Pearls Before Swine | Search

DO YOU REALIZE THAT IF YOU WERE TO GO INTO THE MEN'S ROOM OF THE SMALLEST BAR IN THE TINIEST TOWN IN AMERICA AND WRITE SOMETHING JUST ABOVE THE URINAL, YOU'D PROBABLY GET AT LEAST THREE PEOPLE TO READ IT
YEAH, SO
SO THAT'S THREE MORE PEOPLE THAN READ GOAT'S BLOG
PLEASE GO AWAY
HERE... FIND A RESTROOM
OH, GOAT, YOUR FIRST BIG BREAK

HEY, ZEBRA... WHATCHA WATCHING?
FUNERAL... FOR ONE OF THE CROCS.
I DIDN'T THINK THEY HELD FUNERALS.
I DIDN'T EITHER... AT LEAST I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE.
ME NEITHER.
YEAH, AND IT'S WEIRD, BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT IT THAT'S REASSURING.
HOW SO?
I DUNNO. I GUESS IT MAKES ME REALIZE THAT THEY, TOO, SUFFER LOSS... THAT THEY, TOO, NEED THE COMFORT OF CEREMONY AND THE COMPANY OF LOVED ONES TO GET THEM THROUGH... I MEAN, LOOK, THEY'VE EVEN BEEN EULOGIZING HIM.
Fred died. No one cares. Me take his beer.
NEVER MIND.
Hey... Why you get his beer, Larry?
Because me beegerr den you be.
Okay... Me keel Larry.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE HUMAN HAND CONTAINS MORE GERMS THAN THE HUMAN MOUTH?
SO?
SO WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE GREET EACH OTHER?
WE GRAB HANDS! FROM A HYGIENE PERSPECTIVE, WE MIGHT AS WELL KISS PEOPLE WE MEET ON THE MOUTH!
HOW DO YOU DO?

WHERE'S YOUR SEA ANEMONE ENEMY AND THE OPRAH OPERA AT THE O'PY OSPREY?
THEY WENT HOME.
GOOD, YOU MEAN WE'RE DONE WITH ALL THAT STUPID WORDPLAY?
YEAH, THE OSPREY HAD TO TAKE CARE OF HER SICK SON OWIE. I GUESS HER SISTER WAS FEEING IN HIS NUMBING SHOTS. AND HER TWO GIRLS, MOLLY AND ANNA, ARE TOO YOUNG TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. IT'S WEIRD 'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY TIME EVER MY ENEMIES HAVE LEFT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING TO ATTACK.
THAT'S QUITE AN ANOMALY!
WHAT'S AN ANOMALY?
THE ANNA, MOLLY AND NUMB OWIE ANOMALY.

PIG GETS A VISIT FROM HIS HEAT-
PACKING SEA ANEMONE ENEMY
PLEASE DON'T AIM AT ME, ANNIE MAY, MY SEA ANEMONE ENEMY, AND BRING ABOUT THE END OF ME .
IT IS NOT I, YOUR SEA ANEMONE ENEMY, YOU SHOULD FEAR, PIG. IT IS A SEA- BIRD WHOSE ONLY GOAL HAS TO BRING A DAYTIME TALK SHOW TO WATCH HER PERFORM 'LA BOHEME' AT A GRAND OLE COUNTRY MUSIC VENUE.
THE OPRAH
OPERA
AT THE
OPRY
OSPREY?
GREETINGS.
GIVE ME
THE GUN.
I'LL SHOOT
HIM
MYSELF.

WHERE'VE YOU BEEN THIS MORNING?
SAYING BON VOYAGE TO MY LIL' GUARD DUCK. HE WENT ON A CRUISE TO MEXICO. IT'S SILLY, BUT HE'S SO AFRAID TO LEAVE ME ALONE, AS THOUGH A GUY LIKE ME HAS ENEMIES.
LIKE ANNIE MAY, YOUR SEA ANEMONE ENEMY?
LET'S KEEP THIS CLOSED.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
PAINTING A BOOMERANG ON THE DOOR TO PEOPLE YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN. IT SYMBOLIZES HOW EX-GIRLFRIENDS AND OTHER IDIOTS YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN KEEP COMING BACK INTO YOUR LIFE.
PLEASE TELL MY EX I HAVE EARS.
SHE HAS EARS.
HEARD HER.

WHAT'S THAT, RAT?
THE "GHOST OF PEOPLE YOU NEVER WANT TO SEE AGAIN"... YOU KNOW, EX-LANDLORDS, OLD BOSSES, EX-GIRLFRIENDS...
POP QUIZ!
NINTH-GRADE ENGLISH TEACHERS.
I HAVEN'T EVEN READ THE CHAPTER.

WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON? THIS IS LAST WEEK'S STRIP.
IT'S EITHER COMICS REPEATS, SO I THOUGHT, WHY CAN'T WE?
BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE IT. I THINK COMICS SHOULD BE FRESH AND NEW.
BLAH BLAH BLAH... WHO CARES?
I CARE... YOU CAN'T JUST REPEAT SOMETHING YOU'VE ALREADY RUN. AT LEAST ADD SOMETHING TO THE ORIGINAL THAT'S FRESH AND FUNNY.
CHAT WITH THE SIMPLETONS AND IDIOTS AGAIN?
FINE. YOU WANT SOMETHING NEW AND FUNNY? I'LL ADD SOMETHING NEW AND FUNNY.
I THINK YOU'RE GONNA REGRET THIS.
MOP THE TARDIS IMPALES RATS.
KSSSHHHHH
YOU WERE RIGHT. WE'LL ADD SOMETHING NEW AND FUNNY TO EVERY STRIP.
I THINK I PREFER THE ORIGINAL.
WE SHOULD RUN.

HIYA, GOAT. WANT SOME DINNER? I'M COOKING LIVER AND ONIONS.
NO. TOO DEPRESSED.
HOW COME?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO ON A DATE TONIGHT, BUT THE GIRL JUST CALLED AND SAID SHE'S GOING OUT WITH SOME OTHER GUY... I WAS LIKE, WHAT AM I, CHOPPED LIVER?
WHAT THE @#*&! IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
GUYS, GUYS, GUYS..
A STINKING LOSER IS WHAT YOU ARE
WHY MUST I LIVE IN A COMIC STRIP?

FINALLY GOT RID OF CABLE AS A WAY TO SAVE MONEY. FIGURE I CAN SKIP T.V.
YEAH. I THINK WE'RE ALL FIGURING OUT WAYS TO SAVE MONEY. I'M SKIPPING EATING OUT.
YEAH. I SKIP MOVIES
HAIRCUTS.
SOME THINGS SHOULDN'T BE SKIPPED.
OH, AND SOAP. I'M NOW AU NATUREL.
BREATHING. I'IL SKIP BREATHING.

DOES SOMEONE ON "FACEBOOK"
SEE IT WHEN
YOU DECLINE
THEIR FRIEND
REQUEST?
NO. ALL THEY
NOTICE IS
THAT YOU'RE
STILL NOT
ON THEIR
FRIEND LIST.
SO THEY DON'T
GET A MESSAGE
THAT SAYS, "RAT
HAS REJECTED
YOUR OFFER OF
FRIENDSHIP"?
OH, DEFINITELY
NOT. I'M SURE
"FACEBOOK"
WOULD NEVER
WANT TO
HUMILIATE
SOMEONE
LIKE THAT.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
END OF
CONVERSATION.
IT SHOULD
SAY, "RAT
HAS REJECTED
YOUR SAD
LITTLE
LOSERFACE."

FOUND THE FAT MAN!
SOME PEOPLE WATCH ALFRED HITCHCOCK MOVIES FOR MORE THAN JUST SPOTTING THE ALFRED HITCHCOCK CAMEOS.
OFF TO RENT MORE.

Whuh you reading, Bob?
Ees bok on how crocs keel prey with death roll.
Roll keel dem?
Oh, yeah. It snap neck. Why?
Peese. Eet wid dinner.

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND, SMOKEY THE BEAR?
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.
HE'D PROBABLY LIKE IT IF YOU BOUGHT HIM A BEER.
WHY SHOULD I BUY HIM A BEER?
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT SMOKEY GOING HOME SOBER.
THIS COULD GET ANNOYING.
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT SMOKEY GOING HOME LONELY.
CREEP.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A HALO AND WINGS?
I, RAT, HAVE FOUND RELIGION.
YOU?
YES, MY BROTHER. I AM EVEN FASTING FOR LENT.
FASTING?...WHAT ARE YOU GIVING UP?...MEATS?...ALCOHOL?
MORONS.
MORONS?
YES, BROTHER. FOR THE NEXT 24 DAYS, I WILL NO LONGER CHAT WITH THE SIMPLETONS AND IDIOTS AROUND ME.
HOW CAN YOU CLAIM TO BE RELIGIOUS IF YOU'RE GOING AROUND CALLING PEOPLE YOU TALK TO "MORONS" AND "SIMPLETONS" AND "IDIOTS"?
YOU'RE NOT GONNA RESPOND?
I'D BE BREAKING MY FAST.
WHY DO I—
AWAY, CHOWDERHEAD! TEMPT ME NOT!!

I SAW THE PRETTIEST WOMAN YESTERDAY. I JUST FELL HEAD OVER HEELS.
YOU REALLY LOVED HER, HUH?
NO. I JUST FEW. HEAD OVER HEELS.
I SHOULD WATCH WHERE I'M GOING.

HEY, RAT, THE GUY WHO OWNS
OUR ENTIRE AVENUE AND
BUILT ALL THE HOUSES ON IT
IS AT OUR FRONT DOOR AND
SAYS OUR RENT IS DUE.
HOW DO YOU
KNOW IT'S
HIM?
BECAUSE HE LOOKS
LIKE A RICH GUY
THAT WOULD DO
THAT SORT OF
THING.
WHAT THE HECK'S
THAT S'POSED TO
MEAN?... TELL
HIM WE WANT
SOME I.D.
MY FRIEND WOULD LIKE SOME I.D.

HEY RAT, THANKS
FOR LETTING ME
STAY AT YOUR
HOUSE WHILE
MINE IS BEING
PAINTED.
IT'S NO SKIN
OFF MY
NOSE, DUDE.
PIG'S THE ONE
VOLUNTEERING
HIS BEDROOM.
THIS IS PIG'S BEDROOM?
YEP, THIS IS
WHERE THE
MAGIC HAPPENS.
THE WHAT??
TA- DAAAAAAAAAAAAA
NEVER
MIND.
AND WHOOOOO
WOULD LIKE TO BE
SAWED IN HALF
BY THE GREAT
PIGINI??
PSST...
DON'T
VOLUNTEER.

I SURE MISS PHONE BOOTHS.
WHO NEEDS STUPID PHONE BOOTHS WHEN EVERYONE HAS A CELL PHONE?
FORGOT ABOUT THAT GUY.

YOU EVER FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE NOT AS YOUNG AS YOU'D LIKE TO THINK? LIKE MAYBE YOU'RE OLD NOW? I MEAN, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
CAN YOU REMEMBER THESE?
OH, GAWD.
HEY, PIG ... GOAT'S OLD.
HA HA HA... WHAT IS THAT?

YOU EVER HAD A FRIEND AS CLOSE AS RAT IS TO ME WHO ONE DAY JUST THREW YOU UNDER THE BUS?
OH, PIG... DID RAT BETRAY YOU?
NO.
WHAT'D HE DO?
HE THREW ME UNDER THE BUS.
WHAT'S THIS BETRAYAL THING?

Whuh you doing, Bob?
Beeg gopher paratroop drop on zebra property. Ees Bob's Beeg Plan.
Para-troop drop?
Yeah. Me teach gophers to parachute jump off beeg cliff and trow grenade at moment dey ees hit ground.
How dey remember all dat?
Protectee, Larry, protectee, protectee, protectee, protectee. Dat key to military. Soldier ees protectee so many time it become like
Me sense flaw een plan, Bob.

WHAT ARE YOU WRITING, PIG?
GAME SHOW CONCEPTS…SEE, I’VE BEEN WATCHING THIS SHOW CALLED “MINUTE TO WIN IT,” (WHICH HAS THESE CHALLENGES YOU HAVE TO ACCOMPLISH IN A MINUTE), SO I THOUGHT, WHY NOT DO THE SAME THING, BUT SET IT IN A BATHROOM?
I SEE…AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
“HOUR TO SHOWER.”
UH…I DON’T THINK—
OKAY OKAY OKAY HOW ‘BOUT “DAY TO GO POTTAY.”

HEY, STEPH, YOU WENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA AT BERKELEY, RIGHT?
YEP. I'M A CAL BEAR FOR LIFE.
AND DOES YOUR SCHOOL HAVE A RIVAL CALLED...UHH... "STANFORD"?
YEP. WE CAN'T STAND 'EM. WHY?
NO REASON.
TAKE IT OFF.
PIPE DOWN, SAD PUBLIC SCHOOL HIPPIE BOY.