Pearls Before Swine | Search

SINGLES HOTLINE.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
HI.. I’M
LOOKING FOR
A NICE GIRL
TO DATE. CAN
I SIGN UP ?
SURE. HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
HE’S NO GUESSING PRIZE.
IGNORE MY BITTER X.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
PLAYING WITH MY MAGNETIC LETTERS. I TALK TO THEM... I'VE STARTED SOME REAL GOOD RELATIONSHIPS.
YEAH, REAL GOOD. UNTIL THEY GO SOUTH LIKE OURS, YOU FAT G#X%!#* IDIOT.
I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH MY X.

LISTEN TO ME, LARRY... OUR SON JUNIOR LOST A TOOTH... SO WE HAVE TO GIVE HIM SOMETHING FOR IT.
OH YEAH?
YEAH... SO AFTER HE FALLS ASLEEP TONIGHT, PUT SOMETHING NICE UNDER HIS PILLOW SO IT'LL BE THERE WHEN HE AWAKES...GOT IT?
GOT IT.

JUNIOR LOST A TOOTH TODAY.
So?
SO THE 'TOOTH FAIRY' IS SUPPOSED TO COME TONIGHT AND LEAVE SOMETHING UNDER HIS PILLOW FOR IT.
Ohhh. Me get it.
WHERE YOU GOING?
To unlock front door.
That's NOT how it happens.
Ohhhhhhhh. She muss use cheemney like fat guy.

LOOK AT THIS STUDY. IT SAYS IF YOU WANT TO CONVINCE SOMEONE THAT AN IDEA OF YOURS IS WIDELY ACCEPTED, YOU JUST NEED TO REPEAT IT.
ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, AN OPINION REPEATED THREE TIMES BY ONE PERSON IS JUST AS LIKELY TO BE CONSIDERED 'POPULAR' AS AN OPINION EXPRESSED BY THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.... WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
RAT IS GOD. RAT IS GOD. RAT IS GOD.
WHY DO I TRY?
GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY, GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY, GIVE HIM YOUR MONEY.

HEY, STEH, IS IT TRUE THAT IN 1986, YOU WERE THE ONLY SENIOR AT SAN MARINO HIGH SCHOOL TO NOT HAVE A DATE FOR THE PROM, SO YOU SAT AT HOME AND CRIED WHILE WATCHING 'ST. ELMO'S FIRE'?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I WENT TO MY PROM.
NOT ACCORDING TO YOUR BIO ON 'WIKIPEDIA.'
PLEASE STOP ENTERING STUFF ON MY 'WIKIPEDIA' PAGE.
AND WHY'D YOU GET THE LYRICS TO 'LIKE A VIRGIN' TATTOOED TO YOUR THIGH?

Hulloooooo zeeba neighba.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
No be alarm. Guvrenmint tell us come here. Review you health. Gev you esspert recumundayzhun.
That IS NOT what the--
Peese. Shut mouf. Doctur Pheel een meedle of esspert recumundayzhun.
Hmm. Hed colds. Headaces. Look like lot of probbims wid hed.
Whuh most ssartest course of acshun, Doctor?
No hed for you.
No hed for you.
look like payshunt elect against surgery.
HEY! WE EVEN GOT ANESTEZIOLOGIST

ALL OF MY PROBLEMS IN LIFE REVOLVE AROUND OTHER PEOPLE. I NEED A WAY TO MAKE THOSE PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR.
ANY IDEAS?
SHOVE
THAT'S IT SO FAR.

THIS BIOGRAPHY OF MARCO POLO IS THE GREATEST... DO YOU KNOW WHO MARCO POLO IS, PIG?

DO I? YOU BET I DO.
WHO?
HE INVENTED THE SWIMMING POOL.
NO.
MARCO
POLO

PIG, DO YOU
THINK I COULD
BE YOUR
SOULMATE?
OH, NO, PIGITA.
IF ANYTHING, IT
WOULD BE
A GUY.
A GUY??
WHY A
GUY?
BECAUSE THEY
DON'T ALLOW
WOMEN IN
MEN'S PRISON.
SOULMATE,
NOT
CELLMATE.
DOES THAT
STILL
INVOLVE
PRISON?

EAST OF THE ROCKIES, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
Greetings. We are aliens. We have disguised ourselves as earthly life forms. And we are already on earth preparing our attack, unless of course, you eradicate us first.
I SEE... AND WHAT ARE YOU DISGUISED AS, SIR?
Think evil farm animal.
HANG UP THE PHONE, GUARD DUCK.
BOMB US IF YOU CAN, MOOOOOO.
Cows hate your freedom.

RATS LATE NIGHT RADIO SHOW
WEST OF THE ROCKIES, YOU'RE ON THE AIR.
YEAH, I'M CALLING FROM MY TRUCK. JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT ALIENS TOOK MY BRAIN.
LISTEN TO ME, SIR… YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY A SMART MAN, SO THEY'LL BE PLEASED WITH YOUR BRAIN!! THAT MEANS THEY WILL RETURN FOR THE REST OF YOUR ORGANS, WHICH THEY WILL HARNESS FOR MILITARY USE!! YOU MUST NOT LET THEM GET THEM!!
OH. MY. GAWD. WHAT DO I DO??
DRIVE OFF A CLIFF!!
AHHHHHHHH……
THE F.C.C. FROWNS ON KILLING LISTENERS.
RULES. RULES. RULES.

RAT GOT A JOB HOSTING SOME LATE NIGHT RADIO PROGRAM CALLED 'THE UNEXPLAINED' FROM COAST TO COAST!
OH, I’VE LISTENED TO THAT. A BUNCH OF PEOPLE CALL IN AND DISCUSS ALIENS AND CONSPIRACIES AND STUFF.
YEP. THAT’S THE ONE.
BUT YOU KNOW, THE OLD HOST TOOK ALL THOSE CALLS VERY SERIOUSLY AND TREATED THE CALLERS WITH A LOT OF RESPECT. DOES RAT UNDERSTAND THAT’S WHAT'S EXPECTED?
GREETINGS, KOOKY PERSON.

HI. THIS IS DR. SMITH'S OFFICE CALLING TO REMIND YOU OF YOUR DENTAL CLEANING TOMORROW.
MAY I MAKE IT?
MAY I ASK WHY?
PROFANITY. IT OFFENDS ME. AND IT'S UNPROFESSIONAL.
I DIDN'T LET A CAR HIT YOU.
YOU WON'T START A BLOCK AWAY.
TWO BROKEN FEET.
WE CAN SEND A CAB.
WE'LL FIND A CAB.
CAN'T AFFORD IT.
YEP.
MOM DID.
YOU SAID THAT LAST YEAR.
DAD THIS TIME.
YOU'LL HIKE. HARD TO HIKE IF YOU DON'T KEEP TRACK.
WHO?
YOUR PARENTS?
ON TWO BROKEN FEET?
WHEN YOU'RE TRAINING FOR A MARATHON.
I DRIVE THE COURSE.
YOUR CAR WON'T START.
IF I HAD A CAB.
YOU'VE GOT ONE, KID.
EITHER YOU GIVE ME A VALID EXCUSE OR YOU GIVE ME YOUR @#$% LOCATION AND I'LL GET YOUR REAR IN HERE!!!
CUCKS
PROFANITY. IT OFFENDS ME.
SO UNPROFESSIONAL.

I'M THINKING ABOUT BEING MORE SOCIAL.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU?
BECAUSE I PREDICT IF I DO, MY FUTURE WILL BE FILLED WITH THE INANE CHATTER OF MEDDLING IDIOTS, ALL THINKING I CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD START BY NOT CALLING THEM IDIOTS.
SUDDENLY, I'M NOSTRADAMUS.

HEY THERE, GOAT... WHATCHA BEEN DOING LATELY?
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BUILD A SHIP IN A BOTTLE. IT'S VERY HARD.
I IMAGINE, YOUR HEAD IS HUGE.
I DON'T GET INSIDE THE BOTTLE.
HEY, WANT TO SEE MY FRIEND SHOVE HIMSELF IN YOUR COKE?
NO.

WHERE DO YOU STAND ON THE GREAT TOILET PAPER DEBATE? SHOULD THE LOOSE END HANG OVER OR UNDER THE ROLL?
UNDER, I GUESS.
I SEE... SO YOU'RE AN UNDERER, NOT AN OVERER.
UH, YEAH, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL IT.
BAM BAM BAM
THEY'RE A DANGEROUS SECT.

LISTEN, PIG... THIS WHOLE COW TERRORISM THING IS GOING TOO FAR... IT'S JUST ABSURD.
THAT'S WHAT I USED TO BELIEVE. BUT THINK ABOUT IT... TERRORISTS ARE COWARDS. AND COWARDS STARTS WITH 'COW'.
OHMYGAA. PIG... PLEASE. THE SAME WORD ENDS WITH 'ARDS'. SO WHAT DOES THAT PROVE?
PIG TO BASE: BEWARE OF ARDS.
ROGER THAT, AGENT PORKY.
I GIVE UP.

THIS IS ABSURD. PIGS GUARD DUCK ACTUALLY BELIEVES COINS ARE GLOBAL TERRORISTS?
YEP. AND HE MAKES SOME GOOD POINTS. DID YOU KNOW ONE OF THEM DESTROYED CHICAGO?
THAT WAS A FIRE. AND IT WAS OVER A HUNDRED YEARS AGO. AND THE COIN DIDN'T START IT INTENTIONALLY!!!
WELL, I'D SAY THAT'S OPEN TO INTERPRETATION.
OH MY GOSH, THIS IS INSANE! OKAY, SUPPOSE COINS WERE THE ENEMY AND WE ARRESTED ALL OF THEM... WHERE EXACTLY WOULD YOU IMPRISON THESE MILLIONS OF COINS?!?
I CALL IT GUANTANAMOOOOO.

I HEAR PIG'S GUARD DUCK IS WITHDRAWING FROM YOUR FRONT LAWN AND REDEPLOYING.
YEAH. HE SAYS THERE'S A NEW ENEMY THAT'S MOBILE AND CAN LIVE OFF THE LAND. THEY PRODUCE VAST QUANTITIES OF NITROGEN AND THEY'RE ALREADY OPERATING IN OUR COUNTRY.
OH, MY GOD. WHO IS IT?
COWS. THEY HATE YOUR FREEDOM.
HOW DARE THEY.

Pearls will be back after this commercial break.
SIP SIP
GULP GULP GULP GULP
BAM BAM BAM
SWIPE
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
PEOPLE DO NOT BEAT EACH OTHER FOR A BEER IN THOSE COMMERCIALS.
THEY DO IN THE DANNY DONKEY VERSION.
RUN, YOU THIRSTY DONKEY, RUN!

WHAT WAS THAT NOISE?
JUST THE HOUSE SETTLING.
NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN YOUR DREAMS, HOUSE!!
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
THAT OUGHTA BUCK UP HIS SPIRITS.

Dear Tooth Fairy,
I lost a tooth.
Please pay me or
I will be sad.
you stupid
PIG. THAT’S
NOT HOW
YOU TALK TO
THE TOOTH
FAIRY.
HOW
DO YOU
TALK TO
THE TOOTH
FAIRY?
Dear Tooth Fairy,
I lost a tooth.
Please pay me or
you’ll be
HEARING
FROM MY
cousin Guido
THAT
SEEMS
AGGRESSIVE.
p.s. we are
not above
BREAKING
FAIRY
LIMBS.

HI, ZEBRA... IT'S ME, PIG.
HI, PIG. WHAT'S UP?
WELL... ARE YOU SITTING DOWN?
OH, MY GOD... NO. WHY?
BECAUSE I AM. AND IT'S SO DARN COMFY.
PLEASE DON'T START YOUR CONVERSATIONS THAT WAY.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST COMFY?

HELLO. THIS IS DR. SMITH'S OFFICE, JUST CALLING TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVE A DENTAL CLEANING SCHEDULED FOR TOMORROW.
SORRY. CAN'T MAKE IT.
AND WHY IS THAT?
THE SITUATION IN THE MIDDLE EAST.
I'M RUNNING OUT OF EXCUSES.