Pearls Before Swine | Search

RAT'S SPEED DATING.
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU GO AROUND A ROOM MEETING PEOPLE, BUT YOU ONLY HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER, SO YOU HAVE TO BE FAIRLY BRIEF.
WHAT'S RAT SAY?
ME GREAT.
YOU NOT SO MUCH.

LOOK AT THIS PRINTER. THE LOW PRICE LISTED IS ONLY AFTER YOU APPLY FOR A REBATE. WHY DON'T THEY JUST TAKE THE MONEY OFF THE SALES PRICE AND SKIP THE REBATE?
BECAUSE COMPANIES KNOW THAT MOST PEOPLE WON'T APPLY FOR THE REBATE.
WHY NOT?
EITHER BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW OR JUST NEVER GET AROUND TO IT.
SO A REBATE IS A COMPANY'S DECLARATION OF FAITH IN THE FACT THAT WE'RE DUMB AND LAZY?
WE'LL, UM, I WOULDN'T SAY--
GUESS WHO GOT A DEAL ON A PRINTER!!!
NOW THEN, WHAT'S A RE--BATTY?
I GIVE UP.
I HAVE TO HIT YOU WITH THIS REPEATEDLY.

LOOK, MOM! SANTA CAME! I GOT DOMINOES, CANDY, A VIDEO GAME... DID YOU GET ANYTHING?
I DID, JUNIOR. LOOK! I GOT A BOOK AND JEWELRY AND PERFUME!... WONDER WHAT YOUR FATHER GOT?
Whuh ees 'restraining order'?
MERRY CHRISTMAS MOM!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SWEETHEART!
Me got lawyers too, FAT MAN!

Bad news, son. Santa no come Larry house dis year.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! HE ALWAYS COMES.
No. He no come. Guess it cause he moody, fat guy. He have lot of issues.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! SANTA'S KIND AND GENEROUS AND--
DAD ATE AN ELF.
YOU DID WHAT?
Whoa whoa whoa. Me only eat leg. Me sure it magically grow back.

HO HO HO. AND WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS, MY BOY?
I'D LIKE A TRAIN, AND A STUFFED ANIMAL, AND I'D LOVE ALL YOUR LITTLE HELPERS TO HAVE THE CHANCE TO LEAD LONG, MEANINGFUL LIVES.
HEH, HO HO HO, SURE, MY BOY, BUT THAT LAST REQUEST I DON'T GET VERY MUCH…CAN I ASK YOU WHY YOU WANT THAT?
SANTA NEEDS TO TAKE A LITTLE BREAK.
AND YOUR REINDEERS… I’D LIKE THEM TO LIVE, TOO.

SO, LARRY, YOU ENJOYING THE JOB SO FAR... FOR ME, IT'S JUST A WAY TO MAKE A FEW EXTRA BUCKS DURING THE HOLIDAYS.
HAHAHA. YOU JOKES SO FUNNY, ELF.
HEY, LARRY, MY NAME'S EDDIE. YOU CAN STOP CALLING ME "ELF."
OH, YES, YES... WHUH GREAT FRIEND YOU EES, EDDY ELF. HEY, YOU WANT BE BETTER FRIENDS? MEBBE MEET SOMEWHERE LIKE REMOTE SWAMP?
I THINK I'LL GO BACK TO WORK NOW, LARRY.
WHOA. NOW ME HAS TOOTHACHE. MIND TAKING CLOSE LOOK, ELF?

HEY, MA, WHERE'S DAD?
HE GOT A JOB IN THE MALL FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
WHAT KIND OF JOB?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY?
DUDE, STOP STARING AT ME.

DAD, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS CAN'T MAKE PLANS TO EAT SANTA!
WHY DAT BAD?
BECAUSE HE AND HIS LITTLE ELVES HAVE BEEN WORKING ALL YEAR MAKING TOYS FOR MILLIONS OF KIDS, AND YOU'RE GONNA EAT SANTA ON THE NIGHT HE'S GOTTA HAND THEM ALL OUT.
O.K. O.K., NO WORRY, SON. WE EES COME UP WID PLAN 'B'.
EET ELVES.

JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE USE THE COMICS AS WRAPPING PAPER DOESN'T MEAN WE HAVE TO BE WRAPPING PAPER.
HEY, PEOPLE MIGHT AS WELL GET SOME USE OUT OF THIS G*#% STRIP.
HAHAHAHA. MAN THIS STRIP IS FUNNY.

He fat.
He slow.
He in house.
HEY, DAD, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
Writing down reasons to eat Santy Closs.
Dat gonna slow down planning phase.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU HAVE A MORAL DILEMMA?
I TRY TO LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE MORAL COMPASS WE ALL HAVE IN OUR HEAD.
LIE! CHEAT! STEAL!
LIE! CHEAT! STEAL!
MY MORAL COMPASS MAY HAVE LOST ITS MORAL COMPASS.

HEY,
GOAT,
WHAT'S
GOING
ON?
I JUST GOT AN E-MAIL FROM RAT MARKED 'EXTREMELY URGENT,'...OH, GOD, I HOPE IT'S NOT AN EMERGENCY OR THAT SOMEONE HAS DIED OR SOMETHING...HERE...HERE...IT'S OPENING NOW.
My flatscreen TV is bigger than your flatscreen TV.
THAT IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.
SAID THE MAN WITH THE TINY 32-INCHER.
SIZE DOES MATTER, FRIEND.

HEY, RAT, WHERE--
THE SUSPENSE OUTSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE IS PALPABLE, PETER! YOU--
MIND KEEPING IT DOWN, GUYS?
SURE.
SORRY, PIG.
PANEL WALLS CAN BE SO THIN.

SO TELL ME SOMETHING, FATHER GUS. HAVE I LED A WORTHWHILE LIFE?
WELL... TELL ME WHAT YOU'VE DONE... HAVE YOU HELPED OTHERS? FORGIVEN OTHERS? LOVED OTHERS?
I BOUGHT A VERY BIG TELEVISION.
NOT SURE BIG TV'S COUNT.
I DIDN'T SAY 'BIG.' I SAID VERY BIG.
WILL IT SAVE HIS SOUL, FATHER?

HEY, RAT… I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL, FATHER GUS… HE'S A REAL AUTHORITY ON RELIGION.
AN AUTHORITY, HUH? THEN LET ME ASK YOU THIS... IS THERE REALLY A JUST GOD WHO IN THE END RIGHTS EVERY WRONG AND EVENS THE SCALES OF JUSTICE?
OH, DEFINITELY.
NUTS.
HE'S DISAPPOINTED?
A LITTLE.
A WHOLE LIFE'S PLAN... RUINED.

HEY, RAT. WHAT'S GOING ON?
I JUST CAME BY TO TELL YOU I BOUGHT A 65 INCH FLATSCREEN T.V. FOR MYSELF FOR CHRISTMAS.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU.
NOT 32 INCHES. NOT 46 INCHES. NOT 50 INCHES. BUT 65 INCHES.
I SEE. IT'S...
65 INCHES
YEAH, IT'S
SIXTY FIVE INCHES
I GET IT. IT'S A
LXV INCHES
I GET IT! OKAY? YOU HAVE A BIG T.V. IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.
I KNOW. I KNOW. I'M JUST HAVING A LITTLE FUN.
HEY, GUYS... DID YOU SEE THE PAPER? BIG SALE ON FLATSCREENS. I'M THINKING ABOUT GETTING ONE FOR MY LIVING ROOM... MAYBE A 70 INCH
WHY DO YOU...
CRACK
I JUST THINK THAT'S A WEE BIT BIG FOR HIS LIVING ROOM.
ROOM SIZE IS AN IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION, ZEBRA!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, PIG?
THEY AWARDED THE NOBEL PRIZE IN PHYSICS TO THESE GUYS WHO "DISCOVERED THE MECHANISM OF BROKEN SYMMETRY IN SUBATOMIC PHYSICS."
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
THEY STIFFED THE TOASTER INVENTOR AGAIN!!
THIS MIGHT BE WHY WE DON'T DISCUSS PHYSICS.
BREAD GOES IN. TOAST COMES OUT. BEAT THAT!

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
PACKAGE FROM AUSTRALIA. I'M TIRED OF MY RELIANCE ON OIL AND WANTED TO EXPLORE SOME ENERGY ALTERNATIVES.
WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, RAT...YEAH, I THINK AUSTRALIA'S A REAL PIONEER IN PRACTICAL ENERGY OPTIONS WE CAN ALL UTILIZE, LIKE SOLAR AND WIND AND ___
YOU'RE BORING MY KANGAROO.

LOOK, RAT...I BOUGHT NEW WINDOW SHADES THAT DON'T HAVE CORDS.
YOU JUST PULL DOWN THE SHADE TO LOWER IT...NOW I NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CORDS AGAIN!
TRUE HAPPINESS!! AT LAST!! AT LAST!!
WHY DO I SHARE THINGS WITH YOU?
NOW WE CAN ALL DIE HAPPY.

WHO THE HECK IS THAT?
FEDUPPO. THE LITTLE MAN WHO'S HAD IT.
HAD IT WITH WHAT?
LIFE. THE WORLD. EVERYTHING. SO NOW HE JUST SPENDS HIS LIFE FLOATING AIMLESSLY ABOVE IT.
DON'T WAIT UP.

HEY, GUYS, WANT TO PLAY 'SLUG BUG'?
WHAT IS IT?
IF YOU SEE A VOLKSWAGEN, YOU GET TO PUNCH THE OTHER GUY IN--
--THE SHOULDER.
IS MY NOSE MY SHOULDER?
THERE WASN'T EVEN A VOLKSWAGEN!
I IMAGINED IT.

STORY UPDATE:
The crocs drilled deep underground for gophers and hit a gusher, which they cannot shut off.
OHMYGAND, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO??
NO ONE CAN STOP IT!
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!
EVERYONE, CALM DOWN!! I AM GOING TO ATTEMPT A HIGH-RISK, TOP-KILL OPERATION WHICH SHOULD SHUT DOWN THE SOURCE OF THE GOPHERS!
CLANG
IT'S JUST THAT EASY.

WHY IS IT THAT EVERY TIME THERE'S A CONTROVERSY OR SCANDAL, SOMEONE PUTS THE WORD "GATE" ON THE END OF IT?
THAT'S STUPID.
NO, STUPID IS THIS INFERIOR VERSION OF HUNDONS I JUST BOUGHT. IT CRASHED ON ME.
WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO DO?
UPLOAD THIS VIDEO TO HORSE TROTTING.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT SHOWS HIM EASILY PUSHING OPEN THIS FENCE BOARD. IT JUST SNAPS.
SO?
SO I'M SENDING IT TO THE MANUFACTURER OF THE FENCE TO HAVE THEM REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING SO DEFECTIVE THAT TROTTING HORSE COULD BREAK IT.
HUNDOS?
YEAH, YOU KNOW, AN INFERIOR SEARCH ENGINE THAT WILL PICK THE INVENTOR OF WUNDOS.
OH
WHAT
GATES IS THE GUY WHO INVENTED WINDOWS.
WHO YA.
YEAH GATES I KNEW I WAS ONTO SOMETHING.
GATES WHO
YOUR'E EVEN BUGGING ME NOW.

WHAT IS THE CITY GONNA DO ABOUT ALL THESE GOPHERS? THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
I KNOW... I'VE HEARD THEY'VE MOBILIZED ALL OUR LOCAL POLICE TO WORK ON IT.
WHAT CAN THE POLICE DO ABOUT MILLIONS OF GOPHERS?
WELL, THE FIRST THING IS TO DRAFT A STEP-BY-STEP PLAN.
1. CRY.
2. PAT LITTLE GUYS ON HEAD.

OKAY, GUYS. IT'S CLEAR THAT THE CROCS CAN'T FIX OUR GOPHER CRISIS... SO I CALLED US ALL TOGETHER IN THE HOPES THAT ONE OF US CAN PROPOSE A VIABLE, ECOLOGICALLY SOUND SOLUTION.
HAND THEM GRENADES AND POINT THEM TOWARD THE TALIBAN?
I DON'T THINK—
NO, NO... THAT WAY, GUYS... THAT WAY.