Pearls Before Swine | Search

THIS PROTEST IS STUPID.
STUPID?! THERE'S AN ENTIRE GENERATION OF YOUNG MEN OUT THERE WHO CAN'T GET JOBS. SO INSTEAD OF BUYING HOMES AND STARTING FAMILIES, THEY'RE STUCK LIVING WITH FRIENDS IN CRAPPY, ONE-ROOM APARTMENTS.
OCCUPY SESAME STREET
FINE. BUT WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH SESAME STREET?
THEY PROMOTE IT.
PROMOTE IT HOW??
Bert and I would like to go to sleep now.
PIPE DOWN, YOU BRAINWASHING MUPPET.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE PROTESTING "SESAME STREET."
YOU CAN'T HUH?... WELL, THINK ABOUT IT...
THE SHOW TEACHES YOUNG PEOPLE THAT THE 99% OF AMERICANS WHO ARE NOT RICH HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GET USED TO THEIR SUBSTANDARD LIVING CONDITIONS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
Hey kids, It's fun to live in garbage cans.
See?
HEY, C'MON, HE'S GROUCHY ABOUT IT.

WHY IS EVERYONE GOING TO THESE "OCCUPY WALL STREET" PROTESTS?
BECAUSE THEY VIEW IT AS THE CENTER OF CORPORATE GREED.
BUT WHAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER STREETS IN NEW YORK? WE SHOULD BE PROTESTING ON THOSE, TOO.
WHICH ONES DO YOU SUGGEST?
OCCUPY SESAME STREET
PLEASE LEAVE.
SHUT YOUR FACE, GROVER!

WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
VITO CORLEONE.
I'M GOING TO A MOB COSTUME PARTY.
A MOB COSTUME PARTY?
YEAH. AND THIS IS A STATUE OF JIMMY HOFFA. GUARD DUCK MADE IT FOR ME. I BRING ONE EVERY YEAR.
WHAT FOR?
AT THE END OF THE PARTY, THE MOBSTERS BLOW IT UP. THERE'S A LITTLE FUSE IN HIS HEAD. BUT I THINK WE NEED TO CHANGE THE DESIGN.
WHY?
BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TAKING SOMEONE ELSE'S FUSE AND THEY PULL ON THE FUSE TO MAKE IT SHORTER. THAT WAY IT BLOWS UP RIGHT WHEN THEY LIGHT IT.
BUT THAT'S NOT SAFE.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I'M CHANGING IT.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA MAKE THEM A HOFFA THEY CAN'T RE-FUSE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, PIG?
MY STUPID COMPUTER. IF I DON'T USE AN ANTI- VIRUS PROGRAM, I GET SOME RUSSIAN-MADE VIRUS ON MY COMPUTER THAT STEALS MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
BUT IF I DO USE AN ANTI-VIRUS PROGRAM, IT SLOWS MY COMPUTER DOWN TO A CRAWL AND INTERRUPTS EVERYTHING I DO WITH STUPID MESSAGES.
YEAH, BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO?
I E-MAILED MY CREDIT CARD NUMBER TO THE RUSSIANS.
IT'S A BIG TIME-SAVER.

HEY, RAT, I'M TRYING TO SET UP THAT POKER GAME YOU ASKED FOR, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO TO INVITE.
WHO CARES? WE JUST NEED PLAYERS. ASK ANYONE WITH ARMS THAT CAN HOLD CARDS.
THAT HURTS.
TRY TO BE MORE SENSITIVE AROUND MR. BUFFALO HEAD.

LOOK WHAT I BOUGHT, RAT...IT'S THE 'MOUNTED BUFFALO HEAD OF REGRET.'
WHAT'S THE REGRET?
NOT DUCKING.
IT'S REALLY LIMITED HIS OPTIONS.

THE CROCS ARE ASKING THE CITY TO TEAR DOWN YOUR WALL ON THE GROUND THAT IT POSES A DANGER TO CHILDREN.
HOW DO THEY FIGURE THAT?!
THEY SAY A HELPLESS CHILD COULD CLIMB ON TOP AND SUFFER A TRAGIC FALL. BUT THAT'S NEVER HAPPENED, AND THEY HAVE NO PROOF IT EVER WOULD.
Why me got wear funny costume, Bob.?
Shut mouf and walk closer to edge, Burt.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT IN 1985, THERE WERE ONLY 13 BILLIONAIRES IN THE U.S., AND TODAY THERE ARE MORE THAN 1,000? SO WHILE MOST OF US STRUGGLE, THERE'S THIS CLASS OF THE SUPER RICH WHO'VE THRIVED.
THAT'S NOT FAIR. WE NEED TO CHANGE THAT.
I AGREE.
BUT HOW?
BY JOINING THAT CLASS.
I THINK YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.
LET ME BE ONE OF YOU, RICH PEOPLE!

GUARD DUCK STARTED PLAYING BINGO WITH THE SENIORS AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER.
WHY BINGO?
DOCTOR SAID HE HAS HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. IT'S SUPPOSED TO HELP HIM RELAX.
THAT'S GREAT. HOW'S HE DOING WITH IT?
NO, I DO NOT WANT TO FORM A BINGO ALLIANCE.

Elly Elephant was thinking of Henry Hippo.
So she sat in her kitchen and tried to envision her dream man.
"I will take this empty basket and put in one avocado for each trait I want in a man."
So she put in one avocado for sensitivity, and one for handsome, and one for adventurous.
"And I want him to be dependable," she said, adding in another avocado. But when she did, out fell adventurous.
"Okay, he can't be needy," she said, squeezing in another. But out fell sensitive.
"The basket can't hold all the avocados," Elly cried in despair. "They are too many. I will learn to be happy with the one avocado I have."
Elephant was soon seen dipping Henry into guacamole.
This is an uplifting tale.
"Oh. THIS IS AN UPLIFTING TALE."
"So remember, people. Be happy with the crappy partner you have."
"I WILL STRIVE TO BE ALONE FOREVER!"

TOOOT
PEARLS
10th Anniversary
12/31/01 - 12/31/11
SOMEHOW I EXPECTED MORE.
CAN I GO HOME NOW?

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB...WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I DUNNO. JUST BEEN REAL DOWN LATELY. I NEED A REAL SHOT IN THE ARM.
BLAM
DID THAT HELP?

Look... It shiftly leetle rat. Mebbe he got idea how crocs can geet down eento zeeba yard.
DUDE. JUST GO DOWN A LADDER.
Any more idea?

HEY, GOAT... WANT TO PLAY BADMINTON WITH ME AND PIG? YOU JUST TAKE A RACKET AND HIT THIS LITTLE THINGIE.
YOUR LITTLE THINGIE THERE IS CALLED A 'SHUTTLECOCK.'
SOMEHOW I DIDN'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

Okay, guys, we is wait here for zeeba neighba. When he show up, Bob smash heem wid rock.
How long we got wait?
Long as it take.
Toss
THUD
Me got bored.

I'M HAVING A BAD DAY...A REAL BAD DAY.
DON'T BE DOWN, RAT. YOUR LIFE'S NOT THAT BAD. JUST ASK THE SPECTRAL TORTOISE O' PERSPECTIVE.
YOU COULD BE DEAD.
HE'S QUITE THE PICKER-UPPER.

Well now, there's a constellation you don't see every day.

HEY, PIG. WHAT's WRONG?
OH, ZEBRA... I'VE BEEN HEARING VOICES.
REALLY?
REALLY.
WELL, LOOK... IT'S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. MAYBE GET YOU HELP... A GOOD PSYCHOLOGIST.
HOW WILL THAT MAKE THE COUPLE NEXT DOOR STOP FIGHTING?
THOSE ARE YOUR VOICES?
HEY... WHAT CAN HE DO ABOUT THEIR BARKING DOG?

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
A BUCKET LIST OF ALL THE THINGS I’D LIKE TO DO BEFORE I DIE.
1) STAND ON IT.
2) PUT IT ON HEAD.
3) ROLL IT DOWN STREET.
YOU KNOW, THINGS ON YOUR BUCKET LIST DON’T HAVE TO INVOLVE BUCKETS.
WHOA. NOW THAT BROADENS THINGS.

YOU HOPE TO ACCOMPLISH A LOT IN LIFE, RIGHT?
SURE.
WHY?
BECAUSE I JUST FIGURED OUT THAT WITH YOU BEING 43 YEARS OLD AND THE AVERAGE LIFE EXPECTANCY FOR A MAN BEING 76 YEARS OLD, YOUR LIFE IS AT LEAST 56 PERCENT OVER.
SO?
SO IF YOUR LIFE IS A FOOTBALL GAME, YOU'RE WELL INTO THE THIRD QUARTER AND DOWN 20 POINTS.
ARE YOU DONE?
THROW A HAIL MARY, STEPH!!
LEMME GUESS. YOU'RE BANKING ON A MIRACULOUS FOURTH QUARTER COMEBACK.

WHAT ARE YOU DRINKING, STEPH?
A NEW GERMAN BEER. IT'S GREAT.
GERMAN? HA! I DRINK AN ALL-AMERICAN BEER WITH ITS RED, WHITE AND BLUE LABEL AND ITS ALL-AMERICAN ADS FILLED WITH AMERICAN FLAGS AND AMERICAN BARBECUES AND AMERICAN BASEBALL...
THAT BEER YOU'RE HOLDING IS NOW OWNED BY A EUROPEAN COMPANY.
I KNEW THAT.

WHERE WERE YOU GUYS?
SEEING THAT NEW 4D MOVIE.
4D? THE FOURTH DIMENSION IS TIME.
YEAH. THE MOVIE ENDS BEFORE IT STARTS.
NEVER MIND.
STRANGE THINGS HAPPEN IN THE FOURTH DIMENSION.
LOOK! MY POPCORN'S STILL WARM.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, GOAT?
IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE. IT'S A CLASSIC CHRISTMAS MOVIE.
IS THAT THE ONE WHERE THEY SAY, "EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS, A PIG GETS BEATEN."?
THAT'S NOT THE SAYING.
PLEASE DON'T RUIN THE FUN.
WHY IS THAT A CLASSIC?

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