Pearls Before Swine | Search

AND WE GO NOW TO OUR THIRD
CONTESTANT, LARRY, FROM THE
COMIC STRIP "PEARLS BEFORE
SWINE"...WHAT CHARITY ARE YOU
PLAYING FOR TODAY?
Huh..?
IT'S 'CELEBRITY
JEOPARDY'...YOUR
WINNINGS GO TO
A CHARITY.
@#$#@ you.
Me keeping
every dime.
CAN I SEE
THE PRODUCER
PLEASE?
Hey...Ees
you hair
real?

MOM, HAS DAD EVER EMBARRASSED YOU SO MUCH YOU'RE BEEN TEMPTED TO GIVE IT ALL UP AND FLEE YOUR OWN FAMILY?
OF COURSE. BUT BEING A FAMILY MEANS STICKING TOGETHER... WHY?
HE'S ON "JEOPARDY."
GOODBYE, SON.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?
CELEBRITY JEOPARDY.
OH, GOODY! WHO'S ON IT?
SOMEBODY FROM THE SHOW 'WEEDS,' SOME GUY FROM 'DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES' AND......... OH, MY.
MEE NO KAN SPEL NAME

DUDE, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. MAKE HER GO TO THE AFTERLIFE ALREADY.
CATHY, FLY TO THE LIGHT. FLYYY TO THE LIIIGHT.
DUDE, KEEP GOING. TOWARD THE LIGHT.
DUDE, LOOK. SHE'S LEAVING... SHE'S FLYING UP... TOWARD... THE...
GUYS! LISTEN! I'D LIKE TO DO A REALLY NICE TRIBUTE TO CATHY GUISWITE. AT A TIME WHEN MOST RETIRING CARTOONISTS CHOOSE TO RUN REPEATS, PENSION OFF THEIR CHARACTERS, OR SELL THEIR STRIPS TO MATTEL, SHE DID THE GREATEST THING BY TRYING AND GIVING-
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW, DO I?
NOPE.
ZAP
USING THE BUG ZAPPER.
AACKKK.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
TRYING TO GET CATHY'S SOUL OUT OF OUR DINER. I GUESS EVER SINCE SHE WENT TO THE COMIC STRIP AFTERLIFE, SHE KNOWS SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CALORIES.
SO SHE'S JUST EATING?
YEAH. BECAUSE SPIRITS CAN'T GAIN WEIGHT, RIGHT?
MORE CHEESECAKE, PLEASE.
WE NEED TO TALK.
MACY'S HAVE I GOT A BALLOON FLOAT FOR YOU!

WHAT THE @#%* IS THAT?
IT'S CATHY'S SOUL... IT SHOWED UP WHEN SHE RETIRED FROM THE COMICS. I THINK IT GOT LOST ON ITS WAY TO THE COMICS AFTERLIFE.
WELL I DON'T WANT IT IN OUR DINER. IT'S CREEPY. MAKE IT GO TO HEAVEN OR SOMETHING.
RUN TO THE LIGHT, CATHY!!... RUUUUN TO THE LIIIGHT!
HEY! IT'S WORKING! SHE'S LEAVING! SHE'S LEAVING! SHE'S...
...STOPPING FOR CHEESECAKE.
THINK OF THE CALORIES! THE CALORIES!
GHOST MOM. NOT A WORRY.

WHEN A COMIC STRIP CHARACTER RETIRES, DOES THEIR SOUL LIVE ON IN THE AFTERLIFE?
OF COURSE NOT, YOU STUPID PIG. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK?
NO REASON.

I'M GONNA START APOLOGIZING TO ALL THE PEOPLE I'VE INSULTED BY TELLING THEM, "I'M SORRY THAT YOU WERE OFFENDED."
IS THAT A REAL APOLOGY?
NO. THAT'S WHAT'S SO GREAT. IT ALLOWS ME TO RETAIN THE IMPACT OF THE ORIGINAL INSULT WHILE TACKING ON THE IMPLIED BONUS INSULT OF, "YOU'RE AN OVERSENSITIVE NINNY."
BUT THAT'S KINDA RUDE 'CAUSE IT'S SORTA SAYING THE GUY IS TOO DUMB TO REALIZE THAT.
I'M SORRY THAT YOU WERE OFFENDED.
APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
"FAHRENHEIT 451." IT'S THIS SCIENCE
FICTION NOVEL ABOUT A HEGEMONISTIC,
ANTI-INTELLECTUAL SOCIETY WHERE
NOBODY CAN OWN ANY BOOKS,
SO NOBODY READS. INSTEAD,
EVERYONE JUST SITS AROUND
WATCHING INTERACTIVE WALL-SIZE TV'S
YOU JUST DESCRIBED MY
LIVING ROOM.
WELL, IT
USED TO
BE SCIENCE
FICTION.
HEY, THEIR
TV'S
AREN'T BIGGER
THAN MINE,
ARE THEY?

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, RAT?
PLAYING TIMMY THE HOUSEFLY IN DARTS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE GUY'S PROBLEM IS, BUT THE IDIOT KEEPS MISSING THE BOARD.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS VERY HARD WITH COMPOUND EYES.
THROW THE DART, EXCUSE BOY.

DELTASOUTH AIRLINES, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH. I’D LIKE A FLIGHT FROM L.A. TO CHICAGO.
THAT WILL BE $195.
FINE. I’LL TAKE IT.
WILL YOU BE CHECKING ANY LUGGAGE?
YEAH. ONE BAG.
THAT’LL BE AN EXTRA $25.
FOR WHAT?
BAGGAGE FEE.
BAGGAGE FEE??
HOW RIDICULOUS.
SORRY, SIR. AND HOW MUCH DOES YOUR LUGGAGE WEIGH?
I DUNNO, 50 POUNDS OR SO.
THAT’S AN EXTRA $75. YOU’RE KIDDING.
NO.
SO $195 PLUS $25 PLUS $75? MY GOD… THAT’S… I’M SORRY, WHAT DID YOU SAY THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU WOULD CHARGE FOR THIS STUPID CHAIR??
$295.
YES… $295… THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I THOUGHT THE FIRST TIME. NO NEED TO TALK TO ME LIKE I’M A MORON. JUST GIVE ME ONE MORE QUESTION.
WHAT??
WILL YOU BE WANTING ANY WINGS?
NO. NO WINGS ON A PLANE.
WELL, THE CHICKEN WINGS I’LL BE EATING ARE EXTRA.
AAAAUUGGGHHHH!!!!!!
IF IT’S ANY HELP, OUR PLANES WITH WINGS FLY SOOOO MUCH

DID YOU KNOW THAT MOST OF WHAT YOU CALL YOUR SENSE OF TASTE IS ACTUALLY JUST YOUR SENSE OF SMELL?
SO IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE, YOU'D FIND ALMOST ALL FOOD BLAND?
YEAH. NOT TO MENTION THAT IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A NOSE, YOU'D HAVE TO BREATHE ENTIRELY THROUGH YOUR MOUTH, WHICH WOULD MAKE EATING A VERY DIFFICULT PROCESS.
AND STILL, SHE HAS TROUBLE DIETING.
A TRUE FREAK OF NATURE.

Hey, Larry, me hear you keeling crocs to sell dere skin.
Yeah, but me only do when me need monies to pay for someting eemportant.
Me got late fees at video store.

EXCUSE ME, BUT COULD YOU
DO ME A SOLID AND PASS
THE KETCHUP?
I'M SORRY, BUT DID
YOU JUST USE THE
EXPRESSION, 'DO ME A
SOLID'?
YEAH. WHY?
WHACK
THERE ARE
BETTER WAYS
TO HANDLE
EXPRESSIONS
YOU DON'T
LIKE.
NO
THERE'S
NOT.
WELL...YOU
DID
GIVE
HIM A
SOLID.

THANKS FOR COMING TO CHURCH WITH ME, PIG… I KNOW IT'S A PAIN TO PUT ON A SUIT ON SUNDAY MORNINGS.
OH, I DON'T MIND, ZEBRA. IT'S NICE TO GO SOME PLACE WHERE EVERYONE STILL DRESSES UP.
THIS MIGHT BE A GOOD PLACE FOR A SHIRT, SHIRTLESS SEAN.
WITH THESE GUNS?... GOD WILL FORGIVE ME.

HEY RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIEND, SEAN.
WHY'S HIS SHIRT OFF?
BECAUSE SEAN WORKS OUT EVERY DAY AND THUS NEEDS BUT THE FLIMISIST OF EXCUSES TO REMOVE HIS SHIRT IN PUBLIC SETTINGS.
WE'RE IN A RESTAURANT.
HELPS ME DIGEST.
WHOA WHOA WHOA, SEAN, KEEP ON THE PANTS.

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT
TO BE NON-
JUDGMENTAL?
BECAUSE NOBODY
IS PERFECT, SO
TO JUDGE OTHERS
IS TO INVITE
JUDGMENT UPON
OURSELVES.
SO NOBODY SHOULD
JUDGE ANYBODY
BECAUSE WE ALL
HAVE FLAWS AND
THUS ARE NOT IN
A POSITION TO
JUDGE OTHERS.
EXACTLY.
THEN WHO TELLS
THE IDIOTS
THEY'RE IDIOTS?
YOU MIGHT
BE MISSING
THE POINT.
IT'S A
PUBLIC
SERVICE
I PERFORM!

WHAT THE @#$% DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?
PAINTING YOUR HOUSE, NEIGHBOR BOB. SIR.
WHY?!
IT'S NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROVEMENT DAY. WE ALL PITCH IN TO PICK UP TRASH, MOW LAWNS, THAT SORT OF STUFF. I VOLUNTEERED TO PAINT YOUR HOUSE.
WHY WOULD YOU HELP ME? ALL YOU'VE EVER DONE IS COMPLAIN ABOUT THE CARS ON MY LAWN AND MY NOT MOWING THE GRASS AND MY 'LOUD' PARTIES.
YESSIR. BUT THAT'S ALL BEHIND US NOW, SIR. I'M WILLING TO MAKE A FRESH START.
FINE. BUT IF WE'RE GONNA HAVE A FRESH START, YOU BETTER DO A THOROUGH JOB.
THOROUGH IT IS, SIR. YOU'LL BE MY CREAM.
BE THOROUGH.

HEY, RAT...
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY
FRIEND, FOOFY THE
FLYING FISH.
FLYING FISH CAN'T REALLY
FLY. THEY'RE JUST CALLED
THAT BECAUSE THEY LEAP
OUT OF THE WATER, GIVING
THE ILLUSION OF FLIGHT.
FOOFY DIDN'T NEED TO
KNOW THAT.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY VUVUZELA? IT'S THAT OBNOXIOUS HORN BLOWN BY ALL THOSE FANS DURING THE WORLD CUP.
WHY'D YOU BRING IT HERE?
BRRRRFFFF
CELL PHONE BLABBERS BEWARE.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE WEALTH OF THE TOP ONE PERCENT OF AMERICANS IS GREATER THAN THAT OF THE BOTTOM 95 PERCENT COMBINED?
SO?
SO I'M TAKING IT BACK.
TO GIVE TO THE POOR?
WELL NOW THAT WOULD BE STUPID.

WHY ARE WE OUT HERE?
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN WATCHING "MAN VS. WILD" AND I HAVE LEARNED ALL THE TECHNIQUES FOR SURVIVING IN NATURE'S HARSHEST CLIMATES WITH NOTHING BUT YOUR SKILL TO SEPARATE YOU FROM AN OTHERWISE CERTAIN DEATH.
MAY I GO INSIDE FOR A SODA POP?
YOU'RE REALLY RUINING THE EXPERIENCE.

HEY, RAT... I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A NEW FRIEND OF MINE. HE'S A BIG FAN.
OF WHAT?
HE'S JUST A BIG FAN.
THEY PAY YOU FOR THIS?

DO YOU HAVE ANY CORE RELIGIOUS BELIEFS?... THINGS YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART ARE TRUE?
JUST NACHOFICATION.
WHAT'S NACHOFICATION?
THE BELIEF THAT EVERYTHING TASTES BETTER WITH MELTED CHEESE.
I WAS HOPING FOR SOMETHING DEEPER THAN THE CHURCH OF CHEESE.
AHHHHHH, A DOUBTER. MAY I LEAVE YOU WITH SOME LITERATURE?

WHATCHA WATCHING?
ENGLISH SOCCER...I ROOT FOR THIS ONE TEAM, BUT THEY'RE IN DANGER OF RELEGATION.
WHAT'S RELEGATION?
THE TEAMS THAT FINISH AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STANDINGS GET BOOTED OUT OF THE LEAGUE.
WHERE DO THEY GO?
ANOTHER LEAGUE.
SO RELEGATION LETS YOU TAKE YOUR LEAST COMPETENT LOSERS AND MAKE THEM GO SOMEWHERE ELSE?
IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING.
YOO!! HOP IN THE GOSH@*# POT!
I WAS HOPING TO JUST BE ONE OF THE VIKINGS, MA’AM.
HELGA, WHY IS MY DINNER TALKING?