Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU BECOME MIDDLE-AGED?
WHEN ON A SUMMER VACATION, YOU TUCK A COLLARED SHIRT INTO KHAKI SHORTS HELD UP BY A BELT.
OKAY, SWEETIE, "FROMMER'S" SAYS THE VIEW HERE IS DELIGHTFUL.
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU'RE ACCURATE.
NEW, SIR, THAT'S A HAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE WORN WHEN YOU STILL CARED.

HEY, DAD...WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR VICE PRESIDENT'S HAT?
Me got kicked out. Me no want talk about it.
GEE DAD, I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?
Me form own club. Club One Guy. Is guy who juss sit alone in box.
CAN IT BE "CLUB TWO GUY"?
Okay. But me gonna have to change stationery.

LARRY, THE KIDS' CLUB TREEHOUSE HAS VOTED TO KICK YOU OUT OF THE GROUP. PLEASE TURN IN YOUR HAT.
HA! Me keck "YOU out". Me gett frends help me een beeeg coup!
Larry, you're mistakenly pronouncing the "P" in "coup". The "P" is silent. So when you say it your way, it has a whole different meaning.
HA! Whuh da heck you know, Meester Inteelektual?
How dis help larry?

EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT I'D LIKE TO MAKE A MOTION THAT WE IMPEACH VICE PRESIDENT LARRY, I SUSPECT HIM OF DISLOYALTY.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
Me juss doing leetle pruning.
Club

HEY, PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, IRA GLASS. HE'S THE HOST OF MY FAVORITE RADIO SHOW, 'THIS AMERICAN LIFE'.
HI... IT'S REALLY NICE TO--
FIRE! FIRE!
PIG! PIG! WHAT THE @#%*$# ARE YOU--
HEY... FIRES OUT...
I'M A HERO.
I AM SO, SO SORRY.

PIG, TAKE A MEMO... "I HAVE A FINAL WISH THAT I'D LIKE YOU, MY FRIENDS, TO TAKE NOTE OF AND FULFILL SHOULD I DIE AN UNTIMELY DEATH.
SURE, RAT, WHAT IS IT?
I'D LIKE YOU, TOO, TO STOP LIVING.
YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE VAIN.
OH, AND MAKE THE WORLD STOP. IT SHOULDN'T GO ON WITHOUT ME.
STOP... WHOLE... WORLD...

HEY, CARTOON BOY, THERE'S A WORD FOR WHEN A PERSON HAS TO GO NUMBER TWO THAT BEGINS WITH A "P". CAN WE USE IT ON THE COMICS PAGE OR WILL THE "MAN" STOP US?
WE CAN'T USE IT.
GEE, THAT'S STRICT. AM I ALLOWED TO SHOW YOU THE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THIS MODEL SHIP I JUST BUILT OR IS THAT BANNED TOO?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH YOUR LAST QUESTION, BUT YEAH, OF COURSE YOU CAN.
GOOD. THAT'S THE POOP DECK.
ENOUGH.
A WHOLE DECK FOR THAT?

Hey, leetle duck... Me know you like fat peggy guy, but me want buy you services for eemportant meestun.
Hmmm. Let me think about that.
Is you done tinkng?

HEY, PIG. WHERE YOU BEEN?
GETTING MY TOMBSTONE MADE...I ALWAYS LIKE TO PLAN AHEAD...I TOLD THE GUY TO GIVE ME A REAL NICE EPITHET.
"EPITAPH"..."EPITHET" IS AN INSULT.
NUTS.
PIG A #$&@*# IDIOT

Okay, guys, Meester Vice
Presydent Larry ask you
here becus me need you help
een very eemportant meester.
Whuh dat?
Me revalting.
No, you not,
Larry. You
juss leetle
bit ugly.
Mebbe me
no need
you help,
Bob.
Mebbe juss
geet new face,
you be okay,
Larry.

LISTEN, LARRY...
"Meester Vice Preesydent Larry."
OH, GIVE IT UP, LARRY. I'M NOT GONNA CALL YOU "MR. VICE PRESIDENT." YOU'RE THE VICE-PRESIDENT OF A LITTLE KID'S TREEHOUSE.
For now.
FOR NOW?
Me gonna stage coup.
GET OUT OF THE BED, LARRY.
"Meester Vice Preesydent Larry."

LISTEN, RAT… YOU NEED TO START THINKING ABOUT YOUR CAREER PATH WITH JOE'S ROASTERY… IT OFFERS GREAT BENEFITS.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS…
I ACT LIKE SOMEONE I'M NOT TO GET AHEAD… YOU ACT LIKE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT TO GET AHEAD.

WE BOTH PRETEND LIKE WE CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER'S FAMILIES. WE SOMETIMES GRAB A BEER.

WE GO TO THE PARTIES WE HAVE TO. WE SMILE WHEN WE NEED TO. WE PRAISE WHO WE HAVE TO.

WE ACT LIKE TEAM PLAYERS. WE BITE OUR TONGUES. AND WE HIDE OUR INDIVIDUALITY FOR FORTY YEARS.
THEN WE DIE.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA SELL ALL MY POSSESSIONS AND BACKPACK THROUGH NEPAL.
I'M GOOD FOR MORALE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HOW'S YOUR SON, WILLY?
OH, GREAT, PIG. HE JUST TURNED TWELVE AND STARTED SEVENTH GRADE.
TWELVE, HUH? WHAT A WONDERFUL AGE! YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS, SOCCER, VIDEO GAMES, SUMMER CAMP... IS HE ENJOYING IT ALL?
OH, YEAH... AND ALL I'VE ASKED HIM TO DO IS TO MAKE SURE HE MAINTAINS A PERFECT 4.0...
YAAAY, CHILDHOOD.
OH ... HI, WILLY.
SHHHH. HE WON'T GET INTO YALE.

HI. GIMME AN ICED DOUBLE TALL NONFAT TO VANILLA LATTE.
OKAY, BUT LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION FIRST…
YOU EVER HAD A HIGH-MAINTENANCE GIRLFRIEND?
YEAH, A WHILE BACK, I GUESS, BUT WE BROKE UP… WAIT…
WHY YOU ASKING ME THIS?
BECAUSE YOU’RE A HIGH-MAINTENANCE CUSTOMER,
AND I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU.
GIMME MY COFFEE.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, RAT?
FINE. BUT DON’T SERVE THE UGLY MAN.
WE’RE BROKEN UP.

EXCUSE ME, RAT, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHY THERE'S A CUSTOMER SITTING IN OUR STORAGE ROOM?
OH, THAT GUY? YEAH, HE HAD A VERY COMPLICATED DRINK ORDER.
SO?
SO I GAVE HIM A TIME-OUT.
WE DO NOT DISCIPLINE OUR CUSTOMERS.
WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL.
MAY I COME OUT NOW?

HI, I'D LIKE A GRANDE, ONE PUMP,
VANILLA, NONFAT, CARAMEL MACCHIATO.
AND I'D LIKE WORLD PEACE,
BUT LO, IT'S NOT TO BE.
I TAKE IT
I'M NOT GETTING
MY ORDER.
SHHHH. I'M
WISHING FOR
UNICORNS TO
DANCE UPON
YOUR HEAD.

HI. GIMME A--
OH, GREAT. AREN'T YOU
THAT RUDE EMPLOYEE
THAT WORKED HERE
YEARS AGO?
YES, I'M BACK.
BUT WITH A NEW
GUARANTEE... I'M
EITHER NICE TO
YOU OR YOUR
NEXT CUP'S FREE.
BUT WILL
YOU BE RUDE
THE NEXT TIME?
RUDER.
WHAT
KIND OF
DEAL IS
THAT?
NOT A GOOD ONE,
YOU OAFISH CHOWDERHEAD.
OOPS... NEXT ONE'S
ON ME.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WE'RE
NOT GONNA LEARN THE
IDENTITIES OF THESE NAVY
SEAL GUYS THAT KILLED
OSAMA BIN LADEN? THEY
KEEP IT SECRET.
SO WE'LL
NEVER
KNOW WHO
ACTUALLY
PULLED THE
TRIGGER?
THAT'S ONE
MYSTERIOUS DUCK.

Mr. Stevie Sheep was tired of shepherdom.
So when his flock ate grass, Mr. Stevie ate berries.
And when his flock went, Baaaaaa, Mr. Stevie went, Waaaaaaa.
And when his flock went into the meadow, Mr. Stevie went into the woods.
Where he could go "Waaaa" to his heart's content.
Which, coincidentally, is the same sound made by an injured or otherwise vulnerable sheep.
Which is how he met Mr. Wolf.
THIS IS YOUR INSPIRATION??!BE YOURSELF BOOK??!
SO, KIDS, BE YOURSELF, BUT MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SOUND LIKE A DYING SHEEP.
I WILL NEVER BE MYSELF!

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, MEDUSA. SHE'S THAT REPULSIVE WOMAN FROM GREEK MYTHOLOGY.
I'VE HEARD OF MEDUSA. BUT SHE DOESN'T HAVE THOSE SNAKES IN HER HAIR...HOW CAN SHE BE REPULSIVE WITHOUT SNAKES?
SHE HAS LAWYERS.
SUE HIM.
BILL HIM.
FLEECE HIM.
I THINK I'LL CHANGE SEATS.

OKAY, YESTERDAY WE HAD SOME RUDENESS DURING OUR MEETING, SO I'M GONNA ASK EVERYONE TO PLEASE LIMIT THEIR COMMENTS TO CONSTRUCTIVE PROPOSALS. TIMMY, THE FLOOR IS YOURS.
OKAY, I PROPOSE THAT WE HELP THAT POOR ZEBRA WHO'S ALWAYS RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE BY BUILDING HIM A HUGE PROTECTIVE WALL.
Me propose we push Timmy out waxindow.
HOW IS THAT CONSTRUCTIVE, LARRY?
Me want see if he can fly.

INSIDE THE KIDS CLUB TREEHOUSE
OKAY, FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS IS WHAT WE CAN DO TO HELP SOME-ONE IN OUR COMMUNITY. YES, TIMMY?
HOW 'BOUT THAT POOR ZEBRA WHO'S ALWAYS RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE? MAYBE WE COULD HELP HIM.
EES YOU ON DRUGS-?!!
WILL THE VICE-PRESIDENT PLEASE TAKE HIS SEAT?
Okay... May me drop on Timmy's head?

WHY IS EVERYONE SO DOWN ON THE MORALS OF HOLLYWOOD? WHAT'S WRONG WITH PICKING THE STAR OF A MOVIE AS YOUR ROLE MODEL?
NOTHING, I GUESS. WHO WOULD YOU PICK?
JACK NICHOLSON IN "THE SHINING".
CHECK, PLEASE.
HEEEEERE'S RATTY...

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M WRITING A LETTER TO THE HOST OF THIS CABLE NEWS SHOW. HIS DISCUSSION OF AN ISSUE WAS SO UNFAIR.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG...IT'S CRITICAL IN A DEMOCRACY THAT CITIZENS ENGAGE IN THE PROCESS BY DEBATING ISSUES THOUGHTFULLY WITH OTHERS. HERE, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR.
Dear Poopyhead
PERHAPS I COULD BE THOUGHTFUL-ER.

HI… I’M TIMMY, OUR SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY. YOU MUST BE OUR NEW V.P.
Yeah. But you no has to bow. Me like keep tings centramal.
OH, I’D HARDLY BOW. THE V.P IS A MEANINGLESS FIGUREHEAD WITH NOTHING TO DO. BY THE WAY, WHAT’S THAT YOU WROTE ON YOUR NAMETAG?
‘Meester Guy So Funny Almost Even Funny’.
YOU SEEM UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT.
Hey… Seence you secretary, mebbe you geet Larry coffee?