Pearls Before Swine | Search

HULLOOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBA...
LEESTEN. Mebbe you hear crocs ask zeeba last week.
DON'T TALK TO ME. THAT WAS MY COUSIN NICKY. AND YOU KNOW THAT.
Well, leestan...Mebbe you help us eemprove by filling out customer satisfaction form. See, it ask, "Was crocs courteous during keeling?", "Was we puncutal?", "Deed we eet you frend een professional manner?"
Oh, and juss for parteecipating een survey, you get special prize.
Mebbe zeeba meat not gud special prize.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M STANDING BEHIND THE UNCOOL FENCE.
THE UNCOOL FENCE? WHAT THE ... WHY??
BECAUSE THE COOL PEOPLE DON'T WANT ME BEHIND THEIR FENCE.
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
Uncool
COOL
GREETINGS, NERD.

HEY GOAT, HAVE YOU MET MY
NEW ARTIST FRIENDS, TIMMY
AND JIMMY MARSHMALLOW? TIMMY FOLLOWS HIS ARTISTIC
VISION ABOVE ALL ELSE. JIMMY
WANTS THEIR WORK TO BE
COMMERCIALLY POPULAR.
WHAT'S JIMMY
DO WHEN
THEIR
VISIONS
COLLIDE?
KER-SPLAT
IT'S NOT PRETTY.

HEY, RAT, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY NEW FRIENDS, TIMMY AND JIMMY, THE ARTISTIC MARSHMALLOWS. TIMMY FOLLOWS HIS ARTISTIC VISION. JIMMY'S A BIT MORE COMMERCIAL.
WHICH ONE'S WHICH?
MONEY
MONEY
MONEY
MONEY
MONEY
MONEY
I THINK THAT'S JIMMY.

Who at front door?
SOME RELIGIOUS FOLK SAYING "GOD LOVES US". THEY WANTED TO KNOW IF THEY COULD COME INSIDE AND TALK TO US.
HA! DEY REALLY TINK DERE IS PEOPLE WHO WOULD LET DEM IN HOUSE JUSS 'CAUSE DEY SAY "GOD LOVE YOU"?
YEAH. LOTS. WHY?
God love you.

WHATSA MATTER WITH YOU?
THIS WOMAN'S COMPLAINING TO HER WISCONSIN PAPER ABOUT "PEARLS".
ABOUT "PEARLS"? HA!
HOW CAN ANYONE COMPLAIN ABOUT US WHEN THE BIGGEST SCANDAL IN COMIC STRIP
HISTORY IS BEING PERPETRATED
RIGHT UNDER HER VERY NOSE???
AND WHAT IS THAT?
ZIGGY'S GOT NO #$@i%* PANTS!
SAYS THE PANTLESS RAT..
SHHHH
DON'T DRAW ATTENTION TO IT.

IT WAS SO NICE OF GOAT TO INVITE YOU FOR A DINNER PARTY. SHOULD WE PLAY A GAME?
YEAH. I GOT ONE. IT'S CALLED 'DO THE BUSH.'
WHAT IS THAT?
YOU INITIATE GEORGE W. BUSH BY SQUINTING YOUR EYES AND MUMBLING BUSH-ESQUE THINGS...LIKE... 'WE'RE GONNA SMOKE 'EM OUT.'
AHEM...DOOK.
OH, AND THEN YOU SUBMIT TO A BODY SEARCH.
I'M NOT DOING THAT.
IMAITATIONS.
C'MON, DUDE. MIM 'OKAY. GUYS, HAM'S ALMOST READY.DO YOU WANT PINEAPPLE SLICES IN THE HAM?
YEAH, BUT WHY DO YOU THAT TRICK?
HEY, HEY, BEFORE YOU DO THAT, THE DEA'S GONNA HAVE TO SEARCH YOUR BAG FOR ILLEGAL PINEAPPLE SLICES. CAUSE YOU CAN'T 'DOING THE BUSH.'
OH, YOU A RE FUN.
THE SLICES WON'T FIT ANYWAY.
OH NO...I CAN'T...IT'S
C'MON, DUDE, YOU HAVE TO DO IT NOW.
WHY?
BECAUSE A BERT IN THE HAM IS WORTH DOIN' THE BUSH.
PIG HAS ME LAY OUT THE SLICES IN THE HAM IN THE SHAPE OF HIS FAVORITE
'SESAME

DID THE WRITERS OF THE U.S. CONSTITUTION HAVE TO MAKE IT MORE APPEALING TO RATS BEFORE THE STATES WOULD AGREE TO IT?
NO.
SO THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO ADD IN SPECIAL PROVISIONS THAT ONLY RATS WANTED?
NO.
THAT IS NOT WHAT RATIFY MEANS.
OH? THEN WHY WASN'T IT PIGIFIED?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, L'IL GUARD DUCK?
REDEPLOYING, SIR. THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S STABILIZED... I'VE GIVEN THEM THEIR FREEDOM. NOW IT'S UP TO THEM TO USE IT WISELY.
THAT MUST BE WHY NEIGHBOR BOB AND HIS WIFE DECIDED TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE HOT PINK.
A SOLDIER'S WORK IS NEVER DONE, SIR.
YOU'RE DESTABILIZING THE REGION, NEIGHBOR BOB!!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, L’IL GUARD DUCK?
CHECKING MY AD ON CRAIGSLIST, SIR. I’M THINKING ABOUT QUITTING THE MILITARY AND GETTING A CIVILIAN JOB. BUT NO ONE’S RESPONDED TO MY AD YET, SIR, AND I DON’T KNOW WHY.
Violent, emotionally-unstable duck with rocket-propelled grenade launcher seeks desk job, preferably around other people.
PERHAPS THEY’RE ANTI-DUCK.

KIKO, THE HUG-STARVED LONELY CACTUS
I MADE SOMEONE'S DAY.

KIKO, THE LONELY CACTUS
YOU KNOW, KIKO, NOT ONLY DOES NO ONE WANT TO HUG A CACTUS. BUT NO ONE WANTS TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO PROJECTS NEED. DO YOU THINK THAT'S PART OF YOUR PROBLEM?
HUG ME!!
NO.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?
KIKO, THE LONELY CACTUS. HE'S SAD BECAUSE NO ONE WILL HUG HIM.
OF COURSE THEY WON'T HUG HIM. HE'S GOT BIG, SHARP SPIKES THAT WILL STAB WHOEVER HE TOUCHES.
I TOLD YOU PERSONALITY COUNTS FOR NOTHING.

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT THING?
MOPED MONKEY. I ORDERED IT FROM THE "MONKEY IN A BOX" CATALOG.
WHY DO WE WANT A STUPID MONKEY?
BECAUSE EVERYONE'S SO DOWN THESE DAYS. I THOUGHT, WHAT BETTER WAY TO CHEER US ALL UP THAN A CUTE LIL' MONKEY ON A MOPED?
LOOK! LOOK! LOOK! THERE HE IS! HULLO, LITLE MONKEY GWINKY! WHERE'S YOUR MOPED, LIL' MONKEY GWINKY?
MOPED? I DON'T HAVE A MOPED. I DON'T HAVE SQUAT. MY WHOLE LIFE IS ******.
DUDE, YOU DIDN'T ORDER "MOPED MONKEY." YOU ORDERED "MOPEY MONKEY."
WELL NOW, HE'S NOT AS FUN.
HEY, BUY ME THE MOPED. I'LL DRIVE IT OFF A CLIFF.
ACME MOPED? WHAT'D YOU GOT THERE?

Dear Pixar,
I notice you like to make
movies about sympathetic
main characters you can
root for. Well, I think I've
got one for you.
Tipsy, the alcoholic
petting zoo deer
who bites the hands
off of bad kids.
I'VE GOT A REAL KNACK FOR
FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
EXERCISING.
YOU'RE NOT MOVING.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. BUT IT TURNS OUT THE WORLD IS ROTATING TO THE EAST, AND I HAVEN'T SLID BACK TOWARD THE COFFEE TABLE, SO I MUST BE MOVING.
I THINK I KNOW WHY YOU'RE NOT LOSING WEIGHT.
HANG ON. I'VE EARNED ANOTHER DONUT BREAK.

IF YOU LOVE A WOMAN, AND YOU THINK SHE OWES YOU, SHOULD YOU CUT OFF THE RELATIONSHIP JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A POOR LETTER WRITER?
NO. I DON'T THINK SO. DO YOU WRITE NICE LETTERS TO HER?
OH, YES. IN MY LAST LETTER, I SAID, 'I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT YOU.'
AND WHAT DID SHE WRITE BACK?
'HEALTHY TEETH NEED REGULAR CLEANING.'
ARE ALL DENTISTS THIS UNROMANTIC?

HOW'S YOUR BAND GOING, RAT?
I DID SOME RESEARCH. I FOUND THAT ALL GREAT BANDS HAVE DEAD DRUMMERS... THE WHO... LED ZEPPELIN... YOU GET THE IDEA.
SO WHAT'S THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS IF JOHNNY MIGRAINE AND THE BIG DOGS O' DOOM ARE GONNA BE GREAT, WE GOTTA START WITH A DEAD DRUMMER.
WHICH IS NOT REALLY THE TOUR EXPERIENCE I HAD IN MIND.
BONGO! WE DON'T TALK!

SO YOU STARTED A PUNK BAND.
YEP. "JOHNNY MIGRAINE AND THE BIG DOGS O' DOOM."
"BIG DOGS"? AS IN GERMAN SHEPHERDS OR ROTTWEILERS OR SOMETHING?
NO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M JOHNNY MIGRAINE, REBELLIOUS PUNK SUPERSTAR, HERE TO TOUR THE STATES.
OH, GREAT...AND HOW DO YOU REBEL...BY TRASHING YOUR HOTEL ROOM LIKE EVERY OTHER "REBELLIOUS" BAND?
BY KEEPING IT TIDY.
OKAY, THAT IS KINDA REBELLIOUS.
ROCK AND ROLL, BABY!

Elly Elephant wanted a romance.
She wanted a knight.
She wanted brave.
She wanted bold.
She wanted Cary Grant.
She wanted held hands.
She wanted Central Park in the rain.
She wanted intelligence.
She wanted depth.
She wanted long talks before the fire.
She wanted passion and surprise.
Tuxedos and bow ties.
Truth and not the lies.
Hellos and not goodbyes.
One embrace that never dies.
To the tune of heartfelt sighs.
All lost in deep brown eyes.
Unmatured by the cries...
"OPEN YOUR #*&$#*' EYES, REF!!"
Elly Elephant settled for chocolate and a romance novel.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
BEING POPULAR.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE POPULAR?
I'M SITTING IN THE POPULAR TREE.
IT'S CALLED A POPLAR TREE.
MIND HELPING ME DOWN SO I DON'T GET A BOO-BOO?

HEY, GOAT... COME ON IN. I JUST FINISHED SETTING UP OUR NEW CAT SCRATCHING POST.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GOT A CAT.
WE DIDN'T.
THEN WHY'D YOU GET A CAT SCRATCHING POST?
SO OUR FERAL BALLERINA WOULD STOP DESTROYING THE FURNITURE.

I'LL BE GOING HOME NOW.

HEY, ZEBRA,
I THINK I JUST
HEARD
A NOISE
FROM UNDER
YOUR FLOOR.
IT'S THE CROCS.
THEY'VE DISCOVERED
THE CRAWL SPACE.
THEY'RE TRYING TO
USE IT TO GET
INTO THE HOUSE.
HOW DO
YOU KNOW
IT'S THEM?
BECAUSE EVERY TIME
THEY SMASH THEIR
SNOUTS ON THE FLOOR
JOISTS, THEY TRY TO
DISGUISE WHO
THEY ARE.
Whoa. Me is one huge ant.
OH.
Hey...My
snout
really
hurt,
Floyd.
Shut
mout,
Bob. We
is an*s.

WHAT THE #@%* IS THAT AWFUL
PRIMAL SHRIEKING COMING FROM
OUTSIDE? GO OUT THERE AND
MAKE IT STOP.
SHOO,
FERAL BALLERINA,
SHOO!!
FERAL BALLERINAS ARE QUITE
THE MENACE.