Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
WRITING A LETTER TO PIGITA... SHE'S DATING AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR AND I WANT TO WIN HER BACK.
AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR? DUDE, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO IMPRESS HER WITH YOUR WRITING SKILLZ. SHOW HER THE SUPERIORITY OF YOUR PROSE, YOUR VOCABULARY, YOUR GRAMMAR...
My grammar is soooooo gooder.

HEY, PIG, YOU GONNA WASH MY CAR TODAY OR NOT?
I DON'T KNOW... I WAS THINKING I'D RATHER--
RIP
RIP
RIP
RIP
IT'S A PAPER BAG, SIR.
WELL, WHADDYA KNOW.
GUARD DUCK!!

HEY THERE, RAT, I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO TO THE STORE, AND MAYBE GET YOU A SIX-PACK OF 'MILLER' OR SOMETHING, BUT BEFORE I DO, I WANTED TO KNOW IF THERE WAS A CHANCE OF THE ALWAYS THIRSTY MR. HEEBIE JEEBIE MENACING ME TODAY.
TODAY? NAAAH... IN FACT, I JUST CHECKED THE MR. HEEBIE JEEBIE ALERT LEVEL AND IT LOOKS LIKE THEY HAVE IT AT A -
CODE RED?!
I WILL BUY A CASE OF THE WORLD'S FINEST MICRO BREW!!!
BETTER THROW IN SOME NACHOS.

HEY DAD, MOM NEEDS US TO GO GROCERY SHOPPING.
No gonna happen, son. Dad staple face to wall.
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?
Bob say no can be done. He say only eediot tink staple can hold head to wall.
I DON'T THINK I'LL SHARE THIS WITH MOM.
Who eediot NOW, Bob?
No be bragger, Larry.

I HEARD RAT HAS CREATED A FEAR-MONGERING HAND PUPPET NAMED "MR. HEEBIE JEBBIE."
YEAH, IT'S A PAPER BAG. AND RAT USES IT TO MANIPULATE PIG FROM THE MOMENT HE GETS UP IN THE MORNING.
YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT.
Me want dounuuuuuut.

HEY THERE, GOAT. HAVE YOU MET MR. HEEBIE JEEBIE, THE FEAR-MONGERING HAND PUPPET?
IT'S A PAPER BAG, RAT... YOU REALLY THINK YOU'RE GONNA SCARE SOMEONE WITH A PAPER BAG?
IS HE GONE YET?
Ohh, Pig.
SOMEONE BETTER BRING ME ANOTHER BEEEEEEEEEEER.

Elly Elephant loved giving birthday gifts. Especially to her best friend, Henry Hippo.
She loved remembering each little thing Henry Hippo liked.
She made a card incorporating exactly that.
And she loved remembering every little thing Henry Hippo said he needed.
And she’d shop high and low to find it.
On this perfect warm morning, Elly Elephant rose from bed. She was very excited. It was her birthday, and she couldn’t wait to see what Henry Hippo has given her.
We should go as a carousel (“Pooh!” One of allus
-- someone will be finding beads of plenty with no ends),
A ladder bravely rising up in every direction!
No, no oh no no, I don’t know if heaven’s any better than this.
The doorbell rang. It was Henry Hippo. “Happy birthday,” he said, handing her a gift.
“It’s a tape measure from the hardware store. For you,” said Henry Hippo.
Elly Elephant stomped off into her bedroom.
OH, THIS IS A NICE WAY TO END A CHILDREN’S BOOK.
THE END. LOOK WHAT SHE DOES WITH THE TAPE MEASURE.
THAT’S WELL-DONE, HENRY.
GOOD LUCK RETURNING THAT TAPE MEASURE.

CHECK IT OUT. I'M ASSEMBLING A BOOK OF QUOTES BY ME AND OTHER FAMOUS PHILOSOPHERS.
OH, BOY... LET ME HEAR ONE.
"NOT WHAT WE HAVE, BUT WHAT WE ENJOY, CONSTITUTES OUR RICHES."
WOW... THAT'S WONDERFUL! READ ME ANOTHER.
"THEY GRAB YOU AT THE DRIVE-THRU."
...CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE IS MINE?

THE PIED PIPER-RAT
OKAY, MORONS, NOW THAT YOU'RE ALL DROWNING IN THE RIVER, I'LL LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET. ZEBRA PAID ME TO LEAD YOU TO YOUR WATERY DEATH!!! SO THERE!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
We can sweem.
I WAS LAUGHING WITH YOU, NOT AT YOU.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHY YOU LOOKING SO TIRED?
SOME IDIOT NEIGHBOR WAS BLARING STUPID 'NSYNC' MUSIC FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. MUST HAVE WOKE UP THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHAT KIND OF IDIOT FINDS 'BOY BAND' MUSIC THAT COMPELLING?
IT MIGHT SOUND CRAZY, BUT IT AIN'T NO LIE, BABY, BYE BYE BYE BYE

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU,
ZEBRA?
THE CROCS ATE MY COUSIN,
JOYCE... OHHH, PIG...I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE...I NEED
THOSE IDIOTS OUT OF MY
NEIGHBORHOOD...
WAIT A MINUTE! I'VE GOT A SOLUTION!
SOMEONE WHO I KNOW WILL HELP
YOU...PROBABLY OUT OF THE GOODNESS
OF HIS HEART!
GOODNESS SCHMOODNESS...BUT
I DO TAKE VISA.

PIED PIPER -- RAT INC.
Headquarters

DO YOU FEAR GOING TO HELL?
NOT TODAY.
WHY NOT TODAY?
I'VE GOT MONKEY UNDERWEAR.
YOUR THEOLOGY MAY LACK SUPPORT.
OHHHH…
I'VE GOT SUPPORT, MY FRIEND.

I HEARD YOU AND PIG HAD A SEANCE TO CONJURE UP THE SOULS OF FAMOUS GUYS WHO DIED TRAGICALLY.
YEAH. AND THE ONLY GUY PIG COULD THINK OF WAS HUMPTY DUMPTY.
YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE THINK YOU SHOULDN'T MESS WITH THAT STUFF BECAUSE THE SOUL CAN BE PERMANENTLY DRAWN TO THE ENERGY OF YOUR HOME.
WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN?
... AND REALLY, WHAT KIND OF KING SENDS HORSES TO REPAIR EGGS?
CAN'T GO TO SLEEP NOW, HUMPTY?

HEY RAT,
WHATCHA DOING?
CONDUCTING A SÉANCE. JUST HOLD HANDS, CLOSE YOUR EYES, AND THINK OF SOMEONE FAMOUS WHO DIED TRAGICALLY. THEN WE CAN CONJURE UP THEIR SPIRIT.
NUTS.
I CAN'T THINK OF ANYONE.
DUDE. PLEASE.
MARILYN MONROE, JAMES DEAN, JIM MORRISON... IT'S NOT THAT HARD.
I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THEM.
FINE, DUDE. THEN JUST THINK OF SOMEONE FAMOUS YOU DO KNOW THAT DIED TRAGICALLY.
HOW ABOUT HUMPTY DUMPTY?
OH, BUT HE HAD SUCH A GREAT FALL.
I BLAME THE KING'S HORSES.

DUDE... WHY IS THIS GROCERY BAG FILLED WITH FORTY BOTTLES OF HAIR GEL?
I BOUGHT THEM.
YOU HAVE NO HAIR.
I'M A SUCKER FOR A SALE.

AAAA
CHOO
BLESS YOU.
WHY DO PEOPLE SAY 'BLESS YOU' WHEN PEOPLE SNEEZE? IT'S SUCH AN ODD NON-SEQUITUR.
IT'S JUST CUSTOM.
YEAH, WELL, IT'S AN ODD CUSTOM...I SAY IF WE'RE GONNA TOSS OUT ODD NON-SEQUITURS WHENEVER SOMEONE SNEEZES, WE SHOULD AT LEAST COME UP WITH NEW ONES.
LIKE WHAT?
CHUCK NORRIS.
I GIVE UP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'VE STARTED STUDYING ROCKS. THIS IS MY COLLECTION.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT! NOW IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY, THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF ROCK, RIGHT?---IGNEOUS, SEDIMENTARY AND METAMORPHIC? SO WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT ONE IN YOUR HANDS?
THE BUMPY ONE.

PIG, IT'S ME, PIED PIPER-RAT... LISTEN... I STARTED PLAYING SOME SCHLOCKY POP HITS FROM THE 70S AND I GOT SOME PEOPLE TO FOLLOW ME OUT OF TOWN, BUT NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM...
WELL, GEE, HERE IN THE PIED PIPER STORY, HE LEADS THE RATS INTO A RIVER, AND THEY DROWN.
BAD NEWS, BARRY MANILOW-LOVERS...

DID YOU HEAR RATS TURNED INTO THE PIED PIPER-RAT? HE'S PLAYING A TUNE TO LEAD THE STUPID PEOPLE OUT OF TOWN...
YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING...HE HASN'T GOTTEN ANYONE TO FOLLOW HIM, HAS HE?

HEY, GOAT, DO YOU KNOW THE STORY OF THE PIED PIPER?
THE GUY WHO SAVED THE PEOPLE OF HIS TOWN FROM RATS BY PLAYING A TUNE AND LURING THE RATS OUT OF TOWN?
ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT THE STORY OF A RAT WHO SAVES HIS NEIGHBORHOOD BY PLAYING A TUNE AND LEADING OUT THE NEIGHBORS HE THINKS ARE STUPID?
YEAH... WHY?
GET OFF MY LAWN, RAT.
FOCUS ON THE MUSIC, NEIGHBOR BOB.

BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLADIPITY
BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH
WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE SUCH LONG MESSAGES?
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE WORLD... JUST SAY YOUR NAME AND PHONE NUMBER.
HECK, I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR PHONE NUMBER, BECAUSE IF I DON'T KNOW IT, I PROBABLY DON'T KNOW YOU, AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
AND IF I DO KNOW YOU, I STILL DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
KA-THUNK
TECHNOLOGY MADE SIMPLE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, RAT?
I'M STRUGGLING TO FIGURE OUT WHY IT IS THAT SOME PEOPLE SUCCEED AT EVERYTHING THEY DO...IT RAISES SO MANY QUESTIONS.
LIKE WHAT? MAYBE I CAN HELP.
LIKE...LIKE...WELL...WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT THE REST OF US DON'T?
SUCCESS.
I CAN BE A TERRIFIC RESOURCE.

MY ETHICAL CONDUCT HAS BEGUN TO SINK BELOW EVEN MY STANDARDS. I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO CHANGE.
I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
LOWER MY ETHICAL STANDARDS.
SOME PEOPLE MIGHT CHANGE THEIR CONDUCT.
WHY TAKE THE HARD ROAD?

YOU COMING, RAT?... THE CONCERT STARTS IN A HALF HOUR!
YEP.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ALL THAT FOR?
IT'S FOR THE MOSH PIT, DUDE. YOU ALWAYS WANT TO LOOK AS INTIMIDATING AS YOU CAN SO YOU CAN FAIL AT WILL AT ALL THE IDIOTS AROUND YOU.
IT'S A BARBRA STREISAND CONCERT.
OH, I WILL SO DOMINATE.

I THINK THE REASON I DON'T GET DATES IS THAT I TRY TOO HARD WHEN I MEET GIRLS.
OHH, GOAT. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
EXCUSE ME, BUT DO EITHER OF YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
YES, IT'S 1:30. ACTUALLY, IT JUST TURNED 1:31... PACIFIC STANDARD TIME... IN CASE YOU NEED THE TIME ZONE... WHICH YOU PROBABLY DON'T... BUT, AT LEAST NOW YOU HAVE, AH... THE... INFORMATION.
OH, SMOOOTH.
SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.
WHY IS THAT NICE GIRL RUNNING?