Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, GOAT?
SOMEONE'S GONE THROUGH MY WALT WHITMAN BOOK AND CROSSED OUT BIG CHUNKS OF EVERY POEM WITH A SHARPIE!
WHY WOULD SOMEONE DO THAT?
BECAUSE ALL POETRY IS BEST READ TWITTERIFIED.
WALT WHITMAN WAS NOT LIMITED TO 140 CHARACTERS!
Ohhh. BUT HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN.

HEY, GOAT... WHERE
WERE YOU YESTERDAY?
I WENT TO THE PARK. IT
WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. THE
SUN WAS JUST SETTING
AS I GOT THERE AND
IT WAS REFLECTING OFF
THE LAKE. SOMETIMES
THAT PLACE IS--
UH
UH
UH
UH
UH
UH
WHAT?
YOU'VE
REACHED
140
CHARACTERS.
THIS
IS
NOT
TWITTER.
PIPE DOWN.
YOU'VE
BEEN
TINTIFIED.

HELLO?
STEPHAN, IT'S YOUR MOTHER. WHERE ARE YOU?
MOM, I'M IN HAWAII. I TOOK A COUPLE WEEKS OFF.
YOU'VE BEEN READING YOUR STRIPS LATELY?
NO. NOT AT ALL. WHY?
BECAUSE EVERYONE IS DEAD! THE PIG IS DEAD! THE ZEBRA IS DEAD! THE DUCK! THE CAT! THE CROC'S! THEY ARE IN SOME STUPID 'WONDERLAND' PLACE! THEY'RE GETTING EATEN BY SOME STUPID "CATERPILLAR" THING!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS WEEK'S STRIPS ARE ABOUT GUARD DUCK AND SOME COW'S!!
THINK AGAIN. MY IDIOT SON.
WELL, WHO THE HECK IS DOING MY STRIP WHILE I'M GONE?!?
YOU'RE IN TROUBLE.
PIPE DOWN, FATTY. I'M TAKING THE 'FAMILY CIRCUS' KIDS.

Raterpillar has killed all of the other "Pearls" characters. Still not sated, he searches for one more "Pearls" morsel.
No No No No No No No No No No
And finds it.
Mmmm... Cartoonist sushi.

Grown large through the consumption of a magic eggplant, the Raterpillar descends into madness and eats Tweedle Dum Pig and Tweedle Dee Idiot Pig.
CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
And the soldiers.
And the Cheshire Snuffles.
And the Queen.
And the Mad Ducker.
And the zebra.
And a goat.
Whoa Whoa Whoa. I wasn’t even in this story.
Insensitive to continuity errors, the Raterpillar eats him anyways.
Plotline schmotline.

A confused and lost Zebra wanders through Wonderland, helped not at all by Tweedle Dum Pig and Tweedle Dee Idiot Pig.
Go this way.
Go that way.
He is soon put to sleep by an aromatic fog...
...blown by the Raterpillar.
Want a puff?

STORY UPDATE
Zebra has eaten Larry
Mmmm... Tastes like chicken
His crime witnessed by the Mad Ducker and the Cheshire Snuffles, he is arrested by the soldiers of the Queen
Who gives her verdict on the killing of Larry
WOOHOO!!

LARRY! ZEEBA NEIGHBA!!
WELL NOW, LARRY, I GUESS THE TABLES ARE TURNED.. I SUPPOSE NOW YOU’RE THE PREY.
Hey hey hey, leesten... Me know mebbe we no see eye-to-eye een past, but me you wan’t say one ting...
Me love you, maaaaan.
Champ
Champ
Munch
Champ
Munch

AHHH!! Where is me? Me want out! Me want oooouttt!!!
Okay, calm you face, Barry, calm you face... Dreenk beer. Life empeove. Barry escape.
Ahhhhhhhh!! Now me smaller den hamster! How can barry life geet any wosser??
WHERE AM I ?

WHERE THE @#%* ARE
YOU GOING?
THERE'S A BULLFIGHT
GOING ON
DOWNTOWN.
A BULLFIGHT?! I'VE ALWAYS
WANTED TO SEE A BULLFIGHT!
PUT 'EM UP, MIKE.
I'LL BREAK YOUR
NOSE, CHIP.
I EXPECTED
MORE.
YOUR MAMA
IS SOOOO
FAT.
I KNOW YOU
ARE. BUT
WHAT AM I?

WHY'D YOU WANT TO COME TO THE ZOO, ZEBRA?
THE CITY NABBED THAT STUPID CROC NEIGHBOR OF MINE AND STUCK HIM IN HERE. I WANT TO SEE HIS SAD FACE.
CLIVE! IT'S THE LOOSE ZEBRA SOMEONE PHONED IN! GRAB HIM! QUICK!
I WANTED HIS POPCORN.

LARRY HAS FALLEN DOWN A LONG GOPHER HOLE. HE IS LOST. HE IS CONFUSED AND CURIOUS AND GETTING CURIOSER. WE SHALL LIGHT A CANDLE FOR POOR LARRY.
WE SHALL BLOW IT BACK OUT.

HERE'S YOUR CASE OF BEER, LARRY. ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU?
Yeah, Clive, me got huge gopher hole. Pleeze fill. Me might hunt for zeeba today and me no want to trip and --
BAM BAM
WHAM
BOOM
THUD
You one ugly zeeba.

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENS TO YOU WHEN YOU DIE?
GOOGLE IT.
GUYS, GOOGLE ISN'T SOME ALL-POWERFUL, ALL-KNOWING GOD... THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THAT NOT EVEN GOOGLE CAN HELP YOU WITH.
WHICH THINGS ARE THOSE?
GOOGLE IT.
I GIVE UP.
ALL PRAISE TO THE GOOGLE!

OKAY, PIG. I'VE PUT TOGETHER OUR BUDGET FOR THE YEAR. HAVE A LOOK...
FOOD: $4,000
BEER: $4,500
POOL TABLE: $2,400
FLATSCREEN TV: $2,600
EXPENDITURES: $13,500
INCOME: $2,000
$11,500 (SURPLUS)
WOW! WE CAN AFFORD TONS OF STUFF. AND HAVE MONEY LEFT. HOW DID YOU CALCULATE OUR INCOME?
OH. I EXPLAINED IT ALL NEXT TO THAT ASTERISK BELOW.
*Rob bank
MAYBE WE DON'T NEED A POOL TABLE.
SHUT UP AND PUT ON YOUR STOCKING.

Hello?
Hi, ma'am. This is the city zoo. Just wanted to let you know we picked up your husband this morning and put him in the zoo.
WHAT?! HE'S A CROCODILE! YOU CAN'T JUST PULL HIM FROM HIS HOME AND CONFINE HIM LIKE THAT! HE'S GOT A WIFE AND A SON! WHAT'S A PREDATOR LIKE THAT GONNA DO BEHIND BARS?!
atch the arty chuq – BEER
GLUG GLUG GLUG

The Adventures of Elly Elephant
by Rat
Elly Elephant played with the blocks.
With these blocks, I will build something beautiful, she said...
I will build a block sculpture so wonderful that people will pause and weep.
And they will hug the person next to them. And the hugs will spread...
and there will be love.
And wars will end. And hate will fade. And all of humankind will realize through this one work of art that they have more in common than their countries and governments and religions and traditions have led them to believe.
Elly Elephant took a break from her blocks to watch the news.
Elly Elephant played with blocks.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
SELF-AFFIRMATION...YOU STARE AT YOUR REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR AND SAY GOOD THINGS...YOU ARE LOVED, PIG...YOU ARE LOVED, PIG...YOU ARE LOVED, PIG.
I FIND THAT HARD TO BELIEVE.
I WISH HE'D STOP DOING THAT.

ALRIGHT, WHAT DO WE HAVE UNDER "ANIMAL/VISITOR INTERACTION ISSUES"?
SIR, SOME OF THE BLACK BEARS HAVE LEARNED TO LEAN ON THEIR HIND LEGS AND BEG FOR FOOD, WHICH PEOPLE THROW TO THEM.
WE CAN'T HAVE LEARNED HUMAN BEHAVIOR LIKE THAT. THESE ARE WILD ANIMALS. WHY HASN'T THIS BEEN STOPPED?
FRANKLY, SIR, BECAUSE WE'VE HAD EVEN BIGGER PROBLEMS WITH THE CROC EXHIBIT.
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
Watch Larry chug a BEER!! (one dollar)

THANKS FOR TAKING ME TO THE ZOO, MOM. THE NEW BEAR EXHIBIT IS AMAZING. IT'S LIKE YOU'RE IN THE WILD WITH THEM.
YES... ZOOS NOW STRIVE TO PUT ANIMALS IN AS CLOSE TO THEIR NATURAL ENVIRONMENT AS POSSIBLE. THAT WAY, YOU SEE THEM AS THEY ARE AND THE ANIMAL IS MORE COMFORTABLE..
LET'S KEEP MOVING, SON.
HEY, IT'S DAD WITH A SNOUT.

DID YOU HEAR THE CITY GRABBED LARRY THE CROC AND PUT HIM IN THEIR ZOO?
NO. WHY'D THEY DO THAT?
THEY NOTICED HOW, UNLIKE OTHER CROCS, LARRY SEEMS TO WATCH A LOT OF T.V. AND DRINK BEER, SO THEY THINK THEY'VE DISCOVERED A NEW CROC SPECIES.
WHAT SPECIES IS THAT?
CROCUS LAZYBUTTUS

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I AM MONKEYPIG.
WHY?
BECAUSE I'M LONELY AND I CAN'T FIND LOVE. AND WHEN YOU'RE LONELY AND CAN'T FIND LOVE, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE MONKEYPIG.
I'M JUST SUPPORTING A FRIEND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WISHING ON A SUPERNOVA.
A SUPER-NOVA? THAT'S A STAR THAT'S COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF.
I KNOW. RAT SAID I SHOULD WISH ON IT BECAUSE THAT WAY WHEN MY DREAMS IMPLODE IT WILL ALL MAKE COSMIC SENSE.
WHY YOU LITTLE--
LOOK, PIG, A BLACK HOLE... THROW YOUR HOPES DOWN IT.

WHERE WERE YOU
YESTERDAY?
I TRAVELED TO NEW
YORK AND SNUCK
UP ON THE EDITOR
OF 'PEARLS BEFORE
SWINE'.
WHAT?? WHY'D
YOU DO THAT?
WELL, ORIGINALLY, I WANTED TO DO
IT 'CAUSE WE HAVE NO EDITOR AND
OUR CHARACTERS ALWAYS SAY
WHATEVER WE WANT
TO PUT IN PEARLS, BUT AFTER I GOT THERE,
I CHANGED MY MIND.
WHAT DO
YOU MEAN,
'CHANGED YOUR
MIND'?
WELL, AFTER I KNOCKED THE POOR
GUY SENSELESS, I NOTICED HIS
COMPUTER HAD ACCESS TO THIS
DATABASE WHERE EVERY SYNDICATED
CARTOONIST IN THE COUNTRY
SUBMITS THEIR WORK.
SO?
SO IT MEANT I
COULD MESS WITH
OTHER CREATORS'
COMIC STRIPS.
YOU
DIDN'T.
I DID. I DELETED CAPTIONS
AND REPLACED THEM WITH
SOME GOULET I FOUND IN
THIS LITTLE BOOK I CARRY
AROUND.
THE COMPLETE
SPEECHES OF
BENITO MUSSOLINI?!
WHAT'S
WRONG
WITH
THAT?

ALRIGHT, YOU IDIOTS, SINCE YOU'RE THE ONES THAT TOOK OUT DILBERT, YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE ONES TO BREAK THE NEWS TO THE OTHER DILBERT CHARACTERS.
I DON'T KNOW...JUST GET 'EM ALL TOGETHER IN A CONFERENCE ROOM, TELL THEM DILBERT'S PASSED AWAY, AND DEAL WITH THEIR REACTION.
BUT WHAT WILL THEY SAY?
DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN LEAVE EARLY?