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RAT MAKES "PEARLS" A "MAD LIB."
LISTEN TO ME, RAT. I'M SERIOUS. WE ARE NOT TURNING THE STRIP INTO A "MAD LIB."
FINE, THEN HOW 'BOUT JUST THE PUNCHLINE? WE CAN ASK READERS TO FILL IN THE BLANKS AND GIVE A PRIZE TO THE BEST SUBMISSION.
NO. I HAVE NO PRIZE TO GIVE AND I HAVE NO TIME TO GO THROUGH 100, 000 E-MAILS.
ALRIGHT. FINE. I UNDERSTAND.
HOW 'BOUT I JUST ____ THEM (VERB) ____ A ____ (ADJECTIVE) (NOUN).
I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
RUN, RAT, BEFORE HE ____ YOUR ____ (VERB) (NOUN)

HEY, PIG, DID YOU SEE WHAT YOUR STUPID GUARD DUCK DID?
NO. WHAT?
HE _____ A _____ WITH HIS _____.
MY STRIP IS NOT A 'MADLIB.'
WHY NOT? IT BEATS THE _____ YOU WRITE.
HAHAHA YOU JUST MADE ME _____

PIG, IT'S ME, PIGITA... I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME OUT TONIGHT... AND I WANT TO GO SOMEPLACE NICE, NOT ONE OF YOUR ADOLESCENT BURGER JOINTS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BURGER JOINTS?
BECAUSE, I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I'M DATING A KID... I'M A GROWN WOMAN AND I NEED A MATURE RELATIONSHIP.
YOU GOT IT... BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
WHY?
NO REASON.
OUT OF THE SOFA FOR FATTY CROCKETT!!

HEY, GUYS, CAN YOU ALL TAKE A BREAK FROM WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO WATCH MY NEW DOG, IKE, DO SOME TRICKS?
GEE, PIG. I'M SORTA READING THIS BOOK ON CAESAR RIGHT NOW.
IT'LL BE GREAT. I SWEAR... HE KNOWS HOW TO AIM HIS LITTLE PAW AT SOMETHING, AND HE CAN SAY THROUGH ICE, AND HE CAN JUMP ON THIS KURDISH MAN'S HEAD.
REALLY?
YEAH, WATCH... I'LL TELL HIM TO AIM... GOAT, YOU POINT OUT THE ICE AND YELL "SAY," AND RAT, YOU TELL HIM TO JUMP ON THIS MAN'S HEAD... READY... GO!
IKE, AIM!
SAY! ON!
ICE! I SAW!
IKE, ON KURD!
I COME TO BURY PASTIS, NOT TO PRAISE HIM.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
A BUNCH OF FAT ITALIANS YELLING AT EACH OTHER.
IT'S CALLED OPERA.
SEE. I TOLD YOU IT WASN'T 'COPS'.
SO THAT'S WHY NO ONE GOT MACED.

HEY, I THINK I FINALLY FINISHED PAINTING THE LIVING ROOM.
DID YOU KNOW THE WORD "PAINT" COMES FROM THE OLD FRENCH WORD, 'PENITRER,' WHICH COMES FROM THE LATIN, 'PINGERE'?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CONFIRMING GOAT'S STORIES REALLY ARE AS BORING AS WATCHING PAINT DRY.

LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A NEW
GOVERNOR... HOW DO YOU
THINK SHE’LL DO?
I GUESS IT
DEPENDS ON
WHETHER OR
NOT SHE FEELS
SHE HAS A
MANDATE.
THAT’S
STUPID.
WHY IS
THAT
STUPID?
BECAUSE SHE
SHOULD TRY TO
GOVERN WELL
REGARDLESS OF
HER SOCIAL
LIFE.
A MANDATE IS NOT A DATE
WITH A MAN.
HOW DOES IT
FEEL TO KNOW
HIS VOTE COUNTS
THE SAME AS
YOURS?
I HAD
A MAN
DATE ONCE.
DIDN’T GO
WELL.

HEY, PIGITA... WHY AREN'T YOU READY? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO GO TO CHEZ PANISSE TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS? YOU NEVER LISTEN! WHAT I SAID WAS I WANTED TO GO TO A STEAKHOUSE.
NOVEMBER 2, 2010. 2:46 P.M.
PIG: WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TOMORROW NIGHT, PIGITA?
PIGITA: CHEZ PANISSE.
STEVEIE STENOGRAPHER.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, RAT?
STEVIE STENOGRAPHER. HE TAKES DOWN EVERY WORD EVERYONE SAYS. THAT WAY I HAVE A VERBATIM RECORD OF ALL THE PROMISES OTHERS DON'T KEEP.
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PROMISES YOU DON'T KEEP? LIKE YESTERDAY, WHEN YOU
EAR- MUFFS!
I SEE.
GET YOUR OWN STENOGRAPHER

WHY ARE THE DUMBEST PEOPLE ALWAYS THE LOUDEST? WHY DON'T THEY REALIZE THEY'RE DUMB AND LOWER THEIR VOICE ACCORDINGLY?
MAYBE THEY DON'T THINK OF THEMSELVES AS DUMB.
THAT'S TOO BAD. MAYBE WE SHOULD MUFFLE THEM OURSELVES.
BUT WHO'S TO SAY WHO'S DUMB AND NOT DUMB? BESIDES, ISN'T EVERYONE IN A DEMOCRACY ENTITLED TO EXPRESS THEIR OPINION?

EVERYWHERE I GO THESE DAYS I FEEL SO SCARED. LIKE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW IS SO FRAGILE... LIKE EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO GO WRONG.
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS!
YEAH. IT'S FUN TO SAY, ISN'T IT?
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS.
YOU HAVE TO YELL IT.
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS!!
ON YOUR HEAD.
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS!!!
ON A FAT BIKER'S BACK.
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT ALL WENT WRONG.
I KNEW IT.

HEY, PIG. WANNA JOIN MY INVESTMENT CLUB? IT’S JUST FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS. AND FOR EACH PERSON YOU BRING IN, YOU GET MONEY.
DON’T DO IT, PIG. HE'S FORMING A PYRAMID SCHEME.
FORMING A PYRAMID SCHEME?? I LOVE PYRAMIDS!!
THANKS FOR THE SALES HELP.
I WAS NOT TRYING TO HELP.
I GET TO BE THE DEAD PHARAOH!

I THINK GUARD DUCK AND MR. SNUFFLES HAVE OPENED A SPY AGENCY AND I THINK THEY'RE WORKING UNDERCOVER AS SPIES.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
COVER BLOWN. REPEAT: COVER BLOWN.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR... NUTS... I LANDED ON B & O RAILROAD.
WHY IS THAT BAD?
I DON'T OWN IT.
BECAUSE IT MEANS I SMELL AND HAVE TO GET PUNCHED IN THE NOSE.
NO, IT DOESN'T, PIG. WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?!
I THINK IT'S IN THE RULES.
IT IS NOT IN THE RULES.
HEY, IT BEATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS MAGAZINE ON KITCHEN REMODELS. I'M THINKING ABOUT HAVING A CONTRACTOR INSTALL ONE OF THOSE ISLANDS IN THE CENTER.
WHAT FOR?
IT HELPS WITH THE RESALE VALUE OF THE HOME. THEY'RE A VERY POPULAR FEATURE RIGHT NOW.
HELPS WITH RESALE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO SAY ABOUT YOU AFTER YOU'RE GONE?
DEPENDS. WHERE'D I GO?
YOU'RE IN THE GROUND.
AM I DIGGING FOR SOMETHING?
YOU'RE DEAD.
NUTS. MUST HAVE STRAINED MYSELF DIGGING.

SEE YOU LATER, RAT. I'M OFF TO BEGIN MY NEW LIFE. I, PIG, AM NOW AN OUTCAST, A TROUBLE-MAKER, A REBEL.
HOW ARE YOU REBELLING?
I'M WEARING WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY!!!
INTIMIDATING, ISN'T IT?

IF SOMEONE PUTS SOMETHING IN A BOOK AND TELLS YOU IT'S TRUE, THEN IT'S GUARANTEED TO BE TRUE, RIGHT?
NO, PIG. PEOPLE CAN LIE IN BOOKS JUST LIKE THEY CAN ANYWHERE ELSE.
BUT IF A MAGAZINE SAYS IT, IT'S TRUE, RIGHT?
NOT NECESSARILY.
A NEWSPAPER?
NO, NOT NECESSARILY.
MY MOM?!
GEE, PIG, YOU KNOW, EVEN MOMS SOMETIMES HAVE TO...
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE, MR. PITERS?!?!
CAN MR. PITERS?!
NO.
YES. MR. PITERS NEVER LIES TO YOU.
I KNEW WE WERE BEST FRIENDS FOR A REASON.

HEY GOAT, CHECK THIS OUT. I GOT A JOB WRITING THOSE CONTRACTUAL TERMS YOU AGREE TO EVERY TIME YOU LOAD SOFTWARE ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THOSE THINGS? NO ONE EVER READS THEM.
I WILL NEVER BUY SOFTWARE AGAIN.
And you further agree to fight an angry Bonobo monkey, who may or may not be armed.

IF HUMANITY IS EVER TO OVERCOME ITS DIVISIONS, IT WILL FIRST HAVE TO UNITE AROUND ONE, AGREED-UPON CENTRAL PRINCIPLE.
LIKE "LOVE YOUR FELLOW MAN"?
LIKE "IN THE EVENT OF IMMINENT NUCLEAR WAR, IF THERE IS LIMITED SPACE IN THE BOMB SHELTERS, THE FIRST PEOPLE WE WILL SACRIFICE ARE THE HACKY SACK PLAYERS."
I LIKE HACKY SACK.
PIG - IT'S ONE OF THEM.
I'LL MISS YOU, FRIEND.

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA READING?
THIS BOOK ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY.
OOOH... DID THEY HAVE BALLOONS AND A GOOD CATERER?
PIG... THEY ATE EACH OTHER.
I WOULD NOT RE-HIRE THAT CATERER.

WOW. THAT GIRL IS PRETTY.
SAY SOMETHING TO HER... DON'T YOU HAVE A DECENT OPENING LINE?
I HAVEN'T USED AN OPENING LINE ON A GIRL SINCE I WAS AN EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD MATH MAJOR IN COLLEGE.
YEAH. WELL, YOU BETTER SAY SOMETHING FAST. SHE'S GETTING UP TO LEAVE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT PI IS 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899...?
... WE MATH MAJORS DIDN'T DATE MUCH.

I'M THINKING ABOUT RUNNING FOR THE SENATE... I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN?
MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT BY TAKING BRIBES.
GO AWAY.
PLEASE, SIR. HELP MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

HEY, RAT... WANT TO HELP ME DO MY NEW JIGSAW PUZZLE?.. I'VE BEEN AT IT ALL DAY.
DUDE. I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WASTE MY TIME ON SOME 1,000 PIECE MONSTROSITY.
OH. I DON'T LIKE THOSE EITHER, SO I BUY THE ONES THAT ARE A LITTLE EASIER.
I'M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS.

TODAY'S FINAL JEOPARDY CLUE IS THE FOLLOWING... THIS BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED HORSE-LIKE MAMMAL IS OFTEN THE PREY OF AFRICAN LIONS... YOU HAVE TWENTY SECONDS.
OHMYGOD, THAT IDIOT CROC IS GONNA...
Stooped Larry gonna be weener!
MY FATHER.. A JEOPARDY CHAMP...
MY HUSBAND, A WINNER... AT LAST...
LARRY, YOU WERE IN THE LEAD WITH $64,000. OF WHICH YOU'VE BET EVERYTHING. AND YOU SAID...
OH. I'M SORRY. THE ANSWER IS 'ZEBRA'. NOT 'ZEEBRA'. YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING...
ME HAS SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!!!
SLOPPY JOE.
NOT A ZEBRA!