Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING A SCREENPLAY. I'VE ALREADY HIRED AN AGENT AND A MANAGER. WITH THEIR HELP, I WILL SELL IT FOR A MILLION BUCKS AND RETIRE ON THE COAST.
YOU KNOW... THOSE GUYS TAKE TEN PERCENT OF WHATEVER YOU MAKE.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S WORTH IT. I RESEARCHED THESE GUYS ONLINE AND BELIEVE ME, IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY REALLY KNOW WHAT REPRESENTING TALENT IS ALL ABOUT.
'STEP ONE: DO NOT RETURN PHONE CALLS.'

YO, PIG. YOU MET THE NEW OWNERS OF THIS DINER? THIS IS TINA AND THAT’S ARCHIE. THEY’RE NAMED OUR DINER ‘EVITA’S.’
HI.
HI, ARCHIE.
CALL ME ARCH.
DUDE, YOU’VE GOT TO TASTE THEIR TOASTED RYE BREAD AND COFFEE.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH. BEFORE THEY SERVE IT TO YOU, YOU DUNK THE CORNERS OF THE BREAD IN THE COFFEE. TASTES GREAT.
OH, BOY! I CAN’T WAIT.
WELL THEN TELL THEM.
DUNK RYE FOR ME, ARCH AND TINA!!
YOU’RE WHY NEWSPAPERS ARE SHRINKING THE COMICS PAGE.

I'M LONELY.
I NEED TO BE HELD. I NEED A GIRL.
DUDE, IF YOU WANT A GIRL, YOU GOTTA FOCUS ON WHAT GIRLS LIKE.
WHAT DO THEY LIKE?
FLOWERS, PUPPIES AND BABIES. JUST FIGURE OUT A WAY TO WORK THEM INTO YOUR GAME AND YOU'LL HAVE GIRLS ALL OVER YOU.
DATE ME.
IT'S NOT WORKING.

RAT LOST HIS CONTACT LENSES.
CAN HE SEE WITHOUT THEM?
YEAH, BUT IT'S HARD.
HOW HARD?
IS THAT ANDY GRIFFITH OR AUNT BEE?

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE INCORPORATED, STEPHAN SPEAKING.
HI, STEPH...THIS IS JOHN, FROM HAWMARK...LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL THE GREETING CARD DEAL FOR YOUR NEW BIPPY CHARACTER.
CANCEL IT?! WHAT FOR?
WELL, THE BIPPY CARDS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR A NEW SPIRITUAL LINE WE'RE DOING AND AFTER TODAY'S STRIP, WE JUST DON'T THINK BIPPY PROJECTS THE RIGHT IMAGE.
MAY I HAVE A WORD, RAT?
FEEL THE BUZZ, BIPPY.
FEEL THE BUZZ.

LISTEN, RAT, I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE MY NEW CHARACTER, BUT THAT'S TOUGH. SO IF YOU'RE STILL TICKED, GO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM BY PLAYING DODGEBALL OR SOMETHING WITH PIG...
FINE.
AND DON'T USE BIPPY FOR A DODGEBALL.

OKAY, GUYS, IF BIPPY'S GONNA BE A LICENSEABLE CHARACTER, WE NEED TO START USING HIM IN SOME OF THESE STANDARD "PEARLS" SCENES. SO TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL WELCOME... LIKE HE'S ONE OF THE GANG.
THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE PUNCHING HIM IN THE HEAD.
WELCOME TO THE GANG, LICENSEABLE BIPPY.
RUN, 'LIL LICENSEABLE BIPPY. RUN!

HEY, GUYS, LISTEN, I JUST RETURNED FROM A LICENSING SHOW IN NEW YORK AND I LEARNED THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF LICENSED CARTOON PROPERTIES ARE BLAND, BIG-EYED AND SMILING.
SO?
SO TO MAKE A FEW EXTRA BUCKS, I'M GONNA INTRODUCE A NEW, SMILING CHARACTER INTO THE STRIP. HIS NAME IS BIPPY AND I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME. ANY QUESTIONS?
YEAH… WILL BIPPY KEEP SMILING IF I KICK HIM IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS?
NOBODY'S KICKING ANYBODY IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS.
HEY, BIPPY, SMILE IF YOU WANT TO BE KICKED IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS.

STORY UPDATE
Pig is playing with magnetic letters. He is having trouble.
THEY’RE CALLING YOU A
NAME, PIG. WHY DO YOU PUT ALL THOSE
GUYS CALLING YOU NAMES LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE
I’M ASKING.
WHY IS
SOMEONE
CALLING
ME NAMES.
I JUST
WANT TO KNOW
WHICH ONES
DO IT.
TEPHAN
SOMTIMES?
NOT ‘U’
SOMETIMES
‘X’... NOT AT
ALL
YOU
SOMETIMES
‘M’.. NOT
‘N’...
SOMETIMES
‘M.’
I
SOMETIMES AM
WHAT??
I’M
SOMETIMES
‘M’...
OK...?
YOU ARE NOT
OKAY YOU ARE
MAKING ME
MAD!!
WHAT’S
YOUR
FAULT,
IDIOT?!?
‘G.’ ‘G’ NOW I’M
DONE.
AND I THOUGHT MY
‘X’ WAS RUDE.

SINGLES HOTLINE.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
HI.. I’M
LOOKING FOR
A NICE GIRL
TO DATE. CAN
I SIGN UP ?
SURE. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
HE’S NO GUESSING PRIZE.
IGNORE MY BITTER X.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING WITH MY MAGNETIC LETTERS. I TALK TO THEM... I'VE STARTED SOME REAL GOOD RELATIONSHIPS.
YEAH, REAL GOOD. UNTIL THEY GO SOUTH LIKE OURS, YOU FAT G#X%!#* IDIOT.
I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY X.

LISTEN TO ME, LARRY... OUR SON JUNIOR LOST A TOOTH... SO WE HAVE TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING FOR IT.
OH YEAH?
YEAH... SO AFTER HE FALLS ASLEEP TONIGHT, PUT SOMETHING NICE UNDER HIS PILLOW SO IT'LL BE THERE WHEN HE AWAKES...GOT IT?
GOT IT.

JUNIOR LOST A TOOTH TODAY.
So?
SO THE 'TOOTH FAIRY' IS SUPPOSED TO COME TONIGHT AND LEAVE SOMETHING UNDER HIS PILLOW FOR IT.
Ohhh. Me get it.
WHERE YOU GOING?
To unlock front door.
That's NOT how it happens.
Ohhhhhhhh. She muss use cheemney like fat guy.

LOOK AT THIS STUDY. IT SAYS IF YOU WANT TO CONVINCE SOMEONE THAT AN IDEA OF YOURS IS WIDELY ACCEPTED, YOU JUST NEED TO REPEAT IT.
ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, AN OPINION REPEATED THREE TIMES BY ONE PERSON IS JUST AS LIKELY TO BE CONSIDERED 'POPULAR' AS AN OPINION EXPRESSED BY THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.... WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
RAT IS GOD. RAT IS GOD. RAT IS GOD.
WHY DO I TRY?
GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY, GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY, GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY.

HEY, STEH, IS IT TRUE THAT IN 1986, YOU WERE THE ONLY SENIOR AT SAN MARINO HIGH SCHOOL TO NOT HAVE A DATE FOR THE PROM, SO YOU SAT AT HOME AND CRIED WHILE WATCHING 'ST. ELMO'S FIRE'?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WENT TO MY PROM.
NOT ACCORDING TO YOUR BIO ON 'WIKIPEDIA.'
PLEASE STOP ENTERING STUFF ON MY 'WIKIPEDIA' PAGE.
AND WHY'D YOU GET THE LYRICS TO 'LIKE A VIRGIN' TATTOOED TO YOUR THIGH?

Hulloooooo zeeba neighba.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
No be alarm. Guvrenmint tell us come here. Review you health. Gev you esspert recumundayzhun.
That IS NOT what the--
Peese. Shut mouf. Doctur Pheel een meedle of esspert recumundayzhun.
Hmm. Hed colds. Headaces. Look like lot of probbims wid hed.
Whuh most ssartest course of acshun, Doctor?
No hed for you.
No hed for you.
look like payshunt elect against surgery.
HEY! WE EVEN GOT ANESTEZIOLOGIST

ALL OF MY PROBLEMS IN LIFE REVOLVE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE. I NEED A WAY TO MAKE THOSE PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR.
ANY IDEAS?
SHOVE
THAT'S IT SO FAR.

THIS BIOGRAPHY OF MARCO POLO IS THE GREATEST... DO YOU KNOW WHO MARCO POLO IS, PIG?

DO I? YOU BET I DO.
WHO?
HE INVENTED THE SWIMMING POOL.
NO.
MARCO
POLO

PIG, DO YOU
THINK I COULD
BE YOUR
SOULMATE?
OH, NO, PIGITA.
IF ANYTHING, IT
WOULD BE
A GUY.
A GUY??
WHY A
GUY?
BECAUSE THEY
DON'T ALLOW
WOMEN IN
MEN'S PRISON.
SOULMATE,
NOT
CELLMATE.
DOES THAT
STILL
INVOLVE
PRISON?

EAST OF THE ROCKIES, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
Greetings. We are aliens. We have disguised ourselves as earthly life forms. And we are already on earth preparing our attack, unless of course, you eradicate us first.
I SEE... AND WHAT ARE YOU DISGUISED AS, SIR?
Think evil farm animal.
HANG UP THE PHONE, GUARD DUCK.
BOMB US IF YOU CAN, MOOOOOO.
Cows hate your freedom.

RATS LATE NIGHT RADIO SHOW
WEST OF THE ROCKIES, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
YEAH, I'M CALLING FROM MY TRUCK. JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT ALIENS TOOK MY BRAIN.
LISTEN TO ME, SIR… YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A SMART MAN, SO THEY'LL BE PLEASED WITH YOUR BRAIN!! THAT MEANS THEY WILL RETURN FOR THE REST OF YOUR ORGANS, WHICH THEY WILL HARNESS FOR MILITARY USE!! YOU MUST NOT LET THEM GET THEM!!
OH. MY. GAWD. WHAT DO I DO??
DRIVE OFF A CLIFF!!
AHHHHHHHH……
THE F.C.C. FROWNS ON KILLING LISTENERS.
RULES. RULES. RULES.

RAT GOT A JOB HOSTING SOME LATE NIGHT RADIO PROGRAM CALLED 'THE UNEXPLAINED' FROM COAST TO COAST!
OH, I’VE LISTENED TO THAT. A BUNCH OF PEOPLE CALL IN AND DISCUSS ALIENS AND CONSPIRACIES AND STUFF.
YEP. THAT’S THE ONE.
BUT YOU KNOW, THE OLD HOST TOOK ALL THOSE CALLS VERY SERIOUSLY AND TREATED THE CALLERS WITH A LOT OF RESPECT. DOES RAT UNDERSTAND THAT’S WHAT'S EXPECTED?
GREETINGS, KOOKY PERSON.

HI. THIS IS DR. SMITH'S OFFICE CALLING TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR DENTAL CLEANING TOMORROW.
MAY I MAKE IT?
MAY I ASK WHY?
PROFANITY. IT OFFENDS ME. AND IT'S UNPROFESSIONAL.
I DIDN'T LET A CAR HIT YOU.
YOU WON'T START A BLOCK AWAY.
TWO BROKEN FEET.
WE CAN SEND A CAB.
WE'LL FIND A CAB.
CAN'T AFFORD IT.
YEP.
MOM DID.
YOU SAID THAT LAST YEAR.
DAD THIS TIME.
YOU'LL HIKE. HARD TO HIKE IF YOU DON'T KEEP TRACK.
WHO?
YOUR PARENTS?
ON TWO BROKEN FEET?
WHEN YOU'RE TRAINING FOR A MARATHON.
I DRIVE THE COURSE.
YOUR CAR WON'T START.
IF I HAD A CAB.
YOU'VE GOT ONE, KID.
EITHER YOU GIVE ME A VALID EXCUSE OR YOU GIVE ME YOUR @#$% LOCATION AND I'LL GET YOUR REAR IN HERE!!!
CUCKS
PROFANITY. IT OFFENDS ME.
SO UNPROFESSIONAL.

I'M THINKING ABOUT BEING MORE SOCIAL.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE I PREDICT IF I DO, MY FUTURE WILL BE FILLED WITH THE INANE CHATTER OF MEDDLING IDIOTS, ALL THINKING I CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START BY NOT CALLING THEM IDIOTS.
SUDDENLY, I'M NOSTRADAMUS.

HEY THERE, GOAT... WHATCHA BEEN DOING LATELY?
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BUILD A SHIP IN A BOTTLE. IT'S VERY HARD.
I IMAGINE, YOUR HEAD IS HUGE.
I DON'T GET INSIDE THE BOTTLE.
HEY, WANT TO SEE MY FRIEND SHOVE HIMSELF IN YOUR COKE?
NO.