Pearls Before Swine | Search

PIG... WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S 3:00 A.M.
I'M THE NIGHTMARE CRUSHER. I WAKE PEOPLE TO SAVE THEM FROM THEIR NIGHTMARES.
BUT I WASN'T HAVING NIGHTMARES. I WAS JUST ASLEEP.
YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS HARD TO TELL, SO TO BE SAFE, I JUST WAKE EVERYONE.
NEVER... DO... THAT... AGAIN.
NIGHTMARE CRUSHER IS RARELY THANKED.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PAIN RELIEVER?
FOR WHAT KIND OF PAIN?
ALL OF IT.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
ALL THE PAIN THAT CAN COME WITH JUST BEING ALIVE.
SCIENCE HAS A LONG WAY TO GO.

PARDON ME, FOLKS, BUT WE'RE LOOKING FOR A BANK ROBBER. ALL WE KNOW ABOUT HIM IS THAT HE'S FROM PITTSBURGH.
YEAH, WELL, GOOD LUCK I.D.'ING SOMEONE JUST BASED ON WHERE THEY'RE FROM.
YEAH, YINZ ARE NUTS.
PITTSBURGHESE FOR "YOU ALL."
THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LANGUAGE?
WAS MY FRANCO HARRIS UNDERWEAR SHOWING?

I GOT FIRED FROM WORK. MY BOSS SAID I WAS JUST TOO GULLIBLE TO BE IN A CORPORATE SETTING. SO MY FINAL DAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH. HANG ON, THIS IS MY BOSS CALLING.
PIG, WHY AREN’T YOU AT WORK?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YESTERDAY WAS THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH.
FEBRUARY HAS AN EXTRA DAY THIS YEAR.
HA! NICE TRY.
AT LEAST I’M SHOWING IMPROVEMENT.

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THOSE "HOW'S MY DRIVING?" BUMPER STICKERS ON THE BACK OF TRUCKS THAT INVITE YOU TO CALL SOME NUMBER?
SURE. WHY?
BECAUSE I'VE CREATED MY OWN HELPFUL STICKER TO PUT OVER THEIR STICKER.
I'M WORKING FOR A LIVING JUST LIKE YOU, BUT SURE, GO AHEAD AND NARC ON ME TO MY BILLIONAIRE BOSS.
I DON'T SEE A PHONE NUMBER.
CORRECT.

ONE OF THE THINGS THAT I'VE FOUND HELPFUL IN THERAPY IS TO HAVE MY PATIENTS LIST THE EMOTIONS THEY'VE BEEN FEELING.
EMOTIONS, HUH, LET'S SEE... HAPPY, GRUMPY, BASHFUL.
SLEEPY, SNEEZY, DOPEY.
DO YOU HAVE ANY EMOTIONS THAT AREN'T DWARFS?
NOPE, DOC.

HEY, RAT. I TRIED TO LEAVE YOU A VOICEMAIL, BUT YOUR VOICEMAIL IS FULL.
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
NO ONE CAN LEAVE YOU ANY MESSAGES.
I TAKE IT YOU WON'T BE CLEARING SPACE.
TO DREAMS COMING TRUE.

WHO ARE ALL THESE GUYS?
THAT FIRST GUY IS THE MAN FROM PLANO, TEXAS. THE GUY NEXT TO HIM IS NAMED, KNIGHTS. THEY BOTH SING.
AND WHO ARE THESE TWO?
THAT'S TOM. HE GOES BY 'T' AND IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD, HE'LL GIVE YOU A MELON. AND THAT'S HUGH, THE OWNER. HE JUST WANTS TO BE SURE WE'RE ALL FEELING GOOD IN HIS BAR.
WHY ISN'T ANYONE DOING ANYTHING?
WE ALL JUST NEED ENCOURAGEMENT. HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU
SING US A SONG, YOU'RE THE PLANO MAN! SING US A SONG TONIGHT! WE'RE ALL IN THE MOOD FOR A MELON, 'T,' AND HUGH'S GOT US FEELING ALRIGHT!
I LOATHE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

Letter from publeesher.
Me write book. Me want get publeeshed.
Dear Contributor,
You are barely literate. What makes you think you could ever get a book published?
ARROGANTZ!
Stoopid question.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS... WHAT IS A SUCCESSFUL LIFE?
BEING THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER ACHIEVE SOMETHING.
HAS ANYONE EVER FAILED AT EVERY ONE OF THOSE THINGS THEY'VE TRIED?
NOT THAT I KNOW OF.
I CAN BE THE FIRST GUY TO DO THAT.
I JUST BECAME A PIONEER.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, RAT?
JUST DOING SOME THINKING.
I HAVE AN IDEA!
SORRY, THAT'S AN OLD INCANDESCENT BULB. YOU HAVE TO HAVE AN L.E.D. BULB NOW OR NOTHING.
ENVIRONMENTALISM HAS GONE TOO FAR.

HI, PIGITA. IT'S ME, PIG.
I'M GLAD YOU CALLED, PIG, BECAUSE IF WE'RE GONNA GO FORWARD IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR MATURITY.
OKAY. BUT I CAN'T DO IT TODAY.
WHY? WHAT DO YOU HAVE SCHEDULED FOR TODAY?
SIX HOURS OF POPPING BUBBLE WRAP.
I'M NEWLY SINGLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAILMAN MOE?
OPENING UP YOUR OUTGOING MAIL AND READING ONE OF YOUR LETTERS.
YOU DON'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT?
WELL... I GUESS I DO.
YOUR WRITING IS BORING AS ALL HECK.
NOT WHAT I MEANT.
HEY, WE CAN'T ALL BE HEMINGWAY.

MY MANTRA WHEN I GET UP EVERY MORNING-
I CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING!!
MY MANTRA BY NOON-
IF I go back to bed, will you leave me alone?
MANTRAS SHOULD ALWAYS BE FLEXIBLE.

WRITE ME A COMIC STRIP.
HI. WHAT'S NEW WITH YOU?
I GOT OVER MY FEAR OF DOGS.
HOW?
WELL...
I AVOID THEM!
OH, YOU!
WHAT THE @#%* IS THAT?
FIRST STRIP WRITTEN BY ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
IT'S SO EASY TO REPLACE YOU!

HEY, MOLLY MOTH, WHATCHA DOING?
JUST HAVING COFFEE WITH MY HUSBAND.
ACK
OH MY GOD, HE'S NOT BREATHING.
HUFF
HUFF
HUFF
HE'S BREATHING AGAIN!
*GASP*
IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW MOTH-TO-MOTH RESUSCITATION.

HEY, RAT, WHERE’S THE NEW BOOKSHELF YOU BOUGHT?
TURNED OUT TO BE REALLY HARD TO BUILD, SO I GOT FRUSTRATED AND GAVE UP.
IT'S STILL IN THE BOX.
I'M AN EARLY GIVER-UPPER.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH I NEED A SIXTY WATT LIGHT BULB.
YEAH, ARE YOU LOOKING FOR AN ENERGY-SAVING INCANDESCENT, A C.F.L., A SMART BULB, OR AN L.E.D., THE LATTER OF WHICH RANGE FROM ABOUT 500 TO 2500 LUMENS?
REMEMBER LIGHT BULB LIGHT BULBS?

OKAY, L'IL LEMMINGS, I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS TO GIVE YOU. BUT BEFORE I DO, PROMISE ME YOU AREN'T GONNA GO JUMPING OFF A CLIFF TOGETHER.
UH, BEFORE YOU TALK ABOUT A TOPIC LIKE THAT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE A TRIGGER WARNING, YOU BIG IDIOT.
FINE... LISTEN UP OR I'LL SHOOT YOU.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT THAT MEANS.
OH, LOOK, THEY'RE JUMPING ANYWAY.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, THE BILL YOU GAVE ME HAS SUGGESTED TIPS OF 20%, 25% AND 30%.
YES. YOU JUST PICK WHICHEVER ONE OF THOSE TIPS YOU WANT.
OKAY, HERE'S MY TIP.
TIP
Please stop making me feel like the
cheap BASTARD I am.
WE'VE BEEN BANNED FROM ANOTHER RESTAURANT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M A KING RULING OVER HIS PEOPLE.
THEY'RE TOYS.
THEY'RE MY SUBJECTS.
RIGHT. SO WHAT'S NEXT? YOU GONNA GET A THRONE FROM WHICH YOU CAN RULE?
DID YOU ORDER A JUMPY CASTLE?
OH, LORD.
YOU CAN JUST CALL ME KING.

GREETINGS, LOYAL SUBJECTS. I UNDERSTAND THERE IS SOME GRUMBLING AMONGST YOU REGARDING THE STATE OF YOUR LIVES.
QUESTIONS ABOUT WHY I SPEND ALL YOUR TAXES ON WARS AND VERY LITTLE ON YOUR CITIES.
HOW I HAVE ONE STANDARD OF JUSTICE FOR STREET LEVEL DRUG DEALERS AND ANOTHER FOR PHARMACEUTICAL DRUG PUSHERS.
AND HOW I TAKE CASH AND GIFTS FROM LARGE DONORS, MANY OF WHOM THEN GET FAVORABLE TREATMENT... REST ASSURED THESE ARE ALL VALID CONCERNS.
HOLY GRAH! WHAT'S THAT CRAZY THING HAPPENING OVER THERE??
DISTRACTION IS THE KEY TO GOOD GOVERNANCE.

AW. A GOOD OLD LEMONADE STAND. I'LL TAKE A CUP.
THIS TASTES JUST LIKE WATER.
THE LEMON AND SUGAR ARE EXTRA.
I LEARNED IT FROM THE AIRLINES.

HEY, MAILMAN MOE. WE'VE GOT A LETTER WE NEED YOU TO MAIL. AND BE CAREFUL WITH IT.
FOOSH
WE SHOULD HAVE TIPPED HIM AT CHRISTMAS.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, CAN YOU PLEASE HELP ME UNRAVEL ONE OF THE MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE?
WHAT IS IT, MY SON?
HOW DOES ONE PRONOUNCE "S-P-O-K-A-N-E"?
IT'S EITHER "SPO-KAN," AS IN "SPOKEN WORD", "SPO-KANE," AS IN "CITIZEN KANE" OR "SPO-CAN," AS IN "I CAN NEVER REMEMBER HOW TO SAY THAT &@#$%†*! WORD."
SOME MYSTERIES CAN NEVER BE REVEALED.
CAN YOU ASK HIM HOW TO SAY GONZAGA?