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DID YOU KNOW THE ANCIENT GREEKS HAD
A TRADITION OF BREAKING POTTERY AND
GIVING EACH CITIZEN A SHARD ON WHICH
THEY COULD WRITE THE NAME OF ONE
GUY THEY WANTED TO KICK OUT OF THE
CITY? WHOEVER GOT THE MOST
VOTES WAS EXILED.
IS
THAT
TRUE?
YEAH. AND THE GREEK WORD FOR
POTTERY IS "OSTRAKON," WHICH
IS WHERE WE GET THE WORD
"OSTRACIZE"...ISN'T THAT
KSSSHHHH!
THE WORDS, "THAT BORING GOAT,"
WON'T FIT ON MY SHARD.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
ACOUSTIC TILES. PEOPLE USE THEM ON RESTAURANT CEILINGS AND STUFF TO ABSORB SOUND. THAT WAY YOU DON'T HAVE TO HEAR ANY OF THE CHATTER FROM THE IDIOTS SITTING AT THE NEXT TABLE.
BUT I LIKE HEARING THAT CHATTER. IT'S HOW I LEARN THINGS AND MEET A LOT OF NEW PEOPLE.
THIS WILL IMPROVE OUR FRIENDSHIP.

WITH THE READERS' VOTES IN, MELVIN FALLS FROM THE SKY, DESTINED TO DESTROY...
(suspense builds)
KAABOOM
LEMMINGWORTH FEDERAL PRISON
I'M FREE
GUYS! THE STEPH-STER IS BACK!!
I DIDN'T VOTE FOR THAT!
I miss Melvin already...

WITH ONLY SECONDS TO GO BEFORE MELVIN'S VEST BOMB EXPLODES, THE CROCS BUST INTO THE POTTY.
HEY! Me no done wid crossword!
IMPROVISING WITH JUNIOR'S SEE-SAW, THEY LAUNCH MELVIN INTO THE SKY.
Whhheeeeeeeee
LEAVING JUST ONE QUESTION... WHERE SHOULD MELVIN LAND?
Somewhwere soft.
SEARCH FOR "AUTHOR STEPHAN PASTIS" ON FACEBOOK TO VOTE... BECAUSE LIVES HANG IN THE BALANCE.

STORY UPDATE
Okay..Uh.. Let's see.. Three letter word beginning with "E"..Clue is "Garden of Eden noourn.."
BOMB ABOUT START FINAL COUNTDOWN, MELVIN!
Hmmm..."Garden of Eden noourn..."
"Garden of Eden noourn..."
YUP!
YOU RIGHT!
Maybe it's about woomun..?
About bomb start final countdown.
Somehow dat not very satisfying.
MYRTE!
GLADYS!
TALUGA?

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I'M GOING AROUND GIVING EACH OF US CLEVER, WELL-THOUGHT-OUT NICKNAMES THAT SOMEHOW REFLECT WHO EACH OF US ARE. MINE IS 'GOD'S GIFT TO THE WORLD.'

WHAT'S MINE?
MR. CRAPPO.

I TRIED TO BE FAIR.

HEY, NEIGHBOR CUARÉ... HOW ARE THINGS?
GREAT. I'M DOING JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF MY WHOLE LIFE.
WHAT'S THAT?
SPENDING ALL DAY DRIVING MY KIDS AROUND IN A MINI-VAN.
I SENSE SARCASM.
OH. WELL, GOTTA GO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
PIG TICKED ME OFF THIS MORNING, SO I'M HOLDING A GRUDGE AS A MEANS OF GETTING HIM BACK.
YOU'RE REALLY AFFECTING HIM.
HAHA HAAA... TAKE THAT, YOU STUPID PIG!

LOOK AT THIS... I'M TRYING TO TAPE DOWN
THE LOOSE BACK OF THE T.V. REMOTE,
BUT THE END OF MY SCOTCH TAPE ROLL
GOT STUCK SOMEWHERE BACK ON THE
ROLL. NOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND
THE END, MUCH LESS PEEL IT OFF.
SO?
SO NOW MY WHOLE WEEK IS RUINED.
HE'S A
TAD TIGHTLY
WOUND.
WELL, TIME
TO DESTROY THE
WHOLE T.V.

Hey, Melvin...Me and Bob no want hurry you potty break, but you has beeg bomb strapped to you.
Hey, when you rush Melvin potty break, Melvin internal organs no work right. Besides, me no done reading newspaper.
Newspaper-? How much you has left?
Juss New York Times crossword puzzle...Sunday eedition.
Dis not gud sign, Bob.
Whoa...Dis one harder den Mondays.

Hey, Larry...
When Melvin's bomb s'pose go off?
Any meenute now.
Dat why we wait here een safety of fraternity house.
Sorry, but me got take qweek potty break.
Dis bad time read on john.

HI, MS. JONES. HAVE YOU MET MY NEIGHBOR BOB'S SON, JOJO? HE'S LEARNING THE KAZOO. HE'S HOPING IT WILL ONE DAY BE A NICE EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITY THAT COULD HELP HIS COLLEGE APPLICATION.
SHOW HER, JOJO.
TOOT, TOOT.
THAT'S NICE. THIS IS MY SON, PHILIP. HE VIOLIN.
HE'S ALSO PRESIDENT OF THE STUDENT BODY, THE DEBATE TEAM, AND THE DRAMA CLUB.
WHICH HASN'T STOPPED HIM FROM GETTING A 4.9 G.P.A. AND THE HIGHEST S.A.T. SCORE IN HIS SCHOOL'S HISTORY.
NOT BAD CONSIDERING HE SPENT THE SUMMER SAVING AN ENTIRE AFRICAN NATION FROM STARVATION.
HE IS SUCH A SHOW-OFF.

HEY, GOAT! GOAT! I FINALLY GOT A DATE!
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG! HOW'D THAT COME ABOUT? THE PERSONALS? MATCH.COM?
THE GROCERY STORE.
NEVER MIND.
DOES MATCH.COM SELL FRUIT?

Leesten, Larry... Me no happy you make me volunteer blow self up, and me want you know me is do someting geet even.
Whuh you do..?
Me unfriend you on Facebook.
Dat low blow, Melvin.

Hey, Bob.
When bomb blow up?
Tomorrow at noon, Melvin.
Well, better be quick 'cause
me has busy afternoon.
Melvin seem unclear on concept.

Hey, Melvin. Me do grocery shopping dis week for our Zeeba Zeeba Eata fraternity. And you no do no chore at all.
So?
So strap bomb to youself and blow up wall.
Me feel like you got better part of deal.

Hey Zeebs... Crocs make you ice cream cake to say we truly sorry for past meatstake... Oh, no. Ice cream melting and me no can fit through bars.
Oh, well. Guess you has to open gate.
He no leesten gud.

HEY...
WHAT THE
@#$%^
* IS
THIS!
A WALL TO KEEP THE COPS OUT... AND THAT'S A SECURITY GATE. I HAD THIS MAN INSTALL. IT CAN ONLY BE OPENED BY ENTERING THE TOP-SECRET SECURITY PASSWORD.
SO IS IT "1-2-3-4", "PASSWORD", OR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
WE SHOULD CHANGE THE TOP-SECRET SECURITY CODE.

WELL, SHOULD WE TRY IT?
I DON'T KNOW. LET ME LISTEN TO YOU.
"DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPERATE BEFORE READING THIS MANUAL."
"NEVER LEAVE THIS PRODUCT UNATTENDED WHEN IN USE."
"ALWAYS KEEP HANDS AND HAIR AWAY FROM MOVING PARTS."
"STEEL CUTTING ATTACHMENT IS USED TO MANUFACTURE PRODUCT COULD RESULT IN SHARP EDGES. TAKE CARE IN HANDLING."
"USE EXTREME CAUTION WHEN MOVING THE PRODUCT."
"VERY HIGH TEMPERATURES ARE REACHED DURING USE. TAKE EXTREME CARE. PRODUCT REMAINS HOT AFTER PRODUCT IS IN USE."
"DO NOT OPERATE NEAR DRAPES, CURTAINS OR WALLS, AS FIRE AND SUBSTANTIAL PROPERTY DAMAGE MAY RESULT."
"FAILURE ON THE PART OF THE USER TO ADHERE TO THESE WARNINGS COULD RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH OF THE USER."
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO AFRAID OF A TOASTER.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?
OH. I LOST IT YEARS AGO.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU LEFT IT LAST?
LET'S STOP TALKING.
HAVE YOU TRIED RE-TRACING YOUR STEPS?

I'VE REALLY HAD A WONDERFUL TIME WITH YOU TONIGHT, PIG... THANKS FOR TAKING ME OUT..
YOU'RE WELCOME, PIGITA. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME BACK TO MY CRIB~
SURE, PIG. I'D ENJOY THAT.
I'D LIKE TO GO HOME NOW.

DID YOU SEE THE VACATION PHOTOS I POSTED ON "FACEBOOK"?
NO. I CAN'T. WE ARE NOT "FACEBOOK" FRIENDS.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WE WERE FRIENDS YESTERDAY.
YES...I REMOVED YOU FROM MY FRIEND LIST THIS MORNING.
WHY?
I CALL IT 'CULLING THE HERD.'
I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR CATTLE.
NOT NOW YOU'RE NOT.

WHAT ARE THE CROCS DOING?
THEY WANT ME TO GET RID OF MY WALL, SO THEY HIRED A POLITICAL CONSULTANT TO HELP THEM FIGURE OUT THE MOST EFFECTIVE APPROACH.
MEESTER ZEEBACIEV, TEAR DOWN DIS WALL!!
DID RONALD REAGAN CONCLUDE BY THROWING BEER CANS?
HEY! RECYCLE THOSE!

DID YOU HEAR THOSE TREEHOUSE KIDS BUILT A BIG WALL FOR ZEBRA?
YEAH. I MET THEM. THEY'RE SUCH GOOD, DEPENDABLE KIDS. ZEBRA AND I REALLY SWEAR BY THEM.
THAT'S WRONG.
WHAT'S WRONG?
TEACHING PROFANITY TO LITTLE KIDS.
NEVER MIND.
SORRY. I'VE GOT A FOUL-MOUTHED FRIEND.

WUH YOU TINK YOU DOEENG?
BUILDING THE WALL HIGHER. I SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS YEARS AGO.
BUT YOU HURTEENG OUR RELATHUNSHEEP.
RELATHUNSHEEP? YOU JUST KEPT TRYING TO KEEL ME.
TRY TO FOCUS ON DA GUD TIMES.