Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, GOAT, IN AN EFFORT TO IMPROVE THE READERSHIP OF YOUR BLOG, I'VE BEEN STUDYING THE GOOGLE ANALYTICS FOR IT.
WHAT ARE THOSE?
A COMPREHENSIVE SERIES OF STATS ABOUT PAGE VIEWS, UNIQUE VISITORS AND HOW VIEWERS FIND YOUR BLOG. ANYWAYS, FROM ALL THAT, I THINK I'VE ASCERTAINED THE PROBLEM...
WHAT IS IT?
YOU'RE BORING.
I SENSE YOU DISPUTE THE DATA.

WHY IS IT THAT ALL OF US CHARACTERS HAVE TO APPEAR IN THIS COMIC STRIP WITHOUT CLOTHES? WHAT AM I, EYE CANDY FOR MILLIONS OF LASCIVIOUS READERS?
I GUESS IT'S JUST BECAUSE WE'RE ANIMALS AND WE'RE NOT EXPECTED TO WEAR CLOTHES.
YEAH, YEAH, I DON'T CARE. IT MAKES ME MAD. AND THAT'S WHY I'M DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
GIVE ME MY PANTS NOW.
COME AND GET 'EM, CARTOON BOY.
HEY, LOOK! I'M A STEPHAN!

STORY UPDATE:
Rat has obtained a government job compiling stats on baboon fatalities.
HEY, GOAT, WANT A JOB WITH THE DEPARTMENT OF BABOON FATALITIES? YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORK. YOU CAN JUST PLAY VOLLEYBALL AND I'LL OKAY YOUR ALL-CARE.
NO, I DON'T WANT A JOB... YOU'RE JUST HASTING TAXPAYER MONEY.
LISTEN, CHUBBY BOY. I HAVE A BIG BUDGET... I EITHER SPEND THAT ENTIRE BUDGET ON NEW HIRES OR RISK HAVING IT CUT NEXT YEAR.
THEN LET IT BE CUT. WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE? FIND A BUNCH OF FRAUDS TO DO NO WORK AND WASTE THE GOVERNMENTS--
YOU'RE HURTING MORALE.

RAT CONFRONTS THE CONSCIENCE HE LOCKED AWAY YEARS AGO
LET'S SEE...YOU SKIP CHURCH...GET DRUNK...AND THINK ONLY ABOUT MAKING MONEY...IF THAT'S NOT A PRESCRIPTION FOR SALVATION, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
SHUT YOUR FACE. I'VE GOT A PLAN.
LEMME GUESS...YOU'RE GONNA KEEP DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT, BUT ASK FOR FORGIVENESS IN THE SECONDS BEFORE YOU DIE, HOPING LIKE HECK THAT YOUR DEATH DOESN'T ONE DAY CATCH YOU BY SURPRISE.
WHO TALKED?
ABOUT TWO BILLION OTHER CONSCIENCES.

I HEAR PIG FOUND YOUR CONSCIENCE LOCKED IN A TRUNK IN THE ATTIC.
YEAH. AND IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT IT, I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE A @#$%&*@ RUG.
PROFANITY IS WRONG.
THIS COULD GET VERY ANNOYING.

HEY, RAT...LOOK AT THIS GREAT OLD DUSTY TRUNK I FOUND IN THE ATTIC.
PUT IT BACK.
WHY? WHAT'S IN IT?
MY CONSCIENCE. I LOCKED IT AWAY YEARS AGO.
WHICH WAS REALLY THE WRONG THING TO DO.
PIPE DOWN, YOU PREACHY FUN-KILLER.
CAN I GET YOU A SANDWICH?!

SOMETIMES I WISH I WASN'T NAMED 'PIG'...IT SEEMS LIKE A WORD THAT CAN SOMETIMES BE USED AS AN INSULT.
I'M A CRAPPIE FISH.
IT'S HARD TO COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR NAME AROUND A CRAPPIE FISH.

YOU KNOW HOW WHEN SOMEBODY'S REALLY GOOD AT SOMETHING, THEY SAY, "HE MAKES IT LOOK EASY?"
YEAH. WHY?
YOU MAKE CARTOONING LOOK HARD.
SO MUCH FOR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM.

WELL, I'M OFF TO BUY LOTTERY TICKETS!
PIG, DID YOU KNOW THAT THE ODDS OF YOU WINNING THE LOTTERY ARE WORSE THAN THE ODDS OF YOU GETTING ATTACKED BY A BLACK BEAR AND A POLAR BEAR ON THE SAME DAY?
WHOA. THEN I AM NOT GONNA WASTE THIS ON A LOTTERY TICKET.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG.
I'M GONNA SPEND IT ON A RIFLE.
NEVER MIND. DO NOT SHOW FEAR. THEY CAN SMELL IT.

A dance for Steve
(from a Rat who doesn’t
even like to dance.)

WHATCHA READING, GOAT?
A BOOK ON THE PUNIC WARS.
OH, THAT SURE IS A NICE WAR.
WHY IS IT NICE?
BECAUSE IF THERE HAS TO BE A WAR, YOU WANT IT TO BE TINY.
PUNIC, PIG. NOT PUNY.
PANIC?
OKAY.
AUGHHHHH

NOW THAT YOU HAVE THIS BIG WALL AROUND YOUR PROPERTY, AREN’T YOU WORRIED YOU COULD LOSE THE KEY TO THE GATE?
NO. I HAVE A SPARE THAT I KEEP IN A SAFE PLACE.
SAFE ENOUGH THAT YOU DON’T THINK THE CROCS CAN GET TO IT?
YEP.
Reech for it, Bob.
You reech for it, Burt.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, RAT?
WELL, YOU'VE HEARD OF BOOKS LIKE 'CHEMISTRY FOR DUMMIES'? I'M WRITING MY OWN SERIES... 'CHEMISTRY FOR MORONS.'
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CHEMISTRY.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW BANJOS CAN BE USED AS PART OF OUR NATIONAL DEFENSE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ONCE YOUR DEPARTMENT'S BUDGET IS TIED TO A WEAPON SYSTEM, IT'S PRACTICALLY SACROSANCT.
HOW IN THE WORLD CAN BANJOS BE USED AS A WEAPON??
YOU EVER HEARD ONE?
I GIVE UP.

RAT, THE GOVERNMENT "BANJO FATALITY" STATISTIAN
WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
DECIDING WHERE TO PUT THE FIRST "BANJO FATALITY" CONFERENCE. I'M THINKING IT NEEDS TO BE THE SITE OF THE FIRST KNOWN BANJO FATALITY.
WHAT FATALITY WAS THAT?
BILLY LEE JOE BOB. HE WAS MAKING MOON-SHINE WHEN HE TRIPPED OVER HIS HOUND AND IMPALED HIMSELF ON HIS BANJO. BUT WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHERE IT HAPPENED.
WHAT'S YOUR BEST GUESS?
THE FRENCH RIVIERA.
NO.
WELL, BETTER CHECK TO BE SURE.

I GOT A HIGH-PAYING JOB COMPILING STATS FOR THE GOVERNMENT.
WELL, THAT'S GOOD. BUT WITH ALL THIS WASTEFUL SPENDING GOING ON, I HOPE IT'S AN ESSENTIAL ONE. WHAT DO YOU COMPILE STATS ON?
BANJO FATALITIES.
I GIVE UP.
MIND IF I CONDUCT SOME FIELD RESEARCH?

HEY, PIG.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M EXHAUSTED.
I JUST CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT.
I USED TO HAVE THAT PROBLEM TOO, FOR ME IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE OPPRESSIVE SILENCE OF THE ROOM.
ME TOO!
IT SCARES ME. THEN I CAN'T SLEEP.
YEAH. WHAT FIXED IT FOR ME WAS TO JUST HAVE SOME WHITE NOISE IN THE BACKGROUND.
THAT WORKS?
IT DID FOR ME.
I'LL TRY IT!
FOOORE!!
SELL MY SHARES! SELL!
LAWN CARE CALLS FOR FUNGUS KILLER!
JAMES? JAMES? SUPPER?
PICK A PIZZA! POUR A DRINK!
POUR A DRINK!
MY WHITES ARE TOO NOISY.

HOW COME SOMETIMES WHEN I TRY TO DO THE RIGHT THING, EVERYTHING TURNS OUT BADLY FOR ME?
NEW, YOU KNOW, PIG, ACTING WITH HONOR IS ITS OWN REWARD. AFTER ALL, WHAT'S LIFE WITHOUT PRINCIPLES?
FUN.
DON'T LISTEN TO---
I WANT THAT!!

HEY, RAT...WHY YOU WEARING AN 'EVEL KNIEVEL' SUIT?
BECAUSE THE CITY INSTALLED LITTLE JUMP RAMPS ON OUR STREET. IF I DRIVE OVER 'EM REALLY FAST, MY CAR ACTUALLY GETS AIR...SO I'M A DAREDEVIL NOW!
THOSE ARE SPEED BUMPS. THEY'RE THERE TO SLOW YOU DOWN.
THEN WHY CALL 'EM SPEED BUMPS?
PLEASE STOP TALKING.
PERHAPS GOAT'S THINKING OF SLOW BUMPS.

MY BUDDY BOB GOT KICKED OUT YESTERDAY FOR TWEETING FROM HERE IN THE DINER.
YEAH, A LOT OF RESTAURANTS NOW ASK YOU TO TURN OFF ALL CELL PHONES AND OTHER DIGITAL DEVICES BECAUSE OF THE NOISE THEY MAKE. AND I HAVE TO AGREE. IT'S RUDE TO YOUR FELLOW DINERS.
WHAT'S THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BOB?
FORGET IT.
MIND IF I POST YOUR HUMILIATED FACE ON MY TWITTER PAGE?

HEY, GOAT, I THINK YOUR BLOG'S REALLY GAINING AN AUDIENCE...I HEARD A GUY COMMENTING ON IT AT THE CAFÉ YESTERDAY.
YOU'RE KIDDING. WHAT'D HE SAY?
WELL, I MENTIONED YOUR NAME AND TOLD HIM YOU HAD A BLOG, AND HE SAID, "SOUNDS PRETTY BORING."
MUST BE NICE TO GET SOME RECOGNITION.

I'M TIRED OF ROUTINE. I NEED CHANGE.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND? NEW HOBBIES? NEW SHOES?
BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.
I VOTE FOR SHOES.
VOTE FAST. TIME IS PRECIOUS.

GASP! IT?! MY STUPID MUG HAS @#$!*#& LIPSTICK STAINS ON IT.
You know, Rat, there are a lot of expressions that allow you to express your rage without having to resort to profanity.
HEAVENS TO BETSY!
NEVER MIND. NOT QUITE AS !@#$!@# SATISFYING.

WHY DO THEY CALL PHILADELPHIA THE "CITY OF BROTHERLY LOVE"?
WELL, AS MOST WORD NERDS, YOU JUST HAVE TO BREAK DOWN THE WORD.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, "PHILO" IS GREEK FOR "TO LOVE"...AND "ADELPHOS" MEANS "BROTHER."
OOOH...THAT'S NEAT! LET ME TRY THAT WITH A WORD!!
SURE.
OKAY..."RA"...WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU MEAN, AS IN THE CHEER, "RAH RAH"?
YEAH.
AG?...THAT'S OFTEN SHORT FOR "AGRICULTURE."
VI"...? THAT MEANS "TO COMPETE."
SO "VIAGRA" IS TO HELP YOU CHEER AT AN AGRICULTURAL COMPETITION?!
MAY I HAVE THAT BACK PLEASE?
I'LL TAKE CHEER AND CHEER GREAT!
I CAN'T DO THIS.

WHAT'S GOING ON, PIG?
THAT PRETTY GIRL ACROSS THE ROOM SMILED AT ME... IT WAS REALLY QUICK AND IT WAS JUST THE CORNER OF HER MOUTH, BUT IT WAS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE.
PIG, SHE HAS A TIC.
IS THAT LIKE HAVING FLEAS?
NEVER MIND.
BECAUSE IF SO, I THINK OUR LOVE CAN OVERCOME IT.