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OKAY, JUST TO PREPARE YOU, THE GOVERNMENT'S NEXT WITNESS IS REALLY GONNA TRY TO TEAR YOU APART. HE'S GONNA TELL THE JURY YOU'RE A LIAR AND A FRAUD AND THAT YOU SHOULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BEHIND BARS.
OH, GREAT...WHO IS IT?
DO YOU PROMISE TO TELL THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?
OH, BOY, DO I!

MR. PASTIS, TELL THE JURY IN YOUR OWN WORDS WHY THEY SHOULD REFRAIN FROM THROWING YOU IN THE CLINK.
WELL... I DO THESE ELABORATE PUN STRIPS AND I THINK THEY'RE SORT OF POPULAR. AND IF I WAS PUT AWAY FOR LIFE, THERE'D NEVER BE ANOTHER ONE.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
YAAAAY
YAAAY
I GIVE UP.

CABLE'S OUT AGAIN.
THAT DOES IT. I'M GONNA CALL THOSE CABLE IDIOTS AND RIP INTO 'EM.
BOMBAY CABLE. HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
IS THIS A LIVE PERSON IN THIS COUNTRY?
YEP.
NO 'PRESS #1 FOR THIS. PRESS #2 FOR THAT AND THEN BEING ON HOLD FOR AN HOUR?'
NOPE. YEAH, I BET YOU STILL CAN'T GET OUT HERE TILL NEXT WEEK.
NO, THANK YOU. WE CAN BE THERE TODAY.
REALLY?
REALLY. IN FACT, THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS GIVE ME A FOUR-HOUR WINDOW IN WHICH YOU MIGHT BE HERE?
NOPE. WE'LL BE THERE AT 3:00 P.M. ON THE DOT.
AN EXACT TIME?
YEP.
IS THIS A DREAM?
YEP.
OH. OKAY.
zzzz...

HEY, PIG. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, I KNOW THE TRIAL ISN'T GOING GREAT, STEPH, AND JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IF YOU NEED, YOU KNOW, MORAL SUPPORT, YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS WHO CAN--
LIGHT THIS PLACE UP LIKE A $&*#@ING CHRISTMAS TREE.
I DON'T KNOW YOU...I DON'T KNOW YOU...I DON'T--
THAT'S GUARD DUCK AND HIS R.P.G., SILLY.
YEAH, AND IT WAS NOT EASY GETTING THIS PUPPY THROUGH THE METAL DETECTORS.

STEPHAN'S FEDERAL TRIAL
THAT ONE JUROR YOU SELECTED SURE LOOKS FAMILIAR. DO I KNOW HIM?
THAT'S JEFF KEANE, THE CREATOR OF THE FAMILY CIRCUS. THAT STRIP YOU MOCK.
SHOOT THE SON OF A @*%&~!!
I THINK YOU'VE MADE A TACTICAL ERROR.
OOPSY DOOPSIES.

STEPHAN’S FEDERAL TRIAL
YOUR HONOR, MY IDIOT CLIENT WOULD
LIKE ME TO WITHDRAW OUR REQUEST
FOR THE DEATH PENALTY. INSTEAD, HE’D
LIKE ME TO CALL OUR FIRST CHARACTER
WITNESS, HIS MOTHER PATTI.
I DON’T LIKE HIM.
NO ONE’S ASKED
YOU A QUESTION
YET, MS. PASTIS.
OH…WELL, I
STILL DON’T
LIKE HIM.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU'RE MY LAWYER.
CHILL, TOON BOY. YOU'RE IN THE HANDS OF A PRO.
AND HOW DOES THE DEFENDANT PLEAD?
GUILTY, YOUR HONOR. AND WE'D LIKE TO ASK FOR THE DEATH PENALTY.
THE WHAT??!!
YEAH... I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT.

HEY, PRISON BOY...THE
COURT'S APPOINTED YOU
A LAWYER FOR YOUR
TRIAL.
I THOUGHT
I WAS
GONNA HAVE
TO REPRESENT
MYSELF.
I'LL REPRESENT
MYSELF.
HELLO...WE'D
LIKE TO PLEAD
MORONITY.

THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
Per the plea agreement with Stephan Pastis, last week's strips were to be family-friendly.
Instead, they depicted an inebriated mother, a sociopathic frog, and Dennis the Menace as an arsonist.
As these offensive strips contained everything but a gun-toting, Communist monkey, the strip has been handed over to a guest artist, and Stephan's bail has been set at one million dollars.
Make that two million.

WHAT ARE YOU EATING, GOAT?
OATMEAL FROM THIS NEW COMPANY... IT'S FROM ONLY THE FRESHEST OATS.
WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT?
BECAUSE WHEN OTHER COMPANIES USE OLD OATS, THE TASTE IS NOT AS GOOD.
THEN WHY DO THEY USE THEM?
I DON'T KNOW, BUT MAYBE THAT WOULD BE A GOOD SLOGAN FOR THIS NEW COMPANY. THEY'RE HOLDING A CONTEST.
YEAH. IT COULD JUST SAY 'MY 'WHY OLD OATS?'
YEAH. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT IT ON AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING AND TAKE A PHOTO OF IT.
I'LL GET MY NEEDLE AND THREAD AND START RIGHT NOW!
HELLO, PIG. I CAME BY TO SEE IF YOU'D LIKE TO GO TO DINNER WITH ME.
OH. HI, PIGITA.
CAN'T... I'M ABOUT TO SEW MY 'WHY OLD OATS?'
MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOT VERY SUPPORTIVE.

I HEAR DENNIS THE MENACE SET FIRE TO YOUR HOUSE... SOUNDS LIKE YOUR NEW "FAMILY STRIP" IDEA'S GOING GREAT.
LISTEN, MOM-- I HAD A NICE TALK WITH THE YOUNG MAN AND I TOLD HIM HE NEEDED TO ACT MUCH, MUCH BETTER.
MAYBE TOO MUCH.
HEY, DENNIS, GO BACK TO BURNING DOWN MY HOUSE.
HERE, LET ME LEAVE YOU WITH SOME LITERATURE.

HEY, STEPH, SINCE WE'RE A FAMILY STRIP NOW, WE SHOULD HAVE A CUTE PET! HOW 'BOUT MY FROG, VITO?
THANKS, PIG. BUT A FAMILY STRIP NEEDS A CUTE LIL' CAT OR DOG, LIKE EARL OR MOOCH FROM 'MUTTS.'
I TAKE IT YOU'RE NOT A 'MUTTS' FAN.

OKAY, GUYS, IF WE'RE GONNA TURN "PEARLS" INTO A FAMILY STRIP, WE NEED CUTE KIDS. AND WHO BETTER TO INTRODUCE THAN THAT SLINGSHOT-CARRYING ICON, DENNIS THE MENACE.
HOPE YOU HAVE INSURANCE ON THIS GRANDE DAME.
LOOKS LIKE HE'S PAST THE SLINGSHOT PHASE.
AND REMEMBER, BLAME THOSE G**D*** FAMILY CIRCUS KIDS.

OKAY, CARTOON BOY...WHAT'S OUR GENERIC FAMILY HUMOR FOR TODAY?
LET'S SEE... MY MOM WILL BE BAKING COOKIES AND ONE OF US WILL EAT TOO MANY AND -- WAIT...WHERE IS SHE?
PIGEONS DID NUMBER TWO ON MY CAR...I'M GONNA SHOOT 'EM.
MOM...
HEY...SHE DID SAY "NUMBER TWO."
YEAH...I COULD'VE TOTALLY SAID "##@&$!!"

SO WHY'D THE
FEDS LET YOU
OUT OF PRISON?
I AGREED TO MAKE "PEARLS"
A LIGHTHEARTED SPOOF
ON THE MODERN AMERICAN
FAMILY, SURE TO INDUCE
WHOLESOME CHUCKLES.
THAT'S
LIKE
ALMOST
EVERY OTHER
COMIC ON
THE PAGE.
YEP, AND WE'RE GONNA
START BY INTRODUCING
A KINDHEARTED MOTHER
CHARACTER...IN FACT,
MY VERY OWN MOTHER.
IS THIS
THE ONLY
BEER IN
THE HOUSE?
MAYBE WE
WON'T
BE LIKE
EVERY OTHER
COMIC ON
THE PAGE.
LANGUAGE,
MOM.
LANGUAGE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HAVE YOU MET MY NEW GUARD FROG? WITH MY DUCK ON VACATION, I NEEDED A LITTLE PROTECTION.
WHAT'S HE DO?... SLAP PEOPLE WITH HIS WEBBED FOOT?
IT'S BEST NOT TO TAUNT HIM.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?
STEVE! BEER! BEER!
STEVE GOT OUT OF PRISON TODAY, SO I THOUGHT I'D GIVE HIM A 'WELCOME HOME' PARTY. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM AGAIN AND --
STEPH... WHAT DID HAP--
COULDN'T... DID MY HAIR. DON'T WISH TO DISCUSS.
WELL... A HAIRCUT'S ONLY TEMPORARY. STEPH... I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE WE GAVE YOU A TATTOO THAT YOU CAN NEVER --
WHAT IF -- WHAT IF WE GAVE HIM A TATTOO? LIKE A REALLY BAD ONE?
OHHHH... YOU LOOK WONDERFUL --
I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU STUPID G##$%&*#!!! $#$#%!!!
STEPH! NO! THAT'S NOT WHAT THE JEFFY WOULD WANT!

HEY, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE I MET ON MY JOURNEY THROUGH SPACE... IT'S PLUTO!
PLUTO? THE PLUTO THAT USED TO BE ONE OF OUR NINE PLANETS?
SENSITIVE SUBJECT.

Due to the content of this week's "Pearls Before Swine" comic strip, the U.S. Justice Department has obtained an injunction preventing the publication of the remainder of this week's strips. In its place, please enjoy this installment of the equally entertaining feature, "Jiffy and Spiffy, the Two Good Citizens."
I love my government for doing its very best.
I praise it for its goodness.
'Equally entertaining'? That's way more entertaining.
I love Spiffy best!

HEYA, RAT... HOW WAS YOUR VACATION?
TERRIFIC, BOB. HEY, LISTEN... I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD PUT TOGETHER A LITTLE EDITORIAL FOR THE NEWS TONIGHT.
WELL, SURE, RAT. AS LONG AS IT'S CLEARLY LABELED AS SUCH AND --
WE'RE ON IN THREE... TWO... ONE...
OVERTHROW THE GOVERNMENT!!!
IF I COULD HAVE A QUICK WORD...
AND NOW FOR THE WEATHER.
WEATHER SCHMEATHER. YOU GO, GIRL.

MOM, THIS IS STEPHAN... LISTEN, I GOT THROWN IN JAIL BECAUSE ONE OF MY CHARACTERS ADVOCATED REVOLUTION. NOW LISTEN... YOU'RE MY ONE CALL SO I NEED YOU TO ---
SORRY, SON... BUSY PLAYING 'ANGRY BIRDS' ON MY IPAD.
I NEVER WAS HER FAVORITE KID.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M ADVOCATING THE OVERTHROW OF THE GOVERNMENT.
THEY'LL TOSS YOU IN THE POKEY!
THEY CAN'T... I'M JUST A FICTIONAL CARTOON CHARACTER. THEY HAVE ABSOUTELY NO RECOURSE WHATSOEVER.

AREN'T YOU TIRED OF A GOVERNMENT THAT IS OWNED AND CONTROLLED BY BIG INTERESTS AND A SUPREME COURT THAT SAYS IT'S OKAY?
I SURE AM. WE REALLY NEED TO ORGANIZE AND—
OVERTHROW IT!!!
I WAS GONNA SUGGEST TOWN HALL MEETINGS.
GOOD IDEA. WE CAN HAND OUT THE PITCHFORKS THERE.

HIYA, GOAT!
HEY, PIG... THANKS FOR COMING TO MY PARTY... WHERE'S RAT?
OH, YOU KNOW HOW HE IS... HE'S... NOT EXACTLY MR. SOCIAL.
THAT'S TRUE. HE CAME TO MY SUMMER BARBECUE LAST YEAR AND JUST SAT INSIDE READING A BOOK...
AND REMEMBER MY CHRISTMAS PARTY? HE WENT OUTSIDE IN THE COLD AND JUST SAT ALONE ON A DECK CHAIR SMOKING.
WELL, NO MATTER. LET'S FORGET ABOUT HIM AND JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU GOT IT. IS EVERYONE IN THE LIVING ROOM?
YUP. GO JOIN THEM AND I'LL HANG UP YOUR COAT.
YOU MIND?
THAT'S DISTURBING.

IN THE CHANNEL 7 NEWSROOM
I DON’T GET IT, RALPH. OUR RATINGS ARE UP TEN PERCENT SINCE YOU CAME HERE. HOW DO YOU DO IT?
FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.
FEAR, HUH? BUT HOW?
I’LL SHOW YOU. NAME SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE IN OUR HOUSE AND SOMETHING WE ALL DO.
UH… MAYONNAISE… SLEEP?
TONIGHT AT SIX, HOW YOUR MAYONNAISE JAR MAY BE TRYING TO SUFFOCATE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
WOW.
AT ELEVEN… HOW YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM YOUR HOMICIDAL MAYONNAISE.