Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIGITA... WHY AREN'T YOU READY? I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO GO TO CHEZ PANISSE TONIGHT.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS? YOU NEVER LISTEN! WHAT I SAID WAS I WANTED TO GO TO A STEAKHOUSE.
NOVEMBER 2, 2010. 2:46 P.M.
PIG: WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO TOMORROW NIGHT, PIGITA?
PIGITA: CHEZ PANISSE.
STEVEIE STENOGRAPHER.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, RAT?
STEVIE STENOGRAPHER. HE TAKES DOWN EVERY WORD EVERYONE SAYS. THAT WAY I HAVE A VERBATIM RECORD OF ALL THE PROMISES OTHERS DON'T KEEP.
WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PROMISES YOU DON'T KEEP? LIKE YESTERDAY, WHEN YOU
EAR- MUFFS!
I SEE.
GET YOUR OWN STENOGRAPHER

WHY ARE THE DUMBEST PEOPLE ALWAYS THE LOUDEST? WHY DON'T THEY REALIZE THEY'RE DUMB AND LOWER THEIR VOICE ACCORDINGLY?
MAYBE THEY DON'T THINK OF THEMSELVES AS DUMB.
THAT'S TOO BAD. MAYBE WE SHOULD MUFFLE THEM OURSELVES.
BUT WHO'S TO SAY WHO'S DUMB AND NOT DUMB? BESIDES, ISN'T EVERYONE IN A DEMOCRACY ENTITLED TO EXPRESS THEIR OPINION?

EVERYWHERE I GO THESE DAYS I FEEL SO SCARED. LIKE EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW IS SO FRAGILE... LIKE EVERYTHING IS ABOUT TO GO WRONG.
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS!
YEAH. IT'S FUN TO SAY, ISN'T IT?
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS.
YOU HAVE TO YELL IT.
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS!!
ON YOUR HEAD.
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS!!!
ON A FAT BIKER'S BACK.
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS
BOOT SOME BABOON BUTTOCKS
YOU'RE RIGHT. IT ALL WENT WRONG.
I KNEW IT.

HEY, PIG. WANNA JOIN MY INVESTMENT CLUB? IT’S JUST FIVE HUNDRED BUCKS. AND FOR EACH PERSON YOU BRING IN, YOU GET MONEY.
DON’T DO IT, PIG. HE'S FORMING A PYRAMID SCHEME.
FORMING A PYRAMID SCHEME?? I LOVE PYRAMIDS!!
THANKS FOR THE SALES HELP.
I WAS NOT TRYING TO HELP.
I GET TO BE THE DEAD PHARAOH!

I THINK GUARD DUCK AND MR. SNUFFLES HAVE OPENED A SPY AGENCY AND I THINK THEY'RE WORKING UNDERCOVER AS SPIES.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
COVER BLOWN. REPEAT: COVER BLOWN.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR... NUTS... I LANDED ON B & O RAILROAD.
WHY IS THAT BAD?
I DON'T OWN IT.
BECAUSE IT MEANS I SMELL AND HAVE TO GET PUNCHED IN THE NOSE.
NO, IT DOESN'T, PIG. WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT?!
I THINK IT'S IN THE RULES.
IT IS NOT IN THE RULES.
HEY, IT BEATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GO DIRECTLY TO JAIL.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THIS MAGAZINE ON KITCHEN REMODELS. I'M THINKING ABOUT HAVING A CONTRACTOR INSTALL ONE OF THOSE ISLANDS IN THE CENTER.
WHAT FOR?
IT HELPS WITH THE RESALE VALUE OF THE HOME. THEY'RE A VERY POPULAR FEATURE RIGHT NOW.
HELPS WITH RESALE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO SAY ABOUT YOU AFTER YOU'RE GONE?
DEPENDS. WHERE'D I GO?
YOU'RE IN THE GROUND.
AM I DIGGING FOR SOMETHING?
YOU'RE DEAD.
NUTS. MUST HAVE STRAINED MYSELF DIGGING.

SEE YOU LATER, RAT. I'M OFF TO BEGIN MY NEW LIFE. I, PIG, AM NOW AN OUTCAST, A TROUBLE-MAKER, A REBEL.
HOW ARE YOU REBELLING?
I'M WEARING WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY!!!
INTIMIDATING, ISN'T IT?

IF SOMEONE PUTS SOMETHING IN A BOOK AND TELLS YOU IT'S TRUE, THEN IT'S GUARANTEED TO BE TRUE, RIGHT?
NO, PIG. PEOPLE CAN LIE IN BOOKS JUST LIKE THEY CAN ANYWHERE ELSE.
BUT IF A MAGAZINE SAYS IT, IT'S TRUE, RIGHT?
NOT NECESSARILY.
A NEWSPAPER?
NO, NOT NECESSARILY.
MY MOM?!
GEE, PIG, YOU KNOW, EVEN MOMS SOMETIMES HAVE TO...
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! MY VERY BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE, MR. PITERS?!?!
CAN MR. PITERS?!
NO.
YES. MR. PITERS NEVER LIES TO YOU.
I KNEW WE WERE BEST FRIENDS FOR A REASON.

HEY GOAT, CHECK THIS OUT. I GOT A JOB WRITING THOSE CONTRACTUAL TERMS YOU AGREE TO EVERY TIME YOU LOAD SOFTWARE ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THOSE THINGS? NO ONE EVER READS THEM.
I WILL NEVER BUY SOFTWARE AGAIN.
And you further agree to fight an angry Bonobo monkey, who may or may not be armed.

IF HUMANITY IS EVER TO OVERCOME ITS DIVISIONS, IT WILL FIRST HAVE TO UNITE AROUND ONE, AGREED-UPON CENTRAL PRINCIPLE.
LIKE "LOVE YOUR FELLOW MAN"?
LIKE "IN THE EVENT OF IMMINENT NUCLEAR WAR, IF THERE IS LIMITED SPACE IN THE BOMB SHELTERS, THE FIRST PEOPLE WE WILL SACRIFICE ARE THE HACKY SACK PLAYERS."
I LIKE HACKY SACK.
PIG - IT'S ONE OF THEM.
I'LL MISS YOU, FRIEND.

HEY, GOAT, WHATCHA READING?
THIS BOOK ABOUT THE DONNER PARTY.
OOOH... DID THEY HAVE BALLOONS AND A GOOD CATERER?
PIG... THEY ATE EACH OTHER.
I WOULD NOT RE-HIRE THAT CATERER.

WOW. THAT GIRL IS PRETTY.
SAY SOMETHING TO HER... DON'T YOU HAVE A DECENT OPENING LINE?
I HAVEN'T USED AN OPENING LINE ON A GIRL SINCE I WAS AN EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLD MATH MAJOR IN COLLEGE.
YEAH. WELL, YOU BETTER SAY SOMETHING FAST. SHE'S GETTING UP TO LEAVE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT PI IS 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510582097494459230781640628620899...?
... WE MATH MAJORS DIDN'T DATE MUCH.

I'M THINKING ABOUT RUNNING FOR THE SENATE... I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
GOOD FOR YOU. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN?
MY SAVINGS ACCOUNT BY TAKING BRIBES.
GO AWAY.
PLEASE, SIR. HELP MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

HEY, RAT... WANT TO HELP ME DO MY NEW JIGSAW PUZZLE?.. I'VE BEEN AT IT ALL DAY.
DUDE. I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WASTE MY TIME ON SOME 1,000 PIECE MONSTROSITY.
OH. I DON'T LIKE THOSE EITHER, SO I BUY THE ONES THAT ARE A LITTLE EASIER.
I'M OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS.

TODAY'S FINAL JEOPARDY CLUE IS THE FOLLOWING... THIS BLACK AND WHITE STRIPED HORSE-LIKE MAMMAL IS OFTEN THE PREY OF AFRICAN LIONS... YOU HAVE TWENTY SECONDS.
OHMYGOD, THAT IDIOT CROC IS GONNA...
Stooped Larry gonna be weener!
MY FATHER.. A JEOPARDY CHAMP...
MY HUSBAND, A WINNER... AT LAST...
LARRY, YOU WERE IN THE LEAD WITH $64,000. OF WHICH YOU'VE BET EVERYTHING. AND YOU SAID...
OH. I'M SORRY. THE ANSWER IS 'ZEBRA'. NOT 'ZEEBRA'. YOU'VE LOST EVERYTHING...
ME HAS SPEECH IMPEDIMENT!!!
SLOPPY JOE.
NOT A ZEBRA!

MOM, THIS IS JUNIOR. YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE IT, BUT DAD'S WINNING ON "JEOPARDY." HE'S GETTING ALL OF ALEX TREBEK'S QUESTIONS RIGHT.
HOW CAN THAT BE?
I JUST FIGURED IT OUT. EVERY NIGHT HE PUTS HIMSELF TO SLEEP BY WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL OR THE !SCIENCE CHANNEL! BECAUSE LEARNING BORES HIM SO MUCH. BUT HIS SUBCONSCIOUS HAS BEEN ABSORBING IT ALL...
OHMYGAND! HE MUST BE AS SURPRISED AS ANYONE. HOW'S HE HANDLING IT?
EEN YOU FACE, TREEBEK!!!

LARRY ON "CELEBRITY JEOPARDY"
THIS WORK WAS PUBLISHED BY ISAAC NEWTON IN 1687... YES, LARRY...
Uh... Ahh ees Philosophiea Naturalis Principia Mathematica?
I... I... I'M... STUNNED. FORGIVE MY SHOCK, LARRY, BUT IT'S JUST... SURPRISING...
Yeah, well, guys who knows me back home know how smart me is, so dis no surprise to dem.

LARRY ON "CELEBRITY JEOPARDY"
LARRY, WE START WITH YOU. PICK A CATEGORY.
Uh, yeah, Trebek, let me take that one.
YOU'RE JUST POINTING. YOU NEED TO READ THE CATEGORY ALOUD. THAT'S HOW THE GAME WORKS.
Me no can read, FATFACE.
THIS COULD BE A LONG GAME.

AND WE GO NOW TO OUR THIRD
CONTESTANT, LARRY, FROM THE
COMIC STRIP "PEARLS BEFORE
SWINE"...WHAT CHARITY ARE YOU
PLAYING FOR TODAY?
Huh..?
IT'S 'CELEBRITY
JEOPARDY'...YOUR
WINNINGS GO TO
A CHARITY.
@#$#@ you.
Me keeping
every dime.
CAN I SEE
THE PRODUCER
PLEASE?
Hey...Ees
you hair
real?

MOM, HAS DAD EVER EMBARRASSED YOU SO MUCH YOU'RE BEEN TEMPTED TO GIVE IT ALL UP AND FLEE YOUR OWN FAMILY?
OF COURSE. BUT BEING A FAMILY MEANS STICKING TOGETHER... WHY?
HE'S ON "JEOPARDY."
GOODBYE, SON.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
CELEBRITY JEOPARDY.
OH, GOODY! WHO'S ON IT?
SOMEBODY FROM THE SHOW 'WEEDS,' SOME GUY FROM 'DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES' AND......... OH, MY.
MEE NO KAN SPEL NAME

DUDE, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. MAKE HER GO TO THE AFTERLIFE ALREADY.
CATHY, FLY TO THE LIGHT. FLYYY TO THE LIIIGHT.
DUDE, KEEP GOING. TOWARD THE LIGHT.
DUDE, LOOK. SHE'S LEAVING... SHE'S FLYING UP... TOWARD... THE...
GUYS! LISTEN! I'D LIKE TO DO A REALLY NICE TRIBUTE TO CATHY GUISWITE. AT A TIME WHEN MOST RETIRING CARTOONISTS CHOOSE TO RUN REPEATS, PENSION OFF THEIR CHARACTERS, OR SELL THEIR STRIPS TO MATTEL, SHE DID THE GREATEST THING BY TRYING AND GIVING-
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, DO I?
NOPE.
ZAP
USING THE BUG ZAPPER.
AACKKK.