Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT, THIS IS BEANIE THE BEAR. HE'S AN ACCOUNTANT. I TOLD HIM WE NEEDED SOMEONE TO DO OUR TAXES AND HE SAID HE COULD DO IT.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ARE YOUR STRENGTHS?
I'M HONEST.
I'M DILIGENT.
I'M GOOD WITH NUMBERS.
ANY DRAWBACKS?
I'M ASLEEP FROM NOVEMBER THROUGH MARCH.
BUT HE REALLY PICKS IT UP POST-HIBERNATION.

WHAT AM I DOING?
PUTTING UP MY HOMEMADE TEXAS A & M AGGIES FLAG.
SINCE WHEN ARE YOU AN AGGIES FAN?
SINCE I SAW THEIR LOGO ON SOMETHING AND THOUGHT IT WAS AN A.T.M. MACHINE. NOW I JUST LIKE THE WAY IT LOOKS.
YEAH, WELL, THEIR COLORS ARE MAROON AND WHITE, NOT GREEN. SO TAKE IT DOWN BEFORE SOME AGGIE FAN THINKS YOU'RE A MORON.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW. CAN I PUT UP MY MIA HAMM POSTER INSTEAD?
DUDE, SHE HASN'T PLAYED IN YEARS.
SO YOU DON'T KNOW THIS EITHER?
NO, BUT SHE'S SO GREAT. AND IT'S NOT A FLAG. I MEAN, HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE THEM?
BECAUSE BUT WHY NOT?
BECAUSE I DO NOT LIKE GREEN AGS AND HAMM!!!
ONE FISH, TWO FISH, RED FISH, DEAD FISH.

RAT'S PRACTICING NOT BLINKING.
WHY?
IT MAKES HIS EYES TEAR UP.
WHY WOULD HE WANT THAT?
I KNOW IT'S JUST A FIRST DATE, BUT I MUST SAY, YOUR SENSITIVITY IS VERY ATTRACTIVE.
I FEEL TOO MUCH.

THANKS FOR HELPING ME MAKE A MONTHLY BUDGET, GOAT... I'M TERRIBLE WITH FINANCES.
NO PROBLEM, PIG. I THINK IT'LL BE EASIER FOR YOU IF WE REPRESENT THINGS WITH GRAPHS.
OH, ME TOO. MUCH EASIER.
ALRIGHT, NOW, YOU SEE THAT BIG SLICE I'VE TAKEN OUT OF YOUR MONTHLY INCOME? I'D LIKE YOU TO TAKE THIS PEN AND WRITE UP THERE WHAT YOU THINK IT REPRESENTS.
NO.
SEE, THERE GOES MY MONEY...
WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA WOCKA

WHAT HAPPENED TO PIG'S ATTEMPT TO PICK UP WOMEN WITH HIS "BRILLO" PAD WIG?
DIDN'T WORK. SO NOW HE'S GONE BACK TO HIS OLD GIRLFRIEND, PIGITA.
GEEZ, AFTER ALL THAT, WHAT'D SHE WANT HIM BACK FOR?
SCRUB
SCRUB
SCRUB
SCRUB

BAD NEWS, SIR...IN MY NEVER-ENDING WAR AGAINST RUDE NEIGHBORS, I SOMETIMES HAVE TROUBLE TELLING THE FRIENDLY HOUSES FROM THE UNFRIENDLY ONES.
OH, NO, SO WHAT DO YOU DO?
I SHOOT THEM ALL.
SUDDENLY, I FEEL LIKE DENNIS THE MENACE.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM, BUT I COULDN'T HELP NOTICE YOU'RE STARING AT MY LUXURIOUS MANE. IF YOU'RE FINDING IT IRRESISTIBLE, FEEL FREE TO HUG ME AND TAKE ME HOME WITH YOU.
WHY WOULD I TAKE SOMEONE HOME WITH ME WHO HAS 'BRILLO' PADS STUCK TO HIS HEAD?
BECAUSE AFTER WE'RE DONE HUGGING, YOU CAN TURN ME UPSIDE DOWN AND CLEAN YOUR SINK.
IT'S AN ADDED FEATURE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
IT'S MY NEW LOOK. I'M "MACHO HAIRY PIG." I DID IT SO THE LADIES WILL FIND ME IRRESISTIBLY HUGGABLE.
THAT'S NOT HAIR. YOU JUST STUCK A BOX'S WORTH OF 'BRILLO' PADS TO YOUR HEAD.
SO MUCH FOR SAVING MONEY ON HAIR PLUGS.

Zeeba!
WHAT?
Save environment!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
PUT BOB EEN YOUR HOUSE. BE FRIEND TO BOB.
WHAT'S BOB HAVE TO DO WITH SAVING THE ENVIRONMENT?
You be Bob friend. Bob green-friendly.
THAT IS NOT WHAT 'GREEN-
WHOA WHOA WHOA. Calm you face down. Have cup o' coffee.
IS THAT A POLYSTYRENE FOAM CUP?
Who know? Best ees use anyt'ing 'cause when we done, we t'rew on ground. Wind blow away.
I'M LEAVING NOW.
Hey, lary, look... Stoopid tree stop 'ere.
Here. Chap t'ree down.

OH, GREAT... WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, YOU DUMB PIG? SELLING PEOPLE COMPLIMENTS FOR A BUCK?
NO, I'M BUYING! I GIVE YOU A DOLLAR, SEE, AND YOU SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT ME!
A DOLLAR? OH, YOU SAD, LONELY, HOMELY, PATHETIC LARDBUTT.
I'D LIKE A REFUND.

WHY MUST A SMART GUY LIKE ME LIVE IN A WORLD FILLED WITH IDIOTS?
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT OFFENDING PEOPLE WHEN YOU SAY STUFF LIKE THAT? AFTER ALL, THIS COMIC IS SEEN BY MILLIONS OF NEWSPAPER READERS.
ARE YOU NUTS? YOU CAN ALWAYS MAKE FUN OF IDIOTS, BECAUSE NO ONE THINKS THEY ARE AN IDIOT... I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE SOME GUY WRITING A LETTER TO THE EDITOR THAT BEGINS... "DEAR SIR, AS AN IDIOT, I WAS GREATLY OFFENDED BY..."
...the comic strip "Pearls Before Swine."

PIGITA, I WANT TO BREAK UP WITH YOU. I HAVE NEEDS. AND YOU'RE NOT FULFILLING THEM.
OH, YOU HAVE NEEDS, DO YOU? TELL ME, MR. STILL-HASN'T-ASKED-ME-TO-MARRY-HIM, WHAT NEEDS ARE THOSE?
'CHUTES AND LADDERS.' TWO GAMES A WEEK.
NEVER MIND.
IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HAVING TO BE MARRIED, THOUGH.

PIG DISCOVERED HE HAS A BOUNCY BUTT. HE THINKS IT'S A SUPERPOWER.
A SUPERPOWER? YOU DON'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY, DO YOU?
BOUNCY BUTT!
BOUNCY BUTT!
BOUNCY BUTT!
I KINDA DO.
MY BUTTOCKS SHALL DEFEAT YOU!!!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I JUST DISCOVERED IF I JUMP IN THE AIR AND LAND ON MY BUTTOCKS, IT DOESN’T HURT!
THAT JUST MEANS YOUR BUTT IS NOW SO INSANELY FAT THAT IT PROVIDES A TOTAL CUSHION AGAINST ANY IMPACT.
I’M CALLING IT A SUPERPOWER.

HEY, PIG. GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME DYE THESE EGGS.
CAN'T. I HAVE A DATE WITH PIGITA, AND IF I'M LATE SHE'LL BE UPSET.
I DON'T CARE. HELP.
ALRIGHT. LEMME JUST CALL HER.
PIGITA? HI... I'M GONNA BE LATE... I'M DYEING.
SHE TOOK IT WORSE THAN I THOUGHT.

I, RAT CREMITUS, HAVE WRITTEN OUT THE MATHEMATICS OF DOING GOOD FOR YOUR FELLOW MAN.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!
I'LL SHOW YOU. SEE, I START WITH THE SIMPLE PRINCIPLE THAT GIVING TO OTHERS PRODUCES GOOD.
GIVING TO OTHERS = GOOD
BUT THEN I HAVE TO ACCOUNT FOR THE SLUTH COROLLARY.
GIVING TO OTHERS = MAKES THEM LAZY
AND THE HAPPINESS PRINCIPLE.
I HAVE = I AM HAPPY
I AM GIVING = AWAY MONEY = SAD
AND THE FUTILITY ALGORITHM.
WORLD'S PROBLEMS = LARGE
INDIVIDUAL = DROP IN BUCKET
THEN I ADD IT ALL UP, CARRY THE 5, DIVIDE BY 2, AND ARRIVE AT MY GRAND THEOREM OF HOW ONE SHOULD CONDUCT ONSELF.
WHICH IS WHAT?
DO NOTHING.
HOW NICE AND COMPACT.
HOW OBVIOUS.
WELL...YOU GUYS HAVE FUN. NEARLY NOTHING YOU CAN JUST SIT AROUND AND DRINK BEER.

Me worried, Bob... Ever
seence you get newtered,
you not look like newt.
You juss act like woomun.
Dat reely teek me off,
Larry. Me not woomun.
Me is no even want see
you anymore....
Whuh dat?
'Tinking of
you' card.
You change,
Bob.
Open card.
It play
pretty
song.

BOB GETS 'NEWTERED'
Whuh happen you, Bob? You still has Bob face. Me tot you go to plasteec surgeon to be like newt.
Newts has high voice.

Hey, Larry...look dis
pecture of leetle newt...
Newts has cool snake
face. Me want look
cool like newt.
Geet
plasteec
surgeon
change
for you,
Bob.
Yeah?
Whuh
me
tell
heem?
Go een and say,
"Hi, my name Bob.
Me want be
neutered."
UHH,
DAD...
Peese, son, no
interrupt.
Yeah...Whuh
me got
lose?

RAT GOT A JOB.
DOING WHAT?
HE'S THE GUY THAT GETS THOSE "UNSUBSCRIBE" E-MAILS YOU SEND WHEN YOU'RE REALLY UPSET AND NO LONGER WANT TO BE ON SOME COMPANY'S JUNK E-MAIL LIST... HE HAS TO RESPOND TO EACH ANGRY E-MAIL.
OH, YEAH? HOW'S HE RESPOND?
AH HA HA

ANNOUNCEMENT: I HAVE SEEN TWO FRENCH FILMS. FROM THAT, I HAVE CONCLUDED THAT ALL FRENCH FILMS ARE ABOUT NOTHING.
OH, PLEASE. YOU EVER THINK YOU MIGHT BE WRONG?
LISTEN. WHENEVER YOU THINK I MIGHT BE WRONG, I WANT YOU TO THINK OF HALEY'S COMET.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT ONLY HAPPENS ONCE EVERY 76 YEARS.
ANNOUNCEMENT: I AM LEAVING.
ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE ABOUT AS INTERESTING AS A FRENCH FILM?

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
OH, MAN, I'M JUST GLUED TO THE T.V.
OH, YEAH? ... ARE YOU WATCHING 'ENTOURAGE' ALSO?
NO. I ACCIDENTALLY GLUED MY HEAD TO THE T.V.
I NEED SMARTER FRIENDS.

WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR EAR?
BLUETOOTH. I'VE FORMED MY OWN PUBLIC RELATIONS AGENCY, AND I NEED TO BE IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION. THIS IS MY FIRST CLIENT, MR. G. DUCK.
GUARD DUCK?
WHY'D YOU HIRE RAT?
I HAD A LITTLE INCIDENT, AND NOW EVERYBODY'S IN A TIZZY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS GOOFING AROUND IN AN F-16 FIGHTER JET AND I PASSED A BUTTON THAT SAID LAUNCH. AND, WELL... I BLEW UP DOWNTOWN...
YOU BLEW UP...
UH UH UH UH UH
MY CLIENT COMMENCED THE REVITALIZATION OF THE CITY'S ONCE-THRIVING COMMERCIAL DISTRICT.
SOME PEOPLE GET PERMITS
MISSILES ARE QUICKER.
URBAN RENEWAL: IT CAN'T WAIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BUCKET OF CASH, PIG?
I WAS GONNA GO GAMBLE AT THAT NEW CASINO DOWNTOWN, BUT IT'S SUCH A LONG DRIVE, I FIGURED I'D SAVE TIME AND GAS BY JUST STAYING HOME AND SETTING FIRE TO MY MONEY IN THE BACKYARD.
AND TO THINK YOU USED TO CALL ME DUMB.

DO YOU THINK FLAMENCO DANCERS ARE INTIMIDATING?
INTIMIDATING?
YEAH... LIKE IF SOMEONE CHALLENGED YOU TO A BAR FIGHT, AND YOU STRUCK A FLAMENCO POSE, WOULD THAT INTIMIDATE THEM?
OF COURSE NOT. IT'S A DANCE.
TOLD YOU.
CARE TO STEP OUTSIDE?
YES. BECAUSE I'M LEAVING.