Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
IT'S MY DECEASED FRIEND, WILLY THE WOODPECKER. I GUESS HE JUST WORE HIMSELF OUT CONSTANTLY BANGING HIS FOREHEAD INTO A TREE.
WOODPECKERS DON'T USE THEIR FOREHEADS. THEY USE THEIR BEAKS.
WILLY WOULD HAVE FOUND THAT INFORMATION USEFUL.

Whuh you dooeng, Larry?
Me hiding een zeeba garbage. When zeeba empty trash, he ees keel.
Dat great idea. Me hide een one next you.
@#!*% YOU, @#!*%!!
Dat guy reelly ees grouch.

SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HIT OR STAY?
WELL, LET'S SEE, I'VE GOT A MR. JACK AND AN ACE...SO MAYBE I SHOULD STAY?
OHHHH...YOU DON'T WANT MR. JACK TO BE LONELY, DO YOU? HE'S GOT NO PEOPLE FRIENDS.
THEN GIVE MY JACKIE PEOPLE FRIENDS!
TWO KINGS!
SIR, YOU'RE LOSING ALL YOUR--
JACKIE'S GOT SOME PEOPLE FRIENDS!

WHY DO YOU HAVE A
SLOT MACHINE IN
YOUR LIVING ROOM?
WE FOUND AN
INDIAN BASKET IN
OUR BACKYARD.
OUR HOUSE IS
NOW A CASINO.
AN INDIAN BASKET? DID YOU LOOK
ON THE BOTTOM OF THIS? IT SAYS
"MACY'S."
SO THAT
WAS OUR
TRIBE.
THAT IS
NOT A
TRIBE.
HOW
FIERCE
WERE
THESE
MACY'S?

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
IT'S AN INDIAN BASKET. I WAS DIGGING IN OUR BACKYARD AND I FOUND IT.
AN INDIAN BASKET? THIS MUST HAVE ONCE BEEN THE HOME OF A NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBE... DO YOU REALIZE HOW CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT THIS IS? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.
NO.
AND LOOK! RAT FOUND A BLACKJACK TABLE!

Hullo zeeba neighba. Dis Pastor Bob. He say you commit sin by no being courteous to crocs. But ees okay eef you confess sins, get penance.
WHAT'S THE PENANCE FOR NOT BEING COURTEOUS?
Four hour on “Barbecue O’ Forgeeveness.”
Dat one sacraleigious zeeba.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOING TO THE QUEST FOR THE PERFECT BEA ARTHUR. I'M TAKING MY PAL FLOYD. HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE IT.
WHO'S BEA ARTHUR?
THE WOMAN FROM 'MAUDE' AND 'THE GOLDEN GIRLS'... THE GOAL IS TO LOOK LIKE HER, BUT NOT OVERDO IT.
HOW COULD YOU OVERDO IT?
SOME PEOPLE DRESS EXACTLY LIKE SHE DID ON THE SHOWS. THAT LOOKS TOO CORNY.
SO WHAT DO YOU TRY TO DO?
BE CASUAL. YOU KNOW, LOOK LIKE BEA ARTHUR, BUT NOT LOOK LIKE BEA ARTHUR... SO DO YOU THINK I OVERDID IT?
I THINK THAT ISN'T WHAT I'M SHOOTING FOR. I'M SHOOTING FOR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF BEA ARTHUR.
SO WHY ARE YOU ASKING US?
TO BEA OR NOT TO BEA? THAT IS THE QUEST, CHAN.
WHICH ONE'S YOUR DRAWING HAND?

HEY PIG... CHECK OUT MY NEW VENUS FLY TRAP. IT KILLS FLIES.
OH, YEAH? HOW'S IT DO THAT?
THE FLY LANDS ON ITS LEAVES AND GETS TRAPPED AND DIES.
WHAT IF THE FLY DOESN'T LAND ON ITS LEAVES?
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
IT'S PRETTY RESOURCEFUL.

WHOA. THAT GIRL IS CUTE.
YEAH, SHE IS. I'LL DO MY HOT LOOK.
WHAT'S YOUR HOT LOOK?
WHERE I SQUINT SEDUCTIVELY AND PUFF OUT MY SENSUOUS LIPS AND FLEX MY BICEPS.
WHOA. THAT GIRL IS HOLDING HER STOMACH AND RUNNING INTO THE RESTROOM.
JUST MY LUCK. I PICK THE ONE WITH FOOD SICKNESS.

I SAW THE ANCHORS ON OUR LOCAL NEWS FIST BUMP EACH OTHER … MAN, YOU KNOW A TREND IS OVER WHEN THE ANCHORS ON YOUR LOCAL NEWS DO IT.
WHAT’S THAT, PIG?
OH, YEAH. EVEN I KNOW THAT.
IN FACT, ME AND GUARD DUCK HAVE ALREADY STARTED THE NEXT COOL GREETING.
THE FANNY RUB.
MY EYES!! MY EYES!!
TRY IT, STEPH, YOU’LL LIKE IT.
UH… HOW ‘BOUT A FIST BUMP?

HEY, GOAT,
IN ANCIENT
GREEK PLAYS,
WHAT WAS
THE CHORUS?
A GROUP OF
PEOPLE ONSITAGE
WHO COMMENTED
ON THE ACTION,
USUALLY IN SONG...
WHY?
COMICS SHOULD BE FUNNY
BUT THIS AIN'T WORTH OUR
MONEY...
THIS
COULD
GET
ANNOYING.
THE HUMOR'S
FAR AFIELD...
WE PREFER
'GARFIELD'

BEHOLD! I, RAT, NOW HAVE MY OWN iPod, iPhone AND iPad.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS HATE HANGING OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALL THAT STUFF BECAUSE THEY PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ALL THAT THAN THEY DO TO THE PEOPLE THEY'RE WITH.
YES. IT IS ALL PART OF MY GRAND STRATEGY FOR SOCIAL INTERACTION WITH THOSE AROUND ME.
WHICH IS WHAT?
iIgnore.
iGiveUp.
iHuggaYou
iMakeYou
FeelBetter.

YOU LOOK GRUMPY THIS MORNING.
I AM.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES 43 MUSCLES TO FROWN, BUT ONLY 17 MUSCLES TO SMILE?
WHAT'S IT TAKE TO PUMMEL A PERKY GUY?
YOU MAY NOT BE A MORNING PERSON.
I AM NOW.
DON'T MOVE.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
AN EMAIL.
EMAIL? EMAIL? EMAIL DOESN'T ANYONE SEND A LETTER ANYMORE?
YO, COOL YOUR HORNS, SPAZ-BOY. I'M NOT THE BIGGEST FAN OF EMAIL EITHER. I KNOW IT'S GOT ITS PLUSES AND MINUSES.
YOU DO?
YEAH... FOR EXAMPLE, EMAIL TENDS TO RUDIFY ALL COMMUNICATION.
RUDIFY?
YEAH... MAKES IT RUDER. MAKES NICE PEOPLE SOUND RUDE. MAKES RUDE PEOPLE SOUND RUDE-R.
YES! EXACTLY! AND THAT ALONE OUTWEIGHS ITS PLUSSES!
THOSE ARE ITS PLUSSES.
PLEASE MAKE YOUR LIFE STOP MOVING.
PREPARE FOR AN EMAIL!!

I'M NOT PUTTING OUT ANY MORE SAMPLES UNTIL YOU TWO LEAVE.
SIR...WE'VE HAD BUT 53.
PLEASE, MISTER CHEESE-MAN! ONE TRAY MORE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR… CAN I GIVE YOU THIS?
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT IS IT?"… IT'S A LETTER TO A FRIEND.
OH, YEAAAH… I REMEMBER THESE...
I GIVE UP.
OH, WELL… I'M OFF TO DELIVER SOME MORE "NETFLIX" ENVELOPES.

HI, GOAT. I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.
DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO FINISH A LETTER.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GIVE YOU THIS. IT'S A PLAQUE CERTIFYING YOU AS THE LAST LETTER-WRITER IN AMERICA. CONGRATULATIONS.
GO AWAY.
OH, AND THE PRIZE INCLUDES THIS FINE OIL LAMP AND A BUGGY WHIP.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, GOAT?
A LETTER TO MY PEN PAL. HE LIVES IN WALES.
THE COUNTRY. NOT THE SEA CREATURES.
OHHHHHHHH...

THE CROCS REMODELED THEIR HOUSE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT, TO MAKE IT BIGGER? MORE MODERN?
I'D STAY OUT OF THERE.
Which one you Gretel?

DO YOU SUPPOSE ANYONE EVER READS THE COPYRIGHT LINE BETWEEN THE PANELS?
I DOUBT IT... I THINK PEOPLE'S EYES ARE PRETTY ACCUSTOMED TO IGNORING IT.
THAT DOESN'T SEEM SAFE. I MEAN, WHAT IF SOMEONE WERE TO GET AHOLD OF THAT SPACE AND SAY SOMETHING YOU DIDN'T WANT THEM TO SAY?
HASN'T HAPPENED YET, SO WHY WORRY ABOUT IT?
GOOD POINT.
TAKE IT DOWN.

HULLOOO ZEEBA NEIGHBA...VEESTEN...CROCS BUY YOU OSTRKEG EGG...ESSE GEEFT...PUT EEN HOUSE.

WHY WOULD I WANT AN OSTRICH EGG?

ESS LOTTA EGG. YOU MAKE OMMLEET.

YEAH, WELL IT LOOKS A LITTLE BIG FOR AN OSTRICH EGG...HOW DO I KNOW THAT'S NOT A CROC IN THERE?

OOH, DAT VERY OFFENSIVE. NOW YOU SEE, IKE, DIS ALL ON HIM NO CALL OUT HE LIAR. MEBBE YOU NOT KNOW STREECH BABIES HUGE.

NO, NO, NO. I KNOW OSTRICH BABIES ARE BORN LARGE, SO IT MAKES SENSE THEIR EGGS WOULD BE LARGE. I'M JUST BEING CAUTIOUS. HERE, FORGET ABOUT IT...HAVE A BEER.

OKAY. BEER MAKE BETTER.

WHERE MY @#!# BEER?

BABY'S FIRST WORDS.

WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, PIG?
PUTTING AN AD IN THE PERSONALS ON CRAIGSLIST... WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Pudgy, unsmart pig seeks new me.
I THINK WE NEED TO WORK ON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.
OH, NO NEED... THE NEW ME SHOULD HAVE OODLES.

LOOK AT THIS... I GOT A DEATH THREAT FROM THE GATORS NEXT DOOR TELLING ME WHEN THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME AND HOW THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME..
OH MY GOODNESS! AREN'T YOU SCARED?
IT'S HARD TO BE SCARED OF A DEATH THREAT WRITTEN ON "DORA THE EXPLORER" STATIONERY.
Nice goeng, Bob.
Is only paper me had, Larry.

HEY, GOAT, WANT TO HIT EACH OTHER WITH THE WATER NOODLE IN THE SWIMMING POOL?... IT'S REAL SOFT... IT'S JUST FOAM... ME AND RAT LOVE IT.
SURE. HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE?
JUST ONE.
JUST ONE? THEN WHAT DOES RAT USE?
A BEDPOST.
TRY TO AVOID IT.
CHECK PLEASE.

HEY RAT...WHAT'S GOING ON?
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.
ENOUGH.