Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU SEEN RAT TODAY?
YEAH. HE FEELS IGNORED BECAUSE HE'S NOT GETTING ENOUGH TIME IN THE STRIP LATELY, SO HE'S GIVING OUT YOUR HOME TELEPHONE NUMBER IN PANEL THREE.
AND REMEMBER, FOLKS, TO MAKE STEPHAN PAY DAY OR NIGHT, THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS (510) 75—
WHY WOULD YOU—
I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, PASTIS.
ANGRY FAN ON LINE TWO, STEPH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW, LARRY?
Me ees writing eendiary Bob buy for me at grocery stare. Me get idea from 'assassin log' me see on TV spy show.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Me ees ASSASSIN, womun. Me keap log of who me ees gonna KEEL, how me ees gonna keel, and when me ees gonna EET dem.
THAT WOULD PROBABLY BE MORE MENACING IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE HELLO KITTY PRINTED ON EVERY PAGE.
Me told you no to buy dis one.
Is only one stare have.
OH, NO ... IS THAT YOUR FIERCE 'HELWO KITTY' FACE?

I'M THINKING ABOUT MAKING IT MY SPIRITUAL JOURNEY TO LOVE OTHERS.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE I FEAR THE MORONS WILL DISAPPOINT ME.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START YOUR SPIRITUAL JOURNEY BY NOT THINKING OF OTHERS AS "MORONS."
I SEE THE TASK IS INSURMOUNTABLE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
SPRAYING THIS POLISH ON OUR TABLES. THE LABEL SAYS IT RESTORES STUFF TO ITS 'ORIGINAL LUSTER.' I'M DONE IF YOU WANT TO USE IT.
PSSHHHHHHHHHH...
SIGH.

LOOK, RAT, I'M COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS TO CHRISTMAS WITH MY NEW HOMEMADE CALENDAR. YOU OPEN A PRIZE BOX FOR EACH DAY THAT PASSES. IT'S CALLED AN ADVIL CALENDAR.
ADVENT.
NOW I FEEL BAD FOR FILLING THE PRIZE BOXES WITH PAIN RELIEVER.

OUR LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER. TOM WILSON, JR. HAS AGREED TO PUT PANTS ON ZIGGY IN TODAY'S ZIGGY STRIP.
YOU'RE KIDDING! WHAT'D YOU HAVE TO BRIBE HIM WITH TO MAKE HIM DO THAT?
I GAVE HIM ONE OF THE PET CHARACTERS. AW, HE ASKED FOR SOMEONE SOFT AND CUDDLY AND CUTE THAT ZIGGY COULD SNUGGLE WITH.
OH, GREAT. SO WHAT, YOU GAVE HIM SNUFFLES THE CAT?
NO NO NO... I DIDN'T GIVE HIM SNUFFLES. I MADE SURE IT WASN'T ANYONE THE STRIP WOULD MISS.
THIS MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE.

LISTEN, WE APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN, BUT ZIGGY'S CREATOR TOM WILSON, JR. HAS ASKED US TO PASS THE MESSAGE ON TO YOU THAT WE WILL NOT BE PUTTING PANTS ON ZIGGY.
OKAY... I UNDERSTAND... I APPRECIATE YOUR TALKING TO US... HEY, IS THAT AN INK STAIN ON YOUR SHIRT?
WHERE?
WHAM
WHAM
WHAM
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T HAVE SENT OUR INTERN.
HEY... WE'RE SENDING THE CHUBBY MAN'S OWN MESSAGE.
MAY I TAKE THE CHUBBY MAN'S PHONE?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WE'RE GOING ON A HUNGER STRIKE. WE'RE NOT GONNA EAT A THING UNTIL THE COMIC STRIP CHARACTER ZIGGY PUTS ON SOME PANTS.
YOU'RE EATING A CHEESEBURGER.
YEAH, WELL, I'M THE ORGANIZER. I HAVE TO KEEP A CLEAR HEAD. I'VE GOT OTHERS TO DO THE HUNGER STRIKE.
SURE HOPE HE PUTS ON PANTS.
MAY I KILL HIM FOR THE FRIES, SIR?
PEOPLE, PEOPLE, REMAIN STRONG.

DO YOU THINK COMICS ARE STILL RELEVANT?
I DON’T KNOW...WITH YOUTUBE, THE XBOX, AND IPHONES ALL COMPETING FOR PEOPLE’S ATTENTION I JUST DON’T THINK THERE ARE ANY ISSUES ON THE COMICS PAGE BIG ENOUGH TO–
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
PANTS ON ZIGGY!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!?
NOW!
HEY HEY, ZIG-ZIG-AY
HOW MANY FOLKS DID YOU SCARE TODAY?
MAYBE IT’S BETTER IF WE’RE IRRELEVANT.
HEY HEY HEY! THAT’S MY CAR YOU’RE OVERTURNING!

YOU EVER PARTICIPATED IN A PROTEST MOVEMENT, GOAT?
OH, YEAH. AGAINST WARS, WHALING, GLOBAL WARMING. A WHOLE BUNCH OF IMPORTANT CAUSES. WHY?
BECAUSE RAT'S DOING IT.
WELL, GOOD FOR HIM. IT'S IMPORTANT TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED IN THE GLOBAL COMMUNITY. WHAT'S THE CAUSE?
PUT PANTS ON ZIGGY!
FIGHT THE POWER!!
Check please.

BEHOLD! I HAVE INVENTED A KITCHEN GADGET THAT SHALL MAKE ME RICH. IT IS CALLED THE 'SPOON PICKER UPPER.'
HOW'S IT WORK?
WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO WALK ALL THE WAY OVER TO THE SPOON DRAWER TO GET A SPOON, YOU CAN JUST REACH FOR ONE WITH THIS THING.
BUT THAT'S SILLY. IT'S JUST A COUPLE STEPS.
POKE POKE JAB
GOOD THING IT'S GOT OTHER USES.

I FIRED YOUR STUPID DUCK AND HIS MORAN CAT FRIEND. THOSE FRAUDS TRIED TO POSE AS HOLLYWOOD AGENTS.
OH, I'M SURE THEY'LL BE OKAY. GUARD DUCK SAID HE JUST SIGNED ONE OF HIS ACTORS TO A FOUR-PICTURE DEAL FOR TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS.
TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS??!! HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?? WHAT CLIENT OF THEIRS MERITS THAT LEVEL OF CASH??
A TOAST TO BIPPY.
HEAR HEAR!

RAT MEETS HIS AGENT AND MANAGER
YOU TWO?! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING REPRESENTING YOURSELVES ONLINE AS HOLLYWOOD AGENTS?!?
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU! YOU'RE FRAUDS! YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THE BUSINESS! AND YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT REPRESENTATION! YOU'RE FIRED!
TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT THE LITTER BOX IN THE RECEPTION AREA.

ALRIGHT, MR. SNUFFLES, IF I'M GONNA BE A BIG-TIME HOLLYWOOD AGENT AND YOU'RE GONNA BE A MANAGER, WE FIRST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THE DIFFERENCE.
AHA... HERE IT IS... WHILE BOTH TAKE TEN PERCENT, MANAGERS WILL SPEND THEIR FREE MOMENTS RIPPING ON THE INEPTITUDE OF AGENTS, WHILE AGENTS WILL CHOOSE INSTEAD TO RIP ON THE INEPTITUDE OF MANAGERS.
GOT IT, POOPYBRAIN?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
WRITING A SCREENPLAY. I'VE ALREADY HIRED AN AGENT AND A MANAGER. WITH THEIR HELP, I WILL SELL IT FOR A MILLION BUCKS AND RETIRE ON THE COAST.
YOU KNOW... THOSE GUYS TAKE TEN PERCENT OF WHATEVER YOU MAKE.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S WORTH IT. I RESEARCHED THESE GUYS ONLINE AND BELIEVE ME, IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY REALLY KNOW WHAT REPRESENTING TALENT IS ALL ABOUT.
'STEP ONE: DO NOT RETURN PHONE CALLS.'

YO, PIG. YOU MET THE NEW OWNERS OF THIS DINER? THIS IS TINA AND THAT’S ARCHIE. THEY’RE NAMED OUR DINER ‘EVITA’S.’
HI.
HI, ARCHIE.
CALL ME ARCH.
DUDE, YOU’VE GOT TO TASTE THEIR TOASTED RYE BREAD AND COFFEE.
OH, YEAH?
YEAH. BEFORE THEY SERVE IT TO YOU, YOU DUNK THE CORNERS OF THE BREAD IN THE COFFEE. TASTES GREAT.
OH, BOY! I CAN’T WAIT.
WELL THEN TELL THEM.
DUNK RYE FOR ME, ARCH AND TINA!!
YOU’RE WHY NEWSPAPERS ARE SHRINKING THE COMICS PAGE.

I'M LONELY.
I NEED TO BE HELD. I NEED A GIRL.
DUDE, IF YOU WANT A GIRL, YOU GOTTA FOCUS ON WHAT GIRLS LIKE.
WHAT DO THEY LIKE?
FLOWERS, PUPPIES AND BABIES. JUST FIGURE OUT A WAY TO WORK THEM INTO YOUR GAME AND YOU'LL HAVE GIRLS ALL OVER YOU.
DATE ME.
IT'S NOT WORKING.

RAT LOST HIS CONTACT LENSES.
CAN HE SEE WITHOUT THEM?
YEAH, BUT IT'S HARD.
HOW HARD?
IS THAT ANDY GRIFFITH OR AUNT BEE?

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE INCORPORATED, STEPHAN SPEAKING.
HI, STEPH...THIS IS JOHN, FROM HAWMARK...LISTEN, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CANCEL THE GREETING CARD DEAL FOR YOUR NEW BIPPY CHARACTER.
CANCEL IT?! WHAT FOR?
WELL, THE BIPPY CARDS WERE SUPPOSED TO BE FOR A NEW SPIRITUAL LINE WE'RE DOING AND AFTER TODAY'S STRIP, WE JUST DON'T THINK BIPPY PROJECTS THE RIGHT IMAGE.
MAY I HAVE A WORD, RAT?
FEEL THE BUZZ, BIPPY.
FEEL THE BUZZ.

LISTEN, RAT, I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE MY NEW CHARACTER, BUT THAT'S TOUGH. SO IF YOU'RE STILL TICKED, GO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM BY PLAYING DODGEBALL OR SOMETHING WITH PIG...
FINE.
AND DON'T USE BIPPY FOR A DODGEBALL.

OKAY, GUYS, IF BIPPY'S GONNA BE A LICENSEABLE CHARACTER, WE NEED TO START USING HIM IN SOME OF THESE STANDARD "PEARLS" SCENES. SO TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL WELCOME... LIKE HE'S ONE OF THE GANG.
THAT DOES NOT INCLUDE PUNCHING HIM IN THE HEAD.
WELCOME TO THE GANG, LICENSEABLE BIPPY.
RUN, 'LIL LICENSEABLE BIPPY. RUN!

HEY, GUYS, LISTEN, I JUST RETURNED FROM A LICENSING SHOW IN NEW YORK AND I LEARNED THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF LICENSED CARTOON PROPERTIES ARE BLAND, BIG-EYED AND SMILING.
SO?
SO TO MAKE A FEW EXTRA BUCKS, I'M GONNA INTRODUCE A NEW, SMILING CHARACTER INTO THE STRIP. HIS NAME IS BIPPY AND I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD MAKE HIM FEEL AT HOME. ANY QUESTIONS?
YEAH… WILL BIPPY KEEP SMILING IF I KICK HIM IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS?
NOBODY'S KICKING ANYBODY IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS.
HEY, BIPPY, SMILE IF YOU WANT TO BE KICKED IN THE OOMPA LOOMPAS.

STORY UPDATE
Pig is playing with magnetic letters. He is having trouble.
THEY’RE CALLING YOU A
NAME, PIG. WHY DO YOU PUT ALL THOSE
GUYS CALLING YOU NAMES LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE
I’M ASKING.
WHY IS
SOMEONE
CALLING
ME NAMES.
I JUST
WANT TO KNOW
WHICH ONES
DO IT.
TEPHAN
SOMTIMES?
NOT ‘U’
SOMETIMES
‘X’... NOT AT
ALL
YOU
SOMETIMES
‘M’.. NOT
‘N’...
SOMETIMES
‘M.’
I
SOMETIMES AM
WHAT??
I’M
SOMETIMES
‘M’...
OK...?
YOU ARE NOT
OKAY YOU ARE
MAKING ME
MAD!!
WHAT’S
YOUR
FAULT,
IDIOT?!?
‘G.’ ‘G’ NOW I’M
DONE.
AND I THOUGHT MY
‘X’ WAS RUDE.

SINGLES HOTLINE.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
HI.. I’M
LOOKING FOR
A NICE GIRL
TO DATE. CAN
I SIGN UP ?
SURE. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
HE’S NO GUESSING PRIZE.
IGNORE MY BITTER X.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING WITH MY MAGNETIC LETTERS. I TALK TO THEM... I'VE STARTED SOME REAL GOOD RELATIONSHIPS.
YEAH, REAL GOOD. UNTIL THEY GO SOUTH LIKE OURS, YOU FAT G#X%!#* IDIOT.
I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY X.