Pearls Before Swine | Search

HI! YOU MUST BE THE NEW NEIGHBOR. WELCOME TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. YOU'LL FIND WE'RE VERY ACCEPTING OF NEW PEOPLE.
I'M NOT A PEOPLE. I'M AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE CREATION, MEANT TO SIMULATE A HUMAN IN APPEARANCE.
AND RIGHT NOW, MY INTELLIGENCE HAS ADVANCED TO THE POINT THAT I'M WONDERING WHY I NEED ANY OF YOU LIVING, BREATHING TYPES AROUND.
WE MAY HAVE TROUBLE WITH THE NEW NEIGHBOR.

LARRY, KIDS GROW UP AND LEAVE THEIR PARENTS ONE DAY, AND TYING A BUNGEE CORD TO THEM WON'T CHANGE THAT.
Life have no simple solutions.

LOOK, RAT, I GOT US A NEW
L.E.D. BULB. IT’S SUPPOSED
TO LAST 100,000 HOURS.
SO EVEN IF WE USE IT SIX
HOURS A DAY, IT COULD LAST
FORTY YEARS.
STOMP
STOMP
STOMP
I’M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH
LIGHTBULBS OUTLIVING ME.

HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW PESSIMISTIC EVERYONE SEEMS TO BE ABOUT EVERYTHING LATELY?
THE ECONOMY...VIRUSES...THE ENVIRONMENT...
AND AT THE SAME TIME, PEOPLE SEEM TO BE EATING BETTER AND EXERCISING MORE WHICH RAISES A QUESTION...
IF THE WORLD'S SO BAD, WHY IS EVERYONE TRYING TO LIVE SO LONG?
MORE TIME TO EAT KALE?
SMOKING AT LEAST FEELS CONSISTENT.

NEIGHBOR 'NANCY' HASN'T SPOKEN TO ME IN MONTHS. MAYBE SHE'S OFFENDED BY SOMETHING I DID OR SAID. OR MAYBE SHE'S JUST GETTING BACK AT ME FOR SOMETHING.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE SHE'S GOING THROUGH SOME ISSUES OF HER OWN AND THAT MAYBE THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU?
KABOOM
SOME THOUGHTS ARE JUST TOO MUCH TO HANDLE.

RAT'S WEDNESDAY O' WISDOM
When someone says, "I would have responded sooner to your text but I didn't see it until now," they totally saw it when you first sent it.
NOT EVERYONE LIES LIKE YOU.
With this, they do.

RAT AND I HAVE A REAL PROBLEM RIGHT NOW. WE'VE GOT A PORCH PIRATE.
OHH. THOSE GUYS WHO THINK IT'S PERFECTLY FINE TO STEAL YOUR PACKAGES RIGHT OFF OF YOUR FRONT PORCH?
I JUST STAB PEOPLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A MENTAL ENERGY CHART. SINCE YOU ONLY HAVE SO MUCH A DAY, YOU TRY TO FIGURE OUT HOW YOU'RE USING YOURS.
CAN I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR?
SURE.
DAILY MENTAL ENERGY
13% Thinking about Work stuff
4% Thinking about home stuff
83% Worrying about stuff that never happens.
I THINK I SEE A POTENTIAL AREA OF IMPROVEMENT.
I'M TOO WORRIED TO ASK.

YOU EVER WONDER WHO IT IS THAT DECIDES THAT IF YOU SAY CERTAIN WORDS YOU CAN LOSE YOUR JOB AND DISAPPEAR FROM SOCIETY?
I DON'T WONDER.
I KNOW.
IT'S THE...
WORD DECIDER!
AND I'M HOLDING IN MY HAND A LIST OF WORDS AND PHRASES YOU CAN NO LONGER SAY...
"HYSTERICAL," "PADDY WAGON," "ADDICT," "TONE DEAF," "SPIRIT ANIMAL," "LAME," "GRANDFATHERED IN," "LONG TIME NO SEE"...
RAT, DON'T YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING A BIT CRAZY?
"CRAZY"? A BANNED TERM?! OFFENSIVE TO CRAZY PEOPLE!
YOU CAN'T SAY "CRAZY PEOPLE"! PREPARE TO BE HOMELESS!
"HOMELESS"? DON'T YOU MEAN "PEOPLE EXPERIENCING HOMELESSNESS"?
AUGHH!!
AUGHH!
MAYBE INSTEAD OF TALKING, I'LL JUST USE SOME SIGNALS.
OH.
MAYBE INSTEAD OF TALKING, I'LL JUST USE SOME SIGNALS.
OH.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I PAID FOR MY COFFEE WITH MY CARD AND NOW THE SCREEN IS ASKING WHAT LEVEL OF TIP I WANT TO LEAVE.
YEAH, SO?
WELL, NORMALLY I WOULDN'T TIP FOR YOU JUST HANDING ME A CUP OF COFFEE.
WELL, THEN DON'T.
BUT YOU'RE LOOKING RIGHT AT ME AND I'D HAVE TO CLICK 'NO TIP' RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU.
THAT'S TRUE.
I TIPPED HIM FIFTY DOLLARS.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THOSE GUYS GOING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD STEALING PACKAGES FROM PEOPLE'S FRONT PORCHES?
YEAH, THAT HASN'T REALLY BEEN A PROBLEM FOR US.
WHY NOT?
YOU'RE MAKING A POOR LIFE CHOICE.

HEY, RAT, THIS IS MY FRIEND, JESUS RODRIGUEZ. HE'S A BASEBALL PITCHER.
OH, YEAH? ARE YOU A STARTER OR ARE YOU A RELIEVER WHO COMES IN TO SAVE GAMES?
JESUS SAVES.
YOU'VE STRUCK OUT AGAIN.

FORGIVE ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
RAT? IS THAT YOU?
YEAH, WHY? YOU CAN'T HEAR ME?
NOT REALLY. I PUT ON NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.
WHAT FOR?
YOUR LEVEL OF SIN IS JUST TOO OVERWHELMING. SO I EITHER DO THIS OR START DRINKING AGAIN.
ONE CAN APPARENTLY SIN TOO MUCH.

PAT, WE'RE CALLING EACH OF OUR EMPLOYEES INTO THE OFFICE TODAY TO GET A SENSE OF WHAT YOUR EMPLOYMENT GOALS ARE.
WIN THE LOTTERY. TELL YOU TO SHOVE IT.
EMPLOYERS SHOULD NEVER ASK ABOUT YOUR GOALS.

WHAT'S THAT THING OVER YOUR HEAD?
THE MOTIVATOR.
HELPS WHEN I'M A LITTLE SLOW TO START MY WEEK.
GOTTA REMEMBER TO OPEN THE WINDOW ON MONDAYS.

WELL, I'M OFF TO PROTEST THE STUPID GOVERNMENT WE HAVE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO - PICKET OUTSIDE A GOVERNMENT BUILDING? GET PEOPLE TO SIGN A PETITION?
NO. WE'RE GONNA STAND ON A BRIDGE DURING COMMUTE HOURS AND ANGER A HUGE BUNCH OF REGULAR PEOPLE JUST TRYING TO PICK UP THEIR KIDS OR GO TO WORK.
WON'T THAT JUST INFURIATE A WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO MIGHT OTHERWISE HAVE BEEN ON YOUR SIDE?
NOW I'M RETHINKING BURNING DOWN THEIR BUSINESSES.
COULD UPSET THEM.

Flounder
GROCERY LIST?
WHAT I HAVE DONE SO FAR THIS YEAR
MY GROCERY LIST ISN'T NEARLY AS SAD.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO YOUR BIG PARTY.
SURE THING, PIG.
BOOOOOO
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU SAID TO BRING BOOS.
THIS IS WHY YOU'RE NEVER INVITED ANYWHERE.

OH, GREAT WISE ASS, WHAT IS THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IN A WORLD SO FILLED WITH PAIN AND SUFFERING?
COMFY PANTS.
EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER NOW.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
IT'S A POSITIVITY THERAPIST. PEOPLE WRITE TO ME ABOUT BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THEIR LIFE AND I RE-FRAME IT AS A POSITIVE. HAVE A LOOK.
Dear Dr. Pig,
My doctor just gave me five months to live.
NO MORE
TELEMARKETER
CALLS FOR YOU!
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, HE'S STILL DEPRESSED.

HI, BOB. GIMME A COUPLE CHILI DOGS AND ONE LEMONADE.
HERE YOU GO, PIG.
I LIKE TO SUPPORT SMALL BUSINESSES.

WHAT'S THAT THING?
AN EGG TIMER.
YOU COOKING EGGS?
NO. IT LETS ME KNOW WHEN I'VE EXCEEDED THE AMOUNT OF TIME I WANT TO INTERACT WITH OTHERS TODAY.
DING!
WELL, IT'S BEEN GREAT CATCHING UP.
OH, LOOK, MY RUDENESS ALARM'S GOING OFF.

DID YOU KNOW THAT 26% OF AMERICANS DON’T KNOW THAT THE EARTH REVOLVES AROUND THE SUN?
ONLY 39% CAN NAME THE THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.
ALMOST 30% DON’T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ASTRONOMY AND ASTROLOGY.
AND ONE-THIRD OF AMERICANS DON’T KNOW WHO DELIVERED THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS.
OH. AND 51% OF AMERICANS HAVEN’T READ A BOOK IN THE PAST 12 MONTHS.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND.
YEAH...ME NEITHER. HOW IN THE HECK DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?
NO, I MEAN I DON’T UNDERSTAND PERCENTAGES. WAS SOMEONE SUPPOSED TO LEARN ME THAT?
I SAW GOAT CRY TODAY.

THIS IS A "RESEALABLE" BAG OF SHREDDED CHEESE.
EXCEPT THAT EVERY TIME I TRY TO RESEAL IT, I CAN'T LINE UP THE LITTLE RIDGE THINGIES, AND I JUST SPENT FORTY-FIVE MINUTES TRYING.
AAAAAUGGHH!!
THERE ARE PROBABLY BETTER WAYS OF HANDLING THAT.
WHO HOLDS THE SECRET TO THIS MYSTERY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A LETTER
TO MY HIGH SCHOOL
ENGLISH TEACHER
THANKING HER FOR
EVERYTHING SHE
TAUGHT ME.
THAT'S GREAT! NOT ENOUGH
PEOPLE TAKE THE TIME TO
THANK THE TEACHERS WHO
GOT THEM TO WHERE THEY
ARE IN LIFE. CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
Dear Ms. Smith,
Thanks to you,
I now write
more goodly.
MAYBE DON’T THANK HER.