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EXCUSE ME, STEPH, BUT MAY I USE TODAY'S STRIP TO SEND A KIND MESSAGE TO ALL THE WONDERFUL MANUFACTURERS OF FINE PRODUCTS THAT COME IN NEAT LITTLE ENCASED PLASTIC PACKAGES?
SURE, WHAT?
WE CAN'T &#%@!-ING OPEN THEM!!!
I WOULD'VE USED MY NEW MEGAPHONE, BUT I COULDN'T OPEN THE PACKAGE.

SO DO YOU REALLY KNOW HOW TO PLAY CHESS, PIG?
OF COURSE I KNOW HOW.
THEN WHY ARE YOU CIRCLING YOUR PIECE AROUND THE BOARD?
BECAUSE BAMBI'S LOOKING FOR HIS MOTHER.
THEY'RE HORSES, NOT DEER, AND MY BISHOP KILLED THE OTHER ONE.
YOU KILLED BAMBI'S MOTHER??!!

WHAT YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
THE TOWEL ROLL O' EVIL. A GIANT PAPER TOWEL ROLL WHERE I KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE BACKSTABBERS AND CONNIVERS WHO HAVE DONE ME WRONG IN LIFE.
BUT NOT EVERYONE IN LIFE IS A BACKSTABBER OR A CONNIVER. SOME PEOPLE ARE LOVING AND HELPFUL. WHERE DO YOU KEEP THEIR NAMES?
THE TOOTSIE ROLL O' KINDNESS.

HELLO. I'M R. RUTHERFORD SHRIMP, FOUNDER OF SHRIMPS FOR A BETTER FUTURE, AND I'M CIRCULATING A PETITION TO BAN THE CONSUMPTION OF SHRIMP ON THE GROUND THAT WE ARE LIVING BEINGS WITH RIGHTS THAT MUST BE RESPECTED.
THEN WHY ON EARTH DO THEY EAT YOU?
SIMPLY BECAUSE WE ARE TASTY.
HE HAD ME UP TO TASTY.

THE NOBEL PRIZE IS A JOKE... I MEAN, WHY THE @#$% DON'T I HAVE ONE YET?
YOU KNOW, RAT, YOUR EGO IS OUT OF CONTROL. YOU EVER HEARD OF HUMILITY?
YES. HUMILITY IS WHAT YOU STRIVE FOR WHEN YOU'VE FAILED AT EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'VE ACHIEVED SOMETHING!!
THAT'S NOT IT.
FINE. YOU'VE STUMPED ME.

HULLOOOO, ZEEBA NEIGHBO. LEESTEN. WE CROCS LEERL TIDE YOU ATTREEVEE.
YEAH, WELL, I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU TOO.
YEAH, WELL, WE HATE YOU MORE. SO EEDER YOU IS CHANGE OR LARRY HERE WRITE TELL-ALL BOOK ABOUT YOU AND YOU STOOOPID FACE.
YEAH, WELL I SUGGEST YOU GET A GHOST WRITER BECAUSE NONE OF YOU CROCS IS SMART ENOUGH TO READ A BOOK, MUCH LESS WRITE A BOOK.
OHHHH, WE NO SMAR ENOUGH, HUH? WELL, DAT EEAXK KIND OF RUDENESS WE IS TALK ABOUT EEN BOOK. RIGHT, LARRY?
BOO.
DAT NO WHAT GHOST WRITER IS, LARRY.
GUD. CAUSE IT HARD TO WRITE WID SHEET ON, HEH BOB.

YOU KNOW, PIG, YOU'RE REALLY STUPID... EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS WRONG.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
EHHH... FORGET ABOUT IT... THAT'S JUST THE BEER TALKING... I BETTER STOP DRINKING AND TAKE OFF... I'LL SEE YA LATER...
DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M STUPID?

AND CAN I
BRING YOU
ANYTHING TO
EAT BEFORE
YOUR PASTA?
YES... I
WOULD LIKE
SOME
ANTIPASTIS.
IT'S "ANTIPASTO", SIR,
NOT "ANTIPASTIS"!
HE KNOWS.
I
APOLOGIZE,
MR.
PASTIS.
WHAT GOOD
IS FOOD IF
IT WON'T
ATTACK YOUR
FRIEND?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I THINK I'D LIKE TO SEND BACK THE PASTA I ORDERED.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
IT'S FIGHTING WITH THE ANTIPASTA.
Die, salami boy.
OH NO YOU DON'T, NOODLE NOSE.
THEY'RE MORTAL ENEMIES.
In your FACE, pasta.

I, THE HONORABLE RAT, JUDGE OF THE UNIVERSE, HEREBY RELEASE MY LIST OF "THE TOP SEVEN THINGS WHOSE APPEAL I DO NOT GET"...
1) PRO WRESTLING
2) CONVERSING WITH PEOPLE
3) OPERA
4) OFFICE BIRTHDAY PARTIES
5) NON-ALCOHOLIC BEER
6) BIRTHDAYS
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING WHOSE APPEAL I DO NOT GET...
THE COMIC STRIP "PEARLS BEFORE SWINE"
YOU MIND?
"PEA BEFORE SWINE?"
I DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.

ALL RISE. RAT, THE HONORABLE JUDGE OF THE UNIVERSE, IS NOW PRESIDING, WITH A JUDGEMENT ON THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE OF OUR AGE.
WHAT NOW?
I HEREBY DECREE THAT ANYONE GAINING THIRTY OR MORE POUNDS MUST - AND I MEAN MUST - UPDATE THEIR "FACEBOOK" PHOTO.
THAT'S THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE OF OUR AGE ?
IT'S VERY ANNOYING.
WILL THERE BE PRISON TIME INVOLVED?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I AM NOW THE HONORABLE RAT, JUDGE OF THE UNIVERSE.
YOU? A JUDGE? YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A JUDGE IS.
SURE I DO. EVERYTHING I SAY IS RIGHT. AND IF ANYONE DISAGREES WITH ME, I CAN POUND ‘EM IN THE HEAD WITH MY HAMMER.
IT’S CALLED A GAVEL.
SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE NEEDS A POUNDING.

Danny Donkey hated people.
So he turned them into beers.
Work got better.
As did church.
As did the neighborhood.
One day, Danny Donkey was approached by Billy E.Hatergh. "Nice job turning people into beers, Danny Donkey, for you will find that by turning all the people into beers, you will be missing what's truly important in life."
Danny Donkey looked at what he had done. And realized she was right.
And turned her into a bag of pretzels.
NOW I REALLY DO HAVE EVERYTHING, EXCLAIMED DANNY.
Please don't turn my characters into pretzels, Poundstone.
OOOH!! CAN I BE A DONUT?

WOW. LOOK AT HER… SHE'S ATTRACTIVE.
I'M SORRY... DID YOU SAY I'M ATTRACTIVE? BECAUSE I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.
WHOA. IF YOU FIND ME ATTRACTIVE, YOU CAN'T BE THAT ATTRACTIVE.
NOW I FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.
NOW I FIND MYSELF CONFUSED.
NOW I FIND MYSELF ANOTHER BARSTOOL.

PIG, WHY DID YOU BUILD A FORT OUT OF MY JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH ALBUMS?
SHHH...I'M TRYING TO THINK, BUT THEY'RE RIGHT. IT'S NOT
WORKING...LET ME STEP OUTSIDE.
WHO'S RIGHT? ABOUT WHAT?
THOSE WHO SAY IT'S BEST TO THINK OUTSIDE THE BACHS.
I, FOR ONE, AM ROOTING FOR YOUR UNTIMELY DEATH.

DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL FOR A CARTOONIST TO MENTION A BRAND NAME PRODUCT IN HIS COMIC STRIP IN HOPES THAT THE COMPANY WOULD SHIP HIM FREE SAMPLES?
WELL, MAYBE NOT ILLEGAL, BUT IT'S CERTAINLY...
SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER! SIERRA NEVADA BEER!
...UNETHICAL.
IF YOU NEED ME, I'LL BE STANDING BY THE MAILBOX.

WHAT ARE YOU READING, PIG?
A MAGAZINE ON MODEL TRAINS. I THINK I'M GONNA BUILD MY OWN TRAIN LAYOUT.
OH, YEAH? I USED TO DO THAT. STANDARD GAUGE OR NARROW? "O" SCALE? "G" SCALE? "S" SCALE?
ONE THAT GOES "CHOO CHOO."

IN MEDIEVAL TIMES, WHY DID THEY SOMETIMES CONFINE PEOPLE IN STOCKS?
TO PUNISH THEM FOR SERIOUS CRIMES LIKE DESERTION FROM THE ARMY OR LARCENY.
NOT FOR HAVING A LARGE BUTT THAT CONTINUALLY SMOOSHES THE REMOTE SO DEEP BETWEEN THE SOFA CUSHIONS THAT NO ONE ELSE CAN EVER FIND IT?
NO.
SEE?
SILENCE, YE OF THE BIG BUTT.
I'M NOT SEEING THIS.

Dear Diary,
Today I fell into the laundry basket. When I came out, I was Gym Sock Nose Guy. My mission: Harness my superhero powers to defeat the forces of intolerance.
LEAVE, SMELLY.
NO.
Score one for the good guys.

THUD
WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE, YOU STUPID PIG?
I'VE... FALLEN INTO THE LAUNDRY BASKET.
WELL THEN GET OUT.
I'D LIKE TO, BUT... OH, NO.
OH, NO WHAT?
WHAT?
I'D... I'VE BEEN BITTEN BY... SOME SORT OF... LAUNDRY BUG.
YOU WHAT?
I... I'M... FEELING WEAK... NOT MYSELF... OH, GAHD, WHAT IS HAPPENING... I AM... I AM...
GYM SOCK NOSE GUY!
THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T ACCEPT STORYLINES FROM PIG.
UH OH... EPISODE TWO: THE TRIUMPH OF THE SMELWINESS.

I'M SORRY, RAT, BUT WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE EMPTY "POP-TARTS" BOX BACK IN THE CUPBOARD AFTER YOU TAKE THE LAST ONE?
SO THE "POP-TART" FAIRY WILL REFILL IT.
SO THAT'S HOW THEY GET IN THERE.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME USE YOUR COMPUTER WHILE MINE IS BROKEN, GOAT.
NO PROBLEM, PIG.
HEY... WANNA SEE A PICTURE OF A CUTE LITTLE EARTH- WORM DRESSED LIKE AN ANCIENT SOLDIER?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS E-MAIL... IT SAYS IT CONTAINS A 'TROJAN WORM'.
PIG, DON'T!
MY FILES...
SINCE WHEN IS 'HARD DRIVE' ERASED A PICTURE OF AN EARTHWORM?

ZEBRA! ZEBRA! I TOLD GUARD DUCK ABOUT THE CROCS IN YOUR HOUSE AND HE GOT RID OF THEM! THEY'RE GONE! THEY'RE GONE!
I HAVE MY HOUSE BACK?!
THAT'S SORTA GONE, TOO.
HEY. TOMAHAWK MISSILES ARE NOT SURGEONS' SCALPELS.

WHAT IS ZEBRA DOING IN MY LIVING ROOM?
I TOLD HIM HE COULD STAY THERE. DON'T WORRY. I GAVE HIM ALL THE HOUSE RULES ABOUT NOT USING ALL THE HOT WATER, NOT EATING YOUR CHEESE POOFS AND MAKING MORE COFFEE IF HE FINISHES THE POT.
OH...WELL, THAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, BUT I THINK YOU FORGOT THIS ONE...MIND GIVING IT TO HIM?
OH, SURE.
'GET OUT OR I PUMMEL YOUR HEAD.'
HERE. HIDE IN THE CLOSET.

Okays. Okays. So far we is trash zebra house. Whuh we do now?
Cost zeeba monies? CALL CHINA!!
HAHAHA DAT GREAT IDEA!
HEY CHINA!!
Dat no right China, Larry.
Yeah... How dis cost heem monies?