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YO, TOON BOY, BE ADVISED. I HAVE FILED PAPERWORK LEGALLY CHANGING MY NAME TO ____.
YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING.
I KNOW. MY NAME IS NOW THE SYMBOL FOR EMPTY SPACE...A PAUSE. IF PRINCE CAN CHANGE HIS NAME TO THAT, I CAN BE ____.
BUT IN CONVERSATION THAT WILL JUST SOUND LIKE A PAUSE. SO ANYTIME ANYONE IN THE WORLD PAUSES IN CONVERSATION--
...THEY WILL BE USING MY NAME IN VAIN.
WHY DO I LIVE--
HEY,
-- I THINK STEPH'S CALLING YOU.

YOU AGAIN?
LISTEN, I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M SORRY. IT WAS WRONG OF ME TO SUGGEST GIVING THE CROWS A PART OF YOUR BODY TO EAT. JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO EAT MEAT IS NO REASON TO MAKE YOUR LIMBS A PART OF THE COMPROMISE.
THANK YOU.
GOT A SIBLING YOU DON'T LIKE?
PLEASE LEAVE.

MORNING SIR. IT'S ME, OFFICER POTUS. HERE AGAIN TO SEE IF I CAN WORK OUT A COMPROMISE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CROC NEIGHBORS.
NO. THE LAST TIME YOU SUGGESTED I GIVE THEM ONE OF MY HANDS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
WHAT'S WRONG?!? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S WRONG!! WHAT IF I GIVE 'EM MY HAND AND THINGS DON'T WORK OUT? ... THEN WHAT? ... GIVE 'EM MY LEGS? ... MAYBE MY HEAD?!?
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE READING MY NOTES.

HI. CAN I HELP YOU?
TOP O' THE MORNING, SIR... I'M POTUS, THE PACHYDERM PEACE OFFICER... MY CAPTAIN ASKED ME TO COME DOWN HERE AND WORK OUT A COMPROMISE BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CROC NEIGHBORS.
FINE WITH ME. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
WELL, SIR, TO BREAK THE ICE, I THINK IT WOULD HELP IF YOU DO SOMETHING FOR THEM. YOU KNOW, GIVE 'EM A HAND.
SURE. BUT WITH WHAT?
NO, NO... GIVE 'EM ONE OF YOUR HANDS.
THAT IS NOT A COMPROMISE.
PLEASE, SIR, YOU'VE GOT TWO.

SIR, THE BATTLE'S OVER. WE TOOK THE HILL.
THE SOUTH DOESN'T TAKE THE HILL IN THIS BATTLE. THE NORTH HOLDS IT.
NOT TODAY, SIR.
HISTORY SCHMISTORY.

YOU KNOW, I LOVE
THESE RE-ENACTMENTS
AS MUCH AS ANYONE,
BUT THIS HARDTACK
IS TOUGH TO EAT.
WELL, IT'S WHAT
YOU GOTTA EAT
IF YOU DON'T
WANNA BE
A FARB.
WHAT'S
A
FARB?
SOMEONE
WHO'S NOT
AUTHENTIC
TO THE ERA.
WE AUTHENTIC
FOLK DESPISE
'EM.
ME
TOO.
MCNUGGET? :)

RATS CIVIL WAR RE-ENACTMENT
MEN, THE YANKS ARE ENTRENCHED ON THAT HILL. BUT TODAY WE CHARGE FOR CONFEDERATE GLORY. FOR OUR WAY OF LIFE, SO LET'S --
Straight outta Compton, another crazy ***
More punks I smoke, yo, My rep gets bigger...
I SHOULD CHANGE THAT RINGTONE.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
DOING ONE OF THOSE CIVIL WAR BATTLE RE-ENACTMENTS.
YOU KNOW, THOSE GUYS TAKE THAT STUFF PRETTY SERIOUSLY. EVERY SINGLE DETAIL HAS TO BE FROM THE 1860S, FROM A SOLDIER'S GLASSES TO HIS SHOES. DOES RAT REALIZE THAT?
OF COURSE HE DOES. WHY?
NIX THE iPOD.
HEY. METALLICA GETS ME PUMPED FOR BATTLE.

GOSH, I SURE LOVE THIS BOOK... THE AUTHOR'S A REAL MASTER OF DRAMATIC IRONY.
I'M SORRY, PIG... I DON'T MEAN TO SOUND ALL ACADEMIC... DO YOU KNOW WHAT IRONY IS?
OH, YES.
USE IT IN A SENTENCE.
THE CARPENTERS NAIL FELT VERY IRONY.
CLAP CLAP
OH!! BRAVO! BRAVO!
LANGUAGE IS SORT OF MY STRENGTH.
CHECK PLEASE.

AND THAT'S WHY I THINK DIMMY DUM FLUM HUM JIMMER JAM HOO HAW,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M THE JIBBERISH DEBATER. WHEN MY OPPONENT MAKES A POINT, I COUNTER IT BY LAPSING INTO GIBBERISH... IT'S DIS-ORIENTING, AND IT'S A VERY SMART STRATEGY.
I DON'T THINK IT'S SMART. I THINK IT'S STUPID.
I RESPECTFULLY CHIMMY CHONG DING DONG.

Okay, zeeba, we crocs tired
of help we get from you
mammal frends, so we geet
reptile frends help keel you.
Is you like keeding, man?... Look, Larry
here have beer wid close frend, Paddy
da Poison Tree Veezard.
And Burt here do high-five wid
Manny da Monitor.
And Bob here enjoy man-hug wid
gud frend, Pertey da ____
Some frendssheeps no meant to
last.

I HAVE A NEW PHILOSOPHY THAT I THINK COULD PROMOTE PEACE AND HARMONY IN THE UNIVERSE.
WHAT IS IT?
GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT!!!
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT EVERYONE SAYING?
NO, NO. ONLY I GET TO SAY IT.

HEWO?
HI, STEPHAN THIS IS JEFF KEANE. I DO THE COMIC "FAMILY CIRCUS"
OH, HI, JEFF. HOW GOES IT?
NOT SO GOOD ACTUALLY. I'M AFRAID ONE OF MY
CHARACTERS, "JEFFY," KEEPS GETTING HIT
IN THE NOSE WITH SUNFLOWER SEEDS.
SUNFLOWER SEEDS? WELL, THAT'S WEIRD...BUT WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?
BET YOU CAN'T HIT HIM IN THE EAR.
WATCH ME.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I HAD TO GO TO --
RARE IS THE COMICS PAGE BIGFOOT SIGHTING.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO MAKE THE KIND OF MONEY THAT JIM DAVIS, MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CREATOR OF "GARFIELD," MAKES?
I'D LOVE TO. HE'S SUPER-SUCCESSFUL. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
STEAL HIS IDENTITY.
Please go away.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO MAKE THE MONEY HE MAKES.
AND IT WOULD BE THE EXACT SAME MONEY!

LOOK AT THIS STORY. THESE LIONS IN KENYA ARE ENDANGERED BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ENOUGH ZEBRAS TO EAT, SO KENYAN WILDLIFE OFFICIALS ARE TRANSPORTING ZEBRAS TO THEM.
SO?
SO WHAT ABOUT THE RIGHTS OF THE ZEBRAS? ARE WE JUST FOOD? DO WE JUST LIVE TO BE SOMEONE'S DINNER? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS?
OOOAAAH... ME FEEL SO ENDANGERED IT NOT EVEN FUNNY.
ME WORSE.
ME WORSE.

NO ROADS LEAD THERE, DO THEY?
HEY, I SAID I WAS CYNICAL.
I WILL FIND A WAY!!

I AM HERE TO WORK ON MY RESUME. I WILL FINISH MY RESUME.

PING!

OOH! AN EMAIL. COULD BE IMPORTANT.

HEY, IT'S GOT A "YOU'RE" LINK. GOTTA WATCH IT.

HAHA. THAT'S GREAT. HEY, THEY'VE GOT MORE LIKE THAT.

I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THIS SHOW. I'LL WIKIPEDIA IT.

WAIT. THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT GUY, BUT WHO'S THAT GIRL? SHE'S HOT.

I'LL 'GOOGLE IMAGE' HER.

OOO... LOOK AT THESE PHOTOS. I'LL POST 'EM ON "FACEBOOK".

HEY, I GOT A FRIEND REQUEST.

WAIT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY.

I SHOULD 'GOOGLE' HIM.

WHOA. HE'S A FREAK.

I'LL WRITE ABOUT HIM ON MY BLOG.

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT MY BLOG. I SHOULD 'GOOGLE' MYSELF.

NO NO NO... IT'S RESUME TIME... DO RESUME.

PING!

OOH! AN EMAIL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
WATCHING PBS... THEY’RE GONNA SHOW M.L.K.’S “I HAVE A DREAM” SPEECH.
OH, I LOVE THAT!
YOU DO?
OH, YEAH, THE WAY SHE ANNOYED HER MASTER AND WORE THOSE BIG PUFFY PANTS.
THAT’S “I DREAM OF JEANNIE”.
OH... THIS MUST BE A SPIN-OFF.

EXCUSE ME, STEPH, BUT MAY I USE TODAY'S STRIP TO SEND A KIND MESSAGE TO ALL THE WONDERFUL MANUFACTURERS OF FINE PRODUCTS THAT COME IN NEAT LITTLE ENCASED PLASTIC PACKAGES?
SURE, WHAT?
WE CAN'T &#%@!-ING OPEN THEM!!!
I WOULD'VE USED MY NEW MEGAPHONE, BUT I COULDN'T OPEN THE PACKAGE.

SO DO YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY CHESS, PIG?
OF COURSE I KNOW HOW.
THEN WHY ARE YOU CIRCLING YOUR PIECE AROUND THE BOARD?
BECAUSE BAMBI'S LOOKING FOR HIS MOTHER.
THEY'RE HORSES, NOT DEER, AND MY BISHOP KILLED THE OTHER ONE.
YOU KILLED BAMBI'S MOTHER??!!

WHAT YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
THE TOWEL ROLL O' EVIL. A GIANT PAPER TOWEL ROLL WHERE I KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE BACKSTABBERS AND CONNIVERS WHO HAVE DONE ME WRONG IN LIFE.
BUT NOT EVERYONE IN LIFE IS A BACKSTABBER OR A CONNIVER. SOME PEOPLE ARE LOVING AND HELPFUL. WHERE DO YOU KEEP THEIR NAMES?
THE TOOTSIE ROLL O' KINDNESS.

HELLO. I'M R. RUTHERFORD SHRIMP, FOUNDER OF SHRIMPS FOR A BETTER FUTURE, AND I'M CIRCULATING A PETITION TO BAN THE CONSUMPTION OF SHRIMP ON THE GROUND THAT WE ARE LIVING BEINGS WITH RIGHTS THAT MUST BE RESPECTED.
THEN WHY ON EARTH DO THEY EAT YOU?
SIMPLY BECAUSE WE ARE TASTY.
HE HAD ME UP TO TASTY.

THE NOBEL PRIZE IS A JOKE... I MEAN, WHY THE @#$% DON'T I HAVE ONE YET?
YOU KNOW, RAT, YOUR EGO IS OUT OF CONTROL. YOU EVER HEARD OF HUMILITY?
YES. HUMILITY IS WHAT YOU STRIVE FOR WHEN YOU'VE FAILED AT EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'VE ACHIEVED SOMETHING!!
THAT'S NOT IT.
FINE. YOU'VE STUMPED ME.

HULLOOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBO. LEESTEN. WE CROCS LEERL TIDE YOU ATTREEVEE.
YEAH, WELL, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU TOO.
YEAH, WELL, WE HATE YOU MORE. SO EEDER YOU IS CHANGE OR LARRY HERE WRITE TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT YOU AND YOU STOOOPID FACE.
YEAH, WELL I SUGGEST YOU GET A GHOST WRITER BECAUSE NONE OF YOU CROCS IS SMART ENOUGH TO READ A BOOK, MUCH LESS WRITE A BOOK.
OHHHH, WE NO SMAR ENOUGH, HUH? WELL, DAT EEAXK KIND OF RUDENESS WE IS TALK ABOUT EEN BOOK. RIGHT, LARRY?
BOO.
DAT NO WHAT GHOST WRITER IS, LARRY.
GUD. CAUSE IT HARD TO WRITE WID SHEET ON, HEH BOB.