Pearls Before Swine | Search

I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT IF I SHOULD STILL BUY GAS AT THAT PLACE ON MY CORNER.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CAR WASH.
IT USED TO BE. NOW IT'S JUST AN EXPENSIVE GAS STATION. I CAN DRIVE TO A CHEAPER ONE FIVE MILES AWAY. BUT THAT MAKES ME USE MORE GAS.
SO IS THE CLOSE GAS STATION CHEAPER?
I THINK IT'S A WASH.
YOU SAID IT WAS A GAS STATION.
CAN WE DISCUSS THIS LATER?
SURE. RIGHT NOW YOU SOUND PRETTY CONFUSED.

RAT GETS A PERSON PET
FLUSH
IT'S NICE WHEN THEY'RE HOUSE-TRAINED.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
A PERSON. I GOT HIM AT THE PERSON STORE.
IS HE HARD TO CARE FOR?
NOT REALLY. YOU JUST GIVE HIM A FLATSCREEN AND ESPN AND HE'LL SIT THERE FOR HOURS.
WANT TO GIVE HIM A TREAT?

LISTEN, DAD, YOU NEED TO ADJUST TO THE FACT THAT WE'RE GONNA HAVE AMPHIBIANS LIKE FREDDY LIVING ACROSS THE STREET.
Okay. Me learn adjust.
THANKS MR. LARRY.
PUTTING ON BLINDERS IS NOT ADJUSTING TO FREDDY.
Freddy? Who dis Freddy?
OVER HERE, MR. LARRY.

HI, JUNIOR. WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
FREDDY THE FROG. HE AND HIS FAMILY ARE MOVING IN ACROSS THE STREET.
READY... I DON'T THINK WE'VE HAD AMPHIBIANS ON THE BLOCK BEFORE.
I KNOW MOM. WHICH IS WHY WE NEED TO DO EVERYTHING WE CAN TO MAKE THEM FEEL AS WELCOME AS POSSIBLE..
BOOOOOOO.
MAKE DAD GO INSIDE.
WHERE YOU TAIL, FORMER FISH?!

I WISH I COULD MEET SOMEONE TO SHARE MY LIFE WITH.
TELL ME YOUR WISH, AND I’LL SHAKE MY BUTT.
AND POOF, THE MARRIAGE FAIRY APPEARED.
BUT BEFORE ELLY COULD ANSWER, SHE RAN INTO HER FRIEND, RITA RABBIT.
WHAT’S WRONG, RITA RABBIT?
MY HUSBAND WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME HERE, SHE SAID, BUT HE’S AN HOUR LATE.
HE’S ALWAYS AN HOUR LATE. THAT IS, WHEN HE EVEN REMEMBERS.
OF COURSE, IF IT’S HIS FRIEND, IT’S DIFFERENT, SAID RITA RABBIT. THEN HE DROPS EVERYTHING.
IT’S JUST SO FRUSTRATING, ELLY ELEPHANT. TO BE MARRIED, BUT SO ALONE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WERE ME?
ELLY ELEPHANT CRUSHED THE MARRIAGE FAIRY WITH THE SUGAR DISPENSER.
WHAM
WELL NOW, THAT’S A HEARTWARMING TALE.
YOU SMASH A NEW LITTLE HOPE-SHAKER! YEILD RITA RABBIT!!
NONE FROM THE CONDIMENTS ‘TIL FAIRY!

BEHOLD! I, RAT, HAVE INVENTED THE 'BOX O' SUPERIOR WISDOM'...REACH IN AND GRAB BRILLIANCE!
IT'S BEER.
YES. DRINK EIGHT AND YOU'LL THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING.
THAT IS NOT WISDOM.
Ohhhhh...AHHH
WELL, LISTEN ME TO YOU, MISTER MISE GUY...
ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER.

I GOT A GERMAN SHEPHERD.
HEY, GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. IS HE HOUSE-TRAINED?
ARE YOU HOUSE-TRAINED?
JA.
THAT WAS PROBABLY INSULTING.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
"OF MICE AND MEN"...IT'S THE STORY OF TWO FRIENDS. ONE IS SHORT AND CRAFTY AND THE OTHER IS AN OVER-SIZED FELLOW WITH MENTAL CHALLENGES.
DO WE GET ROYALTIES FOR THIS?
NO.
I'M FAMOUS! I'M FAMOUS!!

So, amphibian... You is start life wid tail, live underwater.
Den one day--POOF--you lose tail, live on land...
How you essplain?
I DUNNO
I GUESS
JUST
EVOLUTION?
HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN IT?
Mebbe you worship Satan?
OKAY, DAD,
TIME TO GO.
Show us
your horns,
leetle
devil frog.

HEY, DAD, I KNOW YOU THINK AMPHIBIANS ARE SHIFTY AND UNTRUSTWORTHY, BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'VE BECOME FRIENDS WITH ONE. HE'S FREDDY THE FROG, AND I'D LIKE YOU TO TREAT HIM WITH RESPECT.
SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
JUST MAKING SURE HE NO STEAL SILVERWARE.

MY STUPID KNOW-IT-ALL COUSIN FROM NEW ORLEANS WANTS TO VISIT ME... HE'S THAT GUY WHO EVEN WHEN HE ASKS A QUESTION JUST DOES IT SO HE CAN SHOW YOU WHAT HE KNOWS.
ISN'T HE THAT ONE FROM THE GARDEN DISTRICT WHERE ALL THE WEALTHY TOBACCO, COTTON AND SUGAR MERCHANTS BUILT THEIR HOMES ALONG ST. CHARLES AVENUE IN THE 1840s AND '50s WHEN NEW ORLEANS HAS THE SECOND BIGGEST PORT IN THE UNITED STATES?
ISN'T SUGAR THE THING I'M ABOUT TO JAM UP YOUR NOSE?
CHECK PLEASE.
YES! YES! THAT IS SUGAR!

Hey, Rat. It's me, Pig. What's going on?
Chill. I know what I'm doing.
'ZITS' WINS EVERY SINGLE NEWSPAPER COMICS POLL. BUT 'PEARLS' DOESN'T.
SO I'M GONNA BE JEREMY.
AND YOU'RE HIS DAD.
WITH ANY LUCK, WE'LL CONFUSE THE MARKETPLACE AND PEOPLE WILL THINK 'PEARLS' IS THAT GREAT STRIP ABOUT A TEENAGER AND HIS PARENTS.
But what if people catch on?
CAN'T HAPPEN. WE LOOK EXACTLY LIKE 'ZITS'.
Hey, where all da zeebas?
I THINK IT HAPPENED.
CUT!!

WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE, RAT?
WEDDING PRESENT. I HAVE TO GO TO ONE OF MY STUPID COUSINS' WEDDINGS.
YOU LEFT THE PRICE TAG ON.
I DID? THEN I PROBABLY DIDN'T NEED TO INCLUDE THAT NOTE.
"HEY, MORONS... I SPENT $125 ON YOUR WEDDING PRESENT."
I LIKE MY GENEROSITY TO BE NOTED.

HEY THERE, PIG... I RUSHED RIGHT OVER WHEN YOU TOLD ME YOU HAD SOME GREAT NEWS.
I DO. BUT IT'S NOT GOOD.
YOU SAID IT WAS GREAT.
GRATE. I BOUGHT THE WRONG SIZE FOR MY BARBECUE.
EVEN I'M BEGINNING TO HATE YOU.

HERE'S YOUR MAIL, PIG. ALL JUNK, I'M AFRAID. CATALOGS, CREDIT CARD OFFERS COUPONS.
THAT'S OKAY, MAILMAN MIKE. JUST PUT IT ON THE PATH THERE.
THE PATH? SURE, IF YOU WANT. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'D--
FOOOSH
SORRY ABOUT THE SLEEVE.
WANT HIM TO BURN THE STUFF IN YOUR TRUCK, TOO?
UH... NO THANKS

IF YOU COULD EITHER FLY OR BE INVISIBLE, WHICH WOULD YOU PICK ?
I'D BE INVISIBLE.
HOW COME ?
BECAUSE WHEN I FLY, THEY NEVER GIVE ME ENOUGH PEANUTS.
NEVER MIND.
AND WHAT’S WITH THE LUGGAGE RESTRICTIONS ?

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, PIG?
JEAN CLAUDE THE HORSE. HE'S A WORLD-FAMOUS SCULPTOR AND THAT'S ONE OF HIS MASTERWORKS. BUT BE CAREFUL. IT'S SUPER DELICATE.
LET ME JUST HOLD IT.
PUT IT DOWN! PUT IT DOWN!
BLAM BLAM BLAM
THUD
WELL, NOW THAT WAS AN UNFORTUNATE EXPRESSION.

WHY DO WE
HAVE TO CLEAN
OUT OUR STUPID
CATCH-ALL DRAWER
ANYWAYS?
BECAUSE IT'S
BEEN SO LONG
WE DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT'S
IN THERE.
WHADDYA MEAN WE DON'T
KNOW? EVERYONE'S CATCH-ALL
DRAWER HAS ALL THE SAME
STUFF... OLD LIGHTER... DEAD
BATTERY...STRANGE KEY...
ADMITTEDLY, THE
AMISH MAN WAS
A BIT UNUSUAL.

YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP
WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON HAVING ANNOYING RINGTONES?
I DON’T KNOW, BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU COULD OUT-ANNOY THEM, SAY, WITH A RINGTONE OF A BELCHING MAN SCRAPING HIS NAILS ACROSS A CHALKBOARD WHILE RIDING A SOUPED-UP HARLEY WITH HIS CRYING BABY.
UUUUURRRP EEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK VRRROOOM WAHHHHH
PARDON ME. I HAVE A CALL.

HIYA, PIG... MEET MISTER MUFFATONI, THE PUPPET ON A STICK WHO MAKES SNAP JUDGMENTS ABOUT WHO HE LIKES
SNAP JUDGMENTS? MEANING QUICK?
I'D SAY SO.

2:52 Sipped coffee.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RECORDING MY EVERY ACTION SO FUTURE BIOGRAPHIES WILL HAVE AN ACCURATE RECORD OF MY EVERY MOVE.
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE ARROGANT TO ASSUME THAT ONE DAY PEOPLE WILL WANT TO CHRONICLE YOUR LIFE?
2:53 Silenced doubters.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
THIS COMEDIAN'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. HE TALKS A LOT ABOUT GROWING UP AND HOW HIS PARENTS MESSED HIM UP.
INTERESTING. SO HIS PARENTS MESSED HIM UP, HUH? I DON'T SUPPOSE THAT'S A LITTLE BIT LIKE THE STORY OF, UHH...
EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE PLANET??
I THINK I KNOW WHY YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE IS SO HIGH.
BECAUSE THERE ARE SO MANY MORONS?

What's the "WALL STREET JOURNAL"?
AHAHA WHOA AHAHA... YESTERDAY, YOU HAD GUARD DUCK TORCH MY NEW YORK TIMES WITH A FLAME THROWER BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAVE COMICS! IS THAT WHY YOU'RE ASKING?
NO, NO, NO. JUST BECAUSE A NEWSPAPER DOESN'T HAVE A COMICS SECTION IS NO REASON TO BURN IT WITH A FLAME THROWER.
GREAT... THANKS.
FIRE IN THE HOLE!!
HAND GRENADES ARE NOT AN IMPROVEMENT.
THEN READ A PAPER WITH COMICS, TRAITOR.
BE LOYAL TO THE ART FORM, SIR.

EXCUSE ME, GOAT, BUT IS THAT THE "NEW YORK TIMES" YOU'RE PERUSING?
YES. WHY?
NO COMICS SECTION.
SUPPORT OUR OWN, SIR.