Pearls Before Swine | Search

Ding dong ding dong.
WHAT DO YOU IDIOTS WANT?
We sue you face.
Sue me? OVER WHAT?
We find out lions eat a zeeba.
YEAH. IT WAS TERRIBLE. WHY??
So week before, tiger eat zeeba. And month before, cheetah eat zeeba.
YEAH. ALL THAT HAPPENED. SO?
So during entire time, not one of you zeebas get eaten by croc.
So?
So you racist.
I'M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW.
WHUH? DOES WE WANT? EQUAL EATING!
WHEN DOES WE WANT IT? NOW!
NOW!!

HEY, PIG, CAN I DROP YOU INTO A CAGE OF ANGRY, HYPER-TERRITORIAL BABOONS?
NO.
COULD I AT LEAST BORROW TEN DOLLARS?
SURE.
THE KEY TO NEGOTIATION IS TO START BIG.

HEY, RAT, IT'S ME
AND GOAT... WE
JUST THOUGHT
WE'D CALL AND
SEE WHAT YOU'RE
DOING.
RIGHT NOW I'M
WATCHING 'JERSEY
SHORE' AND
UPDATING MY
FACEBOOK PAGE
AND FRYING A
LITTLE BACON.
I THOUGHT
YOU HAD
TO DRIVE
SOMEWHERE
TODAY.
I'M DOING THAT, TOO.
THAT CAN'T BE SAFE.

HEY, THERE, GOAT... I HEAR YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE.
YEAH... SHE'S SMART... TALL... SHE HAS BLUE EYES... AND SHE'S A DIRTY BLONDE.
I FELT COMPELLED TO DEFEND HER HONOR.

DUDE, CHECK IT… I’VE INVENTED A NEW EXPRESSION… IT’S “YO, SNAP! AHASSA MATTA HAMMA?”
WHAT THE HECK’S THAT SPPOSED TO MEAN?
IT MEANS, “I JUST BURNED YOU. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?” I’M HOPING IT SWEEPS THE NATION.
I WOULDN’T LET IT SWEEP MY BATHROOM FLOOR.
YO! SNAP! AHASSA MATTA HAMMA?!
IT’S A SAD DAY WHEN A NERD CARTOONIST GETS THE BETTER OF YOU.

DUDE, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD A JOB INTERVIEW.
I DO, BUT I LIKE THE COMFORT OF MY WARM COVERS.
YEAH, WELL, EMPLOYERS LIKE PEOPLE WHO SHOW UP ON TIME.
YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT.
AM I ON TIME?

Hullo. Me Eester Bunny. Me want hide eggs een you house.
YEAH, HEAL. THE EASTER BUNNY I KNOW DOESN'T NEED TO ARTIFICIALLY BUILD UP HIS COURAGE TO KNOCK ON MY DOOR PRETENDING HE'S THE EASTER BUNNY.
It been rough year for Easter Bunnies.

I AM NOT A GOOD CARTOONIST.
I AM NOT SMART.
I AM NOT FUNNY.
I AM NOT EVEN AMUSING.
TRUTH BE KNOWN, I SHOULD HAVE REMAINED AN ATTORNEY, WHICH IS WHAT I WAS BEFORE THIS JOB.
SO I’M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.
I’M SORRY FOR THE POOR DRAWING.
I’M SORRY FOR MY ARROGANCE.
I’M SORRY FOR THE PUNS.
AND I’M SORRY FOR THE DISRESPECT I’VE SHOWN TOWARD OTHER CARTOONISTS.
BUT MOST OF ALL, I’M SORRY FOR HAVING AN UGLY, UGLY FACE.
NEW HOBBY?
PLEASE, SIR... NO HECKLING THE VENTRILOQUIST.
WHOA! WHICH ONE’S THE REAL DUMMY?

YOU ENTER THIS WORLD ALONE.
YOU LEAVE THIS WORLD ALONE.
BUT IN BETWEEN WE'VE GOT DONUTS!!
IN BETWEEN,
WE'VE GOT MORONS.
MMMMMMMMMM...
EXISTENCE GOOOOOOOOOD.

LET'S HAVE AN "UGLY FACE" CONTEST TO SEE WHO CAN MAKE THE UGLIEST FACE.
WHOA. YOU WIN.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
DUDE, STOP. THE CONTEST IS OVER.

WHAT ARE YOU
READING,
GOAT?
"THE IDIOT,"
BY
FYODOR
DOSTOEVSKY.
THAT'S
TOO
BAD.
WHAT'S
TOO
BAD?
SOMEONE STOLE THE TITLE
OF YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
PLEASE
GO
AWAY.
IS
"MY SAD,
LONELY
LIFE"
STILL
AVAILABLE?

HEY, RAT, YOU MEETING ME AT THE DINER TODAY OR NOT?
CAN'T... I'M GOING ON A HOLY CRUSADE AGAINST STARBUCKS. THEY NEVER GIVE ME ENOUGH ROOM IN MY CUP FOR CREAM.
RAT, THE HOLY CRUSADES INVOLVED A BUNCH OF KNIGHTS IN THE MIDDLE AGES WHO TRIED TO RE-CLAIM THE HOLY LAND FOR CHRISTIANITY. I HARDLY THINK IT'S AN APT TERM FOR SOMEONE TRYING TO GET MORE ROOM IN HIS CUP FOR CREAM.
WHATEVER.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, GOAT?
HEY, PIG. MAYBE YOU CAN HELP ME... I'M TRYING TO PICK A VIVARIUM. I'M GONNA BUY A SNAKE AND I NEED A PLACE FOR HIM TO LIVE.
THEN WHY A VIVARIUM?
BECAUSE IT'S WHERE YOU KEEP SNAKES.
I THOUGHT IT'S WHERE YOU KEPT VIVIANS.
MAYBE I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
OHHHH, MY AUNT VIVIAN WOULD NEVER FIT IN THIS.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
FLYING TO MAUI... HE CASHED IN SOME MILES FROM HIS CREDIT CARD AND GOT A FIRST CLASS TICKET.
RAT FLYING FIRST CLASS, HUH? HOPE IT DOESN'T GO TO HIS HEAD AND MAKE HIM FEEL ALL SUPERIOR TO THE PEOPLE IN COACH.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
AND IF THERE'S AN ACCIDENT, DO YOU BOTHER SAVING THE LITTLE PEOPLE?

A world of infinite possibilities awaits you.
A world of infinite possibilities awaits you.
A world of infinite possibilities will one day await you.
A world of infinite possibilities might one day await you.
A world of limited possibilities might one day await you.
A world of limited possibilities await you.
You're hosed.
IT'S GETTING HARDER AND HARDER TO WRITE A COLLEGE GRADUATION CARD.

DO YOU EVER WORRY THAT YOUR EGO'S A LITTLE INFLATED AND THAT YOU'LL DIE WITHOUT LEARNING HUMILITY?
NO. BECAUSE IT'S NOT TRUE.
IT'S NOT TRUE THAT YOU HAVE A BIG EGO?
THAT I DIE. I THINK MY IMMORTALITY PRECLUDES IT.
YOU MIGHT HAVE A BIG EGO.
IS THE MORTAL STILL TALKING?

HEY, GOAT... I'VE GOT A QUESTION, BUT IT'S KIND OF COMPLEX. SO CAN YOU WAIT 'TIL I'M DONE BEFORE YOU ANSWER?
SURE.
ALRIGHT, SO IF A GUY IS FROM AMERICA, YOU SAY HE'S AMERICAN. AND IF A GUY IS FROM RUSSIA, YOU SAY HE'S RUSSIAN. BUT IF THE GUY IS FROM FINLAND, YOU SAY HE'S WHAT?
FINNISH.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID?
I DID.
DID WHAT?
YOU'RE NOT VERY HELPFUL.

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THIS STUPID TYPE-FONT?
I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE THE DIALOGUE EASIER TO READ.
YEAH, WELL I LIKE STRIPS DONE ENTIRELY BY HAND, NOT BY SOME COMPUTER.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE A LINE PRODUCED BY THE HUMAN HAND. IT'S LIKE ALL THOSE CARTOONS THAT USE A COMPUTER TO CUT-AND-PASTE ART. I HATE IT! AND SO DO FANS. ASK ANYBODY.
DO YOU GUYS HATE IT?
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
NOPE
DELETE THOSE NO.

HEY THERE, GOAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BIG GUIDO... YOU SHOULD KNOW, IF NEED BE, HE CAN HAVE YOU TAKEN CARE OF.
AAAAHHHHHHHHHH
HE'S A NURSE.
SOME CULTURAL STEREOTYPES ARE SO DARN PERVASIVE.

ONE IS FILLED WITH SUGAR, ONE IS FILLED WITH ARROWS. ONE IS FILLED WITH SUGAR, ONE IS FILLED WITH ARROWS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO MEMORIZE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CUSTARD AND CUSTER.
NOW YOU'VE THROWN ME OFF.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT IF YOU WERE TO GO INTO THE MEN'S ROOM OF THE SMALLEST BAR IN THE TINIEST TOWN IN AMERICA AND WRITE SOMETHING JUST ABOVE THE URINAL, YOU'D PROBABLY GET AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE TO READ IT
YEAH, SO
SO THAT'S THREE MORE PEOPLE THAN READ GOAT'S BLOG
PLEASE GO AWAY
HERE... FIND A RESTROOM
OH, GOAT, YOUR FIRST BIG BREAK

HEY, ZEBRA... WHATCHA WATCHING?
FUNERAL... FOR ONE OF THE CROCS.
I DIDN'T THINK THEY HELD FUNERALS.
I DIDN'T EITHER... AT LEAST I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE.
ME NEITHER.
YEAH, AND IT'S WEIRD, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT IT THAT'S REASSURING.
HOW SO?
I DUNNO. I GUESS IT MAKES ME REALIZE THAT THEY, TOO, SUFFER LOSS... THAT THEY, TOO, NEED THE COMFORT OF CEREMONY AND THE COMPANY OF LOVED ONES TO GET THEM THROUGH... I MEAN, LOOK, THEY'VE EVEN BEEN EULOGIZING HIM.
Fred died. No one cares. Me take his beer.
NEVER MIND.
Hey... Why you get his beer, Larry?
Because me beegerr den you be.
Okay... Me keel Larry.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE HUMAN HAND CONTAINS MORE GERMS THAN THE HUMAN MOUTH?
SO?
SO WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE GREET EACH OTHER?
WE GRAB HANDS! FROM A HYGIENE PERSPECTIVE, WE MIGHT AS WELL KISS PEOPLE WE MEET ON THE MOUTH!
HOW DO YOU DO?

WHERE'S YOUR SEA ANEMONE ENEMY AND THE OPRAH OPERA AT THE O'PY OSPREY?
THEY WENT HOME.
GOOD, YOU MEAN WE'RE DONE WITH ALL THAT STUPID WORDPLAY?
YEAH, THE OSPREY HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HER SICK SON OWIE. I GUESS HER SISTER WAS FEEING IN HIS NUMBING SHOTS. AND HER TWO GIRLS, MOLLY AND ANNA, ARE TOO YOUNG TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. IT'S WEIRD 'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY TIME EVER MY ENEMIES HAVE LEFT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO ATTACK.
THAT'S QUITE AN ANOMALY!
WHAT'S AN ANOMALY?
THE ANNA, MOLLY AND NUMB OWIE ANOMALY.

PIG GETS A VISIT FROM HIS HEAT-
PACKING SEA ANEMONE ENEMY
PLEASE DON'T AIM AT ME, ANNIE MAY, MY SEA ANEMONE ENEMY, AND BRING ABOUT THE END OF ME .
IT IS NOT I, YOUR SEA ANEMONE ENEMY, YOU SHOULD FEAR, PIG. IT IS A SEA- BIRD WHOSE ONLY GOAL HAS TO BRING A DAYTIME TALK SHOW TO WATCH HER PERFORM 'LA BOHEME' AT A GRAND OLE COUNTRY MUSIC VENUE.
THE OPRAH
OPERA
AT THE
OPRY
OSPREY?
GREETINGS.
GIVE ME
THE GUN.
I'LL SHOOT
HIM
MYSELF.