Pearls Before Swine | Search

MOM, THIS IS STEPHAN... LISTEN, I GOT THROWN IN JAIL BECAUSE ONE OF MY CHARACTERS ADVOCATED REVOLUTION. NOW LISTEN... YOU'RE MY ONE CALL SO I NEED YOU TO ---
SORRY, SON... BUSY PLAYING 'ANGRY BIRDS' ON MY IPAD.
I NEVER WAS HER FAVORITE KID.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M ADVOCATING THE OVERTHROW OF THE GOVERNMENT.
THEY'LL TOSS YOU IN THE POKEY!
THEY CAN'T... I'M JUST A FICTIONAL CARTOON CHARACTER. THEY HAVE ABSOUTELY NO RECOURSE WHATSOEVER.

AREN'T YOU TIRED OF A GOVERNMENT THAT IS OWNED AND CONTROLLED BY BIG INTERESTS AND A SUPREME COURT THAT SAYS IT'S OKAY?
I SURE AM. WE REALLY NEED TO ORGANIZE AND—
OVERTHROW IT!!!
I WAS GONNA SUGGEST TOWN HALL MEETINGS.
GOOD IDEA. WE CAN HAND OUT THE PITCHFORKS THERE.

HIYA, GOAT!
HEY, PIG... THANKS FOR COMING TO MY PARTY... WHERE'S RAT?
OH, YOU KNOW HOW HE IS... HE'S... NOT EXACTLY MR. SOCIAL.
THAT'S TRUE. HE CAME TO MY SUMMER BARBECUE LAST YEAR AND JUST SAT INSIDE READING A BOOK...
AND REMEMBER MY CHRISTMAS PARTY? HE WENT OUTSIDE IN THE COLD AND JUST SAT ALONE ON A DECK CHAIR SMOKING.
WELL, NO MATTER. LET'S FORGET ABOUT HIM AND JUST HAVE A GOOD TIME.
YOU GOT IT. IS EVERYONE IN THE LIVING ROOM?
YUP. GO JOIN THEM AND I'LL HANG UP YOUR COAT.
YOU MIND?
THAT'S DISTURBING.

IN THE CHANNEL 7 NEWSROOM
I DON’T GET IT, RALPH. OUR RATINGS ARE UP TEN PERCENT SINCE YOU CAME HERE. HOW DO YOU DO IT?
FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR. FEAR.
FEAR, HUH? BUT HOW?
I’LL SHOW YOU. NAME SOMETHING WE ALL HAVE IN OUR HOUSE AND SOMETHING WE ALL DO.
UH… MAYONNAISE… SLEEP?
TONIGHT AT SIX, HOW YOUR MAYONNAISE JAR MAY BE TRYING TO SUFFOCATE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.
WOW.
AT ELEVEN… HOW YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM YOUR HOMICIDAL MAYONNAISE.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE GOT A JOB AS A TV NEWS ANCHOR.
SINCE WHEN DID HE TAKE AN INTEREST IN TV NEWS?
SINCE HE LEARNED THAT THEY LIKE TO DO STORIES BASED ON FEAR.
TONIGHT AT SIX... HOW FAT DWARVES ARE PLANNING TO EAT YOU.

HEY, MORAN... LAST WEEK YOU DROPPED A STORYLINE WITH ANGRY BEER CAN ALIENS. THIS WEEK YOU LEFT PIG IN SPACE WITH NO OXYGEN. EVER PLAN ON ACTUALLY FINISHING A ******** STORYLINE?
THERE'S THE ENEMY! THROW SOMETHING HEAVY AT THEM!
I'LL HIT 'EM WITH THESE OXYGEN TANKS!
WE'RE SAVED!
TELL ME THEY DON'T PAY YOU FOR THIS.

IT SAYS HERE THAT IN 2006, SCIENTISTS DECLARED THAT PLUTO WAS NO LONGER TO BE CONSIDERED ONE OF OUR NINE PLANETS. INSTEAD, ITS CLASSIFICATION WAS LOWERED TO THAT OF A "DWARF" PLANET.
HE TOOK IT HARD.
WAS "DRUNKY" ONE OF THE SEVEN DWARFS?

ALRIGHT, SUPPLY OFFICER DUCK. NOW THAT WE'RE IN SPACE, WE SHOULD GO THROUGH OUR THREE ESSENTIAL ITEMS CHECKLIST... LET'S SEE... PEANUT BUTTER?
CHECK.
ROOT BEER?
CHECK.
OXYGEN SUPPLY?
IT'S VERY TASTY PEANUT BUTTER.

HEY, GOAT, WANT TO COME WITH ME AND GUARD DUCK ON OUR JOURNEY THROUGH SPACE?
HAHAHA... WOW, GOSH, PIG. I'D LOVE TO PLAY WITH YOU TWO IN THAT BIG CARDBOARD BOX, BUT I'VE GOTTA RUN TO THE BANK... SO YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.
HE LOOKED SURPRISED WHEN THE ROCKET BOOSTERS KICKED IN.

Zeeba neighba... Come heres.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Time geev up. Crocs find you mail slot.
So? So me tell Bob buy essplosives, shove een heres.
Me thought you say 'Shove een ears.'
KABOOM
We having techeeneecal deefeecultees.

RAT AND PIG MEET AN ALIEN RACE
THANK YOU, PIG FRIEND, FOR PARTICIPATING IN OUR INTER-PLANETARY SUMMIT. MAY THE PEACE WE FORGED BE THE FIRST STEP IN A LONG AND PRODUCTIVE ALLIANCE.
YES! A TOAST TO US!
GLUG GLUG GLUG
NEXT TIME, LET'S SKIP THE TOAST.

RAT AND PIG MEET AN ALIEN RACE.
WE HAVE ASKED FOR THIS SUMMIT TO DISCUSS OUR RESPECTIVE GOALS. OURS IS TO PROMOTE INTERPLANETARY PEACE THROUGH THE EXCHANGE OF TECHNOLOGY AND CULTURE.
MINE IS TO DRINK YOUR HEAD.
IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I'LL RECYCLE THE CAN.

WHAT THE...
LOOK! IT'S AN ALIEN SPACESHIP.
OH MY GOODNESS! ALIENS!! WHAT WILL THEY LOOK LIKE? HOW WILL WE GET ALONG?
I SENSE A CLASH OF CIVILIZATIONS.

HEY, GOAT...
WHERE YOU OFF TO?
I NEED SOME GREETING CARDS, SO I'm GOING TO THAT NEW STATIONERY STORE.
WAS THE OLD ONE ROLLING AROUND?
NEVER MIND.
I PREFER ALL MY STORES TO BE STATIONARY.

HEY, PIG. HOW ARE THINGS?
NOT GOOD. I FEEL LIKE I'M NOT ACCOMPLISHING ANYTHING IN MY LIFE... LIKE I'M JUST FLOUNDERING.
GAAAAA YOU, PAL.
NEVER USE THAT EXPRESSION AROUND A FLOUNDER.

HERE IS THE DISTANCE BETWEEN MY LIFE AND MY DREAMS... IT IS A VAST EXPANSE THAT IMPEDES MY HAPPINESS.
WELL, THEN GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I DIDN'T MEAN RUN TO THE LIQUOR STORE.
EXPANSE... NARROWING.
GOAT... BRILLIANT.

WHERE YOU TAKING ME, PIG?
TO THE FIREWORKS SHOW... WE ALL SIT OUT ON THIS BASEBALL FIELD AND WATCH.
IT’S TOO CROWDED.
NO IT’S NOT. THERE’S A SPOT RIGHT THERE BY SECOND BASE.
IS THAT YOUR CELLPHONE?
YEAH. IT’S IN MY PURSE. WILL YOU ANSWER IT?? MY HANDS ARE FULL.
HELLO…?
IT’S YOUR DAD. HE’S JUST CHECKING IN ON US. WANTS TO KNOW WHAT WE’RE DOING.
WELL, TELL HIM.
I’M TRYING TO GET TO SECOND BASE.
HE’S NOT HAPPY.

I'M SORRY, BUT MY GIRLFRIEND RECENTLY LEFT ME, AND I SAW YOU SITTING BY YOURSELF, AND I THOUGHT, I BET THAT WOMAN'S AS LONELY AS ME… I SHOULD TRY AND COMFORT HER.
MY BOYFRIEND'S IN THE BATHROOM.
"WELL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER" NOW FEELS LIKE A LESS APPROPRIATE LINE.

LOOK AT THAT PRETTY WOMAN. I WISH I HAD THE GUTS TO TALK TO HER.
SO TALK TO HER. TELL HER A LITTLE SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT YOURSELF.
NEXT TUESDAY IS THE EXPIRATION DATE ON THE MILK IN MY REFRIGERATOR.
SHE DIDN'T FIND ME INTERESTING.

WHY DO PEOPLE THAT MAKE RUDE, SNARKY COMMENTS ON THE INTERNET ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO END THEIR COMMENT WITH THAT DUMB WINKING EMOTICON?!
IT MEANS THEY'RE JUST TEASING YOU. YOU KNOW, JUST HAVING SOME FUN WITH YOU.
WELL, THAT'S STUPID. AND YOU'RE STUPID FOR KNOWING THAT.
I'M STUPID?!
;-)
HA! HA! HA! DON'T BE MAD... LOOK!

TOMORROW IS GOING TO BE MISERABLE.
MAYBE I CAN FIX IT.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO FIX IT. I JUST WANT TO VENT ABOUT IT.
BUT YOU WON'T HAVE TO VENT ABOUT IT IF I CAN FIX IT.
MAY I VENT ABOUT SOMETHING?

HI, PIG. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, BRIAN. HE'S A COSMOLOGIST. HE STUDIES THE STRUCTURE OF THE UNIVERSE, BLACK HOLES, SUPERNOVAE... THAT SORT OF THING.
HOW DO YOU FIND TIME TO MAKE WOMEN PRETTY?
COSMOLOGIST, PIG... NOT COSMETOLOGIST.
IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT.
LEMME GUESS... YOU DO HAIR, BUT NOT MAKE-UP.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SPIDERS KILL THEIR PREY BY INJECTING THEM WITH VENOM AND SUCKING OUT THEIR INSIDES WITH THIS LONG APPENDAGE CALLED A PROBOSCIS?
REALLY?
REALLY. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING SO GROSS?
NEVER.
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT EVERY TIME I DRINK A SMOOTHIE?
WHOA. SORRY, MAN. DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.
I WILL NOT BE ORDERING THAT.

Ohhh...Me could catch heem.
Yeah. Me could catch too.
Me could tear off dat guy heed.
Yeah. Me would reep to shred.
Ooooh, me could so keel dat one!
Yeah, me would eet in seconds!
DAD, I KNOW YOU AND BOB ARE TOUGH, BUT YOU MAKE IT REALLY HARD TO WATCH 'THE MUPPETS.'
Told you dat not nature documentary.