Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
SOME POETRY BY WORDSWORTH.
I GUESS YOU HAVEN'T HEARD 'RAT MAXIM NO. 14'.
I GUESS I HAVEN'T.
"POETRY IS A HOAX PERPETRATED BY EDUCATED PEOPLE TO CONFUSE AND ANGER THE REST OF US."
I'M LEAVING NOW.
YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D BY WILLIAM WORDSWORTH.

I LIKE THIS POLITICIAN. HE SEEMS LIKE A NORMAL GUY.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A NORMAL GUY. SEE RAT MAXIM NO. 9.

RAT MAXIM NO. 9?

"THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE: ABNORMAL PEOPLE, AND PEOPLE YOU DON'T YET KNOW WELL ENOUGH."
I DON'T THINK I'LL PUT "RAT'S BOOK OF MAXIMS" ON MY SUMMER READING LIST.

"CLIFFSNOTES" VERSION: "WE ARE ALL FREAKS."

We are all
Gulf
residents.

HEY LIFEGUARD! I THINK THAT MAN IS FLOATING OUT TO SEA!
CAN'T HELP. BUSY.
DOING WHAT?
ROCKING THE LEOPARD-SKIN MAN THONG.
SOME LIFEGUARDS SAVE LIVES.
WHY SAVE LIVES WHEN YOU CAN ROCK THE MAN THONG.

HELP! HELP! THAT PERSON OUT THERE'S DROWNING! THEY'RE GONNA DIE!
DO NOT FEAR, LADY IN THE RED BIKINI! DREAMBOAT DONNY IS HERE TO HELP THE HELPLESS AND RISK HIS LIFE FOR THE GOOD OF OTHERS!!
NO NO NO...IT'S THE FAT GUY WHO'S DROWNING!
WHAT'S ONE LESS FAT GUY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM 'DREAMBOAT DONNY,' LIFEGUARD STUD, HERE TO SAVE LIVES AND MEET BABES.
HELP! HELP! HELP!
BUT MOSTLY MEET BABES.

HI, NEIGHBOR BOB... WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?
SOMEONE'S SHOOTING HOLES IN MY GARDEN GNOMES AND SPRAY-PAINTING "POPPED BY EL BANDITO" ON THEM.
GOSH, NEIGHBOR BOB... I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.
I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T, PIG, BUT DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO WOULD?
LET'S NOT JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WEARING MAGIC PANTS.
THEY'RE YOUR MONKEY PAJAMA BOTTOMS. AND YOU'VE PULLED THEM UP TO YOUR NECK.
NO. THEY'RE MAGIC PANTS. AND THE HIGHER I WEAR THEM, THE MAGIC-ER I AM.
THAT'S TOO HIGH.

YOU KNOW, GUYS, I'VE BEEN THINKING...
OUR STRIP NEEDS A GO-TO GAG...
SOMETHING RELIABLY FUNNY THAT
WE COULD RETURN TO OVER AND
OVER.
AUGHHH
OUR
OWN.
OH.
THAT'S
BEEN
DONE
BEFORE?
GOOD
GRIEF.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, YOU'RE AS YOUNG AS YOU'LL EVER BE?
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IF YOU WANT TO JUMP AROUND LIKE A LITTLE KID, THERE'S NO TIME LIKE THE PRESENT.
CRACK
PAIN
AGONY
TORMENT
TORTURE
DO YOU REALIZE THAT AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT, YOU'RE AS OLD AS YOU'LL EVER BE?
SILLY STEP...
KNEES DON'T BEND THAT WAY.

THE VENDING MACHINE O' DREAMS
SO, PIG, WHAT ARE MY CHOICES HERE? MY WIFE AND I ARE HAVING PROBLEMS.
WELL, NEIGHBOR BOB, YOU'VE GOT YOUR BAG O' TORRID ROMANCE, YOUR BAG O' STABLE LONG-TERM MARRIAGE, YOUR BAG O' ...
FINE, FINE. GIMME ONE BAG O' TORRID ROMANCE AND ONE BAG O' LONG-TERM MARRIAGE.
YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH. IT JAMS THE MACHINE.
NUTS. THEN GIMME A BAG O' JUST-FINE-AS-LONG-AS-I-GET-MY-ONE-VEGAS-WEEKEND-A-YEAR.

WHEN DID YOU PUT THIS VENDING MACHINE IN YOUR HOUSE, PIG?
LAST WEEK. BUT IT'S NOT JUST ANY VENDING MACHINE... IT'S THE VENDING MACHINE O' DREAMS.
WHAT'S IN THERE?
WELL, YOU'VE GOT YOUR BAG O' HEALTH, YOUR BAG O' CONTENTMENT, YOUR BAG O' LASTING HAPPINESS... HEY... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BAGS O' IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION?
I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE STOCKED THAT.

HEY, STEPH, I KNOW I'VE NEVER SAID A BAD WORD IN THE STRIP BEFORE. BUT I THINK I REALLY NEED TO.
OKAY, PIG. GO AHEAD.
^%$$# YOU, BRITISH PETROLEUM.
WELL SAID, BUDDY.

HI, RAT.
YOU LISTEN TO ME, PIG. EVEN THOUGH YOU MOVED OUT, YOU SAID YOU'D STILL MOW THE LAWN, AND YOU DIDN'T DO IT THIS MORNING.
WELL, I WOULD HAVE, BUT I WAS INTRODUCING MY WIFE TO ZEBRA. THEN AN ELEPHANT FELL OFF THE ROOF AND SQUISHED HER. NOW SHE'S FLAT AS A TORTILLA AND I'M A WIDOWER.
YOU REALLY NEED TO WORK ON YOUR EXCUSES.

HEY, ZEBRA,
WHY DO
YOU HAVE
OFFICER
POTUS ON
YOUR ROOF?
BECAUSE I’M SHUTTING DOWN
MCZEBA'S FOR ZONING VIOLATIONS. I JUST NEED OFFICER
POTUS TO CONFIRM MY ZONING
CALCULATIONS WITH HIS
SURVEYING EQUIPMENT.
NEW. TERRIFIC. LISTEN. I JUST WANT TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO MY WIFE, SWEET FANNY.
WE JUST GOT MARRIED AND ARE HOPING
FOR A LONG LIFE TOGETHER FILLED WITH--
WHOAAAA--
THUD
THESE THINGS HAPPEN.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HITTING EVERY HOUSE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO SEE IF THEY'RE INTERESTED IN McZEBRA FRANCHISING OPPORTUNITIES.
WHY WOULD THEY BE?
WHY? WHO WOULDN'T BE INTERESTED IN MAKING TONS OF CASH WHILE SERVING THE JUICIEST MEAT IN TOWN?
ZEBRA MEAT IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER.
THIS IS AWKWARD.

ANIMAL SHELTER
GRRR
Keel
Keel
GRRRRRR
RIP RIP TEAR TEAR
Gud dog
Gud dog
Keel
GRRRRRRR GRRRR GRRR
pt pt pt
pt pt pt
GRRRR
Unkeel

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
JUST STARING AT OUR LIVING ROOM AND THINKING OF ALL THE MOMENTS IN OUR LIVES THAT HAVE HAPPENED HERE. IF ONLY THESE WALLS COULD TALK...
YOU'VE BORED US TO THE DEPTHS OF OUR STUDS.
I'VE WAITED TWENTY YEARS TO SAY THAT.

LARRY! WHY AREN'T YOU IN SCHOOL?
Peese. Shut mouf. Larry breeng you ded zeeba meat. Larry gud hunter now. Larry no need school.
YOU KILLED A ZEBRA? YOU? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT... BUT WHY IS THERE SO LITTLE MEAT?
TEN MORE McZEEBAS!!

HEY, PIG. IF THAT'S YOU, TONIGHT'S YOUR NIGHT TO DO THE DISHES.
HI, RAT. I GOT MARRIED. THIS IS MY WIFE. I'M MOVING OUT. IT WAS NICE BEING FRIENDS.
IF THIS IS YOUR WAY OF GETTING OUT OF THE DISHES, I'D SAY IT'S RATHER EXTREME.

I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I'M SWEET FANNY. AND I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN! I READ YOU IN THE COMICS EVERY DAY.
WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE, BUT I--
NO BUTS! NO BUTS! SWEET FANNY IS NOT A FAN OF THE BUTS! WE LOVE EACH OTHER! WE'RE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER! OUR DESTINY DEMANDS IT!
BUT THIS SEEMS RUSHED.
NO BUTS... 'I DO'S'.
DO YOU--
YES.

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
My frend Bob choke on you Zeeburger... It have beeg bone.
OH MY.
Yeah... You keel my bess frend... Whuh you do now?
COMPLIMENTARY NACHOS?
OooOoooh.... Extra cheesy.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
BRINGING ZEBRA MEAT TO THE MASSES.
BUT YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH A ZEBRA.
YOU EAT BACON.
BACON TASTES GOOD.
ZEEBA MACS TASTE GREAT.
OKAY... JUST ONE MORE BITE.

Dear life...
I am writing to
you to express my
dissatisfaction.
First, I didn't
ask to be here.
You put me
here.
That started us
off on a bad
foot.
And right from
the quick
start, I'd think
you'd strive to
be a good host.
But no. You
fill this place
with unpleasant
surprises.
As if that's not enough,
at some point I
apparently cease to
exist, in a manner
that is most likely shocking,
painful, and tragic.
Can you say
'rip-off'?
Please provide a
refund.
WHERE DOES ONE
SEND THESE?

LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY'S OPENING A FAST FOOD PLACE ON THE CORNER NEAR YOUR HOUSE.
SERVING WHAT?
SERVING...
...OH MY.
WHAT IS IT?
Two Zeeba Macs peese.
McZeebars
You deserve a dead zeeba today