Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU LOOK GRUMPY THIS MORNING.
I AM.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES 43 MUSCLES TO FROWN, BUT ONLY 17 MUSCLES TO SMILE?
WHAT'S IT TAKE TO PUMMEL A PERKY GUY?
YOU MAY NOT BE A MORNING PERSON.
I AM NOW.
DON'T MOVE.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
AN EMAIL.
EMAIL? EMAIL? EMAIL DOESN'T ANYONE SEND A LETTER ANYMORE?
YO, COOL YOUR HORNS, SPAZ-BOY. I'M NOT THE BIGGEST FAN OF EMAIL EITHER. I KNOW IT'S GOT ITS PLUSES AND MINUSES.
YOU DO?
YEAH... FOR EXAMPLE, EMAIL TENDS TO RUDIFY ALL COMMUNICATION.
RUDIFY?
YEAH... MAKES IT RUDER. MAKES NICE PEOPLE SOUND RUDE. MAKES RUDE PEOPLE SOUND RUDE-R.
YES! EXACTLY! AND THAT ALONE OUTWEIGHS ITS PLUSSES!
THOSE ARE ITS PLUSSES.
PLEASE MAKE YOUR LIFE STOP MOVING.
PREPARE FOR AN EMAIL!!

I'M NOT PUTTING OUT ANY MORE SAMPLES UNTIL YOU TWO LEAVE.
SIR...WE'VE HAD BUT 53.
PLEASE, MISTER CHEESE-MAN! ONE TRAY MORE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR… CAN I GIVE YOU THIS?
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT IS IT?"… IT'S A LETTER TO A FRIEND.
OH, YEAAAH… I REMEMBER THESE...
I GIVE UP.
OH, WELL… I'M OFF TO DELIVER SOME MORE "NETFLIX" ENVELOPES.

HI, GOAT. I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.
DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO FINISH A LETTER.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GIVE YOU THIS. IT'S A PLAQUE CERTIFYING YOU AS THE LAST LETTER-WRITER IN AMERICA. CONGRATULATIONS.
GO AWAY.
OH, AND THE PRIZE INCLUDES THIS FINE OIL LAMP AND A BUGGY WHIP.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, GOAT?
A LETTER TO MY PEN PAL. HE LIVES IN WALES.
THE COUNTRY. NOT THE SEA CREATURES.
OHHHHHHHH...

THE CROCS REMODELED THEIR HOUSE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT, TO MAKE IT BIGGER? MORE MODERN?
I'D STAY OUT OF THERE.
Which one you Gretel?

DO YOU SUPPOSE ANYONE EVER READS THE COPYRIGHT LINE BETWEEN THE PANELS?
I DOUBT IT... I THINK PEOPLE'S EYES ARE PRETTY ACCUSTOMED TO IGNORING IT.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM SAFE. I MEAN, WHAT IF SOMEONE WERE TO GET AHOLD OF THAT SPACE AND SAY SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T WANT THEM TO SAY?
HASN'T HAPPENED YET, SO WHY WORRY ABOUT IT?
GOOD POINT.
TAKE IT DOWN.

HULLOOO ZEEBA NEIGHBA...VEESTEN...CROCS BUY YOU OSTRKEG EGG...ESSE GEEFT...PUT EEN HOUSE.

WHY WOULD I WANT AN OSTRICH EGG?

ESS LOTTA EGG. YOU MAKE OMMLEET.

YEAH, WELL IT LOOKS A LITTLE BIG FOR AN OSTRICH EGG...HOW DO I KNOW THAT'S NOT A CROC IN THERE?

OOH, DAT VERY OFFENSIVE. NOW YOU SEE, IKE, DIS ALL ON HIM NO CALL OUT HE LIAR. MEBBE YOU NOT KNOW STREECH BABIES HUGE.

NO, NO, NO. I KNOW OSTRICH BABIES ARE BORN LARGE, SO IT MAKES SENSE THEIR EGGS WOULD BE LARGE. I'M JUST BEING CAUTIOUS. HERE, FORGET ABOUT IT...HAVE A BEER.

OKAY. BEER MAKE BETTER.

WHERE MY @#!# BEER?

BABY'S FIRST WORDS.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, PIG?
PUTTING AN AD IN THE PERSONALS ON CRAIGSLIST... WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Pudgy, unsmart pig seeks new me.
I THINK WE NEED TO WORK ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.
OH, NO NEED... THE NEW ME SHOULD HAVE OODLES.

LOOK AT THIS... I GOT A DEATH THREAT FROM THE GATORS NEXT DOOR TELLING ME WHEN THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME AND HOW THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME..
OH MY GOODNESS! AREN'T YOU SCARED?
IT'S HARD TO BE SCARED OF A DEATH THREAT WRITTEN ON "DORA THE EXPLORER" STATIONERY.
Nice goeng, Bob.
Is only paper me had, Larry.

HEY, GOAT, WANT TO HIT EACH OTHER WITH THE WATER NOODLE IN THE SWIMMING POOL?... IT'S REAL SOFT... IT'S JUST FOAM... ME AND RAT LOVE IT.
SURE. HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
JUST ONE.
JUST ONE? THEN WHAT DOES RAT USE?
A BEDPOST.
TRY TO AVOID IT.
CHECK PLEASE.

HEY RAT...WHAT'S GOING ON?
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
ENOUGH.

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
SOME POETRY BY WORDSWORTH.
I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T HEARD 'RAT MAXIM NO. 14'.
I GUESS I HAVEN'T.
"POETRY IS A HOAX PERPETRATED BY EDUCATED PEOPLE TO CONFUSE AND ANGER THE REST OF US."
I'M LEAVING NOW.
YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH.

I LIKE THIS POLITICIAN. HE SEEMS LIKE A NORMAL GUY.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A NORMAL GUY. SEE RAT MAXIM NO. 9.

RAT MAXIM NO. 9?

"THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE: ABNORMAL PEOPLE, AND PEOPLE YOU DON'T YET KNOW WELL ENOUGH."
I DON'T THINK I'LL PUT "RAT'S BOOK OF MAXIMS" ON MY SUMMER READING LIST.

"CLIFFSNOTES" VERSION: "WE ARE ALL FREAKS."

We are all
Gulf
residents.

HEY LIFEGUARD! I THINK THAT MAN IS FLOATING OUT TO SEA!
CAN'T HELP. BUSY.
DOING WHAT?
ROCKING THE LEOPARD-SKIN MAN THONG.
SOME LIFEGUARDS SAVE LIVES.
WHY SAVE LIVES WHEN YOU CAN ROCK THE MAN THONG.

HELP! HELP! THAT PERSON OUT THERE'S DROWNING! THEY'RE GONNA DIE!
DO NOT FEAR, LADY IN THE RED BIKINI! DREAMBOAT DONNY IS HERE TO HELP THE HELPLESS AND RISK HIS LIFE FOR THE GOOD OF OTHERS!!
NO NO NO...IT'S THE FAT GUY WHO'S DROWNING!
WHAT'S ONE LESS FAT GUY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM 'DREAMBOAT DONNY,' LIFEGUARD STUD, HERE TO SAVE LIVES AND MEET BABES.
HELP! HELP! HELP!
BUT MOSTLY MEET BABES.

HI, NEIGHBOR BOB... WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?
SOMEONE'S SHOOTING HOLES IN MY GARDEN GNOMES AND SPRAY-PAINTING "POPPED BY EL BANDITO" ON THEM.
GOSH, NEIGHBOR BOB... I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T, PIG, BUT DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO WOULD?
LET'S NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WEARING MAGIC PANTS.
THEY'RE YOUR MONKEY PAJAMA BOTTOMS. AND YOU'VE PULLED THEM UP TO YOUR NECK.
NO. THEY'RE MAGIC PANTS. AND THE HIGHER I WEAR THEM, THE MAGIC-ER I AM.
THAT'S TOO HIGH.

YOU KNOW, GUYS, I'VE BEEN THINKING...
OUR STRIP NEEDS A GO-TO GAG...
SOMETHING RELIABLY FUNNY THAT
WE COULD RETURN TO OVER AND
OVER.
AUGHHH
OUR
OWN.
OH.
THAT'S
BEEN
DONE
BEFORE?
GOOD
GRIEF.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, YOU'RE AS YOUNG AS YOU'LL EVER BE?
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IF YOU WANT TO JUMP AROUND LIKE A LITTLE KID, THERE'S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT.
CRACK
PAIN
AGONY
TORMENT
TORTURE
DO YOU REALIZE THAT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, YOU'RE AS OLD AS YOU'LL EVER BE?
SILLY STEP...
KNEES DON'T BEND THAT WAY.

THE VENDING MACHINE O' DREAMS
SO, PIG, WHAT ARE MY CHOICES HERE? MY WIFE AND I ARE HAVING PROBLEMS.
WELL, NEIGHBOR BOB, YOU'VE GOT YOUR BAG O' TORRID ROMANCE, YOUR BAG O' STABLE LONG-TERM MARRIAGE, YOUR BAG O' ...
FINE, FINE. GIMME ONE BAG O' TORRID ROMANCE AND ONE BAG O' LONG-TERM MARRIAGE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH. IT JAMS THE MACHINE.
NUTS. THEN GIMME A BAG O' JUST-FINE-AS-LONG-AS-I-GET-MY-ONE-VEGAS-WEEKEND-A-YEAR.

WHEN DID YOU PUT THIS VENDING MACHINE IN YOUR HOUSE, PIG?
LAST WEEK. BUT IT'S NOT JUST ANY VENDING MACHINE... IT'S THE VENDING MACHINE O' DREAMS.
WHAT'S IN THERE?
WELL, YOU'VE GOT YOUR BAG O' HEALTH, YOUR BAG O' CONTENTMENT, YOUR BAG O' LASTING HAPPINESS... HEY... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BAGS O' IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION?
I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE STOCKED THAT.