Pearls Before Swine | Search

STEPHAN SAYS WE'RE GETTING A NEW CHARACTER.
WHO?
APPARENTLY, HE'S SOME GUY WHO HORNS IN ON OTHER PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS.
DUDE, THAT IS THE MOST ANNOYING HABIT EVER.
WHAT IS?
NOT... BEEEATHING...
OH, YEAH. WHEN YOU CAN'T BREATHE? I HATE THAT.
OPERATOR, GET ME WIDER PANELS.

DID YOU SEE THIS STORY ABOUT "THE FAMILY CIRCUS"? SOMEONE BOUGHT THE MOVIE RIGHTS FOR SEVEN FIGURES.
WHAT'S THE MOVIE GONNA BE ABOUT?
THEY DON'T KNOW YET. THEY'RE ASKING POTENTIAL WRITERS TO SUBMIT THE OPENING FEW PAGES OF A SCRIPT TO SEE WHO BEST CAPTURES THE STRIP'S FAMILY-FRIENDLY SPIRIT.
FADE IN:
JEFFY, FAT AND TATTOED, SITS ON DEATH ROW RECEIVING LAST RITES.
JEFFY
Skip it, Reverend. The Jeffy don't fear death.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE.
YEAH, MAY YOU HAVE MANY MORE!
BLOW OUT THE CANDLES AND MAKE A WISH FOR SOMETHING GREAT!
HOPE THE BIRTHDAY CANDLES DON'T BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.
NEGATIVE NED MAKES A BAD BIRTHDAY GUEST.
HERE'S MY GIFT. IT'S KINDA CRAPPY.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, NED THE NEGATIVE GUY.
OH, YOU MEAN NEGATIVE AS IN PHOTO NEGATIVES.
PHOTOS? I'M JUST TAKING THIS TO THE SHOP 'CAUSE IT'S BROKEN. LIKE EVERYTHING. EVERYWHERE. BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD IS BAD AND TRAFFIC IS TERRIBLE AND THE WEATHER IS CRAPPY AND MY FOOT HURTS.
NEVER MIND.
BACON AND EGGS? HELLOOOOO, HEART ATTACK.

HEY, RAT. WHY YOU DRESSED UP?
LIKE THE GREEK PHILOSOPHER, DIOGENES, WHO WANDERED ANCIENT ATHENS HOLDING A LANTERN LOOKING FOR AN HONEST MAN, I, DIOGENRAT, SEARCH THROUGH MODERN LIFE FOR JUST ONE COMPANY THAT GIVES GOOD SERVICE.
I'VE FOUND THAT WHEN I CALL FOR SERVICE, THEY PUT ME ON HOLD FOR AN HOUR, AND THEN WHEN I FINALLY GET THROUGH, I GET A COMPUTERIZED VOICE THAT SAYS, "SORRY, I DIDN'T CATCH THAT."
I'VE FOUND THAT WHEN THEY DO CONNECT ME TO A PERSON, IT'S AN OVERSEAS CALL CENTER AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PERSON IS SAYING.
SO I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU, MY PHONE COMPANY AND YOU, MY COMPUTER MANUFACTURER...
MEBBE INSTEAD OF PAYING YOUR CEO $100 MILLION, YOU COULD PAY HIM $90 MILLION AND USE THE REST TO PERSONALLY STAFF A SERVICE CENTER WITH, OH, I DON'T KNOW, TERRIBLE ORDINARY FOLKS WHO PICK UP THE PHONE BEFORE DIOGENRAT TAKES HIS LANTERN AND SHOVES IT UP...
I DON'T THINK DIOGENES NEVER CARRIED HIS OWN CABLE COMPANY.
NO CABLE? I WONDER HOW A MONKEY GREW UP IN GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM DIOGENES... I WALK THE WORLD WITH MY LANTERN LOOKING FOR JUST ONE COMPANY THAT GIVES GOOD SERVICE.
WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?
THAT I'D HAVE BETTER LUCK FINDING ELVIS.
I THINK HE'S DEAD.
THANKS, MORON. I KNOW.
CHECK, PLEASE.

HAD TO CALL THE STUPID CABLE COMPANY. I'LL TELL YOU, NO MATTER WHERE I LOOK THESE DAYS, I CAN'T FIND ONE COMPANY THAT GIVES GOOD SERVICE.
AH, YES. REMINDS ME OF THIS BOOK I'M READING ON THE ANCIENT GREEK PHILOSOPHER DIOGENES. HE CARRIED A LANTERN THROUGH ALL OF GREECE SEARCHING FOR JUST ONE HONEST MAN.
EEERT
EEERT
EEERT
YOU SET OFF MY BORING GUY-OMETER.
WHY DO I TRY?
PSSST. AVOID THE WORDS 'ANCIENT,' 'BOOK,' AND 'READING.'

HEYA, RHONDA ROBIN. WHAT'S GOING ON?
JUST FINISHED RAISING MY CHICK. ALL THAT'S LEFT IS TO GET HIM OUT OF THE NEST AND HAVE HIM START LIVING HIS OWN LIFE.
PUSH
THUD
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO HELP.

I am sad and lonely and a failure.
All I want is one person who will snuggle me for the night and tell me everything is gonna be okay.
I THINK IT WAS WRONG FOR YOU TO LEAK STEPANIS DIARY TO 'WIKILEAKS'.
HEY HEY HEY. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
HEY, GUYS, WHATCHA READING?

YO, GOAT... WANNA GET A BEER WITH ME ?
CAN'T. I'M SPENDING THE AFTERNOON WRITING DOWN WAYS I CAN IMPROVE MYSELF OVER THE COMING YEAR. IT'S A VERY CONSTRUCTIVE EXERCISE.
HEY, GOOD IDEA... I SHOULD DO THAT TOO.
None.
Perfection achieved.
MY.
THAT WAS CONSTRUCTIVE.
OOH... SNARKY ENVY... YOU SHOULD STRIVE TO AVOID THAT.

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA EATING?
A BIG BOWL OF GUMBO.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
OHHH...HOW COULD THEY KILL SOMEONE SO GREEN AND BENDABLE??

WHATCHA WATCHING?
FOOTBALL. RAVENS AGAINST THE STEELERS. I'VE GOT A HUNDRED BUCKS ON THE RAVENS.
WHAT THE @#$% ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST WANTED SOME POPCORN.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE POPCORN. YOU MOVED THE GYPSY BOWL.
SO?
SO WHEN MY TEAM BEGAN ITS COMEBACK, THE BOWL WAS RIGHT THERE. THE BOWL NEEDS TO REMAIN RIGHT THERE.
THERE?
THERE.
THERE?
YOU MOVED THE BEER!! YOU MOVED MY BEER!!
AAAGH!! WHERE'S IT GO? WHERE'S IT GO?
AAAAHH, WHERE'S IT GO? WHERE'S IT GO?
PITTSBURGH FUMBLES. RAVENS WIN.
HAPPY?
I WILL FLY TO PITTSBURGH AND APOLOGIZE TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!!!

OKAY, GUARD DUCK... FAMILY MEETING TIME... LAST YEAR, YOU ASKED ME IF YOU COULD BUY A HONDA ACCORD, AND I SAID NO BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LITTLE TOO IRRESPONSIBLE TO OWN ONE.
I KNOW, SIR. SO I DIDN'T BUY ONE.
YOU BOUGHT A BLACK HAWK HELICOPTER.
SO MUCH FOR COMPROMISE.

OKAY, FAT GUY...
WHERE'S THE CHANGE I'VE BEEN KEEPING IN THE COOKIE JAR?
GUARD DUCK TOOK IT. I KNOW HE WAS SAVING IT FOR SOMETHING AND I THINK HE WAS A LITTLE SHORT.
WE SHOULD HIDE THE COOKIE JAR.

THERE'S A BOY AT THE DOOR WHO WANTS TO SELL US COOKIES TO RAISE MONEY FOR A WORTHY CAUSE.
WHAT'S THE CAUSE?
SURGICAL REMOVAL OF UNWANTED HAIR. HE SAYS IT'S A PROBLEM FOR MILLIONS.
OH, PLEASE. SINCE WHEN IS THE REMOVAL OF AN UNWANTED MUSTACHE OR UNIBROW A WORTHY CAUSE?
WE'LL PASS.

WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN HAN SOLO FIGURINES?
I'M PART OF PIGITA'S ART PIECE. IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE CONNECTION BETWEEN POPULAR CULTURE AND OUR CONSUMPTION OF PORK.
THAT'S STUPID. WHY WOULD SHE MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
I DON'T KNOW... I GUESS SHE CAN'T KEEP HER HANDS OFF ME.
PREPARE FOR A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE.

RAT SPEED DATES
...AND I REALLY, REALLY ENJOY A GOOD CONVERSATION... HOW ABOUT YOU?
OH, YES... I ENJOY A GOOD CONVERSATION, BUT NOT THE PART WHERE THE OTHER PERSON TALKS.
I'M NOT GOOD AT SPEED DATING.

RAT'S SPEED DATING.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU GO AROUND A ROOM MEETING PEOPLE, BUT YOU ONLY HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER, SO YOU HAVE TO BE FAIRLY BRIEF.
WHAT'S RAT SAY?
ME GREAT.
YOU NOT SO MUCH.

LOOK AT THIS PRINTER. THE LOW PRICE LISTED IS ONLY AFTER YOU APPLY FOR A REBATE. WHY DON'T THEY JUST TAKE THE MONEY OFF THE SALES PRICE AND SKIP THE REBATE?
BECAUSE COMPANIES KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE WON'T APPLY FOR THE REBATE.
WHY NOT?
EITHER BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW OR JUST NEVER GET AROUND TO IT.
SO A REBATE IS A COMPANY'S DECLARATION OF FAITH IN THE FACT THAT WE'RE DUMB AND LAZY?
WE'LL, UM, I WOULDN'T SAY--
GUESS WHO GOT A DEAL ON A PRINTER!!!
NOW THEN, WHAT'S A RE--BATTY?
I GIVE UP.
I HAVE TO HIT YOU WITH THIS REPEATEDLY.

LOOK, MOM! SANTA CAME! I GOT DOMINOES, CANDY, A VIDEO GAME... DID YOU GET ANYTHING?
I DID, JUNIOR. LOOK! I GOT A BOOK AND JEWELRY AND PERFUME!... WONDER WHAT YOUR FATHER GOT?
Whuh ees 'restraining order'?
MERRY CHRISTMAS MOM!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SWEETHEART!
Me got lawyers too, FAT MAN!

Bad news, son. Santa no come Larry house dis year.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! HE ALWAYS COMES.
No. He no come. Guess it cause he moody, fat guy. He have lot of issues.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! SANTA'S KIND AND GENEROUS AND--
DAD ATE AN ELF.
YOU DID WHAT?
Whoa whoa whoa. Me only eat leg. Me sure it magically grow back.

HO HO HO. AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS, MY BOY?
I'D LIKE A TRAIN, AND A STUFFED ANIMAL, AND I'D LOVE ALL YOUR LITTLE HELPERS TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO LEAD LONG, MEANINGFUL LIVES.
HEH, HO HO HO, SURE, MY BOY, BUT THAT LAST REQUEST I DON'T GET VERY MUCH…CAN I ASK YOU WHY YOU WANT THAT?
SANTA NEEDS TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.
AND YOUR REINDEERS… I’D LIKE THEM TO LIVE, TOO.

SO, LARRY, YOU ENJOYING THE JOB SO FAR... FOR ME, IT'S JUST A WAY TO MAKE A FEW EXTRA BUCKS DURING THE HOLIDAYS.
HAHAHA. YOU JOKES SO FUNNY, ELF.
HEY, LARRY, MY NAME'S EDDIE. YOU CAN STOP CALLING ME "ELF."
OH, YES, YES... WHUH GREAT FRIEND YOU EES, EDDY ELF. HEY, YOU WANT BE BETTER FRIENDS? MEBBE MEET SOMEWHERE LIKE REMOTE SWAMP?
I THINK I'LL GO BACK TO WORK NOW, LARRY.
WHOA. NOW ME HAS TOOTHACHE. MIND TAKING CLOSE LOOK, ELF?

HEY, MA, WHERE'S DAD?
HE GOT A JOB IN THE MALL FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
WHAT KIND OF JOB?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY?
DUDE, STOP STARING AT ME.

DAD, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CAN'T MAKE PLANS TO EAT SANTA!
WHY DAT BAD?
BECAUSE HE AND HIS LITTLE ELVES HAVE BEEN WORKING ALL YEAR MAKING TOYS FOR MILLIONS OF KIDS, AND YOU'RE GONNA EAT SANTA ON THE NIGHT HE'S GOTTA HAND THEM ALL OUT.
O.K. O.K., NO WORRY, SON. WE EES COME UP WID PLAN 'B'.
EET ELVES.