Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT, I JUST SENT YOU A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST ON MY iPHONE, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE YOU REJECTED IT.
YEAH. TOO INTIMATE.
SEND ME AN "ACQUAINTANCE REQUEST".
BLIP
YOU REJECTED IT.
YEAH. TOO INTIMATE.
SEND ME AN "ASSOCIATE REQUEST".
BLIP P
YOU REJECTED IT.
YEAH. TOO INTIMATE.
SEND ME A "FAT GUY I KNOW REQUEST".
BLIP
YOU ACCEPTED IT.
I'M A FAT GUY YOU KNOW!
I'M A FAT GUY YOU KNOW!
YOU'VE FAR EXCEEDED THE BOUNDARIES OF A "FAT GUY I KNOW RELATIONSHIP".
TO THE MOST MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP I'VE EVER HAD.

YOU AND I SHOULD BRAINSTORM ABOUT HOW WE CAN MAKE MORE MONEY.
I'D LIKE TO, BUT I CAN'T BRAINSTORM.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T BRAINSTORM?
I CAN ONLY BRAINCHANCEOFSCATTEREDSHOWERS.
NEVER MIND.
AND THE TEN-DAY FORECAST IS NOT GOOD.

OKAY, GUYS, I'VE DECIDED TO IMPROVE THE STRIP BY TEST-MARKETING IT... SO FROM NOW ON, WE'RE GONNA MONITOR THE REACTION OF RANDOM NEWSPAPER READERS. TODAY, THEY'RE MERV AND ETHEL MAUDOLFINSKY OF DES MOINES, IOWA. LET'S SEE HOW MUCH THEY'RE ENJOYING TODAY'S STRIP
HUGE FANS.
BRING BACK "MARK TRAIL".
OH, LET'S CUT THE CAMERA.
OH, I ADORE "MARK TRAIL".

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? IS IT TO LOVE? GAIN WISDOM? CREATE BEAUTY? NO, I SAY. NONE OF THOSE ARE THE TRUE PURPOSE FOR WHICH WE HAVE BEEN PUT ON THIS EARTH.
WHAT IS?
LAWN CARE.
YOUR PURPOSE IS TO ANNOY ME.
SAID THE MAN WITH THE BROWN SPOTS ON HIS LAWN.
FOR SHAME, GOAT... FOR SHAME.

HEY, GOAT,
WHO WERE YOU
TALKING TO ON
YOUR CELL PHONE?
MY MOM...THE POOR
WOMAN'S SITTING
AROUND IN HER HOUSE
EXPERIENCING HOT
FLASHES.
ARE THERE BOMBS GOING OFF
IN HER LIVING ROOM?
NO,
PIG.
GUARD DUCK,
GOAT'S MOM
NEEDS
PROTECTION!
I'LL BLOW
'EM TO
BITS,
SIR!

Okay, zeeba neighba,
crocs sick of no
catching you. So we
ees spend money,
get some wheels.
OH, YEAH?
SO YOU
GUYS
FINALLY
GOT A CAR?
No. Juss some wheels.
He
walking
away,
Bob.
Quick,
throw
you
wheel.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DRAWING DESK?
PUTTING TOGETHER A COVER FOR THE NEXT 'PEARLS' BOOK. I THINK IT MIGHT HELP YOU INCREASE SALES.
THE BOOK CONTAINS 'PEARLS' STRIPS.
HEY, IT'S JUST A COVER. LET THE BUYER BEWARE.

WHAT THE @#$* WAS THAT?!
A BRICK. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO KILL US.
LOOK, THERE'S A NOTE... READ IT.
'PLEASE RETURN YOUR OVERDUE BOOKS.'
WE HAVE SERIOUS LIBRARIANS.

ONE NEVER GETS OVER BEING CAUGHT PLAYING AIR GUITAR.

THANK ME NOW, CARTOON BOY. I JUST SOLD THE MOVIE RIGHTS TO YOUR COMIC STRIP FOR FIVE FIGURES.
FIVE FIGURES? REALLY?
WELL, TWO OF THEM ARE AFTER THE DECIMAL POINT.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
OH, AND I HAD TO THROW IN YOUR FURNITURE.
YOU MIND GETTING UP, PAL?

STEPHAN SAYS WE'RE GETTING A NEW CHARACTER.
WHO?
APPARENTLY, HE'S SOME GUY WHO HORNS IN ON OTHER PEOPLE'S CONVERSATIONS.
DUDE, THAT IS THE MOST ANNOYING HABIT EVER.
WHAT IS?
NOT... BEEEATHING...
OH, YEAH. WHEN YOU CAN'T BREATHE? I HATE THAT.
OPERATOR, GET ME WIDER PANELS.

DID YOU SEE THIS STORY ABOUT "THE FAMILY CIRCUS"? SOMEONE BOUGHT THE MOVIE RIGHTS FOR SEVEN FIGURES.
WHAT'S THE MOVIE GONNA BE ABOUT?
THEY DON'T KNOW YET. THEY'RE ASKING POTENTIAL WRITERS TO SUBMIT THE OPENING FEW PAGES OF A SCRIPT TO SEE WHO BEST CAPTURES THE STRIP'S FAMILY-FRIENDLY SPIRIT.
FADE IN:
JEFFY, FAT AND TATTOED, SITS ON DEATH ROW RECEIVING LAST RITES.
JEFFY
Skip it, Reverend. The Jeffy don't fear death.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DUDE.
YEAH, MAY YOU HAVE MANY MORE!
BLOW OUT THE CANDLES AND MAKE A WISH FOR SOMETHING GREAT!
HOPE THE BIRTHDAY CANDLES DON'T BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.
NEGATIVE NED MAKES A BAD BIRTHDAY GUEST.
HERE'S MY GIFT. IT'S KINDA CRAPPY.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, NED THE NEGATIVE GUY.
OH, YOU MEAN NEGATIVE AS IN PHOTO NEGATIVES.
PHOTOS? I'M JUST TAKING THIS TO THE SHOP 'CAUSE IT'S BROKEN. LIKE EVERYTHING. EVERYWHERE. BECAUSE THE WHOLE WORLD IS BAD AND TRAFFIC IS TERRIBLE AND THE WEATHER IS CRAPPY AND MY FOOT HURTS.
NEVER MIND.
BACON AND EGGS? HELLOOOOO, HEART ATTACK.

HEY, RAT. WHY YOU DRESSED UP?
LIKE THE GREEK PHILOSOPHER, DIOGENES, WHO WANDERED ANCIENT ATHENS HOLDING A LANTERN LOOKING FOR AN HONEST MAN, I, DIOGENRAT, SEARCH THROUGH MODERN LIFE FOR JUST ONE COMPANY THAT GIVES GOOD SERVICE.
I'VE FOUND THAT WHEN I CALL FOR SERVICE, THEY PUT ME ON HOLD FOR AN HOUR, AND THEN WHEN I FINALLY GET THROUGH, I GET A COMPUTERIZED VOICE THAT SAYS, "SORRY, I DIDN'T CATCH THAT."
I'VE FOUND THAT WHEN THEY DO CONNECT ME TO A PERSON, IT'S AN OVERSEAS CALL CENTER AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE PERSON IS SAYING.
SO I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FOR YOU, MY PHONE COMPANY AND YOU, MY COMPUTER MANUFACTURER...
MEBBE INSTEAD OF PAYING YOUR CEO $100 MILLION, YOU COULD PAY HIM $90 MILLION AND USE THE REST TO PERSONALLY STAFF A SERVICE CENTER WITH, OH, I DON'T KNOW, TERRIBLE ORDINARY FOLKS WHO PICK UP THE PHONE BEFORE DIOGENRAT TAKES HIS LANTERN AND SHOVES IT UP...
I DON'T THINK DIOGENES NEVER CARRIED HIS OWN CABLE COMPANY.
NO CABLE? I WONDER HOW A MONKEY GREW UP IN GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM DIOGENES... I WALK THE WORLD WITH MY LANTERN LOOKING FOR JUST ONE COMPANY THAT GIVES GOOD SERVICE.
WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?
THAT I'D HAVE BETTER LUCK FINDING ELVIS.
I THINK HE'S DEAD.
THANKS, MORON. I KNOW.
CHECK, PLEASE.

HAD TO CALL THE STUPID CABLE COMPANY. I'LL TELL YOU, NO MATTER WHERE I LOOK THESE DAYS, I CAN'T FIND ONE COMPANY THAT GIVES GOOD SERVICE.
AH, YES. REMINDS ME OF THIS BOOK I'M READING ON THE ANCIENT GREEK PHILOSOPHER DIOGENES. HE CARRIED A LANTERN THROUGH ALL OF GREECE SEARCHING FOR JUST ONE HONEST MAN.
EEERT
EEERT
EEERT
YOU SET OFF MY BORING GUY-OMETER.
WHY DO I TRY?
PSSST. AVOID THE WORDS 'ANCIENT,' 'BOOK,' AND 'READING.'

HEYA, RHONDA ROBIN. WHAT'S GOING ON?
JUST FINISHED RAISING MY CHICK. ALL THAT'S LEFT IS TO GET HIM OUT OF THE NEST AND HAVE HIM START LIVING HIS OWN LIFE.
PUSH
THUD
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO HELP.

I am sad and lonely and a failure.
All I want is one person who will snuggle me for the night and tell me everything is gonna be okay.
I THINK IT WAS WRONG FOR YOU TO LEAK STEPANIS DIARY TO 'WIKILEAKS'.
HEY HEY HEY. NOTHING TO SEE HERE.
HEY, GUYS, WHATCHA READING?

YO, GOAT... WANNA GET A BEER WITH ME ?
CAN'T. I'M SPENDING THE AFTERNOON WRITING DOWN WAYS I CAN IMPROVE MYSELF OVER THE COMING YEAR. IT'S A VERY CONSTRUCTIVE EXERCISE.
HEY, GOOD IDEA... I SHOULD DO THAT TOO.
None.
Perfection achieved.
MY.
THAT WAS CONSTRUCTIVE.
OOH... SNARKY ENVY... YOU SHOULD STRIVE TO AVOID THAT.

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA EATING?
A BIG BOWL OF GUMBO.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I NEVER KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
OHHH...HOW COULD THEY KILL SOMEONE SO GREEN AND BENDABLE??

WHATCHA WATCHING?
FOOTBALL. RAVENS AGAINST THE STEELERS. I'VE GOT A HUNDRED BUCKS ON THE RAVENS.
WHAT THE @#$% ARE YOU DOING?
I JUST WANTED SOME POPCORN.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE POPCORN. YOU MOVED THE GYPSY BOWL.
SO?
SO WHEN MY TEAM BEGAN ITS COMEBACK, THE BOWL WAS RIGHT THERE. THE BOWL NEEDS TO REMAIN RIGHT THERE.
THERE?
THERE.
THERE?
YOU MOVED THE BEER!! YOU MOVED MY BEER!!
AAAGH!! WHERE'S IT GO? WHERE'S IT GO?
AAAAHH, WHERE'S IT GO? WHERE'S IT GO?
PITTSBURGH FUMBLES. RAVENS WIN.
HAPPY?
I WILL FLY TO PITTSBURGH AND APOLOGIZE TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM!!!

OKAY, GUARD DUCK... FAMILY MEETING TIME... LAST YEAR, YOU ASKED ME IF YOU COULD BUY A HONDA ACCORD, AND I SAID NO BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE A LITTLE TOO IRRESPONSIBLE TO OWN ONE.
I KNOW, SIR. SO I DIDN'T BUY ONE.
YOU BOUGHT A BLACK HAWK HELICOPTER.
SO MUCH FOR COMPROMISE.

OKAY, FAT GUY...
WHERE'S THE CHANGE I'VE BEEN KEEPING IN THE COOKIE JAR?
GUARD DUCK TOOK IT. I KNOW HE WAS SAVING IT FOR SOMETHING AND I THINK HE WAS A LITTLE SHORT.
WE SHOULD HIDE THE COOKIE JAR.

THERE'S A BOY AT THE DOOR WHO WANTS TO SELL US COOKIES TO RAISE MONEY FOR A WORTHY CAUSE.
WHAT'S THE CAUSE?
SURGICAL REMOVAL OF UNWANTED HAIR. HE SAYS IT'S A PROBLEM FOR MILLIONS.
OH, PLEASE. SINCE WHEN IS THE REMOVAL OF AN UNWANTED MUSTACHE OR UNIBROW A WORTHY CAUSE?
WE'LL PASS.