Pearls Before Swine | Search

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW OLD PEOPLE SOMETIMES HAVE TENNIS BAULS ON THE BOTTOM OF THEIR WALKERS?
YEAH. SO THEIR WALKERS CAN GLIDE EASIER.
WHY?
WELL, LATELY I'VE BEEN PLAYING A LOT OF TENNIS AND EVERY TIME I HIT THE BAU IN THE NEARBY IVY, I THINK I KNOW RIGHT WHERE IT IS, AND I GO AND LOOK AND IT'S NOT THERE.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU THINK--
THOSE GEEZERS ARE STEALING MY TENNIS BAULS!!!
PLEASE. PLEASE. STOP TALKING.
I'LL BET THEY HIDE OVERNIGHT IN THE IVY AND WAIT...

WHY DO YOU HAVE A FAKE OLYMPIC MEDAL AROUND YOUR NECK?
I'M TRAINING. AND THE MEDAL'S FOR INSPIRATION.
"BEING FAT ON THE COUCH" IS NOT AN OLYMPIC EVENT.
YOU'VE KILLED A DREAM.

HEY, MOM. WHERE'S DAD?
I KICKED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE. I COULDN'T TAKE HIM ANYMORE.
KICKED HIM OUT? HOW CAN YOU DO THAT? WHERE WILL HE STAY?
WHO KNOWS? ALL I KNOW IS HE DIDN'T SEEM WORRIED ABOUT IT... HE SAID TOUGH GUYS LIKE HIM ALWAYS LAND ON THEIR FEET.
BUT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE A PAJAMA PARTY.

WHAT'S WITH THE TAMBOURINE, DAD?
Me writing song for you mudder. Geet me out of doghouse me een seence Valentine's Day feaseco. Song tell her how unique she ees.
OH, WOW, DAD... WOMEN LOVE THAT... WHAT'S IT CALLED?
'Woomun, you not normal.'
MAYBE WE COULD REPHRASE THAT.
Hmm. How 'bout, 'Woomun, peese seek profusunal help'.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, DAD?
Woonum mad. barry screw up Valentine Day or someting.
MAKE IT UP TO HER... COMPLIMENT HER FOR NO REASON.
For no reason, me tink you not fat.
So much for you help.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, LARRY! I GOT YOU ONE OF THOSE BEER MUGS YOU WANTED.
DO YOU LIKE IT?
Larry... PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU FORGOT THAT TODAY WAS VALENTINE'S DAY.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME NOW AND DON'T HAVE TO RUSH OUT ON A SUNDAY MORNING WHEN THE STORES ARE CLOSED, EVENTUALLY ENDING UP AT A GROCERY STORE WHERE YOU BUY ME CHEAP FLOWERS GIFT-WRAPPED IN CLEAR CELLAPHANE WITH THE PRICE TAG STILL ON THEM.
Happy Valentine's Day.
It gonna be hard change channels now.

HOW'S YOUR COUSIN WHO TRIES TO HUNT BY HANGING FROM A TREE?
NOT GOOD. HE CAN'T GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO ANYTHING TO KILL IT.
WHAT'S HE GONNA DO?
TRY A DIFFERENT MARKETING APPROACH.
FREE VALENTINE'S DAY SNUGGLES

HI, JENNY JELLYFISH. WHATCHA DOING?
I'M MAKING A VALENTINES DAY CARD FOR YOU.
THAT'S SO SWEET! BUT I THOUGHT JELLYFISH HAD NO HEART.
WE DON'T, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T TRY TO PUT TOGETHER A NICE CARD FOR YOU. HERE... HAVE A LOOK.
I FEEL NOTHING.
I AM SO TOUCHED.
GREAT. IS THE HOLIDAY OVER YET?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M WATCHING "MILLION DOLLAR BABY" WITH MY NEW FRIEND, JENNY JENNYFISH. THE END OF IT MAKES ME CRY EVERY TIME.
HOW COME JENNY'S NOT CRYING?
JELLYFISH HAVE NO HEART.
I GIVE UP.
DO I LAUGH HERE?
NO, NO. SHE JUST DIED.

YOU EVER NOTICE HOW POTATO CHIP BAGS HAVE THIS LIL' DOTTED LINE AND "TEAR HERE" WRITTEN ON THE PACKAGE?
YEAH, THAT'S SO WE KNOW HOW TO RIP IT OPEN. WHY?
BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND PIGITA JUST BROKE UP WITH ME.
SO?
SO I THINK I MUST HAVE ONE OF THOSE PRINTED OVER MY HEART.
HAVE A BEER, BUDDY.
WAIT. THAT'S JUST A MOLE.

YO. WASSUP?
NOTHING.
HOW 'BOUT A MAN HUG?
NO.
HUNTING'S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS.

HEY, MAX AND ZACH. WHERE'VE YOU BEEN?
AKRON... VISITING RELATIVES. WHAT A PAIN A PRIDE CAN BE. THEY EVEN MADE US BRING ONE OF OUR COUSINS BACK WITH US.
OH, YEAH? WHO?
HIS NAME'S 'LUCKY.' OUR FAMILY DIDN'T WANT HIM... MOSTLY BECAUSE OF HIS HUNTING STYLE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIS HUNTING STYLE?
CLOSER... C-L-O-O-O-O-O-S-E-R.

HEY, STEPH, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
MY FATHER-IN-LAW DIED.
I'M SO SORRY.
OH, MAN, PIG. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED HIM.
HIS NAME WAS RICK DANIELS. AND UNLIKE ME, HE HAS THIS UNBELIEVABLE OPTIMISM. HE ALWAYS TRIED TO SEE THE BEST IN EVERYTHING.
REALLY?
REALLY. I MEAN, HE WAS SO FILLED WITH LOVE, IT'S LIKE ALL HE WANTED WAS TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY. IN TEACHING YOU, HE EVEN ANSWERED THE DUMBEST PHONE HAPPY.
HE D ID?
YEAH. AND NOW HE'S GONE. AND I SIT AND I WONDER...WHERE DID HE GO? WHERE IS ALL THAT LOVE? WHERE IS ALL THAT ACCEPTANCE... WHERE IS RICK?
HE'S THERE.
HEY, I'VE GOT MORE HAPPINESS WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE IN ICELAND BELIEVE IN ELVES?
THAT CAN'T BE TRUE.
IT IS. THEY BELIEVE THAT EACH HOUSE HAS ITS OWN ELF, WHO ONLY GOES OUTSIDE WHEN THE ENERGY IN THE HOUSE BECOMES TOO NEGATIVE.
THAT'S GOTTA BE THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

WHERE IS RAT TODAY?
AT A RECORDING STUDIO. AFTER LISTENING TO THE BEATLES 'WHITE ALBUM,' HE FIGURES HE CAN RECORD SONGS JUST LIKE THEIRS WITHOUT ACTUALLY RIPPING THEM OFF.
OH, PLEASE. HOW IN THE WORLD IS HE GONNA WRITE ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE TO A BEATLES SONG?
NUMBER EIGHT.
NUMBER EIGHT.
NUMBER EIGHT.
NUMBER EIGHT.
NUMBER EIGHT...
NUMBER EIGHT...

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
THE BEATLES' WHITE ALBUM. I JUST GOT IT. IT'S GREAT.
WHY DO YOU LIKE IT SO MUCH?
BECAUSE USUALLY WHEN I GET AN ALBUM, I HAVE TO PROGRAM OUT THE BAD SONGS ON MY iPOD. BUT ON THIS, EVERY SONG I'VE HEARD HAS BEEN SO GREAT THAT I--
NUMBER NINE.
NUMBER NINE.
NUMBER NINE.
NUMBER NINE.
NUMBER NINE.
NEVER MIND.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
THE COMICS IN THIS PAPER HAVE BEEN SHRUNK TO THE POINT OF NEAR-ILLEGIBILITY. YOU CAN'T SEE ANY OF THE NUANCES OF THE ART.
SO?
SO WHY SHOULD ANY OF THE BETTER CARTOONISTS BOTHER TO DRAW ELABORATE ART? NOW A GUY CAN GET AWAY WITH BEING A TOTALLY INCOMPETENT ARTIST.
GOOD NEWS.

THANKS FOR INVITING US OVER, TIMMY AND TAMMY SWAN. IT'S ALWAYS SO SPECIAL BEING WITH TWO BIRDS WHO HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR LIFE.
WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT IT? I MEAN, TAMMY AND I LOVE EACH OTHER AND ALL, BUT ALL BIRDS MATE FOR LIFE.
NO, THEY DON'T. OTHER BIRDS HAVE NUMEROUS PARTNERS.
DON'T WAIT UP.

HOW COME YOU DON'T DRAW BICYCLES IN YOUR STRIP?
BECAUSE I CAN'T DRAW BICYCLES. AND YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT.
HEE HEE HEE, LOOK AT ME! ON A BICYCLE!
THE #$^%? WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?!
I CUT IT OUT FROM A "BABY BLUES" STRIP...YOU THOUGHT RICK KIRKMAN'D GUY...HE CAN DRAW BIKES.
YOU CAN'T TAKE ART FROM OTHER COMIC STRIPS! YOU'LL GET SUED!
YOU'LL GET SUED. I'M FICTIONAL.
RICK KIRKMAN ON LINE TWO...
AND HE'S GOT A POTTY MOUTH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I'M TRYING TO WATCH "GONE WITH THE WIND," BUT IT'S INTERRUPTED BY TONS OF COMMERCIALS FOR THIS GUY'S USED CAR LOT.
OH YEAH... THAT'S THAT CHINESE GUY, FRANK LEE.
YEAH, I KNOW. AND APPARENTLY, HE LOVES THE HOOVER DAM.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
IF YOU BRING IN A MINIATURE MODEL OF THE HOOVER DAM, HE'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT ON YOUR CAR. "IF YOU BRING US A DAM... WE'LL GIVE YOU A CAR."
THAT'S ODD. CAN ANYONE GET THE DISCOUNT?
NO. HIS BIG NEW GIMMICK IS FIGHTING DI SEASE. YOU CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE OFFER. IT'S EVEN PART OF HIS NEW SLOGAN.
WHICH IS WHAT?
"FRANK LEE'S CAR LOT... HIGH? DON'T GIVE A DAM."
"FRANK LEE" SLOGAN.
"FRANKLY, MY DEAR, WE DON'T GIVE A DAM."
FIRST OFF, IT'S "FRANKLY, MY DEAR." NOT "FRANKLY, SCARLETT."
SHHH...NO ONE WILL NOTICE.

WHERE'S THE DRAMA COW?
ON HER WAY OUT THE FRONT DOOR. I GOOGLED YAKS AND NINJA, AND LEARNED THAT APPARENTLY THEY LIKE COWS OVER THERE, SO I EXTRADITED HER THERE TO GET HER OUT OF OUR HAIR.
REALLY? HOW'D YOU LEARN ALL THAT?
I JUST SAID 'GOOGLE'... GOOOGE? GOOLGE? GOOOGLE? GOGOLE?
KEEL DA GOOGLE
NEW, NOW THERE'S A SCENE YOU DON'T FIND IN 'HÄGGLöIS'.
GET SOME HELP, STEPH.
HEY, LET'S SEE YOU END FOUR STORYLINES IN ONE STRIP.

BAD NEWS, SIR. THE STATE
DEPARTMENT HAS ORDERED
ME TO CEASE MY PURSUIT
OF DRAMA COW.

REALLY?
WHY?

DRAMA COW HAS SOUGHT ASYLUM IN
A FOREIGN COUNTRY. MY ONLY HOPE
NOW IS THAT THE FOREIGN COUNTRY
WILL CHOOSE TO EXTRADITE HER.

GET OUT. NOW.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING, LARRY?
We is heli-crocs. We geet
technolagy from keety kat.
Mikey here is fly over
zeeba house and blow up
wid han grenade.
DOES MIKEY
KNOW HOW
TO USE
A HAND
GRENADE?
Yeah. Me
tell heem.
Right, Mikey?
You juss
pull peen.
HA
HA.
Me
know.
Me
know.
BOOM
Forgat to tell heem
throw it.
Ohhhhh.
Me having
bad
day.

STORY UPDATE: Larry has sat for weeks with a rare Socorro Mockingbird on his head. A group of birdwatchers now follows Larry's every move
IS THAT REALLY A SOCORRO, DAD?
YES, SON, AND THERE ARE ONLY FIFTY IN THE WORLD.
BUT IS HE SAFE UP THERE, DAD?
OH, YES, SON. HIGH UP OFF THE GROUND, HE'S PROTECTED FROM ALL HIS NATURAL PREDATORS, SUCH AS CATS AND--
CRUNCH CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP
LOOKS LIKE CATS HAVE ADAPTED, DAD.
IN YOUR FACE, FREAKY BIRD PEOPLE!

I'M SURPRISED YOU COULD GET
SNUFFLES THE CAT TO BE A
HELICATTY AND ATTACK DRAMA
COW. I THOUGHT HE WAS STILL
BITTER ABOUT YOU CHOOSING
YOUR GIRLFRIEND AURA OVER
HIM LAST YEAR.
OH, THAT'S
BEHIND US
NOW...CATS
CAN BE
PRETTY
FORGIVING.
YOU MAY
HAVE A
POINT.
THERE MAY STILL BE
SOME LINGERING
FEELINGS.