Pearls Before Swine | Search

Okay, zeeba, we crocs tired
of help we get from you
mammal frends, so we geet
reptile frends help keel you.
Is you like keeding, man?... Look, Larry
here have beer wid close frend, Paddy
da Poison Tree Veezard.
And Burt here do high-five wid
Manny da Monitor.
And Bob here enjoy man-hug wid
gud frend, Pertey da ____
Some frendssheeps no meant to
last.

I HAVE A NEW PHILOSOPHY THAT I THINK COULD PROMOTE PEACE AND HARMONY IN THE UNIVERSE.
WHAT IS IT?
GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT!!!
THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT EVERYONE SAYING?
NO, NO. ONLY I GET TO SAY IT.

HEWO?
HI, STEPHAN THIS IS JEFF KEANE. I DO THE COMIC "FAMILY CIRCUS"
OH, HI, JEFF. HOW GOES IT?
NOT SO GOOD ACTUALLY. I'M AFRAID ONE OF MY
CHARACTERS, "JEFFY," KEEPS GETTING HIT
IN THE NOSE WITH SUNFLOWER SEEDS.
SUNFLOWER SEEDS? WELL, THAT'S WEIRD...BUT WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?
BET YOU CAN'T HIT HIM IN THE EAR.
WATCH ME.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU THIS MORNING?
I HAD TO GO TO --
RARE IS THE COMICS PAGE BIGFOOT SIGHTING.

HOW'D YOU LIKE TO MAKE THE KIND OF MONEY THAT JIM DAVIS, MULTI-MILLIONAIRE CREATOR OF "GARFIELD," MAKES?
I'D LOVE TO. HE'S SUPER-SUCCESSFUL. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
STEAL HIS IDENTITY.
Please go away.
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO MAKE THE MONEY HE MAKES.
AND IT WOULD BE THE EXACT SAME MONEY!

LOOK AT THIS STORY. THESE LIONS IN KENYA ARE ENDANGERED BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ENOUGH ZEBRAS TO EAT, SO KENYAN WILDLIFE OFFICIALS ARE TRANSPORTING ZEBRAS TO THEM.
SO?
SO WHAT ABOUT THE RIGHTS OF THE ZEBRAS? ARE WE JUST FOOD? DO WE JUST LIVE TO BE SOMEONE'S DINNER? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS?
OOOAAAH... ME FEEL SO ENDANGERED IT NOT EVEN FUNNY.
ME WORSE.
ME WORSE.

NO ROADS LEAD THERE, DO THEY?
HEY, I SAID I WAS CYNICAL.
I WILL FIND A WAY!!

I AM HERE TO WORK ON MY RESUME. I WILL FINISH MY RESUME.

PING!

OOH! AN EMAIL. COULD BE IMPORTANT.

HEY, IT'S GOT A "YOU'RE" LINK. GOTTA WATCH IT.

HAHA. THAT'S GREAT. HEY, THEY'VE GOT MORE LIKE THAT.

I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THIS SHOW. I'LL WIKIPEDIA IT.

WAIT. THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT GUY, BUT WHO'S THAT GIRL? SHE'S HOT.

I'LL 'GOOGLE IMAGE' HER.

OOO... LOOK AT THESE PHOTOS. I'LL POST 'EM ON "FACEBOOK".

HEY, I GOT A FRIEND REQUEST.

WAIT, I DON'T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY.

I SHOULD 'GOOGLE' HIM.

WHOA. HE'S A FREAK.

I'LL WRITE ABOUT HIM ON MY BLOG.

WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT MY BLOG. I SHOULD 'GOOGLE' MYSELF.

NO NO NO... IT'S RESUME TIME... DO RESUME.

PING!

OOH! AN EMAIL.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
WATCHING PBS... THEY’RE GONNA SHOW M.L.K.’S “I HAVE A DREAM” SPEECH.
OH, I LOVE THAT!
YOU DO?
OH, YEAH, THE WAY SHE ANNOYED HER MASTER AND WORE THOSE BIG PUFFY PANTS.
THAT’S “I DREAM OF JEANNIE”.
OH... THIS MUST BE A SPIN-OFF.

EXCUSE ME, STEPH, BUT MAY I USE TODAY'S STRIP TO SEND A KIND MESSAGE TO ALL THE WONDERFUL MANUFACTURERS OF FINE PRODUCTS THAT COME IN NEAT LITTLE ENCASED PLASTIC PACKAGES?
SURE, WHAT?
WE CAN'T &#%@!-ING OPEN THEM!!!
I WOULD'VE USED MY NEW MEGAPHONE, BUT I COULDN'T OPEN THE PACKAGE.

SO DO YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY CHESS, PIG?
OF COURSE I KNOW HOW.
THEN WHY ARE YOU CIRCLING YOUR PIECE AROUND THE BOARD?
BECAUSE BAMBI'S LOOKING FOR HIS MOTHER.
THEY'RE HORSES, NOT DEER, AND MY BISHOP KILLED THE OTHER ONE.
YOU KILLED BAMBI'S MOTHER??!!

WHAT YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
THE TOWEL ROLL O' EVIL. A GIANT PAPER TOWEL ROLL WHERE I KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE BACKSTABBERS AND CONNIVERS WHO HAVE DONE ME WRONG IN LIFE.
BUT NOT EVERYONE IN LIFE IS A BACKSTABBER OR A CONNIVER. SOME PEOPLE ARE LOVING AND HELPFUL. WHERE DO YOU KEEP THEIR NAMES?
THE TOOTSIE ROLL O' KINDNESS.

HELLO. I'M R. RUTHERFORD SHRIMP, FOUNDER OF SHRIMPS FOR A BETTER FUTURE, AND I'M CIRCULATING A PETITION TO BAN THE CONSUMPTION OF SHRIMP ON THE GROUND THAT WE ARE LIVING BEINGS WITH RIGHTS THAT MUST BE RESPECTED.
THEN WHY ON EARTH DO THEY EAT YOU?
SIMPLY BECAUSE WE ARE TASTY.
HE HAD ME UP TO TASTY.

THE NOBEL PRIZE IS A JOKE... I MEAN, WHY THE @#$% DON'T I HAVE ONE YET?
YOU KNOW, RAT, YOUR EGO IS OUT OF CONTROL. YOU EVER HEARD OF HUMILITY?
YES. HUMILITY IS WHAT YOU STRIVE FOR WHEN YOU'VE FAILED AT EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'VE ACHIEVED SOMETHING!!
THAT'S NOT IT.
FINE. YOU'VE STUMPED ME.

HULLOOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBO. LEESTEN. WE CROCS LEERL TIDE YOU ATTREEVEE.
YEAH, WELL, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU TOO.
YEAH, WELL, WE HATE YOU MORE. SO EEDER YOU IS CHANGE OR LARRY HERE WRITE TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT YOU AND YOU STOOOPID FACE.
YEAH, WELL I SUGGEST YOU GET A GHOST WRITER BECAUSE NONE OF YOU CROCS IS SMART ENOUGH TO READ A BOOK, MUCH LESS WRITE A BOOK.
OHHHH, WE NO SMAR ENOUGH, HUH? WELL, DAT EEAXK KIND OF RUDENESS WE IS TALK ABOUT EEN BOOK. RIGHT, LARRY?
BOO.
DAT NO WHAT GHOST WRITER IS, LARRY.
GUD. CAUSE IT HARD TO WRITE WID SHEET ON, HEH BOB.

YOU KNOW, PIG, YOU'RE REALLY STUPID... EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS WRONG.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
EHHH... FORGET ABOUT IT... THAT'S JUST THE BEER TALKING... I BETTER STOP DRINKING AND TAKE OFF... I'LL SEE YA LATER...
DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M STUPID?

AND CAN I
BRING YOU
ANYTHING TO
EAT BEFORE
YOUR PASTA?
YES... I
WOULD LIKE
SOME
ANTIPASTIS.
IT'S "ANTIPASTO", SIR,
NOT "ANTIPASTIS"!
HE KNOWS.
I
APOLOGIZE,
MR.
PASTIS.
WHAT GOOD
IS FOOD IF
IT WON'T
ATTACK YOUR
FRIEND?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I THINK I'D LIKE TO SEND BACK THE PASTA I ORDERED.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
IT'S FIGHTING WITH THE ANTIPASTA.
Die, salami boy.
OH NO YOU DON'T, NOODLE NOSE.
THEY'RE MORTAL ENEMIES.
In your FACE, pasta.

I, THE HONORABLE RAT, JUDGE OF THE UNIVERSE, HEREBY RELEASE MY LIST OF "THE TOP SEVEN THINGS WHOSE APPEAL I DO NOT GET"...
1) PRO WRESTLING
2) CONVERSING WITH PEOPLE
3) OPERA
4) OFFICE BIRTHDAY PARTIES
5) NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER
6) BIRTHDAYS
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING WHOSE APPEAL I DO NOT GET...
THE COMIC STRIP "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE"
YOU MIND?
"PEA BEFORE SWINE?"
I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

ALL RISE. RAT, THE HONORABLE JUDGE OF THE UNIVERSE, IS NOW PRESIDING, WITH A JUDGEMENT ON THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE OF OUR AGE.
WHAT NOW?
I HEREBY DECREE THAT ANYONE GAINING THIRTY OR MORE POUNDS MUST - AND I MEAN MUST - UPDATE THEIR "FACEBOOK" PHOTO.
THAT'S THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE OF OUR AGE ?
IT'S VERY ANNOYING.
WILL THERE BE PRISON TIME INVOLVED?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM NOW THE HONORABLE RAT, JUDGE OF THE UNIVERSE.
YOU? A JUDGE? YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A JUDGE IS.
SURE I DO. EVERYTHING I SAY IS RIGHT. AND IF ANYONE DISAGREES WITH ME, I CAN POUND ‘EM IN THE HEAD WITH MY HAMMER.
IT’S CALLED A GAVEL.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE NEEDS A POUNDING.

Danny Donkey hated people.
So he turned them into beers.
Work got better.
As did church.
As did the neighborhood.
One day, Danny Donkey was approached by Billy E.Hatergh. "Nice job turning people into beers, Danny Donkey, for you will find that by turning all the people into beers, you will be missing what's truly important in life."
Danny Donkey looked at what he had done. And realized she was right.
And turned her into a bag of pretzels.
NOW I REALLY DO HAVE EVERYTHING, EXCLAIMED DANNY.
Please don't turn my characters into pretzels, Poundstone.
OOOH!! CAN I BE A DONUT?

WOW. LOOK AT HER… SHE'S ATTRACTIVE.
I'M SORRY... DID YOU SAY I'M ATTRACTIVE? BECAUSE I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.
WHOA. IF YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE, YOU CAN'T BE THAT ATTRACTIVE.
NOW I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.
NOW I FIND MYSELF CONFUSED.
NOW I FIND MYSELF ANOTHER BARSTOOL.

PIG, WHY DID YOU BUILD A FORT OUT OF MY JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH ALBUMS?
SHHH...I'M TRYING TO THINK, BUT THEY'RE RIGHT. IT'S NOT
WORKING...LET ME STEP OUTSIDE.
WHO'S RIGHT? ABOUT WHAT?
THOSE WHO SAY IT'S BEST TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BACHS.
I, FOR ONE, AM ROOTING FOR YOUR UNTIMELY DEATH.

DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL FOR A CARTOONIST TO MENTION A BRAND NAME PRODUCT IN HIS COMIC STRIP IN HOPES THAT THE COMPANY WOULD SHIP HIM FREE SAMPLES?
WELL, MAYBE NOT ILLEGAL, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY...
SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER!
...UNETHICAL.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE STANDING BY THE MAILBOX.