Pearls Before Swine | Search

HULLOOOOO....
Walmtopia's Friendly Greeter says, "Hi." But he is trying to watch a movie on his iPhone. So please remove your chubby, stretch-pants-covered rear from his face.
GIVE ME YOUR--
No, I will not give you my manager.

HELLO?
PIG, IT'S ME, RAT. LISTEN, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'LL BE HOME LATE... I GOT THE "FRIENDLY GREETER" JOB AT WALMOTOPIA.
YOU? WHY'D YOU GET THE JOB?
BECAUSE I'M GOOD WITH PEOPLE. AND I KNOW HOW TO TREAT THEM. AND HOW TO WELCOME THEM.
PARDON ME, BUT I'M LOOKING FOR—
YO, BIG BONES CAN YOU SEE I'M ON THE PHONE?
MAYBE I SHOULD LET YOU GO BACK TO YOUR FRIENDLY GREETER JOB.
HANG ON, PIG... I'M SHOVING A FAT GUY OUT THE DOOR.

DID GOAT TELL YOU I INTERVIEWED FOR THE "FRIENDLY GREETER" JOB AT HAWMUTOPIA?
THAT'S GREAT. YOU THINK YOU'LL GET IT?
I DUNNO. THEY ASKED WHAT MY BIGGEST REGRET WAS IN TERMS OF HOW I RELATE TO PEOPLE AND I TOLD THEM THAT SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE MAKE ME MAD.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? IT'S HONEST. WHAT DO YOU THINK OTHER CANDIDATES SAID THEY REGRETTED?
THAT MY SHORT ARMS DO NOT ALLOW ME TO HOLD ALL HUMANITY IN ONE BIG EMBRACE.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU?
INTERVIEWING FOR THE FRIENDLY GREETER JOB AT WAMLOTOPIA. YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO SMILES AND SAYS HI TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY WALK IN THE STORE?
OH, PIG, YOU'D BE PERFECT! WHO IN THE WORLD COULD CLAIM TO BE BETTER SUITED FOR THAT THAN YOU?
I ADORE HUMANITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DOOR?
Crocs geet job as goovernint census taker.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
Oh? Well juss lesten to questions. Uh, first, how many guys has you seen you house?
JUST ME.
Okay... And which ees you job?
I'M UNEMPLOYED.
Sound gud. And does you has keeds?
No.
And, uhhh, how far can you reach eem eento larry's mouth?
Ahhhhhhhhh...
SLAM
Someone no like dere goovernint.

IF YOU COULD UTTER A FEW LAST WORDS BEFORE YOU DIE, WHAT WOULD THEY BE?
LONG ONES.
TO IMPRESS PEOPLE?
TO STALL FOR TIME.
LET'S JUST KILL YOU NOW.
I WOOOOOOOULDN'T LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE THAAAAAAAAT.

BEFORE I READ THE WILL, WOULD ANY OF THE FAMILY LIKE TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HER?
YEAH. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S GONE.
ME TOO. WE SPENT EVERY SUMMER TOGETHER ON WHIDBEY ISLAND. SHE WAS MY FAVORITE AUNT.
YEAH. EVERY TIME I IMAGINE HER FACE, I CRY.
LOAD UP THE LOOT BOWL!!
OH... AND, UH, WEEPY WEEPY I MISS HER SO.

RAT'S AUNT DIED. SHE LEFT ALL HER MONEY TO RAT.
WHAT DO HIS OTHER COUSINS THINK OF THAT?
THEY DON'T KNOW YET, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
IT'S THE "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" PLEDGE DRIVE. IF PEOPLE WILL GIVE MONEY TO BORING PUBLIC TELEVISION, SURELY THEY'LL GIVE CASH TO US. WE'VE EVEN GOT OUR OWN TOTE BOARD TO KEEP TRACK OF HOW MUCH WE'VE RAISED.
THREE CENTS.
I FOUND IT IN OUR SOFA.
OPERATOR, GET BACK TO THE PHONES.

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO THIS EARLY?
TO OUR LOCAL PUBLIC TELEVISION STATION TO HELP WITH THEIR P.B.S. PLEDGE DRIVE.
WOW, THAT'S GREAT...NOVA, FRONTLINE...I LOVE THEIR PROGRAMS. BUT SINCE WHEN DID YOU START SUPPORTING THE 'PUBLIC BROADCASTING SERVICE'?
P.B.S. STANDS FOR 'PUBLIC BROADCASTING SERVICE'?
IT DOES NOT STAND FOR 'PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.'
BOY, DID YOU SAVE ME A MORNING.

RAT! RAT! I FOUND A BABY UNICORN IN OUR GARDEN! I NAMED HIM UNI! HIS HORN HAS MAGICAL POWERS! HE CAN DO ALL SORTS OF NEAT STUFF FOR US!
PLEASE DON'T PICK UP TRASH WITH UNI.

HEY THERE, PIG... WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
OH, HI, PETEY PEACOCK... I'M JUST DEPRESSED.
DEPRESSED ABOUT WHAT?
NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY, I CAN'T GET A GIRL. I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO ATTRACT THEM.
GEE, PIG. JUST GIVE 'EM ONE OF THESE...
PREPARE FOR A LIFE OF LONELINESS.

HOW'S YOUR COUSIN, "LUCKY"?
NOT GOOD. HE'S UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE TO STOP HANGING FROM THAT TREE.
YOU MEAN FROM ALL YOU OTHER LIONS TELLING HIM HIS HUNTING STYLE IS HUMILIATING?
NO. FROM SOMEONE ELSE.
PLEASE STOP THROWING NUTS AT MY HEAD.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW OLD PEOPLE SOMETIMES HAVE TENNIS BAULS ON THE BOTTOM OF THEIR WALKERS?
YEAH. SO THEIR WALKERS CAN GLIDE EASIER.
WHY?
WELL, LATELY I'VE BEEN PLAYING A LOT OF TENNIS AND EVERY TIME I HIT THE BAU IN THE NEARBY IVY, I THINK I KNOW RIGHT WHERE IT IS, AND I GO AND LOOK AND IT'S NOT THERE.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU THINK--
THOSE GEEZERS ARE STEALING MY TENNIS BAULS!!!
PLEASE. PLEASE. STOP TALKING.
I'LL BET THEY HIDE OVERNIGHT IN THE IVY AND WAIT...

WHY DO YOU HAVE A FAKE OLYMPIC MEDAL AROUND YOUR NECK?
I'M TRAINING. AND THE MEDAL'S FOR INSPIRATION.
"BEING FAT ON THE COUCH" IS NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT.
YOU'VE KILLED A DREAM.

HEY, MOM. WHERE'S DAD?
I KICKED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE. I COULDN'T TAKE HIM ANYMORE.
KICKED HIM OUT? HOW CAN YOU DO THAT? WHERE WILL HE STAY?
WHO KNOWS? ALL I KNOW IS HE DIDN'T SEEM WORRIED ABOUT IT... HE SAID TOUGH GUYS LIKE HIM ALWAYS LAND ON THEIR FEET.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PAJAMA PARTY.

WHAT'S WITH THE TAMBOURINE, DAD?
Me writing song for you mudder. Geet me out of doghouse me een seence Valentine's Day feaseco. Song tell her how unique she ees.
OH, WOW, DAD... WOMEN LOVE THAT... WHAT'S IT CALLED?
'Woomun, you not normal.'
MAYBE WE COULD REPHRASE THAT.
Hmm. How 'bout, 'Woomun, peese seek profusunal help'.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, DAD?
Woonum mad. barry screw up Valentine Day or someting.
MAKE IT UP TO HER... COMPLIMENT HER FOR NO REASON.
For no reason, me tink you not fat.
So much for you help.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, LARRY! I GOT YOU ONE OF THOSE BEER MUGS YOU WANTED.
DO YOU LIKE IT?
Larry... PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU FORGOT THAT TODAY WAS VALENTINE'S DAY.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME NOW AND DON'T HAVE TO RUSH OUT ON A SUNDAY MORNING WHEN THE STORES ARE CLOSED, EVENTUALLY ENDING UP AT A GROCERY STORE WHERE YOU BUY ME CHEAP FLOWERS GIFT-WRAPPED IN CLEAR CELLAPHANE WITH THE PRICE TAG STILL ON THEM.
Happy Valentine's Day.
It gonna be hard change channels now.

HOW'S YOUR COUSIN WHO TRIES TO HUNT BY HANGING FROM A TREE?
NOT GOOD. HE CAN'T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO ANYTHING TO KILL IT.
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
TRY A DIFFERENT MARKETING APPROACH.
FREE VALENTINE'S DAY SNUGGLES

HI, JENNY JELLYFISH. WHATCHA DOING?
I'M MAKING A VALENTINES DAY CARD FOR YOU.
THAT'S SO SWEET! BUT I THOUGHT JELLYFISH HAD NO HEART.
WE DON'T, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T TRY TO PUT TOGETHER A NICE CARD FOR YOU. HERE... HAVE A LOOK.
I FEEL NOTHING.
I AM SO TOUCHED.
GREAT. IS THE HOLIDAY OVER YET?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WATCHING "MILLION DOLLAR BABY" WITH MY NEW FRIEND, JENNY JENNYFISH. THE END OF IT MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME.
HOW COME JENNY'S NOT CRYING?
JELLYFISH HAVE NO HEART.
I GIVE UP.
DO I LAUGH HERE?
NO, NO. SHE JUST DIED.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW POTATO CHIP BAGS HAVE THIS LIL' DOTTED LINE AND "TEAR HERE" WRITTEN ON THE PACKAGE?
YEAH, THAT'S SO WE KNOW HOW TO RIP IT OPEN. WHY?
BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA JUST BROKE UP WITH ME.
SO?
SO I THINK I MUST HAVE ONE OF THOSE PRINTED OVER MY HEART.
HAVE A BEER, BUDDY.
WAIT. THAT'S JUST A MOLE.

YO. WASSUP?
NOTHING.
HOW 'BOUT A MAN HUG?
NO.
HUNTING'S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.

HEY, MAX AND ZACH. WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
AKRON... VISITING RELATIVES. WHAT A PAIN A PRIDE CAN BE. THEY EVEN MADE US BRING ONE OF OUR COUSINS BACK WITH US.
OH, YEAH? WHO?
HIS NAME'S 'LUCKY.' OUR FAMILY DIDN'T WANT HIM... MOSTLY BECAUSE OF HIS HUNTING STYLE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIS HUNTING STYLE?
CLOSER... C-L-O-O-O-O-O-S-E-R.