Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND, SMOKEY THE BEAR?
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.
HE'D PROBABLY LIKE IT IF YOU BOUGHT HIM A BEER.
WHY SHOULD I BUY HIM A BEER?
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT SMOKEY GOING HOME SOBER.
THIS COULD GET ANNOYING.
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT SMOKEY GOING HOME LONELY.
CREEP.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A HALO AND WINGS?
I, RAT, HAVE FOUND RELIGION.
YOU?
YES, MY BROTHER. I AM EVEN FASTING FOR LENT.
FASTING?...WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP?...MEATS?...ALCOHOL?
MORONS.
MORONS?
YES, BROTHER. FOR THE NEXT 24 DAYS, I WILL NO LONGER CHAT WITH THE SIMPLETONS AND IDIOTS AROUND ME.
HOW CAN YOU CLAIM TO BE RELIGIOUS IF YOU'RE GOING AROUND CALLING PEOPLE YOU TALK TO "MORONS" AND "SIMPLETONS" AND "IDIOTS"?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA RESPOND?
I'D BE BREAKING MY FAST.
WHY DO I—
AWAY, CHOWDERHEAD! TEMPT ME NOT!!

I SAW THE PRETTIEST WOMAN YESTERDAY. I JUST FELL HEAD OVER HEELS.
YOU REALLY LOVED HER, HUH?
NO. I JUST FEW. HEAD OVER HEELS.
I SHOULD WATCH WHERE I'M GOING.

HEY, RAT, THE GUY WHO OWNS
OUR ENTIRE AVENUE AND
BUILT ALL THE HOUSES ON IT
IS AT OUR FRONT DOOR AND
SAYS OUR RENT IS DUE.
HOW DO YOU
KNOW IT'S
HIM?
BECAUSE HE LOOKS
LIKE A RICH GUY
THAT WOULD DO
THAT SORT OF
THING.
WHAT THE HECK'S
THAT S'POSED TO
MEAN?... TELL
HIM WE WANT
SOME I.D.
MY FRIEND WOULD LIKE SOME I.D.

HEY RAT, THANKS
FOR LETTING ME
STAY AT YOUR
HOUSE WHILE
MINE IS BEING
PAINTED.
IT'S NO SKIN
OFF MY
NOSE, DUDE.
PIG'S THE ONE
VOLUNTEERING
HIS BEDROOM.
THIS IS PIG'S BEDROOM?
YEP, THIS IS
WHERE THE
MAGIC HAPPENS.
THE WHAT??
TA- DAAAAAAAAAAAAA
NEVER
MIND.
AND WHOOOOO
WOULD LIKE TO BE
SAWED IN HALF
BY THE GREAT
PIGINI??
PSST...
DON'T
VOLUNTEER.

I SURE MISS PHONE BOOTHS.
WHO NEEDS STUPID PHONE BOOTHS WHEN EVERYONE HAS A CELL PHONE?
FORGOT ABOUT THAT GUY.

YOU EVER FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE NOT AS YOUNG AS YOU'D LIKE TO THINK? LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE OLD NOW? I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
CAN YOU REMEMBER THESE?
OH, GAWD.
HEY, PIG ... GOAT'S OLD.
HA HA HA... WHAT IS THAT?

YOU EVER HAD A FRIEND AS CLOSE AS RAT IS TO ME WHO ONE DAY JUST THREW YOU UNDER THE BUS?
OH, PIG... DID RAT BETRAY YOU?
NO.
WHAT'D HE DO?
HE THREW ME UNDER THE BUS.
WHAT'S THIS BETRAYAL THING?

Whuh you doing, Bob?
Beeg gopher paratroop drop on zebra property. Ees Bob's Beeg Plan.
Para-troop drop?
Yeah. Me teach gophers to parachute jump off beeg cliff and trow grenade at moment dey ees hit ground.
How dey remember all dat?
Protectee, Larry, protectee, protectee, protectee, protectee. Dat key to military. Soldier ees protectee so many time it become like
Me sense flaw een plan, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
GAME SHOW CONCEPTS…SEE, I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW CALLED “MINUTE TO WIN IT,” (WHICH HAS THESE CHALLENGES YOU HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH IN A MINUTE), SO I THOUGHT, WHY NOT DO THE SAME THING, BUT SET IT IN A BATHROOM?
I SEE…AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
“HOUR TO SHOWER.”
UH…I DON’T THINK—
OKAY OKAY OKAY HOW ‘BOUT “DAY TO GO POTTAY.”

HEY, STEPH, YOU WENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT BERKELEY, RIGHT?
YEP. I'M A CAL BEAR FOR LIFE.
AND DOES YOUR SCHOOL HAVE A RIVAL CALLED...UHH... "STANFORD"?
YEP. WE CAN'T STAND 'EM. WHY?
NO REASON.
TAKE IT OFF.
PIPE DOWN, SAD PUBLIC SCHOOL HIPPIE BOY.

PIG... IT'S ME, RAT... I CAN'T SLEEP... I'M TOO AFRAID.
AFRAID OF THE DARK?
AFRAID OF LAZY CARTOONISTS WHO USE DARK ROOM GAGS TO SAVE THEMSELVES TWO PANELS OF DRAWING.
THAT HURTS.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOME PEOPLE. THEY'RE HUGE FANS OF YOURS.
THEY REALLY, REALLY LIKE ME :)
WELL, I WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR. THEY THINK YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU JUST SAID THEY'RE HUGE FANS.
I PREFER THE TERM 'PORTLY'.
SORRY. THEY'RE PORTLY FANS.
PARDON ME WHILE I BEAT THE PORTLY PIG.
HEY, DUDE, WE LIKE YOU, BUT NOT A LOT.

Hey, son, wann feesh wid me and Bob? Lake s'pose have huge feesh.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS USING FOR BAIT?
Bob.
You made me miss feesh.

Zeeba neighba...look out weendow... Ees thundering hoofs of hunded zeeba migrating cross Serengeti. Come outside...Join you people...
HOOF HOOF HOOF HOOF HOOF
You drawings not dat photo-realistic, Larry.
Hey, Zeeba hoofs no go ‘HOOF HOOF,’ Bob.

I am a moron who deserves this
I am a moron who deserves this
FOR THE LAST TIME, "PEARLS" IS NOT GETTING ITS OWN POSTAGE STAMP.
HEY! BEETLE BAILEY GOT ONE!!
MAY I MAKE A DESIGN COMMENT?

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO OUR ANNUAL "ONE HOUR LUNCHEON TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE WRONG OVER THE LAST YEAR," WHICH RAT HERE ASKED ME TO SCHEDULE TODAY AT THIS ODD HOUR OF TEN IN THE MORNING.
WHY NOW?
BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOMENT WE SET THE CLOCKS FORWARD. OH, WELL... MEETING ADJOURNED.
YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE HIS PLANNING.

HEY, PIG...HOW'S YOUR EX, PIGITA? I HEARD SHE WAS DATING DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE.
NOT ANYMORE. NOW SHE'S LOOKING FOR A GUY WHO'LL DROP EVERYTHING FOR HER AND JUST TAKE HER IN HIS ARMS.
THIS IS NOT GOING WELL.

I DON'T GET IT, DONNY... WHY DID MY EX GAL CALL YOU A DUNG BEETLE?
I HAVE NO IDEA, MY DEAR. I'M A SCARAB, NOT A LOWLY DUNG BEETLE WHO LIVES IN A GROSS, DISGUSTING BALL OF ---
HERE, DONNY ... I THINK YOU DROPPED YOUR HOUSE.
I'M PLANNING EXTENSIVE REMODELS.

THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME OUT TONIGHT, DONNY. NOW THAT I'M SINGLE, IT'S NICE TO DATE NEW GUYS. TELL ME AGAIN WHAT YOU ARE.
SURELY, MY DEAR. I AM A SCARAB BEETLE. WE WERE HELD SACRED BY THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS. WE WERE EVEN WORSHIPPED.
HEY, DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE!!
I KNOW NOT OF WHO HE SPEAKS.

HEY, PIG. HOW YOU DOING?
NOT GOOD. MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BROKE UP WITH ME WITH A "FACEBOOK" MESSAGE. SHE TOLD ME I'M STUPID AND SHE HATES ME AND WE'RE THROUGH. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? SHE COULDN'T EVEN DO IT IN PERSON.
YOU'RE STUPID. I HATE YOU. WE'RE THROUGH.
I FEEL BETTER NOW.

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS, SIR... THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT WE GOT INSIDE THE TARGET ZEBRA'S HOUSE, BUT JUST BARELY MISSED NABBING HIM!
DAT DA GUD NEWS? WHUH DA BAD NEWS?
PRIVATE DANNY PULLED THE PIN ON HIS GRENADE. MEANING THAT AS SOON AS HE LETS GO OF IT, THERE WILL BE A VERY BIG KABOOM..
WE SHOULD PROBABLY CANCEL TONIGHT'S TICKLE FIGHT.

HEY, RAT, MIND PASSING THE SALT?
SURE
WHEN DID YOU LIKE GREASY FOOD?
SINCE I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED... IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DEPRESSED ABOUT?
I DUNNO... I JUST FEEL SO WORTHLESS. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO TRANSFORM MY LIFE, YOU KNOW, BE THE GUY WHO FUNDS AN ORPHANAGE, OR OPENS A FOOD BANK, OR CARES FOR THE SICK.
YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT IT, TOO, RAT... YOU KNOW, THINK ABOUT SOMETHING GREAT AND MEANINGFUL YOU CAN DO FOR OTHERS.
I'LL PASS THE SALT.
GREAT.
HEY, RAT, WOULD YOU MIND PASSING THE --
HEY! ONE @#$%&*# FAVOR A DAY, FATTY!!!

HEY, ZEBRA, I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN... DO YOU WANT ANY--
THE GOPHER GRENADIER BRIGADE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT ZEBRA'S HOUSE?
WE ARE TRAINED ASSASSINS. WE ARE EFFICIENT. WE ARE DEADLY. AND WE ARE HERE TO BLOW UP YOUR FRIEND.
OHH. THAT WOULD NOT BE VERY NICE. YOU TWO SHOULD LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
FOR ASSASSINS, WE'RE PRETTY EASILY PERSUADED.

HEY, ZEBRA... DID YOU EVER GET RID OF THAT DOGGY DOOR YOU HAVE IN YOUR BACK DOOR?
I WAS GOING TO BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT THE CROCS TO USE IT, BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY'RE TOO FAT TO SQUEEZE THROUGH.
SO NOW WHAT?
SO NOW I JUST LEAVE IT... BELIEVE ME, WITH ALL THE PREDATORS AFTER ME, IT'S NICE TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE ENTRANCE TO THE HOUSE I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.
NICE PAD.