Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM NOW THE HONORABLE RAT, JUDGE OF THE UNIVERSE.
YOU? A JUDGE? YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A JUDGE IS.
SURE I DO. EVERYTHING I SAY IS RIGHT. AND IF ANYONE DISAGREES WITH ME, I CAN POUND ‘EM IN THE HEAD WITH MY HAMMER.
IT’S CALLED A GAVEL.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE NEEDS A POUNDING.

Danny Donkey hated people.
So he turned them into beers.
Work got better.
As did church.
As did the neighborhood.
One day, Danny Donkey was approached by Billy E.Hatergh. "Nice job turning people into beers, Danny Donkey, for you will find that by turning all the people into beers, you will be missing what's truly important in life."
Danny Donkey looked at what he had done. And realized she was right.
And turned her into a bag of pretzels.
NOW I REALLY DO HAVE EVERYTHING, EXCLAIMED DANNY.
Please don't turn my characters into pretzels, Poundstone.
OOOH!! CAN I BE A DONUT?

WOW. LOOK AT HER… SHE'S ATTRACTIVE.
I'M SORRY... DID YOU SAY I'M ATTRACTIVE? BECAUSE I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.
WHOA. IF YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE, YOU CAN'T BE THAT ATTRACTIVE.
NOW I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.
NOW I FIND MYSELF CONFUSED.
NOW I FIND MYSELF ANOTHER BARSTOOL.

PIG, WHY DID YOU BUILD A FORT OUT OF MY JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH ALBUMS?
SHHH...I'M TRYING TO THINK, BUT THEY'RE RIGHT. IT'S NOT
WORKING...LET ME STEP OUTSIDE.
WHO'S RIGHT? ABOUT WHAT?
THOSE WHO SAY IT'S BEST TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BACHS.
I, FOR ONE, AM ROOTING FOR YOUR UNTIMELY DEATH.

DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL FOR A CARTOONIST TO MENTION A BRAND NAME PRODUCT IN HIS COMIC STRIP IN HOPES THAT THE COMPANY WOULD SHIP HIM FREE SAMPLES?
WELL, MAYBE NOT ILLEGAL, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY...
SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER!
...UNETHICAL.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE STANDING BY THE MAILBOX.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
A MAGAZINE ON MODEL TRAINS. I THINK I'M GONNA BUILD MY OWN TRAIN LAYOUT.
OH, YEAH? I USED TO DO THAT. STANDARD GAUGE OR NARROW? "O" SCALE? "G" SCALE? "S" SCALE?
ONE THAT GOES "CHOO CHOO."

IN MEDIEVAL TIMES, WHY DID THEY SOMETIMES CONFINE PEOPLE IN STOCKS?
TO PUNISH THEM FOR SERIOUS CRIMES LIKE DESERTION FROM THE ARMY OR LARCENY.
NOT FOR HAVING A LARGE BUTT THAT CONTINUALLY SMOOSHES THE REMOTE SO DEEP BETWEEN THE SOFA CUSHIONS THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN EVER FIND IT?
NO.
SEE?
SILENCE, YE OF THE BIG BUTT.
I'M NOT SEEING THIS.

Dear Diary,
Today I fell into the laundry basket. When I came out, I was Gym Sock Nose Guy. My mission: Harness my superhero powers to defeat the forces of intolerance.
LEAVE, SMELLY.
NO.
Score one for the good guys.

THUD
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE, YOU STUPID PIG?
I'VE... FALLEN INTO THE LAUNDRY BASKET.
WELL THEN GET OUT.
I'D LIKE TO, BUT... OH, NO.
OH, NO WHAT?
WHAT?
I'D... I'VE BEEN BITTEN BY... SOME SORT OF... LAUNDRY BUG.
YOU WHAT?
I... I'M... FEELING WEAK... NOT MYSELF... OH, GAHD, WHAT IS HAPPENING... I AM... I AM...
GYM SOCK NOSE GUY!
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T ACCEPT STORYLINES FROM PIG.
UH OH... EPISODE TWO: THE TRIUMPH OF THE SMELWINESS.

I'M SORRY, RAT, BUT WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE EMPTY "POP-TARTS" BOX BACK IN THE CUPBOARD AFTER YOU TAKE THE LAST ONE?
SO THE "POP-TART" FAIRY WILL REFILL IT.
SO THAT'S HOW THEY GET IN THERE.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME USE YOUR COMPUTER WHILE MINE IS BROKEN, GOAT.
NO PROBLEM, PIG.
HEY... WANNA SEE A PICTURE OF A CUTE LITTLE EARTH- WORM DRESSED LIKE AN ANCIENT SOLDIER?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS E-MAIL... IT SAYS IT CONTAINS A 'TROJAN WORM'.
PIG, DON'T!
MY FILES...
SINCE WHEN IS 'HARD DRIVE' ERASED A PICTURE OF AN EARTHWORM?

ZEBRA! ZEBRA! I TOLD GUARD DUCK ABOUT THE CROCS IN YOUR HOUSE AND HE GOT RID OF THEM! THEY'RE GONE! THEY'RE GONE!
I HAVE MY HOUSE BACK?!
THAT'S SORTA GONE, TOO.
HEY. TOMAHAWK MISSILES ARE NOT SURGEONS' SCALPELS.

WHAT IS ZEBRA DOING IN MY LIVING ROOM?
I TOLD HIM HE COULD STAY THERE. DON'T WORRY. I GAVE HIM ALL THE HOUSE RULES ABOUT NOT USING ALL THE HOT WATER, NOT EATING YOUR CHEESE POOFS AND MAKING MORE COFFEE IF HE FINISHES THE POT.
OH...WELL, THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT I THINK YOU FORGOT THIS ONE...MIND GIVING IT TO HIM?
OH, SURE.
'GET OUT OR I PUMMEL YOUR HEAD.'
HERE. HIDE IN THE CLOSET.

Okays. Okays. So far we is trash zebra house. Whuh we do now?
Cost zeeba monies? CALL CHINA!!
HAHAHA DAT GREAT IDEA!
HEY CHINA!!
Dat no right China, Larry.
Yeah... How dis cost heem monies?

Okay... Wees finally in zeeba house... Whuh we do now?
KEEL ZEEBA
Zeeba no here, Larry.
KEEL BOB!
Dis last time YOU geet peegyback ride.
Hey, me juss brainstorming, Bob.

HEY, STEPH, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?
SURE, PIG... ANYTHING.
I DON'T NORMALLY DO THIS, BUT I SORTA THOUGHT OF A NEW CHARACTER FOR THE STRIP AND I WANTED TO SEE IF YOU LIKED IT.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT, PIG. I CAN ALWAYS USE A NEW CHARACTER. WHO IS IT?
WELL, SEE, HE'S A SUPERHERO... AND HE'S VERY TOUGH.
OH, YEAH? LIKE A REAL TOUGH GUY?
OHH, YEAH. AND HE'S VERY SOPHISTICATED AND HANDSOME. AND WOMEN LOVE HIM.
A LADIES MAN, HUH?... WHAT'S HIS NAME?
GYM SOCK NOSE GUY.
I THINK SOMEONE FAR FAR AWAY IS CRAVING FOR HELP.
IT'S A GYM! IT'S A SOCK! IT'S GYM SOCK NOSE GUY!

YOU GOTTA LET ME STAY HERE, RAT. THE CROWS HAVE TAKEN OVER MY HOUSE. I HAVE NOWHERE TO LIVE...C'MON...WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?
YOU'VE STUMPED ME.
IT'S NOT A QUIZ, RAT! I'M JUST ASKING YOU FOR A FAVOR!
DOING FAVORS FOR FRIENDS IS LIKE GIVING BON BONS TO FAT PEOPLE. THEY JUST WANT MORE.
YOU'RE GONNA DO NOTHING AND JUST LET ME SLEEP ON THE STREET?
THAT SOUNDS HARSH. I'LL DRIVE BY AND WAVE.
OH, JOY.
WAIT...I'M BUSY LATER. LET ME GIVE IT TO YOU NOW.

RAT! THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME. I NEED A PLACE TO STAY... THE CROWS FLEW THROUGH A SKYLIGHT INTO MY HOUSE.
WHERE YOU LOOKING TO STAY?
I WAS HOPING HERE.
OH. NEW, THIS IS THE DIKEMBE MUTOMBO FINGER WAG... IT MEANS, "GET THAT WEAK CRAP OUT OF HERE."
IS THAT A NO?
AND THIS IS THE RAT HIGH FIVE. IT MEANS, "WHOA, YOU'RE NOT AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK."
HEY. DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING.

CREEEEAK
CRAAAAAACK
CREEEEEEEK
CRACK
CRASH
Me tole you skylight have weight leemit.

HEY, ZEBRA, WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE? I WAS READING AND EVERYTHING WENT DARK.
I'M LATE FOR SOMETHING.

DUDE... WHAT'S WITH THE BAG ON YOUR HEAD?
PRIVACY. I'M TRYING TO PRESERVE A LITTLE OF IT.
THAT'S STUPID. I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE.
YEAH, WELL MAYBE YOU'RE NOT THE REASON.
Censorsheep!!
Censorsheep!!

HEY THERE, ZEBRA...
I HEARD YOU GOT A NEW SKYLIGHT...
CAN I COME IN AND SEE IT?
SURE, PIG.
BUT I'M GETTING RID OF IT.
GETTING RID OF IT? WHY??
Is like very own 'Food Channel.'
No drool on screen, Bob.

HEY, RAT. IT'S ME, GOAT.
AHHH...WHAT'S YOUR STUPID FACE DOING ON PIG'S NEW COMPUTER?
IT'S 'CHAT'...IT'S A VIDEO-PHONE.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE YOUR DUMB FACE WHEN WE TALK? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICE.
AW, DON'T BE SUCH A MISANTHROPE...HEY, WHAT KIND OF BEER IS THAT?
WHAT KIND OF—YOU CAN SEE ME?
OF COURSE I CAN! IT'S A VIDEOPHONE.
AAAUUUGH!!! GET OUT OF MY @#$%& HOUSE!!
HEY HEY HEY...CALM DOWN...JUST TERMINATE THE CALL IF YOU DON'T—
IT BROKE.

HEY, RAT... DID YOU SEE FRED, MY NEW WALKING STICK INSECT? HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE THE BRANCHES AROUND HIM.
WHOA. THAT’S WEIRD, DUDE.
OH. WAIT A MINUTE... HEE HEE HEE... THAT’S JUST A STICK I GAVE YOU.
HEH HEH... YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT.
...NO... NO... THAT IS FRED.
WAS FRED.
Medic.

ALRIGHT, PIG... YOU READY TO TRY THE VIDEO PHONE?
YEAH, LEMME JUST
FIND WHERE THE
CAMERA IS, SO I
CAN GET MY FACE
IN FRONT OF IT...
LET'S SEE, IS THAT
IT OVER —
AAAAHHHH
... THERE?
IN THE MONITOR,
PIG... IT'S IN THE
MONITOR.