Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHERE'S RAT TODAY?
HE'S ARGUING WITH OUR NEIGHBOR FRED...FRED'S OAK TREE IS DROPPING ACORNS ON OUR LAWN AGAIN.
HE'S ARGUING OVER ACORNS?
YEAH. OUR NEIGHBORS REALLY MAKE RAT MAD, BUT HE SAYS HE HAS A CONSTRUCTIVE WAY TO RESOLVE THE DISPUTE.
I AM NOT FIGHTING A DUEL.
TAKE THE PISTOL, FRED.

DANNY DONKEY HATED WORK BIRTHDAY PARTIES.
I HATE THAT GUY.
He hated the guy who collected money for a present.
WE'RE ALL KICKING IN TWENTY BUCKS FOR CARLOS'S GIFT.
He Hated the cutesy e-mails filled with emotions telling everyone to meet in the conference room for fun and cheesecake. :)
I HATE CHEESECAKE.
FUN'S NEVER FUN.
I HATE EMOTIONS.
But most of all, he hated the awkward horror of standing around with people whom he would not choose to spend even four seconds of his free time.
YOU SEE THE GAME ON SUNDAY?
PLEASE DON'T PUNCH YOUR BOSS.
I HATE THIS GUY.
PLEASE, PLEASE...DON'T PUNCH YOUR BOSS.
So Danny snapped, taking out all his rage on the party's poor piñata.
Take that.
And that.
And that.
And that.
Only there was no piñata.
THIS ISN'T A KIDS' BOOK CALLED "CHOOSING THE RIGHT GIFT"!
Carlos, sorry he didn't...oh, maybe he has some...his mistake. Carlos's mistake. Carlos is sorry.
YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THIS IN A KIDS' BOOK CALLED "CHOOSING THE RIGHT GIFT"!!
BUT IT MENTIONS PIÑATAS. KIDS LOVE PIÑATAS.

Me kicking you out of neenjas, Larry. You lame. You no smart.
Me no smart? HA! Like, look een mirror, Frank.
Okay, like, now you reelly out.
Fine. Me no care. Larry no need you stoopid uneform. Larry got udder frends. Tougher den stoopid neenjas. Cooler den stoopid neenjas.

HEY, MOM... DAD WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'VE SEEN HIS "SUPER STEALTHY NINJA" COSTUME. HE AND THE OTHER CROCS ARE SNEAKING UP ON SOME ZEBRAS' HOUSE TONIGHT.
I WASHED IT WITH THE LOAD OF WHITES I DID TODAY.
THE WHITES? DON'T YOU SOMETIMES PUT BLEACH ON THOSE?
YEAH. SO?
Go home, Larry.

Okay, neenjas, leesten... First key to neenja assasseen ees neenja stealth. Dat mean neenja jas no make sound and no carry nutteeng dat might make sound...
No cell phones ?
NO.
No car keys ?
NO.
No change ?
NO.
No, Larry.

TONIGHT ON THE NEWS AT TEN... WAR
Famine
Death
Hate
Lies
Bad
Bad
Bad
Worse
Bad
Worser

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?
Shut mouf. We is ninja. We is have poison dart here eensie dart gun. We blow at zeeba.. Keel you.
Bob... No use poison dart gun dreenk milkshake.
SLUUURP
What waste of milkshake.

PIG MADE FRIENDS WITH A HIPPO.
A HIPPO? WHY A HIPPO?
HE SAID BECAUSE HIPPOS HAVE BIG SOFT JIGGLY ARMS, LIKE HIS GRANDMA USED TO HAVE.
WHAT'S THE IMPORTANCE OF BIG SOFT JIGGLY ARMS?

Hey, Bob. Dis Larry. Me tryeen get leest of all zeebas on blok.
Me alredy has.
You alredy has? Read names to Larry.
But no yife has fax macheen?
Me tink so. Why?
Cause me jus hang up phone, geev you names on fax.
Okays.
IS YOU READ NAMES OR NOT??!!
DAD MIGHT BE TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED.
ME IS REACH IN, PUNCH YOU FACE, BOB!!!

WOO HOO!
WHAT?
WOO HOO!
I JUST SCOURED THE 'GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS' AND NOTICED THERE IS NO RECORD HOLDER IN THE CATEGORY OF 'MOST CONSECUTIVE TIMES SLAPPING YOUR ROTUND FRIEND IN THE FACE'!
I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS.

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR FATHER?
HE'S OUTSIDE. I HAVE TO DO A PROJECT FOR BIOLOGY WHERE I FIND AND CATALOG TWENTY DIFFERENT BIRDS. DAD'S BIRDWATCHING FOR ME.
JUNIOR! JUNIOR! Me find one!
TERRIFIC, DAD! DESCRIBE ITS PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS AND I’LL TRY TO FIND IT IN THE BIRD GUIDE.
Uhh. Two wings. Lotta feathers.
YOU NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIFIC, DAD.
Oh, yeah. It have head.

WHOA. LOOK AT THAT CUTE CHICK.
YOU KNOW, PIG, THAT'S A REALLY SEXIST TERM... I KNOW RAT USES IT, BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO.
WHAT SHOULD I SAY ?
I DON'T KNOW... IF YOU REALLY FEEL COMPELLED TO COMMENT, JUST SAY, 'THAT WOMAN'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.'
THAT WOMAN'S VERY ATTRACTIVE.
NEVER MIND.

SE SHTINKY! THIS SHLMUZEL SHMEGGEG NEEDS TO FILL MY SHLISEL!
CAN YOU PLEASE COOL IT WITH THE YIDDISH, RAT?
WHAT'S IT TO YOU, SHALTEN SHAMMES?
BECAUSE ALL YOU'RE USING IT FOR IS SPREADING INSULTS! DO WE REALLY NEED YOU TEACHING OUR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD A WHOLE NEW LEXICON OF RUDENESS?
OY VEY, YOU SHLUB. AND WHO EXACTLY AM I GONNA INFLUENCE?
HULLOOOO SHIKSA STRUDEL.

OY VEY! SORRY TO KVETCH BUT THIS MESHUGANAH’S CHUTZPAH HAS ME PRETTY FARKLEMPT.
WHY ARE YOU SPEAKING YIDDISH, RAT?
BECAUSE IT’S THE LANGUAGE FOR RIPPING ON THE IDIOTS OF THE WORLD.
YEAH, WELL, I DON’T THINK I’D EVER LEARN A LANGUAGE JUST SO I COULD RIP ON PEOPLE.
TOUGH TALK FOR A SHABBES KLOPPER SCHMENDRICK NUDNIK.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
STUDYING YIDDISH...I HAVE DETERMINED IT IS BY FAR THE BEST LANGUAGE IN THE WORLD FOR HURLING INSULTS.
DO YOU REALLY THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO LEARN A LANGUAGE JUST SO YOU CAN HURL INSULTS?
PLEASE STOP BEING SUCH A SHMULKY SHLUMPERDIK.

"Rejoice," he said, raising his arms in celebration, "for the goal of childhood sport is not victory, but rather, the inculcation of values such as teamwork, fair play and the struggle to do one's best."
"I will go to a children's soccer game," said Bob. "Childhood sports make people happy."
Angry Bob was at a soccer game. He stood on the sidelines. He stood with the parents of a team called "The Strikers."
The Strikers were losing. The parents were angry. They yelled. One swore.
Angry Bob stood in a booth and typed.
A Gatorade bottle struck him in the head.
Falling, Bob saw a horde of angry soccer moms descend upon his fragile bean.
"You Strikers," he said with his last breath, "are aptly named."
HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A LOSING SOCCER MOM.

IF EVERY LIFE IS SACRED, WHY DO WE KILL EACH OTHER IN WARS?
BECAUSE SOME LIFE IS SACREDER THAN OTHERS.
WHO'S LIFE IS SACREDER?
PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH YOU.
I DON'T GET IT.
I SUGGEST YOU AGREE.
OKAY DOKE.

HEY, GOAT, HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A SUPER STRONG GUY NAMED SAMSON WHOSE STRENGTH WAS ALL IN HIS HAIR?
YEAH... HIS WIFE DELILAH CUT IT AND HE LOST ALL HIS POWER. WHY?
NO REASON.
MULLETS DO NOT GIVE SUPERPOWERS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I'M AN ENFORCER. I GOT THE IDEA FROM HOCKEY. THE ENFORCER IS THE GUY WHOSE JOB IT IS TO PICK FIGHTS WITH THE OTHER TEAM.
WE'RE A COMIC STRIP, RAT. WE'RE NOT A HOCKEY TEAM. AND I HARDLY THINK A COMIC STRIP HAS A NEED FOR AN ENFORCER.
EXCUSE ME, BUT WOULD YOU MIND PASSING THE SALT?
YEAH, OVALHEAD, I THINK I DO.
CHECK, PLEASE.

WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING, RAT?
HOCKEY.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU LIKED HOCKEY.
I LOVE HOCKEY... EXCEPT FOR THESE BORING LITTLE INTERLUDES WHERE THEY SKATE AROUND TRYING TO HIT THAT BLACK THING.
THE PUCK.
FIGHT, YOU TIME-WASTING FIGURE SKATERS!!!

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, DAD?
Me turn forty. Me spose keel billion zeebas by now. Me waste whole life.
DAD, YOU HAVEN'T WASTED EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T CAUGHT ALL THE ZEBRAS YOU THOUGHT YOU'D CATCH. I CAN THINK OF A MILLION OF THOSE MOMENTS YOU DIDN'T WASTE.
Oh yeah? Like wheech ones?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO-
AAARRRY
Me can't hear you
Me can't hear you
Me can't hear you
NOT HEARING YOUR NAME SUNG DOESN'T MEAN YOU DON'T AGE A YEAR, DAD.
Twenty-sixx AGAIN.. WOOHOO!

HEY, MOM… WHERE'S DAD?
HE'S HIDING. HE DOES IT EVERY YEAR ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
WHAT FOR?
BECAUSE HE BELIEVES IF YOU CAN SUCCESSFULLY HIDE FROM YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE, YOU DON'T TURN A YEAR OLDER.
DOES HE SUCCEED?
YEAH. SOME YEARS I DON'T FEEL LIKE LOOKING FOR HIM, SO I GIVE UP.
SO HOW OLD IS HE?
FORTY. BUT IN HIS HEAD, HE'S TWENTY-SEVEN.
Twenty-se…ex.
GYAH!

DUDE, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
OH, IT'S PROBABLY ME. THERE'S A DROUGHT, SO I'VE STOPPED SHOWERING.
SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO - JUST GO AROUND SMELLING AWFUL?
OH, NO, NO. SILLY. EVERY FIFTEEN MINUTES, I RUB 'SPEED STICK' ALL OVER MY FACE.
DUDE.
MMMMMMMM FEELS GOOOOOD

Dear Pigita,
I have problems.
I have insecurities.
Please date me anyways.
YOU DUMB PIG... GIRLS ARE ATTRACTED TO CONFIDENCE.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS BAD... I THOUGHT THAT MEANT YOU HAD A BIG HEAD.
THAT'S ARROGANCE... CONFIDENCE IS SOMETHING LESS. SHOW HER YOU HAVE IT.
I have a medium-sized head.