Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I'M WRITING A LETTER TO THE HOST OF THIS CABLE NEWS SHOW. HIS DISCUSSION OF AN ISSUE WAS SO UNFAIR.
GOOD FOR YOU, PIG...IT'S CRITICAL IN A DEMOCRACY THAT CITIZENS ENGAGE IN THE PROCESS BY DEBATING ISSUES THOUGHTFULLY WITH OTHERS. HERE, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU HAVE SO FAR.
Dear Poopyhead
PERHAPS I COULD BE THOUGHTFUL-ER.

HI… I’M TIMMY, OUR SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY. YOU MUST BE OUR NEW V.P.
Yeah. But you no has to bow. Me like keep tings centramal.
OH, I’D HARDLY BOW. THE V.P IS A MEANINGLESS FIGUREHEAD WITH NOTHING TO DO. BY THE WAY, WHAT’S THAT YOU WROTE ON YOUR NAMETAG?
‘Meester Guy So Funny Almost Even Funny’.
YOU SEEM UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT.
Hey… Seence you secretary, mebbe you geet Larry coffee?

IDEAS IDEAS C'MON BRAIN JUST ONE IDEA
AAARRGH
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I'M HERE SORRY I'M LATE BIG ACCIDENT ON THE FREEWAY
WHO THE @#$% ARE YOU
YOUR MUSE
MY MUSE
YUP
YEAH WHY DO YOU SAY IT LIKE THAT
BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAT BAG OF SINGING BEER CANS AT LEAST YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO FLY
OH YEAH PROBABLY HEY MIND IF I HIT THE JOHN UPSTAIRS THESE BEERS ARE SHOOTIN' RIGHT THROUGH ME
FINE
JUMPING FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRS IS NOT FLYING
HEY FIRST TIME GIVE ME A LITTLE CREDIT FOR BEING GRACEFUL

HEY, GOAT, SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, BUT IF YOU KNOW THE GOOD FOLK WHO GIVE OUT THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS, COULD YOU PLEASE CALL THEM AND TELL THEM THERE'S NO NEED FOR DEBATE THIS YEAR.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
IT'S GOING TO THE SNUGGIE GUY!!!
HAVE YOU CALLED THEM YET?

HEY, MOM. WHY THE FAMILY MEETING? I WAS GONNA GO PLAY.
YOUR DAD HAS AN ANNOUNCEMENT, SON AND JUDGING BY HIS SERIOUSNESS, I'D SAY IT'S PRETTY IMPORTANT.
SOME NEW HIGH-PAYING JOB?
EITHER THAT OR HE'S FINALLY TURNED INTO THE FIERCE HUNTER WE NEED HIM TO BE.
Me new Vice-President of Keeds Club treehouse!!
GO PLAY, SON.
How come nobody bowing down?

HEY, RAT, WHAT'S THAT?
A SNUGGIE. IT'S A BLANKET WITH LITTLE SLEEVES SO YOU CAN STICK YOUR ARMS THROUGH IT.
WHY WOULD YOU NEED TO STICK YOUR ARMS THROUGH IT?
OOMF
YOU NEVER KNOW..

Geet out of Keeds Club, Larry! Dis beeg shame to tree crocs.
Ohh, you gonna feel dumb for saying dat when me tell you whut juss happen.
Whuh juss happen?
Me got elected vice president.
Geet out of tree, Larry.
One heartbeat from presidency, Bob.

Hey, Bob,
How Larry
doing as deadly
tree croc?
He say gud. He say
when you deadly tree
croc, you intermediate
whole world and no one
mess wid you.
Dis real low
point for
tree crocs,
Bob.
Hey, Larry,
stop playing
hopscotch.

HEY, MISTER, YOU MIND MOVING OVER
A LITTLE AND SHARING THE TREE?
ME AND MY FRIENDS WANT TO
BUILD A TREEHOUSE.
Share tree? Me deadly tree croc.
Me no share tree wid leetle
nobody peepsqueak.
You very rude.

I'M DATING A GIRL WHO WANTS ME TO TEACH HER TO DANCE.
THAT'S A GREAT DANCE... I CAN TEACH YOU IF YOU WANT.
FINE. GIMME THE BASICS.
WELL, THE FIRST THING YOU GOTTA KNOW IS THAT IN THE CHA CHA, YOU LEAD WITH YOUR LEFT LEG AND ARM, WHICH WE'LL CALL YOUR CHA CHA LEG AND ARM.
FINE. WHAT ARE THE STEPS?
WELL, THE FIRST STEP IS TO STICK OUT YOUR CHA CHA LEG, THEN RAISE YOUR OPPOSITE ARM, THEN RAISE YOUR CHA CHA ARM.
DUDE, JUST SAY "CHA CHA LEG" OR SOMETHING. "CHA CHA" IS SUCH A STUPID FOO FOO WORD.
ALRIGHT, FINE. SO TRY IT. FIRST POSITION, STICK OUT YOUR CHA CHA LEG.
YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW. SECOND, RAISE MY OTHER ARM... THIRD, RAISE MY CHA LEG.
THIRD TIME'S A CHA ARM.
DON'T MIND ME.

YOU WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES WITH ME TONIGHT?
SURE, PIG, I---
WHY IS THAT CROC THROWING KUMQUATS AT YOU?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
Geev up yet?

Hey, Larry... How life as veocious tree croc? You leap on zeeba head and reep to shred yet?
Me no can leap, Bob. Tree too high.
You veocious tree croc, Larry! How you keel prey if you no leap on head?
Me gonna chuck kumquats.
You bad tree croc, Larry.
Me got lot of kumquats, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me tree croc. Like veectious jaguar, me leap from eencredible heights and breeng death from above. But first you have close eyes.
WHY SHOULD I CLOSE MY EYES?
No reason.

RAT'S THINKING ABOUT BUYING A PRIUS.
GOOD FOR YOU, RAT. BUYING A HYBRID IS A GREAT WAY TO SAVE GAS AND DO YOUR PART FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.
IT IS?
YEAH. WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BUY IT?
BECAUSE IT'S REAL QUIET, SO I THOUGHT IT'D BE PERFECT IF I EVER NEEDED TO RUN SOMEONE OVER FROM BEHIND.
AND HAVING LESS PEOPLE BENEFITS THE ENVIRONMENT?
THAT IS NOT HOW IT BENEFITS THE--
I'M DOING MY PART!

HEY, RAT, LOOK AT ME. I'M A BEEKEEPER! I EVEN GOT THE NET THING THAT THE BEES CAN'T GET THROUGH.
WHERE ARE THE BEES?
IN HERE.
OW!
YOU'D THINK THERE'D BE A BETTER WAY.

THE STUPID STATE WANTS
TO RAISE MONEY BY EXPANDING
THE STATE LOTTERY. NOW
PEOPLE WILL SPEND MORE OF
THEIR HARD-EARNED MONEY
CHASING IMPOSSIBLE ODDS.
YEAH. THAT'S
WHAT'S SO
GREAT ABOUT
THE LOTTERY.
WHY DOES
THAT MAKE
THE LOTTERY
GREAT?
IT'S A TAX
ON PEOPLE
WHO CAN'T
DO MATH.
PLEASE
LEAVE ME
ALONE.
NOW IF WE
COULD JUST
TAX
GENERAL
STUPIDITY.
FOUR LOTTO
TICKETS! I AM
GUARANTEED
TO WIN!

HEY, PIG... WHY YOU SO LATE THIS MORNING?
BAH BAH BAH BAH
BAH BAH BAH BAH BAH
I WAS AT THE PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE... I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING A NOSE DONE.
WORK, HUH? WHAT KIND OF WORK?
JUST ON MY FACE. EYES, NOSE, YOU KNOW? BUT THE DOCTOR LIKES YOU TO THINK THRU THIS INITIAL CONSULTATION FIRST.
I SAID IT'S A LONG CONSULTATION.
YEAH, HE'S GOT THIS BIG CATALOG OF DIFFERENT FACES TO CHOOSE FROM. I SPENT THE FIRST HALF-HOUR JUST TRYING TO PICK MY NEW NOSE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT ELSE DID YOU DO? SPEED UP A LITTLE... IT'S SO CROWDED IN HERE TODAY.
I SPENT TWO HOURS PICKING MY NOSE!!
HEY. IT LOOKS LIKE THE NERD'S CLEARING OUT.
I DON'T KNOW HIM.

Humanity now stands rudderless. Hence, let us cry without cessation for the next thousand years.
Hey, Rat. What’s that you wrote there?
My future eulogy.
I’ll be leaving now.
Is a thousand years too short?

WELL, GUYS, I BROKE UP WITH HSOSANNA. SHE NEVER DID HAVE MUCH OF A PERSONALITY. SO NOW I'M DATING SOMEONE MORE CHARISMATIC. SOMEONE WHO REALLY LIGHTS UP A ROOM.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. I'D LIKE TO MEET HER SOME DAY.
AND TO THINK SOME CARTOONISTS TAKE PRIDE IN THEIR WORK.

you know, pig, before you start dating a mop, you should try one of those internet dating sites. you tell them stuff about yourself, like your interests and your intellect, and they suggest a good mate for you.
i tried that.
who’d they suggest?
a mop.
it was love at first sight.

WELL, GOAT, I SHOULD GO. I'VE GOT A BIG DATE TONIGHT.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, PIG. YOU SURE SEEM TO HAVE GOTTEN OVER PIGITA. WHO'S THE NEW LADY?
I'M THINKING YOU COULD DO BETTER.

HEY, RAT, CHECK OUT THIS MODEL OF AN ATOLL I MADE...WHEN I PRESS THE BUTTON, IT SAYS STUFF...WATCH...
I'M A RING OF CORAL ENCIRCLING A LAGOON.
HMM, THAT'S PRETTY COOL. LET ME TRY.
YOU ARE A GRR, IDIOT.
OH MY GOODNESS,
IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING, ATOLL.
DON'T YOU HAVE A FREEWAY YOU CAN PLAY ON?

WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?

FILLING OUT MY
CALENDAR FOR
THE MONTH. I
LIKE TO KEEP ON
TOP OF MY SOCIAL
SCHEDULE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT EVENTS DO
YOU HAVE COMING UP?
NEXT TUESDAY IS THE
EXPIRATION DATE ON
MY MILK.
YOU MIGHT WANT TO
GET OUT MORE.
WHOA... SAME DAY
AS THE CHEESE...
GONNA BE A BUSY
TUESDAY.

Ding dong ding dong.
WHAT DO YOU IDIOTS WANT?
We sue you face.
Sue me? OVER WHAT?
We find out lions eat a zeeba.
YEAH. IT WAS TERRIBLE. WHY??
So week before, tiger eat zeeba. And month before, cheetah eat zeeba.
YEAH. ALL THAT HAPPENED. SO?
So during entire time, not one of you zeebas get eaten by croc.
So?
So you racist.
I'M CLOSING THE DOOR NOW.
WHUH? DOES WE WANT? EQUAL EATING!
WHEN DOES WE WANT IT? NOW!
NOW!!

HEY, PIG, CAN I DROP YOU INTO A CAGE OF ANGRY, HYPER-TERRITORIAL BABOONS?
NO.
COULD I AT LEAST BORROW TEN DOLLARS?
SURE.
THE KEY TO NEGOTIATION IS TO START BIG.