Pearls Before Swine | Search

I SURE MISS PHONE BOOTHS.
WHO NEEDS STUPID PHONE BOOTHS WHEN EVERYONE HAS A CELL PHONE?
FORGOT ABOUT THAT GUY.

YOU EVER FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE NOT AS YOUNG AS YOU'D LIKE TO THINK? LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE OLD NOW? I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
CAN YOU REMEMBER THESE?
OH, GAWD.
HEY, PIG ... GOAT'S OLD.
HA HA HA... WHAT IS THAT?

YOU EVER HAD A FRIEND AS CLOSE AS RAT IS TO ME WHO ONE DAY JUST THREW YOU UNDER THE BUS?
OH, PIG... DID RAT BETRAY YOU?
NO.
WHAT'D HE DO?
HE THREW ME UNDER THE BUS.
WHAT'S THIS BETRAYAL THING?

Whuh you doing, Bob?
Beeg gopher paratroop drop on zebra property. Ees Bob's Beeg Plan.
Para-troop drop?
Yeah. Me teach gophers to parachute jump off beeg cliff and trow grenade at moment dey ees hit ground.
How dey remember all dat?
Protectee, Larry, protectee, protectee, protectee, protectee. Dat key to military. Soldier ees protectee so many time it become like
Me sense flaw een plan, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
GAME SHOW CONCEPTS…SEE, I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW CALLED “MINUTE TO WIN IT,” (WHICH HAS THESE CHALLENGES YOU HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH IN A MINUTE), SO I THOUGHT, WHY NOT DO THE SAME THING, BUT SET IT IN A BATHROOM?
I SEE…AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
“HOUR TO SHOWER.”
UH…I DON’T THINK—
OKAY OKAY OKAY HOW ‘BOUT “DAY TO GO POTTAY.”

HEY, STEPH, YOU WENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT BERKELEY, RIGHT?
YEP. I'M A CAL BEAR FOR LIFE.
AND DOES YOUR SCHOOL HAVE A RIVAL CALLED...UHH... "STANFORD"?
YEP. WE CAN'T STAND 'EM. WHY?
NO REASON.
TAKE IT OFF.
PIPE DOWN, SAD PUBLIC SCHOOL HIPPIE BOY.

PIG... IT'S ME, RAT... I CAN'T SLEEP... I'M TOO AFRAID.
AFRAID OF THE DARK?
AFRAID OF LAZY CARTOONISTS WHO USE DARK ROOM GAGS TO SAVE THEMSELVES TWO PANELS OF DRAWING.
THAT HURTS.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOME PEOPLE. THEY'RE HUGE FANS OF YOURS.
THEY REALLY, REALLY LIKE ME :)
WELL, I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR. THEY THINK YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU JUST SAID THEY'RE HUGE FANS.
I PREFER THE TERM 'PORTLY'.
SORRY. THEY'RE PORTLY FANS.
PARDON ME WHILE I BEAT THE PORTLY PIG.
HEY, DUDE, WE LIKE YOU, BUT NOT A LOT.

Hey, son, wann feesh wid me and Bob? Lake s'pose have huge feesh.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS USING FOR BAIT?
Bob.
You made me miss feesh.

Zeeba neighba...look out weendow... Ees thundering hoofs of hunded zeeba migrating cross Serengeti. Come outside...Join you people...
HOOF HOOF HOOF HOOF HOOF
You drawings not dat photo-realistic, Larry.
Hey, Zeeba hoofs no go ‘HOOF HOOF,’ Bob.

I am a moron who deserves this
I am a moron who deserves this
FOR THE LAST TIME, "PEARLS" IS NOT GETTING ITS OWN POSTAGE STAMP.
HEY! BEETLE BAILEY GOT ONE!!
MAY I MAKE A DESIGN COMMENT?

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO OUR ANNUAL "ONE HOUR LUNCHEON TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE WRONG OVER THE LAST YEAR," WHICH RAT HERE ASKED ME TO SCHEDULE TODAY AT THIS ODD HOUR OF TEN IN THE MORNING.
WHY NOW?
BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOMENT WE SET THE CLOCKS FORWARD. OH, WELL... MEETING ADJOURNED.
YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE HIS PLANNING.

HEY, PIG...HOW'S YOUR EX, PIGITA? I HEARD SHE WAS DATING DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE.
NOT ANYMORE. NOW SHE'S LOOKING FOR A GUY WHO'LL DROP EVERYTHING FOR HER AND JUST TAKE HER IN HIS ARMS.
THIS IS NOT GOING WELL.

I DON'T GET IT, DONNY... WHY DID MY EX GAL CALL YOU A DUNG BEETLE?
I HAVE NO IDEA, MY DEAR. I'M A SCARAB, NOT A LOWLY DUNG BEETLE WHO LIVES IN A GROSS, DISGUSTING BALL OF ---
HERE, DONNY ... I THINK YOU DROPPED YOUR HOUSE.
I'M PLANNING EXTENSIVE REMODELS.

THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME OUT TONIGHT, DONNY. NOW THAT I'M SINGLE, IT'S NICE TO DATE NEW GUYS. TELL ME AGAIN WHAT YOU ARE.
SURELY, MY DEAR. I AM A SCARAB BEETLE. WE WERE HELD SACRED BY THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS. WE WERE EVEN WORSHIPPED.
HEY, DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE!!
I KNOW NOT OF WHO HE SPEAKS.

HEY, PIG. HOW YOU DOING?
NOT GOOD. MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BROKE UP WITH ME WITH A "FACEBOOK" MESSAGE. SHE TOLD ME I'M STUPID AND SHE HATES ME AND WE'RE THROUGH. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? SHE COULDN'T EVEN DO IT IN PERSON.
YOU'RE STUPID. I HATE YOU. WE'RE THROUGH.
I FEEL BETTER NOW.

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS, SIR... THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT WE GOT INSIDE THE TARGET ZEBRA'S HOUSE, BUT JUST BARELY MISSED NABBING HIM!
DAT DA GUD NEWS? WHUH DA BAD NEWS?
PRIVATE DANNY PULLED THE PIN ON HIS GRENADE. MEANING THAT AS SOON AS HE LETS GO OF IT, THERE WILL BE A VERY BIG KABOOM..
WE SHOULD PROBABLY CANCEL TONIGHT'S TICKLE FIGHT.

HEY, RAT, MIND PASSING THE SALT?
SURE
WHEN DID YOU LIKE GREASY FOOD?
SINCE I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED... IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DEPRESSED ABOUT?
I DUNNO... I JUST FEEL SO WORTHLESS. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO TRANSFORM MY LIFE, YOU KNOW, BE THE GUY WHO FUNDS AN ORPHANAGE, OR OPENS A FOOD BANK, OR CARES FOR THE SICK.
YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT IT, TOO, RAT... YOU KNOW, THINK ABOUT SOMETHING GREAT AND MEANINGFUL YOU CAN DO FOR OTHERS.
I'LL PASS THE SALT.
GREAT.
HEY, RAT, WOULD YOU MIND PASSING THE --
HEY! ONE @#$%&*# FAVOR A DAY, FATTY!!!

HEY, ZEBRA, I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN... DO YOU WANT ANY--
THE GOPHER GRENADIER BRIGADE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT ZEBRA'S HOUSE?
WE ARE TRAINED ASSASSINS. WE ARE EFFICIENT. WE ARE DEADLY. AND WE ARE HERE TO BLOW UP YOUR FRIEND.
OHH. THAT WOULD NOT BE VERY NICE. YOU TWO SHOULD LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
FOR ASSASSINS, WE'RE PRETTY EASILY PERSUADED.

HEY, ZEBRA... DID YOU EVER GET RID OF THAT DOGGY DOOR YOU HAVE IN YOUR BACK DOOR?
I WAS GOING TO BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT THE CROCS TO USE IT, BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY'RE TOO FAT TO SQUEEZE THROUGH.
SO NOW WHAT?
SO NOW I JUST LEAVE IT... BELIEVE ME, WITH ALL THE PREDATORS AFTER ME, IT'S NICE TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE ENTRANCE TO THE HOUSE I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.
NICE PAD.

BAD NEWS, SIR, THE GOPHER GRENADE BRIGADE IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. MY BEST GUESS IS THEY'VE CROSSED THE BORDER INTO PAKISTAN.
PAKISTAN? WE'RE NOT ON THE BORDER OF PAKISTAN.
THEN MY BEST GUESS IS THAT SOMEONE HERE IS GIVING THEM SAFE HAVEN.
WHO'S GOT ANY USE FOR A BUNCH OF GOPHERS WITH GRENADES?
Sweet dreams, assassseen frends.

L'IL GUARD DUCK! REPORTS OF YOUR GOPHER GRENADE BRIGADE ARE POPPING UP EVERYWHERE!
I REALIZE THAT, SIR. I'M TRYING TO ASSESS THEIR INDIVIDUAL THREAT LEVELS BY DETERMINING WHICH ONES HAVE ADVANCED GRENADE TRAINING AND WHICH ONES ARE ONLY AT THE INTERMEDIATE LEVEL.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
HEY! I GOT THE PIN OUT!
OOOH, IT'S SO SHINY.

HEY, UH, GUARD DUCK, ONE
OF OUR NEIGHBORS JUST
TOLD ME HE WAS THREATENED
BY ONE OF YOUR
GRENADE-LAUNCHING
GOPHERS.
THAT CAN'T
BE. SIR.
I HAVE TO
APPROVE ALL
HIGH-VALUE
TARGETS.
WELL,
IT
HAPPENED.
MERCY ME. THAT WOULD MEAN
THAT MEMBERS OF MY GOPHER
GRENADE BRIGADE HAVE GONE
ROGUE. GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT
MILITARY OPERATIONS A UNIT
LIKE THAT MIGHT COMMENCE.
TWO FREE HOT DOGS PLEASE.

HEY, LIL' GUARD DUCK, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THOSE GOPHERS YOU TRAINED TO CARRY GRENADES?
I POINTED THEM TOWARD THE TALIBAN, BUT SOMEHOW THEY NEVER GOT FARTHER THAN PITTSBURGH. SO NOW I JUST USE THEM AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD FOR LITTLE DOMESTIC THINGS.
LIKE WHAT?
MOW YOUR LAWN OR ELSE, BOB.

OKAY, EVERYONE... WHY DON'T YOU ALL LINE UP ON THE LEFT SIDE HERE?
BUT PLEASE... NO PUSHING.
PLEASE. PEOPLE. PLEASE. NO PUSHING.
OKAY, OKAY... WHY DON'T WE JUST DO IT THIS WAY...
EACH OF YOU DRAW A NUMBER FROM THIS HAT AND THEN I CALL YOUR NUMBER.
OKAY... UH... NUMBER ONE... WHO'S GOT NUMBER ONE?
PLEASE, PEOPLE, LISTEN FOR YOUR NUMBER
A GUY CAN HOPE, CAN'T HE?
NEED ME TO KNOCK A FEW HEADS, SIR?