Pearls Before Swine | Search

HEY THERE, PIG.. WHY YOU WEARING A MASK?
RAT MADE ME.
WHAT FOR?
HE SAYS STUPIDITY CAN BE CONTAGIOUS.
IT'S A GLOBAL EPIDEMIC.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I AM RIPPING YOU ON YOUR "STEPHAN PASTIS" FACEBOOK PAGE. THEN I AM RIPPING YOU ON YOUR BLOG. THEN I AM RIPPING YOU ON MY FAVORITEST WEB SITE EVER, THE COMICS CURMUDGEON.
WHY?
BECAUSE IT IS FUN. AND BECAUSE THE INTERNET WAS SPECIFICALLY INVENTED SO THAT LIVING BEINGS EVERYWHERE COULD BE ANONYMOUSLY RUDE TO ONE ANOTHER.

CS MESSAGE BOARD
yo, fan221... CAN YOU ALL PLS
u a moron or what? SHUT THE #$*% UP NOW??
No one cares what u think, dude
HEY IDIOT!
WAKE UP
BLOG COMMENTS
Seriously, bro, you take yourself far too seriously
wa
SHUT
SHUT THE
IDIOT!
wa do you
U a total
moron or what
SHUT
Hey...
idiot!
Just shut up
and

GOSH
like you, but
wa
on whether
JERK
SHUT
THE #$*%
Blog comments SHUT
IDIOT
WAKE UP IDIOT
SHUT THE
JERK.SHUT...SHUT...MORON...SHUT... SHUT...SHUT IDIOT...
SHUT...CAN
U WONY
PARTIES
HOUSES BEEN LIVING HEY
can you all
SHUT THE K enjoy the
on whether
K JERK
U can
shut up do u think
Wonder...COMMENTS or shut...wa
you MAK
OR U a
SHUT shut
SHUT THE
just wa on
CAN
IDIOT kwoke
wa kwoke wa
can you all
COMMENTS
or shut U SHUT
HEY
ID
wa Do U
MAK up
SHUT just shut IDIO...SHUT ...u think

HEY THERE, PIG,
WHATCHA DOIN'?
I'VE DECIDED THAT THE
INTERNET IS A BAD PLACE.
EVERYBODY'S MEAN.
SO I'VE CREATED MY
'INTERNET HAPPY BOX.'
WHAT
DOES
IT DO?
WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE THE
INTERNET, ONLY IT'S NOT
HOOKED UP TO ANYTHING
AND YOU CAN'T COMMUNICATE
WITH ANYONE AND IT'S DARK.
I DON'T
THINK THAT'S
REALLY
LIKE THE
INTERNET,
PIG.
WAIT 'TIL I
POST ABOUT
THIS ON THE
MESSAGE BOARDS.
INTERNET
HAPPY
BOX!
INTERNET
HAPPY
BOX!

WHAT ARE YOU RAT?!
THIS NEWSPAPER'S DROPPING THE COMIC "PEARLS."
THEY WANTED ME TO GIVE ONE LAST MESSAGE TO THE READERS
ARRRGH!! IT'S BAD ENOUGH PEARLS DIES 'CAUSE THE NEW BOSS HATES IT, BUT YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORSE BY GIVING IT A 'PITY FINAL STRIP'
YES.
NOW VOTE ON IT AND ENJOY THE FEATURE
THEN WHY NOT DEPTH
OH, AND WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH IT??
WELL, YOU LISTEN, SOME CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM...
YOU ARE NOT FUNNY, YOU ARE NOT CLEVER, YOU ARE UGLY AND YOU SMELL A LITTLE BIT.
WHEN IT COMES WHAT 'GIVEN' WAS TO FILM, WHAT 'FUDGE' PRINT WAS TO CARS... IF YOU WERE A 'BACKSTREET' BOY, YOU'D BE THE ONE WHOSE NAME I CAN'T REMEMBER.
ANYTHING ELSE?
YES I WOULD LIKE TO BE TRANSFERED TO 'PEARLS' WRITER-HAT... WRITING COMIC, AT LEAST BEING CARP PREDICTION
OH, AND YOU THINK YOU'D FIT IN?
OF COURSE I'D FIT IN. WHY WOULDN'T I FIT IN?
THERE'S NO DRINKING IN 'ZIGGY.'
WHAT THE @#%& IS 'ZIGGY'?

I THINK THE ONLY REASON WE ALL HAVE OUR VARIOUS NEUROSES IS THAT WE ALREADY HAVE OUR BASIC NEEDS OF FOOD, WATER AND SECURITY FULFILLED.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT PEOPLE CHASED BY HUNGRY PREDATORS DON'T WORRY ABOUT INNER PEACE.
I MUST BE THE HAPPIEST @#$%*!! GUY ALIVE.
LUCKY!
Hey... Me a bee anty-deepressant.

HI. HOW MUCH FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?
THREE DOLLARS.
THREE DOLLARS? IS THAT JUST FOR ONE CUP OR DO YOU SERVE IT BOTTOMLESS?
BOTTOM-LESS.
COFFEE?
MAYBE I'LL SKIP THE COFFEE.
FINE. I'LL TAKE OFF THE SHIRT, TOO. HAPPY, PAL?

THANKS FOR LETTING ME WATCH YOUR T.V. WHILE MINE IS BEING FIXED, GOAT.
NO PROBLEM, PIG. I HAVE TO RUN ERRANDS TODAY ANYWAYS.
ALRIGHT, SO THIS REMOTE TURNS THE T.V. ON AND OFF. THIS ONE'S FOR THE VOLUME. THIS ONE'S FOR THE CABLE BOX. THIS ONE'S FOR THE STEREO RECEIVER. AND THIS ONE'S FOR THE DVD PLAYER. ANYHOW, HAVE FUN.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
"PEARLS" IS IN THIS NEWSPAPER'S ONLINE COMICS POLL. I FIGURE THAT SINCE THESE THINGS ARE SO OFTEN FILLED WITH BALLOT STUFFING, I MIGHT AS WELL THROW IN A FEW THOUSAND VOTES.
NO NO NO. I DON'T WANT TO WIN THAT WAY.
RELAX. THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
HOW DO YOU KNOW?
BECAUSE YOU HAVE AT LEAST THREE THOUSAND VOTES AGAINST YOU.
YOU LITTLE..
ONE VOTE FOR MARMADUKE. TWO VOTES FOR MARMADUKE.

THIS BANK BAILOUT IS DRIVING ME INSANE. I MEAN, LOOK AT THESE GOLDEN PARACHUTES THEY'RE GIVING TO THESE FIRED C.E.O.s.
AWWW...
THOSE POOR LIL' C.E.O.s.
HOW CAN YOU FEEL SORRY FOR THESE GREEDY IDIOTS?
BECAUSE THE LAST THING YOU WANT WHEN YOU JUMP FROM A PLANE IS HUNDREDS OF POUNDS OF SOLID GOLD FLOATING OVER YOUR HEAD.
LIFE MUST BE TOUGH WHEN YOUR ENTIRE FRAME OF REFERENCE IS A WILE E. COYOTE CARTOON.
OH, AND AVOID THESE THINGS.
THEY HURT.

WHY DO SOME PEOPLE HAVE LESS HAIR THAN OTHERS?
BECAUSE THEY SIN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
A PERSON LOSES ONE HAIR EVERY TIME THEY SIN.
WHY DO YOU TELL HIM--
REPENT!
Check please.

HI, RAT. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?
PROFESSOR BOB. HE'S A TENURED PROFESSOR.
WHAT DOES TENURED MEAN?
IT MEANS HIS UNIVERSITY HAS GIVEN HIM A TEACHING POSITION FOR LIFE, SO NOW HE CAN DO PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING HE WANTS.
OH YEAH? SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO, PROFESSOR BOB?
BLOW SOME [EXPLETIVE] UP.
STAY ON HIS GOOD SIDE.

WHAT'S YOUR LIFE'S DREAM, PIG?
TO BE A MEMBER OF THE 'PINK AVENGERS,' AN ELITE CORPS OF FLYING PIGS WHO SWOOP DOWN FROM THE CLOUDS WHENEVER THEIR HOTLINE ALERTS THEM TO SOMEONE WHO IS CRUSHING THE ASPIRATIONS OF A PIG.
HOW STUPID.

HOW COME WE NEVER GO IN THE BASEMENT?
BECAUSE IT'S DARK AND WE DON'T KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE.
THAT'S STUPID. I'M GOING IN.
I THINK I KNOW WHY OUR AIR-CONDITIONING BILL IS SO HIGH.

RING
RING
RING
RING
HELLO?
Hullo. Dis Pressydent of United State. Me say, No study. Play Wii. School for losers.
HANG UP THE PHONE, LARRY.
Uh oh. Look like Friss Lady have patty mouf.

DO YOU
HAVE A
PRINCIPLE
THAT GUIDES
YOUR LIFE?
YES. ALWAYS
SUSPECT THE
WORST OF
OTHERS. YOU'LL
RARELY BE
DISAPPOINTED.
DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN BE A
LITTLE MORE
POSITIVE?
YES.
ALWAYS
EXPECT
THE BEST
OF OTHERS.
THERE
YOU
GO.
AND WATCH AS
YOUR HOPE IS
CRUSHED LIKE
CRACKERS IN A
FAT MAN'S BED.
NEVER
MIND.
AND THE FAT
MAN IS ANGRY.
AND THE FAT
MAN HAS
A SLEDGEHAMMER.
AND THE FAT
MAN IS YELLING,
'DIE, CRACKERS,
DIE!'

HI. HOW MUCH FOR A CUP OF COFFEE?
TWO BUCKS. BUT YOU CAN GET AS MANY REFILLS AS YOU WANT. IT'S BOTTOMLESS.
OH, GREAT... THEN ONE COFFEE, PLEASE.
MORE PLEASE.

HEY THERE, GOAT...
WHATCHA READING?
THIS INTERNET MESSAGE
BOARD. IT'S ALL ABOUT
"PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
THIS ONE GUY RIPS ON
YOU EVERY DAY.
ON ME??
WHAT FOR?!
HE SAYS YOU'RE A
'BIG, FAT, UNFUNNY,
@#$%*%!'
OH, GREAT. SO THIS
GUY'S GOT NOTHING
BETTER TO DO???
Nope.

Elly Elephant did everything for Henry Hippo.
She cut up his fruit for him.
She bought his clothes.
She made his plane reservations.
She paid the bills.
She moved the lawn.
She did the laundry.
She did the dishes.
And she vacuumed.
And she dusted.
And she made the bed.
One day, Elly Elephant asked Henry Hippo a question, "What do you do for me?"
Stumped, Henry Hippo handed her a corn chip. "I hand you the corn chips," he said.
Elly Elephant suffocated Henry Hippo with the corn chip bag.
WHAT KIND OF ANNIVERSARY CARD IS THIS!?
THE TRADITIONAL KIND.
OH, I TORE A PIECE OF CORN CHIP BAG.

WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THE EYES ARE THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL?
I GUESS THEY'RE LOOKING AT THE BODY LIKE A HOUSE, AND SINCE THE EYES ARE IN FRONT, AND YOU CAN SEE INTO THEM, THEY'RE LIKE THE FRONT WINDOWS OF A HOUSE.
NOW I'M WORRIED.
WHY?
I MIGHT BE SITTING ON THE BACK DOOR.

STEPH! COME QUICK!! FORGET ABOUT MARY NORTH! ONE OF THE KIDS FROM 'CUL DE SAC' JUST SET FIRE TO OUR ********** KITCHEN!!!
FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
OH MY GAND! HEY! KID! CALL 9-1-1!! NOW!!!
9-1-1. WHAT IS YOUR EMERGENCY?
HELLO? HELLO? IS SOMEONE THERE? HELLO?
NEVER LET THE PANTOMIME CHARACTER CALL 9-1-1.

I DON'T GET IT. I ASKED MARY WORTH A QUESTION YESTERDAY AND SHE STILL HASN'T RESPONDED.
SERIAL STRIPS ARE DIFFERENT THAN HUMOR STRIPS, STEPH. THE PACING CAN BE PRETTY SLOW. CONVERSATIONS CAN GO ON FOREVER. AND THEY DON'T END WITH FUNNY PUNCH LINES.
SOUNDS LIKE "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE."
DO YOU MIND?
MOVE, MARY WORTH, MOVE!

MARY WORTH, I'M SO SORRY. RAT NEVER SHOULD HAVE SHOVED YOU IN THE CLOSET. FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU'RE A SERIAL STRIP ICON. ARE YOU GONNA BE OKAY?
WHEN DOES SHE RESPOND?
FOUR MORE STRIPS IF YOU'RE LUCKY.
SEE WHY I SHOVED HER IN THE CLOSET?
TO BE CONTINUED...

"HANDS ACROSS THE COMICS PAGE"
GUYS, I DON'T THINK THIS CHARITY
DRIVE IS GONNA RAISE MONEY FOR
STRUGGLING NEWSPAPERS UNLESS WE
INVOLVE OTHER COMIC STRIPS.
WE DID.
WE INVITED
"MARY WORTH."
WHERE
IS SHE?
I SHOVED HER
IN THE
CLOSET.
WHAT??
WHY?!
I DIDN'T
THINK I
NEEDED A
REASON.
I'D REACT,
BUT I NEED
TO SLOW DOWN
THE STORYLINE.

KUMBAYAA MY LORD KUMBAYAAAA
WHAT THE HECK'S GOING ON HERE?
OH. HI, STEPHAN. IT'S HANDS ACROSS THE COMICS PAGE: WE'RE RAISING MONEY TO SAVE NEWSPAPERS EVERYWHERE.
GUYS, PAPERS AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE.
OH. GOOD, 'CAUSE IF YOU'RE WRONG AND THE COMICS PAGE GOES AWAY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BE A LAWYER AGAIN.
KUMBAYAH MY LORD KUMBAYAAAAAA