Pearls Before Swine | Search

DANNY DONKEY HATED LIFE.
HE HATED THE ROUTINE. HE HATED THE OBLIGATIONS. HE HATED THE COLD.
SO DANNY DONKEY WENT TO KEY WEST.
THERE, HE SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
AND SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
AND SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
THEN ONE DAY HE GOT A CALL FROM HIS MOTHER. "VACATION IS ONE THING," SAID HIS MOTHER, "BUT YOU CANNOT LIVE OUT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DRINKING ON A BEACH."
"WHY IS THAT?" SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"BECAUSE LIFE MUST HAVE BALANCE," SHE SAID. "AND GOALS. AND ACHIEVEMENTS."
SO DANNY DONKEY PAUSED. FOR HE KNEW THAT HIS MOTHER WAS RIGHT.
SO DANNY DONKEY BALANCED A BEER ON HIS HEAD AND SET A GOAL OF THROWING HIS EMPTY CANS IN THE SEA.
KERPLUNK
"AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, KIDS."
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER. DANNY DONKEY. MOTHER'S DAY GIFT BOOK.
LOOK AT ME, MAMMA! LOOK AT ME!

PIG, I'VE DECIDED THAT WITH YOUR DIM PROSPECTS, YOU SHOULD LIVE LIFE BACKWARDS. TURN YOUR BACK UPON THE PAINFUL PRESENT AND UNSIGHTLY FUTURE AND GAZE SOLELY UPON THE JOY THAT WAS THE PAST.
I DIDN'T HAVE A JOYFUL PAST.
I'VE DECIDED YOU SHOULD LIVE LIFE IN A BURLAP BAG.

GOOD AFTERNOON, ZEBRA. AS YOU MAY NOTICE, I'VE HAD MY SPEECH NOTABLY IMPROVED BY GENETIC ENGINEERING, A RISKY PROCEDURE THAT EITHER GREATLY ENHANCES OR DIMINISHES THE GENES THAT CONTROL SPEECH. BOB HERE HAS HAD THE PROCEDURE ALSO.
Wubba. Wubba. Koosh. Koosh.
HIS WAS NOT AS SUCCESSFUL.

DO YOUNG WOMEN
HAVE MAGNETS IN
THEIR HEADS THAT
ARE ACTIVATED BY
CAMERAS?
OF
COURSE
NOT.
WHY?
SAY
CHEESE.
CHEEEEEEEESE
I COULD BE WRONG.

HEY, PIG, WHERE YOU BEEN THIS MORNING?
NOWHERE... I WAS JUST

CREeeEEAK
WHAM
THERE'S ONE FOR THE BLOOPER REEL.

Well, noawun, look like zeeba try deeg seecret tunnel out of hees house, but ees okay, because me has Bob cover exit hole.
THAT’S A FIRE ANT MOUND.
Dat bad news for Bob.

HI. I NEED TO RETURN A BOOK THAT'S ELEVEN DAYS OVERDUE. WILL THE FINE BE LARGE?
OH, WE STOP ADDING TO THE FINE AFTER TEN DAYS. OTHERWISE, IT GETS TOO BIG.
OH, GOOD. SO WHAT HAPPENS WHEN IT'S OVER THAT?
THIS SEEMS EXCESSIVE.

Hullo, zeeba neighba.
WHY ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP ?
Memorial service for cousin Nick. He die.
OH... WELL... I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT. IF IT'S ANY COMFORT, I'M SURE HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE.
Yeah. Me sure too.
ON YOUR FEET.
HOW YOU LIKE AFTERLIFE, NICK ?

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
IT'S MY DECEASED FRIEND, WILLY THE WOODPECKER. I GUESS HE JUST WORE HIMSELF OUT CONSTANTLY BANGING HIS FOREHEAD INTO A TREE.
WOODPECKERS DON'T USE THEIR FOREHEADS. THEY USE THEIR BEAKS.
WILLY WOULD HAVE FOUND THAT INFORMATION USEFUL.

Whuh you dooeng, Larry?
Me hiding een zeeba garbage. When zeeba empty trash, he ees keel.
Dat great idea. Me hide een one next you.
@#!*% YOU, @#!*%!!
Dat guy reelly ees grouch.

SIR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO HIT OR STAY?
WELL, LET'S SEE, I'VE GOT A MR. JACK AND AN ACE...SO MAYBE I SHOULD STAY?
OHHHH...YOU DON'T WANT MR. JACK TO BE LONELY, DO YOU? HE'S GOT NO PEOPLE FRIENDS.
THEN GIVE MY JACKIE PEOPLE FRIENDS!
TWO KINGS!
SIR, YOU'RE LOSING ALL YOUR--
JACKIE'S GOT SOME PEOPLE FRIENDS!

WHY DO YOU HAVE A
SLOT MACHINE IN
YOUR LIVING ROOM?
WE FOUND AN
INDIAN BASKET IN
OUR BACKYARD.
OUR HOUSE IS
NOW A CASINO.
AN INDIAN BASKET? DID YOU LOOK
ON THE BOTTOM OF THIS? IT SAYS
"MACY'S."
SO THAT
WAS OUR
TRIBE.
THAT IS
NOT A
TRIBE.
HOW
FIERCE
WERE
THESE
MACY'S?

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, PIG?
IT'S AN INDIAN BASKET. I WAS DIGGING IN OUR BACKYARD AND I FOUND IT.
AN INDIAN BASKET? THIS MUST HAVE ONCE BEEN THE HOME OF A NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBE... DO YOU REALIZE HOW CULTURALLY SIGNIFICANT THIS IS? DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?
ONE STEP AHEAD OF YOU.
NO.
AND LOOK! RAT FOUND A BLACKJACK TABLE!

Hullo zeeba neighba. Dis Pastor Bob. He say you commit sin by no being courteous to crocs. But ees okay eef you confess sins, get penance.
WHAT'S THE PENANCE FOR NOT BEING COURTEOUS?
Four hour on “Barbecue O’ Forgeeveness.”
Dat one sacraleigious zeeba.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOING TO THE QUEST FOR THE PERFECT BEA ARTHUR. I'M TAKING MY PAL FLOYD. HE'S ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE IT.
WHO'S BEA ARTHUR?
THE WOMAN FROM 'MAUDE' AND 'THE GOLDEN GIRLS'... THE GOAL IS TO LOOK LIKE HER, BUT NOT OVERDO IT.
HOW COULD YOU OVERDO IT?
SOME PEOPLE DRESS EXACTLY LIKE SHE DID ON THE SHOWS. THAT LOOKS TOO CORNY.
SO WHAT DO YOU TRY TO DO?
BE CASUAL. YOU KNOW, LOOK LIKE BEA ARTHUR, BUT NOT LOOK LIKE BEA ARTHUR... SO DO YOU THINK I OVERDID IT?
I THINK THAT ISN'T WHAT I'M SHOOTING FOR. I'M SHOOTING FOR THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF BEA ARTHUR.
SO WHY ARE YOU ASKING US?
TO BEA OR NOT TO BEA? THAT IS THE QUEST, CHAN.
WHICH ONE'S YOUR DRAWING HAND?

HEY PIG... CHECK OUT MY NEW VENUS FLY TRAP. IT KILLS FLIES.
OH, YEAH? HOW'S IT DO THAT?
THE FLY LANDS ON ITS LEAVES AND GETS TRAPPED AND DIES.
WHAT IF THE FLY DOESN'T LAND ON ITS LEAVES?
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
BLAM
IT'S PRETTY RESOURCEFUL.

WHOA. THAT GIRL IS CUTE.
YEAH, SHE IS. I'LL DO MY HOT LOOK.
WHAT'S YOUR HOT LOOK?
WHERE I SQUINT SEDUCTIVELY AND PUFF OUT MY SENSUOUS LIPS AND FLEX MY BICEPS.
WHOA. THAT GIRL IS HOLDING HER STOMACH AND RUNNING INTO THE RESTROOM.
JUST MY LUCK. I PICK THE ONE WITH FOOD SICKNESS.

I SAW THE ANCHORS ON OUR LOCAL NEWS FIST BUMP EACH OTHER … MAN, YOU KNOW A TREND IS OVER WHEN THE ANCHORS ON YOUR LOCAL NEWS DO IT.
WHAT’S THAT, PIG?
OH, YEAH. EVEN I KNOW THAT.
IN FACT, ME AND GUARD DUCK HAVE ALREADY STARTED THE NEXT COOL GREETING.
THE FANNY RUB.
MY EYES!! MY EYES!!
TRY IT, STEPH, YOU’LL LIKE IT.
UH… HOW ‘BOUT A FIST BUMP?

HEY, GOAT,
IN ANCIENT
GREEK PLAYS,
WHAT WAS
THE CHORUS?
A GROUP OF
PEOPLE ONSITAGE
WHO COMMENTED
ON THE ACTION,
USUALLY IN SONG...
WHY?
COMICS SHOULD BE FUNNY
BUT THIS AIN'T WORTH OUR
MONEY...
THIS
COULD
GET
ANNOYING.
THE HUMOR'S
FAR AFIELD...
WE PREFER
'GARFIELD'

BEHOLD! I, RAT, NOW HAVE MY OWN iPod, iPhone AND iPad.
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS HATE HANGING OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALL THAT STUFF BECAUSE THEY PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ALL THAT THAN THEY DO TO THE PEOPLE THEY'RE WITH.
YES. IT IS ALL PART OF MY GRAND STRATEGY FOR SOCIAL INTERACTION WITH THOSE AROUND ME.
WHICH IS WHAT?
iIgnore.
iGiveUp.
iHuggaYou
iMakeYou
FeelBetter.

YOU LOOK GRUMPY THIS MORNING.
I AM.
DID YOU KNOW THAT IT TAKES 43 MUSCLES TO FROWN, BUT ONLY 17 MUSCLES TO SMILE?
WHAT'S IT TAKE TO PUMMEL A PERKY GUY?
YOU MAY NOT BE A MORNING PERSON.
I AM NOW.
DON'T MOVE.

HEY, RAT, WHAT ARE YOU WRITING?
AN EMAIL.
EMAIL? EMAIL? EMAIL DOESN'T ANYONE SEND A LETTER ANYMORE?
YO, COOL YOUR HORNS, SPAZ-BOY. I'M NOT THE BIGGEST FAN OF EMAIL EITHER. I KNOW IT'S GOT ITS PLUSES AND MINUSES.
YOU DO?
YEAH... FOR EXAMPLE, EMAIL TENDS TO RUDIFY ALL COMMUNICATION.
RUDIFY?
YEAH... MAKES IT RUDER. MAKES NICE PEOPLE SOUND RUDE. MAKES RUDE PEOPLE SOUND RUDE-R.
YES! EXACTLY! AND THAT ALONE OUTWEIGHS ITS PLUSSES!
THOSE ARE ITS PLUSSES.
PLEASE MAKE YOUR LIFE STOP MOVING.
PREPARE FOR AN EMAIL!!

I'M NOT PUTTING OUT ANY MORE SAMPLES UNTIL YOU TWO LEAVE.
SIR...WE'VE HAD BUT 53.
PLEASE, MISTER CHEESE-MAN! ONE TRAY MORE.

EXCUSE ME, SIR… CAN I GIVE YOU THIS?
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT IS IT?"… IT'S A LETTER TO A FRIEND.
OH, YEAAAH… I REMEMBER THESE...
I GIVE UP.
OH, WELL… I'M OFF TO DELIVER SOME MORE "NETFLIX" ENVELOPES.

HI, GOAT. I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.
DO YOU MIND? I'M TRYING TO FINISH A LETTER.
I KNOW. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GIVE YOU THIS. IT'S A PLAQUE CERTIFYING YOU AS THE LAST LETTER-WRITER IN AMERICA. CONGRATULATIONS.
GO AWAY.
OH, AND THE PRIZE INCLUDES THIS FINE OIL LAMP AND A BUGGY WHIP.