Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR EAR?
BLUETOOTH. I'VE FORMED MY OWN PUBLIC RELATIONS AGENCY, AND I NEED TO BE IN CONSTANT COMMUNICATION. THIS IS MY FIRST CLIENT, MR. G. DUCK.
GUARD DUCK?
WHY'D YOU HIRE RAT?
I HAD A LITTLE INCIDENT, AND NOW EVERYBODY'S IN A TIZZY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I WAS GOOFING AROUND IN AN F-16 FIGHTER JET AND I PASSED A BUTTON THAT SAID LAUNCH. AND, WELL... I BLEW UP DOWNTOWN...
YOU BLEW UP...
UH UH UH UH UH
MY CLIENT COMMENCED THE REVITALIZATION OF THE CITY'S ONCE-THRIVING COMMERCIAL DISTRICT.
SOME PEOPLE GET PERMITS
MISSILES ARE QUICKER.
URBAN RENEWAL: IT CAN'T WAIT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BUCKET OF CASH, PIG?
I WAS GONNA GO GAMBLE AT THAT NEW CASINO DOWNTOWN, BUT IT'S SUCH A LONG DRIVE, I FIGURED I'D SAVE TIME AND GAS BY JUST STAYING HOME AND SETTING FIRE TO MY MONEY IN THE BACKYARD.
AND TO THINK YOU USED TO CALL ME DUMB.

DO YOU THINK FLAMENCO DANCERS ARE INTIMIDATING?
INTIMIDATING?
YEAH... LIKE IF SOMEONE CHALLENGED YOU TO A BAR FIGHT, AND YOU STRUCK A FLAMENCO POSE, WOULD THAT INTIMIDATE THEM?
OF COURSE NOT. IT'S A DANCE.
TOLD YOU.
CARE TO STEP OUTSIDE?
YES. BECAUSE I'M LEAVING.

WHEN IS OUR GOVERNMENT GOING TO REALIZE THAT THE SIZE OF OUR NATIONAL DEBT POSES AN ENORMOUS RISK TO EVERY ASPECT OF OUR FUTURE?
Huh!?
YOU DIDN’T HEAR A WORD I SAID DID YOU?
I LOAD ALL YOUR WORDS ON THE 'EAR EXPRESS,' A TINY TRAIN THAT SHOOTS THEM IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE OTHER FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY, 'THE RAT DON’T GIVE A @#*&.'
PERHAPS YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM.
Huh?

HI, NEIGHBOR BOB. ARE YOU ENJOYING MY GARAGE SALE?
YEAH, PIG. BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I'M FEELING A LOT OF PRESSURE TO BUY.
OH, GOSH, NEIGHBOR BOB, I'M NOT TRYING TO PRESSURE YOU.
IT'S NOT YOU, PIG. IT'S YOUR SALES STAFF.
BUY SOMETHING.
HE WORKS ON COMMISSION.
GET THE LAMP. NOW.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
IT'S MY "I'M HAVING AN OH-SO-HAPPY DAY" DIARY. I USE IT TO KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE DAYS IN MY LIFE THAT I WAS HAPPY.
OH, YEAH? CAN I SEE IT?
SURE.
March 1, 2010 NOPE
March 2, 2010 NOPE
March 3, 2010 NOPE
March 4, 2010 NOPE
March 5, 2010 NOPE
March 6, 2010 NOPE
March 7, 2010 NOPE
March 8, 2010 NOPE
March 9, 2010 NOPE
March 10, 2010 NOPE
I'M THINKING OF RE-NAMING IT.

HEY. WHAT'S THAT THING IN THE CORNER OF THE PANEL?
IT'S OUR LOGO. SO PEOPLE KNOW WHAT COMIC STRIP THEY'RE READING. I GOT THE IDEA FROM CABLE T.V.
BUT I HATE THOSE LITTLE THINGS. THEY ALWAYS CATCH MY EYE WHEN I'M TRYING TO WATCH A SHOW.
RELAX. IT WON'T HURT A THING.
THUD
PROVIDED WE ALL WEAR CUPS.
OHHHHHHHHHHHH ...
MY OOMPA LOOMPAS.

HEY, PIG, WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
THAT'S THE MUDFLAP GIRL... THE ONE YOU SEE ON TRUCKS.
YEAH...ISN'T SHE LOVELY AND GLAMOROUS AND BEAUTIFUL?
DUDE, SHE'S HOT, BUT WHY DO YOU HAVE IT?
REFERENCE.
FOR WHAT?
IT'S A LIFELONG DREAM.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I REMOVE THE EYEBALLS FROM MY HEAD.

HEY, RAT, LOOK... I WROTE A SHORT STORY.
WOW, PIG... THIS STORY IS POSITIVELY PROSAIC.
REALLY?
CARE TO TELL HIM THAT 'PROSAIC' MEANS DULL?
WHY? THE WORD SOUNDS SO POSITIVE.
POSITIVELY PROSAIC, PROCLAIMS ONE READER.

HAVE
YOU SEEN
PIG
LATELY?
NO, I ---
RINNNNG
RINNNNG
HEY, WHADDYA
KNOW... IT'S PIG.
HEY, PIG, WE WERE JUST
TALKING ABOUT YOU. ARE
YOUR EARS BURNING?
OH MY GAWD YES!
I ACCIDENTALLY
SHAMPOOED WITH
GASOLINE!!
THIS STRIP JUST GETS
STRANGER AND STRANGER.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NUMBER OF WOMEN THAT CAME FORWARD IN THAT TIGER WOODS SCANDAL AND CLAIMED TO HAVE GOTTEN TOGETHER WITH HIM?
YEAH, IT WAS PRETTY UNBELIEVABLE. BUT AT LEAST I THINK WE'VE FINALLY SEEN THE LAST OF THEM.
YOU DID WHAT?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M LIGHTNIN' PIGKINS. I WRITE BLUES SONGS THAT PLUMB THE TRAGIC DEPTHS OF MY WEARY SOUL. WANT TO HEAR MY LATEST?
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
'HAVE YOURSELF A SPLENDLURIFIC DAY.'
SO MUCH FOR A SPLENDLURIFIC DAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'M LIGHTNIN' PIGKINS. I PLUMB THE DARK SADNESS OF MY SOUL TO PLAY THE BLUES... HAVE A LISTEN...
OOOOh... WOKE UP THIS MORNING... HAD MYSELF A BOX OF GOOD CORN FLAKES...
...AHH...AS PART OF A BALANCED NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST... WHICH YOUR TUMMY NEEEEEEDS...
FOR GOODNESS SAKES...
NOT A LOT OF 'DARK SADNESS' IN A BALANCED NUTRITIOUS BREAKFAST.
OOOH... JUST WAIT 'TIL THE CORN FLAKES GET SOGGY.

HEY, THERE, ZEBRA. WHY YOU
COVERED IN "SILLY STRING"?
I DON'T THINK THAT'S WHAT SPIDER-MAN USES.
THANKS, PIG. I KNOW.
HEY... WHY YOU NO EMBOLIZED?

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?
USING THE PANEL LINES TO SHOOT SNUFFLES ACROSS THE COMICS PAGE. I STRAPPED AN ARROW TO HIS HEAD.
YOU WHAT?
YOU WHAT?
IT’S JUST A WARNING SHOT. YOU KNOW, A ‘DON’T MESS WITH PEARLS’ SORT OF VIBE.
YEAH, WELL YOU’RE UNTIEING HIM NOW BEFORE SOMEONE —
WELL NOW GOSH DERN DADBUERN IT !!
I AM SO, SO SORRY. OOPSIES.

HI. I'M LOOKING FOR A TELEVISION.
AND I'M LOOKING FOR SOME SOLITUDE.
WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH MY SEARCH FOR A TELEVISION?
IT'S INTERFERING WITH MY SEARCH FOR SOLITUDE.
I SEE WE'RE AT LOGGERHEADS.

HEY, CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE THE SHOES ARE?
YES, SIR. I CAN SEE WHY YOU'D BE CONFUSED, SIR, AS WE'VE CRYPTICALLY HIDDEN THEM IN AN AISLE MARKED 'SHOES.'
WHERE IS THE AISLE?
IN THE STORE, SIR, WHERE WE LIKE TO KEEP MOST OF OUR AISLES.
WHERE IS YOUR MANAGER?
ANOTHER QUESTION? PLEASE, SIR, GIVE IT A REST.

HULLOOOOO....
Walmtopia's Friendly Greeter says, "Hi." But he is trying to watch a movie on his iPhone. So please remove your chubby, stretch-pants-covered rear from his face.
GIVE ME YOUR--
No, I will not give you my manager.

HELLO?
PIG, IT'S ME, RAT. LISTEN, I JUST WANT TO SAY I'LL BE HOME LATE... I GOT THE "FRIENDLY GREETER" JOB AT WALMOTOPIA.
YOU? WHY'D YOU GET THE JOB?
BECAUSE I'M GOOD WITH PEOPLE. AND I KNOW HOW TO TREAT THEM. AND HOW TO WELCOME THEM.
PARDON ME, BUT I'M LOOKING FOR—
YO, BIG BONES CAN YOU SEE I'M ON THE PHONE?
MAYBE I SHOULD LET YOU GO BACK TO YOUR FRIENDLY GREETER JOB.
HANG ON, PIG... I'M SHOVING A FAT GUY OUT THE DOOR.

DID GOAT TELL YOU I INTERVIEWED FOR THE "FRIENDLY GREETER" JOB AT HAWMUTOPIA?
THAT'S GREAT. YOU THINK YOU'LL GET IT?
I DUNNO. THEY ASKED WHAT MY BIGGEST REGRET WAS IN TERMS OF HOW I RELATE TO PEOPLE AND I TOLD THEM THAT SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE MAKE ME MAD.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT? IT'S HONEST. WHAT DO YOU THINK OTHER CANDIDATES SAID THEY REGRETTED?
THAT MY SHORT ARMS DO NOT ALLOW ME TO HOLD ALL HUMANITY IN ONE BIG EMBRACE.

HEY, PIG, WHERE WERE YOU?
INTERVIEWING FOR THE FRIENDLY GREETER JOB AT WAMLOTOPIA. YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO SMILES AND SAYS HI TO PEOPLE WHEN THEY WALK IN THE STORE?
OH, PIG, YOU'D BE PERFECT! WHO IN THE WORLD COULD CLAIM TO BE BETTER SUITED FOR THAT THAN YOU?
I ADORE HUMANITY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DOOR?
Crocs geet job as goovernint census taker.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
Oh? Well juss lesten to questions. Uh, first, how many guys has you seen you house?
JUST ME.
Okay... And which ees you job?
I'M UNEMPLOYED.
Sound gud. And does you has keeds?
No.
And, uhhh, how far can you reach eem eento larry's mouth?
Ahhhhhhhhh...
SLAM
Someone no like dere goovernint.

IF YOU COULD UTTER A FEW LAST WORDS BEFORE YOU DIE, WHAT WOULD THEY BE?
LONG ONES.
TO IMPRESS PEOPLE?
TO STALL FOR TIME.
LET'S JUST KILL YOU NOW.
I WOOOOOOOULDN'T LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE THAAAAAAAAT.

BEFORE I READ THE WILL, WOULD ANY OF THE FAMILY LIKE TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HER?
YEAH. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S GONE.
ME TOO. WE SPENT EVERY SUMMER TOGETHER ON WHIDBEY ISLAND. SHE WAS MY FAVORITE AUNT.
YEAH. EVERY TIME I IMAGINE HER FACE, I CRY.
LOAD UP THE LOOT BOWL!!
OH... AND, UH, WEEPY WEEPY I MISS HER SO.

RAT'S AUNT DIED. SHE LEFT ALL HER MONEY TO RAT.
WHAT DO HIS OTHER COUSINS THINK OF THAT?
THEY DON'T KNOW YET, BUT I'M SURE THEY'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?