Pearls Before Swine | Search

*COUGH* *COUGH*
I'M AFRAID WHAT YOU HAVE IS FAIRLY SERIOUS.
I'M REALLY SORRY. YOU'RE OUT OF SICK DAYS AND I JUST CAN'T KEEP YOU.
YOUR RENT'S PAST DUE. I GOTTA KICK YOU OUT.
HEY, MAN, ANY CHANCE I CAN STAY WITH YOU?
SORRY, I'M IN A STUDIO APARTMENT THAT ALREADY HAS FOUR PEOPLE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'VE LIVED A SUCCESSFUL LIFE?
DID YOU EAT A LOT OF GOOD ITALIAN FOOD?
I DID.
THEN CONGRATULATIONS. YOU LED A SUCCESSFUL LIFE.
LIFE IS EASIER THAN YOU'D THINK.

IF YOU'RE JAILED FOR A FELONY, CAN YOU VOTE FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?
IN MOST STATES, NO.
CAN YOU BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES?
YES.
KABOOM
SOME FACTS CAN MAKE THE MIND EXPLODE.

BEWARE OF
DOGS
-DANGEROUS-
BEWARE OF
DOGS
-DANGEROUS-
BEWARE OF
PEOPLE WHO MISTREAT
DOGS
AND MAKE THEM
"DANGEROUS."
SOME SIGNS SHOULD BE
A LOT MORE SPECIFIC.

HEY, RAT, I SEE YOU'RE CROSSING OFF DAYS ON THE CALENDAR. WHAT ARE YOU COUNTING DOWN TOWARD? A GOAL? A VACATION?
THE GREAT DIRT NAP O' NOTHINGNESS.
WELL, THIS HAS BEEN A CHEERY TALK.
I GUESS IT'S A FORM OF VACATION.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
I'M GIVING OUT CERTIFICATES OF ACHIEVEMENT TO EVERYONE.
FOR WHAT?
JUST MAKING IT THROUGH ANOTHER DAY.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU DID IT!
SOMETIMES THE SMALLEST ACHIEVEMENTS ARE THE BIGGEST.

Exercise Goals
for the Weak
I THINK YOU MEAN 'WEEK.'
MAYBE DO
HALF A SIT-UP
IF I CAN AND
FEEL LIKE IT.
NEVER MIND.

HEY, MA. HOW HAVE YOU—
RRRRING
HELLO?
HELLO. WE'RE
CALLING TO TELL YOU
ABOUT AN EXCITING
OPPORTUNITY TO
PURCHASE SOLAR—
TELEMARKETER:
RRRRING
ANYHOW, MOM, HOW HAVE—
HELLO?
HELLO. YOUR
SOCIAL SECURITY
NUMBER HAS BEEN
COMPROMISED...
TELEMARKETER:
SO AS I WAS SAYING—
RRRRING
HELLO?
HELLO. YOUR
CAR WARRANTY
HAS EXPIRED.
TO RENEW—
TELEMARKETER:
IS THIS WHAT
I HAVE TO
LOOK FORWARD
TO WHEN I'M
OLDER?
IF ONLY
MY KIDS
CALLED
ME THIS
MUCH.

WHAT'S THAT THING, GOAT?
BASEBALL SCORECARD. I LIKE TO SCORE GAMES AS I WATCH THEM.
DON'T...GLORIFY...NAZIS...
'SS' STANDS FOR 'SHORTSTOP.'
BASEBALL IS SO CONFUSING.

HEY, MR. MAYOR. I NEED YOU TO PRIORITIZE FIXING ALL THE POTHOLES ON MY BLOCK.
I CAN'T TAKE THAT. YOU'VE WRITTEN "BRIBE" ON THE SIDE.
OH, SORRY.
CONSIDER IT DONE.
DEMOCRACY IS THE GREATEST.

I PETTED THE CUTEST DOG TODAY.
REALLY? I CAN REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE SO AFRAID OF DOGS YOU AVOID GOING TO PEOPLE'S HOMES IF THEY HAD ONE.
NOT ANYMORE. I LOVE DOGS. THEY'RE KIND AND LOYAL AND AFFECTIONATE.
THAT'S GREAT. MAYBE NOW YOU CAN BE MORE SOCIAL.
NOPE.
NOW I AVOID PEOPLE.
OOOH, THEY ARE SCARY.

I FINALLY GOT SPIRITUAL REASSURANCE THAT THERE'S SOMETHING BETTER AFTER THIS LIFE.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?
BECAUSE I BETTER NOT HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS @#!*% FOR NOTHING!
THAT'S ALMOST SPIRITUAL.
SERIOUSLY. I'LL BE REALLY MIFFED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M WORRIED ABOUT GOING INTO THE SEA BECAUSE OF SHARKS.
RAT, DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE SHARKS KILL IN THE ENTIRE WORLD EACH YEAR?
NO.
TEN. AND YET WE KILL 100,000,000 SHARKS EACH YEAR. WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
THAT WE SHOULD HAVE KILLED TEN MORE SHARKS.
HOPE THEY EAT YOU.

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT WE'RE CONDEMNED TO LIVE THE SAME LIFE OVER AND OVER UNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT.
AAAAAAAUGGHHHHH!
SOME THOUGHTS ARE TOO BIG TO CONTEMPLATE.
HAVEN'T I DONE THIS ONE ENOUGH?

BRUSH BRUSH BRUSH
PTUI
AHHH
WELL, GOODNIGHT, RAT. I'M OFF TO BED.
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE DIDN'T FLOSS.
MY DENTIST IS A TAD BIT AGGRESSIVE.

The best things in life aren't things.
They're expensive things.
NOT HOW THAT WORKS.

YOU MUST NOT HAVE THE RIGHT THINGS.

WHY I CAN'T MAINTAIN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
1) I'M NOT RESPONSIBLE.
2) I LOSE EVERYTHING OF VALUE IN MY LIFE.
3) THEY EVENTUALLY LOSE THEIR OOMPH.
WHY I CAN'T OWN APPLE AIRPODS
DIFFERENT LIST.
SAME RESULT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHILOSOPHY BY WHICH YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE? SOME SET OF BELIEFS YOU'VE PICKED UP OVER YOUR LIFETIME?
DON'T JUDGE. DON'T BRAG. DON'T WORRY. AND GREET EVERYONE YOU KNOW LIKE IT'S THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE SEEN THEM IN TEN YEARS.
WHERE'D YOU LEARN ALL THAT?
MY DOG.
THEY MAY BE GURUS.
IF SHE FOUNDS A CHURCH, I'LL JOIN IT.

THANKS FOR APPLYING FOR A JOB AT OUR CABLE NEWS STATION. AS YOU MAY KNOW, OUR MISSION HERE IS TO KEEP OUR VIEWERS ---
AFRAID.
INFORMED.
I WAS SO CLOSE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, IS IT WRONG TO CRITICIZE OTHERS?
THE CRITICISMS YOU LEVEL MOST AGAINST OTHERS ARE OFTEN THE THINGS YOU HATE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF.
ARGGH
HE'S AN UNPREDICTABLE HOTHEAD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING PIG?
RUNNING FROM ALL MY PROBLEMS.
whooooosh
IT DOES HAVE A CERTAIN APPEAL.

HEY THERE, PIG, WANT TO HAVE A BEER WITH ME AND MY BUDDIES?
SURE, NEIGHBOR BOB. WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO TODAY?
WENT FISHING. I HOOKED A HUGE ONE. IT ALMOST PULLED THE ROD OUTTA MY HANDS. HAD TO FIGHT HIM FOR A HALF HOUR.
HE JUST KEPT SPRINGING OUT OF THE WATER AND TAKING LINE. I FINALLY GOT HIM CLOSE ENOUGH TO THE BOAT TO NET HIM.
TOOK TWO OF US JUST TO LIFT HIM UP FOR THE PHOTO. IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING OUTDOOR EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE.
HOW'D THE FISH FEEL?
THEY TOOK BACK MY BEER.

WELL, TIME TO CHECK THE OL' TWITTER FEED.
I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE. BROUGHT ME DOWN TOO MUCH.
NOT ME. I ADDED A FILTER THAT TAKES OUT ALL TWEETS THAT ARE NEGATIVE OR INSULTING.
REALLY? HOW IS IT?
THERE ARE NO TWEETS LEFT.
BUT THE BLANK SCREEN IS REFRESHING.

DO YOU EVER THINK YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME ONLINE AND IT SKEWS YOUR PERSPECTIVE?
NOT AT ALL.
THOUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN AFFECTED BY THE ELECTROMAGNETIC WAVES EMITTED BY BILL GATES' ARMY OF BANKERS HIDING IN THE CENTER OF OUR HOLLOW EARTH.
POOR SUCKER.

THIS BOOK I'M READING SAYS YOU SHOULD TRY TO DO ONE NICE THING A DAY.
I DO. LATELY, I'VE BEEN GOING TO THE CAFE AND BUYING THE DRINK OF WHOEVER'S BEHIND ME IN LINE.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT ABOUT YOU, RAT?
I TRY TO STAND BEHIND HIM IN LINE.
I SAID NICE.
YOU DIDN'T SAY FOR WHO.