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THIS BIOGRAPHY OF MARCO POLO IS THE GREATEST... DO YOU KNOW WHO MARCO POLO IS, PIG?

DO I? YOU BET I DO.
WHO?
HE INVENTED THE SWIMMING POOL.
NO.
MARCO
POLO

PIG, DO YOU
THINK I COULD
BE YOUR
SOULMATE?
OH, NO, PIGITA.
IF ANYTHING, IT
WOULD BE
A GUY.
A GUY??
WHY A
GUY?
BECAUSE THEY
DON'T ALLOW
WOMEN IN
MEN'S PRISON.
SOULMATE,
NOT
CELLMATE.
DOES THAT
STILL
INVOLVE
PRISON?

EAST OF THE ROCKIES, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
Greetings. We are aliens. We have disguised ourselves as earthly life forms. And we are already on earth preparing our attack, unless of course, you eradicate us first.
I SEE... AND WHAT ARE YOU DISGUISED AS, SIR?
Think evil farm animal.
HANG UP THE PHONE, GUARD DUCK.
BOMB US IF YOU CAN, MOOOOOO.
Cows hate your freedom.

RATS LATE NIGHT RADIO SHOW
WEST OF THE ROCKIES, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
YEAH, I'M CALLING FROM MY TRUCK. JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT ALIENS TOOK MY BRAIN.
LISTEN TO ME, SIR… YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A SMART MAN, SO THEY'LL BE PLEASED WITH YOUR BRAIN!! THAT MEANS THEY WILL RETURN FOR THE REST OF YOUR ORGANS, WHICH THEY WILL HARNESS FOR MILITARY USE!! YOU MUST NOT LET THEM GET THEM!!
OH. MY. GAWD. WHAT DO I DO??
DRIVE OFF A CLIFF!!
AHHHHHHHH……
THE F.C.C. FROWNS ON KILLING LISTENERS.
RULES. RULES. RULES.

RAT GOT A JOB HOSTING SOME LATE NIGHT RADIO PROGRAM CALLED 'THE UNEXPLAINED' FROM COAST TO COAST!
OH, I’VE LISTENED TO THAT. A BUNCH OF PEOPLE CALL IN AND DISCUSS ALIENS AND CONSPIRACIES AND STUFF.
YEP. THAT’S THE ONE.
BUT YOU KNOW, THE OLD HOST TOOK ALL THOSE CALLS VERY SERIOUSLY AND TREATED THE CALLERS WITH A LOT OF RESPECT. DOES RAT UNDERSTAND THAT’S WHAT'S EXPECTED?
GREETINGS, KOOKY PERSON.

HI. THIS IS DR. SMITH'S OFFICE CALLING TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR DENTAL CLEANING TOMORROW.
MAY I MAKE IT?
MAY I ASK WHY?
PROFANITY. IT OFFENDS ME. AND IT'S UNPROFESSIONAL.
I DIDN'T LET A CAR HIT YOU.
YOU WON'T START A BLOCK AWAY.
TWO BROKEN FEET.
WE CAN SEND A CAB.
WE'LL FIND A CAB.
CAN'T AFFORD IT.
YEP.
MOM DID.
YOU SAID THAT LAST YEAR.
DAD THIS TIME.
YOU'LL HIKE. HARD TO HIKE IF YOU DON'T KEEP TRACK.
WHO?
YOUR PARENTS?
ON TWO BROKEN FEET?
WHEN YOU'RE TRAINING FOR A MARATHON.
I DRIVE THE COURSE.
YOUR CAR WON'T START.
IF I HAD A CAB.
YOU'VE GOT ONE, KID.
EITHER YOU GIVE ME A VALID EXCUSE OR YOU GIVE ME YOUR @#$% LOCATION AND I'LL GET YOUR REAR IN HERE!!!
CUCKS
PROFANITY. IT OFFENDS ME.
SO UNPROFESSIONAL.

I'M THINKING ABOUT BEING MORE SOCIAL.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE I PREDICT IF I DO, MY FUTURE WILL BE FILLED WITH THE INANE CHATTER OF MEDDLING IDIOTS, ALL THINKING I CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START BY NOT CALLING THEM IDIOTS.
SUDDENLY, I'M NOSTRADAMUS.

HEY THERE, GOAT... WHATCHA BEEN DOING LATELY?
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BUILD A SHIP IN A BOTTLE. IT'S VERY HARD.
I IMAGINE, YOUR HEAD IS HUGE.
I DON'T GET INSIDE THE BOTTLE.
HEY, WANT TO SEE MY FRIEND SHOVE HIMSELF IN YOUR COKE?
NO.

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE GREAT TOILET PAPER DEBATE? SHOULD THE LOOSE END HANG OVER OR UNDER THE ROLL?
UNDER, I GUESS.
I SEE... SO YOU'RE AN UNDERER, NOT AN OVERER.
UH, YEAH, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL IT.
BAM BAM BAM
THEY'RE A DANGEROUS SECT.

LISTEN, PIG... THIS WHOLE COW TERRORISM THING IS GOING TOO FAR... IT'S JUST ABSURD.
THAT'S WHAT I USED TO BELIEVE. BUT THINK ABOUT IT... TERRORISTS ARE COWARDS. AND COWARDS STARTS WITH 'COW'.
OHMYGAA. PIG... PLEASE. THE SAME WORD ENDS WITH 'ARDS'. SO WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?
PIG TO BASE: BEWARE OF ARDS.
ROGER THAT, AGENT PORKY.
I GIVE UP.

THIS IS ABSURD. PIGS GUARD DUCK ACTUALLY BELIEVES COINS ARE GLOBAL TERRORISTS?
YEP. AND HE MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS. DID YOU KNOW ONE OF THEM DESTROYED CHICAGO?
THAT WAS A FIRE. AND IT WAS OVER A HUNDRED YEARS AGO. AND THE COIN DIDN'T START IT INTENTIONALLY!!!
WELL, I'D SAY THAT'S OPEN TO INTERPRETATION.
OH MY GOSH, THIS IS INSANE! OKAY, SUPPOSE COINS WERE THE ENEMY AND WE ARRESTED ALL OF THEM... WHERE EXACTLY WOULD YOU IMPRISON THESE MILLIONS OF COINS?!?
I CALL IT GUANTANAMOOOOO.

I HEAR PIG'S GUARD DUCK IS WITHDRAWING FROM YOUR FRONT LAWN AND REDEPLOYING.
YEAH. HE SAYS THERE'S A NEW ENEMY THAT'S MOBILE AND CAN LIVE OFF THE LAND. THEY PRODUCE VAST QUANTITIES OF NITROGEN AND THEY'RE ALREADY OPERATING IN OUR COUNTRY.
OH, MY GOD. WHO IS IT?
COWS. THEY HATE YOUR FREEDOM.
HOW DARE THEY.

Pearls will be back after this commercial break.
SIP SIP
GULP GULP GULP GULP
BAM BAM BAM
SWIPE
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
PEOPLE DO NOT BEAT EACH OTHER FOR A BEER IN THOSE COMMERCIALS.
THEY DO IN THE DANNY DONKEY VERSION.
RUN, YOU THIRSTY DONKEY, RUN!

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?
JUST THE HOUSE SETTLING.
NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR DREAMS, HOUSE!!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
THAT OUGHTA BUCK UP HIS SPIRITS.

Dear Tooth Fairy,
I lost a tooth.
Please pay me or
I will be sad.
you stupid
PIG. THAT’S
NOT HOW
YOU TALK TO
THE TOOTH
FAIRY.
HOW
DO YOU
TALK TO
THE TOOTH
FAIRY?
Dear Tooth Fairy,
I lost a tooth.
Please pay me or
you’ll be
HEARING
FROM MY
cousin Guido
THAT
SEEMS
AGGRESSIVE.
p.s. we are
not above
BREAKING
FAIRY
LIMBS.

HI, ZEBRA... IT'S ME, PIG.
HI, PIG. WHAT'S UP?
WELL... ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?
OH, MY GOD... NO. WHY?
BECAUSE I AM. AND IT'S SO DARN COMFY.
PLEASE DON'T START YOUR CONVERSATIONS THAT WAY.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST COMFY?

HELLO. THIS IS DR. SMITH'S OFFICE, JUST CALLING TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVE A DENTAL CLEANING SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW.
SORRY. CAN'T MAKE IT.
AND WHY IS THAT?
THE SITUATION IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GOAT?
SOMEONE'S GONE THROUGH MY WALT WHITMAN BOOK AND CROSSED OUT BIG CHUNKS OF EVERY POEM WITH A SHARPIE!
WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
BECAUSE ALL POETRY IS BEST READ TWITTERIFIED.
WALT WHITMAN WAS NOT LIMITED TO 140 CHARACTERS!
Ohhh. BUT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

HEY, GOAT... WHERE
WERE YOU YESTERDAY?
I WENT TO THE PARK. IT
WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. THE
SUN WAS JUST SETTING
AS I GOT THERE AND
IT WAS REFLECTING OFF
THE LAKE. SOMETIMES
THAT PLACE IS--
UH
UH
UH
UH
UH
UH
WHAT?
YOU'VE
REACHED
140
CHARACTERS.
THIS
IS
NOT
TWITTER.
PIPE DOWN.
YOU'VE
BEEN
TINTIFIED.

HELLO?
STEPHAN, IT'S YOUR MOTHER. WHERE ARE YOU?
MOM, I'M IN HAWAII. I TOOK A COUPLE WEEKS OFF.
YOU'VE BEEN READING YOUR STRIPS LATELY?
NO. NOT AT ALL. WHY?
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DEAD! THE PIG IS DEAD! THE ZEBRA IS DEAD! THE DUCK! THE CAT! THE CROC'S! THEY ARE IN SOME STUPID 'WONDERLAND' PLACE! THEY'RE GETTING EATEN BY SOME STUPID "CATERPILLAR" THING!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS WEEK'S STRIPS ARE ABOUT GUARD DUCK AND SOME COW'S!!
THINK AGAIN. MY IDIOT SON.
WELL, WHO THE HECK IS DOING MY STRIP WHILE I'M GONE?!?
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
PIPE DOWN, FATTY. I'M TAKING THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' KIDS.

Raterpillar has killed all of the other "Pearls" characters. Still not sated, he searches for one more "Pearls" morsel.
No No No No No No No No No No
And finds it.
Mmmm... Cartoonist sushi.

Grown large through the consumption of a magic eggplant, the Raterpillar descends into madness and eats Tweedle Dum Pig and Tweedle Dee Idiot Pig.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
And the soldiers.
And the Cheshire Snuffles.
And the Queen.
And the Mad Ducker.
And the zebra.
And a goat.
Whoa Whoa Whoa. I wasn’t even in this story.
Insensitive to continuity errors, the Raterpillar eats him anyways.
Plotline schmotline.

A confused and lost Zebra wanders through Wonderland, helped not at all by Tweedle Dum Pig and Tweedle Dee Idiot Pig.
Go this way.
Go that way.
He is soon put to sleep by an aromatic fog...
...blown by the Raterpillar.
Want a puff?

STORY UPDATE
Zebra has eaten Larry
Mmmm... Tastes like chicken
His crime witnessed by the Mad Ducker and the Cheshire Snuffles, he is arrested by the soldiers of the Queen
Who gives her verdict on the killing of Larry
WOOHOO!!

LARRY! ZEEBA NEIGHBA!!
WELL NOW, LARRY, I GUESS THE TABLES ARE TURNED.. I SUPPOSE NOW YOU’RE THE PREY.
Hey hey hey, leesten... Me know mebbe we no see eye-to-eye een past, but me you wan’t say one ting...
Me love you, maaaaan.
Champ
Champ
Munch
Champ
Munch