Pearls Before Swine | Search

WHAT ARE YOU READING?
A BIOGRAPHY OF ANDY GROVE. HE WAS ONE OF THE FOUNDERS OF INTEL. YOU KNOW, THE COMPUTER CHIPMAKER?
DUDE, PLEASE. I KNOW WHO ANDY GROVE IS. HE'S THE MAN WHO SAID "ONLY THE PARANOID SURVIVE."
WOW. HOW'D YOU KNOW THAT?
IT'S THE GOLDEN RULE.
THAT IS NOT THE GOLDEN RULE.
DO NOT BLASPHEME, HEATHEN GOAT!!!

Hey, son, want play Wii?
I CAN'T. I HAVE TO GO TO A CLASSMATES HOUSE TO DISSECT A FROG FOR MY SCIENCE CLASS. IT'LL PROBABLY TAKE ALL AFTERNOON.
Whuh ‘dissect’ mean?
YOU CUT it UP. AND IT'S A PRETTY INVOLVED PROCESS, SO THERE'S NOT MUCH I CAN DO TO SPEED THINGS UP.
SCIENTISTS WORK A LITTLE SLOWER THAN THAT, DAD.
Dey must no have Wii.

BYE, RAT. I'M OFF ON MY BIG DATE WITH PIGITA.
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A MARCHING BAND HAT?
I THOUGHT IT LOOKED GOOD.
YOU DUMB PIG. MARCHING BAND HATS ARE ONLY FOR MARCHING BAND GUYS WHEN THEY'RE PLAYING THEIR INSTRUMENTS.
OH. WHAT SHOULD I DO?
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO?
BRRMFF

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, GOAT?
I THOUGHT I'D
TRY MY HAND
AT WRITING.
MAYBE GET A
NOVEL
PUBLISHED.
OH, BOY, GOAT...I WISH
YOU ALL THE SUCCESS
IN THE WORLD!
IGNORE THE
SULTAN O'
SCHADENFREUDE.

BEHOLD! I AM THE SULTAN O' SCHADENFREUDE! AND THIS IS MY STUPENDOUS SALT SHAKER O' SCHADENFREUDE!
WHAT IS SCHADENFREUDE?
WISHING ILL ON OTHERS' ENDEAVORS.
OH, THAT'S NOT GOOD. I WANT A WORLD WHERE WE'RE ALL TOGETHER AND WE HELP EACH OTHER AND HOLD HANDS AND DANCE AND SING IN ONE GRAND GLORIOUS GATHERING!
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE
SHAKE

Hey, son...Want play Wii?
CAN'T. I HAVE TO WRITE A REPORT ON THE BOOK 'OF MICE AND MEN'. WE HAVE TO COMPARE AND CONTRAST THE CHARACTERS.
Oh, peese. Dat like so easy.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE?
Mice is small. Men wear pants.
THANKS, DAD.
Okay...Now you play Wii?

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, PIG?
I'M SEARCHING FOR MY YIAYIA.
WHAT'S A YIAYIA?
IT'S WHAT WE CALLED MY GRANDMOTHER. SHE DIED WHEN I WAS FIVE. I KEEP HOPING I CAN FIND HER IN THE STARS.
PIG, DECEASED PEOPLE DO NOT BECOME CONSTELLATIONS.
THEY DO IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY.
NO... THEY DON'T. THE GREEKS WOULD LOOK AT A FEW RANDOM STARS AND SELECTIVELY CONNECT THEM TO FORM AN IMAGE THEY WANTED TO SEE.
BUT I WANT SO BADLY TO THINK SHE'S WATCHING OVER ME.
WELL, THEN THINK IT, BUT YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET PROOF UP THERE. NOW, C'MON, I'M HUNGRY. LET'S GET A BURGER.
Okay.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, RAT?
A POODLE IN A HANDBAG. ALL THE RICH PEOPLE ARE DOING IT. THEY'RE THE ACCESSORY FOR THE UPPER CLASS. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, LI'L FLUFFLES?
KILL THE BOURGEOISIE!
PLEASE STOP SHOUTING MARXIST SLOGANS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PIG?
I'VE BECOME A CERTIFIED HUG SPECIALIST. WITH THIS GEAR, WE DETERMINE THE AMOUNT OF HUGS IN YOUR HUG TANK. IF IT'S LOW, WE FILL YOU UP, AS A LOW COUNT CAN PRODUCE UNHAPPINESS.
TOUCH ME AND I PUSH YOU DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
ABORT.

HEY, PIG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
READING MY JOURNAL. I MAKE AN ENTRY IN IT EVERY DAY. HERE, READ A PAGE.
Today I went to a party at my neighbors' house. They were kind. They were funny. They were interesting.
SO I BURNED THEIR HOUSE TO THE GROUND!
PLEASE DON'T WRITE IN MY JOURNAL.

THAT WOULD BE VERY CONFUSING.
WOW. CAN YOU IMAGINE IF COMIC STRIPS DID THAT?
NO, YOU IDIOT. THEY PUT THE BEGINNING OF A BOOK AT WHAT WE'D CALL THE END AND READ IT IN THE REVERSE ORDER WE WOULD.
OH MY GOODNESS. SO THEY READ THE END OF A BOOK FIRST?
DID YOU KNOW THAT CHINESE IS TRADITIONALLY READ FROM RIGHT TO LEFT, INSTEAD OF LEFT TO RIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU READING, GOAT?
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ALEXANDER PUSHKIN.
OH, I LOVE THAT GUY.
YOU DO? HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM?
HE KEEPS ALL MY PAPERS STUCK TO THE BULLETIN BOARD.
THAT'S PUSH PIN.
OH. MAYBE THEY'RE BROTHERS.

DO YOU THINK WE CAN
LOOK TO THE STARS FOR
DIRECTION AS TO WHAT
WE SHOULD DO WITH
OUR LIVES?
NO.
WHY?
GHELP
ME
NO REASON.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
I GOT A LETTER FROM MY FAMILY. A CHEETAH ATE MY FAVORITE COUSIN. OHHH, GOD...WHAT A HUGE LOSS.
OH, GEE... YOU KNOW, IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
YOU DO?
YEAH. YESTERDAY I WAS GETTING COFFEE AT "STARBUCKS" AND THEY ASKED IF I NEEDED ROOM FOR CREAM, AND EVEN THOUGH I SAID YES, THEY POURED THE COFFEE TO THE TOP AND I HAD TO DUMP THE EXCESS COFFEE DOWN THAT LITTLE TRASH HOLE.
THAT'S NOT QUITE THE SAME.
WELL, YEAH. YOU'RE A LOT MORE WEEPY THAN I WAS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
JUST THINKING ABOUT MY FAMILY BACK HOME. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, BUT THEY'RE SUCH A PAIN IN THE REAR.
IT'S BEST TO LOVE YOUR FAMILY AS YOU WOULD A SIBERIAN TIGER -- FROM A DISTANCE, PREFERABLY SEPARATED BY BARS.
IT SCARES ME WHEN YOU MAKE SENSE.

THEY SAY IF YOU LOOK AT ALL OF A MAN'S FRIENDS COLLECTIVELY, YOU HAVE A GOOD COMPOSITE PICTURE OF THE MAN.
AAAAHHHHHHHH
NO OFFENSE.
SOME TAKEN.

TONIGHT, ON ANIMAL PLANET! THE MIGHTY SALTWATER CROCODILE! WITH ITS EIGHT-FOOT TAIL, THIS BEAST IS THE GODZILLA OF THE SWAMPLAND! MASTER OVER A HUGE HAREM OF WAITING FEMALES! SO STAY TUNED! AND DON'T TOUCH THAT DIAL!

Woomun... Me want you meet new croc fren', Emeelio.
*SNICKER SNICKER*
Me want go home now, Larry.
Tail size no everything, Emeelio.

Hullooo zeeba neighba... Leesten. Dis Jaws. He croc wid beegest snout. So he croc most guys wanta be and most girls like best.
I THOUGHT THAT WAS DETERMINED BY TAIL SIZE.
No.
THAT'S JUST WHAT I HEARD.
Peese stop talking.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, RAT?
I HAVE FIGURED OUT A WAY TO IDENTIFY WHO AMONG US ARE THE WHACK-JOBS.
I CALL IT "THE BUMPER STICKER BAROMETER."
YOU SEE, IF A GUY HAS NO BUMPER STICKERS ON HIS CAR, HE'S PROB-ABLY O.K. ONE OR TWO-THAT'S A RED FLAG. BUT THREE OR MORE?
WHACK JOB ALERT! WHACK JOB ALERT! WHACK JOB ALERT!
DON'T YOU HAVE A DOZEN OF THOSE?
He knows.
HEY, MIND STRAPPING THIS TO YOUR HEAD?

RAT, THE NEWSPAPER OWNER
OKAY, STAFF, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL YOU - TATTERED REMNANTS - I'M HEARING A LOT OF GRUMBLING ABOUT THE CUTS I'VE MADE TO THE PAPER.
REST ASSURED, YOUR GRUMBLING IS DUE TO YOUR GRAND IGNORANCE OF MY GRAND STRATEGY. SO, ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN USING THIS BEAUTIFUL SCULPTURE WHICH I WILL CALL "MR. NEWSPAPER MAN."
YOU SEE, POOR MR. NEWSPAPER MAN IS SICK. HE'S TOO FAT. HE NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT.
SO TO MAKE HIM HEALTHY, I CUT OFF AN ARM.
BUT IT DID NOT WORK. SO I CUT OFF A LEG. AND ANOTHER ARM. BUT IT STILL DID NOT WORK. SO RELUCTANTLY, I HAVE DECIDED TO REMOVE MOST OF HIS UPPER TORSO, WHICH I AM CONVINCED WILL WORK, GIVING US A SLEEKER, HEALTHIER MR. NEWSPAPER MAN THAT IS MORE ATTRACTIVE TO READERS AND -
GOOD NEWS. WE'RE SLEEKER THAN EVER.

I'M THINKING ABOUT BUYING A USED CAR.
BUY ONE OF THOSE GIANT TANK-LIKE S.U.V.'S. THEY HELP PROMOTE A SAFE AND HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.
HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT?
IF YOU GET IN AN ACCIDENT, YOU'RE MUCH MORE LIKELY TO KILL THE OTHER GUY THAN HE IS TO KILL YOU.
PLEASE GO AWAY.
I'D CALL THAT A PRETTY SAFE AND HEALTHY ENVIRONMENT.

OKAY, MR. LITERATURE GUY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW I JUST READ THE WILLIAM FAULKNER CLASSIC, "THE SOUND AND THE FURY" AND I HAVE A LITERARY ANALYSIS.
OH YEAH? TELL ME. I'D LIKE TO HEAR IT.
THE BOOK MAKES NO $*%! SENSE!!!!
THAT NOISE YOU HEAR IS THE SOUND OF NINE MILLION HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH STUDENTS CLAPPING.

PIIIING!!
PERHAPS YOU'D CARE TO EXPLAIN.
BAD DOG! BAD DOG!

HEY, PIG. HOW GOES IT?
NOT GOOD. I'M KEEPING A GREAT WHITE SHARK IN MY BATHTUB.
A GREAT WHITE?! THAT'S THE WORLD'S DEADLIEST BREED OF SHARK. WHAT WILL RAT SAY??
I TOLD THE SHARK NOT TO ADMIT HE'S A GREAT WHITE... TO JUST PRETEND HE'S SOMETHING ELSE.
Arf Arf