Pearls Before Swine | Search

ALRIGHT, YOU IDIOTS, SINCE YOU'RE THE ONES THAT TOOK OUT DILBERT, YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE ONES TO BREAK THE NEWS TO THE OTHER DILBERT CHARACTERS.
I DON'T KNOW...JUST GET 'EM ALL TOGETHER IN A CONFERENCE ROOM, TELL THEM DILBERT'S PASSED AWAY, AND DEAL WITH THEIR REACTION.
BUT WHAT WILL THEY SAY?
DOES THIS MEAN WE CAN LEAVE EARLY?

RATS SCHEME TO TAKE OUT THE "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE" EDITOR
Hello?
HELLO, SIR. IT'S ME, GUARD DUCK...LISTEN, OUR PLAN HIT A LITTLE SNAG...
WHAT KIND OF SNAG?
WELL, SIR, WE GOT TO THE OFFICE OF YOUR "UNITED FEATURE SYNDICATE", AND WE LOOKED AROUND FOR YOUR EDITOR, BUT... WELL...I THINK WE PUMMELED THE WRONG GUY.
WHO THE @#*% DID YOU PUMMEL ?!?
YOU TELL HIM.

DO YOUR COMICS GET REVIEWED BY SOMEONE AT YOUR SYNDICATE?
YEAH, MY EDITOR, REED JACKSON. HE LOOKS AT EVERYTHING I SEND IN AND MAKES SURE THEY'RE APPROPRIATE FOR NEWSPAPERS.
SO, IN THEORY, IF THERE WERE NO REED, ONE COULD DO WHATEVER ONE WANTED IN THIS COMIC?
I GUESS SO. WHY?
AND WHACK HIM GOOD. EDITORS HAVE HARD HEADS.

I'VE CONCLUDED THAT THE WORLD WOULD BE A MUCH BETTER PLACE IF WE'D ALL BE A LITTLE LESS SELFISH AND JUST START TREATING EACH OTHER BETTER.

GOOD FOR YOU, RAT... SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
WAIT FOR THE WORLD TO START TREATING ME BETTER.
OF COURSE.
I'M OWED, BABY...
I'M OWED!

OKAY, RAT, I'M REALLY GETTING SICK OF YOUR STUPID 'COOL FENCE.'
SO SAYETH THE NERD.
OH, PLEASE. THAT IS SO RIDICULOUSLY JUVENILE. WHAT DO YOU THINK, THAT YOU GET MORE GIRLS BECAUSE YOU STAND BEHIND A 'COOL FENCE'?
OH, NO. FOR THAT, I DO A LOT OF SUDOKU PUZZLES AND DRIVE A FOUR-CYLINDER HONDA CIVIC.
OKAY, NOW I KNOW THAT HURTS.
HERE'S A STICK, NERD. GO FIGHT OFF ALL THOSE BABES.

HEY, GOAT, WANNA COME TO MY PARTY I FIGURE IF WE'RE ALL GONNA BE LABLED "UNCool," WE CAN AT LEAST COME TOGETHER FOR SOME GOOD MUSIC AND MUNCHIES.
WOW, NOW THAT'S THE SPIRT, PIG WE CAN HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER!
CALL IT NERDAPAlooza!
I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
HEY, IT DOES MAKE A NICE SHIRT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M STANDING BEHIND THE COOL FENGE.
YOU SHOULD BEHIND THE UNCOOL FENCE.
THAT IS SO JUVENILE... THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A "COOL FENGE" AND AN "UNCOOL FENCE".
YES, THERE IS. I'M BEHIND IT.
PIG, YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT HIS CLASSIFICATION.
BUT IT'S TRUE.
NO! DON'T YOU GET IT, PIG? RAT DOES THIS BECAUSE HE'S INSECURE. DON'T BUY INTO THAT!
BUT I'M COOL!!
YES YOU ARE!
NO, YOU'RE NOT!
YES YOU ARE!
NO, I'M NOT!
STOP FIGHTING, NERDS!
COOL
SEE?
I'M GONNA CLIMB THAT FENGE AND --
HEY HEY! DON'T YOU NERDY MY FENGE.

HULLOOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA...
LEESTEN. Mebbe you hear crocs ask zeeba last week.
DON'T TALK TO ME. THAT WAS MY COUSIN NICKY. AND YOU KNOW THAT.
Well, leestan...Mebbe you help us eemprove by filling out customer satisfaction form. See, it ask, "Was crocs courteous during keeling?", "Was we puncutal?", "Deed we eet you frend een professional manner?"
Oh, and juss for parteecipating een survey, you get special prize.
Mebbe zeeba meat not gud special prize.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M STANDING BEHIND THE UNCOOL FENCE.
THE UNCOOL FENCE? WHAT THE ... WHY??
BECAUSE THE COOL PEOPLE DON'T WANT ME BEHIND THEIR FENCE.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
Uncool
COOL
GREETINGS, NERD.

HEY GOAT, HAVE YOU MET MY
NEW ARTIST FRIENDS, TIMMY
AND JIMMY MARSHMALLOW? TIMMY FOLLOWS HIS ARTISTIC
VISION ABOVE ALL ELSE. JIMMY
WANTS THEIR WORK TO BE
COMMERCIALLY POPULAR.
WHAT'S JIMMY
DO WHEN
THEIR
VISIONS
COLLIDE?
KER-SPLAT
IT'S NOT PRETTY.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIENDS, TIMMY AND JIMMY, THE ARTISTIC MARSHMALLOWS. TIMMY FOLLOWS HIS ARTISTIC VISION. JIMMY'S A BIT MORE COMMERCIAL.
WHICH ONE'S WHICH?
MONEY
MONEY
MONEY
MONEY
MONEY
MONEY
I THINK THAT'S JIMMY.

Who at front door?
SOME RELIGIOUS FOLK SAYING "GOD LOVES US". THEY WANTED TO KNOW IF THEY COULD COME INSIDE AND TALK TO US.
HA! DEY REALLY TINK DERE IS PEOPLE WHO WOULD LET DEM IN HOUSE JUSS 'CAUSE DEY SAY "GOD LOVE YOU"?
YEAH. LOTS. WHY?
God love you.

WHATSA MATTER WITH YOU?
THIS WOMAN'S COMPLAINING TO HER WISCONSIN PAPER ABOUT "PEARLS".
ABOUT "PEARLS"? HA!
HOW CAN ANYONE COMPLAIN ABOUT US WHEN THE BIGGEST SCANDAL IN COMIC STRIP
HISTORY IS BEING PERPETRATED
RIGHT UNDER HER VERY NOSE???
AND WHAT IS THAT?
ZIGGY'S GOT NO #$@i%* PANTS!
SAYS THE PANTLESS RAT..
SHHHH
DON'T DRAW ATTENTION TO IT.

IT WAS SO NICE OF GOAT TO INVITE YOU FOR A DINNER PARTY. SHOULD WE PLAY A GAME?
YEAH. I GOT ONE. IT'S CALLED 'DO THE BUSH.'
WHAT IS THAT?
YOU INITIATE GEORGE W. BUSH BY SQUINTING YOUR EYES AND MUMBLING BUSH-ESQUE THINGS...LIKE... 'WE'RE GONNA SMOKE 'EM OUT.'
AHEM...DOOK.
OH, AND THEN YOU SUBMIT TO A BODY SEARCH.
I'M NOT DOING THAT.
IMAITATIONS.
C'MON, DUDE. MIM 'OKAY. GUYS, HAM'S ALMOST READY.DO YOU WANT PINEAPPLE SLICES IN THE HAM?
YEAH, BUT WHY DO YOU THAT TRICK?
HEY, HEY, BEFORE YOU DO THAT, THE DEA'S GONNA HAVE TO SEARCH YOUR BAG FOR ILLEGAL PINEAPPLE SLICES. CAUSE YOU CAN'T 'DOING THE BUSH.'
OH, YOU A RE FUN.
THE SLICES WON'T FIT ANYWAY.
OH NO...I CAN'T...IT'S
C'MON, DUDE, YOU HAVE TO DO IT NOW.
WHY?
BECAUSE A BERT IN THE HAM IS WORTH DOIN' THE BUSH.
PIG HAS ME LAY OUT THE SLICES IN THE HAM IN THE SHAPE OF HIS FAVORITE
'SESAME

DID THE WRITERS OF THE U.S. CONSTITUTION HAVE TO MAKE IT MORE APPEALING TO RATS BEFORE THE STATES WOULD AGREE TO IT?
NO.
SO THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO ADD IN SPECIAL PROVISIONS THAT ONLY RATS WANTED?
NO.
THAT IS NOT WHAT RATIFY MEANS.
OH? THEN WHY WASN'T IT PIGIFIED?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, L'IL GUARD DUCK?
REDEPLOYING, SIR. THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S STABILIZED... I'VE GIVEN THEM THEIR FREEDOM. NOW IT'S UP TO THEM TO USE IT WISELY.
THAT MUST BE WHY NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE DECIDED TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE HOT PINK.
A SOLDIER'S WORK IS NEVER DONE, SIR.
YOU'RE DESTABILIZING THE REGION, NEIGHBOR BOB!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, L’IL GUARD DUCK?
CHECKING MY AD ON CRAIGSLIST, SIR. I’M THINKING ABOUT QUITTING THE MILITARY AND GETTING A CIVILIAN JOB. BUT NO ONE’S RESPONDED TO MY AD YET, SIR, AND I DON’T KNOW WHY.
Violent, emotionally-unstable duck with rocket-propelled grenade launcher seeks desk job, preferably around other people.
PERHAPS THEY’RE ANTI-DUCK.

KIKO, THE HUG-STARVED LONELY CACTUS
I MADE SOMEONE'S DAY.

KIKO, THE LONELY CACTUS
YOU KNOW, KIKO, NOT ONLY DOES NO ONE WANT TO HUG A CACTUS. BUT NO ONE WANTS TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO PROJECTS NEED. DO YOU THINK THAT'S PART OF YOUR PROBLEM?
HUG ME!!
NO.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
KIKO, THE LONELY CACTUS. HE'S SAD BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HUG HIM.
OF COURSE THEY WON'T HUG HIM. HE'S GOT BIG, SHARP SPIKES THAT WILL STAB WHOEVER HE TOUCHES.
I TOLD YOU PERSONALITY COUNTS FOR NOTHING.

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?
MOPED MONKEY. I ORDERED IT FROM THE "MONKEY IN A BOX" CATALOG.
WHY DO WE WANT A STUPID MONKEY?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S SO DOWN THESE DAYS. I THOUGHT, WHAT BETTER WAY TO CHEER US ALL UP THAN A CUTE LIL' MONKEY ON A MOPED?
LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! THERE HE IS! HULLO, LITLE MONKEY GWINKY! WHERE'S YOUR MOPED, LIL' MONKEY GWINKY?
MOPED? I DON'T HAVE A MOPED. I DON'T HAVE SQUAT. MY WHOLE LIFE IS ******.
DUDE, YOU DIDN'T ORDER "MOPED MONKEY." YOU ORDERED "MOPEY MONKEY."
WELL NOW, HE'S NOT AS FUN.
HEY, BUY ME THE MOPED. I'LL DRIVE IT OFF A CLIFF.
ACME MOPED? WHAT'D YOU GOT THERE?

Dear Pixar,
I notice you like to make
movies about sympathetic
main characters you can
root for. Well, I think I've
got one for you.
Tipsy, the alcoholic
petting zoo deer
who bites the hands
off of bad kids.
I'VE GOT A REAL KNACK FOR
FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
EXERCISING.
YOU'RE NOT MOVING.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. BUT IT TURNS OUT THE WORLD IS ROTATING TO THE EAST, AND I HAVEN'T SLID BACK TOWARD THE COFFEE TABLE, SO I MUST BE MOVING.
I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU'RE NOT LOSING WEIGHT.
HANG ON. I'VE EARNED ANOTHER DONUT BREAK.

IF YOU LOVE A WOMAN, AND YOU THINK SHE OWES YOU, SHOULD YOU CUT OFF THE RELATIONSHIP JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A POOR LETTER WRITER?
NO. I DON'T THINK SO. DO YOU WRITE NICE LETTERS TO HER?
OH, YES. IN MY LAST LETTER, I SAID, 'I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU.'
AND WHAT DID SHE WRITE BACK?
'HEALTHY TEETH NEED REGULAR CLEANING.'
ARE ALL DENTISTS THIS UNROMANTIC?

HOW'S YOUR BAND GOING, RAT?
I DID SOME RESEARCH. I FOUND THAT ALL GREAT BANDS HAVE DEAD DRUMMERS... THE WHO... LED ZEPPELIN... YOU GET THE IDEA.
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS IF JOHNNY MIGRAINE AND THE BIG DOGS O' DOOM ARE GONNA BE GREAT, WE GOTTA START WITH A DEAD DRUMMER.
WHICH IS NOT REALLY THE TOUR EXPERIENCE I HAD IN MIND.
BONGO! WE DON'T TALK!