Pearls Before Swine | Search

TONIGHT ON 'NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC,'
WE EXPLORE THE WORLD OF AFRICAN
PREDATORS AND THEIR PREY.
SO COME....
...JOIN US.
THEY DON'T MEAN IT LITERALLY,
DAD.
Whoa.. Ees
dark een
Afreeeca.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your manuscript, which I recently reviewed.
Had I been familiar with the literary merit of your work, I probably would not have reviewed it while my dog was on my lap.
I say this because at one point during my review, my dog took one look at your prose and died.
I LIKE TO MAKE THEM FEEL AS BAD AS POSSIBLE.

Dear Contributor,
Thank you for your very interesting and nicely bound manuscript, which I have recently reviewed. I believe your work will make a valuable contribution to the publishing world.
By 'valuable,' I mean that I think we can re-use the brads.
I LIKE TO BE ENCOURAGING.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE GOT A JOB AS A BOOK EDITOR. HE PICKS WHICH SUBMISSIONS GET PUBLISHED AND WHICH DON'T. AND THEY'RE LETTING HIM WORK FROM HOME.
THAT'S GREAT, BUT ISN'T THAT A LOT OF READING FOR HIM? OR DOES HE SHORTCUT IT BY JUST READING THE FIRST TEN CHAPTERS OF EACH SUBMISSION?
YEAH, I THINK HE SHORTCUTS IT.
Dear Sir,
Your opening word, "the,"
was less than compelling.
Better luck next time.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
STARING AT THIS ANT AND WONDERING.
WONDERING WHAT?
IF HE HAS ALL THE DAILY STRUGGLES AND WORRIES THAT WE DO. AND IF SO, WHAT I COULD DO TO HELP HIM GET RID OF THEM.
SOOOOSH
THERE'S THAT.

TWO FRIED EGGS.
THANK YOU.
POKE POKE
I'D LIKE TO BE SEATED SOMEWHERE ELSE.
THE FAT PIG STARTED IT.
HEY, I DON'T POKE YOU IN THE FRIED EGG EYES.

BYE, MOM.
HAVE A GOOD DAY AT SCHOOL, SWEETIE...STUDY HARD.
SPROIIINNGG
YOU KNOW, DAD, SOME FATHERS LIKE THEIR KID TO ATTEND SCHOOL.
Not me.
Stay home. Play Wii.
HEY, SUPER MARIO, LOOK OVER HERE.

CAN I HELP YOU,
SIR?
YES. I'D
LIKE A
FREE WIFEY.
I'M
SORRY?
I AM TOO, SIR. I'M
LONELY AND I NEED
A WOMAN. AND IF I
CAN GET A WIFE FOR
FREE, ALL THE BETTER.
I THINK YOU'RE MISREADING
THE SIGN, SIR.
OH, GREAT... DOES
SHE COST MONEY?

LOOK AT THIS...MY STUPID CONTRACTOR INSTALLED THE WRONG FRONT DOOR. THIS ONE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE MAIL SLOTS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? I LIKE BEING ABLE TO GET MY MAIL DROPPED RIGHT INTO MY HOUSE.
I DON'T.
Hey. Tell heem you Fed Ex guy.
Hi. Me Fed Ex guy.

WHEN YOU THROW OFF THE GRAVITATIONAL BALANCE OF THE STRIP, YOU’RE TOO FAT.
HEY, I STOPPED FROWN-ING!

HEY, RAT. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I INVITED MY FRIEND JEFF OVER. HE'S A CYCLIST.
A CYCLIST? DUDE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT CYCLISTS, BUT EVERY ONE I'VE EVER MET HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS.
I AM FIT!
I AM GREAT!
SHARE THE ROAD!
WELL, HE'S HUMBLER THAN I EXPECTED.
YOU ARE FAT.
YOU ARE LAZY.
SHARE THE ROAD.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME FOR BREAKFAST, PIG... GOT ANY SALT AND PEPPER FOR THE EGGS?
YEAH, HERE'S SOME SALT, BUT I'M OUT OF PEPPER. HERE, TRY THIS INSTEAD...
PFSSSH
PEPPER SPRAY IS NOT PEPPER, PIG.
AAUGH MY EYES!!
AND IT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A CONVENIENT LITTLE SPRAY.

Danny Donkey died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter reviewed Danny's entire life.
You sat on the couch and drank beer.
Danny Donkey defended himself.
Sometimes I recycled the can.
Unimpressed, St. Peter condemned Danny to a life of eternal torment.
Wait, argued Danny, You're not letting me in, but you're letting THAT guy in??
Which guy? replied St. Peter.
That guy behind you, said Danny Donkey.
St. Peter turned to look.
And Danny hopped the fence.
THIS is the book YOU want to title 'DANNY DONKEY'S GUIDE TO ETERNAL SALVATION'?
Yeah, that, or 'DISTRACTING ST. PETER FOR DUMMIES.'
I WILL BUY TEN!!

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A BIOGRAPHY OF ANDY GROVE. HE WAS ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF INTEL. YOU KNOW, THE COMPUTER CHIPMAKER?
DUDE, PLEASE. I KNOW WHO ANDY GROVE IS. HE'S THE MAN WHO SAID "ONLY THE PARANOID SURVIVE."
WOW. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
IT'S THE GOLDEN RULE.
THAT IS NOT THE GOLDEN RULE.
DO NOT BLASPHEME, HEATHEN GOAT!!!

Hey, son, want play Wii?
I CAN'T. I HAVE TO GO TO A CLASSMATES HOUSE TO DISSECT A FROG FOR MY SCIENCE CLASS. IT'LL PROBABLY TAKE ALL AFTERNOON.
Whuh ‘dissect’ mean?
YOU CUT it UP. AND IT'S A PRETTY INVOLVED PROCESS, SO THERE'S NOT MUCH I CAN DO TO SPEED THINGS UP.
SCIENTISTS WORK A LITTLE SLOWER THAN THAT, DAD.
Dey must no have Wii.

BYE, RAT. I'M OFF ON MY BIG DATE WITH PIGITA.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A MARCHING BAND HAT?
I THOUGHT IT LOOKED GOOD.
YOU DUMB PIG. MARCHING BAND HATS ARE ONLY FOR MARCHING BAND GUYS WHEN THEY'RE PLAYING THEIR INSTRUMENTS.
OH. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO?
BRRMFF

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
I THOUGHT I'D
TRY MY HAND
AT WRITING.
MAYBE GET A
NOVEL
PUBLISHED.
OH, BOY, GOAT...I WISH
YOU ALL THE SUCCESS
IN THE WORLD!
IGNORE THE
SULTAN O'
SCHADENFREUDE.

BEHOLD! I AM THE SULTAN O' SCHADENFREUDE! AND THIS IS MY STUPENDOUS SALT SHAKER O' SCHADENFREUDE!
WHAT IS SCHADENFREUDE?
WISHING ILL ON OTHERS' ENDEAVORS.
OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD. I WANT A WORLD WHERE WE'RE ALL TOGETHER AND WE HELP EACH OTHER AND HOLD HANDS AND DANCE AND SING IN ONE GRAND GLORIOUS GATHERING!
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE

Hey, son...Want play Wii?
CAN'T. I HAVE TO WRITE A REPORT ON THE BOOK 'OF MICE AND MEN'. WE HAVE TO COMPARE AND CONTRAST THE CHARACTERS.
Oh, peese. Dat like so easy.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
Mice is small. Men wear pants.
THANKS, DAD.
Okay...Now you play Wii?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, PIG?
I'M SEARCHING FOR MY YIAYIA.
WHAT'S A YIAYIA?
IT'S WHAT WE CALLED MY GRANDMOTHER. SHE DIED WHEN I WAS FIVE. I KEEP HOPING I CAN FIND HER IN THE STARS.
PIG, DECEASED PEOPLE DO NOT BECOME CONSTELLATIONS.
THEY DO IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY.
NO... THEY DON'T. THE GREEKS WOULD LOOK AT A FEW RANDOM STARS AND SELECTIVELY CONNECT THEM TO FORM AN IMAGE THEY WANTED TO SEE.
BUT I WANT SO BADLY TO THINK SHE'S WATCHING OVER ME.
WELL, THEN THINK IT, BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET PROOF UP THERE. NOW, C'MON, I'M HUNGRY. LET'S GET A BURGER.
Okay.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
A POODLE IN A HANDBAG. ALL THE RICH PEOPLE ARE DOING IT. THEY'RE THE ACCESSORY FOR THE UPPER CLASS. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, LI'L FLUFFLES?
KILL THE BOURGEOISIE!
PLEASE STOP SHOUTING MARXIST SLOGANS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'VE BECOME A CERTIFIED HUG SPECIALIST. WITH THIS GEAR, WE DETERMINE THE AMOUNT OF HUGS IN YOUR HUG TANK. IF IT'S LOW, WE FILL YOU UP, AS A LOW COUNT CAN PRODUCE UNHAPPINESS.
TOUCH ME AND I PUSH YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
ABORT.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
READING MY JOURNAL. I MAKE AN ENTRY IN IT EVERY DAY. HERE, READ A PAGE.
Today I went to a party at my neighbors' house. They were kind. They were funny. They were interesting.
SO I BURNED THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!
PLEASE DON'T WRITE IN MY JOURNAL.

THAT WOULD BE VERY CONFUSING.
WOW. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF COMIC STRIPS DID THAT?
NO, YOU IDIOT. THEY PUT THE BEGINNING OF A BOOK AT WHAT WE'D CALL THE END AND READ IT IN THE REVERSE ORDER WE WOULD.
OH MY GOODNESS. SO THEY READ THE END OF A BOOK FIRST?
DID YOU KNOW THAT CHINESE IS TRADITIONALLY READ FROM RIGHT TO LEFT, INSTEAD OF LEFT TO RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ALEXANDER PUSHKIN.
OH, I LOVE THAT GUY.
YOU DO? HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM?
HE KEEPS ALL MY PAPERS STUCK TO THE BULLETIN BOARD.
THAT'S PUSH PIN.
OH. MAYBE THEY'RE BROTHERS.