Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
"PEARLS" IS IN THIS NEWSPAPER'S ONLINE COMICS POLL. I FIGURE THAT SINCE THESE THINGS ARE SO OFTEN FILLED WITH BALLOT STUFFING, I MIGHT AS WELL THROW IN A FEW THOUSAND VOTES.
NO NO NO. I DON'T WANT TO WIN THAT WAY.
RELAX. THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE AT LEAST THREE THOUSAND VOTES AGAINST YOU.
YOU LITTLE..
ONE VOTE FOR MARMADUKE. TWO VOTES FOR MARMADUKE.

THIS BANK BAILOUT IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE GOLDEN PARACHUTES THEY'RE GIVING TO THESE FIRED C.E.O.s.
AWWW...
THOSE POOR LIL' C.E.O.s.
HOW CAN YOU FEEL SORRY FOR THESE GREEDY IDIOTS?
BECAUSE THE LAST THING YOU WANT WHEN YOU JUMP FROM A PLANE IS HUNDREDS OF POUNDS OF SOLID GOLD FLOATING OVER YOUR HEAD.
LIFE MUST BE TOUGH WHEN YOUR ENTIRE FRAME OF REFERENCE IS A WILE E. COYOTE CARTOON.
OH, AND AVOID THESE THINGS.
THEY HURT.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE HAVE LESS HAIR THAN OTHERS?
BECAUSE THEY SIN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
A PERSON LOSES ONE HAIR EVERY TIME THEY SIN.
WHY DO YOU TELL HIM--
REPENT!
Check please.

HI, RAT. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
PROFESSOR BOB. HE'S A TENURED PROFESSOR.
WHAT DOES TENURED MEAN?
IT MEANS HIS UNIVERSITY HAS GIVEN HIM A TEACHING POSITION FOR LIFE, SO NOW HE CAN DO PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING HE WANTS.
OH YEAH? SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, PROFESSOR BOB?
BLOW SOME [EXPLETIVE] UP.
STAY ON HIS GOOD SIDE.

WHAT'S YOUR LIFE'S DREAM, PIG?
TO BE A MEMBER OF THE 'PINK AVENGERS,' AN ELITE CORPS OF FLYING PIGS WHO SWOOP DOWN FROM THE CLOUDS WHENEVER THEIR HOTLINE ALERTS THEM TO SOMEONE WHO IS CRUSHING THE ASPIRATIONS OF A PIG.
HOW STUPID.

HOW COME WE NEVER GO IN THE BASEMENT?
BECAUSE IT'S DARK AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE.
THAT'S STUPID. I'M GOING IN.
I THINK I KNOW WHY OUR AIR-CONDITIONING BILL IS SO HIGH.

RING
RING
RING
RING
HELLO?
Hullo. Dis Pressydent of United State. Me say, No study. Play Wii. School for losers.
HANG UP THE PHONE, LARRY.
Uh oh. Look like Friss Lady have patty mouf.

DO YOU
HAVE A
PRINCIPLE
THAT GUIDES
YOUR LIFE?
YES. ALWAYS
SUSPECT THE
WORST OF
OTHERS. YOU'LL
RARELY BE
DISAPPOINTED.
DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN BE A
LITTLE MORE
POSITIVE?
YES.
ALWAYS
EXPECT
THE BEST
OF OTHERS.
THERE
YOU
GO.
AND WATCH AS
YOUR HOPE IS
CRUSHED LIKE
CRACKERS IN A
FAT MAN'S BED.
NEVER
MIND.
AND THE FAT
MAN IS ANGRY.
AND THE FAT
MAN HAS
A SLEDGEHAMMER.
AND THE FAT
MAN IS YELLING,
'DIE, CRACKERS,
DIE!'

HI. HOW MUCH FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?
TWO BUCKS. BUT YOU CAN GET AS MANY REFILLS AS YOU WANT. IT'S BOTTOMLESS.
OH, GREAT... THEN ONE COFFEE, PLEASE.
MORE PLEASE.

HEY THERE, GOAT...
WHATCHA READING?
THIS INTERNET MESSAGE
BOARD. IT'S ALL ABOUT
"PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
THIS ONE GUY RIPS ON
YOU EVERY DAY.
ON ME??
WHAT FOR?!
HE SAYS YOU'RE A
'BIG, FAT, UNFUNNY,
@#$%*%!'
OH, GREAT. SO THIS
GUY'S GOT NOTHING
BETTER TO DO???
Nope.

Elly Elephant did everything for Henry Hippo.
She cut up his fruit for him.
She bought his clothes.
She made his plane reservations.
She paid the bills.
She moved the lawn.
She did the laundry.
She did the dishes.
And she vacuumed.
And she dusted.
And she made the bed.
One day, Elly Elephant asked Henry Hippo a question, "What do you do for me?"
Stumped, Henry Hippo handed her a corn chip. "I hand you the corn chips," he said.
Elly Elephant suffocated Henry Hippo with the corn chip bag.
WHAT KIND OF ANNIVERSARY CARD IS THIS!?
THE TRADITIONAL KIND.
OH, I TORE A PIECE OF CORN CHIP BAG.

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THE EYES ARE THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL?
I GUESS THEY'RE LOOKING AT THE BODY LIKE A HOUSE, AND SINCE THE EYES ARE IN FRONT, AND YOU CAN SEE INTO THEM, THEY'RE LIKE THE FRONT WINDOWS OF A HOUSE.
NOW I'M WORRIED.
WHY?
I MIGHT BE SITTING ON THE BACK DOOR.

STEPH! COME QUICK!! FORGET ABOUT MARY NORTH! ONE OF THE KIDS FROM 'CUL DE SAC' JUST SET FIRE TO OUR ********** KITCHEN!!!
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
OH MY GAND! HEY! KID! CALL 9-1-1!! NOW!!!
9-1-1. WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?
HELLO? HELLO? IS SOMEONE THERE? HELLO?
NEVER LET THE PANTOMIME CHARACTER CALL 9-1-1.

I DON'T GET IT. I ASKED MARY WORTH A QUESTION YESTERDAY AND SHE STILL HASN'T RESPONDED.
SERIAL STRIPS ARE DIFFERENT THAN HUMOR STRIPS, STEPH. THE PACING CAN BE PRETTY SLOW. CONVERSATIONS CAN GO ON FOREVER. AND THEY DON'T END WITH FUNNY PUNCH LINES.
SOUNDS LIKE "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
DO YOU MIND?
MOVE, MARY WORTH, MOVE!

MARY WORTH, I'M SO SORRY. RAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE SHOVED YOU IN THE CLOSET. FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU'RE A SERIAL STRIP ICON. ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY?
WHEN DOES SHE RESPOND?
FOUR MORE STRIPS IF YOU'RE LUCKY.
SEE WHY I SHOVED HER IN THE CLOSET?
TO BE CONTINUED...

"HANDS ACROSS THE COMICS PAGE"
GUYS, I DON'T THINK THIS CHARITY
DRIVE IS GONNA RAISE MONEY FOR
STRUGGLING NEWSPAPERS UNLESS WE
INVOLVE OTHER COMIC STRIPS.
WE DID.
WE INVITED
"MARY WORTH."
WHERE
IS SHE?
I SHOVED HER
IN THE
CLOSET.
WHAT??
WHY?!
I DIDN'T
THINK I
NEEDED A
REASON.
I'D REACT,
BUT I NEED
TO SLOW DOWN
THE STORYLINE.

KUMBAYAA MY LORD KUMBAYAAAA
WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON HERE?
OH. HI, STEPHAN. IT'S HANDS ACROSS THE COMICS PAGE: WE'RE RAISING MONEY TO SAVE NEWSPAPERS EVERYWHERE.
GUYS, PAPERS AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
OH. GOOD, 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE WRONG AND THE COMICS PAGE GOES AWAY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE A LAWYER AGAIN.
KUMBAYAH MY LORD KUMBAYAAAAAA

MY NEIGHBOR FRED DIED SUDDENLY. HE WAS ONLY 42.
WAS HE SUPER-FAT?
NO.
SMOKE FOUR PACKS A DAY?
NO.
FAMILY HISTORY?
NO.
PREVIOUS HEART PROBLEMS?
NO.
USE DRUGS?
NO.
DRIVE SUPER-FAST MOTORCYCLES IN THE RAIN?
NONE OF THOSE... NOTHING...
IT CAN’T BE NOTHING, BECAUSE NOTHING COULD HAPPEN TO ME! MEANING THAT FATE IS WHIMSICAL! THAT I, TOO, COULD DIE ANYTIME! GIVE ME SOMETHING ABOUT FRED THAT MADE HIM DIFFERENT THAN ME!
HE COLLECTED STAMPS?
HIGH-RISK HOBBY. HE WAS DOOMED.

Okay, son. No tell you mom cheekens take Pinemetre. She never like cheekens farm idea een first place.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL HER? I THINK SHE'LL NOTICE ALL OUR FURNITURE IS GONE.
Peese, son. Leave to Larry. Me has long heestory of lying to you mom. Plus, me has essplanation dat both reasonable and blueewable.
GIANT
WE SEE EET YOU
TURMITTER FURNITURE ROBTION
COUCH

THE GREAT CHICKEN REBELION
OKAY, DAD. I'VE NEGOTIATED WITH THE CHICKENS. THEY'VE AGREED TO LEAVE US ALONE PROVIDED WE GIVE IN TO SOME OF THEIR DEMANDS.
Whuh dey want from us?
Bigger chicken coop
More chicken feed?
Dey very demanding cheekens.

DAD, YOUR CHICKENS ARE FURIOUS. THEY MUST HAVE FOUND OUT YOU WERE RAISING THEM FOR FOOD.
Stoopid cheekens.
Wut do we do now?
Gud idea.
WELL, MAYBE WE CAN GIVE THEM SOMETHING... SORT OF A PEACE OFFERING. I KNOW THEY HAVEN'T HAD ANY CHICKEN FEED FOR A DAY, SO THEY MUST BE HUNGRY.
Peace, leetle cheekens.
CHICKEN FEED, NOT CHICKEN FRIED, DAD.
Whoa. Look like peace process break down.

HEY, DAD, HOW COME YOU'RE NOT CHICKEN FARMING?
Me sell ranch to Bob. He say key to cheeken ranch is have axe. Show stoopid cheeken who boss.
Me sell at good time.

HOW'S DAD'S CHICKEN FARM GOING?
NOT GOOD. YOUR FATHER DOESN'T KNOW HOW A CHICKEN RANCHER CATCHES A CHICKEN, SO HE'S USING HIS OWN TECHNIQUE.
WHICH IS WHAT?
Peese jump in magical bucket.

BAD NEWS, SON. YOUR FATHER HAS STARTED A CHICKEN FARM. HE WANTS US TO HAVE OUR OWN SUPPLY OF CHICKEN.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT OWNING A CHICKEN FARM. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A CHICKEN FARMER SHOULD LOOK LIKE.
WHAT'S HE THINK THEY LOOK LIKE?

OH MY GOSH! LOOK! A BEACHED WHALE! WHAT DO WE DO, ZEBRA? WHAT DO WE DO?
I'M AFRAID THERE'S NOT MUCH WE CAN DO, PIG. EVEN LARGE BOATS HAVE TROUBLE DRAGGING WHALES BACK INTO THE SEA.
WHY DO WHALES DO THIS?
NO ONE KNOWS, TIG. THERE ARE THEORIES ABOUT CHASING PREY TOO CLOSE TO SHORE, CIRCULATION PROBLEMS, ILLNESS... BUT THE TRUTH IS WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHAT THEY COME OUT OF THE OCEAN FOR.
WHAT DO YOU COME OUT OF THE OCEAN FOR?
CARAMEL MACCHIATO.
THEY'RE VERY POPULAR DRINKS.
WHOA. I THOUGHT I SAID EXTRA CARAMEL.