Pearls Before Swine | Search

Hullo...Croc call dis press conference because we know peoples concerned 'bout gopher t'ing.
Peese know we monitoring 24/7.
YOU'RE WATCHING THE SITUATION TWENTY-FOUR HOURS A DAY SEVEN DAYS A WEEK?
No. We watching da show '24' seven days a week...We has on DVD.
It reely gud show.

WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?
IT'S THE CROCS. THEY DRILLED FOR GOPHERS AND HIT A GOPHER GUSHER. NOW THEY CAN'T TURN IT OFF.
CAN'T TURN IT OFF? WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE GOPHERS?
THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO GET RID OF THEM WITH A GOPHER DISPERANT.
GOPHER DISPERANT? WHAT KIND OF DISPERANT?
Peese go home.

HEY, ZEBRA, COME OVER HERE REAL QUICK... I THINK A GOPHER JUST FLEW INTO YOUR WINDOW.
A GOPHER? WHY WOULD A GOPHER BE FLYING INTO MY WINDOW?
Dis a lot of gophers, Burt.
Shut up, look for off-switch, Bob.

THE CROCS HAVE LEARNED THAT THE GROUND IS FILLED WITH GOPHERS.
SO?
SO THEY THINK IF THEY CAN JUST FIND A WAY TO GET THEM OUT OF THEIR DEEP, UNDERGROUND HOMES, THEY CAN SNACK ON THEM FOR LIFE.
AND HOW DO THEY PLAN TO DO THAT?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
MY COUSIN SENT A MASS E-MAIL TO ME AND ALL OUR RELATIVES INVITING US TO HIS ENGAGEMENT PARTY.
THE FUNNY PART IS THAT OTHER THAN ME, HE HATES ABOUT ALL OF MY RELATIVES... HE'S JUST INVITING THEM BECAUSE HE FEELS HE HAS TO. LOOK AT THE REPLY I'M SENDING...
THAT'S GREAT.
THANKS.
MY FAVORITE PART HAS HOW YOU DIDN'T CLICK 'REPLY'. YOU CLICKED 'REPLY ALL'.
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I'LL BE THERE, COUSIN...AND WITH ANY LUCK, THE REST OF THE DIMWITTED BLOWHARDS WE CALL OUR 'RELATIVES' WON'T BE... WHAT A GOOD TIME CAN BE HAD BY ALL!
'REPLY AU'...THE DEADLIEST CLICK IN COMPUTERDOM.
UNCLE 'DIP' NARC: "HEY, LISTEN, DON'T RUIN IT FOR THE REST OF US. WE'RE STARVING FOR INFO!"

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I WAS WATCHING A DVD AND I TRIED TO FORWARD THROUGH THE COPYRIGHT WARNING. ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE SCREEN SAID, 'NOT PERMITTED.'
SO WHAT'S WITH THE SUITCASE?
I'M TURNING MYSELF INTO THE POLICE.
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

FEEL FREE TO TELL ME ANYTHING, MR. JOHNSON. THIS IS A JUDGMENT-FREE SETTING.
WELL, DOCTOR, SOMETIMES I'M WALKING DOWN THE STREET, AND I THINK I CAN FLY. I MEAN, I DUNNO. IS THAT NORMAL?
ERRT ERRT ERRT ERRT
WHAT'S THAT?
THAT'S THE BONKERS CHICKEN... YOU'VE SET IT OFF.
I'M LEAVING.
WHOA WHOA WHOA. YOU OWE ME AN EXTRA $50 TO RE-SET THE CHICKEN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
MAKING THE SIGN FOR MY NEW THERAPY PRACTICE.
BECAUSE... SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT
SOMETIMES YOU DON'T
ARE YOU A THERAPIST OR A 'MOUNDS' BAR?
HEY... WE ALL MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.

I'VE DECIDED TO BECOME A THERAPIST.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE TRAINED TO BE A THERAPIST?
I HAVE A COUCH. AND I CAN SAY 'HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?'
THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING YOU'VE EVER SAID!
BUT HOW DOES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL?
DON'T TOUCH ME.
SHOULD WE RESTRAIN THE PATIENT, DOCTOR?

DUDE, GET THE 'RAID' CAN. THERE'S A GIANT STICK INSECT AT THE FRONT DOOR.
A GIANT STICK INSECT?!
I'M NOT A STICK INSECT. I'M A SUPERMODEL.
IT'S SO HARD TO TELL.

OH, PIGITA, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL TONIGHT. I THINK YOU'RE THE PRETTIEST WOMAN ON THE NEWSPAPER COMICS PAGE. YOU KNOW, I SHOULD CAPTURE THIS MOMENT.
DID YOU JUST SHOVE 'SILLY PUTTY' IN MY FACE?
YEAH. LOOK HOW WELL IT PICKS UP NEWSPRINT.

HEY, PIG. WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
TALKING TO MY FRIENDS MR. CHOO AND MR. WHYTE. THEY'RE BOTH MEMBERS OF THE BRITISH PARLIAMENT AND THEY JUST FINISHED VOTING "AYE" ON A BILL.
IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME ...
IT'S BEST TO STOP THESE PUN STRIPS BEFORE THEY START.

I'M GONNA START A CAMPAIGN TO TRY AND GET MORE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FROM PEOPLE.
THEN START BY LOVING OTHERS.
FINE. BUT FIRST THEY MUST SWEAR UNDYING LOYALTY TO ME.
RAT, NO RIGHT-THINKING PERSON IS GOING TO OFFER UNCONDITIONAL LOVE TO SOMEONE WHOSE LOVE IS CONDITIONAL.... DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY ?
TARGET THE DUMB GUYS ?
MAYBE YOU DON'T.
HAVE I GOT A DEAL FOR YOU!
OH BOY!

WOW, THIS COMIC 'CUL DE SAC' IS REALLY AMAZING. THIS GUY, RICHARD THOMPSON, HAS GOTTA BE THE MOST BRILLIANT GUY ON THE COMICS PAGE.
YEAH, I KNOW.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO RICHARD THOMPSON IS. HOW WOULD YOU KNOW HE'S THE MOST BRILLIANT?
DEDUCTIVE REASONING.
DEDUCTIVE REASONING?
I KNEW IT WASN'T YOU.
THERE'S MORE THAN TWO OF US IN THE PROFESSION.
OH, THEN YOU'RE BELOW THOSE OTHER GUYS, TOO.
IT'S OKAY, STEPH. HAVE A NICE HAT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M CHANGING THE 'WIKIPEDIA' PAGE ON 'GLOBAL WARMING' TO SAY THAT JUMPING OFF YOUR ROOF WHILE IMITATING ONE OF THE THREE STOOGES IS A GOOD WAY TO CURB CARBON EMISSIONS.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THAT?
BECAUSE IT'S FUN. AND BESIDES, WHO CARES? IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE WOULD--
NYUK NYUK NYUK
WE SHOULD LIMIT HIS INTERNET TIME.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU THIS -- OH, SORRY, DUDE, YOU SLEEPING?
THE DINER GOT NEW WALLPAPER.
COMIC STRIPS CAN BE SO CONFUSING.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
TOUGH DAY. I HAVE TO GO TO THE D.M.V. TO GET MY LICENSE RENEWED. I HAVE TO GO TO THE POST OFFICE. AND I HAVE TO PAY BILLS.
I HAVE TO PUSH AROUND A GIANT BALL OF DUNG.
IT'S BEST NOT TO WHINE AROUND DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE.

HEY, PIG. WHY THE LONG FACE?
OH, HEY, DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE...I'M JUST HAVING A BAD DAY. YOU KNOW, LOTS OF BILLS, NO JOB, CAR TROUBLES.
I LIVE IN DUNG.
IT'S HARD TO COMPLAIN TO DONNY THE DUNG BEETLE.

HEY, ZEBRA. WANT TO BUY SOME COOKIES? SEE HOW YOU BUY A BOX FOR A BUCK.
SURE. I LOVE COOKIES.
GREAT. ENJOY.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YES?
THE BUCK JUST GETS YOU THE BOX. IF YOU WANT COOKIES IN THERE, IT'S AN EXTRA TWO BUCKS.
WHAT KIND OF RIPOFF IS THAT?
IT'S NO KIND OF A RIPOFF AT ALL.
GIVE ME MY TWO BUCKS BACK.
FINE. YOU'RE LUCKY I'M SUCH A NICE GUY.
GREAT. ENJOY.
HEY, WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS?
YOU DO NOT GET CHIPS IF YOU WANT EM', IT'S TWO BUCKS FOR THAT.
HERE YOU GO.
FINE. HERE'S YOUR CHIPS.
THAT'S JUST A BAG OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS. PUT EM' IN THE COOKIES.
OOH, YOU'RE A DEMANDING LITTLE FUDGEBALL, AREN'T YOU?.....YOU WANT THE CHIPS-CHIPS IN THE COOKIES-PREMIUM SERVICE. IT'S JUST AN EXTRA....
AUGHH
THE AIRLINE FEE STRUCTURE. IT'S NOT JUST FOR AIRLINES ANYMORE.
AND FOR TWO MORE BUCKS, I'LL WASH MY HANDS FIRST.

DO YOU THINK THAT HAVING CHORES YOU HAVE TO DO EVERY WEEK MAKES YOU A MORE RESPONSIBLE GUY?
OH, YES. AND THE MORE RESPONSIBLE YOU ARE, THE BETTER ALL-AROUND BEING YOU ARE, WHICH IN TURN MAKES YOU HAPPY.
YEAH. AND I WANT TO BE HAPPY AND ALL, BUT... WOW... IT'S MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAT...
... YOU BE HAPPY.
*SIGH*

Son, me has technoglogical question.
WHAT IS IT?
If crocs call Zeeba on compooter videophone and Zeeba answer, does Zeeba actually be een croc living room?
NO, DAD, THAT'S HIS IMAGE ON THE SCREEN. IT'S NOT THE ACTUAL ZEBRA.
Bad news.

DID GEORGE WASHINGTON HAVE A POINT AT THE TOP OF HIS HEAD?
NO.
WAS HE FIVE HUNDRED FEET TALL?
NO.
THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT DOES NOT DEPICT GEORGE WASHINGTON.
THEN WHO'S THAT SPOS'D TO BE?
IT'S HIS ARCH NEMESIS, ANDY OBEUSKI!

RAT MAKES "PEARLS" A "MAD LIB."
LISTEN TO ME, RAT. I'M SERIOUS. WE ARE NOT TURNING THE STRIP INTO A "MAD LIB."
FINE, THEN HOW 'BOUT JUST THE PUNCHLINE? WE CAN ASK READERS TO FILL IN THE BLANKS AND GIVE A PRIZE TO THE BEST SUBMISSION.
NO. I HAVE NO PRIZE TO GIVE AND I HAVE NO TIME TO GO THROUGH 100, 000 E-MAILS.
ALRIGHT. FINE. I UNDERSTAND.
HOW 'BOUT I JUST ____ THEM (VERB) ____ A ____ (ADJECTIVE) (NOUN).
I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
RUN, RAT, BEFORE HE ____ YOUR ____ (VERB) (NOUN)

HEY, PIG, DID YOU SEE WHAT YOUR STUPID GUARD DUCK DID?
NO. WHAT?
HE _____ A _____ WITH HIS _____.
MY STRIP IS NOT A 'MADLIB.'
WHY NOT? IT BEATS THE _____ YOU WRITE.
HAHAHA YOU JUST MADE ME _____

PIG, IT'S ME, PIGITA... I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME OUT TONIGHT... AND I WANT TO GO SOMEPLACE NICE, NOT ONE OF YOUR ADOLESCENT BURGER JOINTS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH BURGER JOINTS?
BECAUSE, I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE I'M DATING A KID... I'M A GROWN WOMAN AND I NEED A MATURE RELATIONSHIP.
YOU GOT IT... BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?
WHY?
NO REASON.
OUT OF THE SOFA FOR FATTY CROCKETT!!