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PIG, IT'S ME, PIED PIPER-RAT... LISTEN... I STARTED PLAYING SOME SCHLOCKY POP HITS FROM THE 70S AND I GOT SOME PEOPLE TO FOLLOW ME OUT OF TOWN, BUT NOW I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM...
WELL, GEE, HERE IN THE PIED PIPER STORY, HE LEADS THE RATS INTO A RIVER, AND THEY DROWN.
BAD NEWS, BARRY MANILOW-LOVERS...

DID YOU HEAR RATS TURNED INTO THE PIED PIPER-RAT? HE'S PLAYING A TUNE TO LEAD THE STUPID PEOPLE OUT OF TOWN...
YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING...HE HASN'T GOTTEN ANYONE TO FOLLOW HIM, HAS HE?

HEY, GOAT, DO YOU KNOW THE STORY OF THE PIED PIPER?
THE GUY WHO SAVED THE PEOPLE OF HIS TOWN FROM RATS BY PLAYING A TUNE AND LURING THE RATS OUT OF TOWN?
ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT THE STORY OF A RAT WHO SAVES HIS NEIGHBORHOOD BY PLAYING A TUNE AND LEADING OUT THE NEIGHBORS HE THINKS ARE STUPID?
YEAH... WHY?
GET OFF MY LAWN, RAT.
FOCUS ON THE MUSIC, NEIGHBOR BOB.

BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLADIPITY
BLAH BLAH BLAH
BLAH BLAH
WHY DO PEOPLE LEAVE SUCH LONG MESSAGES?
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE WORLD... JUST SAY YOUR NAME AND PHONE NUMBER.
HECK, I DON'T EVEN WANT YOUR PHONE NUMBER, BECAUSE IF I DON'T KNOW IT, I PROBABLY DON'T KNOW YOU, AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
AND IF I DO KNOW YOU, I STILL DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
KA-THUNK
TECHNOLOGY MADE SIMPLE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, RAT?
I'M STRUGGLING TO FIGURE OUT WHY IT IS THAT SOME PEOPLE SUCCEED AT EVERYTHING THEY DO...IT RAISES SO MANY QUESTIONS.
LIKE WHAT? MAYBE I CAN HELP.
LIKE...LIKE...WELL...WHAT DO THEY HAVE THAT THE REST OF US DON'T?
SUCCESS.
I CAN BE A TERRIFIC RESOURCE.

MY ETHICAL CONDUCT HAS BEGUN TO SINK BELOW EVEN MY STANDARDS. I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO CHANGE.
I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR YOU SAY THAT, RAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
LOWER MY ETHICAL STANDARDS.
SOME PEOPLE MIGHT CHANGE THEIR CONDUCT.
WHY TAKE THE HARD ROAD?

YOU COMING, RAT?... THE CONCERT STARTS IN A HALF HOUR!
YEP.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING ALL THAT FOR?
IT'S FOR THE MOSH PIT, DUDE. YOU ALWAYS WANT TO LOOK AS INTIMIDATING AS YOU CAN SO YOU CAN FAIL AT WILL AT ALL THE IDIOTS AROUND YOU.
IT'S A BARBRA STREISAND CONCERT.
OH, I WILL SO DOMINATE.

I THINK THE REASON I DON'T GET DATES IS THAT I TRY TOO HARD WHEN I MEET GIRLS.
OHH, GOAT. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
EXCUSE ME, BUT DO EITHER OF YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
YES, IT'S 1:30. ACTUALLY, IT JUST TURNED 1:31... PACIFIC STANDARD TIME... IN CASE YOU NEED THE TIME ZONE... WHICH YOU PROBABLY DON'T... BUT, AT LEAST NOW YOU HAVE, AH... THE... INFORMATION.
OH, SMOOOTH.
SHUT UP. JUST SHUT UP.
WHY IS THAT NICE GIRL RUNNING?

HEY, GOAT, WANT TO HEAR THIS REPORT I WROTE FOR THE PALEONTOLOGY CLASS I'M TAKING AT THE JUNIOR COLLEGE? IT'S ON DINOSAURS.
SURE, PIG. I'D LOVE TO.
DINOSAURS AND HUMANS LIVED TOGETHER MANY, MANY YEARS AGO...
PIG. PIG. PIG... DINOSAURS AND HUMANS NEVER LIVED TOGETHER. THEIR EXISTENCE WAS SEPARATED BY MILLIONS OF YEARS.
WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS CHAPTER ON THE FLINTSTONES?

WHAT VIDEO GAME ARE YOU PLAYING, PIG?
TIMMY THE GARDEN BOY. TIMMY'S A SWEET LITTLE BOY WHO YOU HELP PLANT BEAUTIFUL GARDENS. RIGHT NOW, HE'S TALKING TO PETEY POSTMAN. YOU CAN BE PETEY IF YOU WANT.
CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK
PLEASE DON'T SHOOT TIMMY THE GARDEN BOY.

HEY, PIG, WANT TO PLAY "BOBBING FOR SEEDS"?
WHAT'S THAT?
YOU HOLD A WATERMELON AND SUCK AS MANY SEEDS AS YOU CAN OUT OF IT IN ONE MINUTE.
OH, YEAH! SURE! OKAY!
CHOMP CHOMP SUCK CHOMP SUCK PTUI PTUI SUCK PTUI SUCK
NOT BAD. NOT BAD. ALRIGHT, NOW WE TRY A NEW GAME CALLED "FARCE." IT'S LIKE BOBBING FOR SEEDS, BUT HERE, INSTEAD OF A DRY WATERMELON, WE MAKE IT HARDER BY OILING IT UP.
IT IS TOO HARD TO HOLD.
YEAH. THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT "FARCE." IT'S JUST A HUGE COMEDY OF ERRORS.
WHAT IF I CAN'T DO IT WITH THE OILY ONE?
WE GO BACK TO THE OTHER GAME.
SO IF AT "FARCE" I DON'T SUCK SEED, TRY DRY AGAIN?
HAVE SOME PRIDE.

LOOK AT THAT OLD WOMAN
IN HER CAR. SHE DRIVES SO
SLOW. IF ANYTHING, YOU'D
THINK OLD PEOPLE WOULD
DRIVE FAST.
WHY
FAST?
THEY HAVE
LESS TIME
LEFT.
I WISH
YOU HAD
LESS TIME
LEFT.
THE CLOCK
IS TICKING,
LADY!!

TONIGHT ON 'NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC,'
WE EXPLORE THE WORLD OF AFRICAN
PREDATORS AND THEIR PREY.
SO COME....
...JOIN US.
THEY DON'T MEAN IT LITERALLY,
DAD.
Whoa.. Ees
dark een
Afreeeca.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your manuscript, which I recently reviewed.
Had I been familiar with the literary merit of your work, I probably would not have reviewed it while my dog was on my lap.
I say this because at one point during my review, my dog took one look at your prose and died.
I LIKE TO MAKE THEM FEEL AS BAD AS POSSIBLE.

Dear Contributor,
Thank you for your very interesting and nicely bound manuscript, which I have recently reviewed. I believe your work will make a valuable contribution to the publishing world.
By 'valuable,' I mean that I think we can re-use the brads.
I LIKE TO BE ENCOURAGING.

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE GOT A JOB AS A BOOK EDITOR. HE PICKS WHICH SUBMISSIONS GET PUBLISHED AND WHICH DON'T. AND THEY'RE LETTING HIM WORK FROM HOME.
THAT'S GREAT, BUT ISN'T THAT A LOT OF READING FOR HIM? OR DOES HE SHORTCUT IT BY JUST READING THE FIRST TEN CHAPTERS OF EACH SUBMISSION?
YEAH, I THINK HE SHORTCUTS IT.
Dear Sir,
Your opening word, "the,"
was less than compelling.
Better luck next time.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
STARING AT THIS ANT AND WONDERING.
WONDERING WHAT?
IF HE HAS ALL THE DAILY STRUGGLES AND WORRIES THAT WE DO. AND IF SO, WHAT I COULD DO TO HELP HIM GET RID OF THEM.
SOOOOSH
THERE'S THAT.

TWO FRIED EGGS.
THANK YOU.
POKE POKE
I'D LIKE TO BE SEATED SOMEWHERE ELSE.
THE FAT PIG STARTED IT.
HEY, I DON'T POKE YOU IN THE FRIED EGG EYES.

BYE, MOM.
HAVE A GOOD DAY AT SCHOOL, SWEETIE...STUDY HARD.
SPROIIINNGG
YOU KNOW, DAD, SOME FATHERS LIKE THEIR KID TO ATTEND SCHOOL.
Not me.
Stay home. Play Wii.
HEY, SUPER MARIO, LOOK OVER HERE.

CAN I HELP YOU,
SIR?
YES. I'D
LIKE A
FREE WIFEY.
I'M
SORRY?
I AM TOO, SIR. I'M
LONELY AND I NEED
A WOMAN. AND IF I
CAN GET A WIFE FOR
FREE, ALL THE BETTER.
I THINK YOU'RE MISREADING
THE SIGN, SIR.
OH, GREAT... DOES
SHE COST MONEY?

LOOK AT THIS...MY STUPID CONTRACTOR INSTALLED THE WRONG FRONT DOOR. THIS ONE'S GOT ONE OF THOSE MAIL SLOTS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? I LIKE BEING ABLE TO GET MY MAIL DROPPED RIGHT INTO MY HOUSE.
I DON'T.
Hey. Tell heem you Fed Ex guy.
Hi. Me Fed Ex guy.

WHEN YOU THROW OFF THE GRAVITATIONAL BALANCE OF THE STRIP, YOU’RE TOO FAT.
HEY, I STOPPED FROWN-ING!

HEY, RAT. I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I INVITED MY FRIEND JEFF OVER. HE'S A CYCLIST.
A CYCLIST? DUDE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT CYCLISTS, BUT EVERY ONE I'VE EVER MET HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS.
I AM FIT!
I AM GREAT!
SHARE THE ROAD!
WELL, HE'S HUMBLER THAN I EXPECTED.
YOU ARE FAT.
YOU ARE LAZY.
SHARE THE ROAD.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME FOR BREAKFAST, PIG... GOT ANY SALT AND PEPPER FOR THE EGGS?
YEAH, HERE'S SOME SALT, BUT I'M OUT OF PEPPER. HERE, TRY THIS INSTEAD...
PFSSSH
PEPPER SPRAY IS NOT PEPPER, PIG.
AAUGH MY EYES!!
AND IT SEEMED LIKE SUCH A CONVENIENT LITTLE SPRAY.

Danny Donkey died and went to heaven.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter reviewed Danny's entire life.
You sat on the couch and drank beer.
Danny Donkey defended himself.
Sometimes I recycled the can.
Unimpressed, St. Peter condemned Danny to a life of eternal torment.
Wait, argued Danny, You're not letting me in, but you're letting THAT guy in??
Which guy? replied St. Peter.
That guy behind you, said Danny Donkey.
St. Peter turned to look.
And Danny hopped the fence.
THIS is the book YOU want to title 'DANNY DONKEY'S GUIDE TO ETERNAL SALVATION'?
Yeah, that, or 'DISTRACTING ST. PETER FOR DUMMIES.'
I WILL BUY TEN!!