Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY,
GOAT,
WHAT'S
GOING
ON?
I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL FROM RAT MARKED 'EXTREMELY URGENT,'...OH, GOD, I HOPE IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY OR THAT SOMEONE HAS DIED OR SOMETHING...HERE...HERE...IT'S OPENING NOW.
My flatscreen TV is bigger than your flatscreen TV.
THAT IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.
SAID THE MAN WITH THE TINY 32-INCHER.
SIZE DOES MATTER, FRIEND.

HEY, RAT, WHERE--
THE SUSPENSE OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE IS PALPABLE, PETER! YOU--
MIND KEEPING IT DOWN, GUYS?
SURE.
SORRY, PIG.
PANEL WALLS CAN BE SO THIN.

SO TELL ME SOMETHING, FATHER GUS. HAVE I LED A WORTHWHILE LIFE?
WELL... TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DONE... HAVE YOU HELPED OTHERS? FORGIVEN OTHERS? LOVED OTHERS?
I BOUGHT A VERY BIG TELEVISION.
NOT SURE BIG TV'S COUNT.
I DIDN'T SAY 'BIG.' I SAID VERY BIG.
WILL IT SAVE HIS SOUL, FATHER?

HEY, RAT… I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL, FATHER GUS… HE'S A REAL AUTHORITY ON RELIGION.
AN AUTHORITY, HUH? THEN LET ME ASK YOU THIS... IS THERE REALLY A JUST GOD WHO IN THE END RIGHTS EVERY WRONG AND EVENS THE SCALES OF JUSTICE?
OH, DEFINITELY.
NUTS.
HE'S DISAPPOINTED?
A LITTLE.
A WHOLE LIFE'S PLAN... RUINED.

HEY, RAT. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I JUST CAME BY TO TELL YOU I BOUGHT A 65 INCH FLATSCREEN T.V. FOR MYSELF FOR CHRISTMAS.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
NOT 32 INCHES. NOT 46 INCHES. NOT 50 INCHES. BUT 65 INCHES.
I SEE. IT'S...
65 INCHES
YEAH, IT'S
SIXTY FIVE INCHES
I GET IT. IT'S A
LXV INCHES
I GET IT! OKAY? YOU HAVE A BIG T.V. IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
I KNOW. I KNOW. I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN.
HEY, GUYS... DID YOU SEE THE PAPER? BIG SALE ON FLATSCREENS. I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING ONE FOR MY LIVING ROOM... MAYBE A 70 INCH
WHY DO YOU...
CRACK
I JUST THINK THAT'S A WEE BIT BIG FOR HIS LIVING ROOM.
ROOM SIZE IS AN IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION, ZEBRA!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, PIG?
THEY AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS TO THESE GUYS WHO "DISCOVERED THE MECHANISM OF BROKEN SYMMETRY IN SUBATOMIC PHYSICS."
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
THEY STIFFED THE TOASTER INVENTOR AGAIN!!
THIS MIGHT BE WHY WE DON'T DISCUSS PHYSICS.
BREAD GOES IN. TOAST COMES OUT. BEAT THAT!

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
PACKAGE FROM AUSTRALIA. I'M TIRED OF MY RELIANCE ON OIL AND WANTED TO EXPLORE SOME ENERGY ALTERNATIVES.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, RAT...YEAH, I THINK AUSTRALIA'S A REAL PIONEER IN PRACTICAL ENERGY OPTIONS WE CAN ALL UTILIZE, LIKE SOLAR AND WIND AND ___
YOU'RE BORING MY KANGAROO.

LOOK, RAT...I BOUGHT NEW WINDOW SHADES THAT DON'T HAVE CORDS.
YOU JUST PULL DOWN THE SHADE TO LOWER IT...NOW I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CORDS AGAIN!
TRUE HAPPINESS!! AT LAST!! AT LAST!!
WHY DO I SHARE THINGS WITH YOU?
NOW WE CAN ALL DIE HAPPY.

WHO THE HECK IS THAT?
FEDUPPO. THE LITTLE MAN WHO'S HAD IT.
HAD IT WITH WHAT?
LIFE. THE WORLD. EVERYTHING. SO NOW HE JUST SPENDS HIS LIFE FLOATING AIMLESSLY ABOVE IT.
DON'T WAIT UP.

HEY, GUYS, WANT TO PLAY 'SLUG BUG'?
WHAT IS IT?
IF YOU SEE A VOLKSWAGEN, YOU GET TO PUNCH THE OTHER GUY IN--
--THE SHOULDER.
IS MY NOSE MY SHOULDER?
THERE WASN'T EVEN A VOLKSWAGEN!
I IMAGINED IT.

STORY UPDATE:
The crocs drilled deep underground for gophers and hit a gusher, which they cannot shut off.
OHMYGAND, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO??
NO ONE CAN STOP IT!
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
EVERYONE, CALM DOWN!! I AM GOING TO ATTEMPT A HIGH-RISK, TOP-KILL OPERATION WHICH SHOULD SHUT DOWN THE SOURCE OF THE GOPHERS!
CLANG
IT'S JUST THAT EASY.

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME THERE'S A CONTROVERSY OR SCANDAL, SOMEONE PUTS THE WORD "GATE" ON THE END OF IT?
THAT'S STUPID.
NO, STUPID IS THIS INFERIOR VERSION OF HUNDONS I JUST BOUGHT. IT CRASHED ON ME.
WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO?
UPLOAD THIS VIDEO TO HORSE TROTTING.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT SHOWS HIM EASILY PUSHING OPEN THIS FENCE BOARD. IT JUST SNAPS.
SO?
SO I'M SENDING IT TO THE MANUFACTURER OF THE FENCE TO HAVE THEM REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING SO DEFECTIVE THAT TROTTING HORSE COULD BREAK IT.
HUNDOS?
YEAH, YOU KNOW, AN INFERIOR SEARCH ENGINE THAT WILL PICK THE INVENTOR OF WUNDOS.
OH
WHAT
GATES IS THE GUY WHO INVENTED WINDOWS.
WHO YA.
YEAH GATES I KNEW I WAS ONTO SOMETHING.
GATES WHO
YOUR'E EVEN BUGGING ME NOW.

WHAT IS THE CITY GONNA DO ABOUT ALL THESE GOPHERS? THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
I KNOW... I'VE HEARD THEY'VE MOBILIZED ALL OUR LOCAL POLICE TO WORK ON IT.
WHAT CAN THE POLICE DO ABOUT MILLIONS OF GOPHERS?
WELL, THE FIRST THING IS TO DRAFT A STEP-BY-STEP PLAN.
1. CRY.
2. PAT LITTLE GUYS ON HEAD.

OKAY, GUYS. IT'S CLEAR THAT THE CROCS CAN'T FIX OUR GOPHER CRISIS... SO I CALLED US ALL TOGETHER IN THE HOPES THAT ONE OF US CAN PROPOSE A VIABLE, ECOLOGICALLY SOUND SOLUTION.
HAND THEM GRENADES AND POINT THEM TOWARD THE TALIBAN?
I DON'T THINK—
NO, NO... THAT WAY, GUYS... THAT WAY.

Hullo...Croc call dis press conference because we know peoples concerned 'bout gopher t'ing.
Peese know we monitoring 24/7.
YOU'RE WATCHING THE SITUATION TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY SEVEN DAYS A WEEK?
No. We watching da show '24' seven days a week...We has on DVD.
It reely gud show.

WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
IT'S THE CROCS. THEY DRILLED FOR GOPHERS AND HIT A GOPHER GUSHER. NOW THEY CAN'T TURN IT OFF.
CAN'T TURN IT OFF? WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE GOPHERS?
THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO GET RID OF THEM WITH A GOPHER DISPERANT.
GOPHER DISPERANT? WHAT KIND OF DISPERANT?
Peese go home.

HEY, ZEBRA, COME OVER HERE REAL QUICK... I THINK A GOPHER JUST FLEW INTO YOUR WINDOW.
A GOPHER? WHY WOULD A GOPHER BE FLYING INTO MY WINDOW?
Dis a lot of gophers, Burt.
Shut up, look for off-switch, Bob.

THE CROCS HAVE LEARNED THAT THE GROUND IS FILLED WITH GOPHERS.
SO?
SO THEY THINK IF THEY CAN JUST FIND A WAY TO GET THEM OUT OF THEIR DEEP, UNDERGROUND HOMES, THEY CAN SNACK ON THEM FOR LIFE.
AND HOW DO THEY PLAN TO DO THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
MY COUSIN SENT A MASS E-MAIL TO ME AND ALL OUR RELATIVES INVITING US TO HIS ENGAGEMENT PARTY.
THE FUNNY PART IS THAT OTHER THAN ME, HE HATES ABOUT ALL OF MY RELATIVES... HE'S JUST INVITING THEM BECAUSE HE FEELS HE HAS TO. LOOK AT THE REPLY I'M SENDING...
THAT'S GREAT.
THANKS.
MY FAVORITE PART HAS HOW YOU DIDN'T CLICK 'REPLY'. YOU CLICKED 'REPLY ALL'.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'LL BE THERE, COUSIN...AND WITH ANY LUCK, THE REST OF THE DIMWITTED BLOWHARDS WE CALL OUR 'RELATIVES' WON'T BE... WHAT A GOOD TIME CAN BE HAD BY ALL!
'REPLY AU'...THE DEADLIEST CLICK IN COMPUTERDOM.
UNCLE 'DIP' NARC: "HEY, LISTEN, DON'T RUIN IT FOR THE REST OF US. WE'RE STARVING FOR INFO!"

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS WATCHING A DVD AND I TRIED TO FORWARD THROUGH THE COPYRIGHT WARNING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SCREEN SAID, 'NOT PERMITTED.'
SO WHAT'S WITH THE SUITCASE?
I'M TURNING MYSELF INTO THE POLICE.
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

FEEL FREE TO TELL ME ANYTHING, MR. JOHNSON. THIS IS A JUDGMENT-FREE SETTING.
WELL, DOCTOR, SOMETIMES I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET, AND I THINK I CAN FLY. I MEAN, I DUNNO. IS THAT NORMAL?
ERRT ERRT ERRT ERRT
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S THE BONKERS CHICKEN... YOU'VE SET IT OFF.
I'M LEAVING.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. YOU OWE ME AN EXTRA $50 TO RE-SET THE CHICKEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MAKING THE SIGN FOR MY NEW THERAPY PRACTICE.
BECAUSE... SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T
ARE YOU A THERAPIST OR A 'MOUNDS' BAR?
HEY... WE ALL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A THERAPIST.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE TRAINED TO BE A THERAPIST?
I HAVE A COUCH. AND I CAN SAY 'HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?'
THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID!
BUT HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
DON'T TOUCH ME.
SHOULD WE RESTRAIN THE PATIENT, DOCTOR?

DUDE, GET THE 'RAID' CAN. THERE'S A GIANT STICK INSECT AT THE FRONT DOOR.
A GIANT STICK INSECT?!
I'M NOT A STICK INSECT. I'M A SUPERMODEL.
IT'S SO HARD TO TELL.

OH, PIGITA, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT. I THINK YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST WOMAN ON THE NEWSPAPER COMICS PAGE. YOU KNOW, I SHOULD CAPTURE THIS MOMENT.
DID YOU JUST SHOVE 'SILLY PUTTY' IN MY FACE?
YEAH. LOOK HOW WELL IT PICKS UP NEWSPRINT.