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WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME AN ASCETIC MONK. I RENOUNCE ALL THE TRAPPINGS OF THIS WORLD. I SHALL HENCEFORTH LIVE IN THE FOREST.
HOW WILL I EAT?
I SHALL EAT WHAT THE FOREST PROVIDES. I THINK I'VE SEEN ENOUGH BEAR GRYLLS' "MAN VS. WILD" ON DISCOVERY TO MAKE THAT POSSIBLE.
BUT YOU'RE SOBER!
NO, FOR IF IT COMES RIGHT DOWN TO IT, I SHALL CALL THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
I CAN WITH MY iPHONE.
OH, AND I SUPPOSE YOU'RE GONNA SAY I CAN'T BRING MY `Xbox' OR THIS KEG OF BEER EITHER.
THEN HOW WILL I ENTERTAIN MY DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADER?
I GIVE UP.
YOUR FRIEND IS QUITE THE BUZZ-KILLER.
WE SHALL PRAY FOR HIM.

HI, GOAT. I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY PAL, CHI CHI THE CHEETAH.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?
HE HATES HIS LIFE. HE HATES HIS BODY. HE HATES GETTING UP IN THE MORNING.
WHAT'S HE DO FOR A LIVING?
HE'S A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
STUPID JOB...

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
I WAS DRIVING DOWNTOWN AND I HIT A PARKED CAR.
OHMYGAND. DID YOU LEAVE A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD?
OF COURSE I LEFT A NOTE ON THEIR WINDSHIELD.
WHAT'D IT SAY?
IT SAID, 'DUDE, YOUR CAR IS MESSED UP.'
SOME PEOPLE LEAVE PHONE NUMBERS.
I PREFER TO SHOW EMPATHY.

LISTEN, BLACKBEARD, I'M VERY SORRY,
BUT I'M NOT HAPPY WITH HOW YOU'VE
TREATED MY CLOTHES, SO I'VE CONTACTED
MY LOCAL NEWS STATION'S 'SEVEN ON
YOUR SIDE' CONSUMER REPORTER AND
ASKED THAT HE SPEAK WITH YOU.
ARRRRRR
HOW DID IT GO?

LISTEN, BLACKBEARD, I NEED TO PICK UP MY SUIT EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVEN'T CLEANED IT YET. IT WAS REALLY EXPENSIVE, AND NO OFFENSE, BUT I'D HATE FOR ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO IT.
ARRRR
YOU HAVE MY SUIT BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL ME WHERE IT IS? THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND IT?
ARRRR
LONG STORY.

DUDE, THERE'S TOO MUCH STARCH IN MY SHIRT. TAKE IT BACK TO THE DRY CLEANER AND COMPLAIN.
I DON'T WANT TO. MY DRY CLEANER'S A PIRATE.
DUDE. IT'S A COMPLAINT. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
IT'S A BIG DEAL.

EXCUSE ME, BUT I'D LIKE TO PICK UP MY SHIRT PLEASE...
OH NO... THERE'S A BIG RIP IN IT, JUST LIKE WITH THE SHIRT I GAVE YOU LAST WEEK.
Arrrgh.
PIRATES MAKE LOUSY DRY CLEANERS.

WHAT'S WITH THE DISCUS?
I'VE STARTED COMPETING IN MEETS. TURNS OUT WHEN I PUT ALL MY WEIGHT INTO IT, I CAN THROW IT FAR.
YOU WON ANYTHING YET?
ALMOST. YESTERDAY I THREW IT SUPER FAR, BUT THIS OTHER COMPETITOR NAMED GUS GOT MY THROW ERASED.
HOW'D HE DO THAT?
WELL, HE WAS REALLY UPSET BECAUSE HE SAID MY THROW GOT LIFTED BY A BURST OF WIND, SO HE WENT TO THE TRACK OFFICIALS.
AND WHAT DID HE SAY?
THIS GUS DISCUSSED HIS DISGUST WITH THIS GUST ON THE DISCUS.
YOU ARE WHY NEWSPAPERS ARE FAILING.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
MOMSICLES. THEY'RE LIKE POPSICLES, BUT EACH ONE HAS A LITTLE MESSAGE FROM YOUR MOM WRITTEN ON THE STICK. HERE... LET'S SEE WHAT THIS ONE SAYS.
"PIG, WHEN YOU WERE BORN, I HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES FOR YOU. BUT THEN, BECAUSE OF CHOICES YOU MADE, YOUR LIFE SPUN DOWN THE PROVERBIAL TOILET BOWL. OH, WELL... GOOD THING YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO OLD MOM... YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE ACHIEVED SOMETHING."
MOM CAN WRITE SMAW.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT
"MOMSICLES" THE NEW FROZEN TREAT INVENTED BY ME
AREN'T THEY JUST "POPSICLES"
NO, BECAUSE AFTER YOU FINISH A "MOMSICLE" THERE'S A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM YOUR MOM PRINTED ON EVERY STICK. HERE, LOOK...
YOU'RE A PROFOUND DISAPPOINTMENT.
I LIKE "POPSICLES" BETTER.
MAYBE I SHOULD CALL THEM "GUILTSICLES."

I HAVE TROUBLE OPENING CONVERSATIONS WITH PRETTY GIRLS.
BUY A BOOK ON GREETINGS AND MEMORIZE THEM.
WHAT KIND OF GREETINGS?
I DON'T KNOW... JUST WELL-KNOWN GREETINGS.
DR. LIVINGSTONE, I PRESUME.

Another method of intimidating your foe is through the use of visual propaganda, such as that used by the regimes of Stalin, Mao and Saddam Hussein.
For example, saturation of the country with portraits of the ruler is a visual reminder to the populace that they are being watched by the ever-present eyes of someone more powerful than them, to whose will they should submit.
WHY’RE YOU SHOWING ME YOUR FIFTH GRADE PHOTO, LARRY?
Shut mouth. Be intimidated.
Wow. You was brace-face loser, Larry.

One way to intimidate your enemy is to learn and exploit one of his childhood fears.
For some, that fear is born of a childhood dog bite.
For others, a neighborhood bully.
And for still others, a bad experience at the circus.
FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT AFRAID OF “GIANT CLOWN HEAD”.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
I'VE WRITTEN A BOOK AND I'M HERE SIGNING COPIES... COME CELEBRATE THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF A FRIEND AND GET YOUR OWN SIGNED COPY.
YOU'RE REALLY HOLDING UP THE LINE.

HI, OFFICER... THANKS FOR COMING... LISTEN, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAS BROKEN INTO OUR HOUSE AND SMASHED ALL OUR STUFF WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER OR SOMETHING.
ANY IDEA WHO?
I DID IT, OFFICER. I CONFESS.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M PROFESSOR.
WELL, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
I HAVE TENURE.
NOTHING WE CAN DO, BOYS.
CURSE YOU, TENURED PROFESSOR GUY!!
IN-YOUR-FACE! IN-YOUR-FACE!!

LOOK AT THIS LIST OF ENDANGERED SPECIES AROUND THE WORLD, DAD...IT'S SO SAD.
OH, SON. WHO CARE? ANEEMAL COME, ANEEMAL GO.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, DAD? WE HAVE ALL THESE SPECIES QUICKLY DISAPPEARING...AREN'T THERE ANY ANIMALS YOU'D MISS IF THEY WERE GONE?
UNEECORN.
THEY DON'T EXIST.
WHOA. ME MISS DEM ALREDDY.

LISTEN TO ME, PIG... STUPIDITY IS NOT CONTAGIOUS AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A MASK JUST BECAUSE RAT TOLD YOU TO.
BUT I MIGHT SNEEZE AND GET THE 'STUPID' BUG ON YOU.
PIG... YOU ARE NOT STUPID. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO DIGNITY AND RESPECT, AS IS EVERY LIVING BEING ON THIS EARTH.
WHOA. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S CAUGHT THE 'STUPID' BUG.
QUICK, GOAT, WEAR A MASK!

HEY THERE, PIG.. WHY YOU WEARING A MASK?
RAT MADE ME.
WHAT FOR?
HE SAYS STUPIDITY CAN BE CONTAGIOUS.
IT'S A GLOBAL EPIDEMIC.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM RIPPING YOU ON YOUR "STEPHAN PASTIS" FACEBOOK PAGE. THEN I AM RIPPING YOU ON YOUR BLOG. THEN I AM RIPPING YOU ON MY FAVORITEST WEB SITE EVER, THE COMICS CURMUDGEON.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT IS FUN. AND BECAUSE THE INTERNET WAS SPECIFICALLY INVENTED SO THAT LIVING BEINGS EVERYWHERE COULD BE ANONYMOUSLY RUDE TO ONE ANOTHER.

CS MESSAGE BOARD
yo, fan221... CAN YOU ALL PLS
u a moron or what? SHUT THE #$*% UP NOW??
No one cares what u think, dude
HEY IDIOT!
WAKE UP
BLOG COMMENTS
Seriously, bro, you take yourself far too seriously
wa
SHUT
SHUT THE
IDIOT!
wa do you
U a total
moron or what
SHUT
Hey...
idiot!
Just shut up
and

GOSH
like you, but
wa
on whether
JERK
SHUT
THE #$*%
Blog comments SHUT
IDIOT
WAKE UP IDIOT
SHUT THE
JERK.SHUT...SHUT...MORON...SHUT... SHUT...SHUT IDIOT...
SHUT...CAN
U WONY
PARTIES
HOUSES BEEN LIVING HEY
can you all
SHUT THE K enjoy the
on whether
K JERK
U can
shut up do u think
Wonder...COMMENTS or shut...wa
you MAK
OR U a
SHUT shut
SHUT THE
just wa on
CAN
IDIOT kwoke
wa kwoke wa
can you all
COMMENTS
or shut U SHUT
HEY
ID
wa Do U
MAK up
SHUT just shut IDIO...SHUT ...u think

HEY THERE, PIG,
WHATCHA DOIN'?
I'VE DECIDED THAT THE
INTERNET IS A BAD PLACE.
EVERYBODY'S MEAN.
SO I'VE CREATED MY
'INTERNET HAPPY BOX.'
WHAT
DOES
IT DO?
WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE THE
INTERNET, ONLY IT'S NOT
HOOKED UP TO ANYTHING
AND YOU CAN'T COMMUNICATE
WITH ANYONE AND IT'S DARK.
I DON'T
THINK THAT'S
REALLY
LIKE THE
INTERNET,
PIG.
WAIT 'TIL I
POST ABOUT
THIS ON THE
MESSAGE BOARDS.
INTERNET
HAPPY
BOX!
INTERNET
HAPPY
BOX!

WHAT ARE YOU RAT?!
THIS NEWSPAPER'S DROPPING THE COMIC "PEARLS."
THEY WANTED ME TO GIVE ONE LAST MESSAGE TO THE READERS
ARRRGH!! IT'S BAD ENOUGH PEARLS DIES 'CAUSE THE NEW BOSS HATES IT, BUT YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORSE BY GIVING IT A 'PITY FINAL STRIP'
YES.
NOW VOTE ON IT AND ENJOY THE FEATURE
THEN WHY NOT DEPTH
OH, AND WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH IT??
WELL, YOU LISTEN, SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM...
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, YOU ARE NOT CLEVER, YOU ARE UGLY AND YOU SMELL A LITTLE BIT.
WHEN IT COMES WHAT 'GIVEN' WAS TO FILM, WHAT 'FUDGE' PRINT WAS TO CARS... IF YOU WERE A 'BACKSTREET' BOY, YOU'D BE THE ONE WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER.
ANYTHING ELSE?
YES I WOULD LIKE TO BE TRANSFERED TO 'PEARLS' WRITER-HAT... WRITING COMIC, AT LEAST BEING CARP PREDICTION
OH, AND YOU THINK YOU'D FIT IN?
OF COURSE I'D FIT IN. WHY WOULDN'T I FIT IN?
THERE'S NO DRINKING IN 'ZIGGY.'
WHAT THE @#%& IS 'ZIGGY'?

I THINK THE ONLY REASON WE ALL HAVE OUR VARIOUS NEUROSES IS THAT WE ALREADY HAVE OUR BASIC NEEDS OF FOOD, WATER AND SECURITY FULFILLED.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT PEOPLE CHASED BY HUNGRY PREDATORS DON'T WORRY ABOUT INNER PEACE.
I MUST BE THE HAPPIEST @#$%*!! GUY ALIVE.
LUCKY!
Hey... Me a bee anty-deepressant.

HI. HOW MUCH FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?
THREE DOLLARS.
THREE DOLLARS? IS THAT JUST FOR ONE CUP OR DO YOU SERVE IT BOTTOMLESS?
BOTTOM-LESS.
COFFEE?
MAYBE I'LL SKIP THE COFFEE.
FINE. I'LL TAKE OFF THE SHIRT, TOO. HAPPY, PAL?

THANKS FOR LETTING ME WATCH YOUR T.V. WHILE MINE IS BEING FIXED, GOAT.
NO PROBLEM, PIG. I HAVE TO RUN ERRANDS TODAY ANYWAYS.
ALRIGHT, SO THIS REMOTE TURNS THE T.V. ON AND OFF. THIS ONE'S FOR THE VOLUME. THIS ONE'S FOR THE CABLE BOX. THIS ONE'S FOR THE STEREO RECEIVER. AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE DVD PLAYER. ANYHOW, HAVE FUN.