Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, MISTER, YOU MIND MOVING OVER
A LITTLE AND SHARING THE TREE?
ME AND MY FRIENDS WANT TO
BUILD A TREEHOUSE.
Share tree? Me deadly tree croc.
Me no share tree wid leetle
nobody peepsqueak.
You very rude.

I'M DATING A GIRL WHO WANTS ME TO TEACH HER TO DANCE.
THAT'S A GREAT DANCE... I CAN TEACH YOU IF YOU WANT.
FINE. GIMME THE BASICS.
WELL, THE FIRST THING YOU GOTTA KNOW IS THAT IN THE CHA CHA, YOU LEAD WITH YOUR LEFT LEG AND ARM, WHICH WE'LL CALL YOUR CHA CHA LEG AND ARM.
FINE. WHAT ARE THE STEPS?
WELL, THE FIRST STEP IS TO STICK OUT YOUR CHA CHA LEG, THEN RAISE YOUR OPPOSITE ARM, THEN RAISE YOUR CHA CHA ARM.
DUDE, JUST SAY "CHA CHA LEG" OR SOMETHING. "CHA CHA" IS SUCH A STUPID FOO FOO WORD.
ALRIGHT, FINE. SO TRY IT. FIRST POSITION, STICK OUT YOUR CHA CHA LEG.
YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. SECOND, RAISE MY OTHER ARM... THIRD, RAISE MY CHA LEG.
THIRD TIME'S A CHA ARM.
DON'T MIND ME.

YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME TONIGHT?
SURE, PIG, I---
WHY IS THAT CROC THROWING KUMQUATS AT YOU?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
Geev up yet?

Hey, Larry... How life as veocious tree croc? You leap on zeeba head and reep to shred yet?
Me no can leap, Bob. Tree too high.
You veocious tree croc, Larry! How you keel prey if you no leap on head?
Me gonna chuck kumquats.
You bad tree croc, Larry.
Me got lot of kumquats, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me tree croc. Like veectious jaguar, me leap from eencredible heights and breeng death from above. But first you have close eyes.
WHY SHOULD I CLOSE MY EYES?
No reason.

RAT'S THINKING ABOUT BUYING A PRIUS.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. BUYING A HYBRID IS A GREAT WAY TO SAVE GAS AND DO YOUR PART FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
IT IS?
YEAH. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BUY IT?
BECAUSE IT'S REAL QUIET, SO I THOUGHT IT'D BE PERFECT IF I EVER NEEDED TO RUN SOMEONE OVER FROM BEHIND.
AND HAVING LESS PEOPLE BENEFITS THE ENVIRONMENT?
THAT IS NOT HOW IT BENEFITS THE--
I'M DOING MY PART!

HEY, RAT, LOOK AT ME. I'M A BEEKEEPER! I EVEN GOT THE NET THING THAT THE BEES CAN'T GET THROUGH.
WHERE ARE THE BEES?
IN HERE.
OW!
YOU'D THINK THERE'D BE A BETTER WAY.

THE STUPID STATE WANTS
TO RAISE MONEY BY EXPANDING
THE STATE LOTTERY. NOW
PEOPLE WILL SPEND MORE OF
THEIR HARD-EARNED MONEY
CHASING IMPOSSIBLE ODDS.
YEAH. THAT'S
WHAT'S SO
GREAT ABOUT
THE LOTTERY.
WHY DOES
THAT MAKE
THE LOTTERY
GREAT?
IT'S A TAX
ON PEOPLE
WHO CAN'T
DO MATH.
PLEASE
LEAVE ME
ALONE.
NOW IF WE
COULD JUST
TAX
GENERAL
STUPIDITY.
FOUR LOTTO
TICKETS! I AM
GUARANTEED
TO WIN!

HEY, PIG... WHY YOU SO LATE THIS MORNING?
BAH BAH BAH BAH
BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH
I WAS AT THE PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE... I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING A NOSE DONE.
WORK, HUH? WHAT KIND OF WORK?
JUST ON MY FACE. EYES, NOSE, YOU KNOW? BUT THE DOCTOR LIKES YOU TO THINK THRU THIS INITIAL CONSULTATION FIRST.
I SAID IT'S A LONG CONSULTATION.
YEAH, HE'S GOT THIS BIG CATALOG OF DIFFERENT FACES TO CHOOSE FROM. I SPENT THE FIRST HALF-HOUR JUST TRYING TO PICK MY NEW NOSE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ELSE DID YOU DO? SPEED UP A LITTLE... IT'S SO CROWDED IN HERE TODAY.
I SPENT TWO HOURS PICKING MY NOSE!!
HEY. IT LOOKS LIKE THE NERD'S CLEARING OUT.
I DON'T KNOW HIM.

Humanity now stands rudderless. Hence, let us cry without cessation for the next thousand years.
Hey, Rat. What’s that you wrote there?
My future eulogy.
I’ll be leaving now.
Is a thousand years too short?

WELL, GUYS, I BROKE UP WITH HSOSANNA. SHE NEVER DID HAVE MUCH OF A PERSONALITY. SO NOW I'M DATING SOMEONE MORE CHARISMATIC. SOMEONE WHO REALLY LIGHTS UP A ROOM.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. I'D LIKE TO MEET HER SOME DAY.
AND TO THINK SOME CARTOONISTS TAKE PRIDE IN THEIR WORK.

you know, pig, before you start dating a mop, you should try one of those internet dating sites. you tell them stuff about yourself, like your interests and your intellect, and they suggest a good mate for you.
i tried that.
who’d they suggest?
a mop.
it was love at first sight.

WELL, GOAT, I SHOULD GO. I'VE GOT A BIG DATE TONIGHT.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. YOU SURE SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN OVER PIGITA. WHO'S THE NEW LADY?
I'M THINKING YOU COULD DO BETTER.

HEY, RAT, CHECK OUT THIS MODEL OF AN ATOLL I MADE...WHEN I PRESS THE BUTTON, IT SAYS STUFF...WATCH...
I'M A RING OF CORAL ENCIRCLING A LAGOON.
HMM, THAT'S PRETTY COOL. LET ME TRY.
YOU ARE A GRR, IDIOT.
OH MY GOODNESS,
IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING, ATOLL.
DON'T YOU HAVE A FREEWAY YOU CAN PLAY ON?

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?

FILLING OUT MY
CALENDAR FOR
THE MONTH. I
LIKE TO KEEP ON
TOP OF MY SOCIAL
SCHEDULE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT EVENTS DO
YOU HAVE COMING UP?
NEXT TUESDAY IS THE
EXPIRATION DATE ON
MY MILK.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO
GET OUT MORE.
WHOA... SAME DAY
AS THE CHEESE...
GONNA BE A BUSY
TUESDAY.

Ding dong ding dong.
WHAT DO YOU IDIOTS WANT?
We sue you face.
Sue me? OVER WHAT?
We find out lions eat a zeeba.
YEAH. IT WAS TERRIBLE. WHY??
So week before, tiger eat zeeba. And month before, cheetah eat zeeba.
YEAH. ALL THAT HAPPENED. SO?
So during entire time, not one of you zeebas get eaten by croc.
So?
So you racist.
I'M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW.
WHUH? DOES WE WANT? EQUAL EATING!
WHEN DOES WE WANT IT? NOW!
NOW!!

HEY, PIG, CAN I DROP YOU INTO A CAGE OF ANGRY, HYPER-TERRITORIAL BABOONS?
NO.
COULD I AT LEAST BORROW TEN DOLLARS?
SURE.
THE KEY TO NEGOTIATION IS TO START BIG.

HEY, RAT, IT'S ME
AND GOAT... WE
JUST THOUGHT
WE'D CALL AND
SEE WHAT YOU'RE
DOING.
RIGHT NOW I'M
WATCHING 'JERSEY
SHORE' AND
UPDATING MY
FACEBOOK PAGE
AND FRYING A
LITTLE BACON.
I THOUGHT
YOU HAD
TO DRIVE
SOMEWHERE
TODAY.
I'M DOING THAT, TOO.
THAT CAN'T BE SAFE.

HEY, THERE, GOAT... I HEAR YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE.
YEAH... SHE'S SMART... TALL... SHE HAS BLUE EYES... AND SHE'S A DIRTY BLONDE.
I FELT COMPELLED TO DEFEND HER HONOR.

DUDE, CHECK IT… I’VE INVENTED A NEW EXPRESSION… IT’S “YO, SNAP! AHASSA MATTA HAMMA?”
WHAT THE HECK’S THAT SPPOSED TO MEAN?
IT MEANS, “I JUST BURNED YOU. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?” I’M HOPING IT SWEEPS THE NATION.
I WOULDN’T LET IT SWEEP MY BATHROOM FLOOR.
YO! SNAP! AHASSA MATTA HAMMA?!
IT’S A SAD DAY WHEN A NERD CARTOONIST GETS THE BETTER OF YOU.

DUDE, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD A JOB INTERVIEW.
I DO, BUT I LIKE THE COMFORT OF MY WARM COVERS.
YEAH, WELL, EMPLOYERS LIKE PEOPLE WHO SHOW UP ON TIME.
YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.
AM I ON TIME?

Hullo. Me Eester Bunny. Me want hide eggs een you house.
YEAH, HEAL. THE EASTER BUNNY I KNOW DOESN'T NEED TO ARTIFICIALLY BUILD UP HIS COURAGE TO KNOCK ON MY DOOR PRETENDING HE'S THE EASTER BUNNY.
It been rough year for Easter Bunnies.

I AM NOT A GOOD CARTOONIST.
I AM NOT SMART.
I AM NOT FUNNY.
I AM NOT EVEN AMUSING.
TRUTH BE KNOWN, I SHOULD HAVE REMAINED AN ATTORNEY, WHICH IS WHAT I WAS BEFORE THIS JOB.
SO I’M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.
I’M SORRY FOR THE POOR DRAWING.
I’M SORRY FOR MY ARROGANCE.
I’M SORRY FOR THE PUNS.
AND I’M SORRY FOR THE DISRESPECT I’VE SHOWN TOWARD OTHER CARTOONISTS.
BUT MOST OF ALL, I’M SORRY FOR HAVING AN UGLY, UGLY FACE.
NEW HOBBY?
PLEASE, SIR... NO HECKLING THE VENTRILOQUIST.
WHOA! WHICH ONE’S THE REAL DUMMY?

YOU ENTER THIS WORLD ALONE.
YOU LEAVE THIS WORLD ALONE.
BUT IN BETWEEN WE'VE GOT DONUTS!!
IN BETWEEN,
WE'VE GOT MORONS.
MMMMMMMMMM...
EXISTENCE GOOOOOOOOOD.

LET'S HAVE AN "UGLY FACE" CONTEST TO SEE WHO CAN MAKE THE UGLIEST FACE.
WHOA. YOU WIN.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
DUDE, STOP. THE CONTEST IS OVER.