Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I GOT A LETTER FROM MY FAMILY. A CHEETAH ATE MY FAVORITE COUSIN. OHHH, GOD...WHAT A HUGE LOSS.
OH, GEE... YOU KNOW, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU DO?
YEAH. YESTERDAY I WAS GETTING COFFEE AT "STARBUCKS" AND THEY ASKED IF I NEEDED ROOM FOR CREAM, AND EVEN THOUGH I SAID YES, THEY POURED THE COFFEE TO THE TOP AND I HAD TO DUMP THE EXCESS COFFEE DOWN THAT LITTLE TRASH HOLE.
THAT'S NOT QUITE THE SAME.
WELL, YEAH. YOU'RE A LOT MORE WEEPY THAN I WAS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
JUST THINKING ABOUT MY FAMILY BACK HOME. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, BUT THEY'RE SUCH A PAIN IN THE REAR.
IT'S BEST TO LOVE YOUR FAMILY AS YOU WOULD A SIBERIAN TIGER -- FROM A DISTANCE, PREFERABLY SEPARATED BY BARS.
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.

THEY SAY IF YOU LOOK AT ALL OF A MAN'S FRIENDS COLLECTIVELY, YOU HAVE A GOOD COMPOSITE PICTURE OF THE MAN.
AAAAHHHHHHHH
NO OFFENSE.
SOME TAKEN.

TONIGHT, ON ANIMAL PLANET! THE MIGHTY SALTWATER CROCODILE! WITH ITS EIGHT-FOOT TAIL, THIS BEAST IS THE GODZILLA OF THE SWAMPLAND! MASTER OVER A HUGE HAREM OF WAITING FEMALES! SO STAY TUNED! AND DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

Woomun... Me want you meet new croc fren', Emeelio.
*SNICKER SNICKER*
Me want go home now, Larry.
Tail size no everything, Emeelio.

Hullooo zeeba neighba... Leesten. Dis Jaws. He croc wid beegest snout. So he croc most guys wanta be and most girls like best.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS DETERMINED BY TAIL SIZE.
No.
THAT'S JUST WHAT I HEARD.
Peese stop talking.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO IDENTIFY WHO AMONG US ARE THE WHACK-JOBS.
I CALL IT "THE BUMPER STICKER BAROMETER."
YOU SEE, IF A GUY HAS NO BUMPER STICKERS ON HIS CAR, HE'S PROB-ABLY O.K. ONE OR TWO-THAT'S A RED FLAG. BUT THREE OR MORE?
WHACK JOB ALERT! WHACK JOB ALERT! WHACK JOB ALERT!
DON'T YOU HAVE A DOZEN OF THOSE?
He knows.
HEY, MIND STRAPPING THIS TO YOUR HEAD?

RAT, THE NEWSPAPER OWNER
OKAY, STAFF, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL YOU - TATTERED REMNANTS - I'M HEARING A LOT OF GRUMBLING ABOUT THE CUTS I'VE MADE TO THE PAPER.
REST ASSURED, YOUR GRUMBLING IS DUE TO YOUR GRAND IGNORANCE OF MY GRAND STRATEGY. SO, ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN USING THIS BEAUTIFUL SCULPTURE WHICH I WILL CALL "MR. NEWSPAPER MAN."
YOU SEE, POOR MR. NEWSPAPER MAN IS SICK. HE'S TOO FAT. HE NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT.
SO TO MAKE HIM HEALTHY, I CUT OFF AN ARM.
BUT IT DID NOT WORK. SO I CUT OFF A LEG. AND ANOTHER ARM. BUT IT STILL DID NOT WORK. SO RELUCTANTLY, I HAVE DECIDED TO REMOVE MOST OF HIS UPPER TORSO, WHICH I AM CONVINCED WILL WORK, GIVING US A SLEEKER, HEALTHIER MR. NEWSPAPER MAN THAT IS MORE ATTRACTIVE TO READERS AND -
GOOD NEWS. WE'RE SLEEKER THAN EVER.

I'M THINKING ABOUT BUYING A USED CAR.
BUY ONE OF THOSE GIANT TANK-LIKE S.U.V.'S. THEY HELP PROMOTE A SAFE AND HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?
IF YOU GET IN AN ACCIDENT, YOU'RE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO KILL THE OTHER GUY THAN HE IS TO KILL YOU.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
I'D CALL THAT A PRETTY SAFE AND HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.

OKAY, MR. LITERATURE GUY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW I JUST READ THE WILLIAM FAULKNER CLASSIC, "THE SOUND AND THE FURY" AND I HAVE A LITERARY ANALYSIS.
OH YEAH? TELL ME. I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.
THE BOOK MAKES NO $*%! SENSE!!!!
THAT NOISE YOU HEAR IS THE SOUND OF NINE MILLION HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH STUDENTS CLAPPING.

PIIIING!!
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE TO EXPLAIN.
BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I'M KEEPING A GREAT WHITE SHARK IN MY BATHTUB.
A GREAT WHITE?! THAT'S THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST BREED OF SHARK. WHAT WILL RAT SAY??
I TOLD THE SHARK NOT TO ADMIT HE'S A GREAT WHITE... TO JUST PRETEND HE'S SOMETHING ELSE.
Arf Arf

DID YOU SEE THAT "OCEANTOPIA" AQUATIC PARK FINALLY SHUT DOWN? I HEARD THEY HAD SOME TROUBLE FINDING HOMES FOR THEIR ANIMALS.
YEAH. BIG SURPRISE, DUDE. WHAT KIND OF MORON WANTS TO KEEP A GREAT WHITE SHARK AT HIS HOUSE?
Shhhhh.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
MY STUPID NEWSPAPER. TURNS OUT YOU CAN'T FIRE ALL THE REPORTERS AND STILL HAVE A PAPER. SO NOW I NEED TO LOOK FOR ONE.
CAN I DO IT?
YOU? A REPORTER? WHAT BEAT WOULD YOU WANT?
WELL, I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT MUCH, BUT I GUESS I WOULDN'T MIND...
BOOM THUMPA THUMPA BOP M
YOU MIGHT WANT TO KEEP LOOKING.
NOW...WHAT KIND OF BEATING WOULD YOU WANT?
YO!
YO!
YO!
YO!

WHAT THE @#$% HAPPENED TO MY NEWSPAPER? IT'S THE SIZE OF A "POST-IT."
I, NEWSPAPER MAGNATE RAT, BOUGHT THE PAPER AND CUT THE SIZE TO SAVE ON PRODUCTION COSTS.
BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I CAN BARELY READ THE WORDS.
NO NEED. I FIRED THE REPORTERS.
BUT WHERE'S MY 'STYLE' SECTION?
I MERGED IT WITH THE FRONT PAGE, WHICH I THEN MERGED WITH THE SPORTS PAGE AND THE BUSINESS PAGE AND THE EDITORIAL PAGE.
SO WHAT'S LEFT?
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR. IT'S THE ONLY CONTENT I CAN GET FOR FREE. IN FACT, I THINK I PRINTED ONE THERE...
'YOUR PAPER STINKS.'
READERS HATE CHANGE.

I HAVE BIG PLANS FOR MY LIFE.
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE NEVER DYING... I DON'T PLAN TO DIE.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE, PIG. WE DIE WHETHER WE WANT TO OR NOT.
THAT'S GONNA AFFECT MY OTHER PLANS.

OKAY, MR. FUNNY GUY EDITORIAL CARTOONIST, I'VE DECIDED TO CUT YOUR POSITION. MY SECURITY TEAM, MR. LARRY, WILL ESCORT YOU FROM THE BUILDING.
WHY IS SECURITY NECESSARY?
FOR FEAR OF THE HARM YOU MAY DO TO THE PAPER IN YOUR REMAINING TIME HERE.
GEE, IF THAT WERE THE STANDARD, WOULDN'T THEY DRAG YOU OUT IN CHAINS?
EAT THE FUNNY MAN.

RAT COULDN'T GET CONGRESS TO GIVE COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS A BAILOUT, SO HE'S GONNA TRY SOMETHING NEW TO SECURE OUR FINANCIAL FUTURE.
WHAT'S THAT?
TAKE OVER THE NEWSPAPERS AND MAKE SOME CUTS THAT CAN MAKE THEM MORE PROFITABLE.
LIKE WHAT?
WE'RE CALLING IT 'ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS ON A POST-IT.'

Hullo, son. Whuh you reading?
THE SCARLET LETTER!... IT'S FOR MY ENGLISH CLASS. IT'S ABOUT A WOMAN LIVING IN THE SEVENTEENTH CENTURY WHO--
ZZZZZZZZZ
THUD
I THINK I MIGHT KNOW WHY YOU DIDN'T DO WELL IN ENGLISH, DAD.
Hey... how me get on floor?

IS IT TRUE YOU'RE PETITIONING CONGRESS TO BAIL OUT COMIC STRIP CHARACTERS?
YES. WE'RE AN AMERICAN INSTITUTION AND WITH NEWS-PAPERS STRUGGLING, OUR FUTURE IS THREATENED.
YEAH, BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET THEM TO GIVE YOU MONEY?
IT'S ALL ABOUT HAVING THE RIGHT WITNESSES PRESENTED THE RIGHT WAY SAYING THE RIGHT THINGS.
I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD PANTS.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE
COMPANIES ASKING THE GOV-
ERNMENT FOR BAILOUTS?
FIRST, THE INSURANCE COM-
PANIES. THEN THE BANKS,
THEN THE AUTO COMPANIES.
DO
THEY
GET
ANY
MONEY?
YEAH, MOST OF THE TIME...
MAKES
YOU WONDER
WHAT SLEAZEBALL
INDUSTRY WILL BE
PLEADING
POVERTY NEXT.
I'M A POOR, POOR COMIC STRIP CHARACTER.

HAIL TO CHEEF!!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
CROCS GET PRESSYDENT OF UNITED STATE TO TAKE SIDE OF CROCS.
NOW HE GEEV SPEECH.
ORDER BAD TINGS FOR YOU SAD ZEEBA FACE.
I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE YOU EVEN KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS.
BEEG IMPORTANTMAN.
WHOLE COUNTRY LIKE.
WRITE SPEECH FOR HEEM.
FROM SOMEPLACE CALLED EDELNISE.
ALRIGHT, FINE...SO YOU KNOW CURRENT EVENTS.
IT HARDLY MEANS YOU COULD GET HIM TO
FOUR SCORED AND SEVEN YEAR AGO!!!
OHHHH, WO.
HEY, SHUT UP.
LEESTEN TO PRESSYDENT LEEENNCL-LOG.
BLAH BLAH BLAH
OKAY, WHERE PART ABOUT OOBLEESH ZEEBY-ERY?

DO YOU REALIZE THAT IF EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE COUNTRY DECIDED TO IMMEDIATELY GO OUT AND SPEND MONEY THIS RECESSION WOULD END OVERNIGHT?
IS THAT SO?
YES SO AS A PUBLIC SERVICE, I’M GONNA COUNT TO THREE AND CLAP MY HANDS, AND WHEN I DO, I WANT EVERYONE READING THIS TO GO OUT AND SPEND EVERY DOLLAR IN THEIR POCKET. READY?…. ONE…TWO…THREE!
CLAP CLAP CLAP
TAKE THAT, MR. RECESSION!
AND THEY SAY WE’RE JUST A COMIC STRIP.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE?
I'M BURNING ALL YOUR ROMANTIC CARDS, SIR. THE 'THINKING OF YOU' CARDS, 'HAPPY ANNIVERSARY' CARDS. LOVE'S NOT REAL, SIR, AND THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW IT.
LISTEN, PAL. JUST BECAUSE YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE IN THE EXISTENCE OF LOVE DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BURN ALL OF OUR CARDS.
WHOA WHOA WHOA, SIR. I DID NOT BURN *ALL* OF OUR CARDS. I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH THOSE.
YOU LEFT THE CONDOLENCE CARDS.
NOW DEATH... THAT'S REAL.

WHAT KIND OF CARD ARE YOU LOOKING FOR, BOB?
JUST A "THINKING OF YOU" CARD. THIS GIRL I'M DATING IS REALLY SPECIAL AND I WANT HER TO KNOW IT... AHA... HERE THEY -
... ARE
WE SHOULD TRY ANOTHER STORE, BOB.
SAVE YOUR MONEY, BOB. BUY A BEER.