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HEY GOAT, CHECK THIS OUT. I GOT A JOB WRITING THOSE CONTRACTUAL TERMS YOU AGREE TO EVERY TIME YOU LOAD SOFTWARE ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THOSE THINGS? NO ONE EVER READS THEM.
I WILL NEVER BUY SOFTWARE AGAIN.
And you further agree to fight an angry Bonobo monkey, who may or may not be armed.

IF HUMANITY IS EVER TO OVERCOME ITS DIVISIONS, IT WILL FIRST HAVE TO UNITE AROUND ONE, AGREED-UPON CENTRAL PRINCIPLE.
LIKE "LOVE YOUR FELLOW MAN"?
LIKE "IN THE EVENT OF IMMINENT NUCLEAR WAR, IF THERE IS LIMITED SPACE IN THE BOMB SHELTERS, THE FIRST PEOPLE WE WILL SACRIFICE ARE THE HACKY SACK PLAYERS."
I LIKE HACKY SACK.
PIG - IT'S ONE OF THEM.
I'LL MISS YOU, FRIEND.

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA READING?
THIS BOOK ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY.
OOOH... DID THEY HAVE BALLOONS AND A GOOD CATERER?
PIG... THEY ATE EACH OTHER.
I WOULD NOT RE-HIRE THAT CATERER.

WOW. THAT GIRL IS PRETTY.
SAY SOMETHING TO HER... DON'T YOU HAVE A DECENT OPENING LINE?
I HAVEN'T USED AN OPENING LINE ON A GIRL SINCE I WAS AN EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD MATH MAJOR IN COLLEGE.
YEAH. WELL, YOU BETTER SAY SOMETHING FAST. SHE'S GETTING UP TO LEAVE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT PI IS 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899...?
... WE MATH MAJORS DIDN'T DATE MUCH.

I'M THINKING ABOUT RUNNING FOR THE SENATE... I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN?
MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT BY TAKING BRIBES.
GO AWAY.
PLEASE, SIR. HELP MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

HEY, RAT... WANT TO HELP ME DO MY NEW JIGSAW PUZZLE?.. I'VE BEEN AT IT ALL DAY.
DUDE. I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WASTE MY TIME ON SOME 1,000 PIECE MONSTROSITY.
OH. I DON'T LIKE THOSE EITHER, SO I BUY THE ONES THAT ARE A LITTLE EASIER.
I'M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS.

TODAY'S FINAL JEOPARDY CLUE IS THE FOLLOWING... THIS BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED HORSE-LIKE MAMMAL IS OFTEN THE PREY OF AFRICAN LIONS... YOU HAVE TWENTY SECONDS.
OHMYGOD, THAT IDIOT CROC IS GONNA...
Stooped Larry gonna be weener!
MY FATHER.. A JEOPARDY CHAMP...
MY HUSBAND, A WINNER... AT LAST...
LARRY, YOU WERE IN THE LEAD WITH $64,000. OF WHICH YOU'VE BET EVERYTHING. AND YOU SAID...
OH. I'M SORRY. THE ANSWER IS 'ZEBRA'. NOT 'ZEEBRA'. YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING...
ME HAS SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!!!
SLOPPY JOE.
NOT A ZEBRA!

MOM, THIS IS JUNIOR. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT, BUT DAD'S WINNING ON "JEOPARDY." HE'S GETTING ALL OF ALEX TREBEK'S QUESTIONS RIGHT.
HOW CAN THAT BE?
I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. EVERY NIGHT HE PUTS HIMSELF TO SLEEP BY WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL OR THE !SCIENCE CHANNEL! BECAUSE LEARNING BORES HIM SO MUCH. BUT HIS SUBCONSCIOUS HAS BEEN ABSORBING IT ALL...
OHMYGAND! HE MUST BE AS SURPRISED AS ANYONE. HOW'S HE HANDLING IT?
EEN YOU FACE, TREEBEK!!!

LARRY ON "CELEBRITY JEOPARDY"
THIS WORK WAS PUBLISHED BY ISAAC NEWTON IN 1687... YES, LARRY...
Uh... Ahh ees Philosophiea Naturalis Principia Mathematica?
I... I... I'M... STUNNED. FORGIVE MY SHOCK, LARRY, BUT IT'S JUST... SURPRISING...
Yeah, well, guys who knows me back home know how smart me is, so dis no surprise to dem.

LARRY ON "CELEBRITY JEOPARDY"
LARRY, WE START WITH YOU. PICK A CATEGORY.
Uh, yeah, Trebek, let me take that one.
YOU'RE JUST POINTING. YOU NEED TO READ THE CATEGORY ALOUD. THAT'S HOW THE GAME WORKS.
Me no can read, FATFACE.
THIS COULD BE A LONG GAME.

AND WE GO NOW TO OUR THIRD
CONTESTANT, LARRY, FROM THE
COMIC STRIP "PEARLS BEFORE
SWINE"...WHAT CHARITY ARE YOU
PLAYING FOR TODAY?
Huh..?
IT'S 'CELEBRITY
JEOPARDY'...YOUR
WINNINGS GO TO
A CHARITY.
@#$#@ you.
Me keeping
every dime.
CAN I SEE
THE PRODUCER
PLEASE?
Hey...Ees
you hair
real?

MOM, HAS DAD EVER EMBARRASSED YOU SO MUCH YOU'RE BEEN TEMPTED TO GIVE IT ALL UP AND FLEE YOUR OWN FAMILY?
OF COURSE. BUT BEING A FAMILY MEANS STICKING TOGETHER... WHY?
HE'S ON "JEOPARDY."
GOODBYE, SON.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
CELEBRITY JEOPARDY.
OH, GOODY! WHO'S ON IT?
SOMEBODY FROM THE SHOW 'WEEDS,' SOME GUY FROM 'DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES' AND......... OH, MY.
MEE NO KAN SPEL NAME

DUDE, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. MAKE HER GO TO THE AFTERLIFE ALREADY.
CATHY, FLY TO THE LIGHT. FLYYY TO THE LIIIGHT.
DUDE, KEEP GOING. TOWARD THE LIGHT.
DUDE, LOOK. SHE'S LEAVING... SHE'S FLYING UP... TOWARD... THE...
GUYS! LISTEN! I'D LIKE TO DO A REALLY NICE TRIBUTE TO CATHY GUISWITE. AT A TIME WHEN MOST RETIRING CARTOONISTS CHOOSE TO RUN REPEATS, PENSION OFF THEIR CHARACTERS, OR SELL THEIR STRIPS TO MATTEL, SHE DID THE GREATEST THING BY TRYING AND GIVING-
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, DO I?
NOPE.
ZAP
USING THE BUG ZAPPER.
AACKKK.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
TRYING TO GET CATHY'S SOUL OUT OF OUR DINER. I GUESS EVER SINCE SHE WENT TO THE COMIC STRIP AFTERLIFE, SHE KNOWS SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CALORIES.
SO SHE'S JUST EATING?
YEAH. BECAUSE SPIRITS CAN'T GAIN WEIGHT, RIGHT?
MORE CHEESECAKE, PLEASE.
WE NEED TO TALK.
MACY'S HAVE I GOT A BALLOON FLOAT FOR YOU!

WHAT THE @#%* IS THAT?
IT'S CATHY'S SOUL... IT SHOWED UP WHEN SHE RETIRED FROM THE COMICS. I THINK IT GOT LOST ON ITS WAY TO THE COMICS AFTERLIFE.
WELL I DON'T WANT IT IN OUR DINER. IT'S CREEPY. MAKE IT GO TO HEAVEN OR SOMETHING.
RUN TO THE LIGHT, CATHY!!... RUUUUN TO THE LIIIGHT!
HEY! IT'S WORKING! SHE'S LEAVING! SHE'S LEAVING! SHE'S...
...STOPPING FOR CHEESECAKE.
THINK OF THE CALORIES! THE CALORIES!
GHOST MOM. NOT A WORRY.

WHEN A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER RETIRES, DOES THEIR SOUL LIVE ON IN THE AFTERLIFE?
OF COURSE NOT, YOU STUPID PIG. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK?
NO REASON.

I'M GONNA START APOLOGIZING TO ALL THE PEOPLE I'VE INSULTED BY TELLING THEM, "I'M SORRY THAT YOU WERE OFFENDED."
IS THAT A REAL APOLOGY?
NO. THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT. IT ALLOWS ME TO RETAIN THE IMPACT OF THE ORIGINAL INSULT WHILE TACKING ON THE IMPLIED BONUS INSULT OF, "YOU'RE AN OVERSENSITIVE NINNY."
BUT THAT'S KINDA RUDE 'CAUSE IT'S SORTA SAYING THE GUY IS TOO DUMB TO REALIZE THAT.
I'M SORRY THAT YOU WERE OFFENDED.
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
"FAHRENHEIT 451." IT'S THIS SCIENCE
FICTION NOVEL ABOUT A HEGEMONISTIC,
ANTI-INTELLECTUAL SOCIETY WHERE
NOBODY CAN OWN ANY BOOKS,
SO NOBODY READS. INSTEAD,
EVERYONE JUST SITS AROUND
WATCHING INTERACTIVE WALL-SIZE TV'S
YOU JUST DESCRIBED MY
LIVING ROOM.
WELL, IT
USED TO
BE SCIENCE
FICTION.
HEY, THEIR
TV'S
AREN'T BIGGER
THAN MINE,
ARE THEY?

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, RAT?
PLAYING TIMMY THE HOUSEFLY IN DARTS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE GUY'S PROBLEM IS, BUT THE IDIOT KEEPS MISSING THE BOARD.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS VERY HARD WITH COMPOUND EYES.
THROW THE DART, EXCUSE BOY.

DELTASOUTH AIRLINES, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I’D LIKE A FLIGHT FROM L.A. TO CHICAGO.
THAT WILL BE $195.
FINE. I’LL TAKE IT.
WILL YOU BE CHECKING ANY LUGGAGE?
YEAH. ONE BAG.
THAT’LL BE AN EXTRA $25.
FOR WHAT?
BAGGAGE FEE.
BAGGAGE FEE??
HOW RIDICULOUS.
SORRY, SIR. AND HOW MUCH DOES YOUR LUGGAGE WEIGH?
I DUNNO, 50 POUNDS OR SO.
THAT’S AN EXTRA $75. YOU’RE KIDDING.
NO.
SO $195 PLUS $25 PLUS $75? MY GOD… THAT’S… I’M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU WOULD CHARGE FOR THIS STUPID CHAIR??
$295.
YES… $295… THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT THE FIRST TIME. NO NEED TO TALK TO ME LIKE I’M A MORON. JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE QUESTION.
WHAT??
WILL YOU BE WANTING ANY WINGS?
NO. NO WINGS ON A PLANE.
WELL, THE CHICKEN WINGS I’LL BE EATING ARE EXTRA.
AAAAUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!
IF IT’S ANY HELP, OUR PLANES WITH WINGS FLY SOOOO MUCH

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST OF WHAT YOU CALL YOUR SENSE OF TASTE IS ACTUALLY JUST YOUR SENSE OF SMELL?
SO IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE, YOU'D FIND ALMOST ALL FOOD BLAND?
YEAH. NOT TO MENTION THAT IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE, YOU'D HAVE TO BREATHE ENTIRELY THROUGH YOUR MOUTH, WHICH WOULD MAKE EATING A VERY DIFFICULT PROCESS.
AND STILL, SHE HAS TROUBLE DIETING.
A TRUE FREAK OF NATURE.

Hey, Larry, me hear you keeling crocs to sell dere skin.
Yeah, but me only do when me need monies to pay for someting eemportant.
Me got late fees at video store.

EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD YOU
DO ME A SOLID AND PASS
THE KETCHUP?
I'M SORRY, BUT DID
YOU JUST USE THE
EXPRESSION, 'DO ME A
SOLID'?
YEAH. WHY?
WHACK
THERE ARE
BETTER WAYS
TO HANDLE
EXPRESSIONS
YOU DON'T
LIKE.
NO
THERE'S
NOT.
WELL...YOU
DID
GIVE
HIM A
SOLID.

THANKS FOR COMING TO CHURCH WITH ME, PIG… I KNOW IT'S A PAIN TO PUT ON A SUIT ON SUNDAY MORNINGS.
OH, I DON'T MIND, ZEBRA. IT'S NICE TO GO SOME PLACE WHERE EVERYONE STILL DRESSES UP.
THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD PLACE FOR A SHIRT, SHIRTLESS SEAN.
WITH THESE GUNS?... GOD WILL FORGIVE ME.