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I am a moron who deserves this
I am a moron who deserves this
FOR THE LAST TIME, "PEARLS" IS NOT GETTING ITS OWN POSTAGE STAMP.
HEY! BEETLE BAILEY GOT ONE!!
MAY I MAKE A DESIGN COMMENT?

WELCOME, EVERYONE, TO OUR ANNUAL "ONE HOUR LUNCHEON TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU'RE SORRY FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU'VE DONE WRONG OVER THE LAST YEAR," WHICH RAT HERE ASKED ME TO SCHEDULE TODAY AT THIS ODD HOUR OF TEN IN THE MORNING.
WHY NOW?
BECAUSE THIS IS THE MOMENT WE SET THE CLOCKS FORWARD. OH, WELL... MEETING ADJOURNED.
YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE HIS PLANNING.

HEY, PIG...HOW'S YOUR EX, PIGITA? I HEARD SHE WAS DATING DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE.
NOT ANYMORE. NOW SHE'S LOOKING FOR A GUY WHO'LL DROP EVERYTHING FOR HER AND JUST TAKE HER IN HIS ARMS.
THIS IS NOT GOING WELL.

I DON'T GET IT, DONNY... WHY DID MY EX GAL CALL YOU A DUNG BEETLE?
I HAVE NO IDEA, MY DEAR. I'M A SCARAB, NOT A LOWLY DUNG BEETLE WHO LIVES IN A GROSS, DISGUSTING BALL OF ---
HERE, DONNY ... I THINK YOU DROPPED YOUR HOUSE.
I'M PLANNING EXTENSIVE REMODELS.

THANK YOU FOR TAKING ME OUT TONIGHT, DONNY. NOW THAT I'M SINGLE, IT'S NICE TO DATE NEW GUYS. TELL ME AGAIN WHAT YOU ARE.
SURELY, MY DEAR. I AM A SCARAB BEETLE. WE WERE HELD SACRED BY THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS. WE WERE EVEN WORSHIPPED.
HEY, DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE!!
I KNOW NOT OF WHO HE SPEAKS.

HEY, PIG. HOW YOU DOING?
NOT GOOD. MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA BROKE UP WITH ME WITH A "FACEBOOK" MESSAGE. SHE TOLD ME I'M STUPID AND SHE HATES ME AND WE'RE THROUGH. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? SHE COULDN'T EVEN DO IT IN PERSON.
YOU'RE STUPID. I HATE YOU. WE'RE THROUGH.
I FEEL BETTER NOW.

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS, SIR... THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT WE GOT INSIDE THE TARGET ZEBRA'S HOUSE, BUT JUST BARELY MISSED NABBING HIM!
DAT DA GUD NEWS? WHUH DA BAD NEWS?
PRIVATE DANNY PULLED THE PIN ON HIS GRENADE. MEANING THAT AS SOON AS HE LETS GO OF IT, THERE WILL BE A VERY BIG KABOOM..
WE SHOULD PROBABLY CANCEL TONIGHT'S TICKLE FIGHT.

HEY, RAT, MIND PASSING THE SALT?
SURE
WHEN DID YOU LIKE GREASY FOOD?
SINCE I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED... IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DEPRESSED ABOUT?
I DUNNO... I JUST FEEL SO WORTHLESS. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO TRANSFORM MY LIFE, YOU KNOW, BE THE GUY WHO FUNDS AN ORPHANAGE, OR OPENS A FOOD BANK, OR CARES FOR THE SICK.
YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT IT, TOO, RAT... YOU KNOW, THINK ABOUT SOMETHING GREAT AND MEANINGFUL YOU CAN DO FOR OTHERS.
I'LL PASS THE SALT.
GREAT.
HEY, RAT, WOULD YOU MIND PASSING THE --
HEY! ONE @#$%&*# FAVOR A DAY, FATTY!!!

HEY, ZEBRA, I'M GOING TO THE KITCHEN... DO YOU WANT ANY--
THE GOPHER GRENADIER BRIGADE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT ZEBRA'S HOUSE?
WE ARE TRAINED ASSASSINS. WE ARE EFFICIENT. WE ARE DEADLY. AND WE ARE HERE TO BLOW UP YOUR FRIEND.
OHH. THAT WOULD NOT BE VERY NICE. YOU TWO SHOULD LEAVE RIGHT NOW.
FOR ASSASSINS, WE'RE PRETTY EASILY PERSUADED.

HEY, ZEBRA... DID YOU EVER GET RID OF THAT DOGGY DOOR YOU HAVE IN YOUR BACK DOOR?
I WAS GOING TO BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT THE CROCS TO USE IT, BUT IT TURNS OUT THEY'RE TOO FAT TO SQUEEZE THROUGH.
SO NOW WHAT?
SO NOW I JUST LEAVE IT... BELIEVE ME, WITH ALL THE PREDATORS AFTER ME, IT'S NICE TO HAVE AT LEAST ONE ENTRANCE TO THE HOUSE I DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.
NICE PAD.

BAD NEWS, SIR, THE GOPHER GRENADE BRIGADE IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. MY BEST GUESS IS THEY'VE CROSSED THE BORDER INTO PAKISTAN.
PAKISTAN? WE'RE NOT ON THE BORDER OF PAKISTAN.
THEN MY BEST GUESS IS THAT SOMEONE HERE IS GIVING THEM SAFE HAVEN.
WHO'S GOT ANY USE FOR A BUNCH OF GOPHERS WITH GRENADES?
Sweet dreams, assassseen frends.

L'IL GUARD DUCK! REPORTS OF YOUR GOPHER GRENADE BRIGADE ARE POPPING UP EVERYWHERE!
I REALIZE THAT, SIR. I'M TRYING TO ASSESS THEIR INDIVIDUAL THREAT LEVELS BY DETERMINING WHICH ONES HAVE ADVANCED GRENADE TRAINING AND WHICH ONES ARE ONLY AT THE INTERMEDIATE LEVEL.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
HEY! I GOT THE PIN OUT!
OOOH, IT'S SO SHINY.

HEY, UH, GUARD DUCK, ONE
OF OUR NEIGHBORS JUST
TOLD ME HE WAS THREATENED
BY ONE OF YOUR
GRENADE-LAUNCHING
GOPHERS.
THAT CAN'T
BE. SIR.
I HAVE TO
APPROVE ALL
HIGH-VALUE
TARGETS.
WELL,
IT
HAPPENED.
MERCY ME. THAT WOULD MEAN
THAT MEMBERS OF MY GOPHER
GRENADE BRIGADE HAVE GONE
ROGUE. GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT
MILITARY OPERATIONS A UNIT
LIKE THAT MIGHT COMMENCE.
TWO FREE HOT DOGS PLEASE.

HEY, LIL' GUARD DUCK, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THOSE GOPHERS YOU TRAINED TO CARRY GRENADES?
I POINTED THEM TOWARD THE TALIBAN, BUT SOMEHOW THEY NEVER GOT FARTHER THAN PITTSBURGH. SO NOW I JUST USE THEM AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD FOR LITTLE DOMESTIC THINGS.
LIKE WHAT?
MOW YOUR LAWN OR ELSE, BOB.

OKAY, EVERYONE... WHY DON'T YOU ALL LINE UP ON THE LEFT SIDE HERE?
BUT PLEASE... NO PUSHING.
PLEASE. PEOPLE. PLEASE. NO PUSHING.
OKAY, OKAY... WHY DON'T WE JUST DO IT THIS WAY...
EACH OF YOU DRAW A NUMBER FROM THIS HAT AND THEN I CALL YOUR NUMBER.
OKAY... UH... NUMBER ONE... WHO'S GOT NUMBER ONE?
PLEASE, PEOPLE, LISTEN FOR YOUR NUMBER
A GUY CAN HOPE, CAN'T HE?
NEED ME TO KNOCK A FEW HEADS, SIR?

HEY, DUDE, WHAT'S THAT?
BIRTHDAY GIFT. I HEARD IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, SO I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "I SHOULD GIVE HIM SOMETHING."
THERE'S NOTHING IN IT.
IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

HEY, RAT... THIS IS MY FRIEND, SCIENTIST BOB. HE DOES FIELD RESEARCH INTO THE SOUNDS MADE BY DIFFERENT SPECIES OF ANIMALS.
HOW'S HE DO THAT?
THE COW SAYS "MOOOOOOOO..."
I QUESTION HIS METHODOLOGY.

I HATE HOW EACH TIME YOU TURN ON YOUR COMPUTER, I GET THESE PROMPTS FOR SOFTWARE UPDATES
WHAT’S WRONG WITH THEM?
THEY’RE ANNOYING. THEY’RE INTRUSIVE. I MEAN, WHY CAN’T THESE SOFTWARE MORONS GET THEIR PRODUCT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME? IT REALLY BUGS ME.
really?
REALLY.
I DON’T THINK MY WARRANTY COVERS THIS.
IT’S AN ACT OF GOD. HE GAVE ME A SHORT TEMPER.

HEY, GOAT... CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK? WE'VE GOT THIS NEW COLA CALLED "PRINCESS D." IT'S A TRIBUTE TO PRINCESS DIANA.
HMM... I'M NOT TOO BIG ON COLAS... GOT ANYTHING ELSE?
JUST "MOUNTAIN DEW."
SO THOSE ARE MY ONLY TWO OPTIONS?
IT'S DEW OR DI.
YOU ENTERTAIN NO ONE.

I HEARD YOU GOT A JOB WRITING THE BULLETIN FOR A LOCAL CHURCH.
YEAH. BUT APPARENTLY YOU CAN'T DISCUSS THE PASTOR'S SERMONS.
WHY NOT?
WHO KNOWS? I DID AN ARTICLE ON LAST SUNDAY'S SERMON AND THE GUY WENT NUTS. HERE, LOOK WHAT I WROTE.
BORING BORING BORING
Pastor's Dull Sermons Make Hell Seem Like Appealing Alternative
HE MUST REALLY BE SENSITIVE.
YEAH. NOW I'M GLAD I GAVE HIM TWO BIG THUMBS-DOWN.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I GOT A JOB WRITING THE CHURCH BULLETIN FOR A LOCAL CHURCH. I'M SPPOSED TO FILL IT WITH LITTLE NEWS ITEMS ABOUT THE CHURCH AND ITS PARISHIONERS. HERE, HAVE A LOOK...
OLD MAN JOHNSON OUR CHEAPEST PARISHIONER
"EL CHEAPO" STIFFS COLLECTION PLATE AGAIN
THAT'S NOT WHAT PEOPLE PUT IN CHURCH BULLETINS.
I KNOW. MINE'S A HUGE IMPROVEMENT.

Hullooooo, zeeba neighba...Iseems...
Time for you eeep up.
Cross has monies for buy peeez...
WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?
No you business. How 'bout we just
desscuss you suurrender over eeet? Hyuck hyuck
NO
No tanks? But we eees have Clives Coffee.
Come from worlds best coffee beans.
WORLDS BEST WHAT?
Coffee beans. Take it from Meester Clive de Coffee...
ees Coffee-nominal !!
YOU FRRAUDS YOU CROKS ARE GET-
TING THAT CAH-
FEEE FROM BEING CHEAP
CORRPRIATE SHILLS
No we not! No we not! We jess...
MEESTAH BEAN
MEESTAH BEAN
It's COFFEE-NOMINAL!!
Now ha gud time, Larry.
Whoa, Me forgot eezy
rool-fee tumbah.

WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I WAS SO JUDGMENTAL OF OTHERS...NOW I REALIZE THAT ALL OF US- INCLUDING ME- ARE DEEPLY FLAWED.
THAT'S GREAT. SO NOW YOU FEEL MORE HUMBLE..?
PROUD. MY FLAWS HAVE MORE STYLE.
NEVER MIND.
WHY BE HUMBLE WHEN YOU CAN BE ME?

OHH, AUNT VIVIAN... I KNOW THIS WORLD TURNED YOU INTO A HAM, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY HERE.

WHERE CAN I GO?
FLY TO THE SPIRITUAL REALM, WHERE WE HAVE NO PHYSICAL FORM! THERE YOU CAN ONCE AGAIN BE WITH MY DEAR DEPARTED UNCLE GEORGE! OHH, IMAGINE HOW MUCH HE'S MISSED YOU!
NOT THAT MUCH.
OH, GREAT. YOU AGAIN!?

WHEN YOU DIE, WHAT DOES YOUR GHOST LOOK LIKE?
I GUESS IT'S AS YOU LOOKED IN YOUR LAST MOMENTS ON EARTH... ONLY YOU HAVE WINGS AND CAN FLY.
NUTS. THEN WE'RE DEFINITELY BEING HAUNTED BY MY AUNT VIVIAN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
I KNOW.