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THE CARTOONISTS' WAR
RAT! RAT! STEPHAN'S BEEN FREED! THE EAST COASTERS HAVE GIVEN UP!
REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?
STEPHAN USED HIS SKIIS TO MAKE THEM SURRENDER.
SKIIS? WHAT SKIIS?
AND THEN THE GUY SAYS, 'DUNK RYE FOR ME, ARCH AND TINA! IT'S A PUN! GET IT?'
STOP! STOP! WE GIVE UP!
AUGHHHHHH!

Okay, Shortfawn, your pals don't want to pay your RANSOMmee. So this is here's Beetle Bailey. He's gonna SHOOT you.
Shoot me? Does he know HOW?
What do you mean, "DOES he know HOW?" HE'S a soldier.
But this country's been in five wars and countless military excursions since his creation in 1950, and I don't think he's been in one of them.
That is a little odd.
WE PREFER LIGHTHEARTED FAMILY FARE.
By the way, are you and Sarge 'Friends with BENEFITS?'

OKAY, MISTHER SHMART GUY, WE HAVE WAYS
OF MAKING HOOSHAGES SHPEAK.
NO! NO! STOP! I'LL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING!
BUT WE HAVEN'T
SHTARTED THE
TORTURE.
I THOUGHT
THOSE CUTEY
"S"S WERE
THE TORTURE.
IT'S
A SHPEECH
IMPEDIMENT
SORRY.
MAY I
ELECTROFY
HIS NIPPLES
NOW?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A HAMMER?
Ees genetic adaptation.
Ees better equip us keel zeeba.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Bob here esspert. We hire heem essplain white theengs.
He reely smart. Geeve us superior knowledge.
YEAH, WELL, BOB'S INCORRECT! A GENETIC ADAPTATION TAKES PLACE OVER MILLIONS OF YEARS. PLUS, IT'S A MODIFICATION OF THE ANIMAL'S D.N.A., AND IT FUNDAMENTALLY CHANGES ITS INNATE ABILITY TO SURVIVE.
Me fundamentally change Bob.

RAT! RAT! THAT CUTE LIL' DOG AND CAT FROM "MUTTS" BROKE IN AND KIDNAPPED STEPHAN AT KNIFEPOINT! THEY WANT $10,000 TO GIVE HIM BACK!
NEVER
YOU DON'T WANT TO PAY?
I DON'T WANT STEPHAN BACK.
POOR STEPHAN.
NOW IF THEY WANT CASH TO KEEP HIM, I'LL TALK.

STEPH, WHAT THE GRIMX IS THIS EAST COAST/ WEST COAST CARTOONISTS' FEUD?
SYNDICATION'S A ROUGH BUSINESS, GAT, SO EVERY FEW YEARS, CARTOONISTS FROM THE EAST COAST FIGHT ALONGSIDE THEIR CHARACTERS AGAINST ALL OF US WEST COAST GUYS AND ALL OF OUR CHARACTERS.
BUT WE DON'T HAVE GUARDDUCK RIGHT NOW... WHAT WEST COAST CHARACTERS DO WE HAVE THAT CAN MAKE UP FOR THAT?
SHOOT ME NOW.

LISTEN, PIG. THIS EAST COAST/WEST COAST CARTOONISTS' WAR IS GONNA GET UGLY. BUT DON'T WORRY, 'CAUSE WE HAVE THE ULTIMATE BAD@*% ON OUR SIDE, AND THAT'S GUARD DUCK.
GEE, STEPH. I DUNNO. THE POOR GUY'S BEEN SO HIGH-STRUNG LATELY THAT I SENT HIM ON A RETREAT.
RETREAT? TO WHERE?
OHMMMMMMMMMM
TIBETAN PEACE, LOVE AND MEDITATION CENTER

HEY, STEPH, CAN I ASK WHY WE'RE PUTTING MATTRESSES IN FRONT OF THE WINDOW?
IT'S A RE-KINDLING OF THE EAST COAST/WEST COAST CARTOONISTS WAR. IT FLARES UP EVERY FEW YEARS.
BUT YOU GUYS SHOULD BE DRAWING FUNNY DOODLES AND
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
SORRY... I HAD TO CAP ANDY CAPP.
LOOK... HE'S SO DRUNK HE DIDN'T FEEL IT.

YO, TOON BOY, WHATCHA WRITING?
JUST A "PEARLS" STRIP THAT I--
BLAM BLAM BLAM
WHAT THE
#@****$
WAS THAT?
IT'S "BEETLE BAILEY" CREATOR MORT WALKER TRYING TO TAKE US OUT!! IT'S A RE-KINDLING OF THE EAST COAST/WEST COAST CARTOONISTS' WAR! EVERYONE GRAB AN UZI!!
CARTOONISTS ARE AN ODD BUNCH.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE PAINTER?
MAYBE VAN GOGH. WHY?
BECAUSE MINE IS RUBENS. BUT I'M NOT SURE OF HIS FIRST NAME.
I THINK IT'S PETER PAUL RUBENS.
REALLY? 'CAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS "MY-CARTOONING'S-SO-CRAPPY-I-WON'T-BE-WINNING-A-LOT-OF" RUBENS.
YOU SEEM TO DISAGREE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING A LETTER TO THE PAPER ASKING THAT THEY REMOVE THE COMIC STRIP "BLONDIE".
'BLONDIE'S' WHAT'S WRONG WITH 'BLONDIE'?
LOOK AT HER.
WHAT?.... IT'S 'BLONDIE'...
LOOK AT HER RIGHT HAND.
I DON'T
SHE'S FLASHING GANG SIGNS!!
THEY SHOULD REMOVE YOU FROM THE PAPER.
YO, BLONDIE! KIDS READ THIS SECTION!!

HOW YOU GONNA FINISH THE NEXT SERIES? IT'S DECEMBER WHEN YOU'RE WRITING THIS AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE GINGRICH'S CAMPAIGN WILL BE WHEN THE SERIES RUNS.
NO IDEA?? NEWT DROPPED OUT?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
NO IDEA?! NEWT BECOMES NOMINEE!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
NO IDEA? JON HUNTSMAN WON EVERYTHING!
YOU SLIMY CHEAT.
OKAY, LET'S NOT GET SILLY.

Dear Mitts Romnee, Newt guy you running against no is human. He evil amfibian.
How you prove?
At next debate, hold guy underwater, see if can breathe.
P.S. For dis tip, me expekt be made Vice-Pressydent.

NEWT GINGRICH PRESS CONFERENCE
...AND THAT'S WHAT I THINK OF INDIVIDUAL MANDATES. I HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE QUESTION, FOLKS...
WHERE YOU LAY YOUR EGGS, AMPHIBIAN??
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
SHOW US YOUR GILLS!
SHOW US YOUR WEBBED FEET!

WHY ARE YOU STILL CAMPAIGNING AGAINST NEWT GINGRICH, DAD?
Becuss amphbians beegest liars ever. One day dey has gills. Nex dey dey has lungs. Dey evin deel wif magicians.
DAD... STOP... THIS NEWT'S A HUMAN... I BROUGHT A PHOTO OF HIM... SEE... WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Dat amphbians learn grow human heed.
No.
Guy probblee laying eggs een swamp right now.

GET OUT OF MY WAY, FAMILY -- ME CAMPAIGNING AGAINST SEGREGATION.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU CARE ABOUT POLITICS?
SINCE AMPHIBIAN TRY BE PRESIDENT. AMPHIBIANS WANTS IN TING IN WORLD.
LARRY, THAT NEWT IS A HUMAN.
HAHAHAHAAAAA
HA HA HA HA HA
AND DAT WHY ME NO LET WOMEN VOTE, SON.
WOMEN CAN VOTE, DAD.
LEMME SHOW YOU WHAT ELSE WOMEN CAN DO, LARRY.

WHAT'S WITH THE SIGN?
Me is support Newt Greenrich for PreesydenT.
WHAT FOR?
Newt is fellow reptile. WE DOMINATE WORLD!
NEWTS ARE AMPHIBIANS.
Politics so disillusioning.

PIGITA?
YES?
I HAVE SOMETHING TO CONFESS.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S ABOUT US.
US??
I CHEATED ON YOU.
...BY LANDING ON 'MARVIN GARDENS' AND NOT PAYING YOU RENT.
OH.
YOU'RE A VERY INTENSE 'MONOPOLY' PLAYER.

HEY, STEPH, I'M GETTING TAKE-OUT FROM THE DELI... WANT ANYTHING?
SURE. GET ME WHATEVER.
HI, I'D LIKE TO ORDER ONE BLT AND A REUBEN SANDWICH FOR MY FRIEND...
OH... YOU'RE OUT OF REUBENS?
SO MY FRIEND CAN'T GET ONE? NO REUBEN AT ALL? NEVER? NEVER EVER? WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? NOT EVEN IF HELL FREEZES OVER?
NOT EVEN IF WINGED PONIES FLY FROM MY REAR END WILL MY GOOD FRIEND STEPHAN PASTIS EVER EVER EVER GET A SINGLE REUBEN??
THEY'RE OUT.

HEY, ZEBRA. HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND, TINA TURTLE? HER HUSBAND TIMMY DIED TEN YEARS AGO, SO ALL SHE DOES NOW IS COME HERE FOR BEER AND CARRY HIS SHELL ON HER BACK.
GEE, TINA, I'M SO SORRY... I GUESS HIS SHELL IS YOUR WAY OF HOLDING ON.
TO MY BEER. IT'S VERY HANDY.
FORGET IT.
MORE ICE, TINA TURTLE?

HEY, GOAT... I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PALS, TIMMY AND TINA TURTLE. TIMMY DIED TEN YEARS AGO, BUT TINA STILL CARRIES HER DEAD HUSBAND'S SHELL ON HER BACK.
AAWW. HOW SAD.
BEST TEN YEARS OF MARRIAGE WE'VE EVER HAD.
NEVER MIND.
SO, TIMMY... WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR DINNER? OH, YEAH... YOU DON'T HAVE A SAY.

HEY, JEFF THE CYCLIST. WHAT ARE YOU HAVING FOR BREAKFAST TODAY?
FIFTY GRAMS OF OATMEAL, ONE CUP OF BERRIES, AND A QUARTER CUP OF ALMONDS. IT'S ALL PART OF MY FITNESS REGIMEN.
THAT'S GREAT. HAVING A FITNESS REGIMEN IS IMPORTANT.
ESSENTIAL. AND WHAT IS YOURS?
I'VE STOPPED FRYING MY TWINKIES.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY HOW SORRY I AM THAT RICHARD THOMPSON BEAT YOU FOR THE REUBEN AWARD LAST YEAR. THAT "BEST CARTOONIST" TROPHY SHOULD REALLY BE YOURS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA... THAT'S NOT TRUE. RICHARD DESERVED THAT TROPHY. HIS "CUL DE SAC" STRIP IS AWESOME. PLUS, RICHARD IS A KINDHEARTED, SWEET, HUMBLE GUY.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR KNOCKING HIM UNCONSCIOUS.
TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T HAVE STOLEN THIS.

LISTEN, STEPH, I KNOW THAT EVERY YEAR YOU'RE UP FOR CARTOONING'S HIGHEST AWARD, THE REUBEN, AND THAT EVERY YEAR YOU LOSE. SO NOW I FEEL BAD FOR BUILDING YOU THIS EMPTY TROPHY SHELF.
IS THAT SO?
YEAH, SO I BOUGHT YOU SOME DECORATIVE WOODEN LETTERS TO FILL THE SPACE. THEY'RE FUN TO REARRANGE IF YOU'RE EVER BORED.
WOW, I GUESS THAT'S PRETTY NICE OF YOU. THANKS.
OH, LOOK. I'VE REARRANGED THEM.
TAKE THEM DOWN.
THAT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A TROPHY.

HEY, STEPSTER. QUICK QUESTION.
WHAT IS IT? I'M TRYING TO DRAW..
JUST CURIOUS.. WHAT'S THE HIGHEST HONOR IN ALL OF CARTOONING?
THE REUBEN AWARD. WHY?
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'VE EVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR THAT?
WHERE IS THIS GOING?
NOWHERE. HEY, JUST WONDERING. YOU HAVEN'T BY CHANCE BEEN NOMINATED THREE YEARS IN A ROW?
PLEASE LEAVE. RIGHT NOW.
AND LOST MISERABLY EVERY SINGLE YEAR??
I BUILT YOU A TROPHY SHELF. MIND IF I USE IT TO STORE GARLIC AND BANANAS?
THE PANTRY IS SOOOO FULL.