Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
BRINGING ZEBRA MEAT TO THE MASSES.
BUT YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH A ZEBRA.
YOU EAT BACON.
BACON TASTES GOOD.
ZEEBA MACS TASTE GREAT.
OKAY... JUST ONE MORE BITE.

Dear life...
I am writing to
you to express my
dissatisfaction.
First, I didn't
ask to be here.
You put me
here.
That started us
off on a bad
foot.
And right from
the quick
start, I'd think
you'd strive to
be a good host.
But no. You
fill this place
with unpleasant
surprises.
As if that's not enough,
at some point I
apparently cease to
exist, in a manner
that is most likely shocking,
painful, and tragic.
Can you say
'rip-off'?
Please provide a
refund.
WHERE DOES ONE
SEND THESE?

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S OPENING A FAST FOOD PLACE ON THE CORNER NEAR YOUR HOUSE.
SERVING WHAT?
SERVING...
...OH MY.
WHAT IS IT?
Two Zeeba Macs peese.
McZeebars
You deserve a dead zeeba today

PIGITA, I CAN EXPLAIN!
EXPLAIN IT TO MY FISTS OF FURY AS THEY RAIN DOWN UPON YOU AND YOUR FLOOZY'S WOOLY HEAD!!
SHAKE-A-SHAKE-A-SHAKE-SHAKE!
SHAKE-A-SHAKE-A-SHAKE-SHAKE!
SHAKE-A-SHAKE-A-SHAKE-SHAKE!
IT'S A COPING MECHANISM.

PIG, I THINK YOU’RE CHEATING ON ME. I WANT YOU TO SWEAR YOU’VE BEEN FAITHFUL AND NO CROSSING YOUR FINGERS BEHIND YOUR BACK.
I SWEAR. AND I’M NOT CROSSING MY FINGERS HERE, LOOK.
WE NEED TO TALK.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU GET REALLY DEPRESSED? WHEN EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE IS JUST TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH?
I SHAKE MY MARACAS.
SHAKE-A-SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE
NOT A FAN?
NOT SO MUCH.

HURRY UP, PIG. WE'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR THE MOVIE!
HOLD ON, RAT... I’M TRYING ON A SWEATER AND WANT TO SEE HOW I LOOK.
LIKE THE STUD YOU ARE.
DO YOUR WOOL SWEATERS COME WITH THE SHEEP ATTACHED?

I'M STARTING TO THINK I MIGHT HAVE A STALKER. AND I THINK IT'S A SHEEP. AND I THINK SHE'S WATCHING EVERYTHING I DO.
DUDE, PLEASE... IF YOU'RE GONNA ACT LIKE A PARANOID WEIRDO, AT LEAST TURN THE OTHER WAY SO PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WE'RE TOGETHER.

BEHOLD! RAT, HAVE FIGURED OUT THAT THE KEY TO HAPPINESS IS TO LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS. SO I HAVE CREATED THE 'EXPECTATION CRUSHER'.
HOW'S IT WORK?
YOU WRITE DOWN EACH OF YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON THESE STRIPS OF PAPER AND PUT THEM IN HERE. THEN, THE EXPECTATION CRUSHER GRINDS THEM DOWN TO ONE LOW EXPECTATION YOU CAN MEET, MAKING YOU HAPPY. HERE, TRY IT.
LET'S SEE... I WANT TO BE LOVED BY EVERYONE... I WANT A MILLION FRIENDS... I WANT MY OWN AMUSEMENT PARK... I WANT A THOUSAND PONIES.
'I WANT A HAT.'
I'VE GOT THAT! I'VE GOT THAT!
HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!

I HAVE FOUNDED AN OPERA COMPANY.
YOU…WHO DO YOU HAVE THAT CAN SING OPERA?
NOBODY.
THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
A FAT GUY DRESSED FUNNY.
IT’S NINETY PERCENT OF THE BATTLE.

WELL, THE DEPARTMENT'S SO TIRED OF MY ACCIDENTS THEY'RE NOW TALKING ABOUT TAKING AWAY MY BILLY CLUB.
CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
NOT WHAT IT'S FOR.
THE NAME CONFUSED ME.

OFFICER POTUS... IS IT SAFE TO BE AROUND YOU?
YEAH. BECAUSE OF MY ACCIDENTAL SHOOTINGS, THE DEPARTMENT TOOK AWAY MY GUN. NOW ALL I HAVE IS A STUPID BILLY CLUB.
WHAM
WHAM WHAM WHAM
DANGEROUS LITTLE THING.

SO AS YOU CAN SEE, I JUST ADDED THE TWO AND NINE, WHICH IS ELEVEN, THEN I CARRIED THE ONE, AND...YES, LARRY, YOU HAVE A QUESTION...
Why you so boring?
No one like larry question.

American History Exam
QUESTION 1: Please state
the two main causes of the
Revolutionary War.
1) No one can sleep becus
Paul Rever yeling in street
like crzy person.
2) Too many tackes. And it
hurt to sit on a tackes.
GRADING PAPERS
SHOULDN’T MAKE
YOU CRY, MIKE.
I KNOW,
BOB, I
KNOW.

MORNING, SIR... I JUST CAME BY TO
TELL YOU THAT I’VE BEEN DEMOTED
A RANK. THE DEPARTMENT REALLY
FROWNED ON MY SHOOTING A CROC.
WHAT DID THEY
SAY?
THEY SAID THE NEXT TIME
I PULL THIS BABY OUT OF
ITS HOLSTER, I BETTER
BE A LOT MORE -
BOOM
THAT’S GONNA SMART.

TOP O' THE MORNIN', SIR! SORRY FOR DISTURBING YOU AGAIN, BUT I'M STILL AWFUL DETERMINED TO WORK OUT A COMPROMISE TWIXEN YOU AND THE CROCS.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
PLEASE, SIR, WORK WITH ME HERE.
I AM. BUT YOU'RE THE POLICE OFFICER. IF YOU WANT THE CROCS TO CHANGE, MAKE THEM.
I CAN'T MAKE THEM. I MEAN, SURE, I'M A COP, AND SURE, THEY GIVE ME ONE OF THESE, BUT THIS COMPRISE BUSINESS IS NOT ABOUT FORCE.
I CAN'T JUST WALK OVER THERE TO A HOUSE FILLED WITH NINETEEN CROCS AND --
EIGHTEEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT.
I AM SHUTTING ONE EYE TO BLOCK OUT HALF THE WORLD'S IDIOTS.
BUT THEN YOU'LL MISS HALF THE WORLD'S WONDERFULNESS. THE FRIENDS YOU TALK TO AT PARTIES, THE RELATIVES YOU JOIN FOR THE HOLIDAYS, THE NEIGHBORS WHO LOOK OUT FOR YOU.
ALRIGHT, FINE. YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.
YOU'VE SHUT BOTH EYES.
NUTS. I CAN STILL HEAR THE IDIOTS.

LARRY RETURNS TO FOURTH GRADE

KIDS, TODAY WE'RE GONNA LEARN ABOUT CAREER CHOICES, AND SINCE WE HAVE ONE STUDENT WITH CONSIDERABLY MORE LIFE EXPERIENCE, I THOUGHT I'D INVITE HIM UP HERE TO SHARE SOME OF HIS WISDOM ABOUT GROWING UP AND THE CHOICES YOU'LL MAKE. LARRY, COME ON UP.

You geer bad job. You geet bad wife. You die.

HOW ABOUT RETURNING TO YOUR SEAT NOW, LARRY?

Beer you only frend.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
COULDN'T SLEEP. STAYED UP ALL NIGHT WORRYING.
OH MY GOODNESS, PIG... ABOUT WHAT?
IF THE BRITISH PEOPLE CALL FRENCH FRIES 'CHIPS', THEY'VE GOT NO WORD LEFT FOR POTATO CHIPS!!!
THEY CALL THEM 'CRISPS'.
CRISPS?! OHHH, LORD... WHEN DOES THE MADNESS END...??

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE MONGOLS
ONCE HELD AN EMPIRE THAT
STRETCHED FROM THE PACIFIC
OCEAN TO THE DANUBE? HAVE
YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING
SO AMAZING?
OH,
YES.
WHAT?
BRITISH PEOPLE
CALL FRENCH FRIES
"CHIPS."
THIS MIGHT
BE WHY WE
DON'T DISCUSS
HISTORY.
WHAT NEXT --
DRIVING ON
THE WRONG
SIDE OF THE
ROAD??

LARRY, YOUR BOOK REPORT ON "TOM SAWYER" IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Whuh wrong wid it?
YOU WROTE, "BOOK LONG."
AND YOU SPEWED "BOOK" WITH FOUR O's.
Whuh? It have five?

WHERE'S DAD?
SCHOOL. I TOLD HIM IF HE'S NOT GONNA CATCH PREY, HE NEEDS A JOB. AND TO GET A JOB, HE NEEDS TO GO BACK AND FINISH HIS EDUCATION.
BUT DAD DROPPED OUT IN THE FOURTH GRADE.
SO?
NO BEER IN FOURTH GRADE, PLEASE.
Ees okay. Me breeng enough for everyone.

YOU HAVE BEEN STUPID LATELY.
FROM NOW ON,
I WANT THE RIGHT TO VETO THE ONES I DON'T LIKE.
SORRY.
IN THIS CONGRESS,
I'M A MAJORITY OF ONE.
I SEE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IN THIS SO-CALLED 'CONGRESS'
I AM A MAJORITY OF ONE.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
MY NAME IS ISHMAEL.
SOME YEARS AGO--NEVER MIND HOW LONG PRECISELY--HAVING LITTLE OR NO MONEY IN MY PURSE, AND--
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
READING
'MOBY DICK' IN ITS ENTIRETY.
WHY??
IT'S CALLED
A FILIBUSTER.
YOU CANNOT FILIBUSTER A COMIC STRIP!!
I THOUGHT I WOULD SLOWLY BORE ALL OF YOU,
AND YOU'D LEAVE THE WATER.
GET TO THE WHALE!
GET TO THE WHALE!
GET TO THE WHALE!!

HIYA RAT… I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, JACKO THE FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON.
WHY’S HE SO SMALL?
PITUITARY GLAND PROBLEMS. THEY’VE STIFLED HIS GROWTH.
I’LL SAY. ANYTHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM?
AAAHCHOO
ALLERGIES.

OKAY, TOON BOY, I’VE CHANGED MY NAME AGAIN. IT IS NOW THE SYMBOL FOR CENSORSHIP.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU SAY MY NAME, IT’LL LOOK LIKE WE’RE CUTTING EDGE VANGUARDS OF THE COMICS PAGE. GETTING CENSORED BY ‘THE MAN.’
OH, PLEASE. I AM SO TIRED OF YOU. I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE.
HE’S TIRED OF
YEP. HE CAN’T STAND
I’M GONNA KILL YOU-
HEY HEY... THIS IS A FAMILY NEWSPAPER.