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WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, RAT?
MY ANGELS ARE ABOUT TO WRESTLE WITH MY DEMONS FOR THE POSSESSION OF MY VERY SOUL!
WE GIVE UP.
MY ANGELS LEAVE SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED.

WHO'S THAT OVER YOUR SHOULDER, RAT?
THIS IS LITTLE JEDEDIAH, MY GUARDIAN ANGEL... HIS JOB IS TO KEEP AN EYE ON ME AND MAKE SURE I LEAD A LOVING, CARING, RESPONSIBLE LIFE.
YO.
LET'S GET HAMMERED.
HE'S NOT MUCH HELP.

PSST... THE WORLD IS RUN BY THE COUNCIL OF COWS. THEY SIT AROUND A BIG TABLE AND MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS. PASS IT ON.
SHHH! NOT SO LOUD.
WILL YOU PLEASE STOP? THE WORLD IS NOT RUN BY A COUNCIL OF COWS.
I'LL SAY IT AS LOUD AS I WANT... WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
I WANT HIM DEAD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GUARD DUCK?
WRITING AN ANGRY LETTER TO "McDONALD'S"... IF WE'RE GONNA ELIMINATE THE COW MENACE, WE'RE GONNA NEED THEM TO MAKE A LOT MORE HAMBURGERS. RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE BARELY SCRATCHING THE SURFACE OF COW-DOM.
YOU PSYCHOTIC DUCK. YOU REALLY THINK ANYONE AT A CORPORATION AS BIG AS "McDONALD'S" IS GONNA CARE ABOUT ONE ANGRY LETTER?

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR LAWN? ARE YOU TRYING TO GROW WEEDS? THE NEIGHBORHOOD HAS RULES ABOUT LAWN CARE.
IT'S JUST A NEW TYPE OF LAWN THAT GROWS TALL... IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY WEEDS.
WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT?
OKAY. FINE. ONE WEED. BUT TECHNICALLY, YOU'RE STILL WRONG BECAUSE THEN I'M NOT GROWING WEEDS... I'M GROWING WEED.
THAT'S ONE STRICT LAWN CARE RULE.

Assassin Log:
DAY ONE
Today me see T.V. nature show about crocs.
Me see one croc who lurk all day een shallow swamp and wait for zeeba arrive.
Zeeba finaly arrive. He no qwekk nutheeng. Croc pop out of reeds. Croc snap zeeba nekk.
Today me try exakk same ting.
GET OUT OF MY POOL, LARRY.
T.V. beeg fat lie.

HI..WELCOME TO HAPPY HOMES MORTUARY…HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
Hallo. Ve understann you ees king of ded tings. Ve vunt hire you.
ALRIGHT...AND WHO IS THE DECEASED?
Duhseased? Oh, zeeba not duhseased. Dat why we here.
SIR, WE DON’T KILL. WE JUST BURY.
Oh, YOU beeg REEP OFF.
Me vant see manager.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
WE GOT A WII. WE'VE GOT GOLF, TENNIS, BASEBALL. NOW WE'RE TRYING OUT THE BOXING.
BAM BAM BAM
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY PUNCH THE OTHER GUY.
OHHHHHH...
LET'S TRY GOLF.

HEY, GOAT... WANNA BUY A 'LOSER PHONE'?
WHAT'S THAT?
A BROKEN CELL PHONE. YOU TAKE IT TO PARTIES AND IF YOU'RE A LOSER THAT NOBODY TALKS TO, YOU CAN PRETEND YOU'RE TEXTING PEOPLE ON IT. GIVES PEOPLE THE IMPRESSION YOU HAVE FRIENDS AT A FRACTION OF A REGULAR CELL PHONE'S PRICE.
NOW WHO'S GONNA DO THAT?

LOOK AT THIS SAD LITTLE KEY ON MY KEYBOARD... IT JUST SAYS 'SYS RQ.' IT NEVER GETS PRESSED. I'M TRYING TO FIGURE OUT FROM THE MANUAL WHAT IT'S FOR.
WHO CARES? JUST PRESS IT AND SEE.
' SYSTEM REQUIRES COMPLETE DEMOLITION.'
HEY, GOAT, LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT THE 'SYS RQ' KEY ON YOUR KEYBOARD DOES...

WHAT ARE YOU SO GIDDY ABOUT?
THE NEIGHBORS ACROSS THE STREET ARE HAVING A CIRCUS... AND I'M GONNA GO!!... WANNA COME WITH??
I THINK I'LL PASS.
OH, C'MON. WE'LL HAVE A GAS.

YOU SEEN RAT TODAY?
YEAH. HE FEELS IGNORED BECAUSE HE'S NOT GETTING ENOUGH TIME IN THE STRIP LATELY, SO HE'S GIVING OUT YOUR HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER IN PANEL THREE.
AND REMEMBER, FOLKS, TO MAKE STEPHAN PAY DAY OR NIGHT, THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS (510) 75—
WHY WOULD YOU—
I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, PASTIS.
ANGRY FAN ON LINE TWO, STEPH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, LARRY?
Me ees writing eendiary Bob buy for me at grocery stare. Me get idea from 'assassin log' me see on TV spy show.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Me ees ASSASSIN, womun. Me keap log of who me ees gonna KEEL, how me ees gonna keel, and when me ees gonna EET dem.
THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE MORE MENACING IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE HELLO KITTY PRINTED ON EVERY PAGE.
Me told you no to buy dis one.
Is only one stare have.
OH, NO ... IS THAT YOUR FIERCE 'HELWO KITTY' FACE?

I'M THINKING ABOUT MAKING IT MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY TO LOVE OTHERS.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE I FEAR THE MORONS WILL DISAPPOINT ME.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START YOUR SPIRITUAL JOURNEY BY NOT THINKING OF OTHERS AS "MORONS."
I SEE THE TASK IS INSURMOUNTABLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SPRAYING THIS POLISH ON OUR TABLES. THE LABEL SAYS IT RESTORES STUFF TO ITS 'ORIGINAL LUSTER.' I'M DONE IF YOU WANT TO USE IT.
PSSHHHHHHHHHH...
SIGH.

LOOK, RAT, I'M COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS WITH MY NEW HOMEMADE CALENDAR. YOU OPEN A PRIZE BOX FOR EACH DAY THAT PASSES. IT'S CALLED AN ADVIL CALENDAR.
ADVENT.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR FILLING THE PRIZE BOXES WITH PAIN RELIEVER.

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER. TOM WILSON, JR. HAS AGREED TO PUT PANTS ON ZIGGY IN TODAY'S ZIGGY STRIP.
YOU'RE KIDDING! WHAT'D YOU HAVE TO BRIBE HIM WITH TO MAKE HIM DO THAT?
I GAVE HIM ONE OF THE PET CHARACTERS. AW, HE ASKED FOR SOMEONE SOFT AND CUDDLY AND CUTE THAT ZIGGY COULD SNUGGLE WITH.
OH, GREAT. SO WHAT, YOU GAVE HIM SNUFFLES THE CAT?
NO NO NO... I DIDN'T GIVE HIM SNUFFLES. I MADE SURE IT WASN'T ANYONE THE STRIP WOULD MISS.
THIS MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

LISTEN, WE APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN, BUT ZIGGY'S CREATOR TOM WILSON, JR. HAS ASKED US TO PASS THE MESSAGE ON TO YOU THAT WE WILL NOT BE PUTTING PANTS ON ZIGGY.
OKAY... I UNDERSTAND... I APPRECIATE YOUR TALKING TO US... HEY, IS THAT AN INK STAIN ON YOUR SHIRT?
WHERE?
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T HAVE SENT OUR INTERN.
HEY... WE'RE SENDING THE CHUBBY MAN'S OWN MESSAGE.
MAY I TAKE THE CHUBBY MAN'S PHONE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WE'RE GOING ON A HUNGER STRIKE. WE'RE NOT GONNA EAT A THING UNTIL THE COMIC STRIP CHARACTER ZIGGY PUTS ON SOME PANTS.
YOU'RE EATING A CHEESEBURGER.
YEAH, WELL, I'M THE ORGANIZER. I HAVE TO KEEP A CLEAR HEAD. I'VE GOT OTHERS TO DO THE HUNGER STRIKE.
SURE HOPE HE PUTS ON PANTS.
MAY I KILL HIM FOR THE FRIES, SIR?
PEOPLE, PEOPLE, REMAIN STRONG.

DO YOU THINK COMICS ARE STILL RELEVANT?
I DON’T KNOW...WITH YOUTUBE, THE XBOX, AND IPHONES ALL COMPETING FOR PEOPLE’S ATTENTION I JUST DON’T THINK THERE ARE ANY ISSUES ON THE COMICS PAGE BIG ENOUGH TO–
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
PANTS ON ZIGGY!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!?
NOW!
HEY HEY, ZIG-ZIG-AY
HOW MANY FOLKS DID YOU SCARE TODAY?
MAYBE IT’S BETTER IF WE’RE IRRELEVANT.
HEY HEY HEY! THAT’S MY CAR YOU’RE OVERTURNING!

YOU EVER PARTICIPATED IN A PROTEST MOVEMENT, GOAT?
OH, YEAH. AGAINST WARS, WHALING, GLOBAL WARMING. A WHOLE BUNCH OF IMPORTANT CAUSES. WHY?
BECAUSE RAT'S DOING IT.
WELL, GOOD FOR HIM. IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED IN THE GLOBAL COMMUNITY. WHAT'S THE CAUSE?
PUT PANTS ON ZIGGY!
FIGHT THE POWER!!
Check please.

BEHOLD! I HAVE INVENTED A KITCHEN GADGET THAT SHALL MAKE ME RICH. IT IS CALLED THE 'SPOON PICKER UPPER.'
HOW'S IT WORK?
WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO WALK ALL THE WAY OVER TO THE SPOON DRAWER TO GET A SPOON, YOU CAN JUST REACH FOR ONE WITH THIS THING.
BUT THAT'S SILLY. IT'S JUST A COUPLE STEPS.
POKE POKE JAB
GOOD THING IT'S GOT OTHER USES.

I FIRED YOUR STUPID DUCK AND HIS MORAN CAT FRIEND. THOSE FRAUDS TRIED TO POSE AS HOLLYWOOD AGENTS.
OH, I'M SURE THEY'LL BE OKAY. GUARD DUCK SAID HE JUST SIGNED ONE OF HIS ACTORS TO A FOUR-PICTURE DEAL FOR TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS.
TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS??!! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?? WHAT CLIENT OF THEIRS MERITS THAT LEVEL OF CASH??
A TOAST TO BIPPY.
HEAR HEAR!

RAT MEETS HIS AGENT AND MANAGER
YOU TWO?! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING REPRESENTING YOURSELVES ONLINE AS HOLLYWOOD AGENTS?!?
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE FRAUDS! YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE BUSINESS! AND YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT REPRESENTATION! YOU'RE FIRED!
TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT THE LITTER BOX IN THE RECEPTION AREA.

ALRIGHT, MR. SNUFFLES, IF I'M GONNA BE A BIG-TIME HOLLYWOOD AGENT AND YOU'RE GONNA BE A MANAGER, WE FIRST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THE DIFFERENCE.
AHA... HERE IT IS... WHILE BOTH TAKE TEN PERCENT, MANAGERS WILL SPEND THEIR FREE MOMENTS RIPPING ON THE INEPTITUDE OF AGENTS, WHILE AGENTS WILL CHOOSE INSTEAD TO RIP ON THE INEPTITUDE OF MANAGERS.
GOT IT, POOPYBRAIN?