Pearls Before Swine | Search

STORY UPDATE: Larry has sat for weeks with a rare Socorro Mockingbird on his head. A group of birdwatchers now follows Larry's every move
IS THAT REALLY A SOCORRO, DAD?
YES, SON, AND THERE ARE ONLY FIFTY IN THE WORLD.
BUT IS HE SAFE UP THERE, DAD?
OH, YES, SON. HIGH UP OFF THE GROUND, HE'S PROTECTED FROM ALL HIS NATURAL PREDATORS, SUCH AS CATS AND--
CRUNCH CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
LOOKS LIKE CATS HAVE ADAPTED, DAD.
IN YOUR FACE, FREAKY BIRD PEOPLE!

I'M SURPRISED YOU COULD GET
SNUFFLES THE CAT TO BE A
HELICATTY AND ATTACK DRAMA
COW. I THOUGHT HE WAS STILL
BITTER ABOUT YOU CHOOSING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND AURA OVER
HIM LAST YEAR.
OH, THAT'S
BEHIND US
NOW...CATS
CAN BE
PRETTY
FORGIVING.
YOU MAY
HAVE A
POINT.
THERE MAY STILL BE
SOME LINGERING
FEELINGS.

BAD NEWS, SIR...THE BLACK HAWK HELICOPTERS HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FLUSH OUT DRAMA COW.
OH, GOOD. LET'S GIVE UP NOW.
NO NEED TO GIVE UP, SIR. THE MILITARY HAS UNMANNED PREDATOR DRONES ARMED WITH HELLFIRE MISSILES THAT CAN FLY IN AND TAKE OUT ENEMY COMBATANTS. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET MY HANDS ON ONE, BUT I DO HAVE SOMETHING CLOSE.
WHAT?
HELLO KITTY WITH A HAND GRENADE.
PURR PURR
PERP PERP PERP
BAD KITTY BAD KITTY

Danny Donkey hated people.
He hated their greed. He hated their pettiness. He hated their pigness.
But most of all, he hated that
there were 6,000,000,000 of them.
So Danny Donkey visited a spiritual guru.
Climb a great mountain with a group of strangers, said the spiritual guru. The shared challenge will bring you a new perspective.
So Danny Donkey climbed to the top of Mount Everest with a group of five strangers.
And pushed them off.
This is Danny Donkey’s guide to spiritual fulfillment
YAY, said Danny. Only 5,999,999,975 to go.
I am so fulfilled I could cry.

WHAT THE @#$* IS GOING ON HERE?
GUARD DUCK IS CALLING IN AIR SUPPORT TO GET DRAMA CON... THEY'RE GONNA BOMB OUR HOUSE.
BOMB OUR HOUSE?! THAT FEATHERBRAIN'S NOT GONNA BOMB MY HOUSE!
I KNOW. IT'S CRAZY. HE'S CALLED IN EIGHT AIRSTRIKES AND EACH ONE HAS TAKEN OUT A DIFFERENT ONE OF OUR NEIGHBORS' HOMES.
MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST LET THE MILITARY DO ITS JOB.
HI, NEIGHBOR BO... DID YOU GET YOUR 'WOOSIES' FRUIT BASKET?

CAN I GO BACK IN MY HOUSE NOW, GUARD DUCK?
SIR, THERE IS A BOMBIE IN THAT DOMICILE... NO ONE IS GOING ANYWHERE UNTIL AIR SUPPORT HAS DONE ITS JOB.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
THAT MEANS A BLACK HAWK HELICOPTER IS GONNA TAKE OUT THAT CON, AND IF THAT MEANS BOMBING THAT LITTLE BLUE HOUSE TO SMITHEREENS, WELL, THEN THAT'S JUST THE PRICE OF FREEDOM.
WE LIVE IN THE YELLOW HOUSE.
CORPORAL... SEND 'BLUE-HOUSE GUY' A FRUIT BASKET... PUT 'WOOPSIES' ON THE CARD.

HEY, LI'L GUARD DUCK, WHERE YOU GOING?
DINING FACILITY, SIR... A.K.A. THE KITCHEN... THERE APPEARS TO BE SOME AWFUL NOISE COMING FROM THERE.
MAN THE TORPEDOES!!
OUR HOUSEHOLD DOES NOT FUNCTION AS IT SHOULD.
WHERE IS A FLAMETHROWER WHEN YOU NEED ONE??

DUDE, YOUR NEW FRIEND BETTER SHUT UP...I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
BUT MY CAT RAN AWAY IN THE THIRD GRADE!! AND THEN LATER ON I WAS AT THE MALL AND I SAW A PUPPY BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY AND THEN I SAW MY EIGHTH GRADE TEACHER AND I DIDN'T LIKE HER SO MUCH! AND MY PIZZA DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH PEPPERONI AND THEN LATER ON I STUBBED MY TOE MY TOE HURT AND HURT. AND MY FAVORITE MITTENS WERE LOST. FOREVER.
DRAMA COW, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD STOP YAPPING FOR A BIT?
THE MOUTH THING IS PERMANENT?
IT'S A DRAMA COW THING.

HEY, RAT, HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW FRIEND, KATIE THE DRAMA COW? SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO MEET ME HERE TODAY.
HOW WOULD I KNOW? I'VE NEVER MET HER.
MOO! UWACK AAAAAAAAAH UWCHING AAAAAH RECTUM SURPRISE! HUT HUT HUT HUT!
I MAY HAVE FOUND HER.

OKAY, DAD, I DID SOME RESEARCH ON YOUR BIRD... IT'S A SOCORRO MOCKINGBIRD.
ME NO CARE. ME JUSS WANT STOOPID TING GONE SO PEOPLE STOP STARING LARRY HED.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S THE THING, DAD... A SOCORRO MOCKINGBIRD IS PRETTY RARE.
SO WHUH? WHO CAREZ?
BIRDWATCHERS.
HEY
HEY
HEY.
GREET LIVES, PEOPLE.

YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS?
YEAH, WELL, I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN
YOU HEAR ME, CHUMP?... TAKE YOU DOWN!!
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT GAME. YOU AIN'T GOT
I WILL WRECK YOU,
YOU MIGHT BE A TAD TOO COMPETITIVE...
...FOR CHUTES AND LADDERS.
YEAH? WELL, DOWN THE CHUTE YOU GO,
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT HE DID DURING "CANDY LAND".

SO HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND, LEAH?
GOOD... GOOD... TOOK DOWN A WATER BUFFALO YESTERDAY. MUST HAVE BEEN TEN TIMES HIS SIZE... AND HOW'S LARRY?
SO HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND, LEAH?
LOOK AT THE TIME.
TWEET TWEET TWEET
OHH, LOOK AT THE TIME.
For last time, me no will get worms for you babies.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING A WOMAN'S HAT, LARRY?
No reason.
THAT'S ODD, 'CAUSE MY SISTER JUST CALLED AND SAID THE WORD ON THE STREET IS THAT YOU'VE GOT A BIRD ON YOUR HEAD THAT YOU CAN'T GET RID OF.
Okay okay... you has to know... if I tell you, okay?... Larry essplore hees feminine side.
I GIVE UP.
YOUR HEAD IS SQUAWKING, DAD.
OH, DAD JUSS GOT TOOOF BEING WOOMAN, SON.
SQUAWK
SQUAWK

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I GOT A JOB AS A CENSUS TAKER. SO I NEED YOU TO ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS. FIRST OFF, HOW ARE YOU REGISTERED POLITICALLY? REPUBLICAN? DEMOCRAT? GREEN PARTY?
NONE OF THOSE... I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE SOLUTION TO OUR PROBLEMS LIES NOT IN PARTIES NOR IN LEADERS, BUT IN THE HUMAN HEART.
I'M AFRAID "WEIRDO" ISN'T AN OPTION.

And juss when he tink he esscape, WHAM, me bite off zeeba hed!
HAHAHA Dat juss like gazelle me eet dis morning!
You is keel gazelle too, Floyd?
LARRY HAD A BRAN MUFFIN FOR BREAKFAST.
You got bird on hed, Larry.
Me know dat, Floyd.
LARRY LOOOVES TO BE REGULAR.

You got bird on hed, Larry.
Me know dat, Bob, so shut mouf. Me no can reech.
Here. Take bat. Hit self een face.
But bird no on face. Bird on hed.
Funnier my way.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me showing you larry top of anemal food chain, master of all specees, beeg and small.
Tweet Tweet Tweet
Preetend you no see dat.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
IT'S THE ORACLE AT DELPHI.
THE ORACLE?
YES, YOU GIVE US GIFTS. WE DIVINE YOUR FUTURE.
WOW, THAT'S GOOD. BUT IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY, THE ORACLE JUST INVOLVED A PRIESTESS SITTING NEXT TO A HOLE THAT POURED OUT SMOKE.
IT WAS ATLAS THAT HELD THE SPHERE. AND IT WAS THE CELESTIAL SPHERE, NOT THE EARTH.
IN THE FUTURE, YOU ARE LESS MOBILE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LAPTOP?! IT'S SMASHED TO PIECES!!
It had da Google.
GOOGLE'S ON EVERY COMPUTER, DAD.
Whoa... Tell Mom me be late for dinner.

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR FATHER?
HE'S MEETING WITH THE OTHER CROC'S. THEY'RE FORMING A POSSE.
A POSSE? TO DO WHAT?
KEEL DA GOOGLE!
PLEASE CLOSE THE DRAPES.
I'M BETTING ON THE GOOGLE.

HEY HEY HEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING ON THE BORDER OF RATOPIA?
PIG ASKED ME TO COME OVER AND SPRAY THIS MOSS KILLER ON YOUR LAWN.
WELL, YOU NEED TO ASK FIRST. WE DON'T LIKE BORDER INCURSIONS.
OH. I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT… AFTER ALL, I AM CARRYING WEAPONS OF MOSS DESTRUCTION.
BOOT
WE'RE NOT TOO KEEN ON PUNS EITHER.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, LARRY?
Larry hiding. Zeeba neighba have new all-knowing ally called Da Google.
GOOGLE? GOOGLE'S A SEARCH TOOL.
Dat why me HIDING.
I'M MOVING IN WITH MY MOTHER.
HA! Da Google still find you.

HIYA, RAT. MIND IF GOAT AND I WATCH T.V.?
I DO. I'VE ANNEXED THE T.V. SITTING AREA AS PART OF RATOPIA... I NEEDED A BUFFER STATE.
A BUFFER STATE? WHY IS IT CALLED A BUFFER STATE?
BECAUSE I AM BUFFER THAN YOU. AND IF YOU TOUCH IT, I SHALL PUNCH YOU.
THAT IS NOT THE MEANING OF BUFFER STATE.
DO I SENSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT?
C'MON, GOAT... LETS GO FIND WIMPYLAND.

WHY'D YOU DRAW A LINE ON OUR FLOOR, RAT?
IT'S THE BOUNDARY OF RATOPIA, A SOVEREIGN NATION WITHIN WHICH I AM THE KING, CZAR, DICTATOR AND HEAD CHEESE.
I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE THAT.
BOOT
WE HAVE A VERY AGGRESSIVE FOREIGN POLICY.

HEY DA... WHY YOU HIDING BEHIND THE CURTAIN?
Zeeba neighba has new ally. Super smart guy. Lives in zeeba house. Zeeba turn to heem for answer to everytheeng.
DA GOOGLE.
SO YOU'RE HIDING FROM HIM?
Of course me hiding. Leesten, son... When guy dat smart, you not know what he do.
DID ZEBRA SAY HIS NAME?
DA GOOGLE.
DAD COULD YOU USE A COMPUTER CLASS.
YOU NO TAKE ME ALIVE, DA GOOGLE!