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OKAY. WE'VE GOT MOTHER'S DAY, FATHER'S DAY, BLACK HISTORY MONTH, GRANDMOTHER'S DAY, EARTH DAY, HISPANIC HERITAGE MONTH, SECRETARY'S DAY AND WOMEN'S HISTORY MONTH.
SO-?
SO IS THERE ONE PERSON, THING OR GROUP THAT DOESN'T YET HAVE ITS OWN SPECIAL DAY ON THE CALENDAR?
I DON'T KNOW.
IS THERE?
GARBANZO BEANS.
GOODBYE.
FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7th IS GARBANZO BEAN DAY!!
ONLY FOUR DAYS TO BUY A CARD!

CAMILLE STOOD ON THE WIND-SWEPT CLIFF, THE NIGHT'S STARS THE ONLY WITNESS TO HER LONELY PLIGHT.
ONE YEAR HAD PASSED SINCE HER LOVER BOARDED THE TRAIN FOR THE WAR.
ONE YEAR OF TEARS AND LONG NIGHTS AND DESPERATE LETTERS.
BUT AS THE SEPARATION GREW, SO DID THE TIME BETWEEN HIS LETTERS, EACH LESS PASSIONATE THAN THE LAST.
NOW, ON THE THRESHOLD OF THE REUNION TO WHICH THEY HAD BOTH COUNTED DOWN THE MINUTES, SHE STOOD UNCERTAIN THAT HE WOULD RETURN TO HER AT ALL.
AND THEN, AT THE HOUR OF THE DARKEST NIGHT OF THE SOUL, A SILHOUETTED FIGURE.
AN ARMY UNIFORM.
A FAMILIAR GAIT.
AND A SMILE ILLUMINATED BY THE STARS.
AND A JOYOUS CALL FROM CAMILLE TO HER LOVE.
SEE, I THINK THE MAN NEEDS A DIFFERENT BRAND.
BEAN DIP!
MARRIAGES ARE SOOOO HARD.
CALL THE CHICK-FRITOS. THEN YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING.

HEY, STEPH, WHATCHA READING?
'POGO' BY WALT KELLY… HE WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST CARTOONISTS EVER.
OHH… EVEN I KNOW HIM… HE'S THE GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THAT FAMOUS QUOTE… 'WE HAVE MET THE ENEMY AND HE IS… GUS!'
'US.'
OH… ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT HE HAD AGAINST THAT GUS GUY.

HEY... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU'RE NOT OVERWEIGHT ANYMORE.
YUP. I LOST THE POUNDS. NOW I JUST HAVE TO FINISH THIS BIG BOOK ON HOW I DID IT AND I'LL BE RICH, RICH, RICH.
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE WRITING NOW?
YEAH… IT'S A THREE HUNDRED PAGE MASTERPIECE CONTAINING ALL MY WEIGHT-LOSS SECRETS. HAVE A LOOK...
I ate less.
I PLAN ON USING A VERY LARGE FONT.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
A ROMANCE NOVEL. BUT I'M STRUGGLING WITH THE MAIN CHARACTERS' NAMES. SO FAR ALL I HAVE IS THE WOMAN'S NAME... JULIET.
WELL, JULIET'S A GREAT NAME. HEARKENS BACK TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ROMANCE OF ALL TIME, "ROMEO AND JULIET" BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE... WHAT'S THE MAN'S NAME?
"BEAN DIP."
REALLY KILLS SOME OF THE INTIMATE SCENES.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I GOT FAT.
WHY?
TO GET RICH...SEE, IF YOU'RE FAMOUS AND YOU GET FAT, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET UNFAT AND PEOPLE WILL PAY YOU MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO WRITE A BOOK REVEALING HOW YOU DE-FATTIFIED.
MAYBE YOU COULD START BY USING REAL WORDS.
SHUT UP AND BOOK ME ON 'ELLEN.'
MORE CHEESE-COVERED FRIED 'TWINKIES,' SIR?

HEY, IT LOOKS LIKE THE MACARTHUR FOUNDATION GAVE OUT ITS ANNUAL GENIUS GRANTS, THOSE 23 AWARDS THEY GIVE TO PEOPLE WHO—
SHHHH. WE SHOULDN'T DISCUSS IT.
WHY NOT? WHO DOESN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE GUYS WHO GOT GENIUS GRANTS?
ONE OF THEM WHO DIDN'T.
OH, LORD.
IT'S A SLAP IN THE FACE IS WHAT IT IS.

HEY, RAT,
IT'S ME,
ZEBRA.
YOU SEEN
PIG?
NOPE. HE WENT TO THE
PARK LAST WEEK TO PLAY
'HIDE AND SEEK,' BUT I
HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING
WITH HIM SINCE.
FOUND YOU.

TOUGHER TOUGHER TOUGHER TOUGHER
TONIGHT ON "PLANET EARTH"...
THE DART FROG.
A NATIVE OF CENTRAL AND SOUTH AMERICA, THE FROG LIVES IN TREES AND FEEDS ON INSECTS.
SMALL IN SIZE, THE FROG HAS NO NATURAL DEFENSES.
THUS, IT MUST RELY SOLELY ON ITS BRIGHTLY COLORED SKIN, A SIGNAL TO PREDATORS THAT IT IS POISONOUS AND THAT TO EAT IT IS TO SUFFER A SLOW, PAINFUL DEATH...
Dat guy fashion-challenged.

HEY, GOAT, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND, TIMBO THE TORTOISE.
HOW DO YOU DO?
I HAVE NO COMMENT AT THIS TIME.
HE'S IN PUBLIC RELATIONS.
I SEE.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M NOW LEAVING TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH MY FAMILY.

I AM SO TIRED OF BOTH POLITICAL PARTIES... I TELL YOU, IN THE NEXT ELECTION I’M GONNA...
YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OBSCURING YOUR VOICE.
WHY?!
YOU BORE ME SO MUCH I FEAR I’LL FALL ASLEEP AND DROWN IN MY SOUP.
OH, SO MY CONCERN FOR THE POLITICAL FUTURE OF—
YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP

DUDE, YOU'VE BEEN SITTING THERE FOR TEN HOURS JUST WATCHING T.V.
I KNOW. MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA LEFT ME. NOW I JUST FEEL STRANDED AND LOST, LIKE I CAN'T GET UP AND DO ANYTHING EVEN IF I WANTED TO.
MUST YOU HIRE A TUGBOAT?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE STUMBLED UPON A FORM OF COMMUNICATION THAT IS SO CAREFULLY ENCODED I CAN ONLY ASSUME IT WAS ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HERE BY ALIENS.
Dw i ddim yn gwybod.
Ydw.
Mae'n ddrwg gen i.
THAT'S WELSH.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY COME IN PEACE?

HEY, PIG... WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR COUSIN IVO TODAY.
I DID. I TOOK HIM TO THE DINER. HE WAS A BIG HIT. ONE WOMAN SAID HE HAS SO CUTE SHE COULD JUST EAT HIM UP.
THEN WHAT?
SHE ATE HIM UP.
SOME COMPLIMENTS AREN'T THAT COMPLIMENTARY.

WHEN IS IT APPROPRIATE TO SAY, "I MEANT WELL"?
I GUESS WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING WITH GOOD INTENTIONS THAT ENDS UP HAVING A BAD RESULT. WHY?
I CUT DOWN A HUGE TREE TO SEE IF IT WOULD CRUSH YOUR HOUSE AND IT DID. I MEANT WELL.
PERHAPS YOU DIDN'T HEAR THE "I MEANT WELL."

To: RatGreatness@gmail.com
From: Zeebs4life@gmail.com
Re: Funny joke
Hey, Rat...Got that joke you forwarded me. LOL.
To: Zeebs4life@gmail.com
From: RatGreatness@gmail.com
Did you just put that ridiculously overused acronym for "Laughing Out Loud" in an email to me?
Yeah. Why?
IHTOASMI
TIATCOTY
YHABYW
ABOL
Hey, Pig, do you have any idea what that means?
I HATE THAT OVERUSED ACRONYM SO MUCH THAT I'M ABOUT TO COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND BEAT YOU WITH A BAT OUT LOUD.
KATHUNK
I'd appreciate your not warning them in advance.

HEY, ZEBRA, HAVE YOU MET MY NEW FRIEND, "MAGIC BUNNY"? IF YOU GIVE HIM A FIVE DOLLAR BILL, HE CAN MAKE IT DISAPPEAR.
OH, YEAH? THIS I GOTTA SEE.
VIVAAA LAS VEGAS!
GAMBLING IS HIS MAGIC TRICK?
WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MAGIC TRICKS?
HOW DID HE DO THAT?

HEY, RAT... WE GOT ONE OF
THOSE AUTOMATED PHONE
CALLS FROM THE LIBRARY
SAYING YOU HAVE AN
OVERDUE BOOK. YOU
BETTER RETURN IT.
WHO CARES,
DUDE? IT'S ONE
AUTOMATED
MESSAGE. LET'S
AT LEAST WAIT
'TIL WE GET TWO.
I DON'T THINK WE GET TWO.

HEY, GOAT, I GOT YOUR REPLY
TO THAT JOKE I E-MAILED YOU
AND I COULDN'T HELP BUT
NOTICE YOU USED THAT RATHER
HACKNEYED ACRONYM, 'LOL'.
YEAH. 'LAUGHING
OUT
LOUD.'
WHY?
I'M GONNA STOP THAT ACRONYM
ONE INTERNET USER AT A TIME.

DUVAL STREET, KEY WEST, FLORIDA
THIS IS THE GREATEST TOWN EVER! GREAT BARS! HOT WOMEN! IF ONLY I HAD A SMOOTH WING MAN TO HELP ME WITH THE LADIES...
HIYA, PAL!
WHY DOES THE GOD OF LOVE HATE ME SO?
MAGIPANTS SAYS HELLO.

MAGIPANTS! MAGIPANTS! YOU'RE UNHARMED!!!
I WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU AGAIN! I WILL FLY BACK TO MY VACATION WITH YOU! I WILL WEAR YOU ON MY HEAD IF YOU WANT ME TO! AND I WILL NEVER EVER REMOVE YOU AGAIN!
...SIR, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU PROMISED YOUR PANTS... YOU'RE TAKING THEM OFF OR I AM.
PLEASE, SIR. DON'T MAKE ME GET VIOLENT.

DUDE, THIS KEY WEST VACATION HAS MY BEST IDEA EVER.
YEAH, I-- WAIT! I FORGOT MAGIPANTS!
YOU WHAT?
THE PANTS I SLEEP IN... "MAGIC PANTS!" OR AS I CALL THEM, "MAGIPANTS" THEY ARE THE COMFIEST SLEEPING PANTS OF ALL-TIME! AND THEY ARE BACK AT HOME! ABANDONED!
DUDE, SHUT UP! WE JUST FLEW 3,000 MILES TO GET HERE. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN GO BACK AND GET THEM.
ARE WE THERE YET?
AGAIN, SIR, WE JUST TOOK OFF.

BEHOLD! I, MASTER LINGUIST RAT, SEEK TO TEST THE LINGUISTIC THEORY THAT WHEN PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND A WORD, THEY AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME IT IS INAPPROPRIATE.
THUS, I HAVE INVENTED THE PHRASE 'SCHOOP SCHOOP PING-A-PANG BONG', WHICH MEANS 'TO PLAY A VIGOROUS GAME OF MONOPOLY.'
PIG, PLEASE READ THIS NOTE TO THE KIND PERSON NEXT TO YOU.
HELLO, MA'AM. CARE TO COME HOME WITH ME AND SCHOOP SCHOOP PING-A-PANG BONG?
KAPISHHHH
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND 'MONOPOLY.'
RESULT INCONCLUSIVE. MUST TEST ON A GOAT.
CHECK, PLEASE. PIGS DON'T TALK.

I THINK I'M COMPOSED OF TWO SELVES THAT ARE CONSTANTLY AT ODDS WITH EACH OTHER FOR CONTROL OF MY SOUL.
I THINK THOSE TWO SELVES FIGHT IN EACH OF US.
EVIL AND EVILER?
EVIL AND GOOD.
GOOD? OH, WE WIPED HIM OUT YEARS AGO.

Meow.
AWWW… LOOK AT THE CUTE LI’L KITTY… IS HE YOURS?
YES, MA’AM.
Meow.
Meow.
DON’T YOU WONDER WHAT SILLY THINGS A LITTLE KITTY MIGHTY IS TRYING TO TELL US WITH HIS “MEOWS”?
Kill. Fat. Lady.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO EAT AND RUN, MA’AM.
OHHH… I THINK HE LIKES ME.
Meow.