dat guy heed.
Yeah. Me would reep to shred.
Ooooh, me could so keel dat one!
Yeah, me would eet in seconds!
DAD, I KNOW YOU AND BOB ARE TOUGH, BUT YOU MAKE IT REALLY HARD TO WATCH 'THE MUPPETS.'
Told you dat not nature documentary.

HEY, RAT... WANT
TO JOIN THE
CLIVE RICHARDSON
FAN CLUB?
CLIVE RICHARDSON?
YOU MEAN OUR
NEXT DOOR
NEIGHBOR?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE HE'S GOT FANS.
HE'S JUST A REGULAR GUY.
WE ALL NEED FANS.

WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
FOOSH
RAT REALLY SHOULDN'T BUY BUILD-IT-YOURSELF FURNITURE.
DIE, SHELVING UNIT. DIE!!!

HEY THERE, RAT, TODAY IS “OPPOSITE DAY,” WHERE ALL THE STUFF IN OUR STRIP TURNS OUT THE OPPOSITE OF HOW IT NORMALLY DOES. WANT TO PARTICIPATE?
NO. GET LOST, LOSER.
THINGS ARE DIFFERENT ON ‘OPPOSITE DAY.’

DID YOU BY CHANCE TELL PIG ABOUT AN UPCOMING MOVIE?
YEAH. THE NEW COEN BROTHERS FILM... IT LOOKS GREAT, SO I TOLD HIM TO GO CHECK OUT THE TRAILER... WHY?
BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.
ABOUT WHAT?
THE FACT THAT IT'S
BOO-OORING.

HI, GOAT, CAN I INTEREST YOU IN OUR NEW PRODUCT? IT'S BOTTLED WATER. SEE, IT'S GOT A BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAIN SPRING ON THE LABEL. I EVEN GAVE IT A FANCY FRENCH-SOUNDING NAME: 'LE LAVABO.'
'LeLAVABO' MEANS 'BATHROOM SINK.'
NUTS. I'VE GIVEN AWAY MY SECRET SOURCE.
GO AWAY.
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, SOME OF IT COMES FROM OUR TUB.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SOME BOTTLED WATER IS JUST CITY WATER RE-PACKAGED?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU MEAN SOME GUYS JUST BOTTLE THE STUFF I ALREADY GET OUT OF MY OWN TAP AND SELL IT BACK TO ME FOR A HIGHER PRICE?
YUP. HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
FILL, YOU FAT PIG, FILL!!!
RAT WATER, INC.

Oooohhh...
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, PIG?
A 3D FILM... IT'S INCREDIBLE.
WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE IN 3D NOW? IT'S BORING IF YOU ASK ME.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT UNTIL I WATCHED THIS ONE RAT TOLD ME TO WATCH... IT'S GREAT.
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT IT?
WELL, WHEN YOU SEE AN OBJECT ON THE SCREEN, IT REALLY FEELS LIKE IT'S FLYING RIGHT TOWARD YOUR FACE... LIKE, LOOK AT THAT CAN...
CLANG
WOW! THAT WAS JUST LIKE THE SHOE!
PIG...THAT'S JUST
SHHHHH

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
AT HOME. I'VE BEEN SPENDING EVERY SINGLE MORNING LISTENING TO THIS REALLY CALMING
RADIO STATION.
OH, YEAH? DO YOU KNOW THE FREQUENCY?
I JUST TOLD YOU.
TOLD ME WHAT?
I LISTEN TO IT EVERY SINGLE MORNING.
DO YOU KNOW THE FREQUENCY WITH WHICH I WANT TO PUNCH YOU ANGRILY IN THE HEAD?
OOOH. HAVE I GOT THE RADIO STATION FOR YOU.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
GREAT, PIG...JUST GOT BACK FROM VACATION. I WAS ABLE TO TAKE A TON OF GOOD PHOTOS. HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
IT'S THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE THAT.

WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU BECOME MIDDLE-AGED?
WHEN ON A SUMMER VACATION, YOU TUCK A COLLARED SHIRT INTO KHAKI SHORTS HELD UP BY A BELT.
OKAY, SWEETIE, "FROMMER'S" SAYS THE VIEW HERE IS DELIGHTFUL.
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU'RE ACCURATE.
NEW, SIR, THAT'S A HAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE WORN WHEN YOU STILL CARED.

HEY, DAD...WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR VICE PRESIDENT'S HAT?
Me got kicked out. Me no want talk about it.
GEE DAD, I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?
Me form own club. Club One Guy. Is guy who juss sit alone in box.
CAN IT BE "CLUB TWO GUY"?
Okay. But me gonna have to change stationery.

LARRY, THE KIDS' CLUB TREEHOUSE HAS VOTED TO KICK YOU OUT OF THE GROUP. PLEASE TURN IN YOUR HAT.
HA! Me keck "YOU out". Me gett frends help me een beeeg coup!
Larry, you're mistakenly pronouncing the "P" in "coup". The "P" is silent. So when you say it your way, it has a whole different meaning.
HA! Whuh da heck you know, Meester Inteelektual?
How dis help larry?

EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT I'D LIKE TO MAKE A MOTION THAT WE IMPEACH VICE PRESIDENT LARRY, I SUSPECT HIM OF DISLOYALTY.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
Me juss doing leetle pruning.
Club

HEY, PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, IRA GLASS. HE'S THE HOST OF MY FAVORITE RADIO SHOW, 'THIS AMERICAN LIFE'.
HI... IT'S REALLY NICE TO--
FIRE! FIRE!
PIG! PIG! WHAT THE @#%*$# ARE YOU--
HEY... FIRES OUT...
I'M A HERO.
I AM SO, SO SORRY.

PIG, TAKE A MEMO... "I HAVE A FINAL WISH THAT I'D LIKE YOU, MY FRIENDS, TO TAKE NOTE OF AND FULFILL SHOULD I DIE AN UNTIMELY DEATH.
SURE, RAT, WHAT IS IT?
I'D LIKE YOU, TOO, TO STOP LIVING.
YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE VAIN.
OH, AND MAKE THE WORLD STOP. IT SHOULDN'T GO ON WITHOUT ME.
STOP... WHOLE... WORLD...