Pearls Before Swine | Search

HERE'S THE THING... YOU GROW UP WITH HUGE DREAMS... DREAMS OF FAME AND TRAVEL AND AWARDS AND ROMANCE AND IMMORTALITY...
THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP AND FIND YOUR LIFE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A STRING OF SATURDAYS SPENT AT 'HOME DEPOT.'
WHEN DID NEW VINYL WINDOWS REPLACE MY DREAMS?

Zeeba neighbaaa...Me is lady zeeba...Me looove you...Hop over buuush...love me tooo.
WHAT ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING? YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT'S A BALLOON?
Buhloon? Is you seeerious? Me lady zeeebaa.
OKAY, FINE. PROVE YOU'RE REAL. BLINK YOUR EYES.
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
BLINK
I MEANT THE BALLOON.
Eggnore Lamrry...He a mooooton.

HEY, DUDE. WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
I TRIED TO GO TO MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION, BUT I ENDED UP AT THE WRONG PLACE. IT WAS SOME OTHER REUNION FILLED WITH A BUNCH OF OLD PEOPLE...
OH, GOD.
HAVE A MIRROR, PAL.
HOPE THAT COFFEE CAME WITH THE SENIOR DISCOUNT.

HEY, GOAT, LISTEN... I JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THE THINGS I'VE DONE TO YOU OVER THE YEARS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE. JUST TRY TO CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR.
OH. OKAY. THEN AFTER I'M DONE, SHOULD I FLY TO THE MOON ON THE BACK OF MY UNICORN?
I TAKE IT YOU WON'T BE CHANGING.
TAKE MY APOLOGY FOR THE HOLLOW GESTURE IT IS!
TELL ME ABOUT THIS UNICORN

WHAT ARE
YOU GUYS
DOING?
EES 'CROC EEN A BOX'!
EES LATEST TREND!
BUY! PUT EEN HOUSE!
WHY WOULD
I PUT A
CROCODILE
IN MY
HOUSE?
Ooooh…You drive hard
bargain…Okay…Buy
now and me trow
een second 'CROC EEN
BOX' free.
GO
AWAY.
Wow. You reely pushing
luck. But okay, me trow
een sheeping handling.

WHAT ARE THOSE STUPID THINGS ON YOUR FEET?
MY LITTLE BOOTIES... THIS GIRL I MET HAND-MAKES THEM FOR ME... IN FACT, SHE'S REPAIRING ONE I LEFT WITH HER LAST WEEK... I SHOULD CALL HER NOW AND SEE WHEN I CAN GET IT BACK
YOU'RE CALLING A GIRL ABOUT WHAT?
GETTING SOME BOOTY.
WOMEN ARE SUCH A MYSTERY.

Who you frend, Larry?
Ees Coco. He a caiman.
Whuh a caiman?
Ees like leetle alligator.
He want see movie wid us.
Sorry. Just two tickets left. Your little friend there won't be able to get in.
WUH? I BUS MY REELY WANT EET EEN.
You want get een using my teeket?
Okay.
Dat probbly no whuh he have een mind, Larry.
Hey...Now me save fortune am popcorn.

HEY THERE. I DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET.
HI... I'M SAMMY THE STEELHEAD AND THIS IS FREDDIE THE SALMON. WE JUST MADE IT UP THE RIVER TO SPAWN... WE'RE HERE TO CELEBRATE.
THAT'S GREAT. WHAT DO YOU DO AFTER YOU SPAWN?
I GO BACK TO THE OCEAN. FREDDIE HERE DIES.
WELL NOW THAT PUTS A DAMPER ON THE EVENING.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, WAS THAT YOU THAT JUST PARKED YOUR GOLD CAMARO IN THE DISABLED PARKING?
WHY YES, OFFICER... UH... DOES THAT SAY "SNIPKINS"?
YEAH. LISTEN, PAL, CAN I ASK YOU WHY YOU’RE TAKING A DISABLED SPOT?
WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW, I HAVE A DISABILITY.
WHICH IS WHAT?
I’M BLIND.
YOU DROVE A CAR.
YOU READ MY NAME.
WELL, IT COMES AND GOES.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW THERE SOMETIMES SEEMS TO BE AN EXCESS OF DISABLED PARKING SPOTS AT STORES?
THAT'S DONE TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE WHO NEED THEM CAN ALWAYS BE ASSURED OF GETTING THEM.
SO DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE UNETHICAL FOR SOMEONE WITHOUT A DISABILITY TO FAKE LIKE HE HAS ONE JUST SO HE CAN GET ONE OF THOSE DISABLED PLACARDS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES?
OF COURSE IT WOULD BE UNETHICAL.
GOOD THING I CAN'T SEE THE LOOK OF DISGUST ON YOUR FACE.

WHERE YOU GOING, GOAT?
I HAVE TO PICK UP A RELATIVE OF MINE WHO JUST GOT TOSSED OUT OF A BAR FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS WEEK.
HOW IS HE RELATED TO YOU?
HE'S MY FIRST COUSIN ONCE REMOVED.
YOU SAID THEY REMOVED HIM TWICE.
MAYBE WE COULD DISCUSS THIS LATER.
YEAH. GET YOUR STORIES STRAIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE?
We play game of peckle wid Bob.
OH, YEAH? WHERE YOU THROW THE BALL BETWEEN TWO BASES AND HAVE TO TAG THE RUNNERS?
No.

HEY, RAT. I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU, BUT IT'S CONFIDENTIAL, SO I'M GONNA WHISPER IT.
WHY WHISPER?
I DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE ON THE COMICS PAGE TO HEAR US.
HEAR US? HOW CAN THEY--
CREEAAK.
SHE'S QUITE THE GOSSIP.
HOPE SHE DOESN'T BUST THROUGH.
I HEARD THAT.

YO, CARTOON BOY... WE GOT ISSUES.
WHAT NOW?
I'M TIRED OF TELLING QUALITY JOKES AND NOT GETTING ENOUGH ACCOLADES FOR THEM.
OH, YEAH? AND WHAT DO YOU PROPOSE?
LET ME SHOW YOU. SET ME UP WITH A 'PEARLS' LINE.
OKAY, FINE... IF YOU COULD HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH ONE PERSON, LIVING OR DEAD, WHO WOULD IT BE?
THE LIVING ONE.
WOOHOOHOOHOO
SPRING
YOU ARE NOT DOING THE LAMBEAU LEAP AFTER EVERY JOKE.
WHAT ARE YOU - A VIKINGS FAN?

HELLO, HOW WAS YOUR TRIP TO WASHINGTON? DID YOU GET THE CROCS BANNED?
NO. THE CROCS GAVE OUR SENATOR MORE CASH THAN US, SO HE VOTED FOR THEM. AND MAN, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A WHOLE LOT OF CASH.
WHAT?? WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
BECAUSE THEY'RE SHOOTING YOU ON THE CAPITOL STEPS AT DAWN.
CURSE THIS HIGHEST BIDDER DEMOCRACY!!!
ON A BRIGHTER NOTE, THEY GOT YOU THIS COMPLIMENTARY BLINDFOLD AND CIGARETTE.

Okay, guys, me hear zeeba
geeeving monies to gover-
mint to ban crocs. So we
crocs need geev governmint
more monies den zeebas.
Where
we
geet
monies?
Croc skin
valuabul. So
efery time croc
die, we ees
take skin
and sell.
Oooh…Gud
idea, larry.
So now we
jus wait
for croc
to die.
Me speed up
process.

YOU FELLAS JUST CAN'T WALK INTO A CONGRESSMAN'S OFFICE AND HAND ME CASH AND SAY, "HERE'S A BRIBE."
WE KNOW, SIR.
WE'RE SORRY.
BY THE WAY, DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE A CAT FAN, BUT IF SO, WE INVITE YOU TO REACH INTO THAT FUR AND GIVE HIM A RUB.
THAT'S QUITE A CAT.
STICK YOUR HAND IN OUR KITTY ANYTIME, SIR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR "BANNING CROSSES" PETITION?
I GAVE UP. NO ONE'S REGISTERED TO VOTE.
SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?
WHAT ANYONE WHO WANTS TO CHANGE THE LAW HAS TO DO... HIRE A LOBBYIST TO PERSUADE MY CONGRESSMAN.
HAVE A BRIBE.
WE CALL THEM "CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTIONS."
TOMAYTO TOMAHTO.

HEY, RAT, ASSUMING YOU'VE REGISTERED TO VOTE, COULD YOU PLEASE SIGN MY PETITION TO BAN REPTILES FROM OUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?
WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO BAN REPTILES?
REGISTER TO VOTE.
WHY DO I TRY?
HEY, GUYS, SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES IN VOTING.
PHOTO FOR THE FREAK FILE, SIR?
AND HE LOOKS SO NORMAL.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
HI, PIG... I'M CIRCULATING A PETITION TO BAN REPTILES FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD... CARE TO SIGN?
ABSOLUTELY NOT. WE'VE GOT SOME IN OUR BATHROOM.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE THEM IN YOUR BATHROOM?
SINCE WE RE-DID THE COUNTER.
REPTILES. NOT RED TILES.
RIPPED TILES? I SHOULD HOPE NOT. THEY'RE NEW.

DANNY DONKEY HATED LIFE.
HE HATED THE ROUTINE. HE HATED THE OBLIGATIONS. HE HATED THE COLD.
SO DANNY DONKEY WENT TO KEY WEST.
THERE, HE SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
AND SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
AND SAT ON THE BEACH. AND DRANK.
THEN ONE DAY HE GOT A CALL FROM HIS MOTHER. "VACATION IS ONE THING," SAID HIS MOTHER, "BUT YOU CANNOT LIVE OUT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DRINKING ON A BEACH."
"WHY IS THAT?" SAID DANNY DONKEY.
"BECAUSE LIFE MUST HAVE BALANCE," SHE SAID. "AND GOALS. AND ACHIEVEMENTS."
SO DANNY DONKEY PAUSED. FOR HE KNEW THAT HIS MOTHER WAS RIGHT.
SO DANNY DONKEY BALANCED A BEER ON HIS HEAD AND SET A GOAL OF THROWING HIS EMPTY CANS IN THE SEA.
KERPLUNK
"AND THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, KIDS."
THIS IS YOUR MOTHER. DANNY DONKEY. MOTHER'S DAY GIFT BOOK.
LOOK AT ME, MAMMA! LOOK AT ME!

PIG, I'VE DECIDED THAT WITH YOUR DIM PROSPECTS, YOU SHOULD LIVE LIFE BACKWARDS. TURN YOUR BACK UPON THE PAINFUL PRESENT AND UNSIGHTLY FUTURE AND GAZE SOLELY UPON THE JOY THAT WAS THE PAST.
I DIDN'T HAVE A JOYFUL PAST.
I'VE DECIDED YOU SHOULD LIVE LIFE IN A BURLAP BAG.

GOOD AFTERNOON, ZEBRA. AS YOU MAY NOTICE, I'VE HAD MY SPEECH NOTABLY IMPROVED BY GENETIC ENGINEERING, A RISKY PROCEDURE THAT EITHER GREATLY ENHANCES OR DIMINISHES THE GENES THAT CONTROL SPEECH. BOB HERE HAS HAD THE PROCEDURE ALSO.
Wubba. Wubba. Koosh. Koosh.
HIS WAS NOT AS SUCCESSFUL.

DO YOUNG WOMEN
HAVE MAGNETS IN
THEIR HEADS THAT
ARE ACTIVATED BY
CAMERAS?
OF
COURSE
NOT.
WHY?
SAY
CHEESE.
CHEEEEEEEESE
I COULD BE WRONG.

HEY, PIG, WHERE YOU BEEN THIS MORNING?
NOWHERE... I WAS JUST

CREeeEEAK
WHAM
THERE'S ONE FOR THE BLOOPER REEL.