Pearls Before Swine | Search

WISE ASS ON THE HILL
OH, GREAT WISE ASS...WHAT'S YOUR ONE SINGLE PIECE OF ADVICE THAT CAN BEST TURN A LIFE AROUND?
THAT THOSE WHO CLIMB UP A MOUNTAIN SEEKING ONE PIECE OF ADVICE TO TURN THEIR LIFE AROUND ARE PROBABLY NEVER GONNA TURN THEIR LIFE AROUND.
AT LEAST I GOT IN SOME GOOD CARDIO.

HEY, PIG. I PROOF-READ YOUR STORY LIKE YOU ASKED AND I HAVE A COUPLE QUESTIONS.
FIRE AWAY.
ARE YOU AWARE OF THE EXPRESSIONS "THE HORSE HAS LEFT THE BARN" AND "YOU CAN'T PUT THE TOOTHPASTE BACK IN THE TUBE"?
YEAH, WHY?
BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUCH EXPRESSION AS "YOU CAN'T PUT THE HORSE BACK IN THE TOOTHPASTE."
I SOMETIMES MIX METAPHORS.
YOU DON'T SAY.

I HEARD THE GREATEST COUNTRY MUSIC SONG AT A BAR LAST NIGHT, BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE TITLE.
TELL ME WHAT IT'S ABOUT, AND I'LL GOOGLE IT.
IT'S ABOUT THIS GUY WITH A PICKUP TRUCK AND A CHEATING SPOUSE.
OH, GOOD... YOU'VE NARROWED IT DOWN TO NINE MILLION SONGS.
OH, AND SOMEBODY DROWNS THEIR SORROWS.
SOMEHOW THAT DIDN'T HELP.

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH, I JUST VOTED IN THE BOOTH OVER THERE, AND IN THE BOOTH NEXT TO MINE WAS A GUY I KNOW WHO IS VERY, VERY STUPID.
SO?
SO I'M JUST CONFIRMING THAT HIS VOTE DOESN'T COUNT THE SAME AS MINE.
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS ABOUT OUR DEMOCRACY.

HI, MY NAME IS RON. I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE.
YOU ARE?
YES. I'M A CANDIDATE.
INTERESTING WORD AS YOU PEOPLE ARE NEVER CANDID AND ARE THE LAST PEOPLE I'D DATE.
WE DO NEED A NEW WORD.
IS "OPPORTUNISTIC WEASEL" ONE WORD OR TWO?

WELL, RAT, I GOT BACK THE RESULTS OF YOUR PHYSICAL, AND WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO MAKE CHANGES TO YOUR DIET.
OKAY, MIND IF I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT?
SURE.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A DIET OF RED MEAT IS BAD FOR YOU?
YES.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A DIET OF RED MEAT IS GOOD FOR YOU?
YES.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A DIET OF CARBS IS GOOD FOR YOU?
YES.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A DIET OF CARBS IS BAD FOR YOU?
YES.
IS IT POSSIBLE THAT...
...NONE OF US KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING AND YOU SHOULD ALL JUST ENJOY YOUR LIVES?
YES!
THEN HE TOOK ME OUT FOR FRIED CHICKEN AND DONUTS.

WHY ARE WE ON A CLOUD?
OUR CARTOONIST, STEPHAN PASTIS, ALWAYS DRAWS US BEHIND A WALL OR AT A DINER, AND HE NEEDED A NEW BACKGROUND.
BUT WHY A CLOUD? ARE WE DEAD?
NO.
IT'S ONE OF THE FEW THINGS HE CAN DRAW...
YOU SAD, LITTLE FRAUD.
MAYBE YOU BEING DEAD IS A GOOD IDEA.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, AFTER MUCH SOUL-SEARCHING, I'VE MADE A LIST OF THE THREE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE. BUT I'D LIKE YOUR INPUT.
FIRST, LOVE.
SECOND, MERCY.
THIRD, FORGIVENESS.
THESE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS.
THOUGHT THERE'D BE MORE OVERLAP.

TRICK OR TREAT, NEIGHBOR BOB!
HEY, RAT. WHO ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO BE?
WHO DO YOU THINK?
I ASSUME THAT GUY FROM THE EDVARD MUNCH PAINTING, "THE SCREAM."
NO. YOU IF YOUR CANDIDATE DOESN'T WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
HE CRIED AND TURNED OFF THE PORCHLIGHT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, RAT?
HAPPY BEEROWEEN! IT’S A NEW HOLIDAY I CREATED FOR OCTOBER 30TH IN WHICH ADULTS GO DOOR-TO-DOOR ASKING FOR FREE BEER TO BE POURED INTO THEIR MUG-SHAPED RECEPTACLE.
SLAM
BEEROWEEN IS NOT THE CRITICAL SUCCESS I ENVISIONED.

HEY, I'M HERE TO VOTE.
SURE, BUT BEFORE YOU DO, QUICK QUESTION... HOW MANY BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT CAN YOU NAME?
DON'T KNOW. DON'T CARE.
OKAY. NO PROBLEM. HERE'S YOUR BALLOT. YOUR VOTING BOOTH IS THAT PORTA-POTTY AROUND THE CORNER.
JUST PROP YOUR COMPLETED BALLOT DOWN THE HOLE.
I'M DOING MY PART FOR DEMOCRACY.

GRANDPA'S LAST DAY
OH, GRANDPA… WE'RE SO SAD TO SEE YOU GO… DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY?
I WISH I'D SPENT MORE TIME AMASSING LOOT AND LESS TIME WITH MY FAMILY.
ACK
MUST SOMETIMES HAPPEN.
DEPENDS ON THE FAMILY.

TAP TAP TAP
PIG'S MAGIC BUTTON TO PUSH AND MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY
PIG'S MAGIC BUTTON TO PUSH AND MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY
KATHUNK
IT'S A BLOCK OF CHEESE.
THE BEST LIFE CAN DO.
IS THERE LIQUOR UP THERE?

THANKS FOR CALLING ACME BANK. FOR VERIFICATION PURPOSES, CAN I GET YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME?
I CAN'T REMEMBER, BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I'M NOT A CRIMINAL!!
I PANIC WHEN INTERROGATED.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO PUTTING YOUR LIFE ON THE RIGHT TRACK?
ASKING YOURSELF THIS ONE SIMPLE QUESTION... AM I TRULY LIVING OR MERELY EXISTING?
WHICH OF THOSE AM I DOING WHEN I JUST SIT AROUND EVERY DAY EATING NACHOS?
I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE WORST PART ABOUT LIVING IN AMERICA?
THAT YOU CAN BE TRIED FOR A CRIME BY A JURY OF YOUR PEERS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
I HAVE NO PEERS.
I ALWAYS FORGET.
NOW A JURY OF TWELVE MES WOULD BE FINE.

HOW DO YOU CONTROL THE AMOUNT OF TIME YOU SPEND ON SOCIAL MEDIA?
AFTER FIFTEEN MINUTES, I ASK MYSELF, HAS THIS MADE MY LIFE ANY HAPPIER?
IF THE ANSWER IS NO, I'M NOT ANY HAPPIER, THEN I PUT THE PHONE DOWN AND STOP LOOKING.
AND HOW OFTEN IS THE ANSWER NO?
EVERY SINGLE TIME.
AT LEAST YOU PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN.
I ACTUALLY KEEP RIGHT ON LOOKING.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY TO MY UNCLE FRANK!
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? I THOUGHT HE DIED.
HE DID. AND TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY. SO IT'S HIS HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY.
WE CONTINUE TO AGE IN HEAVEN?
NOT REALLY WHAT THAT MEANS.
I'LL HAVE A WALKER FOR ETERNITY!

WHATCHA DOING, NEIGHBOR BOB?
LOOKING FOR A JOB. HOW ABOUT YOU? DO YOU WORK FOR A LIVING?
I WORK FOR MONEY. I'M LIVING FOR GOOD FRIENDS AND FOOD AND MUSIC.
I CAN'T REALLY ARGUE.
WORKING FOR A LIVING SOUNDS SAD.

OCR failed to run. Please file an issue in https://github.com/dado3212/pearls-before-swine/issues/

THANKS FOR GOING ON THIS DATE WITH ME, SARA.
SURE, PIG. I ASSUME BY NOW YOU'VE LOOKED UP MY PROFILE AND STUFF ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
NO... THAT'S A BIT OF A CREEPY THING TO DO.
IT'S OKAY IF YOU DID. NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING CURIOUS.
ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I LOOKED UP YOUR EMPLOYMENT AND SAW THAT YOU'RE A CHEESEMONGER AND I'M JUST DATING YOU FOR THE CHEESE!!!
I HAVE A KINK FOR CHEESE.

DO YOU THINK PEOPLE CAN FLY?
NO, PIG, OF COURSE NOT.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE I'M A CRITICAL THINKER, AND I BELIEVE IN SCIENCE. AND WHEN IT COMES TO EXPLANATIONS, I LOOK FOR THE RATIONAL.
I LOOK FOR THE MAGICAL.
IT DOES HAVE ITS ADVANTAGES.

CHECK OUT THESE JOKES I WROTE.
I THINK I HEARD A STAND-UP COMIC SAY THIS ONE.
OH, YEAH, IT'S AN HOMAGE.
WHEN IS SOMETHING AN HOMAGE AND NOT JUST JOKE-STEALING?
WHEN YOU CALL IT AN HOMAGE.
I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM THAT GUY.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, SHARE SOME OF YOUR IMMENSE WISDOM WITH ME.
NOTHING IN LIFE IS EVER AS GOOD AS IT SEEMS.
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
WELL, ONE DAY YOU'RE ENJOYING A TASTY HANDFUL OF JELLY BEANS WHEN--WHAM--YOU BITE INTO A BUTTERED POPCORN ONE AND SUDDENLY YOUR WHOLE DAY IS RUINED.
I ACTUALLY LIKE THE BUTTERED POPCORN ONES.
WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS.

I'VE JUST COME UP WITH THE SOLUTION TO ALL OUR NATION'S PROBLEMS.
IT'S A DRAWING OF AN ALLEY.
YEP.
WHAT'S AN ALLEY SUPPOSED TO DO?
THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GONNA SHOVE ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THE FAR LEFT AND THE FAR RIGHT AND LET THEM FIGHT IT OUT WITH STICKS SO THE REST OF US CAN GO BACK TO LIVING OUR LIVES IN PEACE.
WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER ALLEY.
AND HERE ARE THE REST OF US IN NORMALTOPIA.