Pearls Before Swine | Search

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST OF WHAT YOU CALL YOUR SENSE OF TASTE IS ACTUALLY JUST YOUR SENSE OF SMELL?
SO IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE, YOU'D FIND ALMOST ALL FOOD BLAND?
YEAH. NOT TO MENTION THAT IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE, YOU'D HAVE TO BREATHE ENTIRELY THROUGH YOUR MOUTH, WHICH WOULD MAKE EATING A VERY DIFFICULT PROCESS.
AND STILL, SHE HAS TROUBLE DIETING.
A TRUE FREAK OF NATURE.

Hey, Larry, me hear you keeling crocs to sell dere skin.
Yeah, but me only do when me need monies to pay for someting eemportant.
Me got late fees at video store.

EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD YOU
DO ME A SOLID AND PASS
THE KETCHUP?
I'M SORRY, BUT DID
YOU JUST USE THE
EXPRESSION, 'DO ME A
SOLID'?
YEAH. WHY?
WHACK
THERE ARE
BETTER WAYS
TO HANDLE
EXPRESSIONS
YOU DON'T
LIKE.
NO
THERE'S
NOT.
WELL...YOU
DID
GIVE
HIM A
SOLID.

THANKS FOR COMING TO CHURCH WITH ME, PIG… I KNOW IT'S A PAIN TO PUT ON A SUIT ON SUNDAY MORNINGS.
OH, I DON'T MIND, ZEBRA. IT'S NICE TO GO SOME PLACE WHERE EVERYONE STILL DRESSES UP.
THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD PLACE FOR A SHIRT, SHIRTLESS SEAN.
WITH THESE GUNS?... GOD WILL FORGIVE ME.

HEY RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, SEAN.
WHY'S HIS SHIRT OFF?
BECAUSE SEAN WORKS OUT EVERY DAY AND THUS NEEDS BUT THE FLIMISIST OF EXCUSES TO REMOVE HIS SHIRT IN PUBLIC SETTINGS.
WE'RE IN A RESTAURANT.
HELPS ME DIGEST.
WHOA WHOA WHOA, SEAN, KEEP ON THE PANTS.

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT
TO BE NON-
JUDGMENTAL?
BECAUSE NOBODY
IS PERFECT, SO
TO JUDGE OTHERS
IS TO INVITE
JUDGMENT UPON
OURSELVES.
SO NOBODY SHOULD
JUDGE ANYBODY
BECAUSE WE ALL
HAVE FLAWS AND
THUS ARE NOT IN
A POSITION TO
JUDGE OTHERS.
EXACTLY.
THEN WHO TELLS
THE IDIOTS
THEY'RE IDIOTS?
YOU MIGHT
BE MISSING
THE POINT.
IT'S A
PUBLIC
SERVICE
I PERFORM!

WHAT THE @#$% DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
PAINTING YOUR HOUSE, NEIGHBOR BOB. SIR.
WHY?!
IT'S NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROVEMENT DAY. WE ALL PITCH IN TO PICK UP TRASH, MOW LAWNS, THAT SORT OF STUFF. I VOLUNTEERED TO PAINT YOUR HOUSE.
WHY WOULD YOU HELP ME? ALL YOU'VE EVER DONE IS COMPLAIN ABOUT THE CARS ON MY LAWN AND MY NOT MOWING THE GRASS AND MY 'LOUD' PARTIES.
YESSIR. BUT THAT'S ALL BEHIND US NOW, SIR. I'M WILLING TO MAKE A FRESH START.
FINE. BUT IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE A FRESH START, YOU BETTER DO A THOROUGH JOB.
THOROUGH IT IS, SIR. YOU'LL BE MY CREAM.
BE THOROUGH.

HEY, RAT...
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, FOOFY THE
FLYING FISH.
FLYING FISH CAN'T REALLY
FLY. THEY'RE JUST CALLED
THAT BECAUSE THEY LEAP
OUT OF THE WATER, GIVING
THE ILLUSION OF FLIGHT.
FOOFY DIDN'T NEED TO
KNOW THAT.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY VUVUZELA? IT'S THAT OBNOXIOUS HORN BLOWN BY ALL THOSE FANS DURING THE WORLD CUP.
WHY'D YOU BRING IT HERE?
BRRRRFFFF
CELL PHONE BLABBERS BEWARE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE WEALTH OF THE TOP ONE PERCENT OF AMERICANS IS GREATER THAN THAT OF THE BOTTOM 95 PERCENT COMBINED?
SO?
SO I'M TAKING IT BACK.
TO GIVE TO THE POOR?
WELL NOW THAT WOULD BE STUPID.

WHY ARE WE OUT HERE?
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN WATCHING "MAN VS. WILD" AND I HAVE LEARNED ALL THE TECHNIQUES FOR SURVIVING IN NATURE'S HARSHEST CLIMATES WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR SKILL TO SEPARATE YOU FROM AN OTHERWISE CERTAIN DEATH.
MAY I GO INSIDE FOR A SODA POP?
YOU'RE REALLY RUINING THE EXPERIENCE.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A NEW FRIEND OF MINE. HE'S A BIG FAN.
OF WHAT?
HE'S JUST A BIG FAN.
THEY PAY YOU FOR THIS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY CORE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS?... THINGS YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART ARE TRUE?
JUST NACHOFICATION.
WHAT'S NACHOFICATION?
THE BELIEF THAT EVERYTHING TASTES BETTER WITH MELTED CHEESE.
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING DEEPER THAN THE CHURCH OF CHEESE.
AHHHHHH, A DOUBTER. MAY I LEAVE YOU WITH SOME LITERATURE?

WHATCHA WATCHING?
ENGLISH SOCCER...I ROOT FOR THIS ONE TEAM, BUT THEY'RE IN DANGER OF RELEGATION.
WHAT'S RELEGATION?
THE TEAMS THAT FINISH AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STANDINGS GET BOOTED OUT OF THE LEAGUE.
WHERE DO THEY GO?
ANOTHER LEAGUE.
SO RELEGATION LETS YOU TAKE YOUR LEAST COMPETENT LOSERS AND MAKE THEM GO SOMEWHERE ELSE?
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.
YOO!! HOP IN THE GOSH@*# POT!
I WAS HOPING TO JUST BE ONE OF THE VIKINGS, MA’AM.
HELGA, WHY IS MY DINNER TALKING?

HERE'S THE THING... YOU GROW UP WITH HUGE DREAMS... DREAMS OF FAME AND TRAVEL AND AWARDS AND ROMANCE AND IMMORTALITY...
THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP AND FIND YOUR LIFE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A STRING OF SATURDAYS SPENT AT 'HOME DEPOT.'
WHEN DID NEW VINYL WINDOWS REPLACE MY DREAMS?

Zeeba neighbaaa...Me is lady zeeba...Me looove you...Hop over buuush...love me tooo.
WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING? YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT'S A BALLOON?
Buhloon? Is you seeerious? Me lady zeeebaa.
OKAY, FINE. PROVE YOU'RE REAL. BLINK YOUR EYES.
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
I MEANT THE BALLOON.
Eggnore Lamrry...He a mooooton.

HEY, DUDE. WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
I TRIED TO GO TO MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, BUT I ENDED UP AT THE WRONG PLACE. IT WAS SOME OTHER REUNION FILLED WITH A BUNCH OF OLD PEOPLE...
OH, GOD.
HAVE A MIRROR, PAL.
HOPE THAT COFFEE CAME WITH THE SENIOR DISCOUNT.

HEY, GOAT, LISTEN... I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE THINGS I'VE DONE TO YOU OVER THE YEARS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE. JUST TRY TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR.
OH. OKAY. THEN AFTER I'M DONE, SHOULD I FLY TO THE MOON ON THE BACK OF MY UNICORN?
I TAKE IT YOU WON'T BE CHANGING.
TAKE MY APOLOGY FOR THE HOLLOW GESTURE IT IS!
TELL ME ABOUT THIS UNICORN

WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS
DOING?
EES 'CROC EEN A BOX'!
EES LATEST TREND!
BUY! PUT EEN HOUSE!
WHY WOULD
I PUT A
CROCODILE
IN MY
HOUSE?
Ooooh…You drive hard
bargain…Okay…Buy
now and me trow
een second 'CROC EEN
BOX' free.
GO
AWAY.
Wow. You reely pushing
luck. But okay, me trow
een sheeping handling.

WHAT ARE THOSE STUPID THINGS ON YOUR FEET?
MY LITTLE BOOTIES... THIS GIRL I MET HAND-MAKES THEM FOR ME... IN FACT, SHE'S REPAIRING ONE I LEFT WITH HER LAST WEEK... I SHOULD CALL HER NOW AND SEE WHEN I CAN GET IT BACK
YOU'RE CALLING A GIRL ABOUT WHAT?
GETTING SOME BOOTY.
WOMEN ARE SUCH A MYSTERY.

Who you frend, Larry?
Ees Coco. He a caiman.
Whuh a caiman?
Ees like leetle alligator.
He want see movie wid us.
Sorry. Just two tickets left. Your little friend there won't be able to get in.
WUH? I BUS MY REELY WANT EET EEN.
You want get een using my teeket?
Okay.
Dat probbly no whuh he have een mind, Larry.
Hey...Now me save fortune am popcorn.

HEY THERE. I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.
HI... I'M SAMMY THE STEELHEAD AND THIS IS FREDDIE THE SALMON. WE JUST MADE IT UP THE RIVER TO SPAWN... WE'RE HERE TO CELEBRATE.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER YOU SPAWN?
I GO BACK TO THE OCEAN. FREDDIE HERE DIES.
WELL NOW THAT PUTS A DAMPER ON THE EVENING.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, WAS THAT YOU THAT JUST PARKED YOUR GOLD CAMARO IN THE DISABLED PARKING?
WHY YES, OFFICER... UH... DOES THAT SAY "SNIPKINS"?
YEAH. LISTEN, PAL, CAN I ASK YOU WHY YOU’RE TAKING A DISABLED SPOT?
WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW, I HAVE A DISABILITY.
WHICH IS WHAT?
I’M BLIND.
YOU DROVE A CAR.
YOU READ MY NAME.
WELL, IT COMES AND GOES.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW THERE SOMETIMES SEEMS TO BE AN EXCESS OF DISABLED PARKING SPOTS AT STORES?
THAT'S DONE TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE WHO NEED THEM CAN ALWAYS BE ASSURED OF GETTING THEM.
SO DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE UNETHICAL FOR SOMEONE WITHOUT A DISABILITY TO FAKE LIKE HE HAS ONE JUST SO HE CAN GET ONE OF THOSE DISABLED PLACARDS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES?
OF COURSE IT WOULD BE UNETHICAL.
GOOD THING I CAN'T SEE THE LOOK OF DISGUST ON YOUR FACE.

WHERE YOU GOING, GOAT?
I HAVE TO PICK UP A RELATIVE OF MINE WHO JUST GOT TOSSED OUT OF A BAR FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS WEEK.
HOW IS HE RELATED TO YOU?
HE'S MY FIRST COUSIN ONCE REMOVED.
YOU SAID THEY REMOVED HIM TWICE.
MAYBE WE COULD DISCUSS THIS LATER.
YEAH. GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT.