Pearls Before Swine | Search
Hulllooo, zeeba neighba… Whuh you dooeng?
LISTEN, I DON’T MEAN TO BE OFFENSIVE, BUT WHERE DID YOU GUYS LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH?
Same place million guys learn … ‘Sesame Street.’
THAT’S RIDICULOUS. I WATCHED ‘SESAME STREET’ AND I SPEAK FINE. WHAT PART WERE YOU WATCHING?
ME WANT COOKIE!
ME WANT COOKIE TOO!
HEY, PIG... I NEED TO MOVE SOME FURNITURE. DO YOU THINK YOU COULD CALL THAT FRIEND OF YOURS WHO OWNS THE PICKUP TRUCK?
OH, BOB...? SURE.
HI. YOU'VE REACHED BOB. THE GUY YOU ONLY CALL WHEN YOU NEED TO USE HIS TRUCK. AND NEVER WHEN YOU JUST WANT TO INVITE SOMEONE OVER FOR DINNER. IF YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT LEAVING A MESSAGE, DON'T, BECAUSE I HAVE ONE FOR YOU ...
MOVE YOUR OWN FURNITURE.
I THINK HE'S ON TO US.
WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
MY NEW TENNIS SHOES.
THIS ONE'S GOT BALOO'S ALL OVER IT.
WHAT'S A BALOO?
THAT BIG BEAR FROM "THE JUNGLE BOOK"
WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE?
A PICTURE OF DWYANE WADE. HE'S MY FAVORITE BASKETBALL PLAYER. AND NOT ONLY DO THE SHOES LOOK GOOD, THEY'RE PRACTICALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE.
SO I CAN BANG THE BOTTOM OF THEM ON THE COUNTER?
YEP.
AND POKE THEM IN THE SIDE WITH A FORK?
OH, YEAH... IN FACT, THE ONLY PART OF THEM THAT IS WEAK IS THE TOP WHERE THE LACES ARE.
SO WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I CAN BUY EVERY LACING BUT STEP ON TOP OF THEM?
RIGHT. YOU GOT AN ANALOGY.
BUT STAY OFF OF MY BALOOS WADE SHOES.
ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
OUR RENT IS DUE.
WE HAVE NO CASH.
I LOST IT AT THE TRACK.
WE'RE BEING EVICTED.
BAD NEWS IS BEST DELIVERED ON A POGO STICK.
HEY, LOOK, PIG... IT'S THAT GUY YOU SEE ON THOSE T.V. COMMERCIALS... THE ONE YOU POKE IN THE BELLY AND HE GIGGLES.
HEY, YOU'RE RIGHT... I'LL TRY IT.
GUESS HE'S DIFFERENT IN PERSON.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
EDITING THE DICTIONARY. I'M CROSSING OUT WORDS WE DON'T NEED ANYMORE AND REPLACING THEM WITH ONES WE DO. THE FIRST TO GET THE AXE WAS "FORTNIGHT."
WHAT'S WRONG WITH "FORTNIGHT"?
UNNECESSARY. NORMAL PEOPLE SAY "TWO WEEKS." IT'S ONLY PURPOSE IS TO MAKE POMPOUS PEOPLE FEEL POMPOUSER.
SINCE WHEN IS "POMPOUSER" A WORD?
SINCE IT REPLACED "FORTNIGHT."
YOU ARE NOT REPLACING "FORTNIGHT."
WHOA. YOU'RE SOUNDING POMPOUSER AND POMPOUSER.
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?
Bob die lass night. We ees try deeg hole for grave, but we ees get tired.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU COLD-BLOODED REPTILES? YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE HIM LIKE THAT WITH HIS HEAD STICKING OUT.
Okays! Okays! Calm you faces. We ees feex.
Want geet beer now, Floyd?
Me like dat, Burt.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'VE STARTED A NEW LINE OF GREETING CARDS CALLED "TRUE FEELINGS"- THIS ONE'S FOR PEOPLE WHO'VE JUST HAD A BABY.
HEY, LET'S HEAR IT. MY BROTHER JUST HAD A KID. MAYBE YOU CAN SAVE ME A TRIP TO THE STORE.
"I HEAR THERE'S A BABY THAT YOU'RE INTRODUCING. ALL I CAN SAY, DUDE, IS STOP REPRODUCING."
I REALLY DON'T MIND GOING TO THE STORE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'VE STARTED A NEW LINE OF GREETING CARDS CALLED "TRUE FEELINGS"... THIS ONE'S A BIRTHDAY CARD FOR OLDER PEOPLE.
SWEET! IT'S MY UNCLE'S BIRTHDAY AND I CAN GIVE IT TO HIM... LET ME HEAR IT!
"KUDOS TO YOU ON THE LONG LIFE YOU'VE LED. IT'S QUITE A SURPRISE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD."
MAYBE I'LL JUST BUY HIM SOCKS.
HEY, RAT, I JUST SENT YOU A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST ON MY iPHONE, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU REJECTED IT.
YEAH. TOO INTIMATE.
SEND ME AN "ACQUAINTANCE REQUEST".
BLIP
YOU REJECTED IT.
YEAH. TOO INTIMATE.
SEND ME AN "ASSOCIATE REQUEST".
BLIP P
YOU REJECTED IT.
YEAH. TOO INTIMATE.
SEND ME A "FAT GUY I KNOW REQUEST".
BLIP
YOU ACCEPTED IT.
I'M A FAT GUY YOU KNOW!
I'M A FAT GUY YOU KNOW!
YOU'VE FAR EXCEEDED THE BOUNDARIES OF A "FAT GUY I KNOW RELATIONSHIP".
TO THE MOST MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD.
YOU AND I SHOULD BRAINSTORM ABOUT HOW WE CAN MAKE MORE MONEY.
I'D LIKE TO, BUT I CAN'T BRAINSTORM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T BRAINSTORM?
I CAN ONLY BRAINCHANCEOFSCATTEREDSHOWERS.
NEVER MIND.
AND THE TEN-DAY FORECAST IS NOT GOOD.
OKAY, GUYS, I'VE DECIDED TO IMPROVE THE STRIP BY TEST-MARKETING IT... SO FROM NOW ON, WE'RE GONNA MONITOR THE REACTION OF RANDOM NEWSPAPER READERS. TODAY, THEY'RE MERV AND ETHEL MAUDOLFINSKY OF DES MOINES, IOWA. LET'S SEE HOW MUCH THEY'RE ENJOYING TODAY'S STRIP
HUGE FANS.
BRING BACK "MARK TRAIL".
OH, LET'S CUT THE CAMERA.
OH, I ADORE "MARK TRAIL".
WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? IS IT TO LOVE? GAIN WISDOM? CREATE BEAUTY? NO, I SAY. NONE OF THOSE ARE THE TRUE PURPOSE FOR WHICH WE HAVE BEEN PUT ON THIS EARTH.
WHAT IS?
LAWN CARE.
YOUR PURPOSE IS TO ANNOY ME.
SAID THE MAN WITH THE BROWN SPOTS ON HIS LAWN.
FOR SHAME, GOAT... FOR SHAME.
HEY, GOAT,
WHO WERE YOU
TALKING TO ON
YOUR CELL PHONE?
MY MOM...THE POOR
WOMAN'S SITTING
AROUND IN HER HOUSE
EXPERIENCING HOT
FLASHES.
ARE THERE BOMBS GOING OFF
IN HER LIVING ROOM?
NO,
PIG.
GUARD DUCK,
GOAT'S MOM
NEEDS
PROTECTION!
I'LL BLOW
'EM TO
BITS,
SIR!
Okay, zeeba neighba,
crocs sick of no
catching you. So we
ees spend money,
get some wheels.
OH, YEAH?
SO YOU
GUYS
FINALLY
GOT A CAR?
No. Juss some wheels.
He
walking
away,
Bob.
Quick,
throw
you
wheel.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DRAWING DESK?
PUTTING TOGETHER A COVER FOR THE NEXT 'PEARLS' BOOK. I THINK IT MIGHT HELP YOU INCREASE SALES.
THE BOOK CONTAINS 'PEARLS' STRIPS.
HEY, IT'S JUST A COVER. LET THE BUYER BEWARE.
WHAT THE @#$* WAS THAT?!
A BRICK. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO KILL US.
LOOK, THERE'S A NOTE... READ IT.
'PLEASE RETURN YOUR OVERDUE BOOKS.'
WE HAVE SERIOUS LIBRARIANS.
ONE NEVER GETS OVER BEING CAUGHT PLAYING AIR GUITAR.
THANK ME NOW, CARTOON BOY. I JUST SOLD THE MOVIE RIGHTS TO YOUR COMIC STRIP FOR FIVE FIGURES.
FIVE FIGURES? REALLY?
WELL, TWO OF THEM ARE AFTER THE DECIMAL POINT.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
OH, AND I HAD TO THROW IN YOUR FURNITURE.
YOU MIND GETTING UP, PAL?
STEPHAN SAYS WE'RE GETTING A NEW CHARACTER.
WHO?
APPARENTLY, HE'S SOME GUY WHO HORNS IN ON OTHER PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS.
DUDE, THAT IS THE MOST ANNOYING HABIT EVER.
WHAT IS?
NOT... BEEEATHING...
OH, YEAH. WHEN YOU CAN'T BREATHE? I HATE THAT.
OPERATOR, GET ME WIDER PANELS.
DID YOU SEE THIS STORY ABOUT "THE FAMILY CIRCUS"? SOMEONE BOUGHT THE MOVIE RIGHTS FOR SEVEN FIGURES.
WHAT'S THE MOVIE GONNA BE ABOUT?
THEY DON'T KNOW YET. THEY'RE ASKING POTENTIAL WRITERS TO SUBMIT THE OPENING FEW PAGES OF A SCRIPT TO SEE WHO BEST CAPTURES THE STRIP'S FAMILY-FRIENDLY SPIRIT.
FADE IN:
JEFFY, FAT AND TATTOED, SITS ON DEATH ROW RECEIVING LAST RITES.
JEFFY
Skip it, Reverend. The Jeffy don't fear death.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE.
YEAH, MAY YOU HAVE MANY MORE!
BLOW OUT THE CANDLES AND MAKE A WISH FOR SOMETHING GREAT!
HOPE THE BIRTHDAY CANDLES DON'T BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.
NEGATIVE NED MAKES A BAD BIRTHDAY GUEST.
HERE'S MY GIFT. IT'S KINDA CRAPPY.
HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, NED THE NEGATIVE GUY.
OH, YOU MEAN NEGATIVE AS IN PHOTO NEGATIVES.
PHOTOS? I'M JUST TAKING THIS TO THE SHOP 'CAUSE IT'S BROKEN. LIKE EVERYTHING. EVERYWHERE. BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD IS BAD AND TRAFFIC IS TERRIBLE AND THE WEATHER IS CRAPPY AND MY FOOT HURTS.
NEVER MIND.
BACON AND EGGS? HELLOOOOO, HEART ATTACK.
HEY, RAT. WHY YOU DRESSED UP?
LIKE THE GREEK PHILOSOPHER, DIOGENES, WHO WANDERED ANCIENT ATHENS HOLDING A LANTERN LOOKING FOR AN HONEST MAN, I, DIOGENRAT, SEARCH THROUGH MODERN LIFE FOR JUST ONE COMPANY THAT GIVES GOOD SERVICE.
I'VE FOUND THAT WHEN I CALL FOR SERVICE, THEY PUT ME ON HOLD FOR AN HOUR, AND THEN WHEN I FINALLY GET THROUGH, I GET A COMPUTERIZED VOICE THAT SAYS, "SORRY, I DIDN'T CATCH THAT."
I'VE FOUND THAT WHEN THEY DO CONNECT ME TO A PERSON, IT'S AN OVERSEAS CALL CENTER AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PERSON IS SAYING.
SO I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU, MY PHONE COMPANY AND YOU, MY COMPUTER MANUFACTURER...
MEBBE INSTEAD OF PAYING YOUR CEO $100 MILLION, YOU COULD PAY HIM $90 MILLION AND USE THE REST TO PERSONALLY STAFF A SERVICE CENTER WITH, OH, I DON'T KNOW, TERRIBLE ORDINARY FOLKS WHO PICK UP THE PHONE BEFORE DIOGENRAT TAKES HIS LANTERN AND SHOVES IT UP...
I DON'T THINK DIOGENES NEVER CARRIED HIS OWN CABLE COMPANY.
NO CABLE? I WONDER HOW A MONKEY GREW UP IN GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM DIOGENES... I WALK THE WORLD WITH MY LANTERN LOOKING FOR JUST ONE COMPANY THAT GIVES GOOD SERVICE.
WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?
THAT I'D HAVE BETTER LUCK FINDING ELVIS.
I THINK HE'S DEAD.
THANKS, MORON. I KNOW.
CHECK, PLEASE.