Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT... WANT
TO JOIN THE
CLIVE RICHARDSON
FAN CLUB?
CLIVE RICHARDSON?
YOU MEAN OUR
NEXT DOOR
NEIGHBOR?
YEAH. WHY?
BECAUSE HE'S GOT FANS.
HE'S JUST A REGULAR GUY.
WE ALL NEED FANS.

WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
FOOSH
RAT REALLY SHOULDN'T BUY BUILD-IT-YOURSELF FURNITURE.
DIE, SHELVING UNIT. DIE!!!

HEY THERE, RAT, TODAY IS “OPPOSITE DAY,” WHERE ALL THE STUFF IN OUR STRIP TURNS OUT THE OPPOSITE OF HOW IT NORMALLY DOES. WANT TO PARTICIPATE?
NO. GET LOST, LOSER.
THINGS ARE DIFFERENT ON ‘OPPOSITE DAY.’

DID YOU BY CHANCE TELL PIG ABOUT AN UPCOMING MOVIE?
YEAH. THE NEW COEN BROTHERS FILM... IT LOOKS GREAT, SO I TOLD HIM TO GO CHECK OUT THE TRAILER... WHY?
BECAUSE YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC.
ABOUT WHAT?
THE FACT THAT IT'S
BOO-OORING.

HI, GOAT, CAN I INTEREST YOU IN OUR NEW PRODUCT? IT'S BOTTLED WATER. SEE, IT'S GOT A BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAIN SPRING ON THE LABEL. I EVEN GAVE IT A FANCY FRENCH-SOUNDING NAME: 'LE LAVABO.'
'LeLAVABO' MEANS 'BATHROOM SINK.'
NUTS. I'VE GIVEN AWAY MY SECRET SOURCE.
GO AWAY.
IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, SOME OF IT COMES FROM OUR TUB.

DID YOU KNOW THAT SOME BOTTLED WATER IS JUST CITY WATER RE-PACKAGED?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? YOU MEAN SOME GUYS JUST BOTTLE THE STUFF I ALREADY GET OUT OF MY OWN TAP AND SELL IT BACK TO ME FOR A HIGHER PRICE?
YUP. HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
FILL, YOU FAT PIG, FILL!!!
RAT WATER, INC.

Oooohhh...
WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, PIG?
A 3D FILM... IT'S INCREDIBLE.
WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE IN 3D NOW? IT'S BORING IF YOU ASK ME.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT UNTIL I WATCHED THIS ONE RAT TOLD ME TO WATCH... IT'S GREAT.
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT IT?
WELL, WHEN YOU SEE AN OBJECT ON THE SCREEN, IT REALLY FEELS LIKE IT'S FLYING RIGHT TOWARD YOUR FACE... LIKE, LOOK AT THAT CAN...
CLANG
WOW! THAT WAS JUST LIKE THE SHOE!
PIG...THAT'S JUST
SHHHHH

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
AT HOME. I'VE BEEN SPENDING EVERY SINGLE MORNING LISTENING TO THIS REALLY CALMING
RADIO STATION.
OH, YEAH? DO YOU KNOW THE FREQUENCY?
I JUST TOLD YOU.
TOLD ME WHAT?
I LISTEN TO IT EVERY SINGLE MORNING.
DO YOU KNOW THE FREQUENCY WITH WHICH I WANT TO PUNCH YOU ANGRILY IN THE HEAD?
OOOH. HAVE I GOT THE RADIO STATION FOR YOU.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB. HOW GOES IT?
GREAT, PIG...JUST GOT BACK FROM VACATION. I WAS ABLE TO TAKE A TON OF GOOD PHOTOS. HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.
IT'S THE BEST WAY TO HANDLE THAT.

WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU BECOME MIDDLE-AGED?
WHEN ON A SUMMER VACATION, YOU TUCK A COLLARED SHIRT INTO KHAKI SHORTS HELD UP BY A BELT.
OKAY, SWEETIE, "FROMMER'S" SAYS THE VIEW HERE IS DELIGHTFUL.
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU'RE ACCURATE.
NEW, SIR, THAT'S A HAT YOU WOULDN'T HAVE WORN WHEN YOU STILL CARED.

HEY, DAD...WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR VICE PRESIDENT'S HAT?
Me got kicked out. Me no want talk about it.
GEE DAD, I'M SORRY. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW?
Me form own club. Club One Guy. Is guy who juss sit alone in box.
CAN IT BE "CLUB TWO GUY"?
Okay. But me gonna have to change stationery.

LARRY, THE KIDS' CLUB TREEHOUSE HAS VOTED TO KICK YOU OUT OF THE GROUP. PLEASE TURN IN YOUR HAT.
HA! Me keck "YOU out". Me gett frends help me een beeeg coup!
Larry, you're mistakenly pronouncing the "P" in "coup". The "P" is silent. So when you say it your way, it has a whole different meaning.
HA! Whuh da heck you know, Meester Inteelektual?
How dis help larry?

EXCUSE ME, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT I'D LIKE TO MAKE A MOTION THAT WE IMPEACH VICE PRESIDENT LARRY, I SUSPECT HIM OF DISLOYALTY.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
Me juss doing leetle pruning.
Club

HEY, PIG, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND, IRA GLASS. HE'S THE HOST OF MY FAVORITE RADIO SHOW, 'THIS AMERICAN LIFE'.
HI... IT'S REALLY NICE TO--
FIRE! FIRE!
PIG! PIG! WHAT THE @#%*$# ARE YOU--
HEY... FIRES OUT...
I'M A HERO.
I AM SO, SO SORRY.

PIG, TAKE A MEMO... "I HAVE A FINAL WISH THAT I'D LIKE YOU, MY FRIENDS, TO TAKE NOTE OF AND FULFILL SHOULD I DIE AN UNTIMELY DEATH.
SURE, RAT, WHAT IS IT?
I'D LIKE YOU, TOO, TO STOP LIVING.
YOU MIGHT BE A LITTLE VAIN.
OH, AND MAKE THE WORLD STOP. IT SHOULDN'T GO ON WITHOUT ME.
STOP... WHOLE... WORLD...

HEY, CARTOON BOY, THERE'S A WORD FOR WHEN A PERSON HAS TO GO NUMBER TWO THAT BEGINS WITH A "P". CAN WE USE IT ON THE COMICS PAGE OR WILL THE "MAN" STOP US?
WE CAN'T USE IT.
GEE, THAT'S STRICT. AM I ALLOWED TO SHOW YOU THE DIFFERENT PARTS OF THIS MODEL SHIP I JUST BUILT OR IS THAT BANNED TOO?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT HAS TO DO WITH YOUR LAST QUESTION, BUT YEAH, OF COURSE YOU CAN.
GOOD. THAT'S THE POOP DECK.
ENOUGH.
A WHOLE DECK FOR THAT?

Hey, leetle duck... Me know you like fat peggy guy, but me want buy you services for eemportant meestun.
Hmmm. Let me think about that.
Is you done tinkng?

HEY, PIG. WHERE YOU BEEN?
GETTING MY TOMBSTONE MADE...I ALWAYS LIKE TO PLAN AHEAD...I TOLD THE GUY TO GIVE ME A REAL NICE EPITHET.
"EPITAPH"..."EPITHET" IS AN INSULT.
NUTS.
PIG A #$&@*# IDIOT

Okay, guys, Meester Vice
Presydent Larry ask you
here becus me need you help
een very eemportant meester.
Whuh dat?
Me revalting.
No, you not,
Larry. You
juss leetle
bit ugly.
Mebbe me
no need
you help,
Bob.
Mebbe juss
geet new face,
you be okay,
Larry.

LISTEN, LARRY...
"Meester Vice Preesydent Larry."
OH, GIVE IT UP, LARRY. I'M NOT GONNA CALL YOU "MR. VICE PRESIDENT." YOU'RE THE VICE-PRESIDENT OF A LITTLE KID'S TREEHOUSE.
For now.
FOR NOW?
Me gonna stage coup.
GET OUT OF THE BED, LARRY.
"Meester Vice Preesydent Larry."

LISTEN, RAT… YOU NEED TO START THINKING ABOUT YOUR CAREER PATH WITH JOE'S ROASTERY… IT OFFERS GREAT BENEFITS.

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS…
I ACT LIKE SOMEONE I'M NOT TO GET AHEAD… YOU ACT LIKE SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT TO GET AHEAD.

WE BOTH PRETEND LIKE WE CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER'S FAMILIES. WE SOMETIMES GRAB A BEER.

WE GO TO THE PARTIES WE HAVE TO. WE SMILE WHEN WE NEED TO. WE PRAISE WHO WE HAVE TO.

WE ACT LIKE TEAM PLAYERS. WE BITE OUR TONGUES. AND WE HIDE OUR INDIVIDUALITY FOR FORTY YEARS.
THEN WE DIE.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M GONNA SELL ALL MY POSSESSIONS AND BACKPACK THROUGH NEPAL.
I'M GOOD FOR MORALE.

HEY, NEIGHBOR BOB... HOW'S YOUR SON, WILLY?
OH, GREAT, PIG. HE JUST TURNED TWELVE AND STARTED SEVENTH GRADE.
TWELVE, HUH? WHAT A WONDERFUL AGE! YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS, SOCCER, VIDEO GAMES, SUMMER CAMP... IS HE ENJOYING IT ALL?
OH, YEAH... AND ALL I'VE ASKED HIM TO DO IS TO MAKE SURE HE MAINTAINS A PERFECT 4.0...
YAAAY, CHILDHOOD.
OH ... HI, WILLY.
SHHHH. HE WON'T GET INTO YALE.

HI. GIMME AN ICED DOUBLE TALL NONFAT TO VANILLA LATTE.
OKAY, BUT LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION FIRST…
YOU EVER HAD A HIGH-MAINTENANCE GIRLFRIEND?
YEAH, A WHILE BACK, I GUESS, BUT WE BROKE UP… WAIT…
WHY YOU ASKING ME THIS?
BECAUSE YOU’RE A HIGH-MAINTENANCE CUSTOMER,
AND I’M BREAKING UP WITH YOU.
GIMME MY COFFEE.
CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, RAT?
FINE. BUT DON’T SERVE THE UGLY MAN.
WE’RE BROKEN UP.

EXCUSE ME, RAT, BUT DO YOU KNOW WHY THERE'S A CUSTOMER SITTING IN OUR STORAGE ROOM?
OH, THAT GUY? YEAH, HE HAD A VERY COMPLICATED DRINK ORDER.
SO?
SO I GAVE HIM A TIME-OUT.
WE DO NOT DISCIPLINE OUR CUSTOMERS.
WHICH IS WHY THEY'RE OUT OF CONTROL.
MAY I COME OUT NOW?

HI, I'D LIKE A GRANDE, ONE PUMP,
VANILLA, NONFAT, CARAMEL MACCHIATO.
AND I'D LIKE WORLD PEACE,
BUT LO, IT'S NOT TO BE.
I TAKE IT
I'M NOT GETTING
MY ORDER.
SHHHH. I'M
WISHING FOR
UNICORNS TO
DANCE UPON
YOUR HEAD.