Pearls Before Swine | Search

FEEL FREE TO TELL ME ANYTHING, MR. JOHNSON. THIS IS A JUDGMENT-FREE SETTING.
WELL, DOCTOR, SOMETIMES I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET, AND I THINK I CAN FLY. I MEAN, I DUNNO. IS THAT NORMAL?
ERRT ERRT ERRT ERRT
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S THE BONKERS CHICKEN... YOU'VE SET IT OFF.
I'M LEAVING.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. YOU OWE ME AN EXTRA $50 TO RE-SET THE CHICKEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MAKING THE SIGN FOR MY NEW THERAPY PRACTICE.
BECAUSE... SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T
ARE YOU A THERAPIST OR A 'MOUNDS' BAR?
HEY... WE ALL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A THERAPIST.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE TRAINED TO BE A THERAPIST?
I HAVE A COUCH. AND I CAN SAY 'HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?'
THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID!
BUT HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
DON'T TOUCH ME.
SHOULD WE RESTRAIN THE PATIENT, DOCTOR?

DUDE, GET THE 'RAID' CAN. THERE'S A GIANT STICK INSECT AT THE FRONT DOOR.
A GIANT STICK INSECT?!
I'M NOT A STICK INSECT. I'M A SUPERMODEL.
IT'S SO HARD TO TELL.

OH, PIGITA, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT. I THINK YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST WOMAN ON THE NEWSPAPER COMICS PAGE. YOU KNOW, I SHOULD CAPTURE THIS MOMENT.
DID YOU JUST SHOVE 'SILLY PUTTY' IN MY FACE?
YEAH. LOOK HOW WELL IT PICKS UP NEWSPRINT.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
TALKING TO MY FRIENDS MR. CHOO AND MR. WHYTE. THEY'RE BOTH MEMBERS OF THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT AND THEY JUST FINISHED VOTING "AYE" ON A BILL.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME ...
IT'S BEST TO STOP THESE PUN STRIPS BEFORE THEY START.

I'M GONNA START A CAMPAIGN TO TRY AND GET MORE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FROM PEOPLE.
THEN START BY LOVING OTHERS.
FINE. BUT FIRST THEY MUST SWEAR UNDYING LOYALTY TO ME.
RAT, NO RIGHT-THINKING PERSON IS GOING TO OFFER UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO SOMEONE WHOSE LOVE IS CONDITIONAL.... DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY ?
TARGET THE DUMB GUYS ?
MAYBE YOU DON'T.
HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!
OH BOY!

WOW, THIS COMIC 'CUL DE SAC' IS REALLY AMAZING. THIS GUY, RICHARD THOMPSON, HAS GOTTA BE THE MOST BRILLIANT GUY ON THE COMICS PAGE.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO RICHARD THOMPSON IS. HOW WOULD YOU KNOW HE'S THE MOST BRILLIANT?
DEDUCTIVE REASONING.
DEDUCTIVE REASONING?
I KNEW IT WASN'T YOU.
THERE'S MORE THAN TWO OF US IN THE PROFESSION.
OH, THEN YOU'RE BELOW THOSE OTHER GUYS, TOO.
IT'S OKAY, STEPH. HAVE A NICE HAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M CHANGING THE 'WIKIPEDIA' PAGE ON 'GLOBAL WARMING' TO SAY THAT JUMPING OFF YOUR ROOF WHILE IMITATING ONE OF THE THREE STOOGES IS A GOOD WAY TO CURB CARBON EMISSIONS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S FUN. AND BESIDES, WHO CARES? IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE WOULD--
NYUK NYUK NYUK
WE SHOULD LIMIT HIS INTERNET TIME.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU THIS -- OH, SORRY, DUDE, YOU SLEEPING?
THE DINER GOT NEW WALLPAPER.
COMIC STRIPS CAN BE SO CONFUSING.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
TOUGH DAY. I HAVE TO GO TO THE D.M.V. TO GET MY LICENSE RENEWED. I HAVE TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE. AND I HAVE TO PAY BILLS.
I HAVE TO PUSH AROUND A GIANT BALL OF DUNG.
IT'S BEST NOT TO WHINE AROUND DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE.

HEY, PIG. WHY THE LONG FACE?
OH, HEY, DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE...I'M JUST HAVING A BAD DAY. YOU KNOW, LOTS OF BILLS, NO JOB, CAR TROUBLES.
I LIVE IN DUNG.
IT'S HARD TO COMPLAIN TO DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE.

HEY, ZEBRA. WANT TO BUY SOME COOKIES? SEE HOW YOU BUY A BOX FOR A BUCK.
SURE. I LOVE COOKIES.
GREAT. ENJOY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YES?
THE BUCK JUST GETS YOU THE BOX. IF YOU WANT COOKIES IN THERE, IT'S AN EXTRA TWO BUCKS.
WHAT KIND OF RIPOFF IS THAT?
IT'S NO KIND OF A RIPOFF AT ALL.
GIVE ME MY TWO BUCKS BACK.
FINE. YOU'RE LUCKY I'M SUCH A NICE GUY.
GREAT. ENJOY.
HEY, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS?
YOU DO NOT GET CHIPS IF YOU WANT EM', IT'S TWO BUCKS FOR THAT.
HERE YOU GO.
FINE. HERE'S YOUR CHIPS.
THAT'S JUST A BAG OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS. PUT EM' IN THE COOKIES.
OOH, YOU'RE A DEMANDING LITTLE FUDGEBALL, AREN'T YOU?.....YOU WANT THE CHIPS-CHIPS IN THE COOKIES-PREMIUM SERVICE. IT'S JUST AN EXTRA....
AUGHH
THE AIRLINE FEE STRUCTURE. IT'S NOT JUST FOR AIRLINES ANYMORE.
AND FOR TWO MORE BUCKS, I'LL WASH MY HANDS FIRST.

DO YOU THINK THAT HAVING CHORES YOU HAVE TO DO EVERY WEEK MAKES YOU A MORE RESPONSIBLE GUY?
OH, YES. AND THE MORE RESPONSIBLE YOU ARE, THE BETTER ALL-AROUND BEING YOU ARE, WHICH IN TURN MAKES YOU HAPPY.
YEAH. AND I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND ALL, BUT... WOW... IT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAT...
... YOU BE HAPPY.
*SIGH*

Son, me has technoglogical question.
WHAT IS IT?
If crocs call Zeeba on compooter videophone and Zeeba answer, does Zeeba actually be een croc living room?
NO, DAD, THAT'S HIS IMAGE ON THE SCREEN. IT'S NOT THE ACTUAL ZEBRA.
Bad news.

DID GEORGE WASHINGTON HAVE A POINT AT THE TOP OF HIS HEAD?
NO.
WAS HE FIVE HUNDRED FEET TALL?
NO.
THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT DOES NOT DEPICT GEORGE WASHINGTON.
THEN WHO'S THAT SPOS'D TO BE?
IT'S HIS ARCH NEMESIS, ANDY OBEUSKI!

RAT MAKES "PEARLS" A "MAD LIB."
LISTEN TO ME, RAT. I'M SERIOUS. WE ARE NOT TURNING THE STRIP INTO A "MAD LIB."
FINE, THEN HOW 'BOUT JUST THE PUNCHLINE? WE CAN ASK READERS TO FILL IN THE BLANKS AND GIVE A PRIZE TO THE BEST SUBMISSION.
NO. I HAVE NO PRIZE TO GIVE AND I HAVE NO TIME TO GO THROUGH 100, 000 E-MAILS.
ALRIGHT. FINE. I UNDERSTAND.
HOW 'BOUT I JUST ____ THEM (VERB) ____ A ____ (ADJECTIVE) (NOUN).
I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
RUN, RAT, BEFORE HE ____ YOUR ____ (VERB) (NOUN)

HEY, PIG, DID YOU SEE WHAT YOUR STUPID GUARD DUCK DID?
NO. WHAT?
HE _____ A _____ WITH HIS _____.
MY STRIP IS NOT A 'MADLIB.'
WHY NOT? IT BEATS THE _____ YOU WRITE.
HAHAHA YOU JUST MADE ME _____

PIG, IT'S ME, PIGITA... I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME OUT TONIGHT... AND I WANT TO GO SOMEPLACE NICE, NOT ONE OF YOUR ADOLESCENT BURGER JOINTS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BURGER JOINTS?
BECAUSE, I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I'M DATING A KID... I'M A GROWN WOMAN AND I NEED A MATURE RELATIONSHIP.
YOU GOT IT... BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
WHY?
NO REASON.
OUT OF THE SOFA FOR FATTY CROCKETT!!

HEY, GUYS, CAN YOU ALL TAKE A BREAK FROM WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO WATCH MY NEW DOG, IKE, DO SOME TRICKS?
GEE, PIG. I'M SORTA READING THIS BOOK ON CAESAR RIGHT NOW.
IT'LL BE GREAT. I SWEAR... HE KNOWS HOW TO AIM HIS LITTLE PAW AT SOMETHING, AND HE CAN SAY THROUGH ICE, AND HE CAN JUMP ON THIS KURDISH MAN'S HEAD.
REALLY?
YEAH, WATCH... I'LL TELL HIM TO AIM... GOAT, YOU POINT OUT THE ICE AND YELL "SAY," AND RAT, YOU TELL HIM TO JUMP ON THIS MAN'S HEAD... READY... GO!
IKE, AIM!
SAY! ON!
ICE! I SAW!
IKE, ON KURD!
I COME TO BURY PASTIS, NOT TO PRAISE HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
A BUNCH OF FAT ITALIANS YELLING AT EACH OTHER.
IT'S CALLED OPERA.
SEE. I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T 'COPS'.
SO THAT'S WHY NO ONE GOT MACED.

HEY, I THINK I FINALLY FINISHED PAINTING THE LIVING ROOM.
DID YOU KNOW THE WORD "PAINT" COMES FROM THE OLD FRENCH WORD, 'PENITRER,' WHICH COMES FROM THE LATIN, 'PINGERE'?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CONFIRMING GOAT'S STORIES REALLY ARE AS BORING AS WATCHING PAINT DRY.

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A NEW
GOVERNOR... HOW DO YOU
THINK SHE’LL DO?
I GUESS IT
DEPENDS ON
WHETHER OR
NOT SHE FEELS
SHE HAS A
MANDATE.
THAT’S
STUPID.
WHY IS
THAT
STUPID?
BECAUSE SHE
SHOULD TRY TO
GOVERN WELL
REGARDLESS OF
HER SOCIAL
LIFE.
A MANDATE IS NOT A DATE
WITH A MAN.
HOW DOES IT
FEEL TO KNOW
HIS VOTE COUNTS
THE SAME AS
YOURS?
I HAD
A MAN
DATE ONCE.
DIDN’T GO
WELL.

HEY, PIGITA... WHY AREN'T YOU READY? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO GO TO CHEZ PANISSE TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS? YOU NEVER LISTEN! WHAT I SAID WAS I WANTED TO GO TO A STEAKHOUSE.
NOVEMBER 2, 2010. 2:46 P.M.
PIG: WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TOMORROW NIGHT, PIGITA?
PIGITA: CHEZ PANISSE.
STEVEIE STENOGRAPHER.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, RAT?
STEVIE STENOGRAPHER. HE TAKES DOWN EVERY WORD EVERYONE SAYS. THAT WAY I HAVE A VERBATIM RECORD OF ALL THE PROMISES OTHERS DON'T KEEP.
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PROMISES YOU DON'T KEEP? LIKE YESTERDAY, WHEN YOU
EAR- MUFFS!
I SEE.
GET YOUR OWN STENOGRAPHER