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THE PIED PIPER-RAT
OKAY, MORONS, NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL DROWNING IN THE RIVER, I'LL LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET. ZEBRA PAID ME TO LEAD YOU TO YOUR WATERY DEATH!!! SO THERE!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
We can sweem.
I WAS LAUGHING WITH YOU, NOT AT YOU.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHY YOU LOOKING SO TIRED?
SOME IDIOT NEIGHBOR WAS BLARING STUPID 'NSYNC' MUSIC FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. MUST HAVE WOKE UP THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHAT KIND OF IDIOT FINDS 'BOY BAND' MUSIC THAT COMPELLING?
IT MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT IT AIN'T NO LIE, BABY, BYE BYE BYE BYE

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU,
ZEBRA?
THE CROCS ATE MY COUSIN,
JOYCE... OHHH, PIG...I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE...I NEED
THOSE IDIOTS OUT OF MY
NEIGHBORHOOD...
WAIT A MINUTE! I'VE GOT A SOLUTION!
SOMEONE WHO I KNOW WILL HELP
YOU...PROBABLY OUT OF THE GOODNESS
OF HIS HEART!
GOODNESS SCHMOODNESS...BUT
I DO TAKE VISA.

PIED PIPER -- RAT INC.
Headquarters

DO YOU FEAR GOING TO HELL?
NOT TODAY.
WHY NOT TODAY?
I'VE GOT MONKEY UNDERWEAR.
YOUR THEOLOGY MAY LACK SUPPORT.
OHHHH…
I'VE GOT SUPPORT, MY FRIEND.

I HEARD YOU AND PIG HAD A SEANCE TO CONJURE UP THE SOULS OF FAMOUS GUYS WHO DIED TRAGICALLY.
YEAH. AND THE ONLY GUY PIG COULD THINK OF WAS HUMPTY DUMPTY.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE THINK YOU SHOULDN'T MESS WITH THAT STUFF BECAUSE THE SOUL CAN BE PERMANENTLY DRAWN TO THE ENERGY OF YOUR HOME.
WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?
... AND REALLY, WHAT KIND OF KING SENDS HORSES TO REPAIR EGGS?
CAN'T GO TO SLEEP NOW, HUMPTY?

HEY RAT,
WHATCHA DOING?
CONDUCTING A SÉANCE. JUST HOLD HANDS, CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND THINK OF SOMEONE FAMOUS WHO DIED TRAGICALLY. THEN WE CAN CONJURE UP THEIR SPIRIT.
NUTS.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE.
DUDE. PLEASE.
MARILYN MONROE, JAMES DEAN, JIM MORRISON... IT'S NOT THAT HARD.
I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THEM.
FINE, DUDE. THEN JUST THINK OF SOMEONE FAMOUS YOU DO KNOW THAT DIED TRAGICALLY.
HOW ABOUT HUMPTY DUMPTY?
OH, BUT HE HAD SUCH A GREAT FALL.
I BLAME THE KING'S HORSES.

DUDE... WHY IS THIS GROCERY BAG FILLED WITH FORTY BOTTLES OF HAIR GEL?
I BOUGHT THEM.
YOU HAVE NO HAIR.
I'M A SUCKER FOR A SALE.

AAAA
CHOO
BLESS YOU.
WHY DO PEOPLE SAY 'BLESS YOU' WHEN PEOPLE SNEEZE? IT'S SUCH AN ODD NON-SEQUITUR.
IT'S JUST CUSTOM.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S AN ODD CUSTOM...I SAY IF WE'RE GONNA TOSS OUT ODD NON-SEQUITURS WHENEVER SOMEONE SNEEZES, WE SHOULD AT LEAST COME UP WITH NEW ONES.
LIKE WHAT?
CHUCK NORRIS.
I GIVE UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'VE STARTED STUDYING ROCKS. THIS IS MY COLLECTION.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT! NOW IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF ROCK, RIGHT?---IGNEOUS, SEDIMENTARY AND METAMORPHIC? SO WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT ONE IN YOUR HANDS?
THE BUMPY ONE.

PIG, IT'S ME, PIED PIPER-RAT... LISTEN... I STARTED PLAYING SOME SCHLOCKY POP HITS FROM THE 70S AND I GOT SOME PEOPLE TO FOLLOW ME OUT OF TOWN, BUT NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM...
WELL, GEE, HERE IN THE PIED PIPER STORY, HE LEADS THE RATS INTO A RIVER, AND THEY DROWN.
BAD NEWS, BARRY MANILOW-LOVERS...

DID YOU HEAR RATS TURNED INTO THE PIED PIPER-RAT? HE'S PLAYING A TUNE TO LEAD THE STUPID PEOPLE OUT OF TOWN...
YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING...HE HASN'T GOTTEN ANYONE TO FOLLOW HIM, HAS HE?

HEY, GOAT, DO YOU KNOW THE STORY OF THE PIED PIPER?
THE GUY WHO SAVED THE PEOPLE OF HIS TOWN FROM RATS BY PLAYING A TUNE AND LURING THE RATS OUT OF TOWN?
ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT THE STORY OF A RAT WHO SAVES HIS NEIGHBORHOOD BY PLAYING A TUNE AND LEADING OUT THE NEIGHBORS HE THINKS ARE STUPID?
YEAH... WHY?
GET OFF MY LAWN, RAT.
FOCUS ON THE MUSIC, NEIGHBOR BOB.

BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLADIPITY
BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH
WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE SUCH LONG MESSAGES?
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE WORLD... JUST SAY YOUR NAME AND PHONE NUMBER.
HECK, I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR PHONE NUMBER, BECAUSE IF I DON'T KNOW IT, I PROBABLY DON'T KNOW YOU, AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
AND IF I DO KNOW YOU, I STILL DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
KA-THUNK
TECHNOLOGY MADE SIMPLE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, RAT?
I'M STRUGGLING TO FIGURE OUT WHY IT IS THAT SOME PEOPLE SUCCEED AT EVERYTHING THEY DO...IT RAISES SO MANY QUESTIONS.
LIKE WHAT? MAYBE I CAN HELP.
LIKE...LIKE...WELL...WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT THE REST OF US DON'T?
SUCCESS.
I CAN BE A TERRIFIC RESOURCE.

MY ETHICAL CONDUCT HAS BEGUN TO SINK BELOW EVEN MY STANDARDS. I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO CHANGE.
I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
LOWER MY ETHICAL STANDARDS.
SOME PEOPLE MIGHT CHANGE THEIR CONDUCT.
WHY TAKE THE HARD ROAD?

YOU COMING, RAT?... THE CONCERT STARTS IN A HALF HOUR!
YEP.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ALL THAT FOR?
IT'S FOR THE MOSH PIT, DUDE. YOU ALWAYS WANT TO LOOK AS INTIMIDATING AS YOU CAN SO YOU CAN FAIL AT WILL AT ALL THE IDIOTS AROUND YOU.
IT'S A BARBRA STREISAND CONCERT.
OH, I WILL SO DOMINATE.

I THINK THE REASON I DON'T GET DATES IS THAT I TRY TOO HARD WHEN I MEET GIRLS.
OHH, GOAT. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
EXCUSE ME, BUT DO EITHER OF YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
YES, IT'S 1:30. ACTUALLY, IT JUST TURNED 1:31... PACIFIC STANDARD TIME... IN CASE YOU NEED THE TIME ZONE... WHICH YOU PROBABLY DON'T... BUT, AT LEAST NOW YOU HAVE, AH... THE... INFORMATION.
OH, SMOOOTH.
SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.
WHY IS THAT NICE GIRL RUNNING?

HEY, GOAT, WANT TO HEAR THIS REPORT I WROTE FOR THE PALEONTOLOGY CLASS I'M TAKING AT THE JUNIOR COLLEGE? IT'S ON DINOSAURS.
SURE, PIG. I'D LOVE TO.
DINOSAURS AND HUMANS LIVED TOGETHER MANY, MANY YEARS AGO...
PIG. PIG. PIG... DINOSAURS AND HUMANS NEVER LIVED TOGETHER. THEIR EXISTENCE WAS SEPARATED BY MILLIONS OF YEARS.
WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS CHAPTER ON THE FLINTSTONES?

WHAT VIDEO GAME ARE YOU PLAYING, PIG?
TIMMY THE GARDEN BOY. TIMMY'S A SWEET LITTLE BOY WHO YOU HELP PLANT BEAUTIFUL GARDENS. RIGHT NOW, HE'S TALKING TO PETEY POSTMAN. YOU CAN BE PETEY IF YOU WANT.
CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK
PLEASE DON'T SHOOT TIMMY THE GARDEN BOY.

HEY, PIG, WANT TO PLAY "BOBBING FOR SEEDS"?
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU HOLD A WATERMELON AND SUCK AS MANY SEEDS AS YOU CAN OUT OF IT IN ONE MINUTE.
OH, YEAH! SURE! OKAY!
CHOMP CHOMP SUCK CHOMP SUCK PTUI PTUI SUCK PTUI SUCK
NOT BAD. NOT BAD. ALRIGHT, NOW WE TRY A NEW GAME CALLED "FARCE." IT'S LIKE BOBBING FOR SEEDS, BUT HERE, INSTEAD OF A DRY WATERMELON, WE MAKE IT HARDER BY OILING IT UP.
IT IS TOO HARD TO HOLD.
YEAH. THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT "FARCE." IT'S JUST A HUGE COMEDY OF ERRORS.
WHAT IF I CAN'T DO IT WITH THE OILY ONE?
WE GO BACK TO THE OTHER GAME.
SO IF AT "FARCE" I DON'T SUCK SEED, TRY DRY AGAIN?
HAVE SOME PRIDE.

LOOK AT THAT OLD WOMAN
IN HER CAR. SHE DRIVES SO
SLOW. IF ANYTHING, YOU'D
THINK OLD PEOPLE WOULD
DRIVE FAST.
WHY
FAST?
THEY HAVE
LESS TIME
LEFT.
I WISH
YOU HAD
LESS TIME
LEFT.
THE CLOCK
IS TICKING,
LADY!!

TONIGHT ON 'NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC,'
WE EXPLORE THE WORLD OF AFRICAN
PREDATORS AND THEIR PREY.
SO COME....
...JOIN US.
THEY DON'T MEAN IT LITERALLY,
DAD.
Whoa.. Ees
dark een
Afreeeca.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your manuscript, which I recently reviewed.
Had I been familiar with the literary merit of your work, I probably would not have reviewed it while my dog was on my lap.
I say this because at one point during my review, my dog took one look at your prose and died.
I LIKE TO MAKE THEM FEEL AS BAD AS POSSIBLE.

Dear Contributor,
Thank you for your very interesting and nicely bound manuscript, which I have recently reviewed. I believe your work will make a valuable contribution to the publishing world.
By 'valuable,' I mean that I think we can re-use the brads.
I LIKE TO BE ENCOURAGING.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE GOT A JOB AS A BOOK EDITOR. HE PICKS WHICH SUBMISSIONS GET PUBLISHED AND WHICH DON'T. AND THEY'RE LETTING HIM WORK FROM HOME.
THAT'S GREAT, BUT ISN'T THAT A LOT OF READING FOR HIM? OR DOES HE SHORTCUT IT BY JUST READING THE FIRST TEN CHAPTERS OF EACH SUBMISSION?
YEAH, I THINK HE SHORTCUTS IT.
Dear Sir,
Your opening word, "the,"
was less than compelling.
Better luck next time.