Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY, RAT. I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU, BUT IT'S CONFIDENTIAL, SO I'M GONNA WHISPER IT.
WHY WHISPER?
I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE ON THE COMICS PAGE TO HEAR US.
HEAR US? HOW CAN THEY--
CREEAAK.
SHE'S QUITE THE GOSSIP.
HOPE SHE DOESN'T BUST THROUGH.
I HEARD THAT.

YO, CARTOON BOY... WE GOT ISSUES.
WHAT NOW?
I'M TIRED OF TELLING QUALITY JOKES AND NOT GETTING ENOUGH ACCOLADES FOR THEM.
OH, YEAH? AND WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE?
LET ME SHOW YOU. SET ME UP WITH A 'PEARLS' LINE.
OKAY, FINE... IF YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
THE LIVING ONE.
WOOHOOHOOHOO
SPRING
YOU ARE NOT DOING THE LAMBEAU LEAP AFTER EVERY JOKE.
WHAT ARE YOU - A VIKINGS FAN?

HELLO, HOW WAS YOUR TRIP TO WASHINGTON? DID YOU GET THE CROCS BANNED?
NO. THE CROCS GAVE OUR SENATOR MORE CASH THAN US, SO HE VOTED FOR THEM. AND MAN, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A WHOLE LOT OF CASH.
WHAT?? WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE THEY'RE SHOOTING YOU ON THE CAPITOL STEPS AT DAWN.
CURSE THIS HIGHEST BIDDER DEMOCRACY!!!
ON A BRIGHTER NOTE, THEY GOT YOU THIS COMPLIMENTARY BLINDFOLD AND CIGARETTE.

Okay, guys, me hear zeeba
geeeving monies to gover-
mint to ban crocs. So we
crocs need geev governmint
more monies den zeebas.
Where
we
geet
monies?
Croc skin
valuabul. So
efery time croc
die, we ees
take skin
and sell.
Oooh…Gud
idea, larry.
So now we
jus wait
for croc
to die.
Me speed up
process.

YOU FELLAS JUST CAN'T WALK INTO A CONGRESSMAN'S OFFICE AND HAND ME CASH AND SAY, "HERE'S A BRIBE."
WE KNOW, SIR.
WE'RE SORRY.
BY THE WAY, DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE A CAT FAN, BUT IF SO, WE INVITE YOU TO REACH INTO THAT FUR AND GIVE HIM A RUB.
THAT'S QUITE A CAT.
STICK YOUR HAND IN OUR KITTY ANYTIME, SIR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR "BANNING CROSSES" PETITION?
I GAVE UP. NO ONE'S REGISTERED TO VOTE.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
WHAT ANYONE WHO WANTS TO CHANGE THE LAW HAS TO DO... HIRE A LOBBYIST TO PERSUADE MY CONGRESSMAN.
HAVE A BRIBE.
WE CALL THEM "CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS."
TOMAYTO TOMAHTO.

HEY, RAT, ASSUMING YOU'VE REGISTERED TO VOTE, COULD YOU PLEASE SIGN MY PETITION TO BAN REPTILES FROM OUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BAN REPTILES?
REGISTER TO VOTE.
WHY DO I TRY?
HEY, GUYS, SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES IN VOTING.
PHOTO FOR THE FREAK FILE, SIR?
AND HE LOOKS SO NORMAL.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
HI, PIG... I'M CIRCULATING A PETITION TO BAN REPTILES FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD... CARE TO SIGN?
ABSOLUTELY NOT. WE'VE GOT SOME IN OUR BATHROOM.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE THEM IN YOUR BATHROOM?
SINCE WE RE-DID THE COUNTER.
REPTILES. NOT RED TILES.
RIPPED TILES? I SHOULD HOPE NOT. THEY'RE NEW.

DANNY DONKEY HATED LIFE.
HE HATED THE ROUTINE. HE HATED THE OBLIGATIONS. HE HATED THE COLD.
SO DANNY DONKEY WENT TO KEY WEST.
THERE, HE SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
AND SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
AND SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
THEN ONE DAY HE GOT A CALL FROM HIS MOTHER. "VACATION IS ONE THING," SAID HIS MOTHER, "BUT YOU CANNOT LIVE OUT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DRINKING ON A BEACH."
"WHY IS THAT?" SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"BECAUSE LIFE MUST HAVE BALANCE," SHE SAID. "AND GOALS. AND ACHIEVEMENTS."
SO DANNY DONKEY PAUSED. FOR HE KNEW THAT HIS MOTHER WAS RIGHT.
SO DANNY DONKEY BALANCED A BEER ON HIS HEAD AND SET A GOAL OF THROWING HIS EMPTY CANS IN THE SEA.
KERPLUNK
"AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, KIDS."
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER. DANNY DONKEY. MOTHER'S DAY GIFT BOOK.
LOOK AT ME, MAMMA! LOOK AT ME!

PIG, I'VE DECIDED THAT WITH YOUR DIM PROSPECTS, YOU SHOULD LIVE LIFE BACKWARDS. TURN YOUR BACK UPON THE PAINFUL PRESENT AND UNSIGHTLY FUTURE AND GAZE SOLELY UPON THE JOY THAT WAS THE PAST.
I DIDN'T HAVE A JOYFUL PAST.
I'VE DECIDED YOU SHOULD LIVE LIFE IN A BURLAP BAG.

GOOD AFTERNOON, ZEBRA. AS YOU MAY NOTICE, I'VE HAD MY SPEECH NOTABLY IMPROVED BY GENETIC ENGINEERING, A RISKY PROCEDURE THAT EITHER GREATLY ENHANCES OR DIMINISHES THE GENES THAT CONTROL SPEECH. BOB HERE HAS HAD THE PROCEDURE ALSO.
Wubba. Wubba. Koosh. Koosh.
HIS WAS NOT AS SUCCESSFUL.

DO YOUNG WOMEN
HAVE MAGNETS IN
THEIR HEADS THAT
ARE ACTIVATED BY
CAMERAS?
OF
COURSE
NOT.
WHY?
SAY
CHEESE.
CHEEEEEEEESE
I COULD BE WRONG.

HEY, PIG, WHERE YOU BEEN THIS MORNING?
NOWHERE... I WAS JUST

CREeeEEAK
WHAM
THERE'S ONE FOR THE BLOOPER REEL.

Well, noawun, look like zeeba try deeg seecret tunnel out of hees house, but ees okay, because me has Bob cover exit hole.
THAT’S A FIRE ANT MOUND.
Dat bad news for Bob.

HI. I NEED TO RETURN A BOOK THAT'S ELEVEN DAYS OVERDUE. WILL THE FINE BE LARGE?
OH, WE STOP ADDING TO THE FINE AFTER TEN DAYS. OTHERWISE, IT GETS TOO BIG.
OH, GOOD. SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT'S OVER THAT?
THIS SEEMS EXCESSIVE.

Hullo, zeeba neighba.
WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP ?
Memorial service for cousin Nick. He die.
OH... WELL... I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. IF IT'S ANY COMFORT, I'M SURE HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE.
Yeah. Me sure too.
ON YOUR FEET.
HOW YOU LIKE AFTERLIFE, NICK ?

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
IT'S MY DECEASED FRIEND, WILLY THE WOODPECKER. I GUESS HE JUST WORE HIMSELF OUT CONSTANTLY BANGING HIS FOREHEAD INTO A TREE.
WOODPECKERS DON'T USE THEIR FOREHEADS. THEY USE THEIR BEAKS.
WILLY WOULD HAVE FOUND THAT INFORMATION USEFUL.

Whuh you dooeng, Larry?
Me hiding een zeeba garbage. When zeeba empty trash, he ees keel.
Dat great idea. Me hide een one next you.
@#!*% YOU, @#!*%!!
Dat guy reelly ees grouch.

SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HIT OR STAY?
WELL, LET'S SEE, I'VE GOT A MR. JACK AND AN ACE...SO MAYBE I SHOULD STAY?
OHHHH...YOU DON'T WANT MR. JACK TO BE LONELY, DO YOU? HE'S GOT NO PEOPLE FRIENDS.
THEN GIVE MY JACKIE PEOPLE FRIENDS!
TWO KINGS!
SIR, YOU'RE LOSING ALL YOUR--
JACKIE'S GOT SOME PEOPLE FRIENDS!

WHY DO YOU HAVE A
SLOT MACHINE IN
YOUR LIVING ROOM?
WE FOUND AN
INDIAN BASKET IN
OUR BACKYARD.
OUR HOUSE IS
NOW A CASINO.
AN INDIAN BASKET? DID YOU LOOK
ON THE BOTTOM OF THIS? IT SAYS
"MACY'S."
SO THAT
WAS OUR
TRIBE.
THAT IS
NOT A
TRIBE.
HOW
FIERCE
WERE
THESE
MACY'S?

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
IT'S AN INDIAN BASKET. I WAS DIGGING IN OUR BACKYARD AND I FOUND IT.
AN INDIAN BASKET? THIS MUST HAVE ONCE BEEN THE HOME OF A NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBE... DO YOU REALIZE HOW CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT THIS IS? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.
NO.
AND LOOK! RAT FOUND A BLACKJACK TABLE!

Hullo zeeba neighba. Dis Pastor Bob. He say you commit sin by no being courteous to crocs. But ees okay eef you confess sins, get penance.
WHAT'S THE PENANCE FOR NOT BEING COURTEOUS?
Four hour on “Barbecue O’ Forgeeveness.”
Dat one sacraleigious zeeba.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOING TO THE QUEST FOR THE PERFECT BEA ARTHUR. I'M TAKING MY PAL FLOYD. HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE IT.
WHO'S BEA ARTHUR?
THE WOMAN FROM 'MAUDE' AND 'THE GOLDEN GIRLS'... THE GOAL IS TO LOOK LIKE HER, BUT NOT OVERDO IT.
HOW COULD YOU OVERDO IT?
SOME PEOPLE DRESS EXACTLY LIKE SHE DID ON THE SHOWS. THAT LOOKS TOO CORNY.
SO WHAT DO YOU TRY TO DO?
BE CASUAL. YOU KNOW, LOOK LIKE BEA ARTHUR, BUT NOT LOOK LIKE BEA ARTHUR... SO DO YOU THINK I OVERDID IT?
I THINK THAT ISN'T WHAT I'M SHOOTING FOR. I'M SHOOTING FOR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF BEA ARTHUR.
SO WHY ARE YOU ASKING US?
TO BEA OR NOT TO BEA? THAT IS THE QUEST, CHAN.
WHICH ONE'S YOUR DRAWING HAND?

HEY PIG... CHECK OUT MY NEW VENUS FLY TRAP. IT KILLS FLIES.
OH, YEAH? HOW'S IT DO THAT?
THE FLY LANDS ON ITS LEAVES AND GETS TRAPPED AND DIES.
WHAT IF THE FLY DOESN'T LAND ON ITS LEAVES?
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
IT'S PRETTY RESOURCEFUL.

WHOA. THAT GIRL IS CUTE.
YEAH, SHE IS. I'LL DO MY HOT LOOK.
WHAT'S YOUR HOT LOOK?
WHERE I SQUINT SEDUCTIVELY AND PUFF OUT MY SENSUOUS LIPS AND FLEX MY BICEPS.
WHOA. THAT GIRL IS HOLDING HER STOMACH AND RUNNING INTO THE RESTROOM.
JUST MY LUCK. I PICK THE ONE WITH FOOD SICKNESS.