Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT.
I AM SHUTTING ONE EYE TO BLOCK OUT HALF THE WORLD'S IDIOTS.
BUT THEN YOU'LL MISS HALF THE WORLD'S WONDERFULNESS. THE FRIENDS YOU TALK TO AT PARTIES, THE RELATIVES YOU JOIN FOR THE HOLIDAYS, THE NEIGHBORS WHO LOOK OUT FOR YOU.
ALRIGHT, FINE. YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.
YOU'VE SHUT BOTH EYES.
NUTS. I CAN STILL HEAR THE IDIOTS.

LARRY RETURNS TO FOURTH GRADE

KIDS, TODAY WE'RE GONNA LEARN ABOUT CAREER CHOICES, AND SINCE WE HAVE ONE STUDENT WITH CONSIDERABLY MORE LIFE EXPERIENCE, I THOUGHT I'D INVITE HIM UP HERE TO SHARE SOME OF HIS WISDOM ABOUT GROWING UP AND THE CHOICES YOU'LL MAKE. LARRY, COME ON UP.

You geer bad job. You geet bad wife. You die.

HOW ABOUT RETURNING TO YOUR SEAT NOW, LARRY?

Beer you only frend.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
COULDN'T SLEEP. STAYED UP ALL NIGHT WORRYING.
OH MY GOODNESS, PIG... ABOUT WHAT?
IF THE BRITISH PEOPLE CALL FRENCH FRIES 'CHIPS', THEY'VE GOT NO WORD LEFT FOR POTATO CHIPS!!!
THEY CALL THEM 'CRISPS'.
CRISPS?! OHHH, LORD... WHEN DOES THE MADNESS END...??

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE MONGOLS
ONCE HELD AN EMPIRE THAT
STRETCHED FROM THE PACIFIC
OCEAN TO THE DANUBE? HAVE
YOU EVER HEARD OF ANYTHING
SO AMAZING?
OH,
YES.
WHAT?
BRITISH PEOPLE
CALL FRENCH FRIES
"CHIPS."
THIS MIGHT
BE WHY WE
DON'T DISCUSS
HISTORY.
WHAT NEXT --
DRIVING ON
THE WRONG
SIDE OF THE
ROAD??

LARRY, YOUR BOOK REPORT ON "TOM SAWYER" IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
Whuh wrong wid it?
YOU WROTE, "BOOK LONG."
AND YOU SPEWED "BOOK" WITH FOUR O's.
Whuh? It have five?

WHERE'S DAD?
SCHOOL. I TOLD HIM IF HE'S NOT GONNA CATCH PREY, HE NEEDS A JOB. AND TO GET A JOB, HE NEEDS TO GO BACK AND FINISH HIS EDUCATION.
BUT DAD DROPPED OUT IN THE FOURTH GRADE.
SO?
NO BEER IN FOURTH GRADE, PLEASE.
Ees okay. Me breeng enough for everyone.

YOU HAVE BEEN STUPID LATELY.
FROM NOW ON,
I WANT THE RIGHT TO VETO THE ONES I DON'T LIKE.
SORRY.
IN THIS CONGRESS,
I'M A MAJORITY OF ONE.
I SEE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IN THIS SO-CALLED 'CONGRESS'
I AM A MAJORITY OF ONE.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.
MY NAME IS ISHMAEL.
SOME YEARS AGO--NEVER MIND HOW LONG PRECISELY--HAVING LITTLE OR NO MONEY IN MY PURSE, AND--
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
READING
'MOBY DICK' IN ITS ENTIRETY.
WHY??
IT'S CALLED
A FILIBUSTER.
YOU CANNOT FILIBUSTER A COMIC STRIP!!
I THOUGHT I WOULD SLOWLY BORE ALL OF YOU,
AND YOU'D LEAVE THE WATER.
GET TO THE WHALE!
GET TO THE WHALE!
GET TO THE WHALE!!

HIYA RAT… I’D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, JACKO THE FIRE-BREATHING DRAGON.
WHY’S HE SO SMALL?
PITUITARY GLAND PROBLEMS. THEY’VE STIFLED HIS GROWTH.
I’LL SAY. ANYTHING ELSE WRONG WITH HIM?
AAAHCHOO
ALLERGIES.

OKAY, TOON BOY, I’VE CHANGED MY NAME AGAIN. IT IS NOW THE SYMBOL FOR CENSORSHIP.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME YOU SAY MY NAME, IT’LL LOOK LIKE WE’RE CUTTING EDGE VANGUARDS OF THE COMICS PAGE. GETTING CENSORED BY ‘THE MAN.’
OH, PLEASE. I AM SO TIRED OF YOU. I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE.
HE’S TIRED OF
YEP. HE CAN’T STAND
I’M GONNA KILL YOU-
HEY HEY... THIS IS A FAMILY NEWSPAPER.

WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT, ZEBRA?
THAT ELEPHANT COP, OFFICER POTUS, IS VISITING THE CROCS NEXT DOOR.
WHO'S OFFICER POTUS?
THE COP THAT'S TRYING TO WORK OUT A COMPROMISE BETWEEN ME AND THE CROCS. BUT I THINK THE CROCS ARE TRYING TO CORRUPT THE PROCESS.
WINK
WINK
WINK
WINK

YO, TOON BOY, BE ADVISED. I HAVE FILED PAPERWORK LEGALLY CHANGING MY NAME TO ____.
YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
I KNOW. MY NAME IS NOW THE SYMBOL FOR EMPTY SPACE...A PAUSE. IF PRINCE CAN CHANGE HIS NAME TO THAT, I CAN BE ____.
BUT IN CONVERSATION THAT WILL JUST SOUND LIKE A PAUSE. SO ANYTIME ANYONE IN THE WORLD PAUSES IN CONVERSATION--
...THEY WILL BE USING MY NAME IN VAIN.
WHY DO I LIVE--
HEY,
-- I THINK STEPH'S CALLING YOU.

YOU AGAIN?
LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY. IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO SUGGEST GIVING THE CROWS A PART OF YOUR BODY TO EAT. JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO EAT MEAT IS NO REASON TO MAKE YOUR LIMBS A PART OF THE COMPROMISE.
THANK YOU.
GOT A SIBLING YOU DON'T LIKE?
PLEASE LEAVE.

MORNING SIR. IT'S ME, OFFICER POTUS. HERE AGAIN TO SEE IF I CAN WORK OUT A COMPROMISE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CROC NEIGHBORS.
NO. THE LAST TIME YOU SUGGESTED I GIVE THEM ONE OF MY HANDS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
WHAT'S WRONG?!? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG!! WHAT IF I GIVE 'EM MY HAND AND THINGS DON'T WORK OUT? ... THEN WHAT? ... GIVE 'EM MY LEGS? ... MAYBE MY HEAD?!?
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE READING MY NOTES.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
TOP O' THE MORNING, SIR... I'M POTUS, THE PACHYDERM PEACE OFFICER... MY CAPTAIN ASKED ME TO COME DOWN HERE AND WORK OUT A COMPROMISE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CROC NEIGHBORS.
FINE WITH ME. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
WELL, SIR, TO BREAK THE ICE, I THINK IT WOULD HELP IF YOU DO SOMETHING FOR THEM. YOU KNOW, GIVE 'EM A HAND.
SURE. BUT WITH WHAT?
NO, NO... GIVE 'EM ONE OF YOUR HANDS.
THAT IS NOT A COMPROMISE.
PLEASE, SIR, YOU'VE GOT TWO.

SIR, THE BATTLE'S OVER. WE TOOK THE HILL.
THE SOUTH DOESN'T TAKE THE HILL IN THIS BATTLE. THE NORTH HOLDS IT.
NOT TODAY, SIR.
HISTORY SCHMISTORY.

YOU KNOW, I LOVE
THESE RE-ENACTMENTS
AS MUCH AS ANYONE,
BUT THIS HARDTACK
IS TOUGH TO EAT.
WELL, IT'S WHAT
YOU GOTTA EAT
IF YOU DON'T
WANNA BE
A FARB.
WHAT'S
A
FARB?
SOMEONE
WHO'S NOT
AUTHENTIC
TO THE ERA.
WE AUTHENTIC
FOLK DESPISE
'EM.
ME
TOO.
MCNUGGET? :)

RATS CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTMENT
MEN, THE YANKS ARE ENTRENCHED ON THAT HILL. BUT TODAY WE CHARGE FOR CONFEDERATE GLORY. FOR OUR WAY OF LIFE, SO LET'S --
Straight outta Compton, another crazy ***
More punks I smoke, yo, My rep gets bigger...
I SHOULD CHANGE THAT RINGTONE.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
DOING ONE OF THOSE CIVIL WAR BATTLE RE-ENACTMENTS.
YOU KNOW, THOSE GUYS TAKE THAT STUFF PRETTY SERIOUSLY. EVERY SINGLE DETAIL HAS TO BE FROM THE 1860S, FROM A SOLDIER'S GLASSES TO HIS SHOES. DOES RAT REALIZE THAT?
OF COURSE HE DOES. WHY?
NIX THE iPOD.
HEY. METALLICA GETS ME PUMPED FOR BATTLE.

GOSH, I SURE LOVE THIS BOOK... THE AUTHOR'S A REAL MASTER OF DRAMATIC IRONY.
I'M SORRY, PIG... I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND ALL ACADEMIC... DO YOU KNOW WHAT IRONY IS?
OH, YES.
USE IT IN A SENTENCE.
THE CARPENTERS NAIL FELT VERY IRONY.
CLAP CLAP
OH!! BRAVO! BRAVO!
LANGUAGE IS SORT OF MY STRENGTH.
CHECK PLEASE.

AND THAT'S WHY I THINK DIMMY DUM FLUM HUM JIMMER JAM HOO HAW,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M THE JIBBERISH DEBATER. WHEN MY OPPONENT MAKES A POINT, I COUNTER IT BY LAPSING INTO GIBBERISH... IT'S DIS-ORIENTING, AND IT'S A VERY SMART STRATEGY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S SMART. I THINK IT'S STUPID.
I RESPECTFULLY CHIMMY CHONG DING DONG.

Okay, zeeba, we crocs tired
of help we get from you
mammal frends, so we geet
reptile frends help keel you.
Is you like keeding, man?... Look, Larry
here have beer wid close frend, Paddy
da Poison Tree Veezard.
And Burt here do high-five wid
Manny da Monitor.
And Bob here enjoy man-hug wid
gud frend, Pertey da ____
Some frendssheeps no meant to
last.

I HAVE A NEW PHILOSOPHY THAT I THINK COULD PROMOTE PEACE AND HARMONY IN THE UNIVERSE.
WHAT IS IT?
GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT!!!
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT EVERYONE SAYING?
NO, NO. ONLY I GET TO SAY IT.

HEWO?
HI, STEPHAN THIS IS JEFF KEANE. I DO THE COMIC "FAMILY CIRCUS"
OH, HI, JEFF. HOW GOES IT?
NOT SO GOOD ACTUALLY. I'M AFRAID ONE OF MY
CHARACTERS, "JEFFY," KEEPS GETTING HIT
IN THE NOSE WITH SUNFLOWER SEEDS.
SUNFLOWER SEEDS? WELL, THAT'S WEIRD...BUT WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?
BET YOU CAN'T HIT HIM IN THE EAR.
WATCH ME.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I HAD TO GO TO --
RARE IS THE COMICS PAGE BIGFOOT SIGHTING.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO MAKE THE KIND OF MONEY THAT JIM DAVIS, MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CREATOR OF "GARFIELD," MAKES?
I'D LOVE TO. HE'S SUPER-SUCCESSFUL. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
STEAL HIS IDENTITY.
Please go away.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO MAKE THE MONEY HE MAKES.
AND IT WOULD BE THE EXACT SAME MONEY!