Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
IT'S THE ORACLE AT DELPHI.
THE ORACLE?
YES, YOU GIVE US GIFTS. WE DIVINE YOUR FUTURE.
WOW, THAT'S GOOD. BUT IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY, THE ORACLE JUST INVOLVED A PRIESTESS SITTING NEXT TO A HOLE THAT POURED OUT SMOKE.
IT WAS ATLAS THAT HELD THE SPHERE. AND IT WAS THE CELESTIAL SPHERE, NOT THE EARTH.
IN THE FUTURE, YOU ARE LESS MOBILE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LAPTOP?! IT'S SMASHED TO PIECES!!
It had da Google.
GOOGLE'S ON EVERY COMPUTER, DAD.
Whoa... Tell Mom me be late for dinner.

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR FATHER?
HE'S MEETING WITH THE OTHER CROC'S. THEY'RE FORMING A POSSE.
A POSSE? TO DO WHAT?
KEEL DA GOOGLE!
PLEASE CLOSE THE DRAPES.
I'M BETTING ON THE GOOGLE.

HEY HEY HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ON THE BORDER OF RATOPIA?
PIG ASKED ME TO COME OVER AND SPRAY THIS MOSS KILLER ON YOUR LAWN.
WELL, YOU NEED TO ASK FIRST. WE DON'T LIKE BORDER INCURSIONS.
OH. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT… AFTER ALL, I AM CARRYING WEAPONS OF MOSS DESTRUCTION.
BOOT
WE'RE NOT TOO KEEN ON PUNS EITHER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Larry hiding. Zeeba neighba have new all-knowing ally called Da Google.
GOOGLE? GOOGLE'S A SEARCH TOOL.
Dat why me HIDING.
I'M MOVING IN WITH MY MOTHER.
HA! Da Google still find you.

HIYA, RAT. MIND IF GOAT AND I WATCH T.V.?
I DO. I'VE ANNEXED THE T.V. SITTING AREA AS PART OF RATOPIA... I NEEDED A BUFFER STATE.
A BUFFER STATE? WHY IS IT CALLED A BUFFER STATE?
BECAUSE I AM BUFFER THAN YOU. AND IF YOU TOUCH IT, I SHALL PUNCH YOU.
THAT IS NOT THE MEANING OF BUFFER STATE.
DO I SENSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT?
C'MON, GOAT... LETS GO FIND WIMPYLAND.

WHY'D YOU DRAW A LINE ON OUR FLOOR, RAT?
IT'S THE BOUNDARY OF RATOPIA, A SOVEREIGN NATION WITHIN WHICH I AM THE KING, CZAR, DICTATOR AND HEAD CHEESE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE THAT.
BOOT
WE HAVE A VERY AGGRESSIVE FOREIGN POLICY.

HEY DA... WHY YOU HIDING BEHIND THE CURTAIN?
Zeeba neighba has new ally. Super smart guy. Lives in zeeba house. Zeeba turn to heem for answer to everytheeng.
DA GOOGLE.
SO YOU'RE HIDING FROM HIM?
Of course me hiding. Leesten, son... When guy dat smart, you not know what he do.
DID ZEBRA SAY HIS NAME?
DA GOOGLE.
DAD COULD YOU USE A COMPUTER CLASS.
YOU NO TAKE ME ALIVE, DA GOOGLE!

LOOK AT THIS ARTICLE ON MEN'S PRISONS. EVERYONE'S IN AN UPROAR BECAUSE THE STATE'S DEBATING DOING AWAY WITH CONJUGAL VISITS.
OH, GEE. BIG DEAL. THOSE ARE NO FUN ANYHOW.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT A CONJUGAL VISIT IS?
OF COURSE I DO.
WHAT?
WHEN A MAN AND A WOMAN SIT TOGETHER IN A ROOM AND CONJUGATE VERBS.
NEVER MIND.
I SIT. YOU SIT. THEY SIT. OH, BOY... ARE WE HAVING FUN YET?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, RAT?
MY ANGELS ARE ABOUT TO WRESTLE WITH MY DEMONS FOR THE POSSESSION OF MY VERY SOUL!
WE GIVE UP.
MY ANGELS LEAVE SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED.

WHO'S THAT OVER YOUR SHOULDER, RAT?
THIS IS LITTLE JEDEDIAH, MY GUARDIAN ANGEL... HIS JOB IS TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME AND MAKE SURE I LEAD A LOVING, CARING, RESPONSIBLE LIFE.
YO.
LET'S GET HAMMERED.
HE'S NOT MUCH HELP.

PSST... THE WORLD IS RUN BY THE COUNCIL OF COWS. THEY SIT AROUND A BIG TABLE AND MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS. PASS IT ON.
SHHH! NOT SO LOUD.
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP? THE WORLD IS NOT RUN BY A COUNCIL OF COWS.
I'LL SAY IT AS LOUD AS I WANT... WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
I WANT HIM DEAD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GUARD DUCK?
WRITING AN ANGRY LETTER TO "McDONALD'S"... IF WE'RE GONNA ELIMINATE THE COW MENACE, WE'RE GONNA NEED THEM TO MAKE A LOT MORE HAMBURGERS. RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE BARELY SCRATCHING THE SURFACE OF COW-DOM.
YOU PSYCHOTIC DUCK. YOU REALLY THINK ANYONE AT A CORPORATION AS BIG AS "McDONALD'S" IS GONNA CARE ABOUT ONE ANGRY LETTER?

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR LAWN? ARE YOU TRYING TO GROW WEEDS? THE NEIGHBORHOOD HAS RULES ABOUT LAWN CARE.
IT'S JUST A NEW TYPE OF LAWN THAT GROWS TALL... IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WEEDS.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?
OKAY. FINE. ONE WEED. BUT TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE STILL WRONG BECAUSE THEN I'M NOT GROWING WEEDS... I'M GROWING WEED.
THAT'S ONE STRICT LAWN CARE RULE.

Assassin Log:
DAY ONE
Today me see T.V. nature show about crocs.
Me see one croc who lurk all day een shallow swamp and wait for zeeba arrive.
Zeeba finaly arrive. He no qwekk nutheeng. Croc pop out of reeds. Croc snap zeeba nekk.
Today me try exakk same ting.
GET OUT OF MY POOL, LARRY.
T.V. beeg fat lie.

HI..WELCOME TO HAPPY HOMES MORTUARY…HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
Hallo. Ve understann you ees king of ded tings. Ve vunt hire you.
ALRIGHT...AND WHO IS THE DECEASED?
Duhseased? Oh, zeeba not duhseased. Dat why we here.
SIR, WE DON’T KILL. WE JUST BURY.
Oh, YOU beeg REEP OFF.
Me vant see manager.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
WE GOT A WII. WE'VE GOT GOLF, TENNIS, BASEBALL. NOW WE'RE TRYING OUT THE BOXING.
BAM BAM BAM
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY PUNCH THE OTHER GUY.
OHHHHHH...
LET'S TRY GOLF.

HEY, GOAT... WANNA BUY A 'LOSER PHONE'?
WHAT'S THAT?
A BROKEN CELL PHONE. YOU TAKE IT TO PARTIES AND IF YOU'RE A LOSER THAT NOBODY TALKS TO, YOU CAN PRETEND YOU'RE TEXTING PEOPLE ON IT. GIVES PEOPLE THE IMPRESSION YOU HAVE FRIENDS AT A FRACTION OF A REGULAR CELL PHONE'S PRICE.
NOW WHO'S GONNA DO THAT?

LOOK AT THIS SAD LITTLE KEY ON MY KEYBOARD... IT JUST SAYS 'SYS RQ.' IT NEVER GETS PRESSED. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT FROM THE MANUAL WHAT IT'S FOR.
WHO CARES? JUST PRESS IT AND SEE.
' SYSTEM REQUIRES COMPLETE DEMOLITION.'
HEY, GOAT, LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT THE 'SYS RQ' KEY ON YOUR KEYBOARD DOES...

WHAT ARE YOU SO GIDDY ABOUT?
THE NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE STREET ARE HAVING A CIRCUS... AND I'M GONNA GO!!... WANNA COME WITH??
I THINK I'LL PASS.
OH, C'MON. WE'LL HAVE A GAS.

YOU SEEN RAT TODAY?
YEAH. HE FEELS IGNORED BECAUSE HE'S NOT GETTING ENOUGH TIME IN THE STRIP LATELY, SO HE'S GIVING OUT YOUR HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER IN PANEL THREE.
AND REMEMBER, FOLKS, TO MAKE STEPHAN PAY DAY OR NIGHT, THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS (510) 75—
WHY WOULD YOU—
I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, PASTIS.
ANGRY FAN ON LINE TWO, STEPH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, LARRY?
Me ees writing eendiary Bob buy for me at grocery stare. Me get idea from 'assassin log' me see on TV spy show.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Me ees ASSASSIN, womun. Me keap log of who me ees gonna KEEL, how me ees gonna keel, and when me ees gonna EET dem.
THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE MORE MENACING IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE HELLO KITTY PRINTED ON EVERY PAGE.
Me told you no to buy dis one.
Is only one stare have.
OH, NO ... IS THAT YOUR FIERCE 'HELWO KITTY' FACE?

I'M THINKING ABOUT MAKING IT MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY TO LOVE OTHERS.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE I FEAR THE MORONS WILL DISAPPOINT ME.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START YOUR SPIRITUAL JOURNEY BY NOT THINKING OF OTHERS AS "MORONS."
I SEE THE TASK IS INSURMOUNTABLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SPRAYING THIS POLISH ON OUR TABLES. THE LABEL SAYS IT RESTORES STUFF TO ITS 'ORIGINAL LUSTER.' I'M DONE IF YOU WANT TO USE IT.
PSSHHHHHHHHHH...
SIGH.

LOOK, RAT, I'M COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS WITH MY NEW HOMEMADE CALENDAR. YOU OPEN A PRIZE BOX FOR EACH DAY THAT PASSES. IT'S CALLED AN ADVIL CALENDAR.
ADVENT.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR FILLING THE PRIZE BOXES WITH PAIN RELIEVER.