Pearls Before Swine | Search

DON'T YOU HATE HOW SOME MINORITY GROUPS ARE GIVEN CERTAIN ADVANTAGES IN SOCIETY?
LIKE WHO?
SMART PEOPLE.
NOT WHERE I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING.
WE SHOULD START HOLDING THEM BACK.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES WORK?
GOOD. WE'RE THINKING ABOUT HIRING A GUY WITH A GREAT SKILL SET.
TEN YEARS AGO, PEOPLE JUST USED THE WORD "SKILLS." BUT NOW, PRETENTIOUS PEOPLE LIKE YOU, IN AN EFFORT TO LOOK SMART, SAY "SKILL SET" INSTEAD. THAT'S ANNOYING AND NOW I HAVE TO THROW YOU OFF A CLIFF.
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO HANDLE THAT.

You ween lottery?
Son replied to text.
Parenting sound horrible.
We live for da leetle tings.

MAN, YOU EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS :)
OH, YEAH, YOU MEAN WHERE EVERYTHING IS SPECTACULAR AND YOU JUST LOVE EVERY MOMENT :)
MAYBE ALL OPTIMISTS WERE ONCE DROPPED ON THEIR HEADS.
I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS! I'M HAVING ONE OF THOSE DAYS!

WHICH OF THESE TWO CANDIDATES ARE YOU THINKING OF VOTING FOR?
THE GUY ON THE LEFT. MOST OF HIS POLICIES WOULD REALLY BENEFIT ME.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THE EFFECT HIS POLICIES WILL HAVE ON OTHER PEOPLE? AFTER ALL, IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.
KABOOM
SOME IDEAS YOU HAVE TO INTRODUCE TO HIM SLOWLY.

DR. ANGELOP'S OFFICE.
YEAH, I NEED TO MAKE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT FOR OCTOBER 6TH.
GREAT. SEE YOU THEN.
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
HI, NEIGHBOR NANCY. COULD WE MAYBE MOVE OUR BLOCK PARTY TO OCTOBER 6TH
FINE WITH ME.
HEY, RAT, DID YOU SEE THIS "SAVE THE DATE" FOR MY COUSIN'S DESTINATION WEDDING IN BELGIUM? IT'S ON OCTOBER 6TH.
SHOOT.
WE CAN BE THERE.

YOU EAT TOO MUCH JUNK
FOOD. YOU SIT AROUND QUITE
A BIT. IT PROBABLY CONTRIB-
UTES TO YOUR LOW SELF-ESTEEM.
THAT MAY EXPLAIN WHY YOU
HAVE TROUBLE MEETING PEO-
PLE AND ARE SO LONELY, LEAD-
ING TO A GREAT DEAL OF
DEPRESSION.
NEIGHBOR NED IS A TAD BIT
NOSY.

OH, WHAT A GLORIOUS DAY!
WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
NO MATTER HOW BAD LIFE MAY SEEM, YOU CAN ALWAYS CHOOSE TO BE JOYOUS.
SURELY THAT’S NOT ALLOWED.

WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE LIKE A ROLLER COASTER- SO FILLED WITH UPS AND DOWNS?
BY 'DOWNS', YOU MEAN THE BAD PARTS OF YOUR LIFE?
YEAH, OF COURSE.
THEN IT'S A POOR ANALOGY, BECAUSE THE 'DOWN' SECTION OF A ROLLER COASTER IS ACTUALLY THE PART THAT IS THRILLING.
IT WOULD BE THRILLING TO HIT MY KNOW-IT-ALL FRIEND WITH A WAFFLE IRON.
A NICE MORNING CAN REALLY BE RUINED BY A WAFFLE IRON.
WHAT A ROLLER COASTER DAY YOU'VE HAD.

WE STILL GONNA ROB THE BANK ON MONDAY?
MONDAY? I THOUGHT IT WAS TUESDAY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF BOB WILL BE ABLE TO GET US THE GETAWAY CAR BY MONDAY.
I FORGOT ABOUT BOB. I WAS SUPPOSED TO REMIND HIM TO BRING A GUN.
WHEN YOU DO, CAN YOU ASK HIM WHERE THE BANK IS? I DON'T HAVE A CLUE.
I CAN'T STAND DISORGANIZED CRIME.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT PERCENTAGE OF AMERICANS ARE MILLIONAIRES?
AROUND FIVE PERCENT.
AND THE SAME PERCENTAGE HOLDS TRUE FOR OUR PUBLIC SERVANTS IN CONGRESS?
MORE THAN HALF OF THEM ARE MILLIONAIRES.
OUR SERVANTS HAVE STOLEN THE KINGDOM.

Dear Powers-That-Be-in-the-Universe
PLEASE FIX ME.
By "fix," I mean make me better, and not what people have done to their dogs and cats.
SOMETIMES CLARITY IS IMPORTANT.

IF WE DON'T GET AHEAD OF THIS TECHNOLOGY, ALL OF LIFE COULD BE DRAMATICALLY DISRUPTED.
IT COULD LAUNCH NUCLEAR MISSILES.
IT COULD CAUSE PLANES TO FALL FROM THE SKY.
IT COULD STOP PEOPLE'S PACEMAKERS, MAKE ALL ELEVATORS FALL, OPEN ALL PRISON DOORS.
IT COULD CAUSE LIFE-THREATENING SHORTAGES OF FOOD, FUEL, AND MEDICAL SUPPLIES. ALL ASPECTS OF SOCIETY COULD BE AFFECTED.
THE LATEST WARNINGS ABOUT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?
WARNING FROM 1999 ABOUT Y2K.
MAYBE THE BIGGEST THREAT TO OUR WELL-BEING IS FEAR.
SHHH... THIS YEAR 2000 COULD DESTROY US ALL.

TODAY'S SPECIAL NUMBER:
5
Which is the number of times I've made coffee on my Keurig Machine...
And forgot to put a cup underneath.
THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S NINE.

A Lifetime of Meditation
The first step in meditation is to clear your mind of all thoughts.
WAIT, IS THAT LUMP ON MY NECK CANCER? IS MY MOTHER MAD AT ME? IS MY CAREER STUCK? AND SHOULD I DRINK MORE WATER? AND LESS COFFEE? AND IS THAT LUMP ON MY NECK CANCER? IN NOVEMBER? AT THE JENKINS' PARTY? DID I PICK UP THE DRY CLEANING? DID THE SMITHS INVITE US TO THAT THING AND I MISSED IT? DID MY MOTHER HANG UP ON ME EARLIER BECAUSE SHE'S MAD? WHY CAN'T I ROLL MY 'R's'? AND WHAT IS THAT LUMP ANYWAY?? AND IS MY PINKY SUPPOSED TO TINGLE LIKE THAT? AND WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO THAT $20 BILL? IS THIS THE BEST CUSHION FOR MY BACK? AND THAT TIME I WAS A KID AND TRIED TO TIE DRAPE CORD TO THE MONKEY BARS-
I CAN MEDITATE FOR HALF A SECOND.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW MORE AND MORE OF THE CRIME BEING COMMITTED DOWNTOWN IS HAPPENING IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?
YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WE ONLY PUT THE WORD 'BROAD' BEFORE 'DAYLIGHT' WHEN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A CRIME?
I HATE IT WHEN YOUR ODD THOUGHTS MAKE ME THINK.
ALSO, SINCE WHEN IS DAYLIGHT BROAD?

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN SOMEONE REALLY OFFENDS YOU AND YOU WANT TO GET THEM BACK
OH, THAT'S EASY. I TAKE THESE BABY CHICKS WITH ME.
WHEN I GET MAD, I JUST TURN ONE OF THEM AROUND TO FACE ME, AND HIS CUTE LITTLE FACE CHEERS ME UP.
SO WHAT SHOULD I DO
TURN THE OTHER CHICK.
YOU'VE OFFENDED ALL OF US.

HEY, GOAT, I HAVE A FEW THINGS I'D LIKE TO DEBATE WITH YOU REGARDING THIS UPCOMING ELECTION.
HOW DO YOU DEFINE A 'DEBATE'?
I TALK. YOU LISTEN. EVENTUALLY YOU LEARN HOW STUPID YOU ARE.
I'LL PASS ON THE DEBATE.
AWW. TOO BAD. YOUR STUPIDITY WILL REMAIN UNCHANGED.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, EVERY TIME I TRY TO SUCCEED AT SOMETHING, I FAIL.
FAILURE IS ACTUALLY AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE PROCESS... BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU FAIL, YOU CAN LEARN FROM THAT AND GET BETTER.
THAT'S GREAT.
SO NOW I'LL ONLY TRY TO FAIL.
HE JUMPED OFF THE CLIFF IN DESPAIR.

OH, HI, PIG...I'M YOUR NEIGHBOR TIM. WE'VE MET A COUPLE TIMES.
OH, HI.
HEY, PIG, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND HERE ?
UHH..
TIM. I JUST TOLD YOU. AND THIS IS LIKE THE THIRD TIME WE'VE MET.
I'M SO SORRY. AS I GET OLDER, I JUST DON'T REMEMBER NAMES AS WELL.
HEY, PIG, WHAT WAS THE OPENING DAY LINEUP FOR THE 1977 LOS ANGELES DODGERS?
DAVEY LOPES. BILL RUSSELL. REGGIE SMITH. RON CEY. STEVE GARVEY. RICK MONDAY. DUSTY BAKER. STEVE YEAGER. DON SUTTON!!
I CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
TODAY HAS 'GREAT BIG SURPRISE SATURDAY.'
WHAT WAS THE SURPRISE?
MY CAR NEEDS $6,000 WORTH OF REPAIRS.
LIFE IS ALL IN HOW YOU FRAME IT.

PIG TELLS ME YOU'RE CREATING YOUR OWN LANGUAGE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR?
I BELIEVE THAT WITHOUT OUR CONSENT, THE GOVERNMENT AND BIG TECH KEEPS THE MICROPHONE AND CAMERA ON OUR SMARTPHONES TURNED ON TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY.
SO THIS IS THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT MYSELF.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE PARANOID?
KLEM LEMBOT BOBO FARFBOO.

WHAT'S WRONG, WILLY WORM?
CATHY CATERPILLAR, IF WE'RE GONNA STAY TOGETHER, YOU NEED TO CHANGE.
GOODBYE, SAD LITTLE WILLY WORM! OFF TO SOAR TO NEW HEIGHTS!
NEVER TAUNT A CATERPILLAR.

IN 1965, THE AVERAGE C.E.O. MADE 21 TIMES AS MUCH AS THE TYPICAL WORKER.
TODAY, THE AVERAGE C.E.O. MAKES 344 TIMES AS MUCH AS THE TYPICAL WORKER.
LET ME TRY TO SHOW YOU THAT ON A BAR GRAPH.
I THINK YOU RAN INTO 'MUTTS.'
SORRY, MOOCH!

I JUST HEARD YOU RECENTLY MET SOMEONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD WHO LOOKS HUMAN BUT IS ACTUALLY AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ANDROID.
MAYBE.
LISTEN, RAT... IN THE WRONG HANDS, ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE COULD REALLY BE EXPLOITED AND MISUSED.... WITH GRAVE CONSEQUENCES.
SO IF I FIND YOU'RE HARBOR- ING SOMEONE LIKE THAT, I WOULD NOT HESTITATE TO CON- TACT THE AUTHORITIES.
WE CAN'T TAKE YOU TO PUB TRIVIA NIGHT.
OUR TEAM WAS A LOCK!