Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
THE BEATLES' WHITE ALBUM. I JUST GOT IT. IT'S GREAT.
WHY DO YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH?
BECAUSE USUALLY WHEN I GET AN ALBUM, I HAVE TO PROGRAM OUT THE BAD SONGS ON MY iPOD. BUT ON THIS, EVERY SONG I'VE HEARD HAS BEEN SO GREAT THAT I--
NUMBER NINE.
NUMBER NINE.
NUMBER NINE.
NUMBER NINE.
NUMBER NINE.
NEVER MIND.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
THE COMICS IN THIS PAPER HAVE BEEN SHRUNK TO THE POINT OF NEAR-ILLEGIBILITY. YOU CAN'T SEE ANY OF THE NUANCES OF THE ART.
SO?
SO WHY SHOULD ANY OF THE BETTER CARTOONISTS BOTHER TO DRAW ELABORATE ART? NOW A GUY CAN GET AWAY WITH BEING A TOTALLY INCOMPETENT ARTIST.
GOOD NEWS.

THANKS FOR INVITING US OVER, TIMMY AND TAMMY SWAN. IT'S ALWAYS SO SPECIAL BEING WITH TWO BIRDS WHO HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR LIFE.
WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT IT? I MEAN, TAMMY AND I LOVE EACH OTHER AND ALL, BUT ALL BIRDS MATE FOR LIFE.
NO, THEY DON'T. OTHER BIRDS HAVE NUMEROUS PARTNERS.
DON'T WAIT UP.

HOW COME YOU DON'T DRAW BICYCLES IN YOUR STRIP?
BECAUSE I CAN'T DRAW BICYCLES. AND YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.
HEE HEE HEE, LOOK AT ME! ON A BICYCLE!
THE #$^%? WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?!
I CUT IT OUT FROM A "BABY BLUES" STRIP...YOU THOUGHT RICK KIRKMAN'D GUY...HE CAN DRAW BIKES.
YOU CAN'T TAKE ART FROM OTHER COMIC STRIPS! YOU'LL GET SUED!
YOU'LL GET SUED. I'M FICTIONAL.
RICK KIRKMAN ON LINE TWO...
AND HE'S GOT A POTTY MOUTH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M TRYING TO WATCH "GONE WITH THE WIND," BUT IT'S INTERRUPTED BY TONS OF COMMERCIALS FOR THIS GUY'S USED CAR LOT.
OH YEAH... THAT'S THAT CHINESE GUY, FRANK LEE.
YEAH, I KNOW. AND APPARENTLY, HE LOVES THE HOOVER DAM.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
IF YOU BRING IN A MINIATURE MODEL OF THE HOOVER DAM, HE'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT ON YOUR CAR. "IF YOU BRING US A DAM... WE'LL GIVE YOU A CAR."
THAT'S ODD. CAN ANYONE GET THE DISCOUNT?
NO. HIS BIG NEW GIMMICK IS FIGHTING DI SEASE. YOU CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE OFFER. IT'S EVEN PART OF HIS NEW SLOGAN.
WHICH IS WHAT?
"FRANK LEE'S CAR LOT... HIGH? DON'T GIVE A DAM."
"FRANK LEE" SLOGAN.
"FRANKLY, MY DEAR, WE DON'T GIVE A DAM."
FIRST OFF, IT'S "FRANKLY, MY DEAR." NOT "FRANKLY, SCARLETT."
SHHH...NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

WHERE'S THE DRAMA COW?
ON HER WAY OUT THE FRONT DOOR. I GOOGLED YAKS AND NINJA, AND LEARNED THAT APPARENTLY THEY LIKE COWS OVER THERE, SO I EXTRADITED HER THERE TO GET HER OUT OF OUR HAIR.
REALLY? HOW'D YOU LEARN ALL THAT?
I JUST SAID 'GOOGLE'... GOOOGE? GOOLGE? GOOOGLE? GOGOLE?
KEEL DA GOOGLE
NEW, NOW THERE'S A SCENE YOU DON'T FIND IN 'HÄGGLöIS'.
GET SOME HELP, STEPH.
HEY, LET'S SEE YOU END FOUR STORYLINES IN ONE STRIP.

BAD NEWS, SIR. THE STATE
DEPARTMENT HAS ORDERED
ME TO CEASE MY PURSUIT
OF DRAMA COW.

REALLY?
WHY?

DRAMA COW HAS SOUGHT ASYLUM IN
A FOREIGN COUNTRY. MY ONLY HOPE
NOW IS THAT THE FOREIGN COUNTRY
WILL CHOOSE TO EXTRADITE HER.

GET OUT. NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, LARRY?
We is heli-crocs. We geet
technolagy from keety kat.
Mikey here is fly over
zeeba house and blow up
wid han grenade.
DOES MIKEY
KNOW HOW
TO USE
A HAND
GRENADE?
Yeah. Me
tell heem.
Right, Mikey?
You juss
pull peen.
HA
HA.
Me
know.
Me
know.
BOOM
Forgat to tell heem
throw it.
Ohhhhh.
Me having
bad
day.

STORY UPDATE: Larry has sat for weeks with a rare Socorro Mockingbird on his head. A group of birdwatchers now follows Larry's every move
IS THAT REALLY A SOCORRO, DAD?
YES, SON, AND THERE ARE ONLY FIFTY IN THE WORLD.
BUT IS HE SAFE UP THERE, DAD?
OH, YES, SON. HIGH UP OFF THE GROUND, HE'S PROTECTED FROM ALL HIS NATURAL PREDATORS, SUCH AS CATS AND--
CRUNCH CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
LOOKS LIKE CATS HAVE ADAPTED, DAD.
IN YOUR FACE, FREAKY BIRD PEOPLE!

I'M SURPRISED YOU COULD GET
SNUFFLES THE CAT TO BE A
HELICATTY AND ATTACK DRAMA
COW. I THOUGHT HE WAS STILL
BITTER ABOUT YOU CHOOSING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND AURA OVER
HIM LAST YEAR.
OH, THAT'S
BEHIND US
NOW...CATS
CAN BE
PRETTY
FORGIVING.
YOU MAY
HAVE A
POINT.
THERE MAY STILL BE
SOME LINGERING
FEELINGS.

BAD NEWS, SIR...THE BLACK HAWK HELICOPTERS HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FLUSH OUT DRAMA COW.
OH, GOOD. LET'S GIVE UP NOW.
NO NEED TO GIVE UP, SIR. THE MILITARY HAS UNMANNED PREDATOR DRONES ARMED WITH HELLFIRE MISSILES THAT CAN FLY IN AND TAKE OUT ENEMY COMBATANTS. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MY HANDS ON ONE, BUT I DO HAVE SOMETHING CLOSE.
WHAT?
HELLO KITTY WITH A HAND GRENADE.
PURR PURR
PERP PERP PERP
BAD KITTY BAD KITTY

Danny Donkey hated people.
He hated their greed. He hated their pettiness. He hated their pigness.
But most of all, he hated that
there were 6,000,000,000 of them.
So Danny Donkey visited a spiritual guru.
Climb a great mountain with a group of strangers, said the spiritual guru. The shared challenge will bring you a new perspective.
So Danny Donkey climbed to the top of Mount Everest with a group of five strangers.
And pushed them off.
This is Danny Donkey’s guide to spiritual fulfillment
YAY, said Danny. Only 5,999,999,975 to go.
I am so fulfilled I could cry.

WHAT THE @#$* IS GOING ON HERE?
GUARD DUCK IS CALLING IN AIR SUPPORT TO GET DRAMA CON... THEY'RE GONNA BOMB OUR HOUSE.
BOMB OUR HOUSE?! THAT FEATHERBRAIN'S NOT GONNA BOMB MY HOUSE!
I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY. HE'S CALLED IN EIGHT AIRSTRIKES AND EACH ONE HAS TAKEN OUT A DIFFERENT ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS' HOMES.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST LET THE MILITARY DO ITS JOB.
HI, NEIGHBOR BO... DID YOU GET YOUR 'WOOSIES' FRUIT BASKET?

CAN I GO BACK IN MY HOUSE NOW, GUARD DUCK?
SIR, THERE IS A BOMBIE IN THAT DOMICILE... NO ONE IS GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL AIR SUPPORT HAS DONE ITS JOB.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THAT MEANS A BLACK HAWK HELICOPTER IS GONNA TAKE OUT THAT CON, AND IF THAT MEANS BOMBING THAT LITTLE BLUE HOUSE TO SMITHEREENS, WELL, THEN THAT'S JUST THE PRICE OF FREEDOM.
WE LIVE IN THE YELLOW HOUSE.
CORPORAL... SEND 'BLUE-HOUSE GUY' A FRUIT BASKET... PUT 'WOOPSIES' ON THE CARD.

HEY, LI'L GUARD DUCK, WHERE YOU GOING?
DINING FACILITY, SIR... A.K.A. THE KITCHEN... THERE APPEARS TO BE SOME AWFUL NOISE COMING FROM THERE.
MAN THE TORPEDOES!!
OUR HOUSEHOLD DOES NOT FUNCTION AS IT SHOULD.
WHERE IS A FLAMETHROWER WHEN YOU NEED ONE??

DUDE, YOUR NEW FRIEND BETTER SHUT UP...I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
BUT MY CAT RAN AWAY IN THE THIRD GRADE!! AND THEN LATER ON I WAS AT THE MALL AND I SAW A PUPPY BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY AND THEN I SAW MY EIGHTH GRADE TEACHER AND I DIDN'T LIKE HER SO MUCH! AND MY PIZZA DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH PEPPERONI AND THEN LATER ON I STUBBED MY TOE MY TOE HURT AND HURT. AND MY FAVORITE MITTENS WERE LOST. FOREVER.
DRAMA COW, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD STOP YAPPING FOR A BIT?
THE MOUTH THING IS PERMANENT?
IT'S A DRAMA COW THING.

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW FRIEND, KATIE THE DRAMA COW? SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME HERE TODAY.
HOW WOULD I KNOW? I'VE NEVER MET HER.
MOO! UWACK AAAAAAAAAH UWCHING AAAAAH RECTUM SURPRISE! HUT HUT HUT HUT!
I MAY HAVE FOUND HER.

OKAY, DAD, I DID SOME RESEARCH ON YOUR BIRD... IT'S A SOCORRO MOCKINGBIRD.
ME NO CARE. ME JUSS WANT STOOPID TING GONE SO PEOPLE STOP STARING LARRY HED.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S THE THING, DAD... A SOCORRO MOCKINGBIRD IS PRETTY RARE.
SO WHUH? WHO CAREZ?
BIRDWATCHERS.
HEY
HEY
HEY.
GREET LIVES, PEOPLE.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?
YEAH, WELL, I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN
YOU HEAR ME, CHUMP?... TAKE YOU DOWN!!
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT GAME. YOU AIN'T GOT
I WILL WRECK YOU,
YOU MIGHT BE A TAD TOO COMPETITIVE...
...FOR CHUTES AND LADDERS.
YEAH? WELL, DOWN THE CHUTE YOU GO,
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT HE DID DURING "CANDY LAND".

SO HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND, LEAH?
GOOD... GOOD... TOOK DOWN A WATER BUFFALO YESTERDAY. MUST HAVE BEEN TEN TIMES HIS SIZE... AND HOW'S LARRY?
SO HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND, LEAH?
LOOK AT THE TIME.
TWEET TWEET TWEET
OHH, LOOK AT THE TIME.
For last time, me no will get worms for you babies.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A WOMAN'S HAT, LARRY?
No reason.
THAT'S ODD, 'CAUSE MY SISTER JUST CALLED AND SAID THE WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT YOU'VE GOT A BIRD ON YOUR HEAD THAT YOU CAN'T GET RID OF.
Okay okay... you has to know... if I tell you, okay?... Larry essplore hees feminine side.
I GIVE UP.
YOUR HEAD IS SQUAWKING, DAD.
OH, DAD JUSS GOT TOOOF BEING WOOMAN, SON.
SQUAWK
SQUAWK

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I GOT A JOB AS A CENSUS TAKER. SO I NEED YOU TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS. FIRST OFF, HOW ARE YOU REGISTERED POLITICALLY? REPUBLICAN? DEMOCRAT? GREEN PARTY?
NONE OF THOSE... I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEMS LIES NOT IN PARTIES NOR IN LEADERS, BUT IN THE HUMAN HEART.
I'M AFRAID "WEIRDO" ISN'T AN OPTION.

And juss when he tink he esscape, WHAM, me bite off zeeba hed!
HAHAHA Dat juss like gazelle me eet dis morning!
You is keel gazelle too, Floyd?
LARRY HAD A BRAN MUFFIN FOR BREAKFAST.
You got bird on hed, Larry.
Me know dat, Floyd.
LARRY LOOOVES TO BE REGULAR.

You got bird on hed, Larry.
Me know dat, Bob, so shut mouf. Me no can reech.
Here. Take bat. Hit self een face.
But bird no on face. Bird on hed.
Funnier my way.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me showing you larry top of anemal food chain, master of all specees, beeg and small.
Tweet Tweet Tweet
Preetend you no see dat.